Archive of Our Own ^beta

For the first time in almost a month, silence greeted Jihyo at the door.

No stylists calling her name, no managers checking her schedule, no bright lights or mirrored rooms or the sound of her own voice echoing through monitors... Just the familiar coconut scent of her fabric softener, the low buzz of the refrigerator, and the weight of her own exhaustion.

She wouldn't even bother turning on any lights. She needed this darkness desperately after spending almost every second of her last month under the burning set lights. Her temples ached by the thought of it.

She threw her car keys on the table, heels clacking on hardwood as she walked in like a ghost into her own home.

Normally, she'd strip the moment she stepped inside. She hated the feeling of her outside clothes, especially the ones she wore during the schedules. She would kick off the boots, toss the jacket to the side, tie her hair up and head straight to the gym, or maybe clean out the fridge she hadn’t touched in a week. But tonight she felt like if she ever tried any of those, she would break apart out of exhaustion. Tonight, the leather stayed on. The thigh-highs too. Her body had given all it could as always, maybe more, and her mind was one wrong thought away from short circuiting.

She sank into the soft couch –something she hadn’t done in weeks. She didn’t have to hold her posture anymore, she didn’t need to keep the tension. It was just her and the gravity. Thank god.

The remote of her TV was somewhere, probably under the cushion or on the kitchen counter. She didn’t even care. Her phone was closer. She unlocked it with her thumb that still had traces of glitter and started scrolling without thinking.

She groaned at the feeling, thinking about how badly she'd been craving for this moment. She'd been missing out on all of her favorite dramas, YouTube shows, hanging out with friends –even the members, missing out on her gym schedule –but she somehow ended up working out harder because of that choreography... It was hectic in the worst way possible. The only thing that kept her grounded was knowing that it would pay off, perfectly. She'd been working her ass off for this. There stood no chance of failure. Igyonae.

Her body folded into the soft couch with the stiffness of overworked muscles, the tightness in her thighs reminding her just how long she’d kept the boots on. She didn’t move to take them off. It felt like even that silly couch would miss her. They have been apart for too long.

After a break that almost felt too long, both their group activities and her solo preparations would start –at almost the same time; and all of a sudden she didn’t even know what her house smelled like anymore. Her expensive scent was gone, fridge was empty, her plants were neglected –as if they were treated any better before. 

And it wasn't even over yet. Not until the comeback week's weight got lifted off of her shoulders.

At least she would have a solid day before it all started again, and she had no desire of wasting that day sulking and being lazy. She could finally see Sejeong, maybe, or she could sort out the clothes she'd been planning to give out. Tonight? Tonight could be an exception.

As she kept scrolling, she realized her phone screen lit up too bright in the dark, but she didn’t even have any energy left to blink. Her thumb moved on instinct, swiping past unread messages she didn’t bother opening. Normally, she competed with the light speed answering texts –just because her managers made sure she didn't ignore them like Nayeon did. For the first time, she swiped them away like crumbs off a table. Not tonight. 

Her fingers ended up on YouTube in muscle memory. The silence was getting annoying already, so a short drama could've worked. Maybe the noise would keep her awake just long enough to make it to the shower. Maybe she didn’t want to think at all. Her mind was struggling to pick up anything rather than shapes and colors. So she scrolled.

Vlog, comeback teaser, dance challenge, behind-the-scenes, last TTT episode, Sana's Fridge Interview –which she had already seen, music video, another vlog...

Her thumb slowed, then stopped.

Miyeon and Sana’s Guam Trip.

There she was. Right in the thumbnail, standing next to Miyeon with the smile that never needed effort to sweep her off of her feet, the one that made every single person want to smile back without knowing why. Sweetheart.

Jihyo’s jaw tensed.

She remembered Sana sending the group chat a few photos, casually updating them here and there. Something about the beach, something about the food. But thirty eight minutes of footage? Two full days spent together? And this was only part one?

Miyeon was a lucky girl.

Jihyo wasn’t.

She was stupid, so stupid for never having even half of Miyeon’s boldness. Miyeon was so casually flirty, so smooth with her timing, so romantic in a way Jihyo couldn’t even chalk up to friendship anymore. And Jihyo? She was still Sana’s close friend, occasionally sister, her leader, her group member. But that was it. 

The video would start playing before she even realized she’d tapped it. The sound was far too loud in the quiet apartment. In a normal day that loud would bring her peace; but this would somehow sting.

“I'm going on a trip, so let me introduce my friend–” Miyeon’s laugh leaked through the speakers, followed by a breathless giggle that Jihyo didn’t even need to look at the screen to recognize.

Sana looked so happy. More relaxed and comfortable than Jihyo had ever seen on camera. Cheeks flushed from the sun, or maybe from the closeness between her and Miyeon as they leaned into frame, touching each other all the time like it meant nothing.

Jihyo blinked. She felt the weight of her boots again. Then came the stickiness of sweat under leather. This ache in her chest wasn't the trace of her deadly schedule, and she knew that.

She should’ve showered, then slept –should’ve done anything other than sitting here, watching this. At least she didn’t mean to watch for that long.

She told herself she’d stop after five minutes. Then after ten. But the seconds bled into each other, and her exhaustion dulled all of her defenses. It was easier to stay still, to let the footage play and pretend she felt nothing.

Miyeon’s voice filtered through the speakers again, all giggly and charming. “—When Sana talks, I end up listening to everything. Normally, I’m not like that, right?”

Jihyo froze.

“Is this what it feels like to have a girlfriend? I feel like I want to listen to everything she says.”

That one hit her like a punch to the gut.

Not the words, but the ease of them. The idea that someone could say that about Sana out loud so shamelessly, without fear of ruining something that was built strong in ten years.

Of course, Miyeon could string together those words and not feel like she was losing something in the process. She could say them and mean them, and be allowed to.

Jihyo’s throat closed up before she could take her next breath. Her vision blurred, but it wasn’t from tiredness anymore. It was grief. Heavy in her chest, as if something was dying slowly inside her.

Because she had thought those things too, more than a thousand times. Every time Sana spoke, every time she smiled, every time she leaned close, every time she kissed, every time she called Jihyo her partner... Jihyo listened. She always did. She remembered it all, even the things Sana forgot five minutes later.

But she had never said them out loud. Because she didn't just carry a love unanswered, it was the weight of eight other people; their lives, their carriers, their reputation. She didn’t get to be selfish like that.

The phone left her hand with no grace, landing somewhere with a dull thud she didn’t hear. Her hands were already covering her face, fingers pressed hard into her skin as if she could push the feelings back in. But it was too late because they were everywhere.

Ten years. She had loved Sana for ten fucking years.

Long enough to memorize every version of her laugh, enough to recognize when she was faking one. Long enough to fall so deeply, so silently that there was no line between love and friendship anymore. It was a mess.

She couldn’t even remember the moment she accepted she was in love anymore. It could've been many things: when she first greeted her in Japanese with the brightest smile; after her silly solo performance during Sixteen; as they stayed in the same dorm an Sana cooked for her when she fell sick, or something completely irrelevant. It's been so long and had happened so naturally that the lines would blur together, until Jihyo was left but nothing but an endless ache for Sana on her chest.

Sana was made for her, and she didn't need a better reason. She knew that she wouldn't be able to look at anyone else and say “I want this” so bluntly. She knew that she couldn't bare with the thought of bonding unless Sana was her partner. She knew just enough.

The fans loved it. They loved the teasing, pet names, hugs, kisses, glances... "Partners," they called it. It was just great fan service, at least for Sana. For Jihyo, nothing in her life ever felt more real than those loving moments they shared.

But there was always something missing. Because Jihyo had never known what to do with her feelings –not when Sana was like that with everyone. That flirty smile, a mind blowing touch, a hug that is too intense, that voice like sugar... It made Jihyo feel special until she saw Sana use it on someone else and realized maybe she wasn’t. It was just Sana. Nation's princess, ultimate bias material; with her easygoing nature and natural aegyo it was so easy to love her. And Sana found it pretty easy too, loving people. Jihyo wasn’t an exception.

She curled into herself on the couch, knees pulled tight to her chest, arms wrapped around them like some shield against the bricks life's been throwing at her. This comfy couch had always been a place to rest, but tonight it felt like a prison.

The leather clung to her skin, still warm from the stage lights and the adrenaline. Now it was suffocating, sticky, heavy. Moving felt impossible.

It should’ve faded by now. That’s what people said heartbreak did, dissapeared over time, growing easier to manage. But this never left. It just got better at disguising itself in their everyday routine.

She imagined it sometimes. A version of them in a small town. No cameras, no stylists, no stages, no scripts. Just two young girls falling in love over shared coffee or a dropped book. Somewhere Jihyo could hold her hand in public and not worry about career shuttering rumors. Where she could kiss her without thinking of headlines. Where she wouldn't have to pretend. But there she was, still clinging into that two pecks Sana'd given her when she was too drunk for her own good, and nothing else.

It's been too long to stay so quiet, but she just couldn't say it as if their carefully built lives were a children's toy. It was scary.

Because the stakes were too high. Because Sana was happy. Because they had a group to protect. Because seeing Mina and Chaeyoung trying to get over each other silently would hurt them all enough already. Because if Sana didn’t feel the same, unlike their other members who managed to move on, Jihyo knew she’d lose her completely.

