Chapter Text
The breakup was still fresh. Buck was still stumbling through it, if he was being honest. Of course, there had been other heartbreaks, Abby and Taylor being the big two that came to mind. Neither felt quite like Tommy, though.
Tommy had been… Well, he’d been Buck’s first. Abby had been Buck’s first real relationship, the first person to ever truly know and love Buck in a way that was familial, but Tommy… Buck didn’t think he had the words to describe just how different Tommy had been.
There was the glaringly obvious difference; Tommy was a man. He was Buck’s first boyfriend, the first guy he’d ever had the courage to kiss back. He was the one who made Buck’s identity finally click into place, giving him a glimpse of himself he’d never even hoped to see. It was like Buck had been living with a filter over his eyes, one of those weird ones that made everything tinted blue. When Tommy had kissed him, something shifted, and suddenly Buck saw colors for the first time, the real, natural colors of the world.
In his sister’s words, it had very much been a wow moment.
Being with Tommy, fully understanding himself for the first time, it was like Buck could finally take a deep breath after having his ribs constricted for thirty years.
Of course, their relationship wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows (no pride puns intended). They had their issues like any other couple. They disagreed on ice cream flavors, the best genres of music, cats over dogs, stupid things.
Then there was… sex.
In all Buck’s years of dating and hook-ups, sex hadn’t really been an issue. He had a healthy sex drive (overactive if you were asking Hen or Chim), and his previous partners had matched his energy well. Tommy matched his energy.
The first month was great. Buck was still new to the whole ‘having-sex-with-a-dude’ thing, but he was a quick learner. For weeks, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, everything was so new, so raw, so passionate. Buck had been with a lot of people, a lot, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever experienced anything like it.
As their relationship progressed, Buck settled in. For once in his life, he felt fully and truly comfortable with a partner. He could be himself around Tommy and never once felt judged. It was a new feeling.
With the comfort came the feeling Buck could only describe as domestic. It was new to him, something he’d never had anyone around long enough to experience. Abby had gotten close, but then, when everything happened with her mom, her leaving, it hadn’t fully settled in.
There were glimpses of the feeling, of course, there were. When he’d go over to Maddie and Chimney’s place for dinner, entertaining Jee-Yun while his sister and brother-in-law cooed at them while cooking. When he was staying with Eddie and Christopher, destroying both of them in combat games until Chris inevitably won (totally because Buck let him, obviously). He’d never let the feeling fully sink in, though, not when he knew he was just a visitor in other people’s lives.
Tommy was different.
Tommy was supposed to be different.
The sex problem started small, something Buck brushed off over and over again until he couldn’t anymore. Some nights, Buck genuinely just didn’t feel like it, sometimes he rather just spend time with Tommy, talking, watching trashy TV, cuddling, normal shit you do when you think you’ve found your forever person.
Those nights usually started the same way. Tommy would come over to his apartment for a quiet night in. Buck would greet him with a kiss at the door, excited to be back in the same space, breathing the same air. It always felt like a weight was lifted off him when he saw Tommy smiling at him again.
They’d chat a little, eat something, maybe have a glass of wine or a beer. Every night started like a domestic little dream for Buck, something so pure and full of love that he thought he’d never get to experience. Eventually, they’d end up on Buck’s couch or his bed, cuddled up close and watching something meaningless as they settled in for the night. That had always been Buck’s favorite part of the night, just being pressed close to his favorite person.
At some point, Tommy’s hands would start wandering. It had been fun at first, the teasing touches that would slowly turn into something more until they were both breathless and wanting. That had been Buck’s second favorite part for a while.
One night, he just hadn’t been up for it. The 118 had a rough call that day, some kids who were being stupid on a hiking trail, which resulted in two of them sliding down a cliff. They’d only been able to save one of them. It had hit Buck hard, seeing as he was the one who couldn’t get to the boy in time (it wasn’t his fault, according to everyone, but that didn’t make the guilt go away or even ease). The little boy didn’t get to go home to his mom and dad that night, and just the thought of it made Buck sick to his stomach.
He’d told Tommy all about it before dinner, had cried into his chest to try and relieve some of the pressure building in him like a pot ready to explode.
It must have slipped his mind as his hand slipped from Buck’s hip to the waistband of his sweats.
