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“You’re gonna be okay, Buck. Remember that. They’re gonna need you. I love you, kid.”
Buck screamed until he couldn’t anymore. Until his body was wrought with exhaustion.
Until a bunch of people helped lift his body off the floor and drag him out of the hall.
Until he was deposited in a tent to be decontaminated again.
Until he was sitting on a chair, staring blankly ahead.
Until he heard his name.
“Evan?”
Buck stared ahead, unmoving.
“You’re… you’re cleared to leave the tent.”
Buck swallowed deeply.
Someone took a few more steps forward. “Evan, can you look at me?”
Finally, Buck turned to look. Tommy.
“Hey,” Tommy said softly.
Buck let his eyes trail over Tommy’s face. “Are you okay?” Buck asked.
Tommy stared, shaking his head quickly before he walked closer. “Am I… Evan. How are you doing?” Tommy asked.
Buck reached out for Tommy’s face. “Were you crying?”
Tommy shrugged. “Yes. Evan…”
“It… it’s going to be okay,” Buck said.
Tommy crouched down beside him, so they were closer to eye level. “I know I may not be who you want right now but…”
“How’s everyone doing?” Buck asked.
Tommy frowned. “They’ve been released from their decontamination units. You and Athena were in there last, so you’re the last ones.”
“Hen? Chimney?” Buck asked.
“Transported to the hospital. Both stable," Tommy said.
Buck nodded. “We should… we should go with them. What about Ravi?”
“I think Ravi was going to head to the hospital as well. He was updating Karen.”
“And Athena?”
“Athena...” Tommy started.
“Right,” Buck said. “I should go… find her.”
“Evan,” Tommy said.
Buck paused. “I need to make sure they’re okay.”
“I need to make sure you’re okay,” Tommy said.
Buck stared at nothing for a moment. “I’ll be okay.”
“But right now…” Tommy said.
“You said I’m clear to leave, right?” Buck asked.
Tommy nodded.
Buck stood, wobbling a little on his feet.
Tommy stood as well, hands raised as if to catch him.
And then Buck strode out of the tent.
It was still chaos. Time had obviously passed but there were military and FBI and who knows who else all around. Sirens and flashing lights surrounded them and Buck beelined it to where he could see the cop cars and the 118 engine.
He could hear Tommy following behind him but couldn’t pay attention right now.
Buck stopped, staring at the engine. The engine that Bobby would never sit in again.
He felt tears gather in his eyes again and blinked them away. He glanced around.
“Evan,” Tommy said, running up.
“Where are they? Where is everyone. Where…” Buck started.
“Hey. Take a second,” Tommy said.
“I can’t! I need to do something. I need to help them. I need to…” Buck said, breathing quickly.
Tommy stared at him for a moment before he went and spoke to someone nearby. Then he returned.
“Okay. I’ve got us a ride to the hospital, okay?” Tommy said.
“Okay,” Buck said. “Everyone’s there?”
Tommy nodded.
“And Athena?” Buck asked.
Tommy sighed, glancing back at another tent.
Buck followed his gaze.
“I think she needs a moment,” Tommy said.
“Is she alone?” Buck asked.
“No,” Tommy said.
“Who?” Buck asked.
“Some of the officers…”
“No. She needs someone she knows,” Buck said. “She needs…”
“Evan,” Tommy said.
Buck sniffled.
And then Athena walked out.
Buck turned to stare at her.
She walked up to them. She looked between the two of them and then said, “let’s go check on our team. Who’s driving?”
Tommy sighed. “We have a ride.”
Athena nodded.
Buck did too.
And then they went to the hospital.
There wasn’t much to do at the hospital.
Despite the decontamination, they still wanted to keep people as far away from Hen and Chimney as possible until the likelihood of anything spreading decreased.
So Hen and Chimney were in some sort of bubble, everyone watching them from the outside.
Buck did his best to talk to them but they were both exhausted. And sleep came to them quickly.
