Chapter Text
oOo
August
Jeongin’s heart was light as a feather as he skipped down the stairs, his hair bouncing along with every step he took. He felt like he was floating, and he was convinced that if he jumped a bit too high, there was a very high possibility that he would take off into the skies. He smiled when he finally reached the street and rushed to the traffic lights so he could make the way to Hyunjin’s place as fast as he could.
He shuffled restlessly with his feet as he waited for the light to turn green so he could finally move. There was so much excitement within him that he feared he looked a bit too much like a child on their birthday, but it didn’t matter.
Jeongin was old enough to not feel ashamed about being over the moon about something. Regardless of what Chan said, Jeongin wasn’t a kid anymore. Or, technically, he was, but by the New Year, he would be considered an adult.
The light had barely gone from red to yellow before Jeongin was off, his euphoric headspace nearly making him bump into some poor cyclist. Jeongin threw a halfhearted apology over his shoulder, but as soon as he had turned back around, the cyclist was out of his mind as if he had never even been there.
The giddy smile that had been permanently etched onto his face for six months was still ever-present.
Jeongin waved at old Mrs. Kim as he skipped past her, only laughing when she yelled about young people being too busy to take notice of their surroundings. He felt jittery and happy as he made his way down the road, Hyunjin’s apartment building quickly coming closer and closer to him. Jeongin could almost sense his heart skipping a beat at the thought of seeing his boyfriend again.
Boyfriend .
Just using the term about Hyunjin made him feel stupid on the inside. It didn’t even matter if they had to keep it secret for their friends or parents because Hyunjin was Jeongin’s. His and his alone! Jeongin smiled at nothing as he pushed the door open, jumping to the elevator and almost running to Hyunjin’s door when the doors parted for him as if he were entering Heaven.
He pressed the bell, butterflies filling his stomach as he heard approaching steps, Hyunjin’s mom smiling brightly at him when she opened the door.
“He’s in his room,” she said in lieu of greeting, giving Jeongin enough room to kick off his shoes and step inside. “He’s in an odd mood so I hope you can cheer him up,” she called after Jeongin who was already halfway down the hallway, aiming straight for Hyunjin’s bedroom.
He knew the house like it was his own. He had been friends with Hyunjin since before he could remember. Him and Chan. Their mothers had been friends and so, of course, their kids had to be friends too, and thankfully they had all liked each other’s company and their friendship had bloomed easily.
Then when they started school (Chan was three years ahead of them and already seemed like a genius to Jeongin) Jisung and Seungmin had joined. Chan had dragged Changbin into the group and somehow Minho had just ended up eating lunch with them - much to Seungmin’s displeasure. It had been like that until High School when Chan’s cousin moved back to South Korea and Jeongin learned that Sunshine personified was called Felix and was a small and freckled boy who spoke too much for his own good. He had fitted right in.
Time passed as it always did, brining all of them further apart than Jeongin had been comfortable with. It was to be expected, but time was a terrifying monster hiding in the corner of Jeongin’s eye wherever he looked.
Chan left for college, Minho and Changbin the year after, and, then, finally it was time for Hyunjin, Jisung, Seungmin, and Felix to graduate. Jeongin would miss them and knew that it would be hard to see his friends off and stay back as the last one, but he would make it. He would survive the one year where he would be alone because he knew that his friends and Hyunjin would never let him feel lonely even if there was half a country between them.
Jeongin stopped in front of Hyunjin’s door, placing both of his hands against the surface and gave it a tiny push, heart skipping another beat as he revealed his boyfriend perched on his bed.
He was drawing like he usually did, the sun bathing him in bright golden sunlight. He was listening to music, lost to his own world as he continued to draw, fingers already stained gray from graphite.
Jeongin couldn’t help but smile as he watched him, his heart feeling almost too big for his chest. It was on that very bed they had kissed a few months ago for the first time. They had been watching a movie and suddenly they had just looked at each other, and as easy as breathing they leaned closer, their mutual crushes blossoming effortlessly into something more.
Jeongin was in love with Hyunjin. There had never been any doubt in his heart. There would only ever be Hyunjin for Jeongin and nothing would be able to remove the love that sprung forth in Jeongin’s chest whenever he thought of Hyunjin.
His eyes, his laugh, the way his eyes disappeared when he laughed. His drawings, his singing voice, the way he hummed under his breath whenever he drew a portrait of Jeongin. His hair, his hands, the way Jeongin could spend hours threading his fingers through the locks while Hyunjin lay in his lap.
Jeongin loved him with his whole heart, feeling like he could barely contain what he felt inside his own chest sometimes. It was silly in a way to feel so much when he was only eighteen, but he was certain Hyunjin was The One for him.
He couldn’t imagine loving anyone like he loved Hyunjin.
Jeongin closed the door after himself gently, leaning up against it, and took one more second to admire his boyfriend. Seeing him leave for university would be hard, but Jeongin knew that if anyone could do long distance it was them. After all, it was a couple of hours by train and then Jeongin would be in Seoul with the others. He had already planned it all and saved all of his allowance so he would have enough for train tickets. He could do his homework on the train, and, well, he wouldn’t need a hotel room. He would sleep with Hyunjin in his bed, just like they had done a few days prior.
Sensing his cheeks heat up Jeongin kicked away from the door, slowly walking over to Hyunjin, waving his hand until he got his boyfriend’s attention. When their eyes met Jeongin smiled wider while Hyunjin just blinked at him surprised.
“Jeongin?” Hyunjin said, pulling off his headphones and dropping them on the bed next to him. His hair fell flawlessly around his face, framing him prettily. “Aren’t you early?” He asked with a frown and picked up his phone, scrolling through a couple of notifications before he dropped it back down on the sheets again.
