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- For everyone who sometimes thought they're less than they are, this was written for you -
Her face glistened in the transparent glass she held in her hand. She looked at her own face and didn't know what to think. She tried to ignore that feeling, but it was somehow everything she could see, and it was everywhere - in the posters on the wall, in shitty magazines, on her phone, in her own head. It was all around, and she slowly didn't even know why she was still trying.
Before she could stop it, a tear began to roll down her cheek. She watched it as it made its way down, leaving a hot feeling behind. Luckily it wasn't big enough to smear her mascara, though she didn't really care now.
"Can I sit down?" a familiar voice asked. It was obvious he was standing just a short distance away from her.
"Yeah. Yeah, sure," she said, wiping away a flowing tear with a slight flick of her wrist, hoping he hadn't noticed.
The footsteps of vans hitting the school floor slowly approached her. Luke took the seat on her left. Neither of them said anything, there was complete silence between them, which wasn't that common. It was more than obvious that something had happened to both of them.
Muffled music drifted towards them from the gym. Someone at the DJ desk was playing the Crazy in love song.
Luke stared at the ground in front of him. Normally, he would've done anything to look Julie in the eyes, but today he especially wanted to avoid her gaze.
Julie shook her half-empty bottle of tequila. "I'd offer you but... You know," she whistled, indicating his current situation.
"Yeah, I could really use it right now," he said, his eyes drifting toward Julie. She sounded drunk, and the bottle only confirmed his opinion. Julie surprised him more and more every day, learning new things about her and listening to what had happened before they came. Still, he didn't expect to ever see her drunk for some reason.
"Why aren't you with the others?" he gestured toward the gym, where all their peers were enjoying the time of their lives right now.
"Nick left me," she replied, taking a sip of tequila.
"Did he break up with you?" he asked, puzzled. He didn't like Nick, but still, this didn't get along with him. It made zero sense.
"We're not even dating," she protested. "But he went to hang out with his friends rather than his girlfriend.”
"Didn’t you two come here together?”
Julie laughed slightly. "No, I've never been to a dance with a boy.”
"You've never liked one?”
"Oh, yeah I did. I've always liked boys," she paused for a moment before adding something softly with a sigh. "But they never did like me.”
Luke finally turned to her. He watched her play with the bottle and stare unblinkingly at the wall in front of her. She wore a long purple dress and wore her hair in an unusual but pretty up-do. She looked beautiful. "I don't believe it," he finally declared.
"Well, you'll have to, ‘cause it’s true," she replied.
"Are you telling me that no one ever liked Julianna - in the night a worldwide rockstar - Molina?"
The girl chuckled. "You still haven't figured out what my full first name is?"
Luke thought for a moment. "Well, I figured out it is not just Julie... I just still can't figure out what it's short for."
The corner of her mouth lifted slightly, which is why Luke smiled, too. He took a deep breath and threw his head back. The hair on the top of his head rested against the cold wall behind him.
"If not Nick, then what is it?" he asked.
"I've. . ." she began, but the vocal cords didn't let anything else out.
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, Jules."
Today sucked for Julie, and she was afraid to start talking about it, but despite the alcohol in her blood, she knew she could tell Luke everything. If she kills someone, he'd be the first person she tells about it to. Maybe if she lets it out of her, she'll be at least a little relieved.
"I've never been the kind of girl to catch a guy's eye, you know. No one ever liked me, and none ever invited me anywhere, even in primary school," she moistened her lower lip, because it was dry in her mouth and she wanted to take some time to figure out what she wanted to say. "They just never paid any attention to me. Carrie was the one they paid attention to, and she took advantage of it. I think that's one of the reasons why Flynn never liked her that much. But whatever, maybe I just wasn't made for it… You remember the boy I told you about?"
Luke nodded. "Yeah."
"And you asked me why wouldn't I just tell him," she continued. "Why don't I tell him I like him, that it's not that hard. And also that it's not, to say it is the easiest thing to do. I'm more worried about the consequences. I'm afraid he sees me in a way that I'm not really here…" Her voice broke slightly at the end, and she tried not to show it as much as possible. She bit her lip hard. The last thing she needed today was Luke to see her cry.
