Archive of Our Own ^beta

They say you see your whole life flash before your eyes like a movie when you die, then you see some kind of light and it’s over.

Well, Touya does see the bright light but it’s not— it really isn’t what he expected dying (for real this time) to be like.

He’s—back home. As he opens his eyes, he looks around and yep, that’s the Todoroki estate, just as he remembers. He’s standing exactly where he used to play kickball with Fuyumi and Natsu. He looks up, and he sees the corridor he would watch his father drag Shouto along everyday. He still remembers them locking eyes once, Shouto had that stupid hopeful glimmer in his eyes, as he begged Endeavor to let him play with them. Of course, it never happened, and then not much later on, Touya experienced his first death, and never saw them again for a long time. 

There were many instances in his life where Touya wondered what would’ve happened if father had let Shouto come down and play with them just once. He never really dwelled on it enough to come up with an answer, because even now, he still doesn’t know. He hated Shouto back then, but he knows better now. He was just—well, fuck it. It doesn’t really matter anymore. He’s dead, and things are what they are. He doesn’t feel as strongly about shit anymore, he guesses that there’s no use in holding grudges in the afterlife.

He turns around as he feels a presence, and there’s a middle-aged woman dressed in white, with a faint, ethereal glow surrounding her. Touya squints at her suspiciously.

“Hello, Touya, how are you?”

-

Shouto sniffles, rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands, scrubbing his face as he hears soft raps on his door. He considers ignoring whoever that is, curling in on himself in his futon, but the person on the other side doesn’t show any signs of giving up, so he has to put in some effort to pull himself up and drag his feet to answer the door. He feels exhausted just doing that.

“Hey.” It’s Katsuki, he looks at him with concern as Shouto takes a step to the side to let him in.

“Hi.” It’s all he can muster, walking back to his bed with Katsuki right on his heels. He plops onto his futon and hugs his knees close to his chest. He knows he looks miserable right now, but at least with Katsuki he doesn’t feel the need to be positive and pretend he’s fine.

“Are you alright?” Katsuki asks, then winces at himself as Shouto just shrugs quietly. “Fuck, obviously you’re not alright, I’m a fucking dumbass. Uh, have you eaten at least?”

Shouto shakes his head. He’s not hungry. He’s not feeling much of anything, it’s like he’s numb.

“I’m not really hungry.”

Katsuki frowns, but thankfully doesn’t start to argue, and Shouto is glad for it. He doesn’t think he has the energy for any bickering at the moment. He wants to lie down and sleep, it’s the only thing that sounds good right now.

“Uh, how was the funeral?” Katsuki asks as softly as he can, sounding slightly wary. “If you wanna talk about it, that is, if you don’t, that’s fine, too.”

“I don’t… really know.” Shouto says sincerely. “I felt… numb as I was standing there. I think I am still feeling numb about it all.” 

“That’s fair.” Katsuki offers.

“I could barely stand when my father started crying as he was talking about him.” Shouto starts saying after a moment of silence. “I can’t help but feel like even then, he was making it about him. Am I being unfair?”

Katsuki shakes his head.

“Your old man is an asshole, of course you’re not being unfair.”

Shouto huffs at Katsuki’s honesty. 

“They asked if we had any last words, Natsuo, Fuyumi and mom said their words, but I just… I just froze. What would I even tell him?”

“You’re being too hard on yourself, it’s fine that you didn’t know what to say, given the circumstances.”

Shouto doesn’t mean to, but he just gives Katsuki a look. 

“It’s not that I didn’t have anything to say, there are many things I would like to tell him and many things I would’ve liked to ask, but it doesn’t matter anymore. He couldn’t make it and part of it was my fault.”

“Don’t say that, Shou,” Katsuki says uncharacteristically quietly. “You know it’s not your fault.”

“Do I?”

Katsuki doesn’t try to convince him, he just wordlessly crawls over to his side to sit next to him, carefully slipping his arm over his shoulders to bring him close.

“You should rest a bit,” Katsuki mutters. “Maybe later when the common area is cleared, I’ll go there with you so you can try to eat something, or I can make you something and bring it here. Whatever you like.”

Shouto snuggles up to him and lays his head on his shoulder, as he sniffles softly, not bothering to provide any answers. He’s just glad he doesn’t have to go through this alone.

His relationship with Katsuki is a fairly new development, even though his feelings for him probably aren’t. They started to hook up shortly after the war, right before their second year started, but for a while they hadn’t really established what they were. They just knew they could take each other on, with all their pent up aggression, and all their frustrations, and it was a good outlet for both of them. Sparring sessions turned into heated make out sessions, and late night visits when neither of them could sleep.

It didn’t take long for it to evolve and become much more than that though. Of course, he’d always known Katsuki was all bark and no bite, he cared deeply, even though he pretended he didn’t, but Shouto didn’t really expect him to be such a comforting presence, always there for him when he needed it the most. Shouto will probably never admit it out loud, but he’s been in desperate need of some comfort and some company for so long. 

He got so used to Katsuki’s presence, the firmness of his body pressed to his side, and his strong arms cradling him. He makes him feel so, so safe. There was never a chance in hell that he wouldn’t fall for the blond. 

Then at some point they admitted what they had was definitely not just physical and he got to call Katsuki his boyfriend officially.

He’s glad that he’s here now, after everything. He’s glad that he knows when to keep quiet, and not ask questions, or pressure him. He stays with him and just lets him be, and sometimes that’s all he needs. Right now, that’s what he needs.

“Do you need anything?” Katsuki asks after a while. Shouto shakes his head, nuzzling at him.

“Just you,” he whispers.

“Alright.” It’s all he says, and then they rearrange themselves onto the futon. Shouto finds himself drifting off in Katsuki’s arms, his mind quiet for once since he got back from Touya’s funeral.

-

Touya reaches up to pick at the staples in his cheek, just to realize there are no staples there anymore. His eyes grow wide as he touches his face with both hands, and looks down at his chest and arms, he hadn’t realized that neither the staples nor the skin grafts were there anymore. This feels a lot like the first time he woke up from his coma and realized he wasn’t thirteen anymore but suddenly sixteen, and three years of his life were just gone. Damn, his head is spinning right now. 

“Who the fuck are you and how the hell do you know my name? Where the fuck am I?” He bombards the woman with questions, none too gently.

Now that he’s taken a better look at her, she kind of looks like his mother, all pale and too fucking frail. She even smiles like Rei, if he remembers correctly from the rare occasions he has actually seen his mother smile.

It’s weird how the weather in this place seems to shift with his mood, it was sunny when he got here, but now he looks up at the sky and it’s all cloudy and gray. Perhaps this is the lot in hell where he’s supposed to rot in. It’s fitting, doomed to be back at home, alone. Almost makes him wish the old man is coming down soon. 

Nah, that lost its glamour, he doesn’t really want that anymore. 

“Where do you think you are?” The woman says calmly, making Touya frown.

“Listen, lady, I don’t really feel like playing guessing games right now.” He summons his quirk as he used to do when he wanted to look intimidating, but for the first time, he doesn’t feel like his flames hurt him, and it’s not because he’s numb, they just simply don’t affect him here. The woman chuckles softly, nodding as if in understanding. It makes him mad, and usually, he wouldn’t tolerate this shit any longer, but something tells him that his quirk would be useless against this bitch, so he begrudgingly puts out his flames and waits.

“Of course, that’s fair,” she starts. “This is always confusing to most people. Well, I’m a reaper, we call this the in-between.”

“A reaper?!” He exclaims. “Weren’t you supposed to be a skeleton or something?”

“Would you rather I showed you my true form?” There’s a hint of playfulness in her otherwise soft tone.

“What, you gonna say I can’t handle it?” He snarks. “I’ve seen worse, you know. You’re probably no worse than a noumu.”

“Perhaps you’re right, but it gets overwhelming and humans usually can’t handle it.” She actually chuckles this time. “So we like to avoid any more unnecessary trauma in the afterlife, life has been traumatizing enough to most of you.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.” Touya scoffs. “Okay, so you telling me I’m not going straight to hell?! How?! You know I killed people, right? A lot of people?”

“Oh, child, bless your tortured heart.” The woman takes a few steps forward and places a chilly hand over Touya’s face. He wants to push her away and pull back, but somehow he finds himself pinned into place, leaning into this… creature’s touch. How long has it been since anyone has touched him like that? “Do you really think you deserve hell?”

He stumbles back as he takes a moment to recompose himself, and she doesn’t even flinch.

“If you are who you say you are and know who I am, then you fucking know everything I did.” He sneers. 

“It seems like you’re getting one last chance to make something right, so you can go to a better place where you can rest.” She explains, at least her tone indicates she’s explaining something but honestly Touya is getting more lost by the second. “Doesn’t that sound nice?”

It sounds like a fucking ambush, that’s what it sounds like.

“A chance to do what?!” He barks. “Dude, just let me fucking die already, I’m tired, I don’t want to make anything right anymore. I thought I was just going to slide down and, you know, face eternal damnation, or something.”

The woman studies him for a moment.

“Ever considered you could’ve been wrong?”

“Hardly.”

“Well, you have … unfinished business, Touya, there’s something you have to deal with before you go.” She says. “Does this place ring a bell?”

He looks around, then lets out a bitter laugh. 

“Not really.” He says stubbornly. It does ring a few bells, but none of it matters anymore. 

“It’s not random, you know?” The woman’s gaze darts around as well. “The place you first land after you die.” 

“Hah, unfinished business, you say.” He mumbles bitterly. “My whole life has been one huge ‘unfinished business’, Mrs. Reaper, I haven’t accomplished anything I ever wanted.”

“I know.” She nods. “Life hasn’t been kind to you.” 

“Yeah, and apparently fucking death isn’t either, if I can’t even just fucking go already.”

“In time, you’ll understand, Touya.” He rolls his eyes at that. “This is your chance to save your soul.”

“Understand what? You’re not making any fucking sense.”

“Well, our time here is almost up, are you ready?” She asks, instead of answering any of his questions.

“You’re not even going to tell me what the fuck I need to do?”

The woman shakes her head ruefully.

“Unfortunately, that’s for you to find out.”

“Fucking great.” He grumbles. “What if I don’t want this stupid chance? Do I even get a say in this since it’s my fucking soul?”

“It’s not your decision to make. There are rules above that we all must follow.”

“How am I even going to finish anything, if I have no idea what am I even supposed to do?” He argues. “Really, just fucking send to me hell, I don’t care.”

“The only piece of advice I can give you is this: listen to your heart and you’ll be lead exactly where you need to be, and it’ll guide you through what you need to do.” She says. “You just have to be true to yourself.”

“Are you even listening to me, you fucking hag.”

“Oh, also, a snap of your fingers goes a long way.” She winks, ignoring all of his protests. “You’ll meet me back here once your task is complete.”