Buck returned to the waiting room and stared at Tommy.
“Where’d Athena go?” Buck asked.
Tommy motioned to the side and Buck saw Athena with her arms around May and Harry.
“Oh,” Buck said. He glanced to the other side of the hall and saw Karen and Ravi chatting quietly.
Further down, Maddie walked in. She looked around before she spotted him and she ran over.
“Buck!” Maddie exclaimed, pulling him into a hug.
Buck gripped her back tightly. “He’s okay, Maddie,” Buck said. “Chimney’s going to be okay.”
Maddie nodded tearfully, pulling away slightly. “Where…”
“He’s just down the hall. I can show you,” Buck said.
Maddie nodded. She hesitated for a moment before she hugged Buck again, tightly.
Buck squeezed her back.
And then Buck showed her down the hall, returning after to the waiting room.
It could have been minutes or hours before Buck felt someone place a hand on his shoulder.
“Evan?” Tommy asked softly.
“What do you need?” Buck asked.
Tommy shook his head slightly. “It’s time to go home. Visiting hours are way past over and they’re only letting spouses stay longer. Even then, they’re kicking them out soon. They don’t want them that close. Ravi headed out a little bit ago.”
“What happened to Athena?” Buck asked again.
“She took her kids home,” Tommy said.
“Alone? You let her go alone?” Buck asked.
Tommy stared at him. “Evan. It’s time to go home.”
Buck nodded before he basically sunk into Tommy’s arms, the energy leaving him.
It was a busy morning for Buck.
He started with casseroles. They were easy to reheat. Easy to eat. Tasty.
He moved onto stews. Salads.
He had to run to the store.
And then he was back, putting more food into the oven.
“Evan?”
Buck turned around, seeing Tommy walk into the kitchen rubbing sleep out of his eyes.
“Good, you’re up,” Buck said. “I’m going to need some help delivering some of this.”
“What are you doing?” Tommy asked.
“Well, I figure people are going to need food. And hospital food is gross. So some of this can be for Hen and Chimney. The rest I’ll bring to Athena. And Ravi. And Maddie. And Karen. And… I’m probably missing someone,” Buck said, frowning.
He glanced back at Tommy and saw him looking over the kitchen.
“What?” Buck asked.
Tommy stared. “Did you sleep at all?”
“A little,” Buck said. “Then I couldn’t sleep anymore so I started cooking.”
“Evan, it’s okay to take some time,” Tommy said softly.
Buck shook his head. “They need my help. I can do this for them. He… he was teaching me how to cook so I could do this and…”
Tommy took another step closer. “Evan.”
“So you can either help me with the food, or you can leave,” Buck said. “And I know you like to leave.”
Tommy sighed. “I don’t think you should be alone right now.”
“Is that why you stayed over last night?” Buck asked.
“Evan. You couldn’t even undress yourself for bed,” Tommy said.
“Well, I’m good now. So you don’t have to worry,” Buck said.
“You don’t have to be good. You can let it out. You can be sad. Or angry,” Tommy said.
Buck stayed quiet. He focused on his food.
Tommy sighed again. “What do you need help with?”
Buck pointed to the counter. “Dice those carrots?”
Tommy nodded, grabbing the carrots.
“And reheat at 350 degrees for about a half hour,” Buck said.
“Thank you, Buck,” Karen said. “I do appreciate it. How are you doing?”
Buck hesitated. “I just came from Ravi’s. Put a bunch of stuff in Maddie’s fridge earlier. She went back to the hospital. Heading to Athena’s next.”
Karen stared at him. “And have you eaten?”
Buck shrugged.
Karen turned her gaze to Tommy.
“He’s next,” Tommy said.
“He better be,” Karen said. “Buck, you have to take care of yourself, too.”
“I will. After I deliver this food to Athena’s,” Buck said.
Karen shot Tommy a sharp look and Tommy nodded.
They headed back to the car.
