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If a butterfly’s wings are damaged, its ability to survive is greatly diminished, often leading to a significantly shortened life and, ultimately, its death.
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“Why did you stop taking your medication?”, Chris asked, eyeing Josh who sat across from him, strapped to the wooden pillar.
“Does it matter?”, Mike said, he sounded pissed, which Chris understood but he hadn’t asked Mike.
“I was asking Josh,” Chris said, still fixating Josh with his gaze.
“Uhu, sure,” Mike said and fumbled around with the gun, “as if he can give you a coherent answer right now.”
Yeah, okay, probably Mike had a point. Josh hadn’t been the most coherent person since he unmasked himself, it felt like his mental state was crumbling down. Fast.
Chris wasn’t even sure if Josh had understood his question, he didn’t look at Chris or Mike. He just stared through the open doors, staring into the snowy dark, while sucking on his bottom lip. His face was dirty and his hair messy, a few strands fell over his forehead, his eyes looked glassy. It seemed like he wasn’t even here at the moment.
“I know he’s not the most…”, Chris hesitated, he didn’t want to say sane, because that would imply that Josh was probably the opposite, that Josh was insane.
“Sane?”, Mike completed helpfully.
Chris sighed, observing how Josh’s eyes flickered and rolled around in their sockets, while his lips moved in an unspoken whisper.
“Yes,” Chris said, fingers twitching against the cold and the uneasiness in his chest. Why hadn’t he seen it? He should have, right? He was Josh’s best friend, they had done a lot together, before and after Beth’s and Hannah’s death. Chris had known that Josh hadn’t been in the best mental condition after his sisters had died and Chris had also known about the medication and about the depression and the PTSD but not about… this.
Chris was no expert, but very likely Josh had more mental issues than depression and PTSD. He seemed almost -
Chris exhaled, no, nonono, he wouldn’t even think it.
“Uhm hey guys,” Josh suddenly said, rocking his head gently from one side to another, not looking at them, “don’t be mad, okay?”
Chris’ heart sank.
“It was, you know, just… just a prank,” Josh giggled, “you know a… a prank how you played on Hannah. Just a fun little -, just fun guys, you’ve to understand some fun.”
Josh puffed out his cheeks and let the air escape again, making the sound a child would make to imitate a car, “Just fuuuuuuuun, it was fun! I brought everyone together again!”, then he laughed and wiggled against the ties, “Damn man, no wiggle room. That’s not how you do it,” he shook his head, “Nooo, no! That’s- that’s not how you do that, you need wiggle room, that’s important for the story. Can’t make a great escape otherwise and -”
“Can you shut up again?”, Mike cut in harshly, “Just shut the fuck up, okay?”
Josh hummed, starting to move his upper body in a snoozing manner and actually stayed silent.
“Chris,” Mike turned his attention back to Chris, looking straight into his eyes, “We should go back, we already stayed here long enough. I mean we did our job, we tied him up nicely and made sure he calmed down enough to not free himself. We really, really should go back!”
They should’ve gone back the moment they had tied Josh up, but Chris had wanted to stay a bit longer, to make sure Josh wouldn’t free himself again and hurt someone or… himself. So Mike was right, they had done their job and still Chris couldn’t leave yet.
Not yet.
“You can go,” Chris said, nodding at Mike, “I’ll stay a little while longer.”
Mike frowned at him suspiciously, “Why?”
Chris immediately felt offended how little Mike trusted him but on the other hand he couldn’t blame him, Josh was his best friend and he had hit the gun out of Mike’s hands the moment he thought someone would hurt him, so yeah, Mike’s distrust was probably justified.
“I wanna talk to him,” Chris answered honestly, “I’ve still got a few things to ask him before I can go back again.”
Mike’s gaze flickered to Josh, who was still gently rocking back and forth while quietly talking to himself, and then back to Chris, “I don’t know dude, he doesn’t seem like he’s in the mood to talk to someone real.”
Chris gave him a hard look, “You can go, I’ve got it under control.”
Mike pressed his lips together and stood up, gun still in his hand, he looked troubled, “For the protocol, I don’t like this and I’ll come back in thirty minutes if you didn’t return to the lodge until then, alright?”
Chris was almost touched how Mike wanted to protect the others, how he didn’t want Chris to do something stupid with Josh (or Josh doing something stupid with Chris, it was probably both). He had never seen Mike as the protective type over his friends. His girlfriend? Yeah sure, but his friends?
No, not really, Chris had never seen it before, so yes, he was a little bit touched.
“That’s alright,” Chris said quietly, already shifting his attention away from Mike to Josh again.
“But I mean it,” Mike said, looking down at Chris, “Don’t make me regret this.”
Chris scoffed, feeling something cutting through his chest at the word regret, he felt so fucking guilty, “You won’t, I promise.”
·
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Chris truly felt guilty, he also felt kinda pissed for what Josh had done to them, but he mostly felt guilty, because even he, without any professionalism whatsoever, could see that something was deeply wrong with Josh. He could see that Josh hadn’t taken his medication regularly and that his therapist was a piece of shit who hadn’t prevented Josh’s downfall.
