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Chapter Text

Goobie snoobert flondered the halls of wander-wing, a slappy giggling sclapulously in rhythm with sneaker-falls fortuitous and frequent.
Walls whiter than Zephaniah’s cold clammy dermis stretched endlessly towards a horizon unseen. Plenty of doorways on each side with flabulous flings the likes of which you’d never seen. Until.

Dr. Gregorian House turned the corner with teeth glibbing gleamlessly. Orbs the color of antifreeze stored a stare harder than tungsten.

“Goobie Snoobert,” the doctor wised sardonically, cane tapping rhythmically. “I’ve for you a quest.”

“A quest?” Snoobered Snoobert. “I’m hardly worthy.”

“Don’t be an idiot, Goobie. You know what happens when you don’t do what you’re told.”

A scrupulous swallow galumped gdown goobie’s throat like a growth of gout. Doctor Mr. House glanced knowingly to the jar of piss pickled fingies of his most sworn enemies and also victims.

“Okay. s-sir!” Stuttered Snoobert in a whizz, saluting slappily. “What does the quest entail?”

“I require…”

“Yes?”

“You…”

“Me???”

“To…”

“YES?”

“Bring me the medicine drug.”

“The medicine drug??”

“Yes. It is imperative to me that the drug is in my posession.”

“Why such a thing?!” Snoobert scat agaspst. “I thought y-you hated the medicine drug !!”

“Yes. But I must have it. So no one else can be harmed.”

“What must I do?? To get the medicine drug??”

“You must find my goons. Each of them are corrupted by the medicine drug.”

Snoobert scribbled forgetulously upon a slim note pad. The one from Blues clues. Like, the actual one from the show. His most prized possession, next to BONK! Atomic Punch and baseball bat.

“And,” continued the house, “Lobotamize them, you must.” He spoke Yodaishly.

“But… but .. . . doctor house….” Scoobert goobie glamped. “Theyre our friends….”

“Not anymore, my bodacious bootied minion. Not anymore. Not until you stick THIS icepick into their eye sockets and give it a good swirl.” House produced said TOOL from his back pocket. It was Maynard themed. He plopped it upon the goober’d outstretched bandaided hand. “Go boy. Retrieve the Medicine drug.”

Chapter Text

TOOL in hand, the treppidious hero trekked across tiled halls. Snoobert could’ve sworn he saw that sticky stale stool just a few seconds prior… Either the furniture was following him or he’d been here before. Gulp.

“G…Ghello?” Goobie glumbered. Flashlight flickered in his hand as a creature crittered past. He skleeped at the sight and flingered afloot to the fague. He cowered in the corner with less courage than a draft-dodger that chose to move to canada instead of shooting himself in the foot.

“Be not afraid.” The voice of an outback angel. He outsimilated down from the ceiling tiles wrapped in wings, his face consumed. Index and middle fingers on the left-hand pointed towards the heavens while their right-hand twins towards the realm the nature of which we do not speak. Hair like the golden retriever’s comforting coat cascaded over shoulders and to the floor, gravity-defying by the majesty of his many wings.

“Crap!!” the scout-like creature cried aloud.

“For what do you fret, child? All is well now. Come, and rejoice.”

“D-Doctor Chase 1! This… this isn’t you!” Goobie cried. He clammored with cloggy clambs to the opposite wall.

“House got to you first, I see…” the form uttered mouthlessly. “He wants the medicine drug. I know he will not take it himself. If not for that, then what?”

“To keep it!” Cried Goobie. “Protect the souls of many!”

“LIES!!” Chase pulsed with light. The might threw Goobie back. The TOOL fell from his secretive grip.

“YOU…. YOU COME TO TAKE FROM ME THAT WHICH THE MEDICINE DRUG HAS GIVEN?!!?” Anger bloomed forth from a fissuring face. “I WILL REND YOUR REVOLTING FLESH INTO THE ATOMS THAT MAKE IT!”

Goobie Snoobert had sense, and so took the TOOL and ran. The clap of his asscheeks thundered with every heavy step, though did nothing to hinder Dr. Chase the Unrelenting Revenant.

“COME HERE BOY” He roared with the force of a thousand solar flares.

Goobie rounded the corner and slid beneath a pile of hospital beds. Chasen’t burst through them like the kool-aid man through drywall, undeterred.