“If we get to Athena’s in the next half hour, we should get home before Eddie calls,” Buck said.
“Evan, slow down,” Tommy said.
Buck shook his head. “He couldn’t get a flight right away. But I said it was fine. He could wait a couple days. I mean we’re not having the service until after Chimney and Hen get released from the hospital. Miraculously, Chimney is healthier than Hen. Then again, he didn’t have emergency surgery in a lab. If they weren’t still waiting for the virus’s original incubation period to pass, they would be home already.”
Tommy sighed, getting back into the car. “Athena’s then,” he said.
Buck nodded. “Yup.”
The drive didn’t take too long and then Buck was hopping out of the car, Tommy following behind.
Buck knocked on the door and it opened slowly.
May stood there, staring at them.
“Hey,” Buck said softly. “I uh... brought some food. Can I come in?”
May nodded, stepping back.
“Where’s your mom?” Buck asked.
“She went back to the station. Said she had some things to do,” May said.
Buck frowned, glancing at Tommy. Tommy shrugged.
Buck made his way in, seeing Harry sitting on the couch.
“You two… you need anything? You hungry?” Buck asked. “I brought casseroles, pot pies, stews… what do you want?”
May shrugged, tears coming to her eyes.
“Hey,” Buck said, walking over to her, puling her into his arms.
May started sobbing. “He wasn’t even my real dad… I shouldn’t…”
“You get to feel whatever you need to feel,” Buck said.
He could feel Tommy place a hand at his back and Buck heaved in a breath. He could be strong for May.
“Harry?” Buck asked.
Harry shrugged. “I don’t understand. How did everyone else make it and not him?”
“He… he made sure his team was cared for. That’s what he does. And… and… he’s your dad. You know that,” Buck said.
“He was yours too,” May said softly.
Buck shook his head. “No... no... he... he’s my captain.”
“Buck, you’re family,” May said.
Buck shook his head, puling away. He put on a smile. “Let me put this food in the fridge for you. If you don’t eat it in a couple days, you can freeze it. I should go check on your mom too, but Eddie’s calling soon so…”
“You two tell us if you need anything,” Tommy said.
They nodded.
Buck stared at them. “You two okay if we leave you?”
Harry nodded. “Dad and David should be here soon. They took the first flight out.”
“Okay,” Buck said.
And then they were leaving.
“Buck,” Eddie said.
Buck stared at his phone. “Eddie.”
“What the fuck happened?” Eddie asked.
Buck shook his head. He took in a deep breath. “When’s your flight?”
“Couple days. I’ll be there for the funeral. I tried to get out earlier but that’s the best I could get.”
“Good, that’s good,” Buck said.
“How’s everyone?” Eddie asked.
“Chimney and Hen are going to be okay. Still in the hospital, but they should be out soon. It’s just a precaution for Chimney now. Hen needs a little more healing but is being released soon too. Ravi feels horrible. And Athena… I don’t know. May and Harry are incredibly upset, obviously.”
“How are you?”
Buck stared. “How are you, Eddie?”
“Feel useless. I should have been there. Maybe if I’d been there then…” Eddie said.
Buck shook his head. “I was there and I was no help.”
Tommy glanced up at him.
“Still,” Eddie said. “Man, what am I doing?”
“You’re being Christopher’s dad,” Buck said. “He needs you.”
“Yeah, but you guys need me too!” Eddie said.
Buck heaved in a deep breath. “You taking the couch when you get here?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Eddie said softly. “If that’s still okay.”
“Of course it’s okay,” Buck said.
“Buck,” Eddie started.
“Yeah?” Buck asked.
“Are you alone right now?” Eddie asked.
Buck glanced at Tommy. “No.”
“Good,” Eddie said. “I don’t think you should be. Who’s there?”
“Tommy,” Buck said softly.
It was quiet for a moment. “He helped you guys, right? That’s what you said?” Eddie asked.
“Yeah,” Buck said.
