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Still no gate number.
Not that Eddie expected it to have appeared in the fifteen seconds since he last looked. Even if there were a gate number, all he’d be able to do once he got there would be wait in an almost identically uncomfortable seat for their flight to start boarding.
Until the scheduled departure time, he’s stuck in Texas, when he needs to be in LA.
When Buck needs him in LA.
Except that wasn’t what Buck had said.
No, Buck had asked Eddie to come to LA for Buck’s baby. For a daughter Eddie hadn’t even known about, for god knows how long.
Half a year, at least. Eddie’s last text from Bobby had been letting him know Buck was going into surgery for an emergency C-section, so Buck is far enough along for the doctors to deem it appropriate to try to deliver the baby.
When had Buck’s video calls started being exclusively from the shoulders up? Has Buck’s face been growing fuller week by week, but the change too gradual for Eddie to notice? How has Eddie missed this?
How have they all missed this?
Because Bobby had been as shocked as he was when Eddie called him to ask what the hell was going on, to make sure that somebody could be there for Buck and his baby while Eddie was too far away. The messages Hen and Chim added to the group chat as the news had spread suggest the same.
They haven’t all been conspiring to keep this from him, but he almost wishes they had. It’s painful to think of Buck bringing a new life into the world, going through such massive changes, and it somehow passing unnoticed. Eddie had comforted himself in lonely moments in El Paso with the knowledge that the 118 was still out there; they had each other and they’d be okay, waiting to welcome him back to visit someday. But if Buck’s pregnancy had slipped through the gaps, what else might have been missed until it might be too late?
He can’t let himself think like that. Buck had sounded alarmed on the call, but he hadn’t assessed his own injuries as critical, and — though he doesn’t show off those skills often on a team stacked with more experienced medics — Buck is a good EMT. And Bobby had confirmed that he’d made it to hospital and into surgery.
Buck is going to be fine.
Buck has to be fine.
And Buck’s baby, who he’d sounded so worried about, will be fine too.
Buck’s baby, who he’d called Eddie about.
Not his sister. Not his pseudo-father figure. Eddie was the one Buck had called when he’d needed somebody to be there for his baby when he might not be able to.
Eddie has always hoped that Buck understood exactly how much it meant when Eddie had told him Buck was who he’d want to care for Christopher if Eddie was no longer around. Now he’s realising that he was the one who hadn’t fully understood, not if Buck had felt anything like this.
He’d known it was a sign of trust, a weight of responsibility, a lifelong commitment, when he’d named Buck as the person he would most trust with Christopher in his stead. But Eddie has been a parent for fourteen years; already knows the depth of love he has for his son, the hope and terror he carries in equal measure. What he’s never felt before is that being chosen to care for someone else’s child is so entwined with the threat of loss.
It’s hell to think of this turning out badly and raising Buck’s child in Buck’s absence. Yet something in Eddie revolts further at the thought he might be presuming too much. If, god forbid, anything happened to Buck, Maddie might be the more obvious candidate. If the baby went to her, and he and Chris returned to El Paso, Eddie could end up losing Buck and barely knowing his child.
Even if he pushes his worst fears aside, thinks only of a world where Buck’s injuries turn out to be minor, that wouldn’t necessarily prevent the scenario Eddie has conceived where Buck’s child is all but a stranger to him despite the swell of feeling in Eddie’s chest at the mere idea of a child with Buck’s bright eyes and near-boundless enthusiasm for the world. What if Buck recovers from his surgery and says, “Sorry, Eddie, I only called because I was disoriented by the accident. Go back to El Paso, there’s nothing left for you here.”?
If Eddie could go back to the moment he’d first seen Kim, he’d warn himself having the brief illusion of her would mean losing everything else, but he’s not sure he trusts that version of himself to listen until he’s felt the pain firsthand. Eddie’s parents always did say he was too stubborn, only learned lessons the hard way.
Chris is his first responsibility, and it was Chris he’d hurt the most with that mistake. Eddie had no choice but to go to El Paso, to hope his son would see his repentance and allow Eddie to prove he would do better if given the chance. He’d known leaving would put a strain on his friendship with Buck, that Buck would miss him, but Buck had the rest of his life in LA to distract him, friends and family who’d get him through the sting of it. Eddie was the one losing the life he’d built, but he wasn’t going to cause any more harm trying to hold onto things he’d already lost. Giving up Buck was part of the price Eddie had to pay, he couldn’t drag Buck into his pain by poking over and over again at the wound of their separation by calling every time Eddie wanted respite from the consequences of his own actions.
