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It dawns on her eventually, after Elphaba leaves.
I love her. Really love her. Truly, deeply…
Well, shit. Glinda doesn’t know what to do with this information. She’s never felt this way about another person before. She’s never even considered she could feel this way about another woman, period. And seeing as the woman she (loves) is now the most wanted fugitive in all of Oz, the timing of her sexual awakening is ludicrously inconvenient.
It’s all so ridiculous, really.
By the time it occurs to Glinda that she might not be the straightest person ever, the love of her life has been on the lam for six months. Ironically, the realization specifically hits her while she’s moaning into the mouth of her longtime boyfriend, Fiyero Tigelaar.
She and Fiyero are together and in (love?). Well… they’re happy, because that’s what everyone needs right now. Because Elphaba left. She left the Emerald City, left the life they’d had, and threw a broomstick into all of the things they could have done together. She left everything (left her) and it’s finally starting to sink in that she really isn’t coming back. That this can’t be fixed.
So, Glinda finds herself in bed with Fiyero. His mouth is on hers, tongues dancing, breath catching, his fingers fumbling with the clasps on her dress, and she’s just about to disassociate like she always does when they’re about to do this, when images of Elphaba come unbidden to her mind. Elphaba’s mouth on hers. Elphaba’s green fingers grasping at her waist. Elphaba’s steady weight pressing her into the mattress. Elphaba sighing above her, lips parting, hips rolling, breath gasping, and a pulse of pure need shoots to her core.
Glinda moans.
Desperate. Wanting. With so much urgency it hurts. It’s a sound she’s never heard herself utter before. A sound she didn’t know she was capable of making.
Fiyero is so caught off guard, he stops. He breaks the kiss and quirks up an eyebrow. He cocks his head to the side — trousers unbuttoned, shirt riding up his chest, hair disheveled (albeit in a dashing, imperfectly-perfect, Fiyero kind of way) — with a bewildered look on his face.
“You liked that, huh?” He says, half teasing, half genuinely curious. “What do I need to do for you to make that beautiful noise again?”
Glinda’s heart is beating so quickly she’s sure Fiyero can see it vibrating under her skin. Her eyes are blown wide from the images that ignited the heat pooling in her lower belly. She opens her mouth to reply, but she’s blanking on every single word she’s ever known in her life.
Fiyero braces his arms against the bed and looks at her. Really looks at her, the way he used to look at her before the Grimmerie hit the fan. He smiles, then. A true, dazzling, Fiyero smile. She sees a hint of the carefree twinkle he used to have in his eyes, and it breaks her heart a little bit because in that instant she knows it isn’t him, it isn’t this…
But when he dips his head down to kiss her again, her senses are flooded by a fantasy of sweat damp green skin. Soft green lips. A crooked smile against her tongue. Nails gently raking across her ribs. Green fingers tangled in her hair. The undeniable smell of her. Glinda bites back another moan as a deep ache thrums below her stomach.
The stifled gasp is enough to drag her mind back to the present, and she puts a hand on Fiyero’s chest to stop him. He breaks away slowly, brows furrowed in an unasked question.
“Fiyero… I- I…”
His face is so close. His blue eyes find hers and she immediately looks away, afraid, (ashamed), heat flushing across her cheeks. He slowly pushes himself up into a kneeling position, observing her. The confusion that flits across his face steadily breaks into understanding. Creases of concern ease into affectionate acceptance. It makes her stomach plummet to the floor. He knows.
His shoulders relax with a gentle laugh. He smiles fondly at her despite a slight new feeling of melancholy in the air between them. “Finally figured it out?” He asks. Honest. Soft.
She meets his gaze then, her heart hammering in her chest. This can’t be right, can it? She and Fiyero were perfect for each other. They were the ideal. The gold standard. They were meant to be together. But the hollow of her heart is twisting as something she’s known, something she’s buried deep down is suddenly and eagerly struggling to come to the surface.
“It was always her, for you.” Fiyero murmurs and Glinda thinks her heart may have stopped working altogether. A flash of sheer panic wracks her body. Every muscle tenses as an unbearable urge to fight or take flight or to fix this permeates her very being. Her breath tightens in her throat like it’s been trapped. Something huge she’s been frantically holding up in her mind, like a crumbling pillar she’s tried to put right for years, has suddenly (finally) started crashing down. But Fiyero’s smile is soft and kind, and he reaches out a hand to tenderly cup her cheek. “It’s okay Glinda. Truly. I think… I think I’ve known for a while.”