“Can I speak to him for a second?” Eddie asked.
Buck shrugged and wordlessly passed the phone to Tommy.
Tommy stared at him for a moment before he took it. “Hello?” Tommy said.
Buck let a hand trail through his hair, sighing.
Tommy sighed too. “I’m doing my best. He’s not really opening up right now.”
Buck turned and stared.
Tommy glanced at him. “He’ll be okay,” Tommy said softly.
Buck nodded. He got up and walked out of the room. He didn’t need to hear their conversation.
Athena was hard to track down. She made herself busy with the funeral arrangements and Buck tried to offer his help but she kept turning him down.
So he kept cooking. He kept bringing her food.
He kept bringing everyone food.
Tommy kept helping him with the food.
Tommy hadn’t left since that day.
And Buck didn’t know what to say.
Tommy was there in the kitchen, helping him cook. Tommy was helping call the others and check up on them. Tommy was holding him at night for whatever hours he managed to sleep.
Tommy was helping him babysit Jee as Maddie went to pick up Chimney from the hospital.
Buck was so happy Chimney was going home.
Hen was cleared to leave in a day or two.
And then before they knew it, that day was there. And Hen was home.
And then… then the service.
Eddie showed up the day before the service with a bag over his shoulder and his arms already out for a hug as Buck opened the door.
They sunk into it, pulling each other close before they parted.
Eddie nodded, looking around. “Love what you’ve done with the place. Barely looks like I used to live here.”
“Sorry,” Buck said.
“I like it,” Eddie said.
Tommy poked his head out from around the hallway. “Eddie,” he said.
“Hey man,” Eddie said.
They stared at each other for a moment before finally Tommy approached and pulled Eddie into a hug.
Eddie winced into it. “I’m sorry,” he said softly.
Tommy shrugged. “Me too.”
“I shouldn’t have ghosted you,” Eddie said.
Tommy shrugged again. “It is what it is.”
They both turned back to Buck who was watching them. “So we have to be there at 9 sharp tomorrow,” Buck said.
“Right,” Eddie said. “It feels wrong I won’t be with you guys properly.”
“You will be,” Buck said. “You are.”
“Right,” Eddie said again.
Buck stared at the two of them. “You hungry, Eddie?”
“I could eat,” Eddie said.
And Buck led him into the kitchen.
The ceremony went off without a hitch. All the respect and honour they could possibly bestow upon their captain.
And finally, Buck had a chance to reach out to some of them, alone.
And some were angry.
“It should have been me!” Chimney exclaimed. “He knew what he was doing. He knew… he knew the whole time. I was sicker. It might not have even worked on me and yet… he didn’t even try to find another option!”
“No, it shouldn’t have been you” Buck said. “But you are right, that he did know what he was doing. Because that’s who he is. He saves us. He saves people. Chim, he saved you for a reason.”
“Well, what if I don’t want that? How do I live with that? Knowing that I’m the reason he’s dead?” Chimney exclaimed.
“You’re not! He would have made that decision for any of us. In any situation,” Buck said. “He wanted you to meet your son. He…”
“It’s not right,” Chimney said. “It’s not fair.”
“It’s not,” Buck agreed. And he held Chimney as he cried.
Hen was slightly different.
“Hey Buck,” she said softly.
“Hen,” Buck said.
“How are you holding up?” Hen asked.
Buck frowned. “Cooking. You need anything else? I dropped a bunch of stuff off with Karen.”
“I know,” Hen said. “And it was delicious. Thank you for looking out for her. I’m talking about you.”
“Fine,” Buck said.
“I see Tommy’s back,” Hen said.
Buck shrugged. “He’s kind of just been here.”
“The whole time?” Hen asked.
Buck nodded. “He hasn’t left. Hasn’t gone to work, just… been with me,” Buck said, frowning.
“I’m glad,” Hen said. “We all need someone.”
Buck shook his head. “I don’t know what he wants from me.”