So she chose safety. She always did, throughout her whole life. It was almost like a habit now. However, when Sana was in mention, she was still struggling.

She would get used to hearing about Sana's flings with time, both with women and men; she would get used to her talking so casually about her type, the positions she liked; about how much she enjoyed last night... Jihyo would learn to get used to those even though it still hurt, knowing that in the end they never lasted long.

But this shattered her: Hearing someone else saying the things she had rehearsed in her head for years. Someone else was holding space Jihyo had kept empty in case Sana ever wanted it.

She buried her face in her knees.

Maybe this was just her fate. To be the one who loved the hardest, for the longest time without even letting anyone know; the quietest. Even Jeongyeon and Nayeon who knew practically everything about her would be shocked if they ever found out about this. She'd been hiding like a chameleon fighting for her life. Hiding behind jokes, behind her good looking boyfriends that never last longer than three months, behind sex with imagination of her pretty face on mind, and even behind Momo who just wanted her too violently to be ignored.

She hid behind anything to not look like the girl who was in love with her best friend.

The truth was there: She was always destined to be a shoulder to cry on, a trusted leader; but never a heart to be loved by Sana.

Well, she had made her own choices. All alone. She couldn't blame this pain on anyone else rather than herself.

And those choices would lead her here: alone on a couch at midnight, with makeup still on her face and suffocating leather everywhere, hugging her like a cage she didn’t know how to take off. Just because of a YouTube video.

Accept it, take a breath; build a fucking bridge and get over it.

She didn’t know when she closed her eyes. Nonetheless, she was drifting somewhere between sleep and wakefulness when something started buzzing. Then the ringtone exploded through the silence.

She jumped like she’d been slapped, the sound cutting through the fog in her head. Her hand flew out instinctively, eyes still closed, fumbling over the edge of the couch until her fingers finally closed around the device with anger. It was almost 1 a.m., who would even call her, on her day off too?

She blinked hard against the screen’s glow.

Oh. It was Sana.

Oh.

Sana had always felt when something was off in Jihyo's life, as if she could hear something breaking from miles away. She would joke about being soulmates because of that; but after hearing her say the same thing for Miyeon today, it didn’t sound truthful anymore.

She didn't waste a second picking it up, slightly concerned by the timing. Sana was someone who stayed up late often, but she usually preferred texts at this hour. Calls were rare.

Sana’s familiar voice came through the phone, a little too bright at first —like she’d been laughing just seconds ago. That was enough to relax her tensed muscles, realizing that she was indeed okay. “Jakkung,” Sana said, dragging the name out like it was a secret. “Are you home? I heard you wrapped the music video shoot today.”

Jihyo’s eyes narrowed at the white ceiling, trying not to say something rude she’d regret later. “Yeah.” There was a pause, but the silence didn’t last long before Sana asked, in all sweetness, “Can I come over?”

Jihyo sat up fully now, still half-asleep, trying to process. She was trying her best to sound affectionate, really. In the end Sana hadn’t done anything wrong. But something kept poking at her chest, the words came out a little harsher than intended.

“It’s past one, Sana.”

“I know,” Sana whined, like she’d been rehearsing the answer. Some alcohol must’ve clung to her enough to make her miss the apparent shift in Jihyo’s usual tone. “I was at dinner and had a little wine. I’m not drunk, just… didn’t feel like going home. I’m really close to yours. May I?"

Didn’t feel like being alone, was what she meant. Jihyo knew that tone. She would come over sometimes, even without warning. They’d talk until the sun seeped through the curtains, then fall asleep cuddling until one of their alarms flared just an hour later for their schedules.

Any other night, Jihyo would’ve softened instantly. She always did. But tonight, the weight of Miyeon’s voice still echoed in her skull and split it open like a killing headache: “Is this what it feels like to have a girlfriend?”

And now that very same girl was calling like it didn’t mean anything, like Jihyo wasn’t still trying to breathe through the frustration. Great. Jihyo pinched the bridge of her nose. “You’re not driving, are you?”

“No, I took a cab.” She paused after speaking almost melodically, probably trying to put the Korean words together in her own little drunken world. “Jihyo, I just… I want to be with you tonight.”

Jihyo swallowed, trying not to overthink that heart shattering sentence. Drunk Sana was always like this. Just a little more affectionate than usual. She’d look at you with those puppy eyes and ask for a kiss on the lips, or a cuddle, or spooning, or sweet words to help her fall asleep; Jihyo would do whatever she asked for. This was just Sana. And those words or actions didn’t mean anything Jihyo needed them to.

“Fine,” she said, sighing through her exhaustion. Her body was seconds away from shutting down, and she had no idea if her system could carry the weight of Sana’s presence tonight. But she was never good at saying no to her. “The password’s the same.”

Just a couple minutes after they hung up, Jihyo heard the soft beep of her front door unlocking before she even had the strength to sit up. Of course Sana wouldn't wait for her to say yes before taking the cab here. Because she always knew Jihyo would let her in.

The door creaked open and clicked shut with a familiarity that belonged more to a roommate than a guest. The soft steps filled the space, and she could already hear the energy bouncing off her dead gray walls like sunshine breaking into the darkness. “Hey, why it's all dark in here?”

“Jagi-ya?” Sana sang, a little dizzy but still too delighted to be here at this hour. She turned on all the lights, one by one until she made it to the living room. There, she kept the lights off. Hallway glow slipping through the open door and bleeding into the room was just enough. “It smells so nice here —ugh, is that vanilla and cedarwood candles again? You promised you would get me one.”

She was already shedding her trench coat by the time she passed the kitchen counter. The faint scent of wine –alongside her Prada perfume Jihyo personally adored– followed her. She was clearly more drunk than she had claimed, even by the way she walked shakily.

Jihyo sat still on the couch, head tilted back, eyes almost closing with fatigue. But there she was, with a presence that almost promised everything would be okay.

That was the prettiest girl Jihyo had ever seen in her life. She looked heavenly, wearing just a white blouse and black skirt; milk white legs glowing beautifully under the same light that made Jihyo look like a mess. She could feel the walls she had carefully rebuilt over the years were now shaking in her chest just by looking at her drunk stance. 

Sana’s steps came closer. “You must be dead tired, poor thing.” She said, her voice was warm and a little teasing as she walked near. “My busy solo star, filming and dancing and looking sooo hot every second.”

Then came the motion Jihyo had been too used to. Sana plopped right down onto her lap without warning, giggling as if it was their everyday thing, as if Sana came home to her every night like this. Jihyo’s body stiffened under her, but she didn’t pull back. It's been weeks too long since their group schedules wrapped up for the comeback, and their little dates were already too rare. She'd missed this.

Sana brushed a few caramel colored strands of hair off of Jihyo’s cheek, eyes trailing over her outfit, “God, you didn’t even change yet?” she whispered, half impressed, half dissapointed. “You look like a rockstar.”

Her fingers were already working at the front of Jihyo’s jacket, slowly unzipping it like a child peeling a present. “Let me help. You’re all hot and damp in here.” She smiled, brushing her fingertips over the dip between her collarbones. “Fuck, literally.”

Jihyo’s breath faltered, she tried so hard not to moan. Feeling Sana's long press on nails go around her sweaty body with zero hesitation made her feel dizzy. 

This is nothing new, she told herself. Sana did this all the time. She draped herself across her members like they were her bed, flirted shamelessly, touched like she didn’t know what space meant. But still.

Something felt different when she leaned in, pressing soft, lazy kisses on the exposed skin of Jihyo’s chest and neck. This wasn’t just affectionate, it carried some lust too. Her hands wrapped around Jihyo’s shoulders, gripping and nailing with enough force to send all the wrong signals to Jihyo's brain. Was she just horny? Why wouldn't she just go to Momo then, like she always have.

“It’s a lucky boy who gets to have all these,” Sana murmured against her skin, fingers tracing the slope of Jihyo’s built shoulders like she wanted them for herself, like they were unfamiliar terrain she wanted to map with her hands. She held there a second longer than necessary, squeezing. Jihyo cursed under her breath, no, this was definitely too much. She dreamed of this too many times to let it pass by like a casual skinship of two best friends, how could she?

She wanted to grab Sana by the waist, crash their mouths together like the world was ending in minutes, whisper it should’ve been me against her lips. It should’ve been me you spent your off days with. She wanted to pin her there and make her understand. Make her feel the ten years of sacrifice.

And still, another part of her wanted to shove her away, scream until her throat bled, Why? Why not me, why? Why her instead of me? Why do you let everyone touch you like this and look right through me?

But she didn’t do that either. She sat frozen, letting Sana touch and tease and worship a body she would never fully claim. Hoping it would pass soon, praying she wouldn’t die from how much she wanted it not to. “Sana-yah,” she hardly brought herself to whispering, “You're too drunk, baby, let me take you to bed.”

Sana pulled back, finally, the sloppy warmth of her mouth leaving Jihyo’s tan shoulder. She looked up at her with a pout and glossy eyes, lips still parted like she wasn’t quite done with Jihyo yet. Her fingers slid down the seam of her leader's jacket like she might change her mind and make her keep going. Jihyo looked back at her eyes, then her lips; seriously considering trapping them into hers and never letting go until Sana said so.