“Hey, Josh,” Chris said and stood up, walking over to his best friend, kneeling down in front of him, stones creaking under his boots.
Josh didn’t look at him, still silently talking to himself and rocking himself back and forth. Chris wasn’t even sure Josh currently knew he was in front of him.
“Josh,” Chris said, giving his voice a soft edge, he didn’t want to snap at his friend, Josh had been snapped and pushed around enough for one night, it wasn’t doing his mental health any favours.
“Can I ask you something?”, Chris continued, trying to get, at least, a little crack in Josh’s head to look into it, to understand more.
To truly see Josh.
Josh didn’t answer, only mumbling and rocking, giving Chris no attention.
Probably Josh really didn’t know Chris was (still) there with him.
Maybe Josh hadn’t known that Chris was still with him since his sister died a year ago. Immediately something cold settled in Chris’ stomach, making his heart heavy. He should’ve taken better care of his best friend. He had known about Josh’s mental health issues, for Christ’s sake, and hadn’t done anything, had let himself be blinded by the perfect facade.
He had been so blind.
He hated himself for it.
“I’m sorry,” Chris whispered and ran his hand over his face, “I’m fucking sorry.”
Chris should’ve been a better friend in the end, he hadn’t been a good friend, he felt so guilty it threatened to suffocate him.
“Sorry,” echoed Josh suddenly and hummed, “I’m sorry,” dark blue eyes flickered over Chris’ face, “It was just -, nothing serious, I hurt no-one.”
Chris inhaled, he wanted to believe Josh so badly, but he couldn’t, maybe could never again?
“Why didn’t you tell me?”, Chris asked, trying to catch Josh’s gaze, “We could’ve figured it out together, you don’t need to do everything alone.”
Josh didn’t answer.
“I’m sorry if I gave you the feeling of being…”, yeah Chris, of what? Alone? Lonely? Not being seen? Not being cared about? All of it?
Chris lowered his eyelids, he had fucked up so badly, “I’m sorry you had the feeling you couldn’t rely on me.”
Josh hummed.
Chris felt how frustration sneaked besides his guilt, talking to Josh felt like grasping sand. How did this happen? In the early evening Josh had been normal, but Chris should’ve realized something was up…, right? He was the best friend after all, goddammit.
He should’ve seen it.
Not only for Josh’s sake but also for their friends and for… for Hannah and Beth. They had always looked after their older brother just like Josh had looked after them. So Chris owed them to look after Josh now and well, he had fucked up badly apparently.
“Hannah,” Josh whispered and Chris’ heart did a little anxious backflip, “Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, Beth, Beth, Beth, miss you, miss you, please, no, miss you, miss you, Hannah, Beth, miss -”
Before Chris could think further about his action, heart breaking while listening to Josh’s desperate mumbling, his left hand touched Josh’s knee, feeling the rough cotton and coldness under his skin, unconsciously wanting to comfort Josh.
Chris couldn’t bear to see Josh breaking his soul further apart while talking about his sister, vocalising his pain and loneliness.
Josh froze under Chris’ fingers, while his eyes went round and his gaze snapped to Chris’ eyes, piercing into them, but not with recognition, but with…, what was it?
“I miss them so much,” Josh said, voice cracking around the words, “I miss them so fucking, so fucking much, so much, I can’t take -, I can’t -, it’s not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair, no joke, no prank, no fun, no fun, not funny, no -”
“Josh,” Chris cut in, raising his right hand, fingers itching to touch Josh, wanting to ease his emotional pain somehow, but… was Chris allowed to touch him?
What would normal Josh want? Would he like to be physically comforted by Chris?
“Don’t leave me,” Josh said, a sob escaping his throat, “Don’t leave me, I don’t want to be alone, please, please, please.”
Chris’ heart instantly shattered in a thousand pieces. Josh was crying, really crying, sobbing desperately.
“I won’t,” Chris said quietly and laid his hand on Josh’s cheek, feeling the hotness of the other’s skin while tears were dropping on his fingers, making them wet, “I won’t, no-one will leave you ever again.”
“D-don’t leave, don’t, don’t,” Josh cried and leaned against Chris’ hand, “Don’t leave me, please.”
“I won’t,” Chris said, his other hand coming up as well, now cupping Josh’s face, looking him straight into the glassy and watery eyes, seeing only loneliness and despair, “I won’t leave,” he would never leave Josh ever again.
Josh had done something horrible, had spun a scary net in his head, a cruel plan to hurt his friends in revenge for what they had done last year. Josh had hurt them, but he hadn’t hurt them as they had hurt him. They had ignored him, hadn’t looked after him, Chris hadn’t. Chris had probably hurt Josh the most of all of them, so it was Chris’ part to pick up the pieces and he would pick up the pieces, he won’t leave, he won’t ignore, he’ll care.
Chris leaned his forehead against Josh’s, absorbing the closeness to his best friend, feeling an invisible bond forming around them, tying them together, bonding them, “I will never leave you ever again, I promise.”
And Chris always kept his promises.