Work Text:
The highway's jammed with broken heroes
On a last chance power drive
Everybody's out on the run tonight
But there's no place left to hide
Together, Wendy, we can live with the sadness
I'll love you with all the madness in my soul
There’s a hint of sunshine in her laugh. It sounds weird and maybe, if Emily were to voice this thoughts aloud, the other team members would look at her as if she’d grown a second head; but in the privacy of her own mind, Emily gets to listen to JJ’s laughter and pine.
It took her a while to realize that that's what she was doing. Pining. It’s not a word she likes, being a professional agent who had killed on several occasions, usually made her psyche a rather blunt thing. But even she had been unable to ignore the ways in which her stomach seemed to flutter and her skin seemed to heat up whenever JJ was near.
“And that's how I learned that leaving the boys alone, isn't a good idea!” JJ’s arms are crossed and her dimples are pressing into her cheeks like clouds against the sky.
Emily’s staring. To be fair, she’s always staring because how could she not? Nobody would tell a bird to stop singing, so why should she stop staring? The Blonde's dressed as she always is, a pair of skinny jeans and a top that’s just modest enough to get the green light during office hours. Her hair is in curls and there's that familiar shade of pink painted across her lips. Technically, nothing special. Emily sees that every day but she’d be lying if she said that it didn't almost make her heart stop for a few seconds each time she saw it.
It’s Tara and Penelope who are patiently listening to their friend. Penelope’s hands are switching between tangling and untangling a small batch of cables but Tara is giving the blonde her whole attention. Emily likes Tara, she's still a new-ish member of the team but she’s fantastic at what she does and gives everyone the feeling that they matter.
“How old are they?” Tara seems to be genuinely curious and JJ smiles. “Henry’s almost a teenager at this point, which, if Will asks, is totally alright with me.” She gives the two women a playful wink before continuing. “Michael’s still small. I’m hoping he’ll stay that way because Henry is just rushing to gain height on us.” She shakes her head. “I have no clue where he gets it from, Will and I aren't really that tall.”
Penelope laughs. “My little man’s just training to become a viking. And you better make sure that my godson stays small!” She turns to face Tara. “Michael’s the cutest thing you’ll ever see!”
Emily feels a tight smile beginning to edge itself into her face. It doesn't seem voluntary, but more like a sunburn that's beginning to blister. She used to be close to Henry. She knows that. She was there when he was born. But the times had come and gone. She had left the team and her old life and then she’d come back and everything had been so… different. She was still trying to figure out whether or not she’d made the right choice. On some days, it felt easy. And then she’d look at the team and feel like the puzzle may have been put together but that some of the edges had been handled too roughly.
“These are my boys.” JJ’s grabbing the picture frame from her desk and turns it to face the newest member of the team. It shows both her and the kids, it had been taken around four months ago, on Henry’s birthday. He’s wearing a dinosaur cap in the picture because of course he is. Spencer Reid is his godfather. Of course his godson would be a nerd. The three of them look happy. Emily’s seen it before. Of course she has. Henry, with his cap and his hands shaped into claws turning towards his little brother and trying to scare him. Meanwhile JJ isn't even trying to stop what’s happening but is obviously trying her best not to break out into laughter. Her cheeks are red and her lips are pressed together in order to stop herself from smiling.
Tara is cooing now. “God they're adoreable,” she says. “Like carbon copies of you.”
“Thanks,” JJ sets the picture down at the edge of the desk. “They have their father's smile though.”
This makes Emily want to jump up. It makes her want to grab the Blonde's shoulders and shake her until she can think clearly again because they don't have their father's smile. It’s JJ’s smile through and through. That's what makes it so difficult for the older woman to look at them because all she can see when she looks at them is their mother. It’s so easy to forget their father.
Penelope has set down the cables that she's been fiddling with. She’s leaning forwards in a way, that tells Emily that she’ll ask JJ something that's probably inappropriate. “Not that I don't adore those two little lights, but I'm also curious: do you and Will actually get any time to yourself?” Her eyebrows wiggle up and down. “If you know what I mean.”
While Tara lets out a breathy chuckle, JJ’s hand reaches for the back of her neck and she smiles tensely. “The last few weeks have been stressful,” she admits eventually. “So not really.”