He brushes his thumb against her skin. She leans into its warmth and closes her eyes, blocking out the feelings that threaten to overwhelm her. When his hand drops, she immediately misses its anchoring presence. Without it, she feels like she’s reeling through a void that lay beyond walls she never even realized she’d built.
Fiyero stands from the bed, straightens his shirt and buttons his trousers.
Glinda watches him in a daze, mouth slightly open, brow creased, trying to understand, to process, to catch something that she didn’t know she’d been chasing.
He leans down and kisses her on the crown of her head. “It’s okay.” He whispers again into her hair. She reaches a hand up timidly, and rests it on the nape of his neck. He doesn’t pull away, so she tilts her head up and touches her forehead gently against his.
“How did you know?” She asks, hardly a whisper, leaning into the safety of his touch.
He lingers there for a moment. Quiet. Thinking.
He replies simply, “Because I loved her too.”
—————
Over the next few days, Glinda tries her best not to think about it. She goes about her work, spreading Goodness and encouraging Oz to be better. She reminds herself that everything is just fine, thank you for asking.
She practices magic, even though she knows she’s not getting any better at it. And all the while, that feeling is there, in the background. The knowledge that this whole time she’s been…
She thinks of the boys who’ve come before. The first boy she kissed at age nine behind the swings after school. The way his chin had been sticky and she’d thought that was why the whole thing was so… off-putting. It was just a quick peck, but even back then she remembers hoping that by kissing him, a girl in her class would think she was… cool. A girl who always made Galinda wish she could be holding her hand.
Glinda thinks of high school. She thinks of another girl, two years above her, who she had admired more than anything. Because she was talented, she thinks to herself, she could play the piano so well, and she was kind, and funny, and beautiful and… That was all it was, wasn’t it? Admiration? But then she thinks about the time that girl gave her a compliment. Nothing she hadn’t heard before, just a quick “cute shoes!” as they’d passed in the hallway. So why, of all the compliments she’d received throughout high school, is this the one that still rattles around in her memory?
Glinda shakes herself out of the past with a frustrated groan. This is pointless. And the coin she’s supposed to be levitating is as stuck to the table as ever. She huffs in exasperation. Even if she’d been concentrating like she was supposed to, she knows it wouldn’t have even twitched.
She needs a bath.
She walks into to the bathroom and fills the tub with warm water and foamy suds. She watches some of the bigger bubbles break free and float into the air, up and away from everything. Must be nice.
Submerged in the water, she tries to think of nothing at all. To cleanse herself of all the things pent up inside her. Be tranquil. Be calm. Be present.
Who is she kidding. Even at the best of times she could never get her mind to shut up.
“You’re trying too hard, Galinda.”
“That’s the point, Elphie. I suck at meditating. That’s why I need to try so damn hard.”
She can hear Elphaba smile, and she can’t help but peek through her eyelashes to see its crooked curve. She feels a satisfied grin cross her own face.
Elphaba scoots a little closer and sits facing her, their knees touching.
“We just need to quiet all that clockwork ticking away up in your sweet brain. Here, take my hands. That’s it. Now, relax. Breathe with me…”
The brief memory comes with a pang of loss and she cringes into the water to try and make it go away. Don’t wish… don’t start. It will never be how it was.
But the thought of the little curve in Elphaba’s smile lingers. And Glinda feels her chest swell with longing. If only she could be here, if they could be together…
Her mind flickers back to the craving she felt when she’d imagined really being with Elphaba. The thought makes her heart skip a beat.
She lightly touches the pulse point on her neck. Warm. Rushing. Needy.
Her slender fingers trail from her neck down to her sternum and she traces her collarbone, hesitating. Finger tips feather light, she grazes slow, idle patterns around her chest. Nervous. Unsure. She can feel her heart racing right there, just under the surface. Her hands tremble slightly. But then she imagines they're Elphaba’s.
