Chapter Text
Heinz was hesitant to think it, and he would never dare to utter these words out loud, but life was pretty good to him right now.
It was true that his teaching job made him a lot less money, and was stressful in a completely different way than being evil had been, but he enjoyed it. Teenagers could be so hilarious, and if he managed to catch their attention and keep it, it was very satisfying work.
For a while, after he switched jobs, he expected to be more lonely than ever. But then Perry turned up at the school once in a while to tell him off for being too reckless, and Heinz started to believe that he didn't have to lose his best friend after all.
Everything changed when Perry stumbled into his house late one evening, asking for help with what he described as a tricky bullet wound.
Doofenshmirtz hadn’t hesitated for a moment, and within ten minutes he had the bullet extracted and the wound cleaned and dressed. He wasn't exactly happy with the situation, and he was berating Perry for his carelessness as he handed him a big mug of calming tea, when Perry apologised and offered to make it up to him.
A bit perplexed, Heinz had allowed it.
He didn't know what to expect: Chocolates? Or a well-written eloquent card?
Instead, Perry texted him one morning. Heinz was ordered to get dressed and be ready in an hour. Being ordered around hadn't felt very apologetic to him, but when Perry showed up after breakfast, not wearing a suit, but in something much more casual despite the fedora, Heinz began to enjoy himself.
Only halfway through dinner, when Perry borrowed him his reading glasses to check the menu, did Heinz realize that they were on a date together. This information shocked him to his core. For a moment, he didn’t know how to act, but then Perry asked him about spaghetti and suddenly it didn’t matter. Heinz hated people who insisted that el-dente was the only correct way to eat pasta, their superiority complex was stupid. It didn't matter! Let people eat soft pasta! Who cares?! Food snobs, that's who. He got so caught up in his anger that he started monologuing, except Perry wasn’t there to thwart him, he was smiling fondly and nodding in agreement.
After dinner, Perry drove him home where Heinz apparently lost control of his senses. Loudly, he announced that today had been very nice. But he was still mad .
Perry laughed in that wheezy, awkward way of his and offered to try again the next weekend. He hadn't used the word date, and neither had Heinz.
That Monday, when his coworkers asked him if he had a nice weekend, Heinz explained he'd spent some time with a friend . He sipped his coffee guiltily because that felt like a lie, but any other descriptor filled his mind with nervous static. He had to teach soon, he needed a sharp mind. There was no need to be pedantic about wether something was a date or not. Of course, he did, with awkwardly long fingers, Heinz cradled his coffee mug. Between sips of his drink, he pondered, but he had no clue how to prepare for the next weekend. What if he saw Perry before then? Would things be normal? Had things ever been normal?
His doubt was all for nothing. That Thursday, Heinz received a text with an apology; Perry had to fly to Colombia to prevent a villain from exploding the Pico Cristóbal Colón, one of the tallest mountains in the world. The text was bookended by a string of emojis that all appeared sad or remorseful.
Heinz hung his head and was about to attempt to kick himself in the head for ruining his only chance by being greedy and demanding a second date when his phone pinged again.
Is next weekend okay for you? #[ “]>
Everything turned out fine. Better than fine, because after that second date, Perry explained that he had more than made up for inconveniencing Heinz with his bullet wound, and now Heinz was in his debt.
"And what do you need for us to be even?" Heinz asked with a dramatic head wiggle. "Money? Weapons?"
「3rd date and a kiss,」 Perry signed confidently before he grabbed him by his tie, reeled him in and kissed Heinz with enthusiasm.
Secretly, late at night, Heinz had wondered what Perry kissed like. Would his lips taste mysterious? Was his tongue unlike any muscle he had experienced before? Hidden away under his comforter, in the darkness, he'd pressed his lips to the back of his hand and imagined it. Obviously, it hadn't been a fair comparison. Perry's lips were more plush, soft and giving than the bony back of Heinz's hand could ever dream of being. If hands ever did such a thing.
Perry didn't taste mysterious; he tasted like the coffee they'd had after dinner. Heinz was going to have to go back to that restaurant and complain, because either they made Heinz's coffee worse than Perry's on purpose. Or . Or Perry's mouth had a certain je ne sais quoi that everybody should experience. The problem with that is that Heinz would have to share these lips with the entire world, and he would much prefer to have them to himself. Forever.
