Chapter Text
Melissa and you had been dating for awhile. Long enough that everyone at Abbott had become used to knocking on Melissa’s classroom door in the morning if it was closed or risk seeing you pressed up against the wall, her teeth digging into your neck. Used to the way that you were the only one who could stop Melissa from a full-on spiral by a simple touch. However what they had not experienced till last night was the fall out from a screaming match that had you using a local bar’s phone to call the only number beside Melissa’s that you had memorized. Janine. It felt like the only solution too exhausted and eyes full of tears to figure out how to get to your own apartment. To Janine’s credit she had kept her mouth shut only offering to bring you back her apartment to not be alone. You had accepted and spent the night laying across from Janine a pillow wall between you two as she gave you live commentary on the newest season of Nailed It. It had been your weekly friend date that had started two years ago when you first came to Abbott the same time as her. The friendship had grown during the last year of your teacher training before you both applied to the underfunded school. It had beeen quick and easy like finding the sister you never had. She held your hand grounding you just enough to keep you from floating away like a balloon. It had been distracting and you had fallen asleep listening to her.
Melissa was on the other side of town frantically calling your phone cursing under her breath every time it went to voicemail. Tears rushed down her face as she finally found it on the charger on “your side” of the bed as she liked to call it inside her head. Your overnight bag was still open on the bed from earlier when you had rummaged through it looking for pajamas. Due to the night’s events you had left in a hurry taking nothing and merely running for the door. Melissa had called everyone she could think of. Barbara had answered half asleep saying that of course she hadn’t heard from you it was almost one in the morning. Loud club music filled the phone call with Ava who reported she didn't have your number saved so she probably ignored the call. With a loud curse she began to call the children. Gregory answered with a yawn that he had just gotten in for the night from working and hadn't heard from you. Jacob asked way too many questions so Melissa hung up on him immediately. Janine didn't answer even after the third call. Melissa drove around in a frenzy taking any route to get to your apartment to see if you were walking. She pounded on your door till your neighbor threatened to call the cops, and Melissa gave in and returned home. Where she fell asleep on the couch her face wet with the tears that didn't seem to stop.
The next morning Janine waited outside your apartment while you got dressed for work because the thought of staying home alone was more terrifying than the possibility of facing your angry girlfriend. Janine had been able to feed you small bites of a muffin before you reached Abbott’s doors. You thanked her for not asking any questions and just being there which she replied to with: Of course. What are best friends for. And you had to admit this short ball of sunshine had been the best friend that you ever had. Now however you were sitting at your desk still in tears replaying the events of the night over and over in your head before school started.
It had started with a glass, that had slipped out of your hands and shattered on the floor. Melissa’s favorite glass from her Nonna that you used every time you were at her house. But you had been distracted and hadn’t had time to react from it slipping out of your fingers. You flinched at the sound and the way Melissa turned to glare daggers into you. Her face had softened a fraction as she saw you already crying curling into yourself as you dropped to your knees. You had frantically picked at the pieces not caring that they left small cuts across your palm while you piled them together. You deserved that pain.
“I’m so sorry, I am such an idiot. I am so sorry. Please don’t be mad. Please don’t be mad,” You said over and over again refusing to look up at your girlfriend.
“Just a glass,” Melissa snipped her voice sounding harsh even to herself.
She paused for a moment trying to calm herself but that small silence completely unraveled you, “It was your Nonna’s coffee mug. A priceless heirloom and I ruined it. I ruin everything. I am so sorry.”
“Can you just stop for a damn minute?” Melissa said reaching to pull you up.
You flinched, your whole body visibly recoiling from her which made her even more angry. She knew you had a past that made you a little more cautious. Easy to jump at random sounds. More likely to cry when simple things fell apart. Became timid when it started to get loud. But never once had you flinched. Especially from her. The woman who had spent months showing you that she was a safe place for you to land. A constant in the ever changing sea of chaos. Yet in the moment when Melissa knew it counted the most you showed your lack of trust and flinched. You showed how scared you truly were.