“I AM THE BEGINNING AND THE END! I ENCOMPASS ALL HOLY AND UNHOLY! I AM CAIN AS WELL AS ABEL, FOR I AM BOTH THE SLAYER AND HIS VICTIM! YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE ME!”

For the time being, Goobie did. He found a crack in the wall the size of a dire mouse, and scrimbled within with more vigor than a maggot through rotting flesh. He pressed his back against the wall, holding the TOOL close to his chest and breathing like a frazzled rabbit.

“This is impossible,” sniveled Snoobert. “How am I supposed to kill god?”

“Fear not child,” squeaked a squaling soice. Goobie instinctively pointed the TOOL, shivering and shaking as if the temperature of his body were lower than that of the witch’s teet. From the darkness emerged Steve McQueen. His back ahunched and in one little hand a cane with flame decals.

“It is me,” he squilled. “Steve McQueen.”

“You, too, are in this episode?!?”

“Yes, my dear Scoobie. And I have come to help.”

“But how?” Snoobert sniffled. “How can I ever hope to defeat the kisser of dying 9-year-olds?”

“There is only one way to defeat the medicine drug. You must suscept yourself to mouse bites.”

“B-but Stevie!” Glambered Goobiert. “You’re a rat!”

“Yes, this is true. But I am not alone.”

From under Steeve’s racecar bed, scampered five hundred insect-sized mice. Goobie near wailed if not for Mister McQueen’s gallant grosity and super cool demeanor. The mice swarmed Goobie, blessing him with their bites until his skin gecame pockmarked with their gift.

“Now go, Goobie!” Steve boomed. “Before the power of my legion weans thinner! GO!”

Before Goobie Snoobert could start, the wall cleaved apart. Chasm’t clibbered his divine unholy mug through the opening with four lips springing wide.

“HERE’S CHASEY!”

Goober squealed a squale so sqiviny it rattled the walls. Imbued with the power of 500 mousebites, he struck the TOOL betwixt Chase’s original eyes. His face cracked open. Goobie’s work wasn’t done. He drew back the weapon and plundered it into the center eye socket, driving it in until he felt the neural tissue sucking succulently on the maynardian rod.

With great strength, he swivelled. It wound tangibly around, stirring the unclean mind of that wretched thing. Chasen’t roared, flailing with all of his limbs to escape but it was futile. The maw fell heavily, and the rest of the body stagnated. The eyes, reduced to sclerae, lulled around the back of his head. Goobie wrenched the TOOL from his face, dribbling with excess fleshy tendrils wrapped around it like spaghetti on a fork.

The form that once was Chase slumped to the ground. His body lifeless. He looked behind to where Steve once stood, and saw that he had gone. Breathing heavily, he watched as Chase’s form stitched itself back together, assuming the appearance it began with before he tried the medicine drug.

“Where is it?” Goobie demanded. “The medicine drug— where is it??”

“Allison…” Chase murmured. “She’s in danger.”

“Where…”

“The morgue. Please, Goobie… Save her soul…”

Goobie hesitated. “Chase… you’re cured, but… your body… You’re bleeding…”

“I’m gonna rest my eyes, and I’ll be all better. Go, Goobie. Before it is too late.”

Goobie glambered gloobulously away, gargantuan bingle bongles schlapping incredulously sadly behind him.

“Heh Heh….” Chase ertered. “I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go.”

Chapter Text

Air grew colder as Goobie descended the steps. Whispers of the dead filled his ears, silvering succulent sweet sentences that tickled the snail within  in ways it’s never been tickled before. In the way that the fallen angel Lucifer would tickle the ears of the temptable, slipping sweet evil nothings into their vulnerable subconscious with his super yucky tongue that he doesn't brush. The words they said were too wretched to ever be repeated by the tongue of man, or the fingers of man in case of typing. So that's why I can't tell you. 

“D…Dr. Cameron?” Goobie whimpered, stepping slimn’tly ahead with unbrave jiggles. He received no answer from Camera. It was probable she wasn’t around. At least, not by here. Snoobert wandered surrounded by silver cabinets of the dead. 

Goobie Snoobert was accosted by the stench of wrot welling from within one of the human stores. Before he could react, the drawer slid open and the bloated rotting corpse of some idiot popped out. 

