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dan is twenty when he's sat on phil's sofa, legs crossed underneath him. it feels crazy to say, even to think that he's in phil's apartment. it's crazy phil has his own apartment, all to himself and that phil chooses to invite him over.
phil is on his laptop next to him, responding to comments or something like that. dan wasn't really listening, preoccupied by the knot tied deep around his stomach. it's bothering him, the way the knot squeezes and makes his body seem to fill with a frenzy of frenetic energy.
he can't just sit here. phil is being all productive while dan's doing what. being fucking useless that's what. that's all you ever are.
he came over to try and escape the loudness of the quiet. phil's just equally as quiet though and it's driving him a little insane. it makes him feel like he's taking up space. like he's somehow personally weighing down the air. he probably doesnt want you here. maybe you should go. that's why he's being quiet. he doesn't want you here. he was just being polite inviting you over.
"i might go" he says, in a quiet voice. for some reason it tightens the knot around his stomach. it wasn't supposed to do that.
"oh. are you sure?" phil looks up from his work to look at dan's face. his eyes seem so gentle and curious. dan could just burst into tears at that. you don't deserve his kindness.
"just felt like, you're trying to work. dont want to be in the way. yknow. anyway i should probably make myself useful too. do my uni stuff or something" his voice stays small all the while. you're so fucking embarrassing. good for nothing. dan avoids phil's eyes. he doesn't deserve his sympathy when he's feeling so utterly pathetic.
"you can go if you want but i like you being here. you keep me productive. you don't let me get away with just putting a film on." phil's voice is so soft and a little sad when he speaks this time and dan dares to glimpse up at him despite himself. phil looks so beautiful as he always does, rectangular glasses framing gentle, loving eyes.
"yeah..." dan trails off before he's really even begun, picking viciously at his cuticles. as if they're somehow to blame for his feelings.
"why don't we film a video? that way we're being productive together." dan thinks his heart might be ready to burst out of his chest when phil says that. the easyness of phil to fix this for him. his mind is noisy still, it almost always is, but getting quieter. you don't deserve him. you don't deserve someone loving you like that.
"i dont know. it would probably interrupt your plans for today and like i can't rely on you to make me productive. i should just do that on my own." it makes phil a little frustrated and then a little sad that dan thinks the way he does. he wish he had all the answers, wishes he could wave a magic wand and say everything perfectly to solve it all for him. he wishes dan knew just how much he loves him to know that dan could never interrupt a day for him. he only ever seems to make them better. he wishes dan could see the truth.
"dan. look at me please." dan feels the knot tighten then and he wants anything but to look.
"why," is all he says and looks because phil asked him to. they meet eyes and dan feels the urge to cry all over again. as if it fully went in the first place.
"I wouldn't offer if i didn't have the time, you're not taking up too much space or anything, i promise." phil smiles a small smile at him then, his eyes remain so kind as they always seem to be. ugh. how did he get so lucky.
he can't stop himself from crying then. the emotions rumble around inside him like marbles clashing off of each other loudly. "im sorry" dan hears himself after he says it.
for phil, it's all so big and confusing. no words seem to fit as he scans quickly in his mind of what to say. all he can do is put his arms around dan silently and make him know just how much he loves him.
---
dan is twenty nine when he's sat at his desk on his own. the room is quiet except for the soft music that plays out of his headphones.
the word count stares at him like its cursing him. it's been the same for over fifteen minutes. he just can't get past one bit of dialogue in his script. he tries putting himself in the shoes on the character, hell, the character is him. not now. not how his life ended up going, but some distant alternate reality version of him that he feels interdimensional grief for.
after twenty minutes he pulls his headphones out and pushes himself out of his chair. he probably should have water and a stretch or socialise with phil for the first time today at 2pm.
"hi stranger." phil smiles at him when he makes his way into the lounge and dan practically flattens phil laying on top of him.
"hi you," dan mumbles into phil's jumper. hes so cozy and warm and he feels tired of all a sudden. it only intensifies when phils fingers find his curls and scratch softly.
"hows your writing going rat," phil asks with a kiss to dans curls. it feels like no pressure if everything is bad, i will love you even when you fail.
"not good. hows your tv watching going you lazy oaf" some daytime travel show is playing. dan isn't really paying attention. neither is phil.
"going good. you want some popcorn?" and dan lifts his head and simply opens his mouth at that. "not seen you move that quick in ages." phil laughs when he pushes a small handful of popcorn in dan's mouth.
"popcorn." is all dan replies with his mouth full. he looks like a pleased cat chewing his popcorn, eyes closed. and phil feels an intense urge to scratch his chin so he does. because he can.
"what was that." dan asks meeting his eyes for a moment, mouthful of popcorn finished.
"you looked cute. just wanted to" and that's all the reason he needs. "did ya not like it?" simple and honest and casual as they have always tried to be with each other.
"never said that." dan kisses his cheek then, feels the scruff phil's slowly been growing. he likes it in a way that it reminds him of his queerness like blooming flowers in his path. his feels it at his finger tips, him and his phil, growing up. phil would never have been able to grow that at 22.
"you ever think about manchester, how grown up we felt in your flat?" dan asks after a beat and phil's lived enough nights with dan to know this is leading somewhere. exploring a space in his brain that has expanded suddenly like an airbag.