Before he can protest some more, the reaper snaps her fingers and he feels a strong pull that if he was alive would’ve probably made him queasy, and he’s zapped to—

“This okay?” 

“Mm-hm.”

The blond kid they kidnapped that one time (Bakugou, was it?) is leaning on top of… Shouto?! Hands are timidly sliding over each other until Bakugou has one of his hands on Shouto’s thigh, and Shouto has one of his hands in his hair, and they look very into it as they kiss.

“Whoa, what the fuck?” Touya exclaims loudly as Bakugou’s hand slides up to Shouto’s ass, ‘cause what the actual fuck is he doing here in Shouto’s UA dorm room watching him make out with his… boyfriend? What is that stupid reaper playing at? 

Shouto’s eyes land on him as Touya shouts, and he shouts back in horror, throwing the blond kid off of him and scrambling away. Touya can’t help himself, he barks out a laugh because the way the other kid looks completely dumbfounded is actually quite funny. 

Heh, this could be entertaining.

“What the fuck, Halfie? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Bakugou says, warily reaching for him, but Shouto is still looking in Touya’s direction. 

Touya snorts.

“Oof, good guess,” he says, and Shouto looks absolutely frightened.

Well, that’s interesting. So he can actually see him, but as the blond follows his gaze, looking behind him, it doesn’t look like he can. Is it only Shouto then?

Okay, this is getting weird now. A few things cross Touya’s mind and he hates all of the theories he’s coming up with, so he shakes off all of these thoughts. No, all of it just sounds preposterous.

“Did I do something?” Bakugou asks him.

Touya looks back at Shouto, who shakes his head as he looks back at Bakugou, looking more than a little shaken. 

“What? No, no! I just thought I saw-” He throws another glance in Touya’s direction and then looks away, like he’s determined to avoid that corner. “Nevermind. I think I’m actually more tired than I realized from the funeral yesterday, I’m- I’m sorry, okay?”

Oh, so it’s been a day since the funeral, Touya realizes. Apparently, time is different up there and down here. 

Bakugou actually scoots closer to him and holds his face very tenderly. Touya watches the little interaction between them, and this doesn’t even look like the feisty kid that had blasted Shigaraki’s face that one time and confidently thought he could take on the entire League by himself. He didn’t know he could be gentle like this.

“Hey, it’s okay, Shou, I was just confused ‘cause that was very sudden, and you looked terrified.” Bakugou tells him. “I was afraid I did something you didn’t like.”

Shouto nods at him, kind of melting under his touch as Bakugou hugs him, kissing his forehead. 

“I think I need some time alone.” Shouto says dejectedly. “I’m sorry.”

“No, shut up, don’t apologize.” Bakugou says, and although his attitude is brazen, he does sound understanding. “I understand if you need to be alone. I’ll give you all the time in the world.” 

Touya can tell Shouto’s now avoiding looking in the direction where he’s standing. It’s kind of funny, you know, maybe in a morbid way, a really sick joke.

“Alright, just text me if you need anything, ‘kay?”

Shouto just nods. 

“I fucking mean it, Icyhot, don’t hesitate, alright?”

“Yes, thank you, Katsuki.”

The blond kid leaves, and Shouto finally jumps off the bed and turns on the light, staring at Touya almost like he’s upset he didn’t just vanish with the light. What the fuck does he think this is? A movie? 

“I must be losing it, yeah, that’s it, I’m cracking.” He says like he’s talking to himself, even though he’s looking at Touya. He does sound a little off his hinges.

“I don’t think you are, dude.” Touya says, and once again, Shouto’s eyes widen like he wasn’t expecting him to talk.

“No, no, no. You’re dead! You’re not real! I’m probably just really stressed out and I’m seeing things. This isn’t happening.” 

Touya scoffs, crossing his arms.

“If that’s what you wanna tell yourself, go ahead, little brother, I’m fine with it.”

“Why are you responding?!”

“Well, you’re talking to me!” Touya makes a dramatic gesture, looking offended.

“No, no, no, I’m not doing this. I’m tired, I just need to rest and you’ll be gone! You’re just in my head, that’s it!” 

Shouto runs back to his futon, tucking himself in and covering his head with the covers. Touya sighs and something occurs to him, like a feeling or fucking intuition, so he snaps his fingers as the reaper said and just like that he’s zapped somewhere else. 

An aquarium. Ah, yes, he’s been there before, he liked to go to that place to think whenever he wanted to be left alone, or when things got too hectic. It felt peaceful. Huh. Perhaps that woman wasn’t as full of shit as he thought.

He stares at a blue fish that seems to stare back at him with its gaping mouth.

“So you can see me too, huh?” He taps at the glass, realizing he can actually touch it. He was kind of expecting he wouldn’t be able to do that. 

-

Shouto’s mood was awful that morning. He was running on three hours of sleep or less, and he was still disturbed with whatever he saw last night, but when he pushed the covers off his head and looked around, Touya wasn’t there anymore, which further proves the point that he was, in fact, seeing things. 

Which is… really fucking bad, knowing that his family, at least on his mother’s side, has a record of mental illnesses and the predisposition for psychosis is very much there. He can’t let himself crash out like that, he has to get a grip before he ends up like… No. Don’t even think about that.  

As he’s lost in his thoughts, he ends up not noticing his surroundings. He jumps two steps back, startled, as someone touches his elbow in the hallway on the way to class. Shouto accidentally shoots a trail of ice in the person’s direction before he can even look up, and see who it is.

“I’m sorry!” He immediately says, finally looking up to see Iida looking at him with concern. Thankful he dodged his impromptu attack before it could reach him.

“Todoroki, is everything alright?” 

Shouto nods. 

“I’m fin-”

“The fuck you are.” Katsuki seems to appear out of nowhere by his side, and once again he jumps, placing a hand over his chest, feeling his heart thumping. At least he didn’t activate his quirk this time.

“Don’t sneak up on me like that!” He says grumpily, turning to look at his boyfriend. 

“The fuck you’re all jumpy for?” Katsuki asks. “You’re acting weird ever since last night.”

Iida is still there too, waiting for him to say something, and the pressure of them both looking at him expectantly feels like it’s crushing him. Still, he has to get it together, or they’ll start thinking he’s crazy.

“Don’t worry about me, I’m fine, really.” He says, and starts to walk back to the classroom without waiting for them to say anything else. He knows Katsuki isn’t buying it, and to be honest, even Iida probably hasn’t, but he knows he’s too polite to insist, and even though Katsuki doesn’t like it when he doesn’t talk, he’ll respect his space. 

Concentrating on his classes was nearly impossible that day. He could barely listen to what Present Mic was teaching, and tuning him out is actually some feat considering how loud that man can get. It was only downhill from there, he got his ass kicked by Shinsou at combat training class because his mind was all over the place, and he couldn’t bring himself to just focus. Well, but at least it was peaceful for a second once his quirk got a hold of his mind, so he’s not too resentful about losing. Katsuki seemed to care about it a lot more than he did.

All day his mind just kept going back to what he saw last night. Touya, in his room. Actually Touya and not… Dabi, if that makes sense. He didn’t have his scars, only the piercings in his ears and nose, which was just a cruel choice of his subconscious to torture him with. Of course he could count on his own stupid mind to come up with the image of what his deceased estranged brother could’ve looked like if their family wasn’t fucked. 

He wants to forget about it because it hurts when he thinks too hard. Last night, he almost wanted to embrace that madness and talk to him like he was really there, but he couldn’t do that. He doesn’t even know what he would say anyway. The only thing he knows about Touya is that he was his brother and that they shared a fondness for soba. In the end, he never got to share a bowl with him. He planned on taking one to the hospital and eating it there as they talked, he would try to ask his father to give them some privacy, even though that would’ve been difficult, since Enji monopolized all of Touya’s time until his last breath. Unfortunately, he passed away before he could execute that plan, and that’s something Shouto will have to live with. Nothing ever goes according to his plans, he should be used to that by now.

Shouto thought things that day couldn’t get any worse, as he headed to their study hall at the library. He was finally starting to regain his focus a little bit at least as he read through Midoriya’s notes for the classes he “missed” this morning even though he was present. Well, his body was there, but his mind absolutely took off. Midoriya’s quiet mumbling at his side was a comforting background humming noise and Katsuki’s attempts to keep his death threats at a low enough volume to not be kicked out of there were also entertaining enough that he thought he would be able to wind down a bit. He was so grateful for his friends, he truly didn’t know where he would be without them.

However, suddenly, with a soundless poof , Touya is sitting across the table. He lifts a hand and fucking waves.

“Hey.” 

Shouto didn’t mean to yell and reel back in his chair so abruptly that he ended up with his ass on the floor, with everyone around looking at him like he had grown another head. 

“Dude, you gotta stop doing that every time I show up.” His hallucination looks at him pitifully.

“Todoroki, are you alright?” Midoriya beats Katsuki to it and helps him up, receiving a death glare from the blond, who quickly slaps Midoriya’s hands off of him. He would have found that amusing if he wasn’t about to lose his mind at the moment.

“What the fuck was that, Icyhot?”

He’s still looking at where his hallucination of Touya is sitting, as he puts his hands up, smiling sardonically at him, as he says, “Oops, sorry.”

Shouto shakes his head and screws his eyes shut, willing that trick of his mind to just go away. He counts to ten in his head as he presses at some pressure point in his hand that’s supposed to calm him down, hoping it will be like the night before, and he will be gone as he opens his eyes, but as he cracks only one eye open, he’s still there.  

“You’re not going mad,” Touya says, and almost, almost sounds like he’s trying to reassure him. “I’m right here. As fucking crazy as that is.”

“Hey, fuckers, go back to your work, there’s nothing to see here!” He hears Katsuki yell at the people that are staring, and he’s so glad for him.

“I’ll take him outside,” Katsuki tells Midoriya, and Shouto lets himself get dragged away until they are outside the library. Katsuki is squeezing each side of his arms, and the slightly rough grip helps ground himself a little bit, as he refocuses his eyes and stares at ruby red ones.

“What’s happening?” Katsuki asks, Shouto can tell that even though he’s distressed, he’s trying to soften his tone for his sake. “Is that a panic attack or something? You gotta talk to me.”

“I-” Shouto opens his mouth, tries to speak what’s on his mind, but nothing comes out, his tongue feels heavy and foreign, so he closes it again. He thinks, and thinks, but he can’t find a way to talk about it without sounding crazy , he has no clue what he’s supposed to say. 

He’s grieving, that’s what he knows, and now his mind is playing tricks on him, making him hallucinate and see his dead brother everywhere. That’s not something you can just talk about easily. He knows Katsuki wouldn’t judge him, obviously, but the thought of saying anything is still jarring.

So he doesn’t, he just shakes his head, closing his eyes and trying to breathe. He realizes he’s shaking and he tries to get that under control as well.

“I’m alright, it’s just stress.” He says as he opens his eyes again. Katsuki looks frustrated, with damn good reason, but right now that’s all he can offer him.