Add in the awkwardness of a new job with a strict captain and shifts which kept his schedule out of sync with Buck’s; plus the way Eddie’s free time had to remain constantly flexible to fit around his parents making plans with Chris (always him needing to adapt because he’d come to El Paso to prove he was done putting his other wants above his son); and Eddie has a bevy of reasons but still nobody to blame but himself for the fact Buck’s life has moved on without him.
Maybe he’d already have known about the baby, if not for all the times Buck had brushed off a question or changed the subject and Eddie had let it slide because going along with Buck’s conversational choices felt like the surest way to keep Buck on the line and there’d be nothing Eddie could do if Buck answered his pushing by ending the call.
“I just don’t get how Buck was planning on figuring a secret baby into our summer plans.”
Eddie startles at his son’s voice interrupting his thoughts. “Summer plans?” He knows Chris has Buck’s number, that they text enough that sometimes Buck knows what is happening in El Paso before Eddie tells him, but he hadn’t expected them to go as far as making plans without keeping him in the loop.
“Well, I haven’t seen him since last summer,” Chris said. “You haven’t said anything about him visiting, so I guess you guys hadn’t worked out the details yet, but even if he couldn’t get time off for spring break, there’s no way he’d be working the whole of my summer vacation, so obviously we were going to see him at some point. But what was he planning on doing about the baby?”
Buck had said when he’d declined Eddie’s invite for spring-break that he’d come to them during the summer, but he hadn’t brought it up again and Eddie had been a coward about extending another invite after Buck had already declined once. Buck must have known by then he was pregnant, had the suggestion of a summer visit just been a polite fiction to smooth over the refusal to visit in the spring? After all, Buck could hardly have planned to come all the way to El Paso with his baby.
“We hadn’t talked about summer plans,” Eddie admits. He’s not sure how to gently tell Christopher that his certainty might be misplaced, but from the way Chris frowns, he’s probably coming to that conclusion all on his own.
Eddie had taken Buck at his word that there was simply no capacity in the 118’s schedule for Buck to take time off during spring-break, rebuked himself for not thinking to invite Buck earlier so he had enough notice to request the leave. It stings to think that Buck might have been lying about ever intending to come. El Paso might not be anyone’s first choice of destinations for their vacation time, but he’d been sure Buck would want to come for Chris. Now, knowing Buck had been growing his family in LA without even telling them, it feels like Buck is distanced from them by more than just the eight hundred miles between them.
Chris is old enough now to understand that sometimes people grow apart, that friends drift away, that good things don’t always last, but despite all the loss and disappointment his son has experienced, Eddie’s not sure how Chris will take it if Buck’s life is diverging from theirs as fully as this new revelation makes it feel.
Right after the call had cut out, when Eddie had said, “Buck’s been in an accident, I need to go to LA,” Christopher’s answer had been, “I still have stuff in my overnight bag from when I was at Mateo’s, I can grab that and we can figure out laundry when we get there.”
Once Eddie had found them a flight (the timing a small mercy, if Buck had called half an hour later they’d have had to wait until mid-afternoon), Chris had taken charge of Eddie’s phone on the drive to the airport, reading out messages from Bobby, Hen, and Chim, and typing Eddie’s replies for him. Under other circumstances, Eddie might have hesitated to thrust him into the middle of an adult conversation like that, but Chris playing the middleman was a lot more efficient than Eddie trying to deal with his phone’s driving mode, and Chris is old enough now that keeping him out of the loop wouldn’t shield him from thinking up concerns of his own.
Between updates from LA, Chris had interrogated Eddie — “how could Buck get into an accident?” — “why did nobody tell me Buck is pregnant?” — “I didn’t even know Buck could get pregnant!” — getting increasingly frustrated when the only answers Eddie could offer him were variants of “that’s all I know”, “I don’t know”, “neither did I”.
Now, he brings up a topic that Eddie is surprised didn’t come up right away, but grateful he didn’t have to answer while operating a vehicle. “Dad… I’m glad we know and we’re going, but how come Buck called you instead of anyone in LA? I mean, there’s Maddie and the team, plus whoever is the baby’s other dad…”
“I’m not sure.” If it had just been the call, Eddie would wonder if he’d just been the most recent number in Buck’s phone to redial or if he’d assumed timezones and shifts would mean Eddie was more likely to pick up than anybody in LA. But it hadn’t just been the call, Buck had asked for Eddie to be there.