Her touch becomes more confident. She circles one of her breasts before cupping it gently. She tweaks a stiffening nipple, relishing the gasp it pulls from her mouth. She massages herself, pulling and squeezing and slowly relaxing, slowly feeling the tension in her body change into something different. Something carnal. Her eyes flutter closed as she feels that familiar, deep ache pulsing between her thighs. She pulls a line down to her navel and scratches lightly across the basket of her hips. She feels a whimper escape from her mouth. She’s on the edge of something…
Her fingers dip below to find a warm wetness so unlike the water around her.
She gasps as her fingers move and Elphaba’s name is on her lips.
Raw desire that’s been rejected, ignored, and crammed into a tight ball finally cracks and a molten fire sweeps her body. Want and need and everything right burns and coils deep inside her.
“Elphie…”
She comes so quickly it’s almost funny.
Almost.
She floats down from her high, feeling sated in a way she didn’t know was possible for the human body. She glows from the depth of her soul, and a new kind of peace washes over her. The water feels cooler now against the heat purring beneath her skin. As her beating heart slows, she lifts her heavy eyelids in a daze and stares at the ceiling. Finally still. Finally quiet.
“Am I…?” she asks out loud, her voice faltering before she finishes the question.
But something clicks in her mind, and she knows.
I am.
The relief that floods through her takes with it any strength she had left in her boneless body. She sobs once, in pain, in joy, in everything she’s wanted to feel since she was a little girl but had somehow told herself was out of reach. But now it’s here. She can have it. She closes her eyes in pure gratitude and sinks into the lukewarm water, feeling like she might just melt away into the bubbles.
—————
Once Glinda realizes she’s completely in love with Elphaba, the memories that flood her brain are cast in a new light.
Glinda remembers stepping out of the library to a sky pregnant with rain. Elphaba glances up, hesitating at the door as the first heavy drops begin to fall.
Galinda sets her jaw. “Right. It’s now or never. Come on, Elphie. We’re doing it.” She grabs Elphaba’s hand and yanks her into a full blown sprint in heels. The green girl shrieks in delighted surprise.
They dash across the Shiz courtyard, giggling as rain breaks across the sky.
“Hurry, hurry!” They hold their books over their heads like little rectangular umbrellas. Her heart thrashes wildly against her ribs, from running, breathing, laughing and the feeling of Elphaba right beside her.
Back in their room, Galinda blow dries her hair while Elphaba wipes off their books to make sure they aren’t ruined. She towels them with such tenderness, Galinda feels her heart ache, though she’s not quite sure why. Her eyes meet Elphaba’s green ones in the mirror and she feels that ache turn into a little flutter.
Elphaba grins and shakes her head fondly before looking back down at the books.
“Before I met you, I never would have used books as a shield. What kind of delinquent have you turned me into?”
“Corrupting you is my love language Elphie, stifle me at your own risk.”
An easy laugh. Galinda’s heart does a curious little cartwheel in response.
“I would’t dare.”
-
Glinda remembers how Elphaba’s skin would turn a deeper green at the slightest compliment.
“You have the most beautiful hair you know.” She says one day as she’s lazily running her fingers through Elphie’s braids. Elphaba is sitting at her desk, writing an essay. She isn’t exactly encouraging Galinda to stand behind her and play with her hair, but she’s stopped complaining that it’s distracting. To Galinda, this is excellent progress.
“Says the woman who can make the entire student body do what ever she wants with a single hair toss.” Elphaba says, deflecting the compliment. She picks up her mug of tea to take a sip, keeping her eyes on her work. But Galinda sees the tips of her ears darkening just a little. She smirks and doubles down.
“Mmm. That does have its uses. But look at you, Elphie. You don’t even need to toss your hair and I’d do anything for you.”
Elphaba almost chokes on her tea. She puts it down carefully. She tilts her head to look back at an innocently beaming Galinda. Elphaba’s expression flickers from one of astonishment to carefully controlled sarcasm. “You literally never listen to me.” She says dryly, trying to mask the thrill in her voice. It does’t work
Galinda raises an eyebrow. “Elphie, please. We both know that’s not true.” Without warning, she grasps the back Elphaba’s chair and tilts it back. She twists it around so she and Elphie are face to face. Elphaba yelps in surprise, but before she can collect herself Galinda has hopped onto her lap. Elphie is too stunned to say a word.