“I’m sorry,” he adds, as if it would make it better. “I know I’m acting weird, it’s just- with everything that’s happened, I’m still processing a lot of things, and I think my mind is just… not in the best of places right now. I’m feeling… very confused. That’s it.”

Katsuki frowns, but he still takes a step forward and pulls him in for a hug. Shouto wastes no time hugging him back. This might be Shouto’s favorite place to be at in any circumstance, inside Katsuki’s arms. Safesafesafe. 

“Stupid pretty boy,” Katsuki mumbles. “I just want you to know you can count on me, or whatever.”

“Yes, I know,” he says, inhaling his scent with his nose buried on his shoulder, making good use of those few extra inches he has on him. “Thank you for that, and I’m sorry.”

“I’m gonna blast your stupid pretty face if you keep apologizing.”

That makes Shouto chuckle a bit, but it’s short-lived, as he glances up, still holding onto Katsuki, and Touya is right behind him, staring at him with those bright azure eyes that have been in his dreams far too many nights. He buries his face back into Katsuki’s shoulder, and squeezes his eyes shut, tightening his grip, as he feels Katsuki also hold him closer and tighter, willing his brother’s hallucination to go away.

This time, when he looks again, he’s no longer there.

-

It’s a new morning, Shouto is feeling antsy, but he’s just trying to concentrate on his task. It’s Aizawa’s class and they’re working on an assignment, so the whole class is dead silent, no one wants to fail a subject in their third year, so everyone has been working extra hard.  

Then, it happens. Touya pops up like he did the other time, as if he’s acquired a new teleport quirk.

“Please don’t scream.” Is the first thing he says.

Shouto thinks it’s not as bad this time, he’s just trying to figure out if something triggers these visions or if they are just random. Perhaps he should get his head checked as Katsuki keeps suggesting, even if when he says it, it’s not supposed to be serious, but he’s starting to think he might have a point. 

He still jumps and drops his pen, as his heart jumps to his throat, promptly earning a death glare from his teacher, as his classmate’s turn to look. He mumbles an apology and goes back to work, after throwing a glance at Katsuki, who’s glaring at him. He tries to offer him a reassuring nod before looking back down. He’s just figured that if he ignores whatever he’s seeing, maybe it will go away faster, so he tries to do that. It’s not real anyway. 

“Watcha doing over there?” Touya asks, and he almost snaps his pencil in half as he tightens his grip. “Come on, Shouto, entertain your big brother for a second.”

Shouto grinds his teeth and sets his jaw so hard it almost snaps. 

“You’re not real.” He mutters through gritted teeth, as quiet as he possibly can not to attract any attention, but he can still feel Momo’s eyes on him.

He glares at his desk, trying to focus on his paper, but the words aren’t making any sense, it’s like his mind is scrambled and he’s being forced to read in a foreign language he’s never seen before. He’s making a point to not look up as he hears a sigh and some movement, as the pencil case is snatched from his desk and hits the floor, scattering everything that was inside, unfortunately drawing more attention to himself. 

“I’m fucking real!” Touya snaps as Shouto looks up with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open. “Do you believe me now?”

“Todoroki, is there a problem over there?” Aizawa is now standing as Shouto quickly scrambles to clean up the mess. 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Aizawa, will you excuse me for a second?” he says hurriedly. “I’m not feeling very well.”

Aizawa’s eyebrow twitches in annoyance, he sighs deeply and only gestures with his head to excuse him. Shouto shoves past Touya, and he’s once again horrified that he was able to actually physically touch him to push him out of the way. There was no warmth, but there was definitely matter. This has to be a whole new level of insanity.

As he reaches the bathroom, he waits for the people inside to leave and hurries to the sink, loosening his tie before he splashes water over his face, looking up to the mirror. He looks like shit, his hair is disheveled and his eyes are sunken because he hasn’t slept well in a few nights, and everything just doesn’t make any sense anymore.

He stumbles backwards when he looks to the side, and Touya is leaning against the wall, with his arms crossed. His reflection doesn’t show in the mirror. Shouto looks around to see if there’s anyone nearby, then takes a deep breath and looks back at his brother.

“Are you really here?” He asks quietly.

“Seems like it.” Touya shrugs. 

“Why?” He asks, and Touya snorts.

“Fuck if I know,” he says. “Haunting you beats being dead, I guess.” 

Shouto doesn’t laugh with him, because even if he’s hypothetically considering this madness to be true, that is the worst sort of punishment he could think of. He wonders if that’s what this is, punishment for being partially responsible for his death, even if everyone says none of it was his fault. Shouto knows better, he just doesn’t like to argue because he knows what people will say. It was all his father. There was a time he believed it, when he was little. He’s not little anymore, he understands the weight of actions. He was the one fighting Touya in that field, not their father. It was his move he copied. Phosphor, the move he thought he was designing to save him, just for a negative of it to help kill him in the end. He doesn’t think there’s ever going to be a day for the rest of his life where he doesn’t feel guilty about it. 

“Geez, I can hear you thinking, just cut it out.” Touya cuts through his racing thoughts, and he blinks a few times, snapping his attention back to him. “Listen, I don’t fucking know, alright? I was just ready to die, man.”

“I’m sorry,” Shouto says, he doesn’t even know what he’s apologizing for. Touya rolls his eyes, but before he can say something, the door for the bathroom barges open, they both look at the same time as Katsuki stomps over to Shouto.

“Oi, Icyhot, what the fuck is going on?”

“Katsuki, what are you doing here?” He blinks, and Katsuki scowls.

“Aizawa sent me after you since you were taking forever to come back, I guess he’s worried or something.”

Through the corner of his vision, Shouto sees Touya snap his fingers and disappear. 

“Sorry,” he says to Katsuki. “I’m alright.”

“You keep saying that.” Katsuki’s tone is softer, he looks worried, too. Shouto doesn’t like that people are all acting concerned around him ever since his brother died. He doesn’t even think he deserves it, and he just hates to give people trouble.

“You don’t have to worry, I’m serious.”

Katsuki sighs, but doesn’t argue, he just steps closer and grabs his hand, squeezing it a bit.

“Come on, asshole, let’s get back to class.” Even with the name calling, he sounds fond, and Shouto feels the tension from his shoulders ease a little. 

“I love you.” Shouto blurts out as they are walking back to class and immediately realizes what he’s done. 

They hadn’t said it to each other yet, and he was going to hold off for as long as possible, because he didn’t want to scare Katsuki off, but his mind is all over the place these days and it just simply escaped. He was just feeling so safe and cared for, it slipped. 

Katsuki tenses up, as he stops in his tracks, and Shouto feels his hand dampen with sweat almost instantly. He thinks absentmindedly that at least he’s holding his right hand, so the chances of a major tragedy accidentally happening are slim.

He’s worried though, because he’s not saying anything, and it’s making him anxious and afraid he fucked everything up. He’s thinking of how to turn this around and fix it, when Katsuki turns to him, he’s never seen his face redder, but he determinedly grabs Shouto’s face with his other hand, squeezing it until his lips are puckered.

“You can’t just say shit like that, stupid Icyhot.” He grumbles, kissing him roughly. Shouto melts into it anyway, because it’s perfect.

Katsuki pulls back and turns his face away, tugging at the hand he’s still holding. 

“I love you too…” He mumbles almost unintelligibly, but Shouto still hears it and it makes him smile as he looks at his boyfriend’s red ears as he drags him back to class.

-

Touya already knows that Shouto can see him, but other people can’t. Deep down, he thinks he knows why, but still, he has to test his theory. It’s probably not a very good idea, and he might get upset, but he has to know.

He closes his eyes and envisions the person he wants to see, snapping his fingers.

He opens his eyes to a white room, Natsuo is wearing a lab coat and he’s typing something on his laptop as he suddenly stops.

“Why has it gotten chilly all of a sudden?” He says to himself, but Touya still has hope, because he just hasn’t looked up yet. He reaches for the aircon controller and finally, finally he looks up in Touya’s direction. 

“Natsu.”

Nothing happens, it’s like he’s looking past him. No startled reaction like Shouto had, nothing. He turns up the air conditioner and goes back to his typing, until there’s a knock on the door. Touya and Natsuo look in the same direction as a head pokes inside.

“Fuyumi!” Touya shouts, still hoping that maybe, just maybe she would be able to see him, but she lets herself inside, as she smiles at Natsuo. He gets up and slides past him as he walks up to her.

“Sis!” Natsuo says. “What brings you here?”

“I was just passing by and thought I would drop by to say hi,” she says, after they pull back from their hug.

“So neither of you can see me, huh?” Touya says.

“Oh my gosh, it’s quite chilly in here, isn’t it?”

“Right?” Natsuo says. “I think the aircon is broken, I’ll have someone take a look at it later.”

“Do you wanna go grab some lunch?” Fuyumi asks.

“Yeah, sure! Just let me finish filling out this form first, I was almost done!”

“Sure, take your time, I’m not in a hurry!” She sits down to wait, and Touya watches them for a while longer, the easy conversation they hold. They look fine. Touya wants to feel bitter about it because they are fine, making plans together and living while he died like what? A week ago? 

He could start knocking objects on the floor just to terrorize them a bit, and maybe there was a time he would, but right now the sentiment just isn’t there. He almost feels glad that they’ve been able to get back on their feet. The problem was never his siblings, he was just so blind by the hatred he felt for his father, and so hurt, that he couldn’t see them anymore.

He had enough time to think for the brief time he had spent in that tank. He listened to their side and even though it was a little bit unfair that each day he could talk even less, he got to understand them better. He got to apologize to Natsuo for almost getting him killed, so there wasn’t anything left unsaid between them really. 

He realizes there are no grudges he’s holding onto regarding them at least. He wants them to move on with their lives and live happily.

Touya spends time with them the way he can, he follows them through lunch and listens to their conversations. Neither o of them ever mention their father, not even once. As they go their separate ways, Touya lets them go, too, and heads in another direction, sitting down on a bench to think, even though he doesn’t feel tired, but it’s just a thing that makes him feel slightly tethered to his humanity, makes him feel like he is still a person, and not some supernatural being roaming around aimlessly.

He still wants to test something else, because he’s stubborn and maybe Fuyumi and Natsuo couldn’t see him because they didn’t need to. 

It’s weird that even as a spirit, Touya can still feel emotions, actually, he feels them more clearly than he did in forever. Right now, he’s feeling nervous as he thinks of where he wants to go next, and he hesitates as he gets his fingers ready for the snap. He knows he needs to do this, but it’s hard. He’s made up his mind though, so he gets over himself and just snaps his fingers and obviously, this is the room he would be at. 

He sees the back of his father’s head sitting on his wheelchair, his mother is nowhere to be seen, but of course she wouldn’t be here. Touya looks at the picture at his altar, and scoffs as he notices it has been updated to the most recent one they could get, with his staples and scars, and shit. He’s slightly offended that that’s not even a good photo of him, but whatever. A part of him hopes it hurts to look at it. 