“No, you were just lost in your own world,” Jeongin grinned, leaning in to press the gentlest kiss on Hyunjin’s cheek before he fell into the space next to him on the bed. “What are you doing? Your mom said you were feeling down.”
“I…” Hyunjin trailed off, not quite looking at Jeongin as his eyes skirted around the room, his brows moving closer and closer together, but Jeongin didn’t pay any attention to that. He was too busy trying not to look too much at the open boxes stuffed with the things Hyunjin was going to bring with him to Seoul in a week.
While Jeongin had come to terms with Hyunjin moving, seeing proof of it wasn’t something he could be considered a fan of. It was hard enough to know that this time next week he would be saying goodbye to one of the most important people in his life alongside the rest of his friends.
“Are you okay?” Jeongin asked, happiness dulling as he turned to face his boyfriend. Hyunjin was a little pale and still didn’t want to meet Jeongin’s eyes. The persistent frown on his face was soon mirrored by Jeongin. They had been together just the day before and everything had been fine, and now Hyunjin was acting odd. “Did something happen?”
“I think we should break up,” Hyunjin rushed, eyes on his own stained hands. “It would be for the best.”
Jeongin froze, his lips parting and his eyes widening in shock. He blinked as his heart slowly cracked, tiny fissures traveling across the muscle and giving him the sense of pinching in his chest. It felt like physical pain, needles punched repeatedly into him, the intensity of them only growing the longer Hyunjin remained silent. A thin crack ran down his chest, snapping and breaking until his whole chest splintered like glass.
“What?” Jeongin asked, voice emotionless and dead even to his own ears. He looked at his boyfriend, the air growing thicker and thicker with every second that passed. He felt like he should laugh and ask what Hyunjin was on about, but there was something so sincere in Hyunjin’s voice that Jeongin couldn’t even blame it on a mean-spirited attempt at a prank.
Hyunjin was serious.
“I think we should break up,” Hyunjin repeated, his voice a little firmer this time as he breathed out, finally raising his head to face Jeongin. “It’s not because I don’t like you.”
Jeongin just stared at him silently.
“I… I don’t think I’ss personally deal well with the long distance,” he admitted, finally reaching out and taking Jeongin’s slack hand. Jeongin let him do it, but his touch was no longer warm and comforting. It felt too hot like lava dripping onto Jeongin’s knuckles every time Hyunjin’s thumb brushed over them in an attempt to appear soothing. “And I don’t think it’s fair to trap you in a relationship with someone who lives on the other end of the country.”
Jeongin spared all the preparations he had done a thought. Of all the plans he had made, the money he had been saving up for months, of his own applications ready so he too could move to Seoul in a year.
“It’ll only be a year,” Jeongin reminded him numbly, not even feeling how Hyunjin’s hand tightened around his hand as he spoke. “12 months, Hyunjin.”
“A year is a long time,” Hyunjin said softly and shrugged as if it didn’t matter that Jeongin’s heart was bleeding from the tears he had made. “And I’ll be busy with university and you’ll be busy with classes. Even now I know you should be studying,” he added in a mildly scolding tone that reminded him so much of Chan it hurt.
“I did all my summer homework ages ago,” Jeongin said thinly, feeling a little like yanking his hand back. But he didn’t. Hyunjin’s touch was too precious to pull back from. “And you know I study for the CSAT every day.”
Hyunjin sighed deeply and Jeongin felt like a stupid, little kid being scolded.
“Jeongin… You deserve better than a half-time boyfriend. I'll be super busy when I start and I don’t think it’s fair. You’re so young, and, fuck it, Jeongin, it doesn’t feel right to keep seeing you when I know I can’t give you what you deserve.” Hyunjin turned away again, biting his lips as he watched Jeongin’s hand in his lap. “And it’s not you, Jeongin, you’re lovely. Perfect, really. It’s… just not the right time.”
Jeongin wanted to laugh. When had that line ever made anyone feel less horrible?
“So you just don’t like me anymore?” Jeongin asked with a scoff, beginning to feel a little disgusted with himself. They had been on this bed last night, hands all over each other's bodies, feeling every inch of each other, and not even for the first time. He had spent most of the afternoon in Hyunjin’s arms, only getting up to get dressed when Hyunjin’s parents came home, trying to hide a hickey Hyunjin had left on his clavicle as he sneaked home to his own parents for dinner.
What could have changed since yesterday?
“I do still like you, Innie,” Hyunjin said, sounding so genuine that Jeongin’s stomach churned. He tugged at Jeongin’s hand but still wasn’t able to look him in the eyes, to face him like a man. “Fuck, I don’t think I’ve ever liked anyone like I like you. But we’re eighteen and nineteen. What do we know about love?”
Jeongin would dare to claim he knew quite well, actually, but he seemed to be the only one who felt that way. He glared at Hyunjin, the man he loved so much it hurt, quite literally at the moment even, and just wanted to yell and scream.
And, yet, he didn’t. He bit it all back because it didn’t matter what he wanted to do anymore. Hyunjin had already made his choice and Jeongin would look like a fool if he tried to fight for them to remain together.
“So we just break up?” Jeongin asked casually, anger starting to burn under his broken heart. It bubbled to the surface, sinking into every crevice that was there and still bleeding, and made it feel like he was burning alive. “We just say our peace and I fuck out of your life like I never mattered?”