The tech wizard enthusiastically swats her hands against the table. “That decides it then! They are staying with me this weekend!”
“What?”
“I'll take them to the zoo, that'll give you and Will some time to reconnect.” Garcia seems entirely too pleased with herself in Emily’s book. But of course, Emily is anything but objective when it comes to JJ, so maybe what she thinks doesn't matter at all.
Because JJ looks slightly embarrassed but also relieved. She’s stopped frowning and there are those dimples again. “Thank you, Penelope.” She reaches out her hand and squeezes the one that the other women had previously swatted against the hard table surface.
“Not a problem.” They smile at each other.
Then Tara looks at the clock. “We should probably get something to eat.” She pulls out her wallet. “Do you guys want to go and get something?”
They nod, reaching for their own bags. Before Emily knows what's coming, JJ has strutted over to her, one hand on her belt. “Hey Emily, we wanna get something for lunch. Do you wanna come?”
And Emily can't get herself to say yes. Because saying yes would mean giggling at innuendos about Will and JJ. And stories about dates and the kids and today that's just not something she can do. So she shakes her head and smiles politely. “Thanks, but I still have these files to get through. Hotch will have my head if I don't hand them in.” She points at the collection of data. Which is truthfully, rather big but Hotch had said that she’d have until the end of the week to finish them.
JJ frowns for a second but appears to understand. “Alright then.” She waves her hand and leaves with the two other women.
And then Emily is alone and she sits back in her chair and crosses her arms. She should probably relax her jaw, she can feel the way that the muscles have been growing more and more tense. And she knows that there is a headache slowly making itself known because of it. But Emily doesn't relax. She can't and she's not entirely sure that she wants to think about the why.
The office is quiet now, the others went to lunch even earlier but Penelope had wanted to catch up somewhere with less people.
It’s not uncommon that she's here alone. The BAU works late hours but Emily is here after midnight on a lot of occasions. Because why would she want to go back to an empty apartment where her purpose should be to just “relax”? It seems wasteful. Emily doesn't like to feel like she isn't being useful. JJ gets to go home and she gets to have a purpose there. Even Penelope has a life outside of the BAU and Tara's a pretty accomplished woman, she doesn't know too much as of yet but she's going out on a limb to assume that she's most likely pretty well adjusted.
Emily stands up. Despite everything, her shoulders feel stiff. Rolling them back and forth, she takes a few steps and ends up standing next to JJ’s desk. It’s lively but clean. There are little post it notes with reminders on it. “Pick up dry cleaning”, “Get Henry on the 6th”, “buy Michael's birthday present”. It’s very simple but it shows Emily once again that JJ gets to have a purpose outside of these walls.
And then she sees the picture. The picture with the boys and JJ and Emily can't seem to tear her eyes away. It's such a profound moment of simplicity. Of a boy annoying his brother and a parent that's supposed to know better but can't help the amusement that comes with it.
She knows the people in this picture. And may Emily try to convey something else, she loves all of them with her entire heart. Her hand reaches out and brings the frame back from the edge of the table and sets it to where JJ had it stored previously; right in her line of sight. JJ likes to remember what and who she's doing this job for; whom she's trying to create a better world for. It helps with the cases that are especially gruesome. She'd told Emily some time ago, back when Henry was still so tiny that she could hold him with one arm.
Her hand traces the picture version of JJ. And then she tears her hand away, as if someone had tasered her. Because who does she think she is? This longing that Emily's feeling? This sense of almost belonging? That's not hers to feel. It's not hers to even dream of! Because she may know JJ, but she's not the one living a life with her. She's not the one taking pictures of JJ and the boys, or picking them up from school.
At this point, it would surprise her if she's anything more than a colleague to the other woman. So no, this isn't her right. She doesn't get to put pictures into place when she’s not even a part of the picture anymore.
The puzzle pieces may fit still but it’s forced and tethered and glued together. It isn't natural anymore.
So Emily sits back down. Emily sits back down and she gets back to filling out forms because that's where her purpose lies.
Oh, someday, girl, I don't know when
We're gonna get to that place
Where we really wanna go and we'll walk in the sun
But 'til then, tramps like us
Baby, we were born to run