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Yunho didn’t remember how long he had been standing under the shower, scorching water cascading down his body. Looking at his fingertips, it must have been longer than he thought. His mind wandered off again. It was an experience he was starting to get used to these days.
He blinked out the water dripping into his eyes, the drops rolling down his face. mimicking the whirlwind of emotions he was feeling. It was too much and then numbness at the same time. He scoffed, as if he was angry at himself, rubbing himself absentmindedly with a washcloth It had been a while since there was purpose in his movements as his thoughts remained cloudy. Wandering to the events that happened earlier that day. Moments that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone, but they meant everything to Yunho. He was slowly, but surely locking these special moments away, searing them into his brain. They brought him unexplainable joy, but also guilt. Guilt was always the thing that he felt first. The joy came much later, if he allowed it.
Today has been a grueling day at the practice room, going through the choreography for their new title song. It proved to be a challenge. even for the dance leader himself, which was a good and a bad thing. Good, because this urged him to move his body in ways he usually didn’t have to, and it was something new. To learn the elements that were so different, but that was something he was known for. He thrived on this. Usually. And now the bad part. It wouldn’t even be challenging, if he was just focused. But he wasn’t, and it frustrated him. This should be his safe place. He is supposed to be good at this. Great, even. One of the best dancers. The knowledge that he could do this, learn the dance, and then even help the others learning it. But nowadays, he slipped up. The grip he had on himself started to loosen. The things he could usually control were slipping out of his hands.
And it was because he couldn’t stop his wandering mind. He couldn’t stop glancing at Mingi. On other days he could hold himself back, playing the part he was supposed to play, but he was just so tired. Exhausted. So today when he was demonstrating a move - sexier than what they usually do, bending down, arching, then twisting the body upward - he made the mistake to actually look in the mirror, but not at himself, but his eyes automatically went straight to Mingi.
He was looking right back at him, but that was not what made his heart drop to his stomach - it was the look in his eyes. He recognized that look. He recognized it, because he’s seen it in his own eyes in the mirror every morning. It was a look that cannot be put into words - not really. These emotions can only be recognized in the eyes of others if you’ve felt them yourself. The mix of yearning, love, pain. It seemed crazy how these things can be recognized just from a glance of an eye.
He’s never seen these in Mingi’s eyes, all together at once. It surprised him so much that he fumbled the move, twisted his body in the opposite direction. This made him lose his balance, and tripped over his leg. The moment between them was broken. Yunho bent down, trying to catch his breath, and laughed with the others.
“How the mighty have fallen” Wooyoung laughed, stepping beside him, and patted his shoulder. “What is up with you today, you are out of it. Do you have somewhere else to be?”
Yunho felt the burn on his ears, on the back of his neck. He was so flustered, he couldn’t even think of anything clever to say.
“Then you can go ahead and teach us, everyone knows you are the Sexy Guy in the team,” Yunho muttered finally, standing up, and shrugging Wooyoung’s hand off his shoulder. The others didn’t seem to sense the tension, awkwardness Yunho was feeling, they were chuckling, only Mingi seemed to be lost in thought.
Wooyoung raised his eyebrows, holding up his hands.
“Someone is touchy today. Should we just have lunch break now?” He turned to the others.
“Yeah, it seems we all need a break,” Seonghwa nodded, and Yunho felt relieved. While the others started to gather their stuff, laughing and talking loudly, Yunho turned back to the mirror and just stared at himself.
What am I doing?
He let himself slip up today. Not just slip up, he made a mistake. Another one, again. This was becoming more and more common in the last few days. But today was different. Because Mingi looked at him. The more he thought about it, the more uncertain he became whether he even saw it or he just wanted to. He felt his heart speeding up, his stomach clenching uncomfortably, even to the chance of Mingi looking back in a way that happened only in his heart’s deepest desire. The thought of the remotest possibility of Mingi reciprocating whatever he was feeling was unfathomable to Yunho.
“…-nho”.
Yunho’s mind snapped back into his body, eyes focused on the source of the voice.
Still looking only through the mirror, Yunho could see that the practice room was now empty, only Mingi was standing a few feet behind him, backpack slung onto one shoulder.