“I'm not your ex,” She sighed, “And I wish you would stop treating me like I'm gonna constantly yell at ya or hit ya.”
“I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to,” You croaked, still determined to try and pick up the glass.
“Forget the glass Y/N. I'm talking to ya,” Melissa snapped and immediately, you dropped all the pieces back to the ground.
Your hands shook as you retreated further into yourself. You wiped the small pricks of blood on your leggings before you stood up. The broken pieces of the glass between you and Melissa symbolizing the crack that had begun to form in your relationship. You couldn't even look at her too fearful of the anger you would find there. Your thoughts were already cruel enough you didn't need them confirmed by looking at her.
“It’s just a fucking glass Y/N,” Melissa shouted barely taking in how loud she was.
“If it isn't a big deal then why are you yelling?” You countered eyes trained on the floor.
“ ‘Cause I'm sick of ya apologizing for shit that doesn't matter. I ain't your ex who is gonna blow up on you all the time. I thought you knew that.”
“I do,” You whispered.
“Then why you flinch? Like I was gonna haul you up and beat your ass.”
“Cause I'm scared Mel.”
“Of me?” And finally you could hear the hurt Melissa had been trying to hide.
You looked up at her for a moment and saw tears she was working hard to keep at bay, “No, I never said that. I'm scared of the flashbacks that come without warning. That make me so terrified I'm stuck frozen. That I'm always going to feel this way. I'm just scared. But never of you.”
“Well I'm sick of being treated like those other assholes you dated. I deserve better.”
“And I'm trying! Don't you see that.”
“Well maybe you aren't trying enough,” Melissa spatted out.
“Ouch.”
“You broke up with them 2 years ago Y/N. We have been together a year next week. You should be over this.”
“How the fuck do you have any right to tell me what i should or should not be feeling,” You said finally cracking under her words, “Not all of us can we can be a strong closed off Melissa Schemmenti.”
Melissa let out a laugh and slammed her hand on the table. And there it was again you jumped like a deer in headlights.
“You know if you are really that scared you should just leave.”
That was the last thing you remembered before the morning bell rang. You wiped away your tears taking a deep breath. You had done this before - pulled yourself together after a hard night to show up as the best version of yourself that you could give that day. It had been a daily routine in your last relationship. But today it felt extra daunting. You had become comfortable in your relationship with Melissa and never imagined having to go through this again. You somehow managed to pull yourself up hiding just inside your doorway to not be easily seen and started the day.
Melissa was angry and had been all morning. She had seen you standing just inside your classroom door greeting students and could tell that you were crumbling. Held together by a watery smile and the pure determination to do your job anyway. You hadn’t looked this way since the first week you had started at Abbott clinging at the final bits of your last relationship. Melissa had wanted to strangle the woman who had made your vibrant and bubbly personality turn cold. And now years later it was her who had made you feel that way.
She knew she couldn't talk to you like this. So angry at her own stupidity that her vision was clouded with red but she could talk to Janine. That much she could manage. Who she cornered right before the younger teacher could sneak too far from the lounge with her lunch and two drinks in hand.
“I called you last night,” Melissa said blocking Janine’s way.
“I didn't have my phone on me,” She responded truthfully. She had put it up when you had finally settled into her bed.
“It would have been nice to know you picked up Y/N. I was worried.”
“If she wanted me to tell you where she was I would have. But she didn't.”
“What did she tell you?” Melissa asked curiously.
“Nothing,” Janine shrugged.
“You lying to me pip squeak?” Melissa questioned gritting her teeth, “I have never once heard you to not ask a billion questions.”
“I think you forget Y/N and I have been friends for three years. I am the one who convinced her to come to Abbott in the first place. I was there during Kylee and watched as Y/N became a shell of herself. I pushed back then and she ran so far away I thought I lost her. I'm not risking it again,” Janine said bitterly.
“You saying I'm just as bad as that lousy stronza?”
