Work Text:
Song: Let Down ~ Radiohead
Espio stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked down at the sink, the cup that held the toothbrushes was on its side. All three toothbrushes were scattered in the bowl of the sink. He rolled his eyes. Why was he always the one picking up after their messes? As his fingers curled around the cup, he could feel the grime that had built up over time. He quickly set the cup down. "We really need a new one..." He thought as he grabbed the three toothbrushes and put them back in the cup.
The black toothbrush slid over, its bristles touching the orange one. "Ew." He sighed, turning his toothbrush to the opposite direction that Charmy's faced. He grabbed a tube of eyeliner from the shelf above the sink. He started to apply it, like he did every day. He wasn't into makeup, but he enjoyed wearing eyeliner. It made him feel nice.
The quiet hum of the light was interrupted, as a crash sound could be heard from the kitchen. Resulting in Espio messing up his eyeliner. The black pigment smudged against his purple scales. He sighed again, "what did he break this time?" He thought, already knowing the person who caused the crash. He went to place the eyeliner on the edge of the sink. Once he placed it, it immediately rolled off the sink. Falling on to the tiles of the bathroom floor. Instead of picking it up, he stared at the wobbling cap.
"What has my life come to? All I do is just sit around cleaning up after a grown man and a six year old. I thought I'd be, someone important.." He thought while looking at himself, "I used to think I would be some kind of hero." His eyelids started to grow heavy, "but I'm just a runaway who thought I could make the world a better place." His eyebrows narrowing, anger growing inside him. "We haven't had a serious case in months. We barely have enough food in the kitchen.." He put his hands on to the sides of the sink. He looked back down, his thoughts consuming him.
"I thought..leaving would be good. But all I did was run away from my problems..I should've faced them...that's what true ninjas do.." Suddenly, Espio's eyes flew up, meeting his face once again. He looked put together, he always did. He always looked unbothered, like everything thrown at him would bounce right off. But the truth is, everything hit him. Every hit caused him pain, but he learned to live through that pain. As he glanced at the smudge of eyeliner beside his eye, a single tear drop slid down his face. He didn't look sad, he didn't feel sad, he didn't feel anything but regret.
His lips trembled, "What if I didn't run away..what if I just listened to him. Did everything he wanted. Maybe I would actually be something." As he thought that, flashbacks started to play in his mind. He winced as he thought about them. All those days, training, nothing but training. Stop training and you'll be punished. Train too much and your own body will punish you. You're not good enough, he isn't proud. Be better, for him. Him. It was all about him. Espio never knew when he was truly proud of him.
"It was weird..I did everything he told me to. But he still..wasn't...happy." Espio thought about what he would see on T.V. and what he'd see in real life. "Fathers are supposed to care for you..but mine.." Espio couldn't finish that thought, he bit his lip. If he went any further, he would break. He couldn't let that happen. If he broke, he would be vulnerable, he could never be vulnerable. If you show weaknesses, even for just a moment, the enemy will notice, and the enemy will take advantage of you. Stay strong, every second, never show your weakness.
Espio thought about that advice, everytime he was close to breaking, he'd shun his feelings away and listen to that advice. Espio froze, as he remembered who taught him. "Why am I taking his advice..he's the one who..." Another tear escaped, Espio swallowed. "No, thats..that's not his advice. That's normal advice, its..for battle." He justified it, it's a good tactic in battle. "...I'm not in battle though..but I..you never know when someone's about to attack, so always be on your guard." Another statement said by his father, another excuse.
Espio knew these were excuses, but they were the only things shielding him from his trauma, and he liked that. Everyone thinks of him as brave, but he's scared. All the time, he is afraid. Afraid of the world, afraid of his image, afraid of not being good enough, afraid of himself. He's built a wall around himself and he will never let anyone in. Not one person would care, not one person would tear down the wall and help. He was alone, and he deserved to be. He was too weak to fight his own feelings, he was too weak to face his trauma, so he ran away. That's what makes him weak, that's what makes him a burden. Why would anyone care about a waste of space like that? These thoughts crowded his head, he shook without realizing it. He gripped on to the rim of sink. Not one clear thought could be heard.
A knock on the door broke the uncomfortable silence. Espio heard it, but he didn't move. "Espio? You okay man? You been in there a while.." Vector said with a chuckle.