“Did you not hear me calling you? I said your name at least three times.” He said, looking confused, and slightly concerned.
Yunho, still not turning around, laughed awkwardly, breaking eye contact. “Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking.”
“Thinking? You?” Mingi teased, easing up a little at the sound of Yunho’s laugh, slowly starting to walk slowly towards him.
Yunho rolled his eyes.“Haha, everyone is so funny today.” His eyes were decidedly not on Mingi’s face, but somewhere around his neck, chest, tracing his body, as he moved closer and closer.
“Well, you are always so serious, and perfect …we have to take every chance to tease you.” Mingi smiled softly, stopping right behind him.
The funny feeling returned to his stomach. But it was replaced by the annoyance that flared up in him. He huffed, looking down at his feet. “Perfect, right.”
He felt something at his neck, something caressing. He didn’t even move at first, it didn’t even register in his brain. He glanced up.
His eyes traced Mingi’s lifted arm, traced it until it reached where Mingi’s hand was resting on the back of his neck, fingertips slowly being buried in the short hair on the back of his head. He felt goosebumps starting to form on his neck, and then running through his whole body. His mind idly wondered if Mingi had felt it too.
Yunho froze. His eyes found Mingi’s in the mirror, the second time that day. He saw the same thing he saw before, but neither of them broke eye contact this time. The air grew heavy with tension. Yunho felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest.
“You are, you know. Perfect.” Mingi murmured, as if he was talking to himself, voice low and raspy.
Yunho was still just standing there, not moving an inch. Mingi’s fingers were now more tangled in his hair, lightly scratching his scalp, he felt like he never wanted it to stop. His breath hitched as his brain caught up what was said. Like he got electrocuted, he ducked and tore his head out under Mingi’s hand. He couldn’t look at Mingi as he was sidestepping him.
His mind screamed to uphold some kind of resemblance of normalcy, to say something Mingi, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even pretend he was okay. He all, but ran to his own bag, grabbed his mobile and left the room without even saying goodbye.
Why did he do that?
He was now scrubbing his skin with such a force that it left red marks all over. He couldn’t stop it, it didn’t feel enough.
After several minutes, he finally made himself stop. He rinsed himself and stepped out of the shower. He dried himself off with a white fluffy towel placed on the counter. When he was done, he grabbed the clothes he put there earlier - oversized white t-shirt and loose, cotton pajama pants, riding low on his hips.
He stepped out of the bathroom, steam coming out after him. He looked at his PC, wondering if he should play something, to take his mind off of things, but the thought tired him even more. As he was pondering, he heard some noise outside of his room. It was 1AM, so he knew it couldn’t be Yeosang. In the past few weeks he tried to fix sleep schedule, and went to bed relatively early. Yunho stood motionlessly, trying to listen to what the noise could be. It was dead silent, but then he could hear footsteps approaching then stopping just right outside his room.
Yunho tensed as he heard a low knock. Whoever it was didn’t even wait, the handle was pushed down and the door opened.
Mingi was standing there, with an apologetic look on his face. He was wearing his grey oversized hoodie and matching pants. His hair was a mess, like he was constantly putting his hands in it.
“Hey, sorry,” Mingi whispered, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. “Can I come in?”
Yunho felt his heart speeding up, mind freezing. He didn’t expect to meet with Mingi so soon after… He couldn’t even decide on what to think of it. How to bury it.
He stepped closer to the door, and to try to conceal his nervousness, he masked his expression to be neutral, eyebrows furrowing.
“What are you doing here so late?”
“I just couldn’t sleep, I-…I just want to talk to you. Can I…?” Mingi gestured to the door, putting one foot already inside his room.
“Ah.. yeah, sure, come in, before you wake Yeosang up.” Yunho said, knowing he sounded annoyed, but he couldn’t help it. His nerves came over him, his defense mechanism rising.
Mingi walked in, his eyes taking in the room. Yunho closed the door behind him, and he turned around, arms crossing his chest.
“So, what’s so urgent that you have to come here at 1AM?”
Mingi took a deep breath and turned to face him. His shoulders were hunched up, like he was bracing himself for whatever was coming.