Eventually, Perry's wide palms found purchase against Heinz's jaw and gently coerced him back.
"Perry, I think you just accidentally kissed me." Heinz pointed out, befuddled. His brain was feeling particularly soggy after what just happened to him, so he might have stuttered too.
The sound of Perry's laughter travelled in through Heinz's ears and settled somewhere in his chest. He still felt it, curled up like a ball of warmth, when Perry stepped into his car and drove home.
Heinz had been so distracted that he allowed his nemesis to leave without inviting him inside for coffee.
Their next date ended with coffee, cream and ""fireworks"" and before Heinz realized what was happening to him, he was officially dating Perry.
He wasn't a big fan of begging, but Perry stayed with him for three nights in a row and then informed him that he couldn't stay any longer. Heinz considered it- Trapping Perry like he used to do before did not seem morally defensible, but he did not want the other man to leave.
"Oh and where do you have to go?” Heinz asked snarky, with his arms wound tightly around himself. “To your miserable studio apartment? Does the mattress on your floor miss you?" He was aware he wasn’t being entirely reasonable, but he hoped that Perry would remember that Heinz's apartment was large and comfortable and that he was there: Heinz was in Heinz's apartment, and he wanted Perry to be in Heinz's apartment too.
Perry looked at him in surprise. One of his eyebrows was arched in a confused manner.
In the early years of their nemesis-ship, Doofenshmirtz imagined Perry to live in a sleek, modern, high-rise apartment. James Bond style. But as the years progressed he had become more and more sure that Perry didn't live in a spacious apartment after all. Perry had mentioned 'his room' before, on accident. Penthouses couldn't usually be described as a room.
Later in their nemesis-ship, Perry tried to decline a present (a second vase) because he didn't have space for it, so it had to be a
small
studio apartment. That, along with Perry's surprisingly long naps on the couch, his habit of occasionally having dirty gym clothes in the back of his car, and his inability to decline food, drew a pretty depressing picture.
The apartment Doofenshmirtz imagined, in the beginning, had morphed into one of those depressing rooms with a TV, a bed and nothing else. By Heinz's calculations, Perry's room was about the size of his kitchen. He wasn't sure if Perry even had a full kitchen in his room.
It made sense for Perry to live like that, he was so busy with OWCA that he didn't need much. He was on his own, and a big chunk of his free time was spent sleeping, reading or watching TV.
Or so Heinz thought.
Imagine his surprise when Perry sat him down and explained that the kids were counting on him to be home that evening.
"THE KIDS?!"
And so, a few days later, Heinz was officially invited over by the Flynn-Fletcher family to join them for dinner.
He’d been wrong about the James Bond apartment, but he was also wrong about the r/malelivingspaces studio. Perry lived in a colourful suburban home with an entire family who all loved him very much.
So much so that Heinz felt a pang of jealousy as he awkwardly sat at the table and watched as three kids and two adults tried to talk Perry's ear off all at once.
Doofenshmirtz was convinced that he was going to ruin this. They all seemed like normal and pleasant people. Surely it would take them less than ten minutes to notice that he was awkward, rude, inappropriate, and far below what Perry deserved.
Outside, the sun had set, but inside the atmosphere was warm and cosy. The lamp above the dining table cast a golden glow over the well-maintained vintage tablecloth. A beautiful backdrop for Heinz to awkwardly curl his fingers into tight fists and nervously squeeze himself. His white knuckles matched beautifully with the stitched details in the linen. But then Perry's hand, strong, wide, and cast out of bronze in the warm light, gently forced Heinz's hand, and by extension the rest of him to unfurl.
Just like always, Perry had a plan.
During dinner, he introduces several of Heinz's hobbies to different members of his family. He started with
Candace and Linda, who were informed of Heinz's affinity for musical number composition and his skill at playing multiple instruments. He felt his shoulders relax as he talked to Candace, a girl close to Vanessa in age, about musical instruments starting with the letter B. The girl turned out to play a surprising number of them. Her mother had taught her how to play most of them, but not the bagpipes. She'd learned those from her grandfather.
Then, Perry signed at the two boys that Heinz was a science teacher and an inventor.