He’d grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, halting him before he could undo the strings. “Not tonight,” he’d whispered, his voice dull and drained.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Evan,” Tommy had said instantly, like realization had just dawned on him.
Buck smiled softly up at him, intertwining their fingers and letting their hands rest on his chest.
That was that.
Except Buck hadn’t been in the mood for the rest of the week. Every advance was shot down with a tired “Not tonight” or “I’m not really in the mood”. On Tommy’s part, he’d taken it with grace. They were firefighters, they knew sometimes calls stuck around and messed with people’s heads. He’d nod and drop the topic, distracting Buck with ease. It had warmed his heart to have Tommy understand and help.
Eventually, the grace and understanding dwindled.
Tommy’s hands would wander, and Buck would move them, thinking that was enough to convey his feelings. Tommy would move his hands right back. They’d do this little dance, Buck thinking it was actually kind of sweet how much Tommy wanted him.
He gave in, knowing that he needed the distraction and return to normalcy. It was… good. Really, it was. Sex with Tommy was always good. It was just different for some reason Buck couldn’t place.
Regardless of the differentness of it, Buck thought that was the end of his dry spell. He figured he would be back to normal and ready to go round for round again.
Except he wasn’t.
He still preferred their domestic, couple-y nights with a different type of intimacy. He wanted the handholding, cuddling, soft kisses type of love from Tommy, and Tommy wanted sex.
Buck, being Buck, knew he could handle that. He could have sex with his smoking hot boyfriend and settle for the warm, sleepy intimacy that came after. Nothing was better than cuddles after sex, right?
Right, except for the fact that the cuddling slowly got shorter. Either Tommy needed to be somewhere, or he was ready to fall asleep, or he was doing something on his phone, or he had paperwork for work that couldn’t be put off, or, or, or.
Okay, everything was okay; they were just getting busier now. That was fine, totally expected actually. Once the newness of a relationship wore off, reality and life set in. Buck knew that, of course, he knew that, he just hadn’t been prepared for it.
Nevertheless, Buck kept on. It was more nights of Tommy’s wandering hands and Buck’s adamant pushes. He wasn’t even sure why he pushed Tommy away anymore, just that he wasn’t as into it as before.
It wasn’t like he didn’t think Tommy was attractive. He had functioning eyes, he knew his boyfriend was hot as hell. Buck just… wasn’t in the mood, or when he was, Tommy wasn’t around. Their hectic schedules seemed to be biting them in the ass and that was all Buck chalked it up to be.
He’d told Tommy as much, but his boyfriend didn’t seem to be quite as convinced. He convinced Buck, though, over and over again. He made it seem inconvenient for Buck to turn him down, to say no. So, he said yes, over and over again.
It went on like that for months. Sex turned into a chore for Buck, something he didn’t even really look forward to. Every time Tommy started to kiss down his neck or let his hands roam below the belt, Buck would sigh. He’d say he wasn’t up for it, and Tommy would talk him into it.
“It’ll be quick.”
“You know you’ll enjoy it once we start.”
“It’s been three days, Evan.”
“Do you not find me attractive anymore?”
“Is there someone else?”
Buck found it easier to just give in.
“Buck, let’s go!”
Bobby’s yell broke him out of his own thoughts. He hadn’t even realized he’d gotten lost in them, completely tuning out the alarm going off through the station. They had a call they needed to get to, and Buck was just standing around.
Once the team was on their way out in the rig, Buck couldn’t ignore the glances being sent his way. He tried, he really tried.
“You good, Buck?” Eddie had asked over the comms.
Maybe Buck’s answer would have been different if it were just the two of them. Maybe he would have allowed himself a moment of weakness, a moment to open up about his messed-up head and the blurred lines of his recent breakup. But they were alone, they were in front of all their coworkers, their friends, their family, and Buck just couldn’t admit he was struggling. Not to their team, not when they needed him to be good, strong, ready for whatever their call entailed.
He forced a smile he hoped no one would pick up on, nodding his head once. “I’m good.”
Eddie’s eyes lingered on him, not quite believing the lie but having no time to push the topic further as they rolled up on the scene. Something in his gaze filled Buck with dread.
He wasn’t going to give up that easily and Buck couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or not.