“No I know you would never hurt her. Y/N knows that too and she talks about how safe you make her feel all the time. But neither of us even knows a fraction of what happened in that last relationship. You weren’t there Melissa. You had just started to let her in as a friend but I remember that last day. It was right before spring break. The frantic phone call and the screaming as she begged and begged. I was the one who met the ambulance at her apartment. It was a disaster. It was a like a bomb exploded…the broken table …the blood… the glass. My friend almost died that day. All over a stupid coffee mug that she dropped.”
And there it was. The flashback that had caused you to revert to a version of you that was so prickled with anxiety the only choice was survival. To do what was needed before being asked. To apologize and curl into yourself. Make yourself smaller to make the hits hurt less. A memory so deeply embedded in pain that you got buried in it before you even realized what was happening. It didn’t matter that it was Melissa on the other end of the moment this time all that matter was the last time this happened you suffered. Melissa hadn’t even tried to understand in that moment she had reacted purely on instinct and bad judgment.
“She never told me.”
“She never told anyone Melissa! Don’t you get that. I heard her screaming for help and I had to call the cops. It still haunts me every day and she still won't tell me what really happened” Janine said exasperated, “The only person who knows is her therapist and even I don’t fully believe Y/N when she told me that. Then, anytime I try to get her to open up, she only shuts down. So, I have learned to accept the pieces of her that she lets me see. One day maybe she will be ready and maybe she won't. I can’t change that. But I am not going to stop being her best friend just because she won't tell me everything. I don't need it to know I love her.”
“I love her too Janine…”
“Hold on what? Y/N told me last week y’all hadn't said it yet.”
“I just had been waiting till it felt like…”
“Like she wouldn't hear the words and run?” Janine scoffed as the older teacher shrugged, “She isn't perfect Melissa. Not even close, but she is trying and you treating her like she has to have it all together. Like she has to be this fully healed person when she may not even know who that person is anymore. She needs to know that you love her at this part of her life. Not the version of her in the future that may not even exist.”
Melissa didn't stop the tear that ran down her cheek Janine’s words hitting like a gut punch, “How do I fix it?”
Janine sighed, “I don't know Melissa. I can’t even get her to eat right now let alone figure out what she needs from you. But I think you should stay away. She isn't ready.”
“Can you at least give her this?” Melissa asked, handing over your phone and then her tub of heated-up mashed potatoes. “It’s her comfort food. You might be able to get her to at least have a bite.”
“Sure and I’m sorry Melissa. I should have told you where she was. You deserved that little comfort.”
And with that Janine took off down the hall. She slipped into your room as Melissa figured out how to pull herself together. She couldn’t believe how irrationally she had behaved. After all she had went through with Joe she thought she would have been more compassionate but instead she had been cruel. When Janine came in your room you were sitting in the dark staring into space. Your best friend put the phone down in front of you gently.
“Here is your phone Y/N now can I get you to eat some mashed potatoes. Hot out the microwave. You favorite,” Janine said quietly but with the usual cheer in her voice.
You looked down at your lock screen. The missed calls and texts from Melissa doing nothing to hide the picture. Melissa in her classroom the light perfectly capturing her radiant smile and the glimmer in her green eyes. Glasses high on her head curls twisting in her fingers as she pushed her chest forward. Light glinting of her necklaces tucked between her cleavage on display in her low cut pink shirt and black blazer. She looked like a goddess herself. You shoved the phone in your desk trying to erase it from memory.
“I'm not hungry.”
“Please Y/N, you barely ate this morning. One bite is all I'm asking,” Janine pleaded.
And the grumble in your stomach reminded you that you had left Melissa’s house before dinner. You grabbed the container taking 3 small bites and then handed it back. It wasn't enough Janine knew but in that moment she felt like she won the damn lottery. She spent the rest of lunch sitting next to you so you could rest your head on her shoulder.There was no talking just the reassuring presence that she would be there for you when you were ready.