“I think he just wants to make sure you’re okay. Like we all do,” Hen said.
“I’m fine,” Buck said.
Hen sighed.
“Hen, really. How are you?” Buck asked.
“I’m… still processing. So many things happened in that lab. There was a moment I thought we all wouldn’t make it. But Bobby… of course he would do whatever he could to save us. He saved me. He saved Chim. He saved Ravi. He’s a hero,” Hen said.
“Yeah,” Buck said.
“Doesn’t mean I’m also not furious with him for it,” Hen said. “I miss him, immensely. But I am angry that he did it. That he didn’t tell us. That I didn’t get a goodbye.”
Buck turned to her, face paling.
“You got a goodbye, didn’t you?” she asked.
“I’m sorry,” Buck said.
“Hey, whatever he said, was for you. You two had a special relationship,” Hen said.
Buck nodded before he turned away. “Have you seen Athena?”
“Buck, please. Don’t close yourself off,” Hen said.
“I... I can’t right now,” Buck said.
“Okay,” Hen said. “If you can’t talk to me that’s fine. But please talk to someone.”
Back shook his head for a moment and then wandered off.
Ravi… Ravi was stuffing his face with food.
“You good?” Buck asked him.
“All I'm doing is eating,” Ravi said softly. “Between your food and this…”
“I’m glad you’re eating,” Buck said.
“Are you?” Ravi asked.
Buck took a step away.
“Buck,” Ravi said. “I’m glad I didn’t quit. I’m glad I could be there to help when they needed me. To do what I could.”
“Good,” Buck said.
“But what do you do when it hurts this much?” Ravi asked.
Buck took in a deep breath. “You keep going. You push past. You realize… how many more people there are you are going to save. And you keep doing it.”
Ravi nodded, looking away.
Buck felt a hand at his back.
“There you are,” Tommy said.
“I need to see Athena still. And have you seen Eddie? Or Maddie?” Buck asked.
“Evan. Have you sat down at all? Had some food?” Tommy asked.
Buck shook his head. “I can do that later.”
“Evan,” Tommy said.
Buck frowned as Tommy led him to a table, forcing him to sit. “Your turn,” Tommy said.
“What?” Buck asked.
And then Tommy was gone for a moment. He returned with a full plate of food in his hands. He put it down in front of Buck then stared.
“I’m not hungry,” Buck said.
“Eat,” Tommy said.
Buck sighed.
And then he started eating.
Eddie appeared a moment later, joining him.
And Tommy finally went to get a plate for himself.
They all sat together, not really saying anything, just eating.
“I have to go back to Texas soon,” Eddie said softly.
Buck frowned. “Already?”
“I’m not helping anything here. And Chris needs me,” Eddie said.
Buck nodded. “Okay.”
Tommy glanced at Eddie. “You okay, Eddie?”
Eddie sighed. “I will be.”
They were quiet a moment.
“How are you doing?” Eddie asked.
Buck looked up, ready to argue when he realized Eddie was looking at Tommy. He shut his mouth.
Tommy frowned. “Doing what I can,” he said, glancing at Buck.
Eddie nodded. “But you’re eating? Taking care of yourself?”
“Now you care?” Tommy asked, chuckling dryly.
Eddie and Buck stared at him, before Tommy motioned to his plate in front of him.
“I’m eating,” Tommy said.
“He’s sleeping more than me,” Buck said.
Eddie glanced at the two of them. “And you two are…?”
Buck shrugged.
“Trying to make it through each day,” Tommy said, finally.
They ate silently for the rest of the meal.
Buck found Maddie a little bit later and they sunk into each other’s arms. There were no words to express what they were feeling. Relief that Chimney was alive. Devastation about Bobby.
Buck didn’t know what more he could say to her.
And he could tell Maddie didn’t know exactly what to say to him either.
For people who worked daily comforting and helping others… they sure were bad at it with each other.
And then finally Buck spotted Athena.