But then, all of a sudden her expression changed. “Oh! Wait, wait!” Sana said suddenly, remembering something too important to ignore. Her tone was brighter now, playfully drunk in the way that made her look younger. “I totally forgot! I was supposed to show you something.”

She shifted off Jihyo’s lap in one ungraceful, messy motion that made her skirt bunch up dangerously, giggling as she fumbled around the couch. Jihyo watched her in silence, trying to not stare at the stupidly tiny lace thong she'd seen Sana wear only a couple times before, chest heaving fastly. Her lap felt cold and lonely now. Come back.

Sana reached down between the cushions and pulled out Jihyo’s phone like it belonged to her. Her thumb moved quickly, unlocking the phone by entering the group's mutual passcode without hesitation.

“There was this new post on group’s Instagram about your comeback,” Sana said, “Also Momo said she tagged you in something but you didn't see—”

Her voice cut off. Because the screen hadn’t opened to the home page. YouTube was left open and right there was her own smile in Guam’s sunlight. Sana blinked, her fingers stilling on the screen. Her brows lifted slightly, but she didn’t seem thrown. It felt more like she was flattered.

“Oh,” she murmured. “You were watching this?” She looked up at Jihyo again, smile creeping back onto her lips; half teasing, half touched. “I didn’t think you kept up with these.”

Jihyo said nothing. She was still trying to get her breathing right. Still trying to ignore the way her stomach dropped. Sana seemed to notice before taking the lead again. “I mean,” she continued softly, “You never even watch your own things. Did you like the vlog?”

She felt herself suffering under the pressure of that question. Well, it was a simple question. But it felt like a knife twisted into Jihyo’s ribs.

 She could've lied. She should've lied. She could say she liked it, say she hadn’t finished it, say it was just autoplay, say she’d opened it by mistake. But her heart was too loud.

“I think you took it a little too far,” she said, her voice careful. Truth wasn’t really pleasing most of the time and the last thing she wanted was losing Sana into a stupid fight because of her own words. “People are going to think you’re seriously dating her.”

Sana’s smile instantly faded. This definitely wasn't the answer she'd been expecting to hear from her leader. “Too far?”

“You were holding her like that,” Jihyo continued, not able to hold back her thoughts once she started. “All the compliments, the way you looked at her, the things you said... It didn’t look like a friendly trip, it looked like something else.”

Sana tilted her head, blinking slowly. The alcohol hadn’t left her system, but the frustration was enough to pull her back into the reality.

“I didn’t realize I needed permission,” she said, voice softer now, but not in the way Jihyo liked. She wasn’t angry, not yet. But the disappointment was there. It was the same disappointment she remembered from some other nights. Like when Sana would try to kiss her and she’d turn her head, or like those times when Sana would say you’re so pretty when you’re annoyed, and Jihyo would just force herself to laugh instead of flirting back.

Jihyo leaned her head back against the couch, staring at the ceiling again. The lights were still off. She wished the whole world was.

She didn’t need to think before confirming. “Of course you don’t. You don’t need anyone's permission. Not the company's, not mine.”

“Then what’s this about?”

Jihyo leaned her head back on the couch, exhaling through her nose. Her temples were aching. Playing all her bitchy and conservative leader cards against Sana wasn't fair. But her jealousy was getting to her. “It’s about what people will think. It’s about how it looks.”

“How it looks?” Sana asked, eyebrows drawing in slightly. Nothing could have prepared Jihyo for what she was about to say. “Just like how it looked when half of the nation were talking about how well your buff boyfriend must've been fucking you?”

The words hit Jihyo like a punch to the gut. It was far too personal, whatever they couldn’t have with that man. She sat up straighter without meaning to, her eyes locking onto Sana’s, not with anger but shock. The only thing she could think was, I made her say that.

She had pushed too far. She had drawn out this version of Sana, raw and reckless and hurting enough to throw her worst words like they wouldn’t leave scars.

Jihyo knew that it wasn’t all wrong, she was ready to accept and then forgive it. But Sana wasn’t willing to stop.

“Oh, or like the time we had to find a new guitarist mid-tour just because you couldn’t keep it together with the unnie?”

“I don’t— I’ve never—” Jihyo stammered, the words catching in her throat before they could make sense. She hadn’t seen that one coming. That was supposed to stay buried, forgotten like it never happened.

How did Sana even know? And how could she throw it out like that, so casually, like it hadn’t been one of the darkest weeks of Jihyo’s life?

"Of course," Sana spitted. “You don't like women, I know, you made it clear to me a million times, miss perfectly perfect.” Sana waved her hand, looking right into Jihyo’s browns. “You know? Hotel walls are thin. You weren't exactly quiet when she was touching you, leader-nim.”

Sana scoffed quietly, looking away like she regretted it already. Like it came out sharper than intended. But she couldn’t take it back. She was sick of this 'I don't like women' lie everytime they got too vulnerable. Sana understood, really, she accepted it by now. Jihyo loved women, she just didn’t want Sana. 

Jihyo laughed. It wasn’t a happy sound. It sounded hollow. “Wow,” she said. “So we’re pulling cards now.”

“You started it,” Sana said, “You always do this. I get close to someone, and suddenly it’s too far. You don’t want me, but God forbid anyone else gets to. I film a vlog with my best friend, and suddenly it’s not friendly anymore. Why is it okay when it’s you?”

Jihyo looked at her like she could barely recognize her.

Sana had always been the softest with her, like Jihyo was made of glass and one wrong word might leave a crack. Even when they fought, even in the worst of moods, she never let it get this far. She never aimed the wound. Jihyo tilted her head to the side slowly, eyes narrowing in pain that came from knowing that. “Don’t do that.”

Sana finally looked at her again with fire in her eyes. Her voice was quieter now, but it didn’t soften enough to make Jihyo feel eased. “Then tell me what to do. Because right now it just sounds a lot like jealousy. Jealousy of how far I managed to take things by myself —and my leader, my best friend is speaking badly of it instead of congratulating me.”

Jihyo’s nails pressed into the couch, keeping her body still while her mind spun. Jealousy. The ugliest truth she had spent ten years hiding behind silence, fan service, and sarcasm. Of course it was jealousy, but not the kind Sana thought of.

She was proud of her. God, she was so proud. The kind of proud that made her cry behind the monitors during Sana’s center stages; the kind that felt like both pride and grief, mixed until she couldn’t tell which was which.

Couldn’t Sana see? Couldn’t she understand? Maybe it wasn’t all Jihyo’s fault. Because how could Sana who saw everything could be so blind?

She swallowed hard, blinking up at the ceiling like maybe the words she needed were written there, waiting. But there was nothing. Just silence, and the sound of her own heart breaking. She knew, in the wreckage, the only thing left to do was be honest.

“You act like what you do doesn’t affect me,” Jihyo said, finally. This time, she let the betrayed lover inside her speak up for the first time. “Like that vlog wasn’t her falling for you on camera. You were laughing like you belonged to her.” Instead of me.

“I don’t fucking belong to anyone,” Sana snapped. She pushed herself closer to Jihyo on couch, waving a finger at her. “You’re being too much and I’m the drunk one here?” She scoffed, closing her eyes for a breath. “I’ll let this go because you’re tired. But seriously, cut it. At least make sure you can look me in the face tomorrow.”

Sana stood up and stopped there for a second, shoulders rising and falling with adrenaline. The fight was settling in her chest slowly, ruining the friendship they carefully built together throughout the years. She couldn’t leave like this. So she glanced over her shoulder with a voice softer now. “Should I sleep on the couch tonight?”

Jihyo didn’t answer. Because how would she know? They never slept apart. Not once, not when Sana came over like this. They would crawl into Jihyo’s large bed, limbs brushing in the dark, sharing one pillow like they only had one.

But Sana took the silence as a yes and turned her back, whispering, “I’ll grab some blankets.”

She’d only just started to walk away when Jihyo moved. It was sudden, almost clumsy– boots hitting the floor. She didn’t think, she just reached out, fingers wrapping around Sana’s wrist before the distance between them could grow any bigger. She felt desperate. Her body moved all on instinct, all on need and heartbreak that clung to her for years.

Sana froze mid-step, her breath shortening as if she forgot how to do it properly.

Jihyo stood in front of her now, almost taller because of her heels, eyes glistening with unshed tears, jaw tight like she was trying not to cry. Her grip wasn’t rough but it was firm enough to make her stay, like if she let Sana go —let her sleep without her tonight— something between them would end beyond repair.

Sana wasn’t given any time to make sense of what was happening. She still felt too drunk to keep up with Jihyo's fast moves. All she could see was this weird look in her leader's big, beautiful eyes.

Behind those eyes, fuck this, it's now or never, was all Jihyo was thinking. I already ruined it, this can't get any worse. She let go of her wrist but this time reached for her front, hands finding the silk of Sana’s blouse, pulling her close in one swift move.

The kiss landed as just a press of lips first, a little amateurish, flesh meeting flesh, raw like it had been held back for years. Because it had. Jihyo held this back in every concert Sana leaned playfully close, every night she stayed over with chest pressed right onto hers, every hug they shared in the car they drove home together after schedules. It had been too long, and Jihyo had never fucked their friendship up so badly before.