“Great googly-moogley!” Goober cried out, only to alert the rest of them. They rattled in their drawers until they slid open and they too clambered out. He held the TOOL firmly, slashing out at the nearest one of them. Instead of inflicting a grievous wound, lightning shot from the tip like a wizard wand from hairy portapotty but cooler because it was not written by the mold witch. 

The zomboid jittered like a guy does when you taser him in the nips and fell to the ground, even more lifeless than he was in unlife. The others looked on in apathetictitude. Goobie screamed like a weeble in heat and began flunning like he’d never flun before. He turned a corner and hid behind it. Zombies are dumb and slow so they had to spend time looking for him while he heaved dramatically. 

“What was that??” Google gleebered, looking to the TOOL in his hand. It sparkled, covered in glitter (which is permanent now because once glittered, you cannot escape. And also it was kinda flesh colored so like… salmon in hue I would say. Perhaps mauve- wait I have to look that one up. No, not mauve. More peachy. But red-orangier, you know? Yeah, like salmon. Mm. Salmon. Delicious. Probably my favorite fruit you get from swimmin places.)

The zombins rounded the corner. Goobie Snoobert cussed and sprinted off. He ran past wals of more and more of those wall coffins. More dead rose and followed. 

“Psst! Over here!” A husky lady voice whispered authoritarianily from the ceiling tile. Goobie could not see her face, but she snatched him up and brought him to safetyness. The zombies ran bast stupidly like the idiots they were. Goobie sat up, eyes wide.

“Who— Who goes there?” he gloobered. 

“It’s me. Cuddy.”

“Holy shit! Mistress Cuddy! I thought— I thought—” 

“I’m not dead. I just haven’t spoken in a while.” 

"No, Mistress, I thought you hated me..."

"Why, my glubborous subservient friend?" 

"I thought you were jealous of the rump that follows me"

"Oh. Frankly idc goobs so long as you're not tryna outrump me we good"

"oh okay."

"Well... can I say you look taller than I remember, mistress?"

"Certainly, Goobie. Thank you for noticing. I have bought new pleasers." 

"Might we participate in the CBT mistress? It is what I deserve after all I have gone through and all I have done on my glamours gourney." 

"There isn't much time... but I can hold your balls while I tell you this." Her nails were very sharp. "You must hurry... Camehameha and her gang of gluttonous undead zoomers are trying to gen alpha cough sarcoidosis into the lungs of the healthy"

"By Jove! Should we put them on Interferon?" 

"Dammit, Goobie, focus, or I'll have to punish you and waste a lot of time. You have to cut it off at the source. Stick the TOOL betwixt cameron's 4th and 5th ribs, you will be able to dispatch her and destroy her power source."

"But-- the TOOl... It's too powerful for mortal hands like mine! I killed Goddess Chase!"

"You did not kill the Chaste, my dear gooby goober, merely struck sense into her. She will recover, as all goddi do. Those mouse bites are powreful stuff." 

"Gasp! Cuddylicsicous, how did you know1?"

"girl i'm omnipotentious duh" 

"oh yeah lol lmao" 

"ANYway, the mousebites are sooo powerful. You must learn to control their power or be consumed, bestie." 

"ohh... k" 

"Slright you need to get going gob. First of all, we're all on borrowed time and second of all my hand is getting tired. Also third I feel a lump."

"What??"

"U should... find Wilson... liike.... soon." 

"Am i gonna die?"

"Erm... no..." She lied. But Goobie was not omniscious ans didn't know the wiser so he calmed down real fast. "Maybe it's a third ball"

"Like a third eye... I'm wiser..."

'Yeah that's why you're the goobiest n all the land"

"Waow" 

"Okay but like u really need to get going."

"oH, right." 

"GO, GOOBER!" She boomed elequently, casting Thaumaturgy. "YOU MUST SAVE US ALL!!!" Curdle threw forth her splayed hand, forming a glowing vent-like hallowed hallway behind the glamorous goobert. Her twisted forenail motioned the half-homunculus ahead. 

Goob Dost swiftly ast he was toldst. He jiggle jangled through the aptly sized hallvent (big enough so his dumpy didn't get stucc) with two knees and two hands on the ground, back arched as the mistress commanded without words but her very presence. Prime position. Through the golden brick vent, the Bitch would continue on its quest to find Allison Ceremony and save her from wickedness.