“Athena!” He called out, getting up and rushing over.
Athena turned to him. “Buck. How are you doing?”
Buck rolled his eyes. “How are you?”
“Angry. And sad. And proud. Of course he would be selfless like this. But he was not supposed to be. He was not supposed to leave me like this,” Athena said.
Buck nodded. “Yeah,” he said softly.
She stared at him. She pulled him into a hug.
“I have to go see May and Harry,” she said softly. “You take care, Buck.”
And then Athena walked away.
Buck stared after her.
The room started clearing.
Tommy and Eddie approached.
“Time to go home, Evan,” Tommy said softly.
And then they went home.
Time started to pass. Eddie went back to Texas.
Hen and Chimney healed and were ready to go back to work.
They all were.
And then they were back. With Gerard as their captain again.
And a huge Bobby Nash shaped hole in the fire station.
Tommy had asked if Buck was ready to go back or not, telling him he could take more time. But the others were going back and Buck couldn’t let them do it alone.
So there they were.
At work.
Just supposed to go about their day and save lives as if nothing else mattered.
At least… at least he was doing that. Saving lives.
He was going to make sure Bobby’s sacrifice was worth it. That they made the best out of their lives going forward.
He could tell they were all going through the motions.
They were doing their jobs, but they weren’t all there.
And Gerard... even Gerard was toning it down.
That’s what bothered Buck the most. That he was taking pity on them. Like he cared.
But he kept going. To work, to home. Day in and day out.
It brought him back to the kitchen, cooking again.
He hadn’t been able to make any of Bobby’s special recipes yet. He was warming up to it. Making things Bobby had helped him learn but nothing… nothing so specific.
He pulled another dish out of the oven, putting it out to cool. Then he took the one that had cooled and went to put it into the freezer.
He paused when he opened the freezer. It was full.
“Evan,” Tommy said softly, walking up behind him. “I think that might be enough cooking.”
Buck stared at the freezer. “What?” he asked.
“You’ve filled up everyone’s freezer. Everyone has enough food,” Tommy said softly.
Buck turned around slowly. “I have a few more recipes to make. I still haven’t made any of his… his special ones.”
“Okay,” Tommy said. “Well, maybe you can take a break until some of them are eaten.”
“Take a break?” Buck asked, scoffing. “No. It’s… it’s helping. The cooking is helping. Every time I think about… think about what he said to me I…”
Tommy took in a soft breath.
Buck turned around. “What?”
“You haven’t… you haven’t talked about him. About what happened. About what he said,” Tommy said.
“I have,” Buck said.
“No, you haven’t. Not about what he said to you. What happened to you. You talked about what happened with the others. About what they feel. Not yourself. You won’t talk about it,” Tommy said.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” Buck said.
“All your cooking says differently,” Tommy said.
Buck slammed his tray down on the counter. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you to talk to me,” Tommy said. “I’ve tried giving you time. I’ve tried letting you work through it. But you’re bottling it up and that’s not healthy.”
“I’m cooking!” Buck exclaimed. “What’s wrong with cooking? It’s like when I was baking about you!”
“What?” Tommy asked.
“Every time I wanted to call you, talk to you, I baked. So now I’m cooking!”
Tommy stared. “I didn’t know that… was it a lot?”
“Every goddamn moment, Tommy!” Buck exclaimed.
“Oh,” Tommy said.
“Like you thought I didn’t miss you at all,” Buck scoffed. “Come on! Cooking is a healthy outlet! It’s not like I’m drinking or something!”
Buck choked on his next breath.
“Evan,” Tommy said.
“He… he was sober. He was over it. He… he struggled so much, Tommy. And he made it through. He lost everything and then he rebuilt his life. He was happy!” Buck exclaimed.
“I know,” Tommy said softly.
“Do you? Because… because he slipped at the beginning and Hen and I found him and…” Buck said.
Tommy sucked in a deep breath.