He already knows, but he still takes a few steps and stands right in front of his picture, facing his father. He looks awful, he’s lost so much weight, his hair is unruly, face is unshaved and his eyes look dead. It’s a really pitiful look for someone Touya once regarded as the strongest man he knew. 

“You still can’t see me, huh.” He says, leaning closer to Enji’s face and looking him in the eyes. 

He steps back, and turns around, staring at his stupid picture at the altar. He knows this is probably the opposite of making amends for his damn dirty soul so he can get his ticket to heaven, or whatever, but he can’t help it. A small part of him still craves to be noticed and acknowledged.

He glances back at his father, and back at the frame, and then he reaches for it with his arm and like a mischievous cat, he pushes it off the edge of the shelf, watching as the portrait falls in slow motion and hits the floor, the glass shatters in a million pieces as it lands. Of course Enji startles, eyes bugged in shock as he pathetically calls for Rei, as he tries to reach for the object on the floor but can’t.

Touya turns around and sighs, as his mother comes running at his father’s call. For some reason, his mind goes back to Shouto when he sees the sickening interaction between the two of them, as Rei asks what happened with pure concern. He wonders what Shouto thinks of it, if he ever comes here to visit, or if he’s chosen to distance himself from them because these two are beyond saving. He probably hasn’t given up on them yet though. From the little he’s come to know about him, he definitely hasn’t. 

Either way, some of his doubts had been answered. Shouto is the only one who can see him, whatever that entails. With a sigh, he throws one last glance at his parents and snaps his fingers, leaving them behind for good.

Touya believes he’s earned the right to a bit of mischief, as he stands in the middle of a penthouse. It can’t hurt to visit an old “friend”. 

“Fancy, aren’t we?” He mutters to himself, as he starts walking around, until he stops in his tracks right in front of the owner of the house—Hawks. He’s fresh out of the shower, and has a white, fluffy towel secured around his hips, as he dries his hair with another one, whistling to himself like a moron. 

Touya had mixed feelings about this guy since the beginning. It’s probably one of the reasons he’s here, because he really wanted to see how he’s doing after—well, everything. He’s pretty sure that in another life, they could’ve been friends, or even… fuck, he doesn’t even know. Something for sure. He entertained that thought once or twice, flirted for fun just to get him flustered many times but never came out of it. Never the right place or right time when your head is preoccupied with thoughts of revenge and mayhem.

Hawks looks fine, all things considered. Doesn’t have his wings anymore, but overall he looks fine. He has a good life, just like he always wanted. It feels a little unfair, and Touya feels an ugly, discomforting feeling rearing its head and spreading over his chest fast.

In this life, all that’s left is this lingering bitterness towards him, especially as his eyes catch a glimpse of a dumb worn-out Endeavor plushie sitting in a shelf like it’s some fucking prize. He owned maybe a dozen of those at home when they came out. Touya muses it would probably benefit him in this stupid soul journey that’s been forced upon him if he tried to understand Hawks, and his fucking reasons to love Endeavor the way he does.

(Touya loved him the same way once, Endeavor was his hero, too. It was never All Might for him.)

Seeing him now just makes him angry though. Maybe angrier than when he saw his father a moment ago and realized he couldn’t see him.  

Like a petty child, Touya lets his negative feelings speak louder and stalks over to the closest electronic he can reach, turning it on. Such a cheap ghost trick, but it makes him cackle as the blond stumbles back, startled, dropping the towel in his hand as he looks at the TV, confused as fuck.

“What the fuck?” He mutters under his breath.

“Stupid bird.” Touya snorts, as he walks over to the shelf and knocks over that fucking infuriating plushie. Keigo turns around, eyes wide, and Touya revels in that feeling the more scared he starts to look.

He reaches for another object, when suddenly he’s pulled out of there by a force that feels strong enough to rip him apart.

“Touya.”

It’s the reaper. They are both standing in some sort of sterile, empty room, it’s just white, white, white. The woman almost blends in with the background, and everything is so bright that it would make his eyes hurt if he could feel any physical pain. 

Shit. Had he fucked up?

“May I ask what were you doing?”

“Come on, lady, I was just having some fun. Isn’t that allowed?”

The woman doesn’t sound or look very amused.

“This is not the point of this, Touya.”

He rolls his eyes, and sneers.

“Well, it would be easier if you actually told me what is the fucking point of this then.”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Then what’s the point of you anyway?”

“I’m here to guide you, I’m not supposed to intervene, but I strongly believe you should have this chance,” she speaks so calmly it grates on his nerves. “Don’t waste it.”

“Just give me a fucking hint or something.”

He sees her smile, as she snaps her fingers without answering, and once again he finds himself in a place he’s getting familiar with, with a scene he’s not proud of being familiar with either. So much for a hint. 

-

Shouto sighs as Katsuki kisses his jaw before he captures his mouth once more, they’ve been at each other since they found an opportunity to escape to the dorms, lazily kissing and touching, and getting more and more worked up by the second. Both their ties and jackets lie in a heap on the floor, Shouto’s shirt is all unbuttoned, and Katsuki’s is only halfway there, but both their hands slide down to work in unison to undo each other’s pants. 

It’s been a while since they’ve done more than kissing. Shouto knows it’s partially his fault for feeling so miserable lately, but Katsuki has been nothing but understanding this whole time. He’s in the mood for it for the first time in a while now though, maybe because he told Katsuki he loves him and because he said it back, and that clearly sparked something between them, but what matters is that he’s really feeling it right now. 

“Is this okay?” Katsuki whispers in his ear, his hand shy away from his waistband. He hums, and nods perhaps a little too eager, bringing his hands up to feel his strong arms.

“Yeah, keep going,” he whispers back and bites his lip as Katsuki’s fingers slowly dip inside his underwear, wrapping around him. 

“I missed this,” Katsuki confesses, and Shouto lets out a little whine as the blond moves his hand. He’s about to reach down to start touching him too when Touya suddenly appears in the middle of his room. 

“Whoa, shit!” He exclaims, and Shouto really wanted to have less of a reaction when this happens, but he was still skeptical it was even true, and he always appears out of nowhere, it catches him off guard. He doesn’t really push Katsuki off of him this time, but he suddenly freezes and his boyfriend obviously notices the complete, abrupt change in his demeanor.

“Not again!” Shouto groans, as Katsuki pulls back, immediately wrenching his hand away from him, as he looks at him with confusion written all over his face.

“Shouto, seriously, we really need to talk.” Katsuki says, as he sits back, pulling his pants up and zipping them up. “Is there something you wanna tell me? ‘Cause lately you get all jumpy when we start getting more intimate, and if I’m doing something you hate, just fucking tell me.”

“Oopsies. My bad.” Touya puts his hands up, but the asshole is laughing. 

Shouto rolls his eyes, as he says to his brother without really thinking what it will look like, “Shut up.” 

Katsuki can’t see Touya, so his expression switches from confusion to anger, as he jumps to his feet.

“What the fuck did you say?” Katsuki starts to collect his clothes from the floor, clearly upset, as Shouto fixes his pants, and runs to his side, grabbing his arm to make him look at him.

“No, no, I’m sorry, I can explain! I wasn’t talking to you!” He says. 

“What the fuck are you saying, Half and half?”

“Please, Katsuki, you have to believe me, I—” Shouto trails off, suddenly second guessing himself. He doesn’t think he has a choice, he will have to tell him what has been going on, but he’s scared, Katuski will think he’s out of his mind.

His boyfriend glares at him, yanking his arm from his grasp and crossing his arms, as he waits for him to talk. Shouto is not looking at Touya, he has to figure this out, but first he needs to make sure he’s not going to ruin his relationship, that can’t happen. 

“I don’t get you, this morning you were saying that mushy bullshit to me but now you’re acting all weird. I get that a lot of shit happened and you’re upset as fuck, but I can’t help you if you’re not being honest with me.”

Shouto sighs, feeling his heart racing.

“No, I know, I’m sorry!” He says a little frantically before he tries to reel himself in and calm down a bit.

“Listen, I’m gonna tell you what’s been going on, but first you have to promise you will believe me regardless of what I tell you. Okay?”

Katsuki’s frown deepens.

“Wait, you’re gonna tell him?!” Touya asks, and Shouto doesn’t think before he fully turns to him and looks him in the eyes.

“I said shut up!”

Of course Katsuki looks horrified at that display, he probably looks insane right now.

“Fuck, should I call a doctor or something?” Katsuki says. “Who the fuck are you talking to? There’s no one there!”

Shouto braces himself, sucking in a breath and then exhaling. 

“Katsuki, you have to promise.”

“You’re fucking scaring me, Half and half.”

“Promise.” He insists. “Please.”

“Fuck, whatever!” Katsuki shouts. “I fucking promise. Spit it out already!”

Shouto takes a deep breath.

“I think I’m seeing my brother’s ghost.”

Katsuki blinks several times. He stares at him like he’s grown another head, completely dumbfounded. It doesn’t help that his brother is doubled over laughing hysterically.

Katsuki stares, and stares at him for the longest time, which is making him insanely nervous.

“You’re not serious, right?” He finally says, with a huff. “Is that a joke or something?”

“No! It’s the truth!” Shouto insists. “I thought I was going mad at first, but it’s actually, one hundred percent true!” 

Touya scoffs once he’s done with his fit of laughter.

“Man, doesn’t look like he believes you.”

“You know what, I better leave you alone for now, Half and half.” Katsuki says, slipping on his uniform jacket. “You’re clearly upset and I don’t think I can he—”

CRASH.

Katsuki turns around, startled and wide eyed, as a flower vase in Shouto’s room all but crashes onto the floor suddenly. There’s no way that vase could’ve fallen off on its own and Katsuki knows it. Shouto wipes at his face wearily, sighing as he looks at his brother standing by the side of the broken vase, grinning like a maniac. 

“Let’s see if he believes you now.” Touya says, looking like a cat proud of his own bad behavior. “You’re welcome, by the way.” 

Shouto once again sighs, rolling his eyes. Katsuki turns back to him, an even deeper frown set on his face.

“No fucking way.” He shakes his head. “Nah, that’s bullshit. Ghosts aren’t real.”

“You did say you’ve seen a glimpse of the afterlife when you… you know.” Shouto argues, gesturing vaguely as he refuses to say it out loud. “You even saw All Might’s vestige or something, that’s what you told me.” 

“I don’t know what I saw back then!” Katsuki counters. “And I was only half dead, not dead-dead when Edgeshot restarted my heart.”

“Well, either way, I’m not lying, he’s standing right there right now, by the way.” Shouto nods at Touya’s direction, who dumbly waves even though Katsuki can’t see him. 

“He’s waving at you,” Shouto informs him through gritted teeth.

“That’s insane.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.” Shouto says dryly, suddenly feeling tired.