Sana didn’t move at first. Her fists stayed clenched at her sides with shock. But when she exhaled a couple seconds later, her mouth parting against Jihyo’s; the kiss suddenly deepened. Jihyo felt the whole room spin around her.

It was messy. Teeth bumped, noses brushed too harshly as they gasped. Jihyo couldn’t believe what she’d done. Couldn’t believe this was real –her lips on Sana’s, her best friend of ten years, her beloved member, and just like that there was no turning back. For the first time she felt like this could be the beginning of something, and not the end.

Because Sana kissed like she was born for it. Her lips were soft and warm and completely overwhelming with the taste of wine. She could now see why her exes kept calling her back, because this woman was heaven. And now that Jihyo knew the taste of it, she would be down to anything. She could be her Momo if she just wanted to touch, they could be two best friends who kissed each other... She didn’t care as long as Sana kept holding her by the chin like this. She would tilt her head just right, take control in the perfectly instead of pulling back, make Jihyo whimper without even trying. She kissed like she already knew how Jihyo liked it. Like she’d been waiting for this, too.

Jihyo’s hands found Sana’s waist, then her back, then her neck until they cupped her face. She wanted to sink into her skin, tell her without words that she was hers, had always been hers, no matter how much it hurt to admit.

Jihyo let out a quiet sound into Sana’s mouth, something between a gasp and a sob. This was really happening. And Sana wasn’t pulling away. She kept kissing her like she’d known this all along, like her mouth had been waiting for Jihyo’s.

Then, against her lips, Sana whispered, “I hate you.” Jihyo froze. “I hate you for waiting until everything got ruined to do this,” Sana said, her voice breaking as she tried to breathe. “So this is why you were being such a bitch about it?”

Jihyo just nodded at first, the words she thought of before suddenly failing to form into sentences. She searched for something to say, something that could hold ten years of silence and longing, —but nothing even came close. So instead, she kissed her again. It was open mouthed, desperate in a way she couldn’t control. With one arm wrapped around Sana’s waist, keeping her close; the other brushed her cheek with a thumb, trembling as she memorized the softness of it.

Sana pressed their bodies impossibly close, hips meeting hips, and Jihyo felt herself get taken over by an aching need only Sana could soothe. Her teeth found Sana’s lower lip, dragging it gently, and Sana let out a load moan. A moan Jihyo wanted to put on loop and listen to all day; because it wasn't a moan another person had caused and Jihyo had happened to hear behind the thin dorm walls, it was a moan given by Jihyo herself.

“It took me ten years to do this,” Jihyo whispered between kisses, her voice was still husky with need. “Ten years of sharing you with everyone and never once having you for myself. I thought I was protecting you. And now I’ve gone and ruined it, after all this time trying not to.”

Sana reached up to touch her face, but her hand was trembling so much. She shook her head slowly, like she couldn’t bear to hear this. It was too much, too close to the dreams she never let herself believe.

So Jihyo had been hiding this all along? All those years Sana had tried to get through to her, praying for a kiss that never came even while falling into someone else’s arms just to stop wanting her so badly.

“I’m sorry,” Jihyo said, shaking her head, her forehead pressing against Sana’s, eyes closed. She was still not taking the hint, and Sana thought she was so, so stupid for that. “I’m so sorry. I know I messed it all up. But please… just let me hold you for a little while. Until I can figure out how to let go, so we can still make it work for the sake of the membe–”

Sana was just so done with her.

She pushed Jihyo back onto the couch, sharp and sudden, then snapped with a finger pointed right at her face. Jihyo looked up, chest rising and falling too fastly, eyes trying to read Sana’s next move, but it was impossible.

“You are so, so stupid,” Sana said, and climbed her lap. This time, different than how she normally did; she straddled her fully, legs bracketing Jihyo’s hips, their bodies pressed close in a way that felt almost too much. “Can’t you see how badly I’ve wanted you? For years?” Her voice broke into a whisper. “Even when you made it very clear you didn’t like women. Even when you pushed me away every time I tried to be anything more than your friend. Huh? Are you seriously that stupid?”

Jihyo’s hands moved up to Sana’s waist because she didn’t know what else to do, and she needed to hold onto something to know this was real.

Her heart was pounding so loud that she could barely hear herself think. All those times when the members teased Sana for being all over Jihyo, all those touches they shared on and off camera, all those promises and sweet words they had exchanged... was real? Sana was all sweet and giggly with everyone but she was the lucky one who got to have the rawest part of her to herself? No, it didn’t feel real.

Sana.

All this time.

And she’d missed it.

All of it.

Ten years of burying what she felt, believing she was keeping Sana safe, only to find out she’d been pushing her away from exactly what they both wanted.

Jihyo stared up at her, lips parted in disbelief. The words just wouldn't come. She was stunned. Completely, helplessly stunned.

The silence must've been too much when Sana huffed out a laugh, bitter and breathless. “Of course you don’t have anything to say when it comes to speaking the truth.”

She started to shift off of her lap, humiliated, the weight of her own confession collapsing on her. But Jihyo’s hands tightened, holding her still in place.

“No,” she finally said, her voice rough. “No, don’t move. Please.” Sana didn’t. “I thought I was protecting you,” Jihyo continued, her voice almost a whisper. “I thought if I stayed quiet, if I kept my feelings buried, you’d be safe. You’d get to have the life you wanted without the mess of… me.”

“But you are what I wanted,” Sana said with dissapoinment. “You always were.”

The words landed like a punch. Jihyo’s eyes stung. She closed them, and a tear slipped down before she could stop it. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, not trusting her strong voice this time. That apology wasn’t enough, but it was all she had.

She didn’t even know what kind of sorry it was. Sorry for hurting Sana with wrong accusations, sorry for taking so long, sorry for being too afraid to reach for the one thing she wanted most. She wasn’t even sure if she was crying out of happiness or grief; for finally having her, or for all the years she’d wasted pretending she didn’t want to.

“I was scared,” she added, and the words tasted bitter. Because it wasn’t just fear of rejection. It was fear of consequences. It was about the spotlight they both lived under, of what it meant to love another woman when their careers had always demanded perfection. Of course, Sana didn't have the same concern. She was fearless, always doing whatever her heart desired without thinking of the consequences. But Jihyo couldn't neglect her responsibilities.

She’d spent her whole life taking care of others as the one who fixed mistakes, she was the one who always had the answers. But when it came to Sana, she'd only run —for almost ten long years.

And now Sana was looking at her like she already forgave her, like she hadn’t changed everything without leaving a possibility of turning back to where they started.

Sana’s hand came up as if she'd felt her concern, fingers brushing gently across Jihyo’s cheek, catching the tear that lingered there. They didn't have to think about the future now, it could wait. “Stop talking,” she murmured, a faint smile taking over her lips. She could feel Jihyo’s thigh right between her legs, and it reminded her of whatever she'd been craving for, for so long. “It's okay, just kiss me now. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, hmm?”

Jihyo obeyed, she didn’t have anything better to do.

She kissed her slowly, with everything she’d been holding back. Without panic or fear, knowing that they still had tomorrow to themselves. Well, she knew they would still wake up tomorrow in the same world, with the same expectations, the same weight on their shoulders. But for now, they could pretend it was all perfect. That they didn’t have to think about anyone else but each other.

Sana’s hands were already roaming across her body, careful at first, then bolder as they found their way back to her shoulders. She finally pushed the jacket off, letting it slide to the couch without a second thought, revealing Jihyo’s matching leather bralette that cupped her breasts so perfectly –it almost felt unfair.

Sana stared. She didn’t even try to hide it.

She leaned in again just to kiss her, slow and deep, only to stop herself from saying something too hungry, too soon. Because she had been dreaming of this.

Every time Jihyo showed off those muscles, wore something a little too revealing, let Sana touch her back just because she wanted to —Sana had imagined this. Sitting on her lap, grinding desperately down Jihyo’s revealed thigh, kissing her shiny shoulders while her fingers trembled with the effort not to take more.

“Sana,” Jihyo moaned her name, and Sana closed her eyes with a desperate whimper. “I need to wash up, baby, I stink–” Jihyo's body betrayed her words, cupping Sana's ass under the skirt that already revealed too much. It didn’t help her Sana slow down, at all.

“You don't,” Sana whispered, and pressed a kiss on Jihyo's chest after pushing her long, straightened hair back. It would grow so much. “Instead, I keep wondering how your scent is always so calming –even after spending the whole day in this disgusting leather.” Jihyo hissed, feeling her whole body tense when the older woman nuzzled her neck. 

She never imagined Sana as someone who could get so dirty even after hearing about her little flings. She's always been a princess, fragile princess of a group of nine. Jihyo would always imagine her getting whiny and needy under someone else's hands, imagine how she would practically break under her gaze if they ever happened. She knew Sana was whiny like that, but apparently that wasn't the only number she kept on her sleeves. Here she was, possessively adoring every inch of Jihyo. She was truly a dream, god, how did she even get so lucky?

“Bedroom–” Jihyo gasped, feeling Sana's teeth sink into her neck. “I have a schedule in two days, stop...” Her tone was begging, but Sana didn’t listen to her. She never cared about those things, never cared about what people thought of her, making the makeup artist struggle with all of her hickeys, all the time.