Galinda laces her arms behind the other girl’s neck and she can feel Elphie’s breath hitch. She tries to catch her eye, but Elphaba is blushing so hard she barely knows where to look.
“You are so beautiful, and so smart, and so good. If it weren’t for you, my life would be so dreadfully dull here. I truly don’t know what I’d do without you, Elphie."
Even Galinda can feel herself unexpectedly flush at the earnestness in her voice as she says this. Her pulse surges as she sees the other girl’s shy smile.
Elphaba is practically glowing.
-
Glinda remembers the night they all went down to the river together.
A lick of peach whiskey is on her tongue and her heart keeps doing a happy little skip whenever Elphaba’s arm brushes against hers as they walk down to the river, a step or two behind the others.
Elphaba is talking to her about the stars, pointing out constellations and excitedly sharing the history of the various ways they were discovered. Galinda isn’t really listening, her mind is too soothed by the honey tone of Elphaba’s voice that shoots right through to a pool of warmth in her stomach.
At the bank of the river the others are yelling and rough housing and skipping stones in a fever of youthful merriment. Galinda realizes she doesn’t quite want to join them yet. She reaches out and takes Elphaba’s hand. “Let’s lay down here.” She says impulsively. “That way I can look up without cricking my neck.”
“Galinda what-“
Before Elphaba can protest further, Galinda pulls her down and they fall together on the grass. “Come on, Elphie. Tell me more. I love listening to you talk about these things.” She says wiggling close so their sides are pressed together. She doesn’t let go of her hand.
“Um… Ok.” Elphaba says, and Galinda knows that adorable flush is blooming across her freckles right about now. “Er.. oh! Stars aren’t static, when you really look at them. They’re not just little white dots. Because they’re pure energy, Galinda. They shimmer. By the time it reaches our eyes the starlight has refracted through the atmosphere and space and who knows what else out in the cosmos. So if you really look at them you can see they flicker in all sorts of colors.”
Elphaba was talking only to her, but the others seem to have heard their conversation because somewhere off in the darkness she hears Shenshen say “That’s a load of romantic bullshit. They’re all just white.”
Elphaba’s hand tenses briefly in hers. Galinda idly wonders if it’s because Shenshen disagreed with her, or because of the implication of the word ‘romantic’. She’s surprised when she feels her own face blush at the thought.
“Nonsense, that one there is clearly blue.” Fiyero pipes up confidently from somewhere down to her right.
“Which one?”
“The… blue one.” And Galinda can practically hear the eye roll in his voice.
“I see a red one! Up there!” Nessa points excitedly.
“That one looks purple!” Boq announces.
“You’re all nuts.” Shenshen reiterates.
The rest of them start arguing over which stars and which colors they see, but the chatter fades into the background as Galinda looks up and considers the sky. The stars seem to be shimmering but she can’t tell if it’s all in her mind. Because right now all she can focus on is the softness of Elphaba’s hand in hers, how she can feel her beating heart through the pulse in her palm, and how Elphie’s sweet, slightly rapid breaths seem to be in time with her own. She feels a warmness blooming in her chest that is so distracting, but somehow Galinda does not want it to stop at all.
She laces her fingers through Elphaba’s and snuggles closer into her side.
“They all look pink and green to me.” She whispers and she can feel Elphaba smile.
——————
Glinda and Fiyero don’t talk about their conversation for a long time. They stop sleeping together (or whatever it was they were doing before) and somehow she feels much closer to him. They keep up the facade, but there’s a gentleness behind his touches and kisses as cameras flash around them that wasn’t there before. Something sincere. An understanding.
Eventually, she’s the one who brings it up. She’s standing alone on a balcony at an extravagant gala organized by Madame Morrible, shivering a little in her sleeveless ballgown but oh so grateful for the fresh air. She tenses when the balcony door behind her swings open. She turns, a practiced smile automatically plastering her face, but then she sees it’s Fiyero and a wave of relief rushes through her.
“Thought you might be in need of some sparking rosé right about now.” he says, swaggering over to her and holding up two champagne flutes. Glinda raises the empty one she already has in her hand.
“Not my first.” She says cynically. “What gave it away?”
He takes the empty glass from her hand and replaces it with one filled with pink wine and tiny bubbles. She smiles at him gratefully and takes a sip. He smiles back and toasts to her silently before taking a drink of his own.