“Wait, does that mean he just… What the fuck, is your brother a pervert or something?”

“Hey! I didn’t know you guys would be getting frisky when I showed up! It wasn’t on purpose!” Touya protests.

“Yet you did it twice…” Shouto deadpans, without thinking, and sighs when Katsuki looks at him like he’s insane. “He says he didn’t know he was gonna catch us… like that.”

“I think I’m having a stroke.” Katsuki says.

“Do you believe me?”

“I fucking guess!” Katsuki grumbles. “What the fuck.”

Shouto approaches him, ignoring his brother’s presence, placing his hands over his chest and smoothing out his blazer.

“I think I need to… talk to him and well… figure out what this is. There has to be an explanation.”

Katsuki looks pained as he looks back at him, but he still holds his face and gives him a light peck on the lips before he turns around and yells in the general direction Shouto said Touya was standing.

“Hey, asshole, I still haven’t forgotten that you kidnapped me. If you try anything funny, I’ll kick your ass, ghost or not.”

Touya scoffs and shakes his head.

“Pfft, he can’t even see me.” He says, looking at Shouto, who narrows his eyes at him. “Fine. Tell him it wasn’t personal, if that’ll make him feel better or whatever. I was just following Shigaraki’s orders.”

Shouto presses his lips in a tight line at that.

“What?” Katsuki says, as he turns back to Shouto. “Did he say something?”

Shouto sighs. Perhaps he would rather find out he was schizophrenic or something over this.

“He said it wasn’t personal.”

“Well, your brother is an asshole.” Katsuki grunts, pettily flipping him off.

“Yeah, I respect that.” Touya says, unaffected. Shouto contemplates throwing himself off of the balcony, but that probably wouldn’t do much more than give him some minor fractures.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Katsuki tells him, more composed this time. “If anything happens, I’ll be in my room.”

“Thank you, Katsuki. I love you.” Shouto leans in, and gives him another kiss. This time, Touya feigns gagging noises.

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Katsuki replies, grumpily. “See you later, Icyhot.”

“See you later,” he says before closing the door after Katsuki leaves.

He turns around, leaning against the wood, Touya is still there, but he’s silent now. Shouto looks at the mess on the floor, but he has no energy to deal with it right now. He sighs, as his brother keeps following him with his gaze. 

“Thanks for that, I guess.” Shouto says, referring to Touya’s little stunt.

“Well, you looked like you were about to cry because he didn’t wanna believe you.”

Shouto stays silent for a moment, before he speaks again. “So… you’re—here.”

“I thought we had already established that,” Touya answers sarcastically. 

“Do you know why?” 

“I already told you, I don’t fucking know.” He says, stepping over the vase he dropped to get closer, still staring at Shouto like he wants to defy him. It’s so unsettling for Shouto to look at him and see this version of his brother, the version that none of them had the opportunity to meet. A version that wasn’t allowed to exist.

“Is this—” Shouto closes his eyes for a moment, breathing shallowly, because he realizes he’s starting to feel suffocated, and it’s getting a little hard to inhale and exhale. 

“I thought you would rather see dad.” He says instead.

Touya turns away, his expression souring at the mention of Endeavor. 

“He can’t see me.” Touya says bitterly. “Fucking obviously.”

-

Touya realizes now that he’s actually interacting directly with Shouto that his feelings are all over the place. He regards him, and Shouto looks as lost as he is, but he can’t bring himself to empathize much. 

“Are you here to punish me then?” Shouto asks suddenly and Touya doesn’t mean to get mad, but he can’t help it. 

“You know, not everything is about you, Shouto.” He spits bitterly. Suddenly, he’s so mad, even if deep down he knows it’s probably not fair to his brother, but still, things have never been fair to him either. He still feels a disgusting need to be cruel to Shouto, just because someone has to hear it.

“Punish you?” Touya sneers. “You have your whole life ahead of yourself and I’m fucking dead, and you think you are the one who’s being punished?”

It’s weird though that he doesn’t feel as good as the words leave his mouth. He sees Shouto’s fists clenching on his sides, and it looks like he’s holding back tears. He doesn’t shout back, much like he did in their big fight back then, Shouto stands there and listens. He takes every verbal jab that Touya throws at him as if he’s responsible for any of this shit, and this makes Touya unreasonably angrier.

He steps closer to him, invades his space, and Shouto still doesn’t budge.

“At least fucking fight back, masterpiece. ”

The reaction he gets is minor, a hitch on Shouto’s breath and a stray tear that freezes over as soon as it dares to roll. Shouto raises one of his fists and angrily wipes at his eyes. 

Touya feels… he doesn’t fucking know what he’s feeling right now. He can’t do this. He can’t fucking do this.

In a panic, the only thing he can do is snap his fingers.

-

Shouto watches his brother disappear like the wind right in front of his eyes. He brings his hands to his throat, struggling to get enough oxygen into his lungs. He feels like someone is choking him as he starts to sob, letting his legs give in, falling to his knees. It’s a pathetic sight, but he doesn’t care, there’s no one here to witness his breakdown.

With his eyes closed, images start flashing in rapid succession behind his eyelids. The fight, Touya holding him in a hellish embrace the first time, Touya copying Phosphor the second time, Touya burning himself alive, Touya in the tank, what’s your favorite food, the funeral, his father talking, a kettle whistling in the distance—

“Stop, stop, please stop.”

He pulls at his hair, gasping for air, and wraps his arms around himself as he attempts to even his breathing, blindly searching for pressure points in his body that will calm himself down like he’s been used to doing his whole life. 

Faintly, he wishes Katsuki was here, he wishes he was holding him, but he doesn’t want him to see him like this, and he doesn’t think he has the energy to either drag himself to his room or even text him. He feels paralyzed, he doesn’t even want to get off the floor, and considers lying down and just staying there.

Touya’s words echo in his head, he feels disgusting and selfish.

“Control yourself.” He mutters to himself. “C’mon, control yourself, dammit.”

He doesn’t know how long he stays there, rocking himself back and forth and trying to calm down, but eventually, he crawls into his futon and hides under the covers, curling in on himself. This feels like torture, but maybe he deserves it.

-

Katsuki was still trying to wrap his head around what Shouto told him. If it was anyone else, he would’ve told the person to piss off and stop fucking around, but this is Shouto. He wouldn’t joke about something like this.

He’s worried though because it has been a few days since that happened, and Shouto has been acting worse and he doesn’t know what else he could possibly do to help. He’s not the best at comforting people, and that makes him even more upset with himself. He wants to be there for his boyfriend, but everything he’s been trying just feels hopeless. Shouto hasn’t been feeling like himself, he doesn’t want to talk to him, he hasn’t been feeling like eating, and sometimes Katsuki has to almost fight him over it, so he would begrudgingly take at least a few bites of his food.

It’s fucking disheartening to watch.

“Oi, Deku, have you seen Shouto?” Katsuki asks, as he finds the nerd heading to the gym after searching everywhere for Half-and-half to no avail.

“Sorry, Kacchan, I haven’t, I thought he was with you?” Deku says, looking at him with concern. “Is something wrong?”

“I don’t know.” Katsuki replies, scowling. “Hey, nerd, hypothetically, do you think ghosts can be… a thing?”

Deku looks taken aback by his question, but Katsuki can see the gears in his head starting to turn immediately, as his hand flies to his chin, in his dumbass ‘thinking pose’. He’s gonna start muttering in 3, 2, 1…

“I mean,” he starts, and Katsuki already regrets it. “If the vestiges were possible, like, if I could have access to their… souls? yeah, they were souls, if I could talk to the previous One For All users even if it was inside my head, and they couldn’t manifest or materialize here, still, I don’t think it would be such an outlandish idea to consider that yes, ghosts could be real—”

“Oh my God, shut your trap already!” Katsuki shouts and Deku immediately snaps his mouth shut. 

“Ah, sorry, Kacchan!” He yelps. “Why are you asking?”

“None of your business, nerd!” Katsuki barks, already walking away. “I gotta find Shouto, bye!”

He leaves a confused Deku behind, not before rolling his eyes as the nerd restarts his way to the gym, now muttering to himself like a fucking moron. Whatever. He did have a point though, something Katsuki hadn’t considered, but also, the One For All vestiges were part of a quirk, which makes things much more complex. As far as he’s concerned, the Todoroki family didn’t have that type of quirk in their lineage, and from what Shouto told him, his brother never accepted a quirk transfer from All For One, so that couldn’t be it.

He’s worried though because now Shouto is missing, and he doesn’t know shit about ghosts, but he does know that the last time Shouto was thrown in the same place as his brother, the guy wanted to burn him alive. He knows they had a few talks during Shouto’s visits in the aftermath of the war, but he’s watched enough movies and TV shows to know what a vindictive spirit is. He wonders if his boyfriend is in danger, as outrageous as that sounds. 

-

Soft lights cast a blueish, iridescent glow over Shouto’s face as he stands outside the tall glass wall of the aquarium, watching as the water moves and ripples peacefully while the fishes swim around aimlessly, weaving in and out of the coral reefs. He knows he should’ve at least let people know where he was going before turning off his phone and leaving Heights Alliance, but before he realized it, his feet were already on the move, leading him into a familiar direction.

He sighs as his eyes follow a blue fish until it hides inside some type of rock that looks like a little cave. His mind inevitably drifts to his brother. He hasn’t seen Touya in the past few days, and once again he’s started to wonder if he wasn’t just hallucinating things as his mind tried to cope. He tries to convince himself that it couldn’t have been just that, what he saw felt real, and so did his words. He has been thinking a lot about the things he’d said.

The blue fish emerges from its hiding spot and swims closer to the glass, as Shouto hears some sort of rustling next to him and this time he doesn’t jump in fright. He doesn’t turn to look either, but there’s a weird part of him that feels strangely relieved.

“What, not gonna jump and scream?”

Shouto wraps his arms around himself, subtly swaying on his feet as he shrugs. 

“Getting used to it, I suppose.” 

The silence sits heavy between them, as neither of them really knows what to say. Still, Touya is the one to break it.

“That’s funny,” he scoffs. “I used to come here too, a long time ago.”

Shouto looks around to make sure there’s no one around before he speaks. 

“I like it here,” he says quietly. “It’s quiet. Good place to think.”

There’s a white fish with red spots chasing after the blue fish now, and they look like they’re swimming in circles around each other.

“Yeah, same.” His brother mutters. “Guess that makes two things we have in common.”

Perhaps in a different reality, this would have been the norm for them, his brother coming after him after some disagreement because he would know exactly where to find him, and he would just talk to him normally as if nothing happened. No apologies needed.

A chonky red fish swims by suddenly and scares the blue and the bicolored fish away, ending their little game of tag. They swim apart, each one towards opposite sides of the aquarium. Shouto feels sad for them, they looked like they were having fun together.

“Did you ever wonder if they feel trapped in here?” Shouto wonders aloud, suddenly.

“Who?”

