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Things were better. Things were so much better now. So why was Bob still sad?
Living in the New Avengers (patent pending) Tower would have been a dream come true for little Bob, who was so painfully used to never having his own space or peace of mind. His head always had to be on a swivel, watching out for his father’s violent moods and keeping away from his mom when she was in a manic state. The constant racket and panic in his bones never ever went away, but he was away from all that now. He was in a safe place, an ivory Tower far above the harsh world below with people he could even call “friends” by his side….
So why did he sometimes still feel that gnawing void?
He snapped back to himself when Alexei and John barged into the common space. He thankfully wasn’t startled by their sudden appearance, since they had been squabbling very loudly down the hall before opening the door.
“-No I told you I’m ordering pizza, we’re done for today.” John said to Alexei, his eyes and hands firmly focused on his phone.
Alexei scoffed and barked out a jaunty laugh. “You are just angry Red Guardian defeated Walker so easily! We go one more round, then you will feel better!”
“You did not win that match, you just sweeped my leg like an asshole. I’m ordering Hawaiian, shut up.” John continued typing on his phone and sidestepped as Alexei tried to wrestle it away from him. Bob found himself beginning to smile at his friend’s antics.
“Do not tell me that Walker likes pineapple on the pizza?! This is your greatest shame yet, I will not stand for it. Order the pan pizza with the meats on it or Alexei will crush you in next training like a maggot!”
Walker finally looked up at his angry Russian companion as he very pointedly clicked the big ‘order’ button. He let an absolutely diabolical shit eating grin spread on his face, and Alexei was finally pushed over the edge. He roared in impotent rage and made a desperate grab for Walker’s device, but the slimmer super soldier just ducked out of the way yet again and started to play keep away, still with that grin contorting his features.
Bob flinched slightly as Alexei rammed into the far wall with a bit too much force, but he simply crossed his arms and hunched in his armchair. They were just rough housing, it was nothing. Everything was fine.
Just as Alexei had somehow managed to get his hulking body on top of Walker, Bucky strode through the open door to bear witness to the rapidly escalating scene. His forehead instantaneously developed three more creases and he gave a look of bemused resignation.
“Guys, come on, stop it. The pizza’s already ordered, it’s literally gonna be here in 5 minutes.”
“You do not understand the seriousness of situation, Solider! Walker has blasphemed by ordering the pineapple on pizza! I cannot stand idly by and let this go unpunished! He must be-“ Alexei was suddenly silenced by an elbow in the jaw by John, and the roles reversed with who was beating up who.
Yelena was the next team member to spontaneously materialize, silently appearing next to Bucky with her arms crossed and an amused expression. “Dad, let him win. He needs it after getting leg sweeped in that exercise.”
She knows exactly what she did. Bob fully smiled this time, knowing what was about to start. They locked eyes across the room, and a moment of shared amusement passed between them. It was little snapshots like these where Bob felt the emptiness that always seethed within his core truly recede, and like everything was going to be okay after all.
“Oh, it is ON-“ John tried to get up and move towards Yelena to retaliate for her barb, but Alexei surged forward and kicked him in the stomach with such force that he whooshed back.
“Only weak man fights for pride and vanity! Face Red Guardian like a sold-“
The chime of what could’ve passed for the tower’s doorbell rang out, and stopped everyone cold for a long moment.
“Hey, my food’s here!” John wrenched himself off the wall and bolted for the door, while Alexei stomped after him with a disgruntled shout. Bucky let out a long suffering sigh and Yelena allowed herself to smirk. Ava finally made her appearance, phasing through the wall right into the room and looking around in naked confusion.
“What the fuck? Was Alexei just screaming about pineapple on pizza?”
Yelena responded, “Walker is a freak of nature, and he deserves everything my father throws at him.”
Ava made a face of understanding and tapped her foot. “Maybe I’ll order food too, but this time something that we’ll all actually want to eat. You want anything? I’m thinking Italian from this really nice pasta place down the road.”
Yelena nodded as Ava pulled out her own phone and scrolled through the menu’s options. Bucky discreetly peered at it, and chimed in with his own order after the girls decided what they wanted.
“Hey Bob, are you hungry? We’re ordering Italian!”
Bob blinked, coming back to his body. He sat up slightly and replied awkwardly, “Uh yeah, I’ll take a bowl of Bolognese if they have it?”
Yelena scrolled for a bit before giving him a thumbs up. “Yup! It’ll be here in 10 minutes!”
Bob felt a warmth bloom in him as Yelena, Ava, and Bucky gave him gentle, reassuring smiles. No one had cared enough to ask his opinion before this bunch of ragtag misfits came along. No one had ordered him food with zero judgment in their eyes, no one had ever looked at him like someone who was worthy of being taken care of.
But Alexei and John soon came barreling back in, John delicately balancing his pizza box in one hand above his head while Alexei continued to rant at his teammate.
