Archive of Our Own

In a world full of magic users, Hoseok could pass most days as a regular human. 

If he really set his mind to it, he would start a game of pretend; pretend to not feel a burn deep in your gut when an acquaintance hugs him in passing, pretend to not freeze with dread when a cashier’s hand brushes his, pretend to sleep peacefully after a night out with his friends even though someone’s once welcome touch had left a bitter aftertaste inside the space beneath his ribs, along his lungs and down his throat.

Whatever someone’s life looked like, whatever their ability was in a world where half the people’s affinities manifested into such, Hoseok doesn’t simply feel everything with his entire body, he absorbs it too.

Like a vessel, the doctor had said when he was five. He takes it all in until it leaves his system, he just feels.

Living became exactly that, absorbing people’s abilities, temporarily holding the manifestation of what their bodies were capable of inside himself like a heartburn, like a vessel, and nobody was the wiser.

Most days, if he pretended hard enough, he could indeed pass as a regular human, but in this life he chose to live, it became nearly impossible.

Especially when it so happened that he apparently wasn’t going to be granted peace while waiting for his friends in the library. Especially when it so happened that he had to bump into someone. Especially when that someone just had to have an ability.

Truth is that he had developed insane situational awareness ever since his affinity manifested, so it was an honest riddle to him how he had brushed past a sturdy figure’s shoulder, the books in his arms tumbling to the ground. At least he was hidden behind the big wooden shelves, avoiding the other student’s judging gazes.

“Oh, I am so sorry!” The person says. When Hoseok looks up from the several books splayed on the floor, his eyes meet the ones of a stranger.

The very first thing he notices is the silver hair paired with expressive dragon eyes. The boy holds his gaze for a second, two, three-

“Oh.” He murmurs. Hoseok’s head swims. He quickly averts his gaze and kneels down to pick up his pile, the stranger following. It’s then that his eyes fall upon an unfamiliar beige cover of a book, the one he had picked up the very last. It’s not something that belongs to him.

‘Techniques and Methods of Controlling External Magic: a guide’ the title reads. Hoseok slowly lifts his head towards the boy kneeling on the ground right before him, warm brown eyes already set on his figure.

“I think this is yours.” Hoseok says. He clears his throat when his voice comes out raspy.

The worst part must be the fact that Hoseok had strategies saved in the back of his mind to avoid unnecessary touch. He had a list of excuses lined up in a corner of his head, his reflexes were highly trained in avoiding people at all times.

But right in front of this beautiful man, he can’t remember a single thing. So when the other grabs the book and their hands touch, a grave mistake he knew in that moment he would regret, all he feels is-

Love.

Hoseok knows right away that the warmth oozing into him, the tingly sensation of another person’s magical ability, the sudden giddiness that makes him want to vibrate out of his body but ends up rendering him absolutely unmoving can’t be anything other than love.

The boy’s eyes widen, his eyelids flutter like he experiences something similar, something just as warm and sweet, which can’t be because Hoseok has never met anyone else like himself, never encountered another person whose affinity was to just hold . But in that very moment, he’s too focused on dragon eyes, full lips letting out a tiny gasp and then-

The other sighs. His shoulders lose all their tension and his lashes cast tiny shadows on his smooth skin, like butterfly wings they still flutter.

“Hoseok?” A sudden voice echoes quietly from closeby. 

It draws Hoseok right back into his body, the man tearing his hand away like he got caught doing something forbidden. 

“Shit,” He uttered, voice wrecked. “Shit, fuck, I’m sorry- I-” Before he could say anything more Taehyung appeared right behind him, eyes lighting up at finally finding Hoseok until he notices the weird tension. 

“Hoseok?”

The man jumps when he notices Taehyung, head whipping back and forth. His eyes find Hoseok’s one last time, right hand clasping his left like he got burned. He bowed once before quickly wandering off.

“What was that?” Taehyung murmured. 

Hoseok doesn’t answer. His heart beating wildly behind his ribcage, his whole body still warm and so, so full of love.

In their university’s magical department, someone once built a system which led to magic users being assigned into one of two units, external or internal.

Hoseok’s affinity was a little tricky, but in the end it all boiled down to him being an internal recipient. He’s not in control of his magic, he doesn’t willingly, externally absorb. It just happens.

External users were people, whose affinities manifested into abilities, into actual manipulations of their surroundings.

The only other internal user Hoseok had befriended during university was Jungkook, a boy he had met through other friends. His affinity fell towards animals since he would sometimes just know their need. He can’t channel it, can’t even talk to them, but simply have a knack for knowing what they felt and thought.

