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— Hanahaki (花吐き病)
a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romantic love only; strong friendship is not enough), or when the victim dies.
Love is a foolish emotion. It has no logic nor sense. There is also no way to know when it starts, but when it ends it marks you for life. Because it's a type of pain that just leaves a trace in your brain, and on some occasions, it also changes your whole life. Or ends with it.
When Kim Dokja first learned about love, it was during his childhood.
It took the shape of warm hugs, warm food and soft pats on his head. All these acts came from his mother. A person who deeply desired to protect him, and prove to him that sometimes love was more powerful than hate.
It had been life the one to show him that love never lasts forever.
No matter how much you beg, scream or cry. Love disappears just as fast as it appeared. For him it ended in the worst way, with a bloody floor and the screams of police banging against his front door.
Love is cruel. So he tried living without love.
Books were a big help. There was no harm in reading about love. He could feel it, and still be safe because it wasn't really him the one receiving the love he had started to fear.
However, when you deprive yourself of love, no one tells you how weak you can become towards genuine affection. How warm it feels to have a gentle touch or how soft your insides can get with a simple loving act such as sharing a book, or lending each other notes.
At the age of seventeen, Kim Dokja learned that love comes in different shapes. For him, it came in the shape of Yoo Jonghyuk.
It started in silence.
Amid that silence, there was a penetrating gaze that could make the most brave eighteen year old feel fear. However, when Yoo Jonghyuk looked at Kim Dokja, his eyes were not cold nor cruel, but… lonely. A type of loneliness Kim Dokja could sympathize with.
And between those subtle stares, a conversation bloomed.
It was meaningless, senseless and probably mundane. If Kim Dokja had known that was exactly how a bond formed, he would have probably avoided it. Or not.
The truth was that, when love was involved, Kim Dokja was a fool.
A foolish person who failed to notice how common courtesy turned into comfort and comfort turned into care. The same care he once learned to fear, but now it made him addicted. Because he now longed for smiles, yearned for subtle touches and deeply desired that time did stop this time.
After a long time of avoiding, Kim Dokja for once chose to embrace. And God, he was such a romantic by nature.
Of course it didn't help that Jonghyuk was beautiful. Not just physically, no.
Yoo Jonghyuk was not a verbal person. In fact, whenever he let out a word it was usually full of thorns that were purposely made to hurt whoever desired to get closer. However, Jonghyuk was still a loving person.
His presence was like a calm sea, silently bringing comfort to one's soul during a rough night. And just like an ocean, when Kim Dokja looked at him, he sometimes was met with a deep void, and some other times he was met with such transparency that allowed him to see the deepness of his emotions.
And just like that, Kim Dokja immersed himself in that endless ocean.
At first, things were simple.
Just like the moon permanently longing for the sea, he chose to be a spectator. Someone who endlessly supported Jonghyuk in all his life choices, and rooted for his happiness. Because that was something Yoo Jonghyuk deserved. And Kim Dokja wanted nothing more than happiness for his only friend.
However, at the age of twenty one, Kim Dokja learned that greediness came in all kinds of shapes. For him, it came as a disease. And maybe, coincidentally, as a girl named Lee Seolhwa.
It started with a stupid question.
“ What are you reading? ”
Yoo Jonghyuk, as calm as ever, hesitated. His long fingers loosened against his pen, pulling a stop to his work of writing before muttering an, “ I am studying ”.
Dokja frowned with a light chuckle. Taking the seat on the chair next to him, he peeked at his notes. Even when Yoo Jonghyuk had tried to hide the paper with his arm, Dokja had already taken a peek at the title. His frown turned confused, “ Biochemistry? ”.
Jonghyuk didn't reply, but he retracted his arm to allow him to check the paper. There were notes of important chemistry terms, formulas and even a few examples. All perfectly organized.
“ Why do you need Biochemistry notes? You're a computer science major ”, deciding to take one of the multiple displayed books, Dokja flipped some of the pages. As a literature major, he could only conclude this was hella difficult. He couldn't even understand a single chapter.
“ They're not for me ”
Dokja stopped at a certain page. A red flower was displayed on a picture, his fingers unconsciously outlining the red petals in thought.
“ Who is it for? ”, his fingers stopped too.
He read the flower's name, as familiar as it surely was to anyone living in the same era as him. Anyone had seen a case of the hanahaki disease, and it was no surprise it was a matter of deep investigation for all researchers in the medical field.
“ Lee Seolhwa ”, Jonghyuk answered a bit too quickly.