“The fish.”

For whatever reason, that cracks Touya up, he just bursts out laughing and Shouto is a little taken aback by the sound. He’s heard him laugh before, up close, right in his ear. That manic cackle that rumbled and echoed hollowly, and haunted his dreams for many nights after his brother tried to burn him alive for the first time. This is so different, it’s a clean, honest sound, as if he’s truly amused.

“I don’t know, man, they’re just fucking fish.” He says, still with mirth in his voice. “I don’t think they even have brains.”

“Of course fish have brains.” Shouto deadpans, frowning, pulling another laugh from Touya.

“Man, you’re funny.” 

He doesn’t understand what is so funny about this, but the little tug at the corner of his mouth doesn’t go unnoticed.

They fall silent again, but it's not uncomfortable. They remain there just watching the fish swim peacefully, until people start to come in and the place starts to get too crowded for Shouto’s liking. 

He suddenly remembers that he’s been gone for a few hours and pulls his phone out of his pocket, turning it on. He winces as thousands of messages and missed calls flood in, most of them from Katsuki and Midoriya, but he doesn’t bother getting back to anyone right now. Well, not entirely. He does type a quick (and perhaps a little cryptic) message to Katsuki just to let him know he’s okay and then turns his phone off again.

“It’s starting to get crowded here.” Touya comments, and Shouto looks around, nodding discreetly. He grabs his earbuds from his pockets and plugs them in. 

“What’s that for?” Touya asks, with a raised brow. “Trying to block me out?”

Shouto shakes his head. “I just figured I can still talk to you if we do it like this without me looking like a crazy person talking to myself.”

“Huh, that’s smart,” Touya says, and then it looks like he’s just bitten his tongue. Shouto doesn’t think too hard about it. 

“You wanna walk with me?” Shouto asks, a little hesitantly. For some reason, that makes Touya scoff. 

“It’s not like I’m busy or anything.”

He takes that as a good enough answer. It still feels weird and strained between them, like they’re tiptoeing around each other, but Shouto still thinks this encounter is going better than any of their previous ones. He still doesn’t know if Touya is going to have another fit of anger, but right now he seems more neutral towards him. Maybe even curious, but that’s probably wishful thinking. 

Shouto’s stomach growls as soon as they step outside the aquarium, and he realizes he’s quite hungry. He just skipped lunch and honestly, he hasn’t been doing a great job at taking care of himself and eating proper meals, usually does it when Katsuki either yells at him, or when he comes to his room to bring him some food and forces him to eat. It makes him feel cared for even when he’s being so difficult and doesn’t really deserve it, so he’s grateful. 

It feels weird to be just walking around with Touya by his side, and right now they are not really talking, so Shouto breaks the awkward silence with something that maybe’s going to make things even more awkward, but it’s his chance, he’s not going to waste it.

“Did you have a favorite restaurant?”

“Huh?” Touya looks back at him, like he’s been pulled out of his thoughts. “Do you think I had time for that shit?”

Shouto doesn’t take it personally. 

“Well, don’t villains eat?” 

-

Touya narrows his eyes, but to be honest, he has to suppress a laugh because he can’t believe this kid. There’s still a part of him that wants to be mean to him, but another part is starting to get a little… intrigued. He was a fucking asshole to him a few days ago, and still, he hasn’t mentioned it and hasn’t treated him with hostility.

“Why do you want to know anyway?” Touya asks, forcing himself to sound like the question offended him. “It was probably blown to pieces during the war.”

“So you did have one!” Shouto says. “Take me there.”

“What?”

“Please?” He insists, and his stupid dual-colored eyes are so fucking hopeful. God, Touya hates him. 

He smiles wickedly at his brother, because there’s no way he’s going to be willing to go once he hears this.

“What do you think people would say if they saw a little aspiring hero like yourself prancing around the red-light district?”

“I don’t care.” He says determinedly, not looking put off by the idea in the slightest. Touya isn’t really bluffing, there was indeed a nice hole in the wall type of restaurant where they served pretty decent food, and the soba there was actually very good. It’s not like he had the luxury to taste it from many places, but once in a while he would treat himself to something that resembled some sort of comfort, if he could call it that. He did it less and less as he got older, but still, sometimes, it was just nice to eat something other than junk.

He took Hawks there once, teased the hell out of him about the odds of a hero being on a “date” with a villain, and how that would look if someone saw them. It wasn’t a date, they were both set on a game of who was able to deceive the other better. He’s not sure if he wanted it to be a date, if the circumstances had been different, but still, it’s a memory. Perhaps a glimpse of something that could never have been. A glimpse of something he might’ve liked in a different life, maybe.

He looks at Shouto and rolls his eyes, because his stupid little brother is still wearing that hopeful expression, and god fucking dammit, he wants to yell and tell him to fuck off, but instead, he finds himself giving him coordinates. He’ll need to get a train to get there, and Shouto doesn’t question anything, he hops into the next train and even looks mildly excited about the prospect.

As they get there, Touya is actually relieved that the restaurant still exists despite the changes around the area, some places were in fact destroyed but the little sign for that shady soba place is still there. 

“It’s here,” Touya says, nodding to the entrance. Shouto looks up to the sign and determinedly walks into the establishment, taking a seat. There’s a screen that separates the customers from the cook, one of the reasons he liked this place besides the food, it was very private and he could rest assured no one would bother him there. He takes a seat by Shouto’s left.

“What’s your favorite?” Shouto asks, since there’s no menu.

“I always got the same thing, the zaru soba.” Mismatched eyes widen as soon as he says it.

“That one is my favorite too.” 

Touya averts his eyes, shifting uncomfortably on his seat.

“Whatever.” He mumbles. “Just order already.”

“Hey, can I get two servings of zaru soba?”

The man behind the screen barely offers him a grunt of acknowledgement, as Touya blinks.

“Hey, what the fuck are you doing?” He asks. “You know I can’t eat, right?”

“Just bear with me for a second, okay?” Shouto says. “Please.”

Touya sighs. This dumbass. 

When the food is served, Shouto pushes the bowl in his direction, and Touya doesn’t see the point of it, but still, he feels something twist in his gut, like an ache as his brother starts to dig in his food.

“Why do you look so happy?” Touya asks before he can catch himself.

Shouto smiles, there’s a drop of soy sauce on his cheek and he looks fucking silly like this. And young, so fucking young, Touya can almost see in him the child that once begged their father to let him fucking come down to play with his siblings and was denied. The child that was exploited and abused for so long… 

“You’ll think it’s stupid, but I really wanted to share at least one meal with you,” he says truthfully. “I guess that’s a little different from what I had in mind, but I’ll take it. So thanks for bringing me here, Touya, I really appreciate it.”

“You’re so fucking lame.” Touya says, looking down at the serving he can’t even eat, still wondering what’s the fucking point. 

Once Shouto is done, he asks for a container to take the extra serving with him, and the person silently gives it to him. Touya watches him pack everything up, he pays for the food and then they leave. 

“I gotta do something.” Shouto announces, and Touya follows behind him, watching as he stops, and gives the food to a homeless person that he hadn’t noticed before, but his brother probably saw them as they walked by. The gesture makes Touya feel weird once again, being around Shouto is weird. He’s so effortlessly good, so fucking kind to the world around him even when the stupid world has failed him so many times. 

“I can’t stand you.” Touya says, as Shouto gets back to his side. Shouto doesn’t seem fazed. 

“I know.” He sounds resigned as he says it, and that’s not—fuck. 

“That’s it? You’re just gonna accept it?”

Shouto doesn’t look at him as they keep walking back to the train station, instead he keeps his eyes set forward. 

“I know you hate me.” He says, and it’s almost weird how well he can conceal his emotions.

“I never said that.”

Shouto scoffs, scratching his cheek just below his scar. 

“I think you made that pretty clear a few times, Touya.” He says. “It’s okay. I get it.”

“I don’t think I… still do. I don’t know.” He confesses, and this time Shouto stops walking, as he looks at him. The earbuds were supposed to help him not look like a crazy person talking to himself, but Touya wonders if he realizes he’s still acting like he’s talking to someone that no one else besides him can see. 

If Touya was brave enough, this would be the moment he would tell him once again that he’s actually sorry for everything, this time to his face, looking into his eyes. Maybe that would ease the guilt he sees in them each time they lock eyes, and he feels the disgusting urge to look away. 

Shouto doesn’t say anything, even though it looked like he wanted to. He resumes his walk, and soon he’s getting into the train, and then he’s back at the dorms. 

“Fucking finally, stupid Icyhot!” Bakugou shouts as soon as Shouto steps into the common area. There’s no one else around, as it’s quite late. 

“Sorry.” Is all Shouto says, as his boyfriend walks up to him and pulls him into a hug. 

“Don’t fucking disappear like that, you fucking moron, got me all worried and shit.”

Shouto hugs him back, and that’s Touya’s queue to fuck off somewhere else. 

“Damn, he really likes you, huh.” Touya teases. Shouto glances up at him as he disentangles himself from the blond, and Touya just grins before snapping his fingers. He wants a moment away from him so he can sort out all of his feelings about today. He needs to think.

-

“Where were you anyway?” Katsuki asks, taking a step back to look at him. Shouto yawns before he answers, because he’s actually tired.

“I just went to the aquarium,” he says. “I had a lot on my mind.”

“You okay, Shouto?” He asks more seriously, and it’s actually comforting to have someone worry about him like that. Sometimes he still has to get used to Katsuki’s brand of aggressive protectiveness.

Shouto thinks about his day and he smiles genuinely, because he feels better than he has in a while. It was still weird to think about the odds of what’s been happening, hanging out with his ghost brother and being able to get something he never thought he would. He’s not very used to this, getting the things he wants, it’s such a wild concept. All in all, he’s feeling good.

He nods, taking a step forward and holding Katsuki’s face in his hands, to give him a peck on the lips.

“Surprisingly, yeah,” he says. “I’ll feel even better if you say you’re spending the night in my room tonight, I wanna cuddle, I miss you.”

Katsuki rolls his eyes, but it’s fond. 

“Spoiled princess,” he mumbles.

“Please?” He gives him pleading eyes, pouts a little ‘cause he’s figured out that works on Katsuki.

In the end, he gets what he wants and even a little more. Some lazy kisses and a little make out session that leads to nothing before they settle into a comfortable position with Katsuki holding him tight.

-

It’s only a few days later when he sees Touya again.

“Thank fuck you’re not about to get your shit wrecked this time!” His brother comments, leaning against his desk with arms crossed as Shouto looks up at him from his homework looking scandalized, his cheeks burning. 

“Shut up…” He mumbles, making Touya laugh. 

“How did that happen anyway?” 

“What?” Shouto asks, head tilted to the side in confusion.

“You and the loud blond.” 

Shouto turns his head, looking away from his brother. 

“Do you even care?” He mumbles indelicately because he’s embarrassed. Touya huffs through his nose.