“That shit is disgusting, how you can stomach it I do not know! But I demand rematch, winner gets to eat or throw out revolting pizza!” Alexei looked smugly confident, and Walker was just about to take a bite out of his spoils of war before turning to meet the big Russian’s challenge.
“You know what? Fine! When I win, you’re going to eat a full slice of this Hawaiian pizza, and I am going to savor every last second of it.”
Alexei chuckled darkly, and extended an arm to gesture towards the sparring room. “Go ahead, dime mart Captain America. Show me what you got!”
John hurried out of the room, and Alexei excitedly followed suit. Bucky rolled his eyes and went after them, presumably to act as a (somewhat) impartial referee, while Ava phased downstairs to wait for the delivery. Suddenly, it was just Yelena and Bob left.
The emptiness had returned as everyone dispersed. With each team member gone, that unexplainable feeling rose up again and beared its teeth at Bob. He wanted to go and watch John and Alexei’s match, but the distinctive voice in his head told him he’d only be distracting. He wanted to chat with Ava about the restaurant and what she liked about it, but that same voice whispered he’d only be annoying her. He wanted to thank Yelena for asking him what he wanted, but yet still, he felt the burden of his existence weighing down on him.
Useless.
Freeloader.
Boring.
Lazy.
They couldn’t wait to escape from you.
You make everything wor
“Hey.”
Bob blinked hard, and there Yelena was, right in front of him and crouching down to meet him at his level. He had curled in on himself in the plush armchair and was clutching at his hair tightly. He hadn’t even noticed until she said something.
“Hey Bob, it’s okay. Are you alright? Did my dad and Walker do something to startle you?” Her voice was so achingly soft, and her eyes even more so.
“I-I uh, yeah…sorry. I just got in my head.”
Yelena kept her eyes on him, and gently settled into a sitting position from her crouch. “I can tell them to keep it less rough while you’re in the room, if you want? I know their yelling and screaming can be a bit much, sometimes it gets to me too.”
Bob fully uncurled his body and tried to sit up straighter in the chair. “No it’s fine, I just…I can’t stop thinking that…”
He trailed off. Yelena didn’t demand for him to continue, just kept on sitting attentively. Eventually he drew in a breath, and pressed on.
“I still feel it. That thing. The thing that swallowed New York…the Void. Even when I’m happy or even sitting doing nothing…I can feel it. I thought that maybe we had gotten past that, you guys are always here for me even though I’m such a burden-“
“No.” Yelena interrupted abruptly. “You are not a burden, Bob. Never a burden. We took you in because we care about you, and without you we would never have escaped Val’s trap or ever become a functioning team. Hell, I would’ve killed Walker a long time ago if you hadn’t held me back!”
Bob allowed himself to laugh at her joke, and some of that darkness clogged in his throat abated slightly. She wasn’t done, however.
“You’re our friend Bob, not just our teammate; we don’t leave friends behind. And just because we defeated the Void once doesn’t mean that it’s gone forever, despite how much we want that to be the case. It’s still there, I don’t know if it can ever truly be banished for good…but we’ll be there for you as long as you need us. We aren’t going anywhere, and we don’t think less of you for needing help from time to time. Please let me, or anyone else here, know if you’re struggling, okay? We promised we’d help, and I will personally beat the ass of anyone who even thinks about backing out.”
Bob smiled finally, and nodded. The warmth that had drained out of him gratefully returned, and although the void pulsed hungrily in his chest, he was able to breathe around it and see the truth in Yelena’s words. He was so lucky to have her and the rest of the Thunderbolts—or was it New Avengers? It was confusing.
“Okay, now that was really good.” He said.
Yelena wiped her hands down her face. “Oh god, I’m turning into my father. My worst nightmare.”
Bob laughed. He knew what her real worst nightmare was, but this sounded like a close second.
Yelena stood up and stretched, bones cracking and joints flexing. Bob took the opportunity to finally stand up too, feeling invigorated after their talk.
“Do you want to spectate the match with me after our food gets here? I really want to watch my father beat the shit outta Walker.”
Bob nodded, “Sure. But it would kinda be great if Alexei had to eat pineapple on pizza.”
Yelena smiled knowingly, and began to walk with him towards the door. “Oh that would be just as good—he hates mixing textures and sweet on savory.”
Once they reached the door, Ava lightly stepped out of the wall with the bags full of food. “Pasta is here, piping hot and ready to go!” She distributed everyone’s meals, and they all together made their way to the training room to witness the travesty that was taking place there.
Bob felt so much better. That gnawing Void wasn’t gone, never gone, but after his talk with Yelena…it didn’t feel so hopeless. He would continue to have these down days, it was just how he was, but there would always be people to stand by him, even if he didn’t know why they would choose to stay.
They would stay with him even through it all.