“No, Jeongin!” Hyunjin yelped, eyes wet with unshed tears when he finally dared to meet Jeongin’s burning gaze. “I still want us to be friends. These last few months have been amazing and I really do like you, it's just…”
“Not enough?” Jeongin finished for him. He found the courage and the will to yank his hand free of Hyunjin’s grasp, pulling it to his chest so he wasn’t tempted to reach out and comfort Hyunjin when tears started twinkling in his eyes like gemstones.
Jeongin wished he could cry and yell and scream, but he was hurting too much to do much more than sit there politely and take it.
“No, Jeongin, that isn’t what I'm trying to say. Fuck, this is not going how I wanted it to go,” Hyunjin muttered and hid his face in his hand, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. “I want us to go back to being friends. Shit, Jeongin, I wish we hadn’t kissed because that would have made it so much easier to leave, but I have to do this. I have to go to Seoul and I have to do well at college.”
“And me being back here will distract you from that?” Jeongin asked almost disbelievingly. “Are you for real?”
“No! Yes… Kinda,” Hyunjin mumbled into his graphite-stained hands. Jeongin blinked at his boyfriend - apparently his ex now - and had a really hard time feeling any sense of compassion for him. The idiot just fucking broke his heart and he was the one sitting around like he was the one who had the carpet pulled out from under his feet.
“I don’t regret it,” Jeongin blurted, voice quivering for the first time, the emotions he tried to keep at bay seeping through the walls he was building up around himself. They were constructing themselves, one brick after the other, slowly rising around him in a poor excuse of a fortress. “I won’t,” he said defiantly. “I won’t regret us, Hyunjin. I can’t.”
Hyunjin wasn't about to make Jeongin regret the best time of his life.
“Just, can we be friends?” Hyunjin whined, reaching out to tug at Jeongin’s hand again. He succeeded because when hadn’t he? Hyunjin always got his way when Jeongin was involved. “Let’s just go back to how it used to be,” he begged so hopefully as he looked up at him that Jeongin could sense himself deflate.
Hyunjin had always been his biggest weakness.
“Okay,” Jeongin relented, voice weak as he glanced down at his own hand once more cradled in Hyunjin’s lap. “We can stay friends,” he echoed, knowing it was just an empty promise. Not for him, but for Hyunjin.
Jeongin wasn't an idiot. He had tried this before. He had been left several times earlier.
First when Chan promised him he would call and talk, that it would feel like he had barely left, then when Minho and Changbin swore the same thing. All of them had been lying because now they hardly spoke with Jeongin anymore. Even as they had all been briefly home for the summer Jeongin hadn’t really talked with them for more than a few hours they spent at the beach.
Jeongin wasn't a fool. He understood he would be out of Hyunjin’s mind as soon as he left for Seoul. If Hyunjin really liked Jeongin as much as he said he did, he wouldn’t have broken up with him. Sure, it might be hard to do long distance, it might take its toll on them, but Hyunjin didn’t even want to try.
Was that really how little Jeongin mattered? It was hard to believe he could matter even less than he already did, but he should have known better than to be surprised.
Jeongin was nothing more than a disposable side character in the lives of everyone around him.
“Fuck, thank you,” Hyunjin breathed in relief and swung his long arms around Jeongin’s scrawny shoulders and held him close. The scent of his body wash overwhelmed Jeongin, sweet and floral as it hugged him closely, but it smelled more cloying than it ever had before, more artificial than anything else. “I couldn’t bear to lose you as a friend,” he muttered, hugging Jeongin so close it hurt, the splinters of his broken heart digging further into his tender insides.
Jeongin could only numbly hold onto Hyunjin too, feeling like his whole soul was withering away in sorrow. He closed his eyes and bit the tears back, wishing he loved the boy in his arms a little less.
Time would heal all wounds, but Jeongin feared this one would become a permanent mark on his soul.
oOo
September
Jeongin felt like crying as he held his phone. He had texted all of his friends but not a single person had replied back to him which would have been alright if not for one thing: The group chat was more than just alive. Several conversations were going on, promises and agreements to meet up, but not a single reply to Jeongin or anything involving him, really.
He threw his phone in the corner, picked up his controller, and decided to kill a few virtual people as his form of therapy. He could only glare at his console, growing even more angry when he remembered how much the others treated him like a child for still being into games. He didn’t know when it had gone out of fashion to play for several hours of the day, but that was just another thing where he and his friends no longer aligned.
They all used to do it, even playing together well into the night, hosting tournaments at each other’s houses and all. But when the others reached their second year of high school they had become too ‘busy’. Minho had claimed he didn’t have time for childish games, and, well, Changbin, Jisung, and Chan had always been more passionate about music. Seungmin had never really played, and Hyunjin had always been more of a fan of sitting by Jeongin’s side, leaning up against him and with his head resting on his shoulder while Jeongin played.
Jeongin missed it.
Felix had been the last to abandon the hobby, swamped with homework and prep school but at least he never made Jeongin feel bad about prioritizing his hobby over school and grades. Jeongin sighed at his controller, not even feeling like virtually killing anyone. He tried, but he kept getting distracted, ending up getting himself killed more than any therapeutic slaughtering from his side.
In the end, he just crawled into his bed, eyes on the beginning of autumn outside.
He felt empty.
Jeongin had been warned that having a secret relationship would be difficult because you could never show it to the world. It was the secrets and the quickly dropped hands, the lies and the half-truths that made it unbearable to stay in the closet and have a secret relationship, but Jeongin didn’t believe that was the full truth.
The true terror of a secret relationship was the lonely heartbreak.
Jeongin couldn't tell anyone why he was sad, couldn’t cry on the phone with Felix about the unfairness of life, couldn't demand the others to look at him and distract him. He just had to pretend he was fine. That his heart wasn’t broken beyond repair and that his lungs felt like they were filled with broken glass, every single breath cutting a little too deep as if he was actually dying.