The kids were surprisingly quickly won over. Candace told him that he was lame but nice. Heinz, as the father of a teenager, knew this to be a good compliment, so he replied with "Thank you!" And left it at that.
Despite that, Candace seemed a bit wary of him, but he understood when Linda, a pretty woman who was vaguely familiar to him, told him that Perry had never dated anyone before.
"Never?" Heinz asked him with surprise. "You've never taken anyone home before?"
Perry smiled and shook his head. Under the table, he squeezed one of Heinz's fingers.
The boys, Ferb and Phineas, were far less hesitant, and Doof quickly realized they would've liked anyone. But he mentioned proton-transporters at some point, and before he knew it, dinner was over and the kids had asked him 500 questions and somehow roped him into showing them his notes.
This left just one member of the family.
Perry's brother Lawrence had been eyeing Heinz curiously during the entire meal. He was pleasant and polite when he introduced himself but had been a little withdrawn as he watched Perry's expressions carefully. Perry had been fairly smiley, but Lawrence was also smart enough to see what his brother was doing. Heinz didn't seem so naturally charming that he could entice the entire family like this. It was his boyfriend who insisted on showing only Doofenshmirtz's best assets.
However, Perry wasn't done. He promised Linda to help her clean up, and ordered Heinz to stay at the table while he went to grab something. Then he returned barely a minute later with a model building kit and placed it between Lawrence and Heinz. Confidently, he told Lawrence to ask Heinz about vintage cars.
Three hours later, Perry had to pry his boyfriend out of Lawrence's clutches because it was time for them to leave.
"But we haven't finished the model yet!" Both of them exclaimed with disappointment at their respective partners, who were looking at them with their arms crossed.
"You can finish it next time Heinz comes over," Linda explained with a familiar smile. She'd been married to Lawrence for a few years and she had been expecting this.
"We're over halfway done!" He explained as he gestured at the half-constructed model. "We can finish it!"
"It's eleven at night, Lawrence. You have work tomorrow."
Heinz checked his watch and groaned, because he knew Linda (and Perry) were right, but also because he realized his watch was severely behind again. "I'll be back soon. Don't finish it without me!" He begged his brand-new friend.
"But it's a Ferrari Dino 206!" Lawrence exclaimed as if that would change his wife's mind.
Linda rubbed at her forehead and turned to Perry. "How many kids do I have again?"
Perry carefully attempted to count on his fingers, but he messed up, started again, and got confused again. 「Who knows?」
"Will you be back this Saturday?" Linda asked.
Perry nodded.
"I think you should take him along," She concluded playfully as she gestured at the bickering model builders at the table.
Perry nodded proudly. After all, his master plan had gone off without a hitch. To call Heinz's attention, he whistled loudly. He could see how his boyfriend was sneakily trying to add one more component to the model, but if he allowed it, they would never get back to the apartment. To Lawrence's surprise, Heinz rose from his chair immediately after hearing the sharp whistle.
「Let's go,」 And Perry turned to go collect their coats.
"Lawrence just put the model in the garage for now. It won't drive off until you've finished it, I promise!" Linda sighed fondly as she pried the glue bottle from her husband’s hand.
Perry sent Heinz to go wait in the car when Lawrence caught up to him and grabbed his elbow before he could step outside.
"You didn't have to do all that, you know," He said softly.
Perry lifted one eyebrow in confusion.
"I know you wanted tonight to go well, but next time, you can relax." Lawrence glanced at the car, where Doof was awkwardly loitering and kicking a pebble around. "If you like him, we will all try to get to know him. You didn't need to orchestra this whole thing."
Perry bit his lip, looking guilty, he'd tried to be subtle, but it seemed that Lawrence had seen through his orchestrating. 「I want you all to see how great he is.」 He admitted.
Lawrence's face conveyed a plethora of emotions before he wrapped his brother into a hug. "I never thought I would see the day."
Perry patted him on the back a few times, but when Lawrence held on despite everything, he wrestled free.
Heinz ended up waiting another ten minutes before Perry managed to make it outside.
"Don't you know it's rude to have me wait outside for so long, Perry?" Heinz grumbled as he slinked his way into the car.
「I think Lawrence expected me to be single forever.」 Perry replied apologetically.
Doof harumped, "Him and everybody else. This is a miracle."
「Am I that miserable?」
"Just drive the car.”