Of course she wouldn't care about giving Jihyo one. She deserved it, if nothing. After hiding for so long, and accusing her of being with Miyeon as if her heart didn’t belong to her since forever; she deserved to hurt a little, in a delightful way.

“You're impossible, you know that, right?” Jihyo whispered, voice low against Sana’s skin. Then, without waiting for an answer, she gripped Sana firmly by the thighs and pushed herself up from the couch, lifting her in one fluid, breathless motion. The soft groan she let out was enough to get Sana dizzy.

Sana gasped, surprised —and maybe a little overwhelmed— by how effortlessly it happened. Jihyo was strong. She knew that. She'd watched her train, seen the hours poured into building that body, admired it in silence more times than she could count. So, this was what it felt like.

Jihyo’s arms held her like she weighed nothing, but her grip was anything but casual, nails digging into the soft flesh of her thighs. As they moved through the hall, Sana buried her face into her neck, then her lips still brushing Jihyo’s tense shoulder, still leaving open mouthed reminders that she was here, finally, like this. 

She’d been carried by her before; when she was drunk, when they were on stage, when the exhaustion hit Sana, or when they were just happily laughing. But not like this. Not when their bodies were burning. Not when every step Jihyo took towards the bedroom felt like they were finally crossing a line that had been waiting for them their whole lives.

Sana was about to lose her fucking mind.

The second they reached the edge of Jihyo’s bed —the same bed they’d always shared for innocent, sleepy cuddles— Jihyo threw her onto the mattress without a word. The soft bounce made Sana gasp again, her body sinking into the familiar sheets, but everything about it felt foreign now. She tried to prop herself up on her elbows, to see why Jihyo wasn’t on her yet; but when she looked up, she immediately regretted it. Because Jihyo looked too good to be true.

She was a beautiful mess, fighting with the chains on her neck and wrists and getting rid of them one by one, fake tattoos smudged along her toned stomach, makeup half gone, hair clinging to the sweat on her shoulders; leather skirt hung low on her hips, unbuttoned but stubbornly stuck in place. Everything about that stripping was out of order. Yet Jihyo still managed to be perfect. Like she was made to destroy Sana.

“Let me help,” Sana said after a while, finally breaking free from the spell Jihyo had cast on her just by existing. She crawled to the edge of the bed, gaze locked on Jihyo like she still couldn’t believe this was real. Jihyo stepped closer too without a word, letting her. This was getting frustrating, so many layers to get rid of, and she could feel exhaustion of the day creep on her slowly. But she wouldn’t take a step back, she would never, from now on.

Sana’s hands found the skirt first, fingers tugging with impatience. The leather clung stubbornly to Jihyo’s damp skin, refusing to let go. Sana worked at it anyway, breath brushing warm against Jihyo’s stomach as she finally dragged it down. “Fuck,” she whispered, not looking up from the navy blue underwear Jihyo was wearing. “You have no idea how hot you look right now, do you?”

“Is that so?” Jihyo asked calmly, but the little smirk on her lips made it too obvious she liked hearing it. “I’ll look better naked.”

Sana thought she was going to die tonight. Yeah, she definitely wouldn’t survive this woman. She knew Jihyo was good in bed, she knew she was a menace with her words too. Not because Jihyo ever talked to anyone about it. She had always been too conservative about that stuff, such a closed box that never talked about her private life. But maybe she wasn’t conservative, at all. Sana had learned about that after witnessing it, back during their last tour.

After their bandmate left, she could hear the staff giggling, nudging each other with Jihyo’s name on their lips. And she couldn’t help but listen to every rumor about what Jihyo could do to a woman. Worse, she could hear it. Every time Jihyo made that woman come. And she had to lie there, pillow over her head, fists clenched in sheets, pretending it didn’t tear her apart and left with an ache between her legs. God, it was the worst week of her life.

She could compete with men, sure. That wasn’t the issue. But hearing about their hot unnie through thin hotel walls? That made Sana want to puke.

Thank god it was over. Thank god– god Jihyo loved her instead of someone else. Anyone else. Because now she finally got to experience everything she’d imagined. She couldn’t get enough of it.

Now, Jihyo stood in front of her, stripped down to nothing but her underwear. She bent at the waist, slowly unzipping her thigh high boots, one by one, her fingers moving with a tired grace. Sana laid back against the pillows, hair spread on the sheets, watching, expecting.

Once the boots hit the floor, Jihyo exhaled, like she was finally shedding the weight of the entire day. Maybe it was letting Sana know the truth she’d been hiding for a long while. Either way, she felt lighter. Freer. And with that, she crawled onto the bed, over Sana, purposefully. The way Sana tensed beneath her, smile taking over her lips, made Jihyo smile too. It was always like that, Sana’s happiness was contagious.

“Hey,” Sana whispered, eyes half lidded as she leaned into Jihyo’s hand when it came to rest on her cheek.

"Hey," Jihyo answered. “Pretty girl.” Jihyo studied her carefully, letting her eyes trace every line, every freckle, every curve of her lips like they were sacred, trying to memorize how they looked from so up close. “Oh god, I have been dreaming about you for so long that it doesn't feel real right now.” Her thumb brushed just beneath Sana’s eye, tender enough to make Sana let out a shaky breath. “You’re really here.”

Sana giggled softly, before playfully biting on the thumb that caressed her lower lip. "I'm here," she whispered. Their foreheads pressed together. Jihyo felt like she was standing at the edge of a cliff she’d been avoiding her whole life. And now, finally, she was falling.

“You have no idea what you do to me,” she murmured, “I’ve spent years lying to myself, telling myself I could live without this.”

And that was the truth. She had carried the weight of her love in silence, thinking it was the only way. But now, with Sana laying beneath her, trembling, warm, real and looking at her like she was all she ever wanted, Jihyo realized how foolish she’d been. 

Sana’s smile faded, but her eyes were shining brighter than ever. She reached up, fingers threading through the back of Jihyo’s hair, ever so gently. “You don’t have to do that,” she said. “Not anymore.”

Jihyo nodded once with gratefulness, her lips quivering before she leaned down and kissed her. They were slower this time. Still hungry, but not rushing, knowing that they had all the time in the world from now on.

Sana's hand curled around Jihyo’s shoulder, like she was afraid she’d vanish. She could feel it too: the years of missed chances, of watching each other, standing out of reach. And now, finally, Jihyo was here. Not as a friend, not as a leader; all as hers.

Jihyo deepened the kiss, her lips moving with precision, like every second was sacred. Her fingers trailed along Sana’s jaw, down her throat, slow enough to give the skin under it goosebumps. Sana let out the softest sigh against her mouth as her legs shifted, parting slightly as Jihyo’s body settled closer. The weight of Jihyo on her stomach made it impossible to breathe, but Sana didn’t want to breathe, she just wanted more.

“Jihyo…” she whined, the kisses weren't enough anymore. She desperately needed Jihyo to do something. But Jihyo pulled back just enough to look at her. “Yeah, is this okay?”

Sana’s hand slipped to the curve of Jihyo’s hip, pulling her in tighter as if parting their bodies was a sin. “You’re the only thing that’s ever been.”

And just like that, Jihyo gave in again. Her mouth returned to Sana’s neck, kissing before her teeth scraped the skin. She felt Sana shiver, her thighs clenching around her waist. The sounds she made were quiet, breathless little moans, but they were driving Jihyo insane.

Her hands moved down Sana’s sides, fingertips brushing beneath her shirt, until skin met skin. God, she was so warm, so soft. Always taking care of herself good enough to make sure she felt like satin when touched. Jihyo’s hips moved without thinking, grinding slowly into the space between Sana’s legs, and the gasp she got in response made her dizzy.

“I don’t think I can do much today,” Jihyo whispered. She wanted to give Sana everything, just like she deserved. It felt so good pushing into Sana like this, as if she could actually claim her. But even the thought of wearing that harness around her hips was enough to make her abdomen clench with pain and fatigue.

“It's okay,” Sana huffed in return, trying to not snap at Jihyo for moving too slowly. She was about to lose her mind. “I don't care, just do something.”

Finally, “Come here,” Jihyo whispered, and slipped her hand between them.

Sana gasped, her hips jolting the moment Jihyo’s fingers slid down, slipping beneath the thin layer of fabric between them. She was soaked. Warm and wet, waiting to be touched. Jihyo’s breath hitched at the feel of her. All waxed, too soft to be acting rough on it. She gently caressed her folds with the slick that covered her fingers.

“Fuck, Sana…” she moaned, more to herself than anything else. Her fingers stopped on her clit, circling it just slowly before Sana’s back arched, one arm reaching out to grip the edge of the mattress. She wasn’t even trying to be quiet anymore. “You're dripping.”

"Don’t waste it, then," Sana breathed out, and Jihyo's lips curled up with satisfaction. Sana was trying to match Jihyo’s moves, pushing herself closer and grinding her hips just to get some more friction, to get Jihyo inside. But Jihyo was teasing, endlessly. “Stop playing around,” Sana cried out, almost going crazy with those slim fingers spending too much time on the lips. “Please, Jihyo.”

Jihyo loved it. So much that she was almost going to give her what she wanted. But she was better than a man, she had her priorities, like kissing all over Sana’s body and and worshipping it until she almost came untouched. That's how she'd always done this, and Sana wouldn’t deserve anything less.

