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I Could Just Kill You Sometimes
"This time I have the advantage" Allan Kriegman laughed as he held the pistol pointed at Kennedy Smith's heart. He quickly glanced down for a moment to make sure he was standing at least ten feet away. Any closer and his nemesis would use one of his spy-inspired tricks and disarm him, while any farther away and he risked not hitting his target. The Glock held a steady bead on Kennedy.
"Listen Kriegman, you wouldn't shoot me here would you? I just live next door, for God's sake."
"I know - it's a rough neighborhood."
"It was great until you moved in."
"Is it my fault there wasn't a 'previous evil careers' space on the paperwork when I bought my house next to yours? What am I saying? I just would have lied - because I'm evil! People say the same thing about Home Owners Associations."
"I know. Just promise me that after you kill me you clean up the mess before Lili or the kids get a chance to see it, okay?" Kennedy asked.
"Fair enough. After all, I'm evil - not heartless. It's a distinction so few people grasp. In fact, I may have to write a paper on it one day when I get the time. But business before pleasure" he concluded as he pulled the trigger and the pistol recoiled slightly. Kennedy was pushed back by the impact but he straightened up, stunned at the lack of pain. Both men stood as the retired spy felt his chest; the bullet had only passed through his shirt and flattened against his skin, but there was going to be a bruise for sure.
"My wife gave me that shirt for my birthday last year" he grumbled as he poked his finger through the hole.
"Don't tell me you're a zombie and I'm just wasting my time" Kriegman complained, dropping his arm by his side as he stood disgusted at the turn of events.
Kennedy checked his pulse. "No, still beating."
"Maybe...it just nicked your shirt and you dodged so quickly it missed."
Smith pulled out the flattened slug and tossed it to his antagonist. "See for yourself. I'm not that fast."
Kriegman checked the slug and threw it away, angry. "Talk about soft-pointed. Try this one!" he yelled and quickly drew and fired again. The shot struck Kennedy in the forehead, flattened and fell to the ground at his feet. "Did your boys in the CIA develop a personal force-field I don't know about? I have to say, it sure works a lot better than the one I made" he remarked as he walked up and punched Smith in the stomach; the retired spy doubled up and fell to his knees as his wind was knocked out of him.
"Maybe the gun's defective" Kennedy gasped. "We've managed to kill each other enough times before."
"No matter, we'll finish it off the old-fashioned way." He reached around Kennedy's throat and put a stranglehold on him, shifting behind and locking his arm around the other man. After a few minutes he got tired and released his hold; Kennedy seemed no worse for wear. "You're still breathing."
"Yeah, but I think you made me thirsty."
"Great. That same move worked on you in Moscow" Kriegman grumbed.
"It was Saint Petersburg, remember?"
"Oh, you're right. I got you with poison in Moscow."
"No, I poisoned YOU in Moscow. You poisoned me in Turin, or did you forget the wine incident?"
"Oh yeah" Kriegman said as he sat down beside Smith. "You kill a man enough times, you start to forget the details. It was right after I got my wife to seduce you."
"She wasn't your wife at the time." Barbara Bush had seduced him, and while being distracted Kriegman had spiked the Cabernet.
"No...just an evil girlfriend; we've moved forward in our relationship since then. So you're invulnerable now? That's going to make it harder."
"Harder than before" Kennedy said as he drew a knife from his waistband and attempted to stab evil's representative in the back. The blade bent away at a ninety degree angle after cutting through the fabric.
"Getting even for the shirt?"
"Just testing a theory I had. We both seem to be protected for some reason."
Kriegman sighed. "I'm going to miss killing you. I mean, I've killed a lot of people but you were always my favorite."
Kennedy was surprised to find himself moved. "Really? That means a lot coming from you. You were always my toughest opponent. Sure, everyone else only died once but still - you were one tough customer and I'm not just saying that."
"Huh. What do we do now, Kennedy?"
"Join me in retirement?"
Kriegman hemmed and hummed for a few moments. "Nah...I just don't think I'm the retirement type. I wonder if this gun even works." He took aim at a buzzard flying overhead and fired; in a flurry of feathers it plummeted out of the sky and landed in a tree across the street before bouncing off a few branches and landing on the ground below with a thud. "It seems to work fine on other things."
"A buzzard?"
"I know, it seemed a bad time to ignore professional courtesies but there weren't any eagles to shoot."
"Well, if you insist on working then..." Kennedy said as he glanced at his watch "...I've got a few hours until I have to take the kids to a birthday party."
"I hate those."