“Come on, entertain me, I have nothing better to do with my time,” he says with a shrug, and that’s not quite what Shouto asked, but he doesn’t want to push it too much and end up riling him up again. They made some progress the last time, he doesn’t want to ruin it.

“It’s nothing crazy, we were always drawn to each other, I think, even though he would never admit it out loud if you asked. Many things changed after the war too, we were a lot more vulnerable. He came to my hospital room to check on me and when we were checked out, we kissed when he came to check on me again here. Then we kept doing that, then things escalated to… well, you know. At some point, we just stopped trying to deny that what we had was more than just lust. We wanted to be with each other. So here we are.”

“Touching.” Touya says, lacking the emotion. Shouto rolls his eyes.

“You’re the one who asked, asshole.” Shouto replies with a frown. 

“Yeah, yeah. It’s just surprising, thought you had the hotties for the green haired kid.”

“Midoriya? He is my friend, it’s nothing like that.”

“Well, I watched all of your fights, you know? The sports festival ones.”

Shouto looks at him like he wasn’t expecting to hear that. 

“Of course you did.” He says, instead of expressing his real feelings about it. 

“I was so mad at that time,” Touya says, and it surprises Shouto when he starts. “I didn’t understand why you would refuse to use your damn fire, when you had everything, it made me so angry to watch that.”

“Do you still think that?”

Touya averts his eyes, looking at a random point instead of him, he doesn’t respond right away. 

“I guess not, all things considered.” He says. “I just thought it was unfair, when you had all of dad’s love and attention, that you would refuse it. It was all I ever wanted, and you could have it and you didn’t want it. To me, you were just an ungrateful brat.”

Shouto presses his lips together, he tries really hard not to take it personally. He’s glad that Touya is being honest, he doesn’t really expect him to coddle him. 

“That’s fair,” Shouto says. “But it wasn’t love, you know?” 

Touya shifts a little uncomfortably, and doesn’t say anything.

“When you came back home, what you saw dad doing to me, that wasn’t love, Touya.” 

“Well, it was something!” He snaps, and Shouto can see the hurt in his eyes as his brother glares back at him. He remains calm, at least he’s not running away this time. 

“It was something,” Shouto says evenly. “It was greed and violence. I had his attention, yes, all the fucking time, he wouldn’t get off my back, it was unbearable. Do you know how many times I wanted to die?”

He sees something flash in Touya’s eyes, he might never admit it out loud to Shouto, but it looked a lot like understanding.

“Yeah, I guess that tracks, dad’s always been good at making us feel that way.” Touya says after a moment, and Shouto can tell that despite him trying to act dismissive, there’s a small shift in his tone, his usual sarcasm sounds watered down.

“I’m sorry you ever felt that way though.” Shouto says. “I don't think any of us should ever have experienced that.”

“I’m- fuck,” Touya cuts himself off. “... Yeah. You’re right.”

He finds his easy way out when Shouto’s phone starts ringing and they both look down, seeing that Katsuki is calling him.

“Well, looks like you’re being requested, so I’ll just go. See you around, baby brother!” Touya snaps his fingers and vanishes before Shouto can complain. He wonders where he goes when he disappears like that. 

With a sigh, he picks up the phone.

-

Touya’s visits become more frequent. They talk, usually, about a lot of things. They don’t see eye to eye sometimes, Touya is awfully stubborn, and Shouto can be difficult sometimes, he admits. 

Touya is unpredictable, so sometimes he just tries to do everything in his power to get a rise out of Shouto, he’s very mean sometimes, but Shouto tries to understand. It doesn’t always work, because sometimes his frustration is just rooted on deep misconceptions and he can’t just stay quiet. When that happens, at least he feels slightly better for being able to clear some things up. Touya had a lot of time to shape up and build his own perspective, but it’s often twisted, not an accurate picture of what reality looked like. 

He likes to think that they’ve been growing closer, and he’s happy that he keeps showing up, but at the same time, a part of him hates that Touya has become such a comforting, constant presence because he knows this can’t last forever. 

Some days, he’s not sure if he can take another person he loves being ripped fromhis life again, and there’s nothing he can do about it. 

It’s some random night and they’re lying on Shouto’s bed, staring at the ceiling. It’s weird to not feel any warmth emanating from a presence beside him. Whenever he lies in his bed with Katsuki, or even with Midoriya when they hang out to talk until late at night, he always pays attention to their warmth. Katsuki runs hotter than the average person, and he favors Shouto’s right or left based on the weather. Midoriya always sticks to his left, Shouto thinks it’s a subconscious effort to show support, some type of reassurance. It’s nice either way, Midoriya is a good friend. 

If Touya was alive, he imagines he would run hotter, too. It feels a little bittersweet that he can lie on his bed, but there’s no weight on his side, the futon stays flat like no one is there. If he closes his eyes, it wouldn’t feel like there’s someone there at all. 

-

Touya slowly stops to question whatever this is or what it means. He tried telling himself that coming to see Shouto was just something to do, otherwise he would have some type of post-mortem death out of fucking boredom, with nothing else to do other than roam around. He might become an evil spirit just for kicks.

(The reason he would rather keep meeting Shouto instead escapes him.)

Each time feels easier to talk to his brother, and sometimes he hates it. He wishes he could keep despising him, but there’s not much contempt left in him these days. He feels intrigued, curious even, as they progress and talk. There are still days where he feels the need to be mean to him, to keep himself in check and make sure he’s still the same. It feels hollow though, he doesn’t feel the same gratification perhaps he would before, when he was at the peak of his hatred. 

Sometimes, when he needs to step away, he thinks and thinks. Why Shouto looks so happy when he’s around is beyond him, but there’s a part of him who keeps wondering if that’s what they were always supposed to be. Kin. Family. 

He wonders if there’s a universe where he would’ve loved his brother as he turns his head and looks at him, Shouto is looking up but as if he senses he’s being watched, he turns his head as well and locks eyes with him. Touya doesn’t see the 17-year-old though, he sees the little kid with big eyes, begging to play with him. 

Fuck, he still doesn’t understand what his fucking purpose here is, and whenever he’s feeling mushy and stupid, the little mean worm in his brain pushes him to say something evil, so he caves once again and blurts out whatever’s on his mind. 

“What would you have done if we’d taken you instead of your boyfriend that time?”

Shouto doesn’t avert his eyes, but he seems to think about his question. It lacked bite, it just came out as a normal question, so Touya isn’t even sure he took it as the jab he intended it to be. 

“I don’t know,” he answers truthfully. It takes Touya by surprise, as he was expecting some moral righteousness to come out of his mouth. 

“What do you mean ‘you don’t know’?” Touya frowns, and this time Shouto looks away.

“I hated Endeavor too, you know,” he says. “I wanted—want. I want to become a hero and do right, but there were instances where I thought I could easily have been just like you.” 

“So you don’t hate him anymore then?”

Shouto turns to look at him.

“Do you?”

Touya can’t hold his gaze, so he looks away and considers just vanishing instead of replying because he doesn’t know anymore. He… did. For a long time. But he doesn’t know if he still does. He hasn’t really forgiven him, but as the days pass, he’s been less and less on his mind, he barely remembers to hate him some days. 

“I asked you first, asshole,” he says, in an attempt to evade the question.

“It’s complicated,” Shouto says. “Sometimes I think I still do, but sometimes I just don’t feel anything.”

They fall quiet for a moment, before Shouto speaks again.

“I wish mom got out though.”

“She made a choice.” Touya says promptly. He still remembers the pitiful state he saw them. Sometimes he still drops by the house and watches them for a while, and nothing has changed. His father mourns in front of his altar day after day, his mother seems lost, like she doesn’t know what to do with herself. It’s hard to watch, he thought that would bring him joy once, their suffering, but it’s just fucking pitiful. 

“I don’t think it’s that simple either,” Shouto says. “I think she just didn’t want the burden to keep falling on our shoulders, she blames herself for everything that’s happened. To you. To me. To all of us.”

“It wasn’t her fault,” Touya frowns. “She should’ve gotten out. Like this, it’s like she just switched cages.”

“I feel like I failed her.” Shouto mutters. 

“What?” Touya asks incredulously. “Why?”

“I promised myself I would save her one day, but nothing went according to plan, I think. I know it’s her own choice, but it feels like I haven’t accomplished anything. She’s out of the hospital, but like you said yourself, sometimes it feels like she’s still trapped there with him.”

“That’s bullshit, Shouto.” Touya barks. “Didn’t you help save the fucking world when you stopped me? That’s not failing.”

Shouto scoffs humorlessly. 

“Yeah, and on top of that, now you’re dead. Some fucking hero. Nothing was fixed.”

“You couldn’t hope to fix what you didn’t break.”

“I tried so hard, but in the end… Well.”

“Seems like mom isn’t the only one who blames herself for shit she shouldn’t.”

Shouto widens his eyes, turning to look at him like he’s fucking surprised, or like that thought never occurred to him. God, Touya hates this kid so much. 

“I gotta go.” He announces when he can’t take it anymore and snaps his fingers.

-

Touya’s back at the aquarium, watching as a red and white fish and the same blue fish he always sees swim around each other, when the reaper shows up.

“Uh-oh, am I in trouble?” He asks mockingly, looking at her. The woman chuckles, shaking her head.

“On the contrary,” she says. “I just came here to tell you that you’re on the right path.”

“Whatever that fucking means.” He grumbles, turning back to the fish tank. 

The reaper takes a step forward, as he turns again. She carefully grabs his hand with such gentleness that makes him want to crawl out of his skin, he’s not used to such kindness,  and she takes it to his chest, pressing his own palm over his heart.

“There was a reason you were able to copy his move,” she says softly. “It goes beyond your remarkable ability to watch and learn.”

He frowns, feeling his heart stutter. 

“Ask him about it.” 

“What? His move? Is that another fucking riddle?” Touya sneers, the reaper keeps smiling nonetheless.

“Don’t be mad, Touya, you’re almost there.” She evades his question. This woman is not very good at reassuring people, in Touya’s humblest opinion. “Everything you need is right here, you’ll figure it out, I’m sure of it.”

Before he can say anything, protest or ask any more questions, she steps back and vanishes into thin air. He wonders if Shouto feels the same frustration with him whenever he disappears like that too.

He’s been doing a lot of thinking, and thus he’s been able to come up with a few answers about a few things. It’s obvious that whatever it is that he needs to do here, it’s tied to Shouto. Obviously. It’s always him. 

He’s almost certain that there’s this one specific thing he needs to do, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it just yet. Perhaps he’s too stubborn, or he has too much pride still.

Shouto still blames himself for their family’s sins. 

Touya has been able to admit to himself that his sins are his own, he made fucking bad choices in his life, and he’s way past trying to shift the blame to their father, but Shouto is still stuck in that cycle. Touya understands now that his father is already living in his own cycle of personal hell because even if he isn’t dead and rotting in hell, living with that amount of guilt for the rest of his life is suitable punishment.