So Jihyo took her time.

Sana laid there under her, breath shallow, chest rising and falling like she was already halfway gone just from being looked at like that. Jihyo pulled her fingers out of the ruined underwear and straddled her, ignoring the whiny protests of the older woman.

When her hands moved again, they moved slowly. Lifting the fabric of Sana's top inch by inch, revealing skin she already knew by memory but never had the right to touch until now. Sana lifted her arms silently, letting it go, her eyes locked on Jihyo like she was trying not to blink and miss this moment.

Jihyo tossed the blouse aside and just looked for a second. Looked like she was starving.

“You’re unreal,” she whispered. This wasn’t the first time she was seeing Sana naked, but when else she would get to press her lips on every inch of her? Her hands were trembling when they reached again, this time for the clasp of her bra after Sana slightly lifted herself. She fumbled for a moment, breath caught in her throat, before it came undone. And when it slid off, she didn’t say a word. She just leaned in and kissed her.

Not on the mouth.

She kissed Sana’s collarbone first. Then the space between her breasts. Then one side, soft and reverent, like an apology. The other, like a confession. Her lips moved slowly, hungrily, but never rushed. Sucking and biting on the senstive nubs of her breasts like she enjoyed every second of it. She had dreamed of this for too long to hurry it now.

Sana whimpered, her fingers burying into Jihyo’s hair as her back arched off the bed. “Jihyo…” 

Jihyo hummed against her skin. “I know. I know, baby.” She climbed up just enough to press a kiss on Sana's dried lips. For someone who said they knew, her actions told otherwise. Because in a second, she locked their eyes together, and twisted the nipple between her fingers with enough force to make Sana scream into her mouth. So she was senstive there.

Moving up and down on Sana's body like it was just made for her, covering every inch of her with hickeys she enjoyed, with a lot of spit and kisses; she made sure she'd spend enough time on her breasts to get Sana begging. “Jihyo, it's enough,” Sana moaned, eyes almost rolling back with just the stimulation she kept receiving on her nipples. “I'll come if you touch me a finger, you played enough.”

Jihyo couldn’t care less, she was just enjoying the taste of Sana’s skin on her tongue. Groping one with one hand as she sucked on the other, she couldn’t help but think how sweet Sana tasted. It felt even sweeter, feasting on her as her moans and cries filled her whole room like it was music made just for her. “I waited for ten years for this,” Jihyo muttered, smiling at the way Sana held onto the roots of her hair. “And you couldn’t even wait for ten minutes for me to enjoy myself.”

Sana sighed, of course, it was all emotional and heavy, for both of them. But couldn't they just delay this to another moment where Sana wasn’t ruining the sheets without even being properly fucked? “I swear I'm on the edge,” Sana whispered. “Please, Jihyo.”

Jihyo would change her aim then, a hundred 'please's later, finally, down her stomach, to the little dip of her navel, then further down, fingers already teasing the edge of her waistband. She looked up then, waiting to see something in Sana’s face; fear, hesitation, anything. But there was none. There was trust, need, aching need of years.

So Jihyo dragged her skirt and underwear down together with a swift move, eyes never leaving hers. And when she kissed the inside of Sana’s thigh, then higher, and higher until it ended up on her crotch, Sana gasped like she’d just touched heaven.

Feeling Jihyo's lips on her clit immediately got her legs shaking, so much that Jihyo had to press on her thighs to do her job properly. Sana’s mind was too foggy to separate overstimulation from ejaculation, but the gasp Jihyo just let out would make it clear. God, did she already came on Jihyo's tongue?

“Oh, so you weren't lying,” Jihyo giggled, burying her face on one of Sana’s thighs to stop herself from laughing. “So sweet.”

“I'm already sick of you,” Sana groaned with embarrassment, chasing Jihyo’s lips again with a slight raise of her hips. “Is this how you're gonna be taking care of me for the rest of our lives?”

Jihyo’s heart skipped a beat. She just looked at Sana for a moment longer, her breath still warm on her thigh, chest rising and falling. For the rest of our lives.

It was enough to make her move, with her heartbeat too loud that she thought Sana would be able to hear it if she ever took a break from whimpering.

She planted her lips on Sana's core again, but there was no teasing in it anymore, none of the smug laughter from moments ago. Every swipe of her tongue between her slit was purposeful. Sana's body reacted too quickly, folding in half, stomach tensing, but her eyes stayed locked on Jihyo. Her mouth opened slightly, like she wanted to say something, but only sounds she could work out were these animalistic moans that she couldn't believe that belonged to her.

There were no more words. Only the wet, slurping sounds of Jihyo working her way perfectly, the creak of the bed, the desperate gasps that spilled from Sana’s throat as Jihyo poured every unanswered confession into every lick, every touch.

If Sana ever doubted what she meant to her —this was the answer.

Every time she moaned Jihyo’s name, every time her fingers dug into her back, Jihyo just kept going, like she was trying to say, I heard you. I want that too. And I’m not letting go.

Sana didn’t know how many times she would explode, covering all over Jihyo's mouth and chin with her warm slick. But she knew that Jihyo wasn’t done with her when she pushed her tongue into her, making her clench around it as her nose kept pressing her clit dangerously.

She didn’t care how wasted she felt or how Jihyo's tongue was enough to create wonders on it's own; she still wanted it. She needed every part of Jihyo on her, in her. She wanted Jihyo to claim her, fuck her senseless until she couldn’t take no more.

And when Jihyo replaced her tongue with two of her fingers, it all made sense why she'd needed all that. She had every right to want this, to ask for this, to beg for this when Jihyo moved her fingers so cleverly inside her; finding her spot so quickly that it almost shocked Sana into another orgasm. 

“Fuck, harder,” Sana gasped, trying to get used to the stretch of Jihyo’s fingers. Jihyo listened. She pulled back up to fingertips before hitting back so hardly that the heel of her palm would slap her clit. “Ah– yes, yes, yes... How do you do it so well?” Sana squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the tension build in her stomach once again. It was all too much, but the thought of Jihyo learning these from someone else was enough to keep her grounded. Jealousy stung, and she suddenly understood why Jihyo was so jealous of Miyeon. Because that was a woman, someone so forbidden yet still chosen by Sana over her.

They could make each other forget, they could do this so many times, enough to replace every touch with each other's and learn everything from scratch together. Sana could work with that. She could cum with– no, she was about to cum.

Because Jihyo wouldn’t answer her question, instead, she would put her mouth to better use, sucking on Sana’s clit as she kept working her fingers roughly. Her wrist was getting tired, though, chin cramping a little; but she still gave her everything despite the exhaustion.

“Jihyo, I'm coming, jagi, I'm about to– I–” Jihyo pushed just once more before pulling her fingers out, leaving her tongue to a rest; instead, she started rubbing her clit, hardly and in a pace Sana could never keep up with; until she broke apart in screams and tears and with body folded in half. She would come, a lot. Just the way Jihyo wanted, soaking everything.

She wiped her face with the back of her hand, not able to decide who looked messier now. Jihyo could easily volunteer herself. She loved it though, she would love everything if it came from Sana. 

Finally swallowing the gush she kept inside her mouth, then she licked her lips, trying to blink her eyes open. It took her a while to get herself together, as if she was the one who had all those orgasms.

“I knew you could do that,” Jihyo murmured with a tired smile, lower half of her face still tensing as she spoke. She crawled up on bed, and let herself rest on Sana’s sweaty chest, finally. “So good, that was so good.”

“Even I didn't know I could do that,” Sana giggled, but her voice was half gone because of using it too much –no, abusing it, really. Jihyo didn’t think she would ever be able to forget how Sana screamed her name everytime her tongue hit a senstive spot. Her voice had every right to get lost. “You're insane. You know too much that I almost feel jealous.”

Jihyo laughed shortly, hitting Sana’s arm softly as she tangled their legs together. “Do you think it's practiced ease?” Jihyo asked, and then answered it herself. “Or just imagining this moment so many times?”

Sana laughed along, knowing that it couldn't be the truth, but she still appreciated Jihyo for trying to make her feel better like that. She didn’t care about her past, not really. Because Sana herself had a worse track record, trying hard to make Jihyo jealous for years but it would never work out. Until one day it did, when she wasn’t even trying. Life was really weird.

Sana shifted under Jihyo’s head, careful not to jostle her too much. But she could feel it. Jihyo’s breathing had slowed, her body heavy with exhaustion, skin flushed and warm against her own. She looked peaceful, finally. And still, Sana couldn't let her sleep like this.

Her fingers trailed down slowly, over the damp curve of Jihyo’s tiny waist, feeling the way her stomach tensed even in half sleep. Poor thing, still aching, still trying to give without ever asking for anything in return. That was just so Jihyo, wasn’t it?

Sana leaned in, brushing her lips gently against Jihyo’s temple. “Hey,” she whispered, voice low, close to teasing but laced with something tenderer. “You think you’re gonna take care of me and just fall asleep like that?”

Jihyo let out a soft hum, barely awake.

“No,” Sana murmured, pressing a kiss between her hair strands, one hand already slipping lower as she lifted herself up, escaping Jihyo's grip. “You’re not getting away with that.”