"You're afraid he doesn’t even see you. . ." he added instead.
"Yeah," she swallowed hard. "Yeah, exactly."
"Why do you think that it's going to be like that?" he shook his head.
"I'm not…" She must've mustered up a lot of strength to even begin it. "I'm just not enough. I'm inadequate. I know it could've been worse, and this isn't that bad, but it's just normal, casual, nothing special. I'm average." She was barely holding on now, so that she wouldn't have a complete mental breakdown. "There's no wonder why no one even wants to kiss me. I mean, I've had a few kisses, but it's always sucked, for them and even for me. And the worst part is, I don't even like my body that much. I hate my clothes, and sometimes I feel like my skin doesn't fit over my bones. And my legs are so short, and it's weird. But according to all the teenage documents they're forcing us to watch out here, I'm not going to grow up much more."
She felt her tears begin to flow down, freely and without her permission, forming their own hot and humid roads.
She always did what she was supposed to do. She bought all the clothes that they told her to buy. She chased some dumb ideal her whole fucking teenage life. And the worst part is that none of it ends. There will always be something in the mirror that you think looks wrong. You'll just feel shit over and over again.
"Sometimes I don't even like the things I'm good at," she continued. "I resent my voice and everything I write right now, and the way I play the piano. I know I'm good at it and kinda talented and stuff, but there are times when I just hate it so much." Her voice dropped an octave. "I'm not special, I don't feel like that. And I could change up my body and my face and try every lipstick in every shade, but I’d always feel the same. Because pretty isn't pretty enough anyway," she said, turning to Luke and catching his gaze, which followed her intently all the while. "You're not going to say anything?"
"Well," he swallowed dryly. "I've got really short legs, too." And at that moment, Julie let out a real laugh for the first time all evening.
"Really? Is that what you took from it?" she said between their loud and gurgling laughs.
"Either way, it's pretty brutal," Luke observed as the two of them grew quiet and calm.
"Yeah..." She found some inconsequential spot in the distance behind him, where she stabbed her gaze. "Dad says these are my golden years, and we're supposed to have a good time. But sometimes I wish I could rather disappear, though."
"Parents are not always right about everything," Luke announced.
There was another moment of silence, but this one wasn't so painful. They both needed at least a little processing of what was being said. Julie finally broke it off.
"I remember when I was about 11, we were rehearsing for a dance at school, and the thing was, the boys should have picked and asked a girl to dance. No one came for me back then," she said.
"Really?" he watched her drink from the bottle again.
"Yeah," she said. "All the girls were dancing, and I was just sitting there, all alone. I felt sad and sorry, but I didn't cry. I wanted to, but I didn’t."
Luke thought for a moment, his eyebrows furrowing slightly. "What about Flynn? Didn't she comfort you or something? I thought you guys had been best friends since, well, always."
Julie smiled. "She probably wasn't even there. For as long as I can remember, she's said that it's stupid, she's not gonna do it, and she'd rather spend the whole dance night raising ghosts in the cemetery."
Yeah, that sounded like Flynn to him.
The boy rested his chin on his hunched knees. "That sucks."
"Tell me about it." Julie expected it to end this way. That he wouldn't say anything anymore because it would be too weird.
"You should have gone with her," Luke said.
"What?" she let out a confused sound.
"Yeah," he smiled at her, and Julie felt like she was going to vomit from the rush of heat brought on by his smile and the amount of alcohol in her blood. "Maybe we'd have gotten to know each other sooner then."
For a moment, they stared blankly into each other's eyes. Luke was as melting in her beautiful dark browns as she was in his hazel ones. The only difference was that her irises were more widespread, but he didn't care. Then Julie couldn't stand it and burst out laughing. He just followed her action.
They didn't know how long they had been laughing and didn't care, they didn't even think about it at the time. Julie only knew that the amount and length of laughter made her want to vomit even more than before, and the boy's stomach clenched and hurt, but it made him laugh even harder when he brushed his gaze against his hysterically laughing friend.
