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“I can do this. I can do this. I. Can. Do. This.” Nagisa chanted as he got closer to his boyfriend’s apartment. He had been slowing his steps down as much as he could, dread and anxiety creeping up in every part of his body.
To say he is scared won’t even suffice what he is feeling. No, Nagisa is terrified, so fucking terrified that he is covered with cold sweats and can’t stop shaking. Every worst scenario possible filled his head and his heart won’t stop hammering against his chest.
What if he doesn’t accept it? What if he leaves? Shit.
Nagisa cursed under his breath as he contemplates whether to knock or just use the key his lover gave. He just stood there glaring at the poor door not knowing what to do. Ah, fuck it. He’d just use the key, its given to him for this purpose anyway. Not like his boyfriend would be scared if suddenly showed himself. Besides, the news Nagisa has would probably be even scarier.
Holding the doorknob, Nagisa took a deep breath before entering the apartment. Much to his surprise there are noises coming from inside. It looks like the other had visitors and judging from the voices, it was their friends from 3E.
What are they doing here? Nagisa thought as he walked along the hallway that leads to where he guessed everyone is. As he was about to make his presence known, he heard Nakamura mentioned him. “Karma, I swear to god, you have to tell Nagisa sooner or later.” The blonde exasperatedly said.
Tell what? What is Karma hiding from me? Curiosity killed the cat. Nagisa decided to hide and listen to what they’re talking about. He wanted to know what his boyfriend is hiding from him. Something he wished he had never done.
“I know,” Karma snarled, probably annoyed by the constant nagging of the blonde. “It’s not easy, okay? It’s hard to tell the guy you’ve been dating for years that you want to break up because you don’t love him anymore without giving him more damage.”
Nagisa’s world stop. What did he say? Break up? Don’t love him anymore? Karma’s been feeling like that and Nagisa had no clue. Fuck. He thought they are still okay. That Karma is just having a rough month because of his studies but turns out Nagisa was the one causing all of it. Since when?
“But dude, you’ve been dating Okuda-san for like, what? Two months? Three months? Don’t you think it’s time to come clean?” said Maehara or at least Nagisa think it is Maehara who answered his unspoken question.
In fact, Nagisa don’t know anymore, and he doesn’t give a single fuck. Three months. Three freaking months, his boyfriend had been cheating on him.
Hah. Hahaha. Nagisa should have known.
The signs are there but he kept being blind. Everything was just too good to be true. The fact that Karma had also liked him back. That he finally had someone who was willing to protect him. To think that he assumed that Karma would really stay by his side. How presumptuous of him.
He probably just felt sorry for me.
Karma was the first to know how his mother had abused him both physically and mentally. The red-haired boy was the first to find out that Nagisa’s mom finally decided to leave him on his own without a single goodbye or any information about her whereabouts. He probably stayed by his side because of pity but Nagisa took him for granted.
He confessed and assumed that the other was happy because Karma also confessed that he likes him back. God, all this time Karma was enduring his company when in fact he had liked Okuda-san.
All kinds of scenarios appeared in Nagisa’s mind as he kept filling up the story on his own. He doesn’t need anyone to explain to him. Why bother? It was all his fault anyway. He can’t blame any of them or Karma for that matter because he knows that it was himself who had fucked everything up.
Funny thing is Nagisa felt thankful. He was thankful that everyone had put up with him until this time. And he knows that he had to end everything now. He can’t possibly be kept everyone, especially the guy he loves, caught up in his madness, right?
Loving is also letting go. It’s time to clean the mess I had made.
Who would have thought that it would be him receiving a shock.
So, before all courage leaves him, Nagisa made himself known. The original noisy room had quieted down as more people sees the bluenette coming in. Horror and shock was visible to everyone’s faces.
“Nagisa, how long have you been there?” It was Karma who broke the awkward silence. He stood up form where he was sitting but did not move a single step towards his boyfriend.
“Sometime now.” Replied Nagisa with a light smile. He was taught that if you want to thank someone, you should do it with a smile.
“You…” Karma trailed, not knowing what to say. He had always wanted to tell his lover his thoughts but not in this way.
“Yeah, I heard it all.”
Everyone sucked in a breath, guilty of being caught red-handed. Karma said nothing but from the way he stiffened, Nagisa would say he was shaken up.
A soft laugh escape from his lips, “Don’t worry. I’m not mad or anything. In fact, I want to thank everyone.”
“You what?” Kayano asked not believing the words coming out form the blue-haired guy. Who would? If they were in his position, killing their lover would be going easy on them. But Nagisa just stood there with a smile on his face.
“I’m thankful. Everyone had always put up with me and I’m really thankful for that. If not for you guys, then I would be in worse shape right now.” He gave everyone a smile but whenever Nagisa would look at them, they would immediately avoid his gaze.
Sighing he looked back at his boyfriend – guess this is last time he’ll have the right to call him that – who never removed his eyes from him. “Especially to you Karu- ah sorry, I mean Karma-kun. Thank you.”
“Why?” Karma asked sounding confused. He noticed how the blue haired corrected the way he called him, but Karma couldn’t care less. “I cheated on you. You should be lashing out on me.”
“Well, logically speaking, yes I should. But I really can’t bring myself to hate you or anyone.” Not when everything is my fault to begin with. “You had sticked to my side ever since my mom left me and I will always be thankful to you. I don’t have anything with me that I can give to repay you, but I can give you back your freedom.”
Karma just stared at the other. He had an idea where this conversation was going, and he has no intention of stopping it. When was it? When was the time he had lost the interest and care to guy he had sworn to love all his life? When did everything change? Karma didn’t know.
“What I am saying is that I agree with breaking up with you Karma-kun.” Nagisa gave Karma a huge smile before continuing, not giving the other a chance to speak. “And don’t worry, I won’t be out messing your life anymore. That’s the same with you guys. I’m really sorry for taking up so much of everyone’s time. Oh, and by the way, congrats to you both Karma-kun and Okuda-san. You two looked good together.”
Nagisa gave them a bow and flashed them a huge smile before running out of the apartment. He doesn’t think he could keep himself from breaking down if he stayed there any longer. Unsurprisingly, nobody chased after him directly throwing his last hope of Karma caring for him even for a tiny bit in the drain.
Everyone was still up there in the apartment, stoned and glued to their positions. Everything happened suddenly, leaving them no time to at least take in what was going on. Even Karma had no idea what to do. He just slumped back in his sit. He knows it was coming but he can’t help having the feeling that he had let go of something precious. He was right though.
Nagisa slid down and sat on the cold floor as he closed the door of his apartment. The tears he had tried to hold back were streaming down his face accompanied with his soft sobs. He was thankful but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt because it does. It hurts like hell.
He sat there on the cold floor with his hands on his flat tummy crying his heart out.
“It’s just us now,” he whispered softly. “Don’t worry, mommy will protect you.”