“I hate it in there.” She says bluntly.
“I could tell.”
She snorts. “That obvious, huh?” She’s joking, sort of. But despite herself, a hitch of worry catches at her brow and she glances back at the party, scanning for guards or any sign of Morrible. The Wizard never shows his face at these things, of course, but his eyes are everywhere.
Fiyero shakes his head. “No. You’re perfect, as always. I just know you better than most.” He grins and takes another sip of rosé. She smirks, but when he notices the muscles at the base of her neck are still tense with unease, he adds in a slightly lower tone, “Seriously, Glinda. You’re doing great. I know it’s not easy.”
Glinda shoots him an appreciative look, and her shoulders drop a little. She turns away from the ballroom, trying not to think about when she’ll have to go back inside, and steps over to the edge of the balcony. She looks out over the glowing lights of the Emerald City. Buildings tall as quoxwood trees, dress salons, and libraries… the city that is so alive during the day always surprises her by how still it gets at night. Movement in the distance catches her eye, and she sees it’s the clockwork train, departing the station for an overnight journey across Oz. She hears its faint whistle echo through the night and the sound of it makes her heart stutter. She remembers the day she rode the train into the city for the first time. The warm curve of a smile, a green hand in hers, a lightness of being seen and loved for who she was.
“Did you know when we were at school?” She asks into the darkness “That I wasn’t… that I liked…”
“That you liked women?”
Glinda nods. “Yeah. That I like women.”
Fiyero considers her. “I suspected.”
Glinda lets out a sigh so heavy she’s practically winded. “Well that’s just wonderful. Why didn’t anyone tell me? It would have made all of this so much easier.”
Fiyero laughs. He steps forward next to her and leans against the railing. “Honestly, I thought you might be like me. Into both. Women, men, the whole spectrum. You pursued me with such determinism, Glinda, how was I supposed to know you weren’t actually into me.”
Glinda scoffs affectionately. “I did like you. I do like you. I love you, Fi. Just… not in that way.”
“I know.” He replies warmly. “I love you too.” He reaches out and wraps an arm around her shoulders.
Resigned, she leans into his side. “Turns out, deep repression and denial are a tough combination” she admits bitterly. Fiyero hugs her a little tighter.
The wind picks up, biting against them, and Glinda’s heart twists as she thinks of her, somewhere out in the west.
“I didn’t know it could feel like this.” She confesses, not aware she was going to say it out loud until she’d already started. “Love always felt a little muted… I never knew how beautiful it could be. How much I could feel.”
The wind whips across her face, stinging her eyes.
“I wish I’d known sooner.” She adds quietly.
Fiyero hums in understanding. “You know now. That’s what matters.”
“Yeah, well. If I’d known back then maybe things could have been… different.” She doesn’t like the tightness building in her throat. She takes another sip of wine to to soothe it, but it tastes dry and burns and the carbonation is making her eyes sting even more. There’s an ache behind them now. She tries to blink the feeling away.
“It’s not your fault. You know that right?” Fiyero asks. Glinda nods but she won’t look at him. She keeps staring off the balcony, lost in what could have been.
Fiyero hesitates for a moment before admitting carefully, “I knew you were in love with Elphaba, you know. Back then.” The witch’s name hasn’t been said aloud between them in almost a year.
Glindas eyes dart to his. “You did?”
“You weren’t exactly subtle about it Glinda.”
“Of course I was subtle. I didn’t even know.”
Fiyero chuckles and plants a kiss into her hair.
They stand in a comfortable silence for a beat, listening to the muffled sounds of the gala filtering through the glass doors behind them. Laughter and the clinking of glasses and joviality, all carefully curated.
Glinda sighs. She braces herself, and quietly asks the question that’s been on her mind since she finally realized what it was she’d been feeling this whole time.
“Do you think Elphie knew?”
Fiyero doesn’t answer, but Glinda hadn’t really expected him to. It’s more wishful thinking than anything. Elphaba had never been great at picking up on social cues.
She looks back out at the western sky and sees the stars twinkling in the dark. Pure energy shining through the night, flickering prisms every color of the rainbow.
They all look pink and green to me.
For the first time in a long time Glinda feels the corners of her mouth turn upwards in a hopeful smile.
“Well… when she comes back, I’m telling her.”