Unlike her, Luke hadn't consumed a drop of alcohol in the evening, but he still felt drunk in Julie's presence.
"How come you always know how to make me laugh?" she giggled.
"I'm just doing my job," he stated. Julie smiled to herself. He wasn't supposed to see that smile, it was meant to be for her only. Still, Luke didn't overlook it. "And I think I'm doing it well," he added, his eyes fully fixed on her.
She didn't realize what he'd said until she looked at him. It wasn't until afterward that she realized, betrayed by the intense look he gave her, with tenderness in his eyes.
She swallowed loudly and opened her mouth, ending up looking more like a fish because nothing came out of it. Instead, her own body betrayed her, and she felt the blood rushing into her cheeks. She could hear the hollow beat of her heart as blush formed on her face.
Julie hoped he hadn't noticed her blush, but it was clear to her that this was just the last shred of hope. Her breath brought her back to reality, where she realized how much they stared at each other.
"I- I- I…" she stammered. "I was just kind of hoping that maybe things would change in high school, and that maybe someone would invite me this time, but..." She didn't have to say it out loud for him to understand what she was trying to say. He didn't want to force her into something that she wasn't 101% OK with. "I don't know what it is, maybe I'm not nice enough or pretty enough, or maybe I'm just not made for it."
And he suddenly realized that it wasn't what she looked like or the angle the other boys were looking at her from. It depends on who's watching. Because while others found her mediocre, he thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world, and that he had never seen someone more beautiful in his life. He thought her voice was like angels singing and whenever he heard her, he felt like Odysseus when he tied himself up to a flagpole just so he could hear the sirens singing.
Every time Julie passed, the wind began to blow, and it was the angels who sang. And it tortured him that he couldn't tell her all this… That he couldn't let her know anything he really thought about her. Because this wouldn't work even if they both wanted to, not even if she liked him the way he liked her.
She's going to have a prom one day, and he won't be able to take her to it. And then she goes to college, but he won't be able to be there with her. And someday she'll want to have kids and start a family, but that's not something a phantom can do (I mean, probably, Flynn with Willie still hasn't really found out everything yet).
As long as Luke is dead, there's no road or shortcut or roundabout where they can go together. They won't be together forever. Julie will grow up and become a beautiful, confident woman with a bright future, while he's still just a 17-year-old boy stuck in her dad's garage.
"I think you're really pretty," he said, raising his hand and carefully tucking one short, restless trickle behind her ear.
Julie was careful not to show the slightest hint of discomfort. And if she did feel one, she didn't show it. "I’m sure, little Luke would have asked you to dance back then."
"I doubt it," she replied, close to tears.
"Why?" he asked with a slight smirk.
"I had new braces on at the time, and they looked awful because I chose-" she sobbed, smiling at the memory. "I chose pink rubber bands. I couldn't talk with it at all, I couldn't really say anything. No one could understand a word I said, and I was spluttering so hard."
"That's not so bad. I sounded like a dying rat, in turn, and my voice broke at every second word and was impossibly high," he smiled. "Yeah, and I had a terrible acne problem, too."
"You?" she cried, startled, and her eyes widened.
Luke nodded. "Yeah, I looked like a tomato. It was horrendous and terribly unpleasant."
"Wait a minute," she said, stopping him. She put the bottle down, so both hands were free. She edged slightly closer to him, awkwardly taking his face in her hands.
Luke looked shaky at first, but eventually he went soft and let her. He couldn't forbid it, not with how much weakness he held for her in him. She was like an achilles heel to him, his little weak spot.
Cautiously, she began examining every inch of his face. From his ruffled bangs to his thick eyebrows to his eyes, where she paused for a moment.
"You've got nothing there now," she said in a half-whisper.
"Yeah, thank puberty for that," he whispered back.
They were separated by only a few inches, which the drunk Julie was probably unaware of. Normally, she wouldn't touch him like that, not because she wouldn’t want to, but she'd be afraid of his reaction.