When the final bell rang you went out for bus duty using the chaos to distract yourself from the darkness pressing in. It was a good plan till the last bus pulled away and the skies opened up. Rain fell in sheets soaking you immediately but you couldn't bring yourself to care. You merely walked to the small patch of grass by the parking lot and laid down. Hoping that maybe just maybe the rain could wash your pain and hurt away.
“Hey Schemmenti any reason your little cannoli is out laying in the rain?” Ava asked standing in the teacher’s doorway, “It’s pouring out there she gonna get sick and I'm already strapped for subs.”
“I'll go get her,” Melissa promised and rushed out the door.
She knew that she should have stayed away like Janine said but she couldn’t let you be alone. Especially when she saw you laying in the grass tears mixing with rain on your cheeks. Melissa laid on the ground next to you so your shoulders were touching. The rain fell around you in hard droplets that had started to become a familiar rhythm. Predictable in a way that was comforting till Melissa grabbed your hand and it seemed to shift.
“Hun’ I was worried about you all last night,” She said rubbing the back your hand, “I'm really sorry about how I acted. You did nothing wrong and I treated you like shit. Can we go inside and talk?”
“You’re going to get bored of me,” You replied already choking back tears.
“Why do you think that? Haven't gotten bored of ya yet,” Melissa replied. “We just had one bad night. After a whole year together, we're bound to have some.”
“Forgive me for being so cynical. It’s just that I feel this all once before,” you explained, “I get hurt. I feel pain. It’s always the same. Save yourself some time and go on and just break my heart. I'm already used to it.”
Melissa anger began to rear it’s ugly head again, “I'm not trying to break you heart Y/N but you won't give me the chance to prove myself. You are keeping me at arms length.I thought you trusted me.”
“I do but this is a burden no one should have to carry,” you admitted, “And I wish that I could just forget it all but I can’t. It’s too much to forget. And you aren’t giving me the chance to be scared and do it anyways. You act like I have to be fixed right at this very second.”
Melissa pondered for a moment why she wanted you to be fixed. Why it was so important to her. She had never been this devastated about the crap Joe put her through. Barely shed a tear. But then again that was the Schemmenti way. To pick up and keep going anyways. Maybe she was mad that you couldn't just get it together. But on a deeper level maybe just a little part of her was jealous that you were able to feel all these feelings and find a way to keep going. Instead of burying it so deep inside that letting go now might shatter you entirely. Melissa knew that if she faltered for a single moment she would snap in two.
When Melissa didn't answer you pulled your hand away and sat up turning from her, “Maybe we should take a break.”
“Wait, how did we jump to taking a break? I care a lot about you Y/N. I don't want a break,” Melissa said leaning up on her elbows.
“I care more about you than anything Melissa. But I don't think you understand who I am or why I do the things I do.”
“Then let me learn,” Melissa pleaded.
“I have been trying!” You snapped, “I tried and begged but you won't let your walls down enough to realize that we have a lot more in common than our favorite books and music. You expect me to be just like you and have it all together already. You don't want work to figure out how we can build something as a couple exactly the way that we are right now. We are supposed to be two perfect wholes in your eyes and I'm just not there yet. Maybe you deserve to find that whole somewhere else.”
You stood up and started walking back towards the school. Melissa too stunned to move just shouted, “How long is this break gonna last?”
You turned around throwing your arms up in defeat, “Melissa if I knew how long it was going to take to work past this hurt we wouldn't be having this conversation, would we?”
“I'm not going to find someone else like you Y/N,” Melissa said beginning to cry.
“That's the point Schemmenti! Find someone better.”
Melissa watched you disappear into the rain as she collapsed back onto the ground. You hadn’t called her Schemmenti since you had first started working together and hearing it stung. It stung to know that the only person Melissa had ever truly loved had slipped through her fingers. All because she was too scared to admit that maybe being broken was okay. Talking to the empty space around her, Melissa admitted, “No one else is going to better than you Y/N.”