"sometimes. sometimes you'll wear something you used to wear all the time and it just sends me into a vortex rushing back to 2010. back when you were still a little baby." theres a chasm in dans chest, filling itself up with feeling. he never wants to be back there not after every day of intentional effort he's put into his joy and livelihood but that doesn't mean he doesn't miss that life at least a little bit. it's all romanticised in his head now. all making out against the faux leather of the sofa and making cheap shitty drinks that burn and get phil drunk in under an hour. playing xbox til they notice the sun is starting to come up and sleeping nearly naked pushed right up against each other even in the heat of summer.
"didn't you think you'd be doing something else by now."
"oh. i mean maybe but we didn't really know there was longevity to all this then did we?"
"s'pose not, back then i think i thought i'd have to work out the lawyer thing by now." that thought drags a feeling out of both of them kicking and screaming. it's a grief that greets their chests with a cold hand and a squeeze around both of their hearts. the thought that young dan ever had to worry, how worried he was of failure, of fucking everything up well and truly. leaving him stuck rolling his boulder forever with no phil by his side to lighten the load. if only he knew.
not that he doesn't worry now. at night when phil is already drooling on his shoulder and snoring into his ear, the thought comes back. what ifs that threaten to drop that very same boulder and shatter his reality. or on bad days, when he can't drown out the voice that plagues him everyday of his life. he's learned to live with it, mostly. learned to shout back or tell it to shut up. but somedays he feels much too frail and it takes control. those are the days he feels scared.
"i'm glad you don't. even though you'd look hot in a suit." phil grazes his shoulder with his teeth. mostly to get the grief out.
"imagine us in office jobs, tryna commute everyday. fucking hell."
"it would be cute, you'd drop me off at work in the car with my packed lunch"
"id also be literally insane though so."
"true." is all phil replies and then half a moment later "proud of you" kissing dan's curls again. it's the safety in the feeling. familiarity. even though dan hasn't always loved his hobbit hair. his dan. the one that kisses him goodnight and pushes him out of bed the next morning to go make toast. that dan has always had his curls. it feels like kissing a part of him that somehow physically represents his authenticity after all this time. after the ache of the storm that they weathered together for so long. that phil watched dan weather alone by his side. gave him the pieces to sculpt himself into something more, the brave, beautiful man that phil has always loved.
"love you."
___
dan is thirty when he's sat on the sofa, his laptop burning a hole into his thighs. he taps his socked toes absentmindedly against phils leg in a slow steady rhythm. he watches round the side of his laptop as phil scrolls with one hand and grips softly at dan's foot with other. the casual intimacy they know they share with each other in the privacy of their own home.
he's been watching his video process to upload for the last fifteen minute, this bit always seems to be the longest. theres a nervousness that is rattling around him, a fear that nobody will care about it, even after every time everyone has shown they care. there's something about holding his shame so deep for so long that never goes away. phil calls it his brain gremlin when he brings it up, always looking for new ways to soothe the gremlin into silence for a little while.
"do you think people will get it?" he says with a breath, he meets phils eyes from besides his laptop.
he doesn't necessarily say it as he means it, what he actually wants to say, what he's actually thinking is too big of a thought to come out of his mouth without a tremble.
what if no one likes it. or cares. or thinks i'm over exaggerating it all. what if everyones mad at me. what if youtube doesn't like that i posted it, and then i have nothing to show for what i experienced. i need to have something to show.
phil can't read it all, he's told dan a million times how he wishes he could read his mind even just for a day. though, he's never been naive to the fact dan means something else, something scarier when he asks vague questions.
"i think people will be empathetic and will probably be upset for you, rightly so." phil squeezes his foot, a silent i love you, you're gonna be okay.
"i'm nervous." he just comes out with it then. and theres a moment, a glimpse, where the nervous anchor sat in his stomach dissolves for way of pride. not a second later, it's back.
phil has gotten much better at responding to dan's emotions in recent years. phil loves to solve things, loves to be able to take it all away so dan doesn't even have to consider witnessing a difficult feeling. but dan has learnt, and knows, that's not what he needs. so phil has learnt it too.
"you've every right to be nervous, but that doesn't mean anything bad is actually going to happen." is what he says. it goes against his nature in a way, to see dan be uncomfortable. he knows he has to nonetheless.
"do you think youtube will ask me to take it down?" they must have had this conversation 10 times by now. when dan was writing the script, the night before he filmed, the night he filmed, the morning after he filmed, and every afternoon since. he feels annoying repeating himself, repeating the same question only to get the same answer. thing is, every time he asks phil never responds with frustration or anger. just a simple "they'll look stupid and guilty if they do."
the bar fills to full on his screen then and it's ready to upload. he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment and says "tell me to click upload."
"do it danny, you'll feel better once it's up." and phil's right. sometimes, in little quiet ways, it feels like phil knows him better than he knows himself. he presses upload in spite of himself. then, in spite of youtube.
it's uploaded within seconds and he has to push the lid of his laptop closed.
he hates this bit the most. when he knows people are witnessing it, reacting, talking amongst themselves about him. it comes with a strange wave of relief though. and phil always reminds him, what will be will be.
"wanna get some food?" and dan could kiss him. so he does. sits himself on phil's lap, holds his face and presses their lips together. its a softer and sweeter kiss than he expects and he feels phil hum against his mouth. then not a second later, feels phil's hands squeezing his ass. the touch is somehow sweet and supportive and not at all sexual, despite it's placement.
"proud of you skink." phil tells him, before dan has even responded to his question properly. and dan thinks he might feel the same pang of love he felt at 18 forever. it flows through him in waves. and reminds him to thank his younger self for clicking on that first amazingphil video all those years ago.
"hate you."