Jeongin wasn’t sure what he had expected when Hyunjin broke up with him. Perhaps that his ex would keep true to his promise and they would stay friends, but Hyunjin was the one who replied back to him the least. He had barely hugged him when he left for Seoul.
The need to cry was back so Jeongin just kept his eyes wide open and stared outside his window, hand on his chest as he willed his heart to stop hurting, to stop longing for something that wasn’t his anymore, something that he wasn’t allowed to comfort in anymore.
To stop loving someone who didn’t want him. But it didn’t work.
It never worked.
oOo
November
Sry.
I can’t make it home anyway.
I'm drowning in work
Jeongin barely felt anything as he read the text from Jisung over and over again. He should be surprised, but he really wasn’t. They had all promised they would come home, that they would all do something for Jeongin not to feel lonely. But none of them had come home. Even Chan and Minho and Changbin hadn’t been home.
Now the rest were in Seoul with them, there wasn’t a point in going home, so they just didn’t.
Jeongin put his phone down and decided to resume studying. He was ahead, so there was no rush, but he didn’t have anything else to do. His teachers were bursting with pride and his parents gaped at his grades like they were Willy Wonka’s golden ticket so at least there was something fulfilling to be found there.
He should be happy, but it all felt oddly bittersweet. And stupid. And Jeongin hated it. He hated himself.
Cursing, Jeongin picked up his phone, knowing he was an idiot but he also knew that he had nothing to lose.
Hey Minho?
I have some time this weekend. Should I come up and visit you all since none of you can come home atm?
Jeongin stared at the phone, lip caught between his teeth as he waited for a reply. Time dragged on like it was trying to lose a race and Jeongin eventually gave up, finished his homework and got ready for bed. He was just about to turn off the light when his phone lit up.
He dived after it, his heart beating with happiness. Finally something .
His smile fell before it could even fully form and he threw his phone away, condemning his own idiocy and he turned around, hiding his tears in his pillow.
No
I don’t have the time to play babysitter.
oOo
December
“Fuck, you’re just so cute,” Chan cooed and hugged Jeongin tightly as if he was his grandchild. Jeongin allowed it, but only because he knew it meant a lot to Chan that he got to treat him like a little kid. “I had completely forgotten how tiny you were!”
Well, he would only allow so much.
“Well, if you were here more you wouldn’t have to be so reliant on your memory,” Jeongin bit out tightly, pushing Chan away as he backed further into the house putting some distance between him and his oldest friend.
“Wow,” Chan said, blinking as he stepped away, giving Jeongin a hard look. “Something up? It’s not like you to be so rude.”
Jeongin just stared at Chan’s shoes, biting the inside of his cheeks. He didn’t want to talk about it. Hadn’t even meant to say something like that to Chan. It had just flown out on its own, far beyond Jeongin’s control, but if there was one thing Jeongin was skilled at, it was brushing things under the rug. And if the bump got too noticeable, Jeongin would always find a new rug.
“I'm fine. I’m just tired,” Jeongin muttered, eyes still on his friend’s shoes. They were new, some designer brand Jeongin probably hadn’t ever heard about or would be able to afford for a long time. “I'm sorry,” he tagged on as an afterthought, the words sounding oddly false.
Sincerity was a lost art for Jeongin at the moment.
“Are you sure you’re fine? Mom says you’ve been acting weird all autumn,” Chan continued and Jeongin wanted to curse. Chan had always been too perceptive for both his and Jeongin’s own good. However, if Chan's mom had told him something had been off with Jeongin for the entirety of autumn and Chan hadn’t even bothered to check up on Jeongin, then what did it matter?
Jeongin had to stop himself from scoffing the moment his thoughts arrived at that conclusion. What kind of person would just ignore their friend when they knew they were sad? It irked Jeongin that Chan had known Jeongin was sad, but that he hadn’t said so the few times he and Jeongin talked on the phone.
“I'm fine,” Jeongin said through clenched teeth, finally looking up, hoping the fire in his eyes wasn’t as visible as it felt. He should just be glad his friend was home, that they would finally have a little time to be together during winter break. It wouldn’t be long, since most of them were only here for a week and between their family and all their other friends, but Jeongin would take what he could get.
Something was better than nothing.
“Did you wanna come in?” Jeongin asked, deciding to put his grudges away. What he really needed after all was to just be with his friends, and be reminded that they still loved him even if life and distance tried to pull them apart.
Jeongin could be civil regardless of how abandoned he had felt for months now.
Chan looked down, a forlorn expression on his face, and there it was, the hand scratched the back of his head in awkardness. Jeongin tilted his head to the side, frowning a bit when Chan didn’t immediately reply.
“I'm actually meeting up with the others,” Chan said after a beat, seemingly not willing to look Jeongin in the eyes all of a sudden. “I'm just dropping this off on the way. To your mom from mine,” he explained and pushed a bag into Jeongin's arms that he hadn’t noticed.
Jeongin took it, the frown on his face slowly morphing into something different. A small clutch of butterflies broke free in his stomach, the heavy weight on his shoulders gone in a second.
“Oh, if you give me ten minutes I can be ready,” Jeongin said, suddenly growing excited. It had been so long since all of them had done anything together. Jeongin didn’t even care what they were doing, hell, he would rather have his ears destroyed by Jisung and Minho at a Noraebang than sit at home alone anymore.