"So do I. But what do you say we try to kill each other until about...oh...two o'clock or so. That'll give me time to wash up and drop them off."
"You're on. Thanks, Kennedy. For a good guy, you're a good guy."
Kennedy saluted. "It's part of the oath, my evil friend. What shall we try first?"
A wide grin crossed Kriegman's face. "I've got this new laser that I'm just itching to try out."
"You've already tried to kill me with one before."
"Yeah, but this one fires blue beams."
"OOoooo..."
...
"So that didn't work either" Kriegman said, the disappointment obvious in his voice.
"Well, I know sixteen different ways to kill a man with a spoon" Kennedy said hopefully "and that was just the first way."
"No, I think I'd die of boredom while you tried the other fifteen...hey...do you think I CAN die of boredom?"
"It's just a saying. Nobody dies from it; I think the worst case scenario is they just end up killing themselves."
"That's a brilliant idea" Kriegman said with sudden enthusiasm. He jumped up and ran down the driveway to the street and paused, looking both ways. He tensed and waited, then ran out just as a large garbage truck was driving by. He bounced off and tumbled down the street, only to pick himself up and slap the road in frustration. He flipped off the driver and stormed back to where the two had been talking.
"I kinda figured that wouldn't work" Kennedy offered when Kriegman returned. "The way I figure it, all of our favorite methods don't work and we've run over each other before."
At that point an elderly woman paused in her stroll down the sidewalk. "Are you okay young man?" she called from her position, a look of concern on her face.
"Just trying to kill each other, but nothing seems to work" he yelled back. At this point he was becoming more disheartened at every failure; even Kennedy felt bad for him.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and continued walking past. "When something doesn't work for me, I just try something new" she muttered out loud as she disappeared behind a hedge.
"Try..."
"...something..."
"...new!" they said together. "Let me make some notes" Kennedy said as he scrambled up to retrieve writing material from his house.
...
Kennedy glanced at this watch. It was almost one-thirty. "If one of us is going to kill the other, we've only got thirty minutes to come up with something new before I have to take the kids to the party" he cautioned.
"Read off the list of the old ways" Kriegman instructed. Kennedy complied:
Guns
Knives (swords?)
Vehicle
Spoons
Poison (gas, food, injection, blowgun)
Falling
"Technically, you tripped and fell off that dam" Kennedy added.
"Don't remind me. It was a rookie mistake."
Hanging
Dynamite
Strangulation
Drowning
Arrows
"That was a classic" Kriegman interjected.
"It still hurt."
"You know Kennedy, I'm really enjoying this. It's so refreshing to talk professionally about killing."
"We did all the time back in the agency."
"That's the difference with our two sides - evil geniuses tend to be loners, so we don't have colleagues that we can talk with about the craft. A shame really, but then again if someone really was too curious about how I did things I guess I'd just have to kill them. Let's keep going with that list."
Laser
Electrocution
Trampled by stampede
Airplane
"Still not sure about that one - I think it's more like explosion or blunt force trama" Kennedy mused.
Blunt Force trama/crushed
Frozen
Cremated
Marshal arts death blows
Bends
Tigers/lions/bears (meat grinder)
Kennedy winced at that one. He still had nightmares about getting eaten alive. "That's about it. We could try death by volcano, but there aren't any nearby. I suspect it would be too close to cremation, though. We could try death by disease..."
"...but it would take too long - maybe next time" Kriegman finished the thought. Then a huge smile crossed his face.
"What is it?"
"A little something I've been working on; I was going to save it for a special occasion."
Kennedy looked at his watch. "Is it fast?"
"Oh yes."
"Then let's have it, man. What is it?"
"It's in my basement. Come see." Kriegman trotted away and Kennedy sprinted to catch up. Soon they were standing in the basement workshop which was equipped with just about everything you'd expect an evil killer to have. Assorted tools, weapons, world maps and large photos of potential targets were scattered around the room. In the center was a large metal box with switches and lights on one end. Kriegman explained as he made his way to the control section "It's a homemade nuclear bomb. Pretty dirty I'm afraid, but it should be enough to take out the basement and most of this house. It's supposed to have a remote control option but I haven't built it yet - I've been swamped. What do you think?"
Kennedy looked at his watch again. "We don't have to go to some silly fifty-nine minute fifty-nine second countdown, do we?"
"Normally, yes. But I have this baby designed to go instantly if I want. The trouble is, we don't know if it counts as a regular explosion or a new method of killing."
"Only one way to find out."
"I like your style. I'm going to miss us."
They both laughed heartily and Kriegman threw the switch.
The End