And that’s where it stops. His circle of magical friends was small for a reason. Hoseok hadn’t simply given up on befriending people like him, he had actively started avoiding them after his first year of university.

There was a reason why someone had divided people with affinities and abilities once upon a time. Hoseok would know, he suffers daily at the accidental brush of an external user’s skin. Their units don’t mingle, don’t really mix. There were a lot of prejudices around the two groups, so it was genuinely frowned upon to see them together as more than faint acquaintances. Either the internal user was manipulative, knowledgeable in things beyond the external user’s comprehension or the external user was oppressive, able to manipulate and abuse beyond the mind. 

It was of course more than that. People with abilities liked to think of themselves as powerful, superior even. They view their powers as a higher level of manifestation, beyond internal user’s who are just…left behind. On the other hand people with affinities have been protesting this way of thinking and its following injustices for centuries. Both were magical, none of the two groups were above or beneath the other, it was simply two different ways of the path magic could take.

Hoseok knew that some of these prejudices were simply that. They had nothing to back them up except for hatred and assumptions. But he had been hurt before, broken into a shell of himself, so he would not go out of his way to fight these borders.

They kept him safe at least.

So it was honestly beyond him why he went back to the library the next day. 

A part of him wanted to talk himself into believing that it was for the book the other had forgotten. He knew better.

His skin erupts into goosebumps at the reminder of what he had felt yesterday. Other people’s touch, magic users or regular humans, normally left him winded, full of things he couldn’t even begin to dissect. But the stranger’s touch had been different, so unbelievably different that Hoseok couldn’t help himself but go back to the exact spot in the far back of the library, hidden between the huge shelves with nothing but the book in his hands and his bag around his shoulders.

He didn’t expect the man to be actually there, walking right around the corner when his eyes fall upon Hoseok’s frozen figure. 

They don’t move. Hoseok quickly takes him in, mesmerized by the silver hair, tan skin and tall build. The other simply gawks at him.

Slowly, he lifts the book in his hand. “You forgot this. Yesterday.”

It’s kind of embarrassing how long it takes the other to react. Hoseok notices how his fingers shake, body quivering with faint shivers.

The boy takes the book hesitantly, like he expects it all to be a joke, a trap.

“Thank you.” He says quietly, voice deep. Hoseok nods, but doesn’t move.

After another moment the boy inhales sharply. “Namjoon.” He speaks. “My name, I mean. I’m Namjoon.”

Hoseok feels something trickle down his spine, it dawns upon him like the slow beginning of rain. “Hoseok.”

“Nice to meet you, Hoseok.” Namjoon mutters, lips stretching into a smile and making way for dimples.

“I’ll see you around?” Hoseok asks. He knows he must sound a little pathetic with how hopeful his voice comes out.

Namjoon’s eyes widen. “Y-yeah.”

It’s honestly a little fucked up, as if he unknowingly unlocked another character. Namjoon seems to appear in his periphery a lot more often these days. Hoseok spots him in the university’s cafe, on campus, in the hallways and of course, in the library.

Hoseok just can’t look away.

“Do you know him?” Taehyung asks one day. “Jimin told me that he’s the external unit’s prodigy, apparently smart as hell too, so he gets one on one sessions with Professor Choi.”

Hoseok gulps, averting his eyes and focusing back on his tray. “Just bumped into him in the library.” 

Realization dawns upon Taehyung’s features. “Wasn’t that when I was looking for you?”

Hoseok nods. 

“Did you feel what his ability is?”

The older isn’t sure how to respond, so he lifts his shoulders in a shrug. 

“It’s love, isn’t that insane? I heard of some people who had affinities for emotions, but never actual abilities, let alone love. I think there are only a handful in the world. I’m not even sure what exactly he can do.”

They don’t talk for weeks, but for some reason always end up straying close. 

Hoseok ends up studying in the library a lot, especially late into the night since the best seats seem to be free then, always in the far back, close to the section where they bumped into each other, until one night Namjoon actually appears there too.

“Hey.”

Hoseok looks up from his laptop, eyes widening. “Hi.”

Namjoon doesn’t move an inch but his eyes flicker all over Hoseok’s face. “Is that seat free?”

He smiles. “Yeah, sure.” 

Namjoon clumsily throws his bag 

They end up sitting across from each other, gazes meeting once in a while, wandering to the other’s hands. They don’t touch, but Hoseok knows in that very moment that they both think about it, that they