Dokja laughed, earning a glare from Jonghyuk. This was the first time he actually saw him react this way. It was both endearing and confusing. Because he had never heard of Lee Seolhwa before. He had heard about Lee Jihye, the girl who was his little disciple. And he had also heard about Kim Namwoon, a guy with anger issues and also Jonghyuk's admirer.
“ Who's Lee Seolhwa? ”, was his next question. The information of that certain flower had somehow caught his attention, and he was about to get immersed in reading when he heard the next words.
“ A girl from my calculus class ”
This was new.
As a handsome man, Yoo Jonghyuk was known to have tons of admirers. Half of them because of his looks and the other half because of his usually cold demeanor. Jonghyuk was kind of a protagonist of any romance drama, and girls usually took their chance to be the co-protagonist that somehow caught Jonghyuk's attention.
However, that usually ended up with not even a glance from Jonghyuk's part.
“ A girl ”, Kim Dokja echoed with a teasing tone, “ Did she blackmail you to do her homework? That's a first ”.
Jonghyuk did not react directly. But Dokja could tell he was embarrassed by how his brows furrowed slightly and the edge of his mouth gave a slight twitch. Perhaps Dokja knew way too much about Jonghyuk.
Way too much than he should.
“ I was not blackmailed ”, Jonghyuk replied through gritted teeth. As a proof of his own self control, Jonghyuk did not even tear his eyes off the page. He just continued scribbling down a list of different terms, “ I offered to help ”.
Dokja's lips twitched, smile almost faltering. It was lucky Jonghyuk was not really paying attention to him.
“ Why? ”, this question was way more silent than the others.
Jonghyuk has had more female friends. Although, not as close as Lee Jihye who could be considered as his disciple by how many times Jonghyuk had tutored her. However, he never offered his help. The guy believed in giving and taking, which usually meant he didn't give anything because others simply had nothing to offer for him.
Because Yoo Jonghyuk didn't lack anything. If he did, Kim Dokja would know and would try to give it to him. However…
“ Do I need a reason to help someone? ”, Jonghyuk had asked almost defensively.
Sometimes Kim Dokja wished not to know Yoo Jonghyuk as much as he did. Maybe that way he wouldn't have noticed the change of colors on the tips of his ears, or how his frown unconsciously relaxed.
“ You usually do ” Kim Dokja stated. Because it was true. Yoo Jonghyuk was the guy who asked Dokja to pay for the ingredients he used to cook the first meal he cooked for Dokja. Yoo Jonghyuk was also the guy who demanded help on his literature essays after helping Dokja on his math homework.
It was a give and take. It has always been.
“ No, I don't ”
Kim Dokja was quiet after that. His eyes flicker from Yoo Jonghyuk's face to the book. The red flower was staring back at him, as if mocking the expression on his face that was clearly unnoticeable by the latter.
It was probably nothing. He was probably overthinking.
—-
Except he wasn't.
It came to him two days later, when he met Yoo Jonghyuk at their usual table, at their usual restaurant and on a Tuesday, as they used to. Except this time there weren't just the two of them. This time, there was a girl sitting in his place.
The girl had long silver hair and a soft expression. Her beauty was hard to miss. Still, it wasn't the type of beauty one could feel intimidated about. It was the type of beauty one could feel calm just by looking at.
However, the detail he noticed the most was Yoo Jonghyuk's expression. The soft warmth of his eyes, the subtle curve from his lips that showed the closest attempt of a smile.
It all started there. With a sudden oppression inside his chest.
Something clenched his chest, hard and sharp. It felt as if his heart had stopped beating for a whole three seconds, in which he got breathless. The sudden pain made him stumble backwards, bumping against someone that was about to enter the same establishment as him. It was a girl.
“ Are you alright..? ”, the girl asked but was met with silence from Dokja.
Kim Dokja tried to speak, but another jolt of pain in his chest startled him. He coughed violently, with the need of relieving something that was apparently now eating him from the inside. The girl helped him lean against the wall, but when Kim Dokja coughed droplets of blood, she let go of him as if it burned.
“ You… ”
Kim Dokja did not answer, choosing to retract his steps and run away from that place.
He barely managed to get inside his apartment, when the coughing worsened. It was violent, painful and awful.
The pain was just too much, that Dokja didn't even bother to hold the tears from coming. Even if he tried, he was sure he would have failed. Because the pain was not only physical but emotional too.
A memory of the book he had read when Yoo Jonghyuk was taking notes, came into his mind. The Hanahaki disease. The disease of an unrequited love.
An ugly laugh escaped his mouth, while he stumbled through his empty apartment and reached for his bathroom. The laugh only continued, seeming to synchronize with the droplets of blood that slid down his lips. He turned the shower on, and stepped inside without caring for his clothes.
It was pathetic. But he really didn't want to feel the tears falling.
He also did not want to hear his phone buzzing. Because he already knew who was the one calling and he already knew what the guy would ask. And he knew what his answer would be too.
“ I am so pathetic… ”
—
Avoiding Jonghyuk was painful and also impossible.
It didn't matter what Kim Dokja did, he could not stop thinking about the guy. Sometimes it was only daydreams about the past and about what would happen if Dokja was a more lovable person. Someone like Lee Seolhwa, who was not only pretty, but kind too.
Kim Dokja was not kind. He was selfish.
Because he wanted more, and he had always wanted more. Even if he tried to deny love at first, when he really got to taste it, and savour it… it was so addicting. It was so beautiful, so pure. And he was greedy and selfish.
Perhaps this was the universe's way to punish him for wanting someone who doesn't belong to him. To wish for a future that wasn't made for him.
Or maybe his punishment was finding Yoo Jonghyuk everywhere when he was trying real hard to avoid him.
“ You didn't show up on Tuesday ”, Jonghyuk had said when he found Dokja in the school's gym. Although he used this spot to be left alone, Yoo Jonghyuk seemed to know him too well.
Kim Dokja lowered his book, eyebrows raised and a blank stare.
It was truly pathetic how a mere glance to Yoo Jonghyuk's face made everything suddenly better. Bearable. But then, Kim Dokja's mind made this thing when he started to ask himself ridiculous questions like ‘what would it feel to be chosen by a person like him?’.
“ I was sick ”, Dokja explained slowly. His throat was itching, and he could taste something like blood, “ I still am. I didn't want to infect you ”.
Jonghyuk didn't reply, but he chose to take the seat next to him. Kim Dokja moved an inch away, pretending to be fidgeting.
“ I wanted to introduce you to someone ”, Jonghyuk then said.
His tone was as soft as a whisper. Kim Dokja wanted to throw up.
“ Sorry ”, Dokja lowered his head again, nose almost pressing against the inside of his book, “ Who? ”.
He had to swallow hard again when his throat started itching. It had a bitter taste. As if having something squeezing his internal organs. Although… that was probably what was happening right now inside him.
“ Lee Seolhwa. The girl I was doing the studying notes for, remember? ”
Dokja nodded, letting out a tiny cough against his hand. The blood slid down his palm, and he wiped it off inside his hoodie.
“ Yeah. The… biochemistry one, right? ”.
Jonghyuk nodded, looking away. The tips of his ears burning red. Kim Dokja closed his eyes. Maybe if he didn't see it, then the pain would disappear. And then, he could finally be the friend Yoo Jonghyuk needed right now.
“ I… she had been asking for you, since I've been telling her about my life ”, Jonghyuk explained slowly, “ But that's not important now. You do sound a little sick. Do you need me to buy something for you? ”.
Dokja shook his head violently, coughing once more but this time using his black hoodie to cover up the blood, “ Nope. I'm okay, it's just a tiny cold ”.
Jonghyuk hummed softly in understanding.
The disappointment was even more bitter. After so many years together, Jonghyuk still couldn't recognize one of Kim Dokja's lies.
“ I wanted to ask for a favor too ”, Jonghyuk hesitated. It was sad how Kim Dokja could imagine his expression even with his eyes tightly shut. “ Just… don't make fun of me, yes? ”.
Dokja shook his head in denial. Usually that simple question would get a tease out of him. But not this time. This time, he was more focused on breathing through the nose to stop the pain that was erupting in his chest.
“ I like her ”, Jonghyuk muttered, “ I wanted to ask her out through a letter. So, would you please help me write something for her? ”
Kim Dokja wanted to throw up. No, this time he was going to throw up.
“ Yeah, sure. Just… email me the thing and I'll check it out ”, abruptly, he stood up from his hiding place. He struggled with his words, but struggled even more to say them without showing his mouth. Because he knew what a bloody mess he was already and he knew how worse it would get, “ I really have to go. Sorry ”.
Before Jonghyuk could say a thing, he grabbed onto his things and ran off.
—
It was a complete surprise he managed to hold it until he was inside his apartment again. The blood in his hoodie was already so noticeable, that he even received a few ugly stares on the bus. But if only they caught a glimpse of everything that was erupting from inside him, they would probably regret those disgusted faces. Or maybe not.
Kim Dokja threw up a petal, and then two, and then a whole fistful of red petals that stuck against his skin fingers with the help of his blood. The coughs didn't stop even when he cried or yelled.
It briefly brought him the memories of the first love he ever experienced. It had been the same, was it?
Which one had been the most painful? That was a hard question. However, the answer was pretty simple; the most painful was the one who was managing to kill him. Like it almost did today. That love.
And it almost did it again, when he received a certain email on his computer.
“ Dear Seolhwa… ”, Kim Dokja read. Please
It was probably the first time that reading made him feel real pain.
Still, he found himself editing and rewriting that note. A note that he badly wished it was reserved for himself. Words that contain an emotion that he yearned to own. But it was just as impossible as living harmoniously with a flower blooming inside his chest. Because that flower was now killing him slowly.
And the saddest thing was that he didn't even mind now.
As if his acceptance was what the flower was waiting for, roots started appearing underneath the skin of his chest, arms and part of his neck by the next day. It was painful, but he only needed to hold on a bit.
Kim Dokja had yet to complete a task.
—
In the morning, he dressed up with a fresh set of clothes and let down a letter over his desk. The letter had a name written over it, and it was handmade in contrast to the one he was carrying inside his bag. Still, if he had learned something about reading was that… it didn't matter how it looked, what truly mattered was their contents.
It was Tuesday again. So he stepped inside the usual restaurant and took his usual seat. As expected, Jonghyuk was not alone. In fact, what was more surprising was that he had two girls following after him.
One was Lee Seolhwa, and the other…
“ You ”, the girl muttered with a shocked expression. Kim Dokja managed to smile brightly, hand unconsciously clenching the hem of his turtleneck that he used to cover the roots growing under his skin.
When Yoo Jonghyuk and Lee Seolhwa were still taking their seats, Kim Dokja looked at the girl's eyes, and pressed his index fingers against his lips. The girl gaped at him, before shutting his mouth and pressing her lips together in what seemed like a scowl.
“ Kim Dokja ”, Jonghyuk called out, startling both of them, “ This is Lee Seolhwa, and Anna Croft ”.
“ A pleasure to meet you both ”, Kim Dokja smiled softly at each one of the girls, reaching out his hand for a brief handshake. “ It's glad to know who had been giving so much joy to this jerk ”, Dokja pointed at Lee Seolhwa briefly.
The bitter taste was returning to his mouth. He had to do this quickly.
“ Kim Dokja ”, Yoo Jonghyuk warned.
Kim Dokja chuckled, while he got up from his seat. Yoo Jonghyuk's brows furrowed in confusion at his sudden movement. However, Kim Dokja couldn't stay longer. Because he was literally dying inside.
“ Don't worry Jonghyuk-ah. I am only here to drop this ”, Kim Dokja opened his bag, retrieving the letter he spent all night looking at while crying. Yoo Jonghyuk's eyes widened and, with surprising speed, he reached for the letter.
“ Where are you going? ”, Jonghyuk asked with a glare.
Kim Dokja avoided his eyes. He fixed his gaze on Lee Seolhwa, who gave him a kind smile. He did not deserve that soft gesture.
“ I have a doctor's appointment ”, he lied. His eyes flicker to Anna Croft, and the girl's jaw clenched. Her expression was complicated, but she didn't say a thing. Then, he looked back at Yoo Jonghyuk.
“ Are you still sick? ”, his brows furrowed in worry, and Kim Dokja really wanted to confess right here and there.
To tell him he was sick because of a love that it would never be his. He wanted to thank him too, for showing him the type of love he would never regret to feel. And swear at him that, if during his next life he got the chance to love him again, he would do it without a question.
But he couldn't. He would probably read it later anyway.
“ I will be alright ”, Kim Dokja said instead. The taste of sweet perfume and blood invading his mouth, “ Take care Yoo Jonghyuk. And it was nice meeting you two ”.
He barely managed to smile softly before walking away. He swallowed back the blood and the petals that were bursting from inside his mouth as air.
He was choking a little when he made it to the streets.
And then, he started running.
He ran, and ran.
With more petals escaping his mouth and being blown away by the wind. And after a few more coughs, the blood ran out and there were only dry coughs of flower petals. His body was losing speed once he reached a familiar park. He crossed the metallic doors, and his feet stopped in front of a fountain.
There was a statue of an angel right in the middle, and he collapsed while contemplating its beauty.
The angel was looking down at the floor with pity in her eyes, one of her hands reaching down into the air. Kim Dokja wanted to reach out so badly, but he found himself unable to. His arms were now covered with blood, roots popping out from his body as veins, reaching to the surface in some spots where his skin just shattered.
He just laid down, back facing the floor and looking at the sky, but thinking about an ocean so deep and beautiful. An ocean he had yearned for.
From his half open mouth, a small flower was blooming beautifully.
A flower that will never meet his ocean.