But it’s a punishment that he should bear on his own. Yet, he’s still unfairly sharing this burden with Shouto because Shouto still feels guilty as fuck for things he hasn’t done—couldn’t have done, he was a child for fuck’s sake. He blames himself for what he couldn’t do for mom, and for not saving Touya. He blames himself for not properly forgiving their father, even though it’s his right. 

He blames himself for surviving when Touya hasn’t, even though, ultimately, Touya knew he was going on a suicide mission, and only realized dying wasn’t what he wanted when it was too little too late to regret it.

But Touya might have the key to be able to free Shouto from some of this guilt he’s been carrying, because he deserves it. 

As much as Touya wanted to hate him, as much as he wanted to think it’s unfair that Shouto had a chance while he didn’t, he understands now that it was his own choices that brought him to his current predicament. He’s dead but Shouto is alive, and he deserves a chance to heal, and move on from all of this to live a happy life, despite everything. 

(Maybe he could spare Touya a thought now and then too, that would be nice.)

It surprises Touya that he’s even able to think like that still, but perhaps spending time with his pain in the ass little brother has made him see things in a new light. It softened his heart, as much as he hates to admit it. He can see Shouto was never the enemy, but a victim just like him, and Natsuo, and Fuyumi, and Mom.

The issue is that he might know what he needs to do, but executing it is the problem.

-

When Touya shows up that night, he finds Shouto with Bakugou, and they are fucking dancing in the dorms’ kitchen. The blond is attempting to twirl his brother, who’s a few inches taller than him, so their movements end up clumsy and stupid, but Shouto is laughing nonetheless, and it makes Touya’s heart squeeze. He takes a few steps back and hides, as he watches them, not wanting to disturb whatever silly shit they’re up to.

Over the time he’s been here with Shouto, he’s thought about what it would have been like if their lives had been different. 

Touya is convinced he’d at least have enjoyed picking on Bakugou for dating his baby brother, and he would probably have found it hilarious to terrorize him for it. 

(Maybe Touya came to the horrible realization that he probably would have been an overprotective brother, because for whatever stupid reason, a desire to see Shouto keep smiling like that had been possessing him, and he doesn’t really know what to do with those feelings, so he’s just not admitting to that. Ever.)

He has to wait out until they finish cooking, and they take so fucking long because they keep pausing to be disgustingly affectionate with each other, maybe because there’s no one else around, or maybe because they don’t really care. The annoying thing about being dead, is that he has way too much time on his hands, and when he’s not following Shouto around or pestering him, he’s got quite literally nothing else to do. 

As he watches the two idiots, he once again thinks if that’s something he would’ve wanted in his former life, but before those thoughts can take any form, he dismisses them. He’s had experiences, not all of them were pleasant, some things were sickening, mostly stuff he had to do to keep surviving, when he was maybe too young to understand some shit, and before he learned to take advantage instead of being taken advantage of. 

He feels like he shouldn’t be watching them any longer when they put on a movie on the TV, but neither of them seem interested in watching it, as they keep kissing until Shouto climbs onto the blond’s lap and Touya decides he’s seen enough. What the fuck is wrong with those horny kids? Anyone could walk in on them at any moment! 

He sighs, snapping his fingers quickly and zaps himself into Shouto’s room, hoping the lovebirds won’t be moving their business here. 

Because he’s really fucking bored, he starts snooping around Shouto’s room, at first he thinks it would be funny if he could find something really lame to tease him about, but Shouto is a fucking weird kid, so he has no hopes of maybe finding porn magazines hidden somewhere, or who knows, maybe weed, cigarettes. If they all had been normal, maybe.

Instead, he comes across a notebook by accident and as he flips the pages, his heart drops. It’s a war planning. Strategy routes, notes. Very well calculated statistics. The names of Endeavor’s sidekicks and their quirks, and where they should’ve been placed to maximize their chances. Which is all fair, a hero in training should be doing these, but that’s not what made his heart sink. It was the whole page dedicated to him. 

There was a badly drawn figure that should represent Touya, and that pulls a snort out of him. What a fucking dork with horrible artistic skills. He has notes written down about specifics of his quirk, and it surprises Touya how detailed those are. He wonders if he asked their father about it, or if he got all that from their first combat. 

His eyes land on a few words written on the side of the page, like a whisper or a little wish. Save Touya, it says. 

On the next page, there’s a whole plan for his move, Phosphor. It’s all so intricate, and well thought out, and it makes Touya painfully aware of how much time he probably spent coming up with something that was made specifically for him, with the purpose of stopping him and if he knew better, he would even dare to say that Shouto probably wanted to do that without hurting him at all. 

Fuck.

“Touya?”

He turns abruptly as the door opens and Shouto looks at him, and then his eyes dart down to the notebook as he’s about to flip another page. Shouto’s first impulse is to sprint toward him and snatch the notebook from his reach, holding it close to his chest.

“That’s private!”

As Touya looks at him, everything makes sense. Suddenly, he’s aware of what he needs to do, and he realizes he’s ready to do it. He can’t afford to be selfish anymore, he’s already dead, and deep in his core, once upon a time, he wanted to be good, a hero even. Perhaps this is his last chance to let Shouto know he did save him in a way, and maybe if he’s not being too optimistic, he could save him in return. 

“Can you show me?” 

“What?”

“The move you made for me.” Touya steps closer to him. “Show me, brother.”

Shouto puts the notebook down and looks at him with a quizzical expression. He doesn’t argue though, instead he takes unsure, shaky hands to his shirt and undoes the buttons. He connects his hands, interlacing his fingers, as he takes a deep breath, fixing his gaze on Touya one last time before he closes his eyes, gathering concentration. 

It takes a little while before it starts. It’s only a small, single spot of light that flickers to life brightly in the center of his chest. Up close and not in the middle of a battle, with all the tension around them, he can see the dedication, the level of discipline Shouto is able to put his body under to be able to summon this. The little ember grows slowly and steadily, illuminating his face. He’s so fucking young still. 

Without all the rage and spite, Touya can truly appreciate how beautiful this move looks. It makes his heart twist as he thinks that Shouto was able to create something so precious and delicate with him in mind. It’s the first time that he feels tears well up in his eyes. He doesn’t even remember anymore when he lost the ability to cry, he knows he used to cry a lot when he was a kid. It seems like he’s earned it back now, because there are tears rolling down his face without his permission as Shouto opens his eyes and fixes his gaze on him when he steadies it enough and his whole chest is glowing, the red and white joining in the middle in perfect harmony.

Shouto’s eyes widen when he looks at him, and Touya looks down, to see that his own chest has started to glow. It’s not like the time he copied this move, he doesn’t feel excruciating pain when it happens. He understands what the reaper said all at once. 

When Shouto created this move and when Touya replicated it, they were bound to each other. Their hearts were connected somehow.

Touya’s whole chest starts to glow, matching Shouto’s. 

“I know I told you this before, but I’m glad I’ve gotten this chance to say it to your face, I’m sorry, Shouto.” Touya says, and maybe these are the truest words he’s ever said. 

“Wait, you never said that to me.”

“Well, then I’m telling you now.”

He sees the reaper, she’s there, standing right behind Shouto. Touya smiles, shifting his eyes back to Shouto. He figured it out, he finally figured it out. His mission is complete.

“Be good alright?” He tells his brother. “The past might never die, but it shouldn’t drag you down either. I’m letting it go, and so should you.”

He turns his gaze to the woman, nodding. 

“I’m ready to go.”

-

Shouto looks behind himself, putting Phosphor out, but he doesn’t see what Touya is seeing. He’s given up questioning these things a long time ago, but something tells him this is the last time he’s going to see his brother. 

His chest aches, he doesn’t want to let him go, they had just started to get to know each other, but a part of him had always known he wasn’t going to stay here forever. He’s glad for the time that was borrowed for them, but still, he feels tears well up in his eyes and his throat feels tight.

“I’m gonna miss you, Touya.”

Touya offers him a big, bright smile, stepping closer to him, pulling him into a tight hug. It’s not vile like the first time he did this, Touya has no intention to hurt his brother this time. Shouto hugs him back, as he revels in it, wishing more than anything that things could’ve been different for their family. Still, he has to accept reality as it is.

“Remember this version of me, little brother,” Touya whispers before he steps back.

Shouto nods as he watches his brother disappear, and he lets the tears fall freely. He’s feeling too many things at once. All of it feels like it was a fever dream, but he knows everything was real. 

He’s sad that he had to let him go, but something in his chest feels lighter. Something tells him that he’s going to be okay. 

Without thinking too hard, he leaves his room and goes one floor down, following the corridor until he’s knocking on Katsuki’s door. He doesn’t want to be alone after all that.

As Katsuki opens the door, Shouto flings himself at him and his boyfriend immediately wraps him securely in his arms. 

“He’s gone.” Shouto mumbles, not letting go of him. He’s crying again, but he does not try to suppress it.

He’s not sure if Katsuki ever believed him about Touya’s ghost or not, but still, the blond just nods with understanding, bringing one hand to his hair to cradle his head, petting his hair soothingly as he hums. Shouto couldn’t ask for more.

-

It’s a little bit weird to not have Touya show up randomly during the day, he had grown accustomed to having him there at random moments, knocking his things off his desk or just yapping in his ear nonstop just to annoy him.

He goes about his day, watches his classes, eats lunch with his friends. He’s not sure yet what he’s feeling. He’s sad, of course, but there’s a part of him that feels more alive than ever. 

When school is over, he skips study hall, as he makes a decision. This time though, he lets Katsuki know he’ll be back soon instead of leaving without telling anyone. He doesn’t tell his boyfriend what he’s going to do because he feels like he wants to keep it as something private.

He chooses to walk instead of taking the subway, so he can breathe in some fresh air and clear his head. He replays all the conversations he’s had with his brother during the time he’s been around and he’s glad for this chance. Most of the weight he had been carrying on his chest seemed to be lifted each time they would talk about things and hearing Touya say he was sorry meant the world to him.

When Shouto sees the sign for the little pet shop in town, he takes a deep breath and walks in. 

He buys a fishbowl and two fish. A red and white one, and a blue one. 

When he sets it in his room, he puts it in the same place the flower vase Touya smashed used to sit, and he watches as they swim around each other happily as he feeds them.

“I’ll see you later,” he tells the fish as he hears a knock on his door.

“You good?” Katsuki asks as he opens the door as steps outside, Midoriya is there too lingering beside him. Shouto nods as he kisses Katsuki briefly before he pulls back and smiles at Midoriya.

“Let’s go, everyone is waiting.” Midoriya says.

Shouto offers his hand to his boyfriend, who takes it, interlacing their fingers. It makes his heart jump and his chest warm, as the three of them walk to the common area. When Shouto sees all of his friends there waiting for a chill movie afternoon, it finally settles within him that he’s truly happy.