“I just….I told you, I couldn’t sleep.” Mingi started, looking at Yunho’s face, but quickly looked down, fingers fidgeting with the hem of his hoodie. Then he stopped, his eyes returned to Yunho’s face, determined to make eye contact with him.
“I wanted to talk about what happened during practice.”
Yunho stared at Mingi, his expression telling nothing, but Yunho could hear his heartbeat in his ears, the pain in his stomach now more evident.
“Why, what happened?” He asked, feigning confusion. He made himself lower his arms, wiping his palms - what he hoped was discreet move- on his pants.
Now it was Mingi’s turn to act lost . He blinked at Yunho, and snorted incredulously.
“What do you mean what?” He started, talking slowly as if he didn’t want to scare Yunho off. “When I put my hand in your hair and then you ran off.”
Mingi was looking at him expectantly, with a neutral expression on his face.
Yunho was now chewing on his lower lip. He didn’t want to talk or think about practice. How it made him feel, how wonderful it was, what it meant. How thinking about it made him hard, when he was under the shower. He was surprised that Mingi was the one bringing this up, uncharacteristically confrontational and… brave from him.
“Yeah, well, I just wasn't expecting it. And you know how ticklish I am, so…” He trailed off, hoping Mingi would drop the topic.
Mingi was watching him with a look in his eyes, like he was trying to solve a puzzle, figure him out. He licked his lower lips, his eyes skipping to Yunho’s lips, then down at his feet.
“Okay, cool. So we are good, right?” He said finally, glancing back up.
Yunho felt relief washing over him. He smiled at Mingi.
“Sure, yeah. Nothing happened.”
Mingi just looked at him without saying anything, a strange look in his eyes. Like he knew something Yunho didn’t.
“Can we hug on it?”
Yunho’s smile faltered, he didn’t understand why Mingi was doing this, why he was so persistent, but he desperately wanted out of this conversation.
“Uh, yeah, if you want to.” He replied finally, raising his eyebrows slightly, like he didn’t understand why it would be necessary.
Mingi rolled his eyes. “Geez, don’t be so enthusiastic.” He stepped closer to Yunho, arms opening, beckoning Yunho to come to him.
Yunho licked his lips, and stepped closer to Mingi, arms automatically going over Mingi’s shoulders, around his neck. Mingi’s arms closed around him, arms resting beneath his arms, hands resting at his lower back.
All it took was a hug to break down his defenses. It felt so good, Mingi’s scent taking over his senses. He turned his head, his nose and lips close to Mingi’s neck, and without being aware of it, he let out a contented sigh. He felt one of Mingi’s hand stroking up his back, until it reached his destination, the back of his neck. He had a deja vu feeling and fingers were being buried in his hair once again. His eyes snapped open, and he tried to step back, but Mingi’s arms were holding him in place.
“Mingi, the hug is over,” He tried to be lighthearted, but his voice was breathy and lower than it usually was.
Mingi seemed to snap out of it, loosened his arms, and Yunho tried to put some distance between them. As he was trying to move, he felt a hand under his chin, and then Mingi’s lips were on his.
It seemed that time stopped. He felt how soft Mingi’s lips were against his, and he couldn’t help kissing back. He started to move his lips too, almost shyly. Mingi seemed to gain confidence from that and groaned. He started to become more sure, putting more force behind the kiss. His hands were roaming on Yunho’s back, stroking every inch he could reach. Yunho felt like his head was spinning, and felt like the rug had been pulled from under him.
He could feel Mingi pushing him back, his legs almost giving away, he stumbled back until his back hit the door. Mingi didn’t let go of him even for a second. He was pushing Yunho into the door, now kissing with open mouth, tongue gliding against Yunho’s. Mingi was controlling the kiss, with every tongue stroke against his, every nibble on his lower lip. Yunho felt now that Mingi was hard too, their erections straining against each other deliciously.
Yunho let out a noise which sounded something between a groan and whine. His arms were still around Mingi’s neck, now his fingers buried in Mingi’s hair, trying to hold onto something. One of Mingi’s hands found a way under his t-shirt, slowly caressing his stomach moving up, until he reached his nipple. He started to move his thumb around it, then took it between his fingers and pulled on it. Yunho broke the kiss, resting his head against the door.