“Innie…you can’t,” Chan said, eyes dark and unhappy. Jeongin knew his face fell, knew it from the way Chan turned super flustered. “It’s just, we’re going out to drink and you're not legal yet and… It was Hyunjin who wanted to go tonight. I thought you knew and-”
Jeongin instantly felt the anger from before rushing back, this time intensified tenfold.
“I get it,” Jeongin said, voice dead and emotionless. He scoffed and shook his head. He didn’t know why he hadn’t expected this. Really, all of his precious childhood friends had already made it clear how little they wanted to do with him for months now. It was pathetic to keep his hopes up like a child expecting to get a ridiculously expensive robot cat for their birthday. “Go,” he added, clutching the bag in his arm, and using his foot to nudge the door closed. “Have fun.”
Before it could manage to shut in Chan’s face, the older man reached out and stopped it, his hand curled around the handle.
“Jeongin!” Chan protested, frustration tainting his voice as he stared down at Jeongin who was suddenly filled with an annoyance that he still hadn’t managed to outgrow Chan in height. “It’s not like that. Stop being a child.”
“I’m not a fucking child!” Jeongin snapped, voice like a whip through the empty hallway. “And it would be fine if this didn’t happen all the damn time, Chan! But go on, leave me alone, and get the fuck out of here. I’ll just take care of myself. Say hi to Hyunjin from me, and tell him I fucking appreciate the invite!”
“What in the world happened with you and Hyunjin?” Chan asked, eyes narrowing in on Jeongin like a viper. “You were super close and now you don't speak. Did you have an argument or something?”
“If you’re so curious why don’t you ask Hyunjin,” Jeongin spat, voice dark, anger welling up in his chest. He felt betrayed, and furious, but most of all he was heartbroken. Because it was so unfair. So unfair that one year got to make this much of a difference. So unfair that Hyunjin got to keep their friends while Jeongin was left on his own, all alone in a world that didn’t understand him. So unfair his heart was broken while Hyunjin was completely fine. “He’s the one who can’t keep his promises, not me.”
Jeongin didn't give Chan a chance to speak before he slammed the door in his face.
He put away the banchans Chan’s mom had sent over and went into his room. His parents were out, so the apartment was filled to the brim with an oppressive silence which Jeongin found himself unable to break. He ignored his phone as it kept ringing, not in the mood for more bad excuses. He knew Minho would call him too in a moment, bitching about Jeongin needing to get his shit together, but Jeongin was tired.
The next day he faked a fever, getting his mom to turn Chan away at the door, ignoring as his phone rang. He stayed in bed till the others left, staring into the wall as his heart slowly began to wither away.
That Christmas Jeongin sat down and began the tedious process of learning how to program. He needed a new hobby, something that wasn’t tinted by old friendships and bitter memories.
oOo
January
Jeongin’s phone lit up, a new notification joining the others on the screen. He glanced at it mindlessly, not reading the words already knowing it would be another complaint about homework, college professors, or Seoul traffic.
He returned his focus to his own work, the lines of code beginning to make sense as he kept reading. His game had glitched and in a spout of boredom, Jeongin had gone on binge research trying to figure out why. This in turn led him to coding which was simple in theory, but so wonderfully complicated it actually kept his head busy and stopped him pinning too much after Hyunjin.
It seemed like a decent skill to pick up, and while it would hardly make his life different, perhaps he could make himself useful to his friends by being the IT guy. The one they had to call when their computers acted up and they needed help. He could live with that as long as someone looked at him for more than a second with something that wasn’t disdain.
Jeongin had a stack of finished homework next to him, ready to pull over the tablet in case his mother decided to grace him with a visit.
Not that she would with how much time she spent away. His father was working late, leaving Jeongin all alone as usual. Dinner had been reheated leftovers and his only company was his books and the depressing quietness taking up the empty apartment. It wasn't a wonder he had finished all his homework and was weeks ahead on half his assignments and reading. Jeongin had plenty of time, so much so that he barely knew what to do with all of it.
His phone lit up again, Hyunjin’s name drawing his unwilling attention.
He still hadn’t called, still hadn’t replied to a single one of Jeongin’s messages. If Chan had spoken to him after winter break Hyunjin’s certainly hadn’t changed his mind about anything. Even when Jeongin wrote in the chat, Hyunjin never replied, hell, Jeongin was lucky if Seungmin replied before his message was drowned out by their busy lives and plans.
Plans like Hyunjin and Chan meeting up for coffee and Minho joining them an hour later. Plans like how Jisung couldn’t make it because he was busy with work and plans like Changbin and Felix going for a walk just about when Chan, Minho, and Hyunjin were meeting up. Seungmin had a paper and couldn’t be there for anything, but that someone never deterred the others from inviting him repeatedly..
Jeongin stared at his screen, wondering what would happen if he asked to come. If he offered to go. He could do it easily. He had the money for the train tickets hidden under his bed, which would take a few hours, sure, but since his classmates didn’t need him to keep their ‘not dating’ scheme secret anymore Jeongin had plenty of time.
He picked up the phone, a message half typed out inside his head before he sighed and dropped the phone again. The last he had done that, the plans had been changed, things popped up and before Jeongin knew what had happened, they had all been busy asking him to stay home. And, well, once it had been a coincidence, when it happened the third time Jeongin began to take it personally.
However, Jeongin didn’t remove his attention from the screen. Changbin was busy talking about his professor’s lack of principles, Hyunjin sent constant strings of laughing emojis and edged him on while Chan tried to defend their professor. They seemed so happy and normal even without Jeongin there. It was hard not to feel like he was a cut-off tag, unneeded, and unwanted.