“You know what, Tommy?” Buck asked.
“What?” Tommy asked softly.
Buck shook his head. “Sometimes, when I walk into the station, it’s easy to forget. It’s easy to think… it’s all those months ago. When… when Gerard was our captain. When you were with me. When… when he was at that dumb movie set, only a call away.”
“Evan…”
“It could be. Really. If I don’t think about it much. But then I come home and I realize I’m at the wrong place. This isn’t the loft. And I realize… how much time has passed. And that he isn’t at that movie set. And you aren’t with me. And… and I’m so useless, Tommy.”
“You’re not useless,” Tommy said.
“I am!” Buck exclaimed. “I’m a firefighter, Tommy. I’m supposed to be a firefighter.”
“You are a firefighter, Evan.”
“He… he survived so much. We rescued him from a capsized cruise ship. He… he survived a fire that took out his family. He had a heart attack. He… Athena landed a plane! I was stuck in a tsunami! I was struck by lighting and died! Eddie got shot! Chim had rebar through his head! Maddie had her throat slit! And we all survived it. All of it. But this? What does him in? Some virus? Made in a lab? How am I supposed to fight that? I can’t! There was nothing I could do. I can’t fight his own body! And I was stuck on the other side of a wall watching my team die and I...”
“Evan,” Tommy said softly.
“What?” Buck asked.
“You don’t have to carry this all yourself,” Tommy said.
“Of course I do! Who else would?” Buck exclaimed.
“All of us. All of us together,” Tommy said.
“You weren’t there watching him! You weren’t stuck on the other side of a wall unable to help and…” Buck started.
“Say his name,” Tommy said softly.
“What?” Buck asked.
“Say his name,” Tommy said. “You haven’t been able to say it.”
“What does that…”
“I think you’re avoiding saying it… because saying it would mean it’s real,” Tommy said.
“I’ve said his name,” Buck said.
Tommy stared at him.
“Bobby,” Buck said softly. “Bobby is dead.”
Tommy nodded.
“Bobby is dead,” Buck said again, tears gathering in his eyes.
“That’s right,” Tommy said softly.
Buck stared. “What the fuck? Do you not care at all?”
“Of course, I care,” Tommy said. “Bobby was the first person who saw the potential in me. He was the reason I made it into air ops. He was the first good captain we had. I may not have had the relationship with him that you or the others do, but I cared for him too.”
“Then why are you making me say this?” Buck asked.
“Because... because I think you haven’t let yourself truly feel this since he died. Since you broke down in that hallway,” Tommy said.
Buck froze. “You… you saw that?”
“Evan. I saw the whole thing. You’ve been so focused on taking care of everyone else and pushing your own feelings aside, that you’re just burying them down,” Tommy said.
Buck wiped at his eyes. “I… I wasn’t even in the room with them. The others had it worse.”
“He meant so much to you. You are allowed to be sad. Angry. You are allowed to feel whatever you need to feel. To let it out,” Tommy said. “And just because you weren’t inside the room, doesn’t make what you experienced about this any less important.”
Buck looked away. “You really saw what happened in the hallway. The whole thing.”
Tommy nodded. “It was heartbreaking. If I could’ve run to you, I would have.”
“Did you hear what Bobby said to me?” Buck asked softly.
Tommy shook his head.
“He said… and I think the words are ingrained into my brain now. He said, ‘You’re gonna be okay, Buck. Remember that. They’re gonna need you. I love you, kid,’” Buck said.
Tommy took in a deep breath. “And you took that to mean you had to take care of the others.”
“What else would that mean?” Buck yelled.
“That he wanted you to know he loved you. And that he cared for you. And that he trusted you to take care of them, not that you have to,” Tommy said. “That he was proud of you.”
Buck stared at Tommy before he couldn’t hold it in anymore. Suddenly the tears were rushing from his eyes and he was heaving in breaths, unable to help himself. He felt Tommy’s arms wrap around him, holding tight.