She didn’t rush it. She took her time, easing Jihyo onto her back, coaxing her eyes open with just the heat of her mouth on her chest, her stomach, her thighs. Jihyo blinked up at her, sleepy and confused at first —until her breath caught. Until she realized.

“What are you doing?” She asked, but Sana's lips were already all over her body. Even she was disgusted by herself after such a long day, yet Sana took her time licking every inch of her body, as if Jihyo was made of candy. “Sana, you don't have to, sweetheart.” But Sana wanted to.

She reached Jihyo’s bra, one with a front-clasp, undoing it with just a flick of her fingers. She watched it hungrily as Jihyo's breasts bounced freely from the fabric, and spent no time reaching to fondle them with through care. "Sana-yah," Jihyo tried again, but her mouth was getting dry by the slight squeeze on her mounds already, making it harder for her to resist. “I'm already tired, baby, you can do it later.”

Sana knew that it was a lie. Just by looking at the underwear she wore, all damp and darkened between her legs, she could tell how much Jihyo needed this. She heard how hard her comeback preparations were going for her already, and she also knew that Jihyo wouldn't even take two minutes to get herself off at the company bathroom like Sana did when she felt too nervous. Sana knew Jihyo hadn't been touched for god knows who long, a month? Someone had to help her relax, and that someone could be no one but Sana from now on.

“Where are your toys?” Sana just asked, standing on her knees before she pressed her ass to rest on Jihyo's tensed legs.

“What do you mean?” Jihyo was breathless. Sana seemed serious about this whole thing, as if it was a task she needed to deliver before Jihyo surrendered to sleep. “What toys?”

“I know you have a strap,” Sana said, she wished she would bring her own textured one, though. “You were making really good use of it during the tour.” Her voice was stinging, just enough to make Jihyo groan. Weren't they past through that already? Apparently they weren't.

“Come on, Sana,” she whined, reaching to hold the Japanese by the waist. “It wasn’t anything special, she wasn’t you.”

Sana knew that, but the feeling inside her wouldn't soothe down unless she did something about it. Unless she fucked Jihyo better than that woman ever did. Jihyo would let her no matter how tired she felt, because she always did.

“Where are your toys?” Sana just repeated with a certain voice, and lifted herself up from the bed, walking around the room all naked, like a marble statue. She knew that Jihyo wouldn't be able to resist any longer.

“Second drawer,” she pointed at the bedside table. Her words didn't match her actions, because before Sana could even grab whatever she wanted from the drawer, she was getting rid of her panties too. “I'm seriously so tired, and you're so pressed for what?”

“Because you need to relax,” Sana cooed, clearly satisfied with the size of the dildo she randomly grabbed. Jihyo watched her throw it on the bed, then the harness, then the bullet vibrator Jihyo haven't been using since forever. It was a birthday gift from Nayeon, from years ago. She wasn’t even sure if it was working anymore, but with such passion, Sana would for sure find a way to make it work.

Realizing that Sana would pass the lube, Jihyo sighed. She knew. She knew how wet she already was, she knew that a lubricant would be the very last thing Jihyo needed as she begged for Sana to put it in. And she knew that Jihyo was a terrible liar.

“Spread, baby,” Sana said, placing the dildo in it's place before she started putting on the harness. Jihyo, touching herself slowly at the sight, felt like she was about to come just by looking at how that toy swung between Sana’s legs. She would do what was asked from her.

Sana bit her lip at the sight, Jihyo, her dream girl opening her legs wide for her, as her leg muscles twitched just as Sana's liking. She didn’t have to get closer to see how wet and glistening her core was despite her worsening eyesight. She was beautiful.

Sana finally crawled to Jihyo on bed, settling herself right between her legs, gazing Jihyo's perfectly sculpted body as if she still couldn’t believe she was actually hers. "Don’t you feel tired?" Jihyo asked, seeing how Sana grimaced for a moment after pulling a wrong muscle.

“Ass up,” Sana said instead of answering, and reached the pillow that ended up on the very corner of the bed, pushing it under Jihyo’s ass when she managed to lift herself just enough. This way she could make Jihyo feel better, but it would also help her reach. Her core strength wasn't the best, but when she arranged it right, she could go a couple rounds without breaking apart. She would do anything for Jihyo.

Knowing Jihyo was too worn out for any more teasing, Sana only pressed the toy gently against her entrance, letting it rest there just enough to feel the weight of it. The sound that left Jihyo’s throat in return was more than worth it. It was the kind of moan that felt like a reward in itself. Yes, this was right.

Sana could feel it in the way Jihyo trembled, how her body responded even in its exhaustion. She didn’t want to torture her, not tonight. Not when she had already done more than enough. She’d worked herself to the edge all day, then pushed past it just to please her. She'd made Sana fall apart more times than she could count, still so gentle, still giving and just hers. And now, finally, she could let go. She could just receive. Jihyo had been so good. For the world. For her. 

She deserved everything.

Before putting it in, she kept rubbing herself all over Jihyo's folds, covering her entire crotch with her never ending gush as if she wanted to show how easy it was for her to get Jihyo wet like this. Then, she reached the bullet vibrator on the other side of the bed.

Jihyo gasped, because with just that little shift, Sana would accidentally slide in. It was unexpected, and felt even better because of it. “Fuck,” Jihyo cried out, throwing her head back, closing her eyes after feeling the stretch. This was one of her bigger toys, where she didn’t even bother to use on herself on a normal day. So after being untouched for so long, longer than Sana could ever guess, she could feel herself practically split apart around the thickness of it. “Was that even intentional?”

Sana shook her head with a giggle, and held herself there, proud of her dripping craft. “It was not,” she said before placing one hand right over Jihyo's toned abs. “But you like it, right? Is this okay?” She pushed in just a little, and Jihyo groaned in pain and pleasure all together. She wasn’t dry, not really. Just that Sana was too big.

“Slow down, angel,” Jihyo hissed, reaching desperately to stop Sana by putting a hand on her hips. “It's been so long.”

Sana kept herself uptight, not pushing in but not pulling out either. Jihyo looked at her, trying to adjust to the size and to guess her next move. Sana wouldn't keep it a secret, showing her the little toy she kept in her palm, weighing it just a little before pressing it's button. The whole room buzzed with the sound coming out of that small thing.

“I remember Nayeon asking for help with choosing this. I made sure it was something small and delicate.” Oh. Oh. So Sana was the one behind this dirty gift idea she scolded Nayeon for? Jihyo suddenly felt her stomach tighten, remembering all those times she would use this on herself with no one else but Sana on her mind.

“I wanted this to be something you can carry around in your pocket without getting nervous about it, something you could take anywhere,” Sana whispered almost too shyly, and dragged the buzzing toy through Jihyo’s torso, until it hit her navel. Jihyo felt her whole body tense, she could feel herself getting the dildo wetter by second. “Because someone had to take care of my girl since I couldn't.”

My girl. Jihyo moaned, those words were enough to get her to do so. But when she felt the toy on her nipples, one by one; before Sana could finally decide which one to tease with the bullet and which one to simply squeeze between her fingers until Jihyo snapped; she lost it. “Put it in,” Jihyo almost growled, trying to lift her hips up to receive more of Sana’s length, but the Japanese would pin her down, preventing her from that.

“It's surprisingly powerful, right? So much that you don't yearn for anyone else after using it, for a while at least. That's why I chose this one.” She giggled as if Jihyo’s desperation was nothing to her, dragging the toy between Jihyo’s legs, driving it all around her engorged lips; but never on exactly where Jihyo needed. “I had a handful of these when I was twenty five or something, because I kept losing them during tour.” God, Sana was impossible.

Were they seriously having a talk about this stupid, monstrous, weirdly powerful vibrator that was torturing Jihyo’s nipples right now? That was so unnecessary.

“Baby, I'm getting really tired,” Jihyo whispered, trying to stop Sana from talking and put her hips to use. A day spent full on set, dancing and running on caffeine; she could feel how her body was slowly giving up on her. “Let me finish, okay? Come on.”

She still thought Sana would keep teasing, leaning in to take one of Jihyo's nipples in her mouth; but the moment she moved forward, teething at the senstive nub, her whole length slid into Jihyo with a lewd squelch.

Jihyo's cry got caught in her throat, face painted in shock, trying to get used to the double sensation Sana was working hard on giving. She felt her suck harder, as if she wanted to suck Jihyo dry; as her other hand reached for her other breast. She just couldn't let go of them, it felt like a concept Sana spent too much time fantasizing about just to neglect now.

She looked at Jihyo's face, finally moving her gaze up from the movement of the toy slowly pulling out of Jihyo. She took her time, letting Jihyo adjust to the whole length. And now, looking at her pretty, devastated face; eyes squeezed shut and lips parted with a moan ready to leave any second; Sana hit back, as deeply as she could.

“Ah– that's... That's too deep,” Jihyo almost screamed, feeling the tip of the toy hit right where she needed everytime Sana pushed back into her with great force. “So thick, Sana. So full, so– I'm gonna tear apart...” Her moans were like a chant, filling the room everytime Sana's hips hit hers with a disgusting wet noise. With her hands placed tightly on Jihyo's abs, Sana kept her pinned on the creaking bed. 

