Work Text:
Official Snake Squad Betting Pool
First Public Kiss:
Pansy: Obviously in the Restricted Section. Between Advanced Spell Theory and Emotional Repression, shelf thirteen. It’ll be hot, desperate, and they’ll knock over at least three cursed tomes in the process. I’ll know the moment it happens—because the castle will tremble with sexual tension finally released.
Luna: Midsummer’s Eve. Behind the greenhouse. A rose bush will bloom spontaneously, and a fox will pass by wearing a monocle. That’s how you know it’s real.
Ginny: Honestly? Probably while Hermione’s mid-rant and Draco short-circuits. Bonus points if it happens during Prefect rounds. Extra bonus if it's on a stair that moves halfway through.
Theo: Library. Obvious. Mid-study session. He’ll say something smug, she’ll call him a pretentious toe-rag, and then they’ll lunge. I’ve already sketched it out in my Dramione zine: ‘A Kiss Most Forbidden: Love in the Time of Arithmancy.
Blaise: I don’t care. But statistically? Astronomy Tower. Because Draco’s dramatic and Hermione reads horoscopes. Put me down for ten galleons.
Most Likely Witness
Pansy: Ron. Obviously. Trauma builds character, and that boy needs a full personality overhaul. I hope he walks in just as Draco’s shirt comes off
Luna: A third-year Hufflepuff named Rhea who will, after witnessing it, develop a lifelong passion for romantic poetry and become the youngest published witch at Witch Weekly. It was fated
Ginny: Neville. Poor, sweet, unsuspecting Neville. He’ll water a plant and accidentally walk in on Granger’s Greenhouse Gropefest. He’ll never recover.
Theo: Me. Because I planned it that way. Not even sorry. I’ll be behind a bookshelf with snacks, whispering ‘GET IT’ like a pervy poltergeist.
Blaise: Filch. May he never know peace again
Collateral Damage (AKA Ron's Reaction)
Pansy: He’s going to punch a suit of armor, break his own wrist, and then blame Hermione for it. I give it two hours post-kiss reveal. Tops
Luna: He’ll scream into a pumpkin. Then the pumpkin will scream back. It’ll be a learning moment for him, I think
Ginny: He’ll try to duel Draco in the corridor, trip over his own ego, and hex himself bald. Mum’s going to love that.
Theo: There will be yelling. Possibly fire. He might attempt to write Hermione a tragic poem in blood-red ink. I’ll frame it
Blaise: Ron’s going to throw hands, a tantrum, and probably his porridge. I’d say the damage will include one bench, a portrait, and the last shreds of his dignity. I’m here for it