Buck screamed again, sinking into Tommy as they both slowly lowered to the ground, Buck shaking with sobs.
They sat like that for a while, before Buck frowned, realizing he wasn’t the only one crying.
“Tommy?” he mumbled.
“Sorry,” Tommy said, reaching to wipe away a tear. “I hate how much this hurts you. I hate how angry I am too. He shouldn’t be gone. They should have found a way to save them both. Why couldn’t they create another cure? Why couldn’t they share it? Why… I miss him too.”
Buck let his head fall onto Tommy’s shoulder, just resting there.
They were quiet for a long time.
And then Tommy spoke. “You really missed me?”
“What?” Buck asked.
“The baking?” Tommy asked.
Buck nodded into Tommy’s shoulder. “Every single moment.”
“I didn’t know that,” Tommy said, quietly.
Buck finally pulled his head up. “I missed you every second since you left my apartment. I wanted to call you all the time. I almost did. But I figured you didn’t want me and…”
“My god,” Tommy mumbled.
“Tommy,” Buck said softly. “You uh…”
“Yeah?” Tommy asked.
“You haven’t left,” he said softly.
Tommy froze. “Do you want me to?”
“No,” Buck said. “I really don’t.”
“Oh,” Tommy said.
“I’m sorry for what I said. Making it seem like I didn’t miss you,” Buck said.
“I’m sorry for leaving again,” Tommy said softly.
Buck took in a deep breath then he pulled away slightly to face Tommy head on. “You said you weren’t ready to move in.”
Tommy shared a wry grin. “Yeah. I kind of moved myself in during the past few weeks, didn’t I?”
Buck shrugged. “I don’t mind it.”
Tommy stared.
“I mean,” Buck said. “I would like it if you stayed. But you don’t have to if you aren’t ready.”
Tommy looked around. “This place has its charm. Now that it has your stuff in it.”
“Yeah?” Buck asked.
“I might have to bring more of my stuff, though,” Tommy said.
Buck chuckled wetly.
They glanced around the kitchen, still sitting on the floor.
“Should we get up?” Buck asked.
“In a moment,” Tommy said.
Buck nodded. “Do you think… do you think we’ll be okay?”
“Us?” Tommy asked. He nodded. “Yes, for sure.”
Buck nodded, smiling slightly. “And uh… about Bobby?”
“I think it takes time,” Tommy said. “I think we can get through it together, though.”
“And still help the others?” Buck asked.
“Of course. We can still help the others. As long as we take care of ourselves too. You come to me with anything you need,” Tommy said.
“And… and you can too, okay?” Buck said.
“Of course,” Tommy said, softly.
Buck smiled. It was small, but there. Tommy smiled back.
“Can’t believe you didn’t know I missed you,” Buck said.
“Can’t believe you didn’t know I missed you back,” Tommy said.
“I can’t believe you flew a helicopter and helped us run from the FBI and the military,” Buck said.
Tommy chuckled. “Can’t believe you didn’t throw up.”
“I did not expect those maneuvers,” Buck said.
Tommy grinned. “Well, you asked for my help…”
Buck nudged him. He sighed.
“You good?” Tommy asked softly.
“No,” Buck said. “But I will be.”
“Good,” Tommy said.
“You?” Buck asked.
“Same,” Tommy said.
“Good,” Buck said.
They looked around the kitchen then Buck frowned. “This really is a lot of cooking, isn’t it?”
“It really is,” Tommy said.
They turned to each other.
“Ravi will eat it,” Buck said.
Tommy laughed. “Yeah, he probably will.”
They both got up, cleaning up the rest of the supplies. Buck put what food he could fit into the freezer or the fridge, the rest onto the table.
And then Tommy brought out two plates and cutlery.
Buck smiled, taking a plate from Tommy, starting to grab some food.
Tommy grinned back.
Buck stared at him for a moment. It was a process. But they’d be okay. They’d all be okay. Eventually.