Work Text:
-- tellurianGladiator [TG] began pestering tyrannicalTrisexual [TT] at 13:02 --
TG: baby
TG: snookum wookums
TG: dearest and smoothest ass that i hold so tenderly dear to my heart
TT: Yo.
TT: You’ve only been gone since eight this morning, and already I long to see your pale, glowing face again.
TT: Ideally so that I can beat it in.
TT: You left the milk out again, Sugar Lips.
TG: whatevs
TG: howre the little tykes doing
TT: How the fuck am I supposed to know?
TG: dont lie
TG: you know youre hovering over their every adorably dickish move
TG: if you couldve convinced dave and dirk and hal to do home school
TG: you know you would have
TG: you want all your little ducklings gathered close to your bosom
TG: mamas feeling protective
TG: its okay mama
TG: you take care of the kidlings
TG: daddys gonna make sure to bring home the monies
TG: were never gonna go back to the trailer park
TG: im gonna take care of all yall
TT: Are you done?
TG: yeah i guess
TT: Cool. Anyway, the brats are fine. Martina McBride is doing something with books, hell if I know what it is. It looks smart, though. Am I supposed to give participation grades for this shit?
TG: hell if i know mams this is your schtick
TT: Man, didn’t you set up a home-schooling system for shota me?
TG: haha
TG: hell no
TG: i left like videos and shit i mean yeah
TG: but as for schooling and shit i just left him a buncha textbooks and how tos and shit
TG: rose said itd be fine and that hed figure it out
TT: Wow, good guardian, best parent.
TG: man fuck you i was a little busy with a crazy ass alien tyrant queen
TG: you think raising kids is hard
TG: try raising a kid you wont even be physically present for
TG: because youll be dead in the past
TG: in a postapocalyptic fishworld
TG: that you have to make sure hell even be able to survive in
TG: with little supplies and no guardian
TG: point is i aint got a fucking clue how to help you tutor little twitterfeed
TT: Well, he seems to be managing just fine on his own.
TT: He looks all studious and shit, so I think I could probably give him an extra grade.
TG: what like a
TG: congratulations for not being as much of a fuckup as the rest of this fucking flock of irony
TT: ...
TG: what
TT: Look, we both know that irony is a fucking solid philosophy, and that as Strider’s we must uphold a certain degree of swag chillaxation.
TG: straight up truth mombro
TG: but i get the feeling youre going somewhere with this
TT: Don’t think too hard on it, but last time I was out to pick up the new release of me and Applejack’s mangas...
TG: do you purposefully call him by every bullshit pony name except rainbow dash because shes his favorite
TT: Yes. If anyone in this family is Rainbow Dash, it’s me.
TG: fair enough
TG: also you are obviously stalling and that is never a good thing
TG: spit it out already
TT: Fine. I can think of no less painful way of saying this, so I’m just going to spit it out. I read a parenting book and it may have less than casually hinted - and by hinted, I mean it was very vociferously insistent - that teenagers need to be able to express themselves emotionally, because this is a time of extreme and confusing change for them. So, we may or may not be emotionally repressing our chicklets and permanently damaging their delicate psyches or whatever.
TT: Maybe we need to change our parenting strategy?
TG: are you fucking serious right now
TG: you have met our children right
TG: every last one of them are little shitheads
TG: even the cute ones
TG: by cute ones i mean the ones that are only kind of vague copies based off of our miniature versions
TG: i cannot believe you could even begin to think we are somehow emotionally repressing them
TG: shota skips school and feigns injuries from his projects to get out of interacting with other people
TG: glados somehow tricked us into letting him take the place of the truant realchild because he wants to be human so bad he cant fucking dislike school like normal kids
TG: eric draven knows hes the favorite and constantly uses that to his advantage despite literally being crippled
TG: hint that advantage was convincing you to be his homeschool teacher
TG: dipshit has more relationship problems than the entire cast of 90210
TG: i think he may actually be the entire cast of 90210 actually
TG: it would explain so much
TT: Eric Draven is really obscure. It’d probably be better to just call him Brandon Lee, because no one ever remembers what the character’s actual name is.
TG: heathen
TT: Whatever. So you don’t feel this is an issue we need to address?
TG: hell no
TG: the point of me giving a dramatis personae of the entire lot of them
TG: was to prove that we have the least emotionally repressed children on earth
TG: i dont know where we went wrong man
TG: but these kids are ridiculous
TT: I suppose you have a point. Kel just sulked in here for more orange soda while staring forlornly at his silent phone.
TT: I think we need to get that kid a virtual boyfriend.
TG: jesus fucking christ
TG: my case stands
TG: we cannot possibly fuck them up anymore than the game already has
TT: Alright, I get it. I’ll drop it - it’s now officially a non-issue.
TG: sweet
TG: just in time too
TG: lunch breaks over
TG: i gotta go sweetie pie ill talk to you later
TG: keeping you in my nastiest of pseudo incestual thoughts you hunka hunk of burning man love
TT: Doki doki.
-- tellurianGladiator [TG] ceased pestering tyrannicalTrisexual [TT] at 13: 51 --