He placed the phone down, ignoring the texts he got from his classmates since they just wanted to steal his homework or for him to go out with them and look away while they tried to charm the girl of their dreams into sleeping with them. They only used Jeongin’s company to make the whole thing look like it wasn’t a date, or worse, to try and set Jeongin up with the girl’s best friend whom Jeongin had no interest in.
He knew he was gay, knew that even if he hadn’t met Hyunjin and fallen in love with him he would prefer to kiss boys. Not even the rosary ring on his finger could remove that fact.
“It’s okay,” Jeonging told himself and tossed the phone far away, hoping the battery would die soon enough so he had an excuse to ignore everyone. “He will come around. One day he will love you again,” he muttered, words sounding more and more like a lie every time he told them to himself.
oOo
Lunar New year
“Goodness, Innie, it’s been ages,” Jisung sighed as he leaned into Jeongin’s side, draping himself all over the younger man like a human blanket.
He was acting more like Felix than like himself with how he was unable to keep touching Jeongin, rubbing his hands over his shoulders and his chest, feeling him up like he couldn’t believe he was real. Jeongin just smiled weakly at his antics and allowed his friend to be touchy for once. It hurt, but it was still warm and only God knew how long it had been since Jeongin had been hugged by someone who wasn’t his mom.
“When was the last time the two of us even spoke?” Jisung asked, fidgeting with the aglet of Jeoning’s hoodie’s drawstring.
“Sometimes during the summer,” Jeongin answered truthfully, trying to keep it casual and ignoring the bitterness that tinged the words. “You all have been busy,” he said, trying his very best to keep his voice neutral. “Very busy.”
“Don’t fucking remind me,” Jisung groaned, looking exhausted as he cuddled further into Jeongin’s stiff embrace. He was so small, smaller than Jeongin recalled him being, but it had been so long since they had seen him in person that he didn’t know if it was a trick of his mind. “Chan and Changbin are like eons ahead of me and I'm just here trying to catch up. It’s really frustrating, you know?”
Jeongin scoffed.
“I know the feeling,” he said dryly, taking a long sip of his coffee, grimacing at the bitterness. He promised Chan he would be civil and give them all a chance, and since Jeongin wasn’t a child like they all claimed he was, he had shown up without any of the negative connotations his friends had been accumulating over the last months.
“It’s going to be you next year,” Jisung said with a pitiful smile. Jeongin couldn’t see Jisung’s eyes, but somehow he knew they were filled with sadness.
It was odd. Jisung had never appeared anything other than happy but ever since stepping inside the cafe, he hadn’t even smiled or cracked a joke.
“I miss you like crazy though, you know that, right?” Jisung asked, voice small and hands cold in Jeongin’s. “It’s not the same when you aren't there. Seungmin and Minho bicker more than usual, Felix has no one to cling to and Chan looks like he’s lost his will to live when he only counts to six.”
“I know,” Jeongin said, trying his very best to convince himself he did. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe what all of them were saying was true, it was just hard when he was still the odd one out. The one they left behind. “And it’s not like I don't want to come visit you. None of you just seem to want to house me,” he added, scowling at his coffee, fighting to keep his voice even and casual.
His eyes strayed to the next table where Hyunjin was sitting, his back to Jeongin, head in his phone as he while he laughed together with Felix about something they had watched.
Chan, Minho, and Changbin were at the counter getting their orders, talking hushedly about something Jeongin couldn’t bring himself to care about. They had been late and therefore hadn’t ordered at the same time as Jeongin and the rest. Chan would probably have ordered some kind of smoothie for Jeongin claiming he was too young to get hooked on caffeine.
“It’s gonna be so much better when you move up to Seoul after the summer break,” Jisung continued on, his thumb moving back and forth over Jeongin’s knuckles.
Jeongin followed the movement with his eyes, back and forth, almost feeling like he wasn’t present. Something about the idea of moving to Seoul made him feel uneasy, like it wasn’t something he was meant to do even though he knew that had always been the plan; Follow after his friends, move to Seoul, and fall back into the relations they had had before Hyunjin broke his heart.
“We were thinking about getting a big place, you know, all us young ones in one place,” Jisung said quietly, the rubbing of Jeongin’s knuckles not ceasing once. “Since, you know, we’re all at Seungmin and Felix’s apartment all the time anyway so it’ll be easier just moving in together. You would just make it perfect.”
“Are you sure they all agree on that?” Jeongin asked, eyes skirting to where Hyunjin was everything but full-on out ignoring him. Jeongin wasn’t sure what he hoped to achieve; Make Jeongin feel sad? Make him jealous of all the attention he was pouring out over Felix? It was Hyunjin who had wanted to break up and still remain friends, and yet…
Hyunjin hadn’t spoken to him since he left for university, even with a fruitless promise of nothing between them having to change just because they broke up. Jeongin was certain that he could have permitted himself to continue being friends with Hyunjin, but Hyunjin hadn’t really given him a chance.
“Hyunjinnie misses you too, you know,” Jisung said, voice low enough so that Hyunjin couldn’t overhear, sharp eyes watching Jeongin as he spoke. Jeongin kept his focus on his cup, trying very hard to remain neutral. “I don't know what happened but he’s not the same since you stopped talking.”
“I wasn’t the one ignoring my calls,” Jeongin said, trying so hard not to sound bitter. He hadn’t spoken more than a few words with Hyunjin in the last half a year, and every time their eyes accidentally met, Hyunjin was too quick to direct his attention elsewhere.
Jeongin hated it, but his heart still hurt when he looked at him. Jeongin still wanted him, still needed him… Still loved him.
“I know I shouldn’t out him, but…” Jisung glanced around and leaned closer to Jeongin, his breath fanning across the side of his face as he spoke. “I saw him kissing a guy,” he whispered, the words shooting through Jeongin like an arrow.