Espio stood, all his thoughts halted, someone did care. Espio thought about when he ran away. He was a terrified child that could only say a few sentences in english. He was homeless, on the streets, and no one cared to help. He had to steal to get by. Due to his ability to go invisible, he could never be caught, but one day, he was. By a big green crocodile, and instead of reporting Espio, he talked to him. He offered him help, it took a while, but eventually, Espio agreed to stay with him. Vector taught him english, let him sleep in his bed, fed him food, provided him comfort and space, he did all of that with barely being able to pay for their small apartment. Vector did all of that, and for what? Why did he do that? That's a question Espio still doesn't know the answer to, despite being told the answer many times. He just wouldn't accept it.
"Espio!"
Espio jolted, he forgot Vector even knocked. He sighed, pulling back every emotion he wore on his face. He walked up to the bathroom door, twisting the door knob slowly.
His glossy eyes met Vector's, "you okay kid?" Vector asked, like he always did. Espio didn't like when Vector called him "kid," but deep down, he felt comfort. A comfort he's never truly felt before meeting Vector.
After a minute of silence, "why..do you care about me?" Espio asked quietly, leaving Vector confused by the sudden question.
"What do you mean?"
"Why did you take me in?"
"You mean like, when we first met?"
"..yeah."
Vector sighed, "Well, you needed help...and I was in a similar place just a year before."
Espio didn't reply, he just stared at Vector. Vector was used to intense staring from Espio, but this was different. Vector could tell something was wrong, he has spent 4 years getting to know the kid.
"Espio..I told you before..I helped you because I wanted to."
"But why did you want to?"
Vector sighed again, "I just said, I was in a similar spot. I mean, even if I wasn't, I'd still help you.
"...but why?"
"..I-I..basic mobian empathy?" He stammered.
"Why...." He took a deep breath before continuing. "Why would you want to help someone like me?...You should of just left me." His eyes darted to the floor. He felt so stiff, like if he were to move it would inconvenience everyone around him.
Vector's eyes widened a bit at Espio's harsh words. "What? Why would I do that?"
"I didn't deserve it. All I did was run away from my problems. That was irresponsible, I had a home. I threw myself on to the streets. It's my fault I didn't have anything. I did it to myself, I-"
"Espio." Vector Interrupted him, "you were 12. What kid knows what to do at that age?"
"I wasn't any normal kid. I knew better, I was mature."
"No..I mean yeah you were mature for your age, ya still are! but..that doesn't mean that you knew everything. When a kid is in a bad situation, they wanna run away. And that's a perfectly normal reaction. You were just'za kid..and ya still are now. Cut yerself some slack."
Espio looked down and clenched his fists. "I'm weak, I've always ran away from my problems, I should be facing them. I-I.."
"Espio, I did the same thing."
Espio looked up at Vector, his brow raised.
"I mean, I wasn't...I didn't run away...I kinda, got kicked out." Vector mumbled, ashamed of his past.
"But, I thought..you started a business for your family?"
"No..I hated my life there, I felt like I didn't belong. I guess I wasn't doing good enough in school and stuff sooo..they got rid of me. I mean, they offered me the choice of coming back, but I didn't. I was stubborn, I kinda regret it, and I would've handled it differently now but, I was a kid, I didn't know any better." Vector took a second to sigh, he then changed the topic back to Espio. "I just...I don't want ya feelin like some kind of failure, because yer not. I had a rough time and look at me now!" Vector put his hands on his hips, proud of who he was.
That moment of pride was interrupted by an eyebrow raise from Espio.
Vector slumped his arms back down and sighed. "Espio, you are one of the most skilled people I've ever met. Yer super smart, ya always detect stuff. Yer an amazing detective and fighter, I could go on!" Vector smiled, proud of hıs §øn Espio.
Espio felt his shoulders loosen, the words affected him positively. But, not enough, no matter how much love and appreciation Vector showed, it couldn't stop Espio's immense hatred towards himself. "Yeah, I guess..thank you." Espio smiled lightly, no true happiness behind it.
Usually, by this point, Vector would just leave him alone. I mean, what was there to say, no matter what he said, nothing made Espio feel better. Just as Espio was walking away, Vector grabbed his shoulder. "Espio..didn't ya say you wanted to help people?"
"Huh?"