“Shit... I won’t be able to do that dance practice. I told you– ah– I fucking told you–” Sana laughed after being scolded by her leader, out of breath, doing the greatest workout of all time. Jihyo was so silly, yet still so authentically herself no matter what the circumstances were. She was still thinking about work, schedule and tomorrow as if tonight wasn't the only thing they had for certain. As if she wasn't getting fucked senselessly by the woman she dreamed of for years. Sometimes habits just wouldn't change. But Sana didn’t want Jihyo to change anyway, not ever.

“Then don't go,” Sana teased, and rolled her hips perfectly to her spot in a way Jihyo couldn't believe was real. She had never been taken this well. Maybe it was because she was Sana, maybe she it was the teasing but nonetheless; she felt her orgasm build closer, feeling Sana slowly restart driving that same little device all around her skin. Her clit? She didn't need another toy to take care of it. Sana enjoyed flicking it right under her thumb as she thrusted, pulling on the little patch of hair above it here and there– just because she liked it. Jihyo seemed to enjoy it too, lifting her hips to the touch every single time.

“Are you close yet?” Sana asked in a whimper, clearly worked out by the base of the toy that kept hitting mercilessly on her clit. She could feel Jihyo’s hips start to tense under her own, and her breath catching. “Will you come for me, Jihyo-yah? Will you come all around me?”

Jihyo nodded with a “yes” that was split into a thousand pieces because of Sana’s fastened thrusts, barely able to keep her eyes open when she reached for Sana’s shoulder, her arm, her wrist; wherever. Of course Sana would get it, leaning in to give her the wet, loving kiss she'd so kindly asked for.

Now, as their moans muffled in each other’s throats into humms, she could only hear the plopping sounds of their hips hitting together, as Jihyo’s wetness kept covering them both in waves. Sana would snake her hand right back on her clit then, still kissing her messily, and touch her so right that it took Jihyo only two seconds to explode. 

Sana caressed her through her orgasm, doubling it as if it was the easiest thing she'd done; pinning her body down as her body nearly folded in half. She could feel the way Jihyo kept trembling beneath her. 

She fucked her through it. With slow, deep kisses, trying to soothe every twitch in her body, thrusting in and out dangerously slow. Her hand pressed gently against Jihyo’s abdomen, feeling the way it rose and fell with every push, until a sudden breath broke into a sound that wasn’t a moan: “I love you.”

The words left Jihyo’s mouth in a cracked whisper, like they’d broken free from somewhere buried too deep. Sana pulled back, just enough to look at her. “What?” she asked, not in disbelief, but as if confirming if she’d heard right. She knew the truth, they both did by now. But hearing it, after they spent an awful lot of time only repeating it against the ghosts of each other, felt life changing.

Sana stopped moving, but didn't pull out. She could feel the tears rushing into her eyes, so she just let herself collapse over Jihyo with all the exhaustion she felt, hugging her to tightly as she slid deeper –it made everything go white again.

Jihyo’s eyes widened with a moan, and she blinked quickly, realizing what she’d just done. Her lips parted, body still shaking, searching for something to cover it up –but nothing came. “I—” she started, the weight of it hitting her all at once. Sana was too deep in still, her mind was foggy, and all she could hear was the ringing of her ears. So she blabbered. “I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

Sana’s heart clenched. She knew that it was out of pure panic, but still, couldn't Jihyo just let go for once? “But you meant it,” she said, quieter now, her fingers coming up to brush Jihyo’s jawline. “Right?”

Jihyo nodded slowly, almost ashamed. She'd always blamed herself for being unprofessional, for dreaming of her best friend; the one people saw as her sister. But here they were, wrapped in the warmth of having something in mutual. “I’ve meant it for so long,” she admitted, voice rusty from the orgasms she received just seconds ago. “I didn’t think I’d ever get to say it out loud.”

Sana pulled out slowly, and Jihyo hissed with the sudden emptiness. She had a slight burn, but the way Sana pulled her into her arms by the waist was enough to make everything taste sweeter. Sana then leaned in, forehead resting against hers, eyes stinging. “Then I’ll say it right, for both of us.”

She kissed her. Deeply, aching, full of everything they both kept hidden for so long –and when she pulled back, she whispered it against Jihyo’s lips like a promise. “I love you so much. This is crazy.” It was. What were the odds? How could they end up so beautifully together?

Jihyo’s eyes fluttered shut, her hands clutching at Sana like she might fall apart without her from now on. Promising herself that she would never lose this, never make a mistake if it meant losing this beautiful woman in her arms. The tears that slipped from her lashes weren’t out of pleasure this time, it was relief.

Ten years of silence, and finally, the truth was louder.

“What’s gonna happen now?” Jihyo asked, her voice small, laced with fear. Of course she would be worried. Jihyo had always been that way. Always thinking ten steps ahead, always scanning the horizon for cracks. Even in love, she couldn’t help but brace for the fall.

Sana had made it her quiet mission to carry that weight with her. To ease her, to remind her that they were allowed to have something beautiful. “We tried being without each other, too,” Sana said, pressing a kiss to the damp skin of Jihyo’s chest, right over her heartbeat. “That didn’t work. So the only thing left is the right thing. Isn't it?”

Check. Mate.

She knew Jihyo like the back of her hand now: her codes, her tics, the way she broke down and pulled herself back together. Saying it so simply, like there was no other option, was the kind of reassurance that worked on her. And it would work again. Sana felt the tension ease from Jihyo’s shoulders, just enough to settle her head more comfortably into her chest.

So she went on with all her carefully chosen words, gently. “The girls don’t have to know yet. Not until we figure it out for ourselves.”

That earned her a tug at the roots of her hair, just enough to make her look up, and when she did, Jihyo’s eyes were waiting for hers. It was easy to say how grateful she was for this understanding, how grateful she felt for Sana.

Sana smiled, soft and sure. They had practiced this kind of understanding for years, hadn’t they? As best friends, they’d built a language no one else could speak. And even now, Jihyo looked at her like she might fall apart with one wrong word. That alone told Sana she’d make the right choice.

“But Momo and you—” Jihyo started suddenly, her mind was immediately searching for another crack on the perfect surface.

The name alone made Sana laugh. Of course she was worried about this of all things. Maybe jealous. About who would comfort who when the lines got blurry in the group. But Momo was her best friend, she’d understand. She’d only be surprised it hadn’t happened sooner. Well, she would probably ask Sana if she could join too –but they would have to deal with it when it actually happened.

“It will be only you from now on,” Sana whispered, cutting through the thought like a promise. Her hand slipped through Jihyo’s hair, her lips ghosting over her defined jawline. Just like that, she felt her finally let go. Like her heart had been waiting to hear that sentence her entire life.

Jihyo closed her eyes, breath evening out, body heavy and warm and sticky in Sana’s arms. Her mind had always been loud, but now, finally, it was quiet. Because this wasn’t something to be afraid of anymore. This was her dream.

Sana watched her closely, her fingers combing gently through the sweaty strands of Jihyo’s long hair that reminded her of their debut years, smoothing them back from her forehead. She looked so young like this, unguarded, eyes fluttering behind their lids as if even her dreams were still catching up.

“You did so well today,” Sana whispered. “You always do.” She pressed a kiss, soft against her neck. “But you don’t have to carry everything all the time. You don’t have to be strong with me.”

Jihyo let out the faintest hum, not quite a response, but it was easy to tell how she surrendered. Her body, tucked into Sana’s arms, had stopped fighting the exhaustion, finally accepting it. One hell of a day it must've been. Sana could feel the slow, steady thrum of her heartbeat under her palm.

“I’m here,” Sana whispered, tucking a stray of hair behind Jihyo’s ear this time, her voice softening even further, like she was talking to a fragile piece of glass. “We don’t need to fight and hide anymore.” Jihyo shifted just slightly, her head nestling further into the pillow, her body going limp under the weight of sleep.

Sana held her tighter, her hand tracing lazy circles on her back. “My strong, brave girl,” she murmured, her own voice growing heavier with sleep now. “You don’t have to think of anything else tonight. Just rest.”

And then, with a final, contented sigh, Jihyo fell asleep in her arms, her face soft and serene, no longer weighed down by the pressures of the world or the exhaustion of the day. Sana had always thought how beautiful Jihyo looked, even in her sleep. This, this wasn’t new.

Falling asleep together was something practiced for them. It was second nature, like brushing teeth or breathing. They knew how to hold each other like the backs of their hands, no questions asked. How Jihyo liked her arm under the pillow, how Sana liked her hand somewhere warm, pressed between skin. It was muscle memory by now. But for the first time, Sana got to call this hers.

In that moment, she held Jihyo, her heart full and warm, knowing that for the first time in a long while, after all those tiring days of work full of stress, Jihyo was finally at peace. She was home.

“Jaljayo,” Sana whispered in her sweetest tone, studying Jihyo’s frame with half lidded eyes. She still kept her gaze on her, like she'd miss something if she blinked too long. She couldn't bring herself to believe this was hers all because of a damn Guam trip –that they spent a whole night with just Sana crying drunk about Jihyo. Her Jihyo.

She would call Miyeon to thank about it later on. But now, she enjoyed this time she spent in the arms of her lover.

“Let's meet in our dreams.”