He moved on. He moved on. He moved on.
I’m being left behind.
“It was at one of those parties he likes to attend, those artsy things,” Jisung continued in a hushed voice. “I don’t think he knew I was there, but it didn’t look like it was the first time so… Well, that’s a lot to try and figure out. So maybe reach out, tell him he can be himself, you know,” he added and sank back into the seat, completely oblivious to the way Jeongin’s mind was falling apart. “I know you won’t judge him.”
So, somehow, Hyunjin had managed to get over Jeongin so quickly.
Jeongin wasn’t sure how he was supposed to handle that piece of information. Most of all he just wanted to throw his cup to the ground, watch it splinter and soak the carpet with the bitter liquid, scream and yell at Hyunjin for breaking his heart, and being happy when Jeongin hadn’t felt anything sans the pain in his chest from the heart Hyunjin carelessly broke.
Jeongin wanted to do a lot of things.
But he couldn’t find it in himself to do anything.
So he just sat and stared at his cup, willing his hand not to shake. He didn’t know why he was surprised. He shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t be. It wasn’t like he and Hyunjin were a thing anymore.
They weren’t even friends, the distance between them growing wider and wider with each passing day where neither of them reached out to the other. Jeongin knew that, of course, he did, he had cried his eyes out for days, weeks, months because of it, and yet somewhere deep in his heart, Jeongin had always thought they would get back together. It was just a matter of time before Hyunjin would pull his head out of the ground and realize that there wouldn’t ever be anything as right for him as Jeongin.
Jeongin blinked, tears dancing in front of his vision, making the cup in his hands blurry. He couldn’t believe he had allowed that little seed of hope to actually remain inside his mind when it clearly should have been ripped out of the ground and discarded long ago.
Jeongin felt like the child he claimed he wasn’t but clearly was with the way his throat closed up, his head grasping for something to ground himself on, something to keep the impending conclusion his mind was slowly settling on.
Like most things in Jeongin’s life, he was unsuccessful.
Hyunjin had made it clear and now there wasn’t any way for Jeongin to deny the obvious truth. Hyunjin just didn’t want Jeongin. It was as simple as that.
It had nothing to do with distance, but everything to do with Jeongin.
Hyunjin didn’t love him, most likely never had, and Jeongin had fooled himself into thinking he and Hyunjin had been more than just the curious exploration of two teenage boys trying to figure out their own sexuality.
“And here we are,” Chan announced, saving Jeongin from having to figure out a reply. He placed a few mugs on the table, while Minho sat the other half on the other table. “I got you a smoothie, Innie,” Chan said with a bright smile, so fatherly and proud it made Jeongin sick. “Thought you might soon be done with your hot cocoa.”
“It's an Americano, actually,” Jeongin said, voice sounding hollow even to him. “But thanks,” he forced out, accepting the bright red fruit drink, except the bright pink raspberries looked like blood to him. His stomach turned and he slammed his mug down on the table, silencing all of them. “I have to go to the bathroom,” he threw over his shoulder as he got him and practically ran away.
He didn’t look back, but he swore could feel Hyunjin’s eyes on him as he left. He barely made it to the restrooms before six months of pure heartbreak tore through him, ripping him to shreds as he sobbed silently into his hands, feeling like he was going to die.
Who knew? Maybe he was. Jeongin didn’t know.
One thing he did know, however, was that he never wanted to feel like this ever again.
He never wanted to feel anything ever again.
“It’s okay,” Jeoning told himself, words nothing but a whisper as he tried to stop himself from crying, his nails digging into his scalp. “One day someone will love me. One day it’ll stop hurting.”
oOo
May
“ I'm so sorry, Innie, we’ve just been swamped ,” Minho said, voice tired through the phone. Jeongin hummed non-committedly, too used to the many excuses to really care anymore. He was just happy he had someone to listen to speak now. “ I wish you could come up and visit us .”
“I could,” Jeongin offered, busy typing code into his computer to try and see if he could make it work. Much to his surprise it did. On his browser, he had a long-abandoned beginner’s guide to Python ready just in case he needed to refresh his memory on something, but it had been a while since he had last needed it. For a couple of weeks now, Jeongin had managed to get a grasp on it, and while he still made some major mistakes when it came to more complicated actions, he found himself feeling more and more comfortable using Python as his main tool.
“I even offered,” he added, tongue sticking out of his mouth as he continued to type frantically. He had only taken up coding because he thought it would be super hard and it would keep his silly head from being distracted by his dumb heart, but who would have thought he had a genuine talent for it?
“ You did? ” Minho asked, sounding surprised. Jeongin rolled his eyes quietly and clicked over to his browser where he had heard a quiet ping a couple of minutes ago. It was just a Reddit PM from one of his friends asking him if he wanted to play, and then a slight passive aggressive complaint about how difficult he was to get a hold of.
Jeongin brushed it aside and ignored it, returning back to the work at hand.
“Hmm, last week,” Jeongin said but he trailed off at the commotion at the other end of the phone. The sound of a door opening and closing resounded before a rush of voices blasted through the connection.
Jeongin was so surprised he stopped what he was doing, fingers hovering over the keys.
“ Sorry - would you all shut up? I'm talking to Innie, yes that means you, especially Changbin. You’re the loudest here .”
“What the heck?” He muttered when a choir of yelling drowned out Minho’s talking.
“ I am not! ” Changbin’s voice sounded through the phone, another mess of yelling following. “ Jezz, I'm sorry, Innie -” Minho sighed fondly, the quiet exhale like a knife to Jeongin’s back. “- We are having our weekly movie night .”