"When I asked ya about why you wanted to be a detective, you said because you wanted to help people."
"Yeah, I did..why?"
"Well, you're doing just that, aren't ya?"
Espio scoffed, "yeah, like helping some old lady find her keys."
Vector softly laughed, "not just that, you know how many times we've saved people? We've even helped save the world."
"Yeah, but that was mainly Sonic."
"Well- still. We've helped so many people, saved so many lives. Don't that matter?"
"Yeah I know-
"Say you're proud of yourself." He said with a stern tone in his voice.
"I- what?" He asked, genuinely confused.
"Say it, I wanna hear you say it."
"Uhmm..I'm proud of myself? There."
"No, say it and mean it."
"I'm...I'm proud of myself." Espio mumbled, not an ounce of truth in his words.
"I'm gonna stand here and not leave until ya say it." Vector crossed his arms, stubborn.
"I did."
"I just want ya to mean it." His tone felt softer.
"But, ugh..this is stupid."
"Ya know what's stupid? You not believing in yerself. I think that's the stupidest thing you've ever done."
Espio sighed beginning to feel uncomfortable, "Can I just..can we just talk later?"
"Espio, say it."
"I did." He clenched his fists, he started to grow tired of this conversation.
Vector kept pushing, "no you di-"
"I DID! I'M PROUD OF MYSELF. I DID." Espio shook, his bottom lip trembled. He didn't only raise his voice, he also raised his body, I guess it was just instinct. Make yourself seem bigger and stronger than the enemy, even if you aren't. More advice from his father. He seemed to suddenly shrink in size, realizing he just yelled. "Now leave me alone." Espio began to walk away.
"Ya didn't mean it.."
Espio stopped, "so what?!" He turned his head, not fully facing Vector. "How can I? How can I be proud of myself?"
"Because you've accomplished things no other teenager has ever done! You've saved so many people, you-"
"Yeah, yeah..I know...how can I be proud of someone who can't even think about it without crying."
"..think about what?"
Espio jolted, he didn't mean to say that. "N-Nothing." Espio sped walked into his room. Vector followed, catching the door before Espio could shut it. Espio turned around, he looked up at Vector. "This is my room, I don't want you in here."
"This is ma house, I go where I want. Now what were ya talking about?"
"Nothing, literally nothing."
"Espio, please just tell me."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You full on know what I'm talking about."
"...get out of my room."
"Espio, tell me what you were talking about."
"No, just leave."
"Espio-"
"GET OUT!"
"ESPIO! IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT I WILL-"
"Will what? Ground me? I'm not Charmy."
"DON'T.." Vector took a deep breath, calming himself down. Yelling isn't what Espio needed right now. "Don't cut me off. And, I can very much ground ya."
"No you can't."
"Yes I-..this is off topic..Espio..I didn't mean to yell. I just want ya to talk to me."
"....there's nothing to talk about." Espio continued to sweep the issue under the rug.
Vector walked past him, sitting on his bed. "Espio, I'm worried. Everyday I'm worried about you. I know we mess with each other a lot, but.."
Espio sighed, he felt warmth in his heart, but it wasn't enough to stop the negativity brewing in his mind. He walked over to his bed, sitting right next to Vector. He crossed his arms, hunching over. It was unlike him, he always kept his posture straight. He then lifted his head up, his bright yellow eyes flying over to his left. "Vector..I wouldn't be here..if you never helped me, I wouldn't be here." Espio said, it sounded heartfelt but his tone was the opposite, his words leaked bitterness. "I'm nothing without you guys. I may appear like I'm fine, but I'm not. Without you guys...I would've ki-...been dead a long time ago."
Vector didn't know what to feel, happy that he was able to help Espio, or saddened by Espio admitting that he was once or still is suicidal. Vector glanced at the black fuzzy carpet, not sure what to say. They sat in silence for about a minute or two, Espio gripping the edge of the bed the whole time. Then suddenly, Espio felt a large arm wrap around him, Vector's hand landing on Espio's shoulder, Espio tensed up.
"...Just because you need help sometimes, doesn't mean you're worthless..you were a child, and ya still are. Sometimes, yer're gonna need help, whether ya want it or not." Espio felt his shoulders lower, his grip on the bed didn't feel as tight. "You know, I may be the brute of the team, but you, you are such a good fighter. Might meet my level one day ha.." Vector tried lighting the mood just a little bit, ending his laugh quicker then he intended to. He thought, this wasn't the time for that, but it was in his nature to cheer people up with humor.