“It probably sounds stupid…” Chris pulls a face. “It’s just… shouldn’t the most important person for Buck to call be the person whose baby it is?”
And Buck had called Eddie to be there for his daughter. Or maybe Buck had just called his best friend. He and Eddie had shared a single night, technically enough to conceive, but what were the odds? Buck had many more opportunities with Tommy and it’s about nine months since their breakup, the timeline would work if it had happened just before the end. Or the baby could be early and have been conceived with someone Buck didn’t even meet until after Eddie left. Maybe Buck is dating someone and nobody mentioned anything to Eddie, which would sound insane except for Buck has managed to carry a child close enough to term for doctors to be attempting to deliver it and not said a thing.
But eight months ago Eddie hadn’t been able to leave LA with nothing, and, when Buck had kissed him back, they’d fallen into bed and done enough that the possibility is there.
Something on Eddie’s face must give his thoughts away, because Chris’s jaw drops. “Wait, is it your baby?”
He’s loud enough that people turn and stare. Under other circumstances, Eddie would be mortified. Right now, who gives a fuck what strangers in El Paso airport think?
“I don’t know who the other parent of the baby is,” he says, truthfully. “Whoever it is, that’s not as important as the fact Buck asked for us—” Well, Eddie, but Buck knows involving Eddie would mean involving Chris, even if Chris hadn’t immediately insisted on coming. “—and he and his baby should be supported, no matter who the other father is.”
Chris narrows his eyes. “That isn’t saying that it couldn’t be you.”
“Chris…”
Buck had never brought up that night and Eddie didn’t know how to ask what it had meant to him, if Buck had understood why Eddie couldn’t separate from him without kissing him at least once and had kissed back because he felt the same, or if it had just been some spur of the moment thing since Eddie’s impending departure meant there was no need to worry about consequences for their friendship.
When Buck had talked about having something to discuss, not urgent but not suitable for work or around Chris, Eddie had wondered if he was finally planning on broaching the topic. If his baby is a product of that night, maybe that wasn’t an entirely inaccurate guess, but it’s equally possible that Eddie is letting his imagination run away with him and Buck really is just calling him as a friend, that the baby’s father is Tommy or any one of a string of people Buck might have moved onto in the time Eddie has been away.
“Dad, did you and Buck—did you do anything that means it could be your baby?” Chris demands.
“It’s… possible,” Eddie admits. Unlikely, maybe, but he hadn’t even thought about protection that night. He’d been so certain he knew Buck well enough that if there were any risks to consider Eddie would have already known. “Listen, Chris—”
“No.”
Eddie’s heart stops.
“I know we had that talk about you not keeping secrets from me, thank you for answering honestly, but I don’t need any details,” Chris continues firmly. He sounds strained, but not angry. It’s enough for Eddie to hope that it’s just teenage embarrassment at the implications causing him to shut down the conversation, not Chris being unhappy that it had happened or feeling betrayed that Eddie had promised to be more open and careful in how he handled his relationships, but only after he’d recklessly indulged in that night of letting himself soak up everything he could before he had to give up Buck.
They sit in silence. Chris goes back to messing with his phone, but the few times Eddie glances over at his screen he doesn’t seem to be making any real progress with his game. Above them the departures board is still showing their gate number as ‘TBC’.
“Actually, just one follow up question,” Chris blurts out after a few minutes.
Eddie nods, encouragingly. He’s not sure he’ll have the answers, not with how lost he feels right now, but he always wants Chris to feel like he can come to Eddie with questions.
“So, like, my health class here isn’t as thorough as what I learned in LA… but, back when it first came up, I mentioned to Grandma they seemed to be skipping over stuff and she just changed the subject.” Chris shakes his head. “Anyway, I know I wasn’t planned, and now Buck’s baby might be yours… but… uh… you did get sex ed at some point, right?”
Above them, the departures screen changes, gate number B6 appearing on the row for their flight. Shifting to gathering their bags and checking Christopher has all his things instead of giving an answer is probably irresponsible parenting, but Eddie doesn’t know what conversations they might be facing when they get to LA, so he’ll spare himself this difficult one for now.