Their breathing thickened, and they slowly began to merge into one. She saw his bow's eyes go down from hers. She didn't realize where until she imitated him herself. She glanced over his nose and stopped, intrigued by something small. She studied the scars left on his face. There were a lot of them, but they were so small you wouldn't normally notice them. She'd never noticed them before.
They must have been left there after his battle with acne. It was weird, but she thought it was kind of cute. Just like the little freckle over his chin. With heavy breathing and a light touch, she brushed it carefully. He could barely feel it, but it still tickled him.
His every fold never ceases to be interesting to her, but something made her stop. Maybe it was that bit of her sober self. So she put her hand back on his cheek, and as her eyes drifted lower, she understood what he had been staring at all this time, at her lips.
His tongue slipped out and wet his lips. Julie was mesmerized by it. The bottom one was bigger and plumper. It looked like it was right there waiting to be kissed by her. She was so interested in what it tasted like, she wanted to taste it on her own.
Luke wondered if their lips would fit together just as perfectly as their hands had done the first time they had intertwined. Each finger had a specially sculpted articulated socket for itself, which other than the one did not fall into.
Their hands were made to stick together. Their voices were made to sing together. Maybe it was the same with their lips… Maybe it was the same with them. Maybe they were made for each other.
She ran her hand from his face to the back of his head, where she had taken up residence as her face drew ever closer. An electrical current ran through his entire body from the gesture.
She saw how he closed his eyes for a moment when she scratched the nape of his neck. She could feel it as he shivered, how velvety his hair was under her fingertips, and how their breaths tickled both of them at the same time at the bottom of their faces.
They were millimeters apart, but neither of them took a significant step. They weren't allowed to do it, and they both knew it.
"You smell like tequila," Luke interrupted their little bubble.
"I know, I'm sorry," Julie apologized as she pulled away.
He laughed. "It's okay, I'm pretty used to it." And for the umpteenth time in the night, Julie smiled with him. That's how well she was feeling, that's how well they were feeling when they were together… They wished they could stay like that together forever.
"You know, I'd ask you out," he said while Julie raised her eyebrows in puzzlement. "Back then at the ball, and even now, no regrets," he explained.
"Really?" She tilted her head to one side.
"Mhm, with braces and two ponytails or a long purple dress and that cute gap between the teeth."
"Uh, you think it's cute?" she began to tease him.
Unable to make a sound because of this, he nodded quickly. "Oh, and by the way, your hair's done nicely," he ventured after a moment.
"Thanks," she said, raising her hand and touching it lightly from behind.
Luke's eyes narrowed. "It's… Is that cool? Because it looks pretty much weighed down-"
"Oh, my God, it's frickin' weighed down. I've got it clipped with, like, three rubber bands that are taut to the point of bursting, and I've got at least a ton of hairpins in it. It's scratching my head," she interjected.
"Can I just-" he slowly stretched out his hand toward her.
"Oh, yeah," she said. "Yeah, sure." So he started untying the rubber bands from her hair and she finally felt the right freedom.
"God, thank you. You wouldn't believe how much it scratches," she said as she ran her hands through her hair. They flitted all over her face, but in the end there was only one forgotten curl hanging in the front.
"No problem, Jules. Anything for you, you know that," he smiled, tucking the curl behind her ear with his right hand. "Plus, I think I like you more like this anyway."
Julie grinned at him and rested her head against the cold wall.
"I'm serious, Julie. If I could invite you, I would," he repeated.
"But you sounded like a troublemaker who wasn't interested in girls."
"That's not even that big of a problem. I doubt you'd say yes to me. Besides the voice and the acne, I was also awfully small."
"Not that it's changed much," she chided.
"I'll act like I didn't hear that," he says, shaking his head. "But seriously, I was the same height as the girls, a year lower."
"Then it's lucky you're two years older than me," she said, using her best cute puppy eyes, which only then could she do.
And there they were, staring blankly at each other, lost in each other's eyes. And Julie didn't mind, she was glad it was like that. She wouldn't trade those moments with him for anything in the world, not even for any living boy.
The start of that evening might not have been the best, but they were both more than happy. Because who knows how long Julie would have been there staring at herself in the glass of tequila if Luke hadn't interrupted her.