"A-..Anyway, I've seen the moves you've pulled off, not even just with fighting. You're good at taking care of people, always offering guests tea and crap heh..you know, I remember the first week Charmy starting livin here. I left you two alone for the first time, you were so scared..you were like, "but vectorrr, I can't take care of a kid, what if it bites me!" Vector said, making his voice as high as he could as he imitated Espio. Again, trying to lighten the mood even though he told himself not to do that just a second ago.
"I did not say that, nor sound like that."
Vector laughed, "You said somethin like that, come on you were terrified!"
Espio rolled his eyes, he felt himself smile just for a second.
"Ha..ya know what though? Ya handled it like a boss."
"I did?"
"Yeah! Well, I mean, ya did a pretty average job, but you did great for a..uh, 15 year old!"
"I guess..what does this have to do with our discussion?"
Vector chuckled, even at his lowest, Espio always sounded so professional. "That was only a year ago, and look at ya now! I bet I could go on a week long vacation and ya would manage just fine!"
Espio laughed, "I don't know what's more baffling, us being able to afford a vacation, or you actually believing I could take care of Charmy for a week without the agency blowing up."
Vector smirked, "Aye man, give yourself some credit." Espio felt pats on his back, a little rough but not enough to hurt. "You say you struggle with emotions, but you can handle a Charmy tantrum without even yelling at em...most of the time."
"Yeah, I guess so.."
"I mean, I'm just saying, yer're great at a lot of things. Ya can fight like a T.V. superhero, ya take care of others, yer're responsible, and ya save people. You keep saying that you'd be nothing without us, but, we need you too Espio. You help keep this place in check, calm down the clients after Charmy's shenanigans. And.." Vector looked directly into Espio's eyes, "I'm proud to be yer dad."
Espio froze, "Dad?" Espio thought. How could he be his dad? But then, Espio thought about it. Vector has always been there for him. Helping him every step of the way. Giving him advice, it wasn't always good advice, but it was advice nonetheless, taking care of him, and providing him endless love. The love he once desired, but gave up on. It was sitting right next to him. Vector was like a father figure, even Charmy would call Vector dad sometimes.
Espio would always think of the Chaotix as a family, but, he never really thought about it. It was just a title that he threw on him and the other two. But now that he's really thinking about it. This is what he always wanted, a family. A family that loved him, a family that cared about him. A father that cared about him. It was right in front of him. But, how could he trust it? After everyone he trusted, how could he give his trust away after swearing he never would again? Never trust anyone, even your closest friends, you never know who might turn on you. More advice from, him.
"...Sorry if that..ugh I'm sorry, that probably made ya uncomfortable." Vector mumbled, thinking Espio probably wasn't ready for that yet. "But..Espio, I just..I know you've been through some tough crap. And, I think that's what's holding ya back. I want to help you, and I know you don't like opening up but...I just want ya to know that ya can, and I will always be here for you.." Vector smiled at him, kind of proud of how he worded that. He wasn't great with love dovey stuff like that. Though, he has had some experience with Charmy.
Espio cupped his hands together, looking straight down. Vector sighed, "it's alright, I'll leave ya alone now. Sorry if I-"
Before Vector could finish his sentence, Espio grabbed onto his arm, stopping him from getting up. He then laid his head against Vector's arm, his tail curling around Vector's legs. He didn't look at him, didn't say a thing, just laid. Vector sat in shock, for many, this doesn't seem like anything important, but it was. Espio never liked the idea of physical touch, only hugging Charmy when he needed it. So this, this was special.
This was a sign of trust, a sign that Vector was making progress. Vector placed his hand on to the top of Espio's head. Moving his hand in a circular motion, Espio felt that same warmth in his heart he felt earlier, but stronger. Everything in him screamed to get away, he didn't want to get hurt again. But he stayed, the warmth drowning out the negativity. His fear faded away, it would come back, but for now, he felt okay. For the first time, he felt safe, ignoring the advice he's been listening to every second of the day. He gave in, would he regret it? Maybe, but he was willing to risk it. Willing to risk it for Vector, his dad.