“Ah, fuck, M-Mingi” Yunho stuttered, his body trembling from the pleasure. Mingi hummed, moving his mouth to Yunho’s exposed neck, scraping his teeth against his sensitive skin. His other hand was trailing down at the front of Yunho’s body, cupping his erection. Yunho felt Mingi’s hand now on his skin as he reached down under his pajamas and stroked him, his skin felt like it was on fire where he touched him. Mingi started to move his hand, watching him to catch every reaction Yunho was making.
“Fuck, you are so wet,” Mingi groaned, moving his hand up and down on Yunho’s cock, pumping it. “Are you always this wet?”
Yunho felt himself flush - though he didn’t know how it was possible.
“Uh-uh, I-I don’t know…” he stuttered, clearly not capable of putting together a coherent sentence. Yunho couldn’t believe what was happening. Was this really happening?
Horrified, he could feel that he was close. He tensed his arms around Mingi’s neck, fingers pulling on his hair. He was moaning, Mingi caught his lips again in a sloppy kiss.
“I wanna fuck you so bad,” He heard Mingi groan, and then it was like something clicked in Yunho’s mind.
“St-op, stop,” Yunho groaned, his hips still instinctively pushing into Mingi’s fist, chasing his orgasm. He felt himself twitching, more precum dribbling down. Mingi lifted his head from Yunho’s neck, and blinked at him.
“Hm?” His grip loosened a little bit around Yunho’s cock, stroking it slowly.
“I said stop, get off me!” Yunho’s voice trembled, he removed his hands from around Mingi’s neck, and put them on his chest, pushing him away.
Mingi yanked his hand out of Yunho’s pants as if he was on fire, shock written all over his face.
“Okay, okay, I stopped,” He said, putting both of his hands up in front of him.
“Please go, just go,” Yunho babbled, with one hand gripping his hair, and trying to cover his still painful erection with the other. He was not looking at Mingi, and he was backing away towards the bathroom.
“Yunho, wait, what’s going on?” Mingi started, concern and confusion painted all over his face, stepping closer
“Are you fucking deaf? I said go!” Yunho snapped. turning his back on Mingi, almost running to the bathroom and locking the door behind him. He didn’t see the hurt on Mingi’s face.
As he heard the lock snap behind him, Yunho’s face crumpled. He slid down, his back against the door. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, tears slowly rolling down his face. He was sitting, knees pulled close to his chest, hands in his hair, grabbing it so painfully, pulling it. Heavy sobs wrecked through his body, and even now he was trying not to make noise. Somewhere far away, he could hear Mingi’s voice, behind the door.
It was the kind of crying that feels like your heart is being pulled out of your chest, and you can’t stop it. He tried to catch his breath, he felt nauseous.
He couldn’t believe what he had done. He couldn’t believe he lost control. With Mingi.
He couldn’t believe that it felt so good, so right. That he wanted to continue.
He felt his stomach roll, and he had just enough time to scramble to the toilet to puke. He felt his dinner coming up, he felt the waves coming over him. He remained hunched over for a few minutes, heaving, tears coming from his eyes - he couldn’t tell that he was still crying or it was from the vomiting.
After a while Yunho felt his stomach calm down, he sat back on his feet, shaking. He felt exhausted, feeling that any energy he had left after practice was leaving him. White noise ringing his ears, his mind running thousand miles per hour, yet he felt strangely blank somehow. Shakily, he sat, back against the door again, now his head lowered down, face pressed against his pulled up knees, hands against the back of his neck, lightly touching his hair.
He couldn’t believe he felt anxious after practice, this was a hundred times worse. It felt like this couldn’t be undone. Irreversible. He could feel new tears forming in his eyes, burning.
There came the guilt, and he welcomed it as an old friend. He felt comforted by it, because this was a feeling he knew intimately. It was his fault that this happened. Because of his desires, because he was what he was.
Yunho sat there, his body slightly shaking from the vomiting and exhaustion, he could feel the coldness of the tiles seeping through his pants. He repeated the day’s events in his mind, what he could have done to avoid this. It was painful to see that there were so many moments where he could have just stopped. By not looking at Mingi, not letting him get close to him, not letting him in at night, not kissing him.
But he did and now he had to live with the consequences, unsure whether he was strong enough to.