Jeongin, who had just begun to type again, paused, his chest burning with anger.
“Weekly movie night?” He repeated. That was the first he heard of that. Not even the group chat had hinted at something like this taking place every week.
“ Yeah, we didn’t feel like we got to see each other enough so we decided to make a weekly movie night where we all meet up and hang out. You know, to catch up, ” Minho said, more noise filtering through the phone. “ It was Hyunjin’s idea and one of his few brilliant ones if I do say so myself. ”
“Oh,” Was all Jeongin could say. “Thanks for the invite.”
“ Fuck, Innie, no, no, no, ” Minho said, catching the tone of Jeongin’s voice quickly. “ It’s not like that. Please don’t misunderstand. Bang Chan! I fucked up! ” He yelled, more stumbling following before Chan’t voice filtered through the phone.
“ Innie, you’re more than welcome ,” Chan said something hurried to his voice. Jeongin just stared at the code on his screen, the numbers and letters staring right back at him. “ Why didn’t you come up this weeke- ”
“Because I was told you were busy like you are every time I ask to hang out with you,” Jeongin snapped and picked up his phone from where it had been resting on his desk, thumb hovering over the red button. “Sorry for disturbing you. Goodbye,” he said, hanging up and throwing the phone over his shoulders as he pulled out his earphones, burying himself in his code.
At least he could always count on that to not let him down.
His eyes skirted to the acceptance letter he had printed out to show his mom, a decision slowly forming in the back of his head.
oOo
August
The noise from the airport was deafening as Jeongin walked away from check-in, his backpack safely on his shoulder. He strolled over to his mother who was looking ready to cry, but probably never would because it would ruin her makeup. He smiled comfortingly at her, opening his arms so she could dive in for a hug.
“Oh, Jeonginnie,” she sighed, holding him so close it hurt. Jeongin allowed her for once, soaking up as much of her love as he could. He breathed in deeply, reveling in the perfume she used to wear when he was a kid, the one his father gifted her whenever she ran out. It would be a while before he saw her again. “I am going to miss you so much,” she breathed into his hair, his father’s hand coming up to rest on his back.
Like this, they almost looked like the perfect family.
“I’ll miss you, too,” Jeongin said truthfully. He had nearly changed his mind a hundred times, but he knew in his gut that he was doing the right thing. Jeongin needed air, to get away and figure out who he was.
This time he was the one leaving people behind. Not the other way around.
“Aish, you’re so big now,” his mother said, stepping back and tugging at his clothing, straightening out any potential creases. She wasn’t wrong. Jeongin had just finished his last big growth spurt and knew he had to be taller than most of his friends. Not that it was hard, Jisung was tiny and Changbin had somehow stopped growing when he turned 17.
“We’ll come over for the New Year, alright?” His dad said, his eyes glassy as he looked at his son. “If you need anything just call us. And call us when you land, and when you get to the dorm and -”
“I’ll call,” Jeongin said with a smile at his father. Jeongin understood his fear, but he was determined not to fail his parents. They didn’t need to worry about a single thing while he was abroad. They didn’t even need to worry about him anymore.
“Where are your friends?” His mom asked after a moment, eyes on her watch. “I can’t believe they chose this day of all to be late,” she muttered tapping her foot nervously.
Jeongin wished he could share her surprise, but somehow he had expected it.
“I don't think they’ll make it,” Jeongin shrugged, nails digging into the strap of his bag. Please make it. Please make it. Please make it. “Just tell them I said hi,” he said, leaning in and kissing his mother’s cheek before he hugged his father one last time
“You can’t wait a little longer?” His dad asked worriedly as he released Jeongin, eyes on the entry to the trains where his friends should have arrived a long time ago.
Please make it. Please make it. Please make it.
“They mentioned the security line would be horrible when I checked in,” Jeongin lied effortlessly. He knew they wouldn’t be here, and even if they were, Jeongin wasn’t sure what to tell them.
After all, he had waited until about two weeks ago to drop the fact that he was going to the US to study. They had all been shocked, of course, a little mad he hadn't told them earlier, naturally. Jeongin had lied and said it was because got the spot at the last minute, but he had a feeling they all knew he just didn’t want to tell them.
Jeongin refused to feel guilty, though, since none of them had bothered to come home for the summer, so sure he would join them now they hadn’t bothered to visit him one last time. Well. Jeongin won this round. He was done waiting.
Hyunjin was the only one who hadn’t called him when he had announced it. Jeongin wished he had.
“Tell them I'm sad we didn’t get to say goodbye,” Jeongin said with a bitter smile, taking his passport and phone out of his bag. This was it. Once he walked over to the gate there was no way back. “I love you,” he told his parents, accepting another painful hug from them before he turned around to leave.
His heart was heavy as he reached the gate, smiling carefully at the personnel as he was guided into the scanning gate, ready to be on his own for once in his life out of his own free will.
It was his turn when a yell tore through the airport.
“INNIE!” Hyunjin cried out, followed by a yell from both Minho and Changbin.
Jeongin blinked, eyes filling with tears as he pressed the boarding pass to the scanner, the gates flicking open and allowing him to enter. But his legs were frozen to the ground, seconds ticking away soundly around him.
He heard his friend call for him again, but he pretended he couldn't hear them, and with powers, he didn’t knew he possessed, he entered the gate and made a beeline for security. They had all had their chance to say goodbye, it wasn't Jeongin’s fault that they were too late.
He just hoped he could leave his love at home and wake up in another country with a new and unbroken heart.
If it didn’t happen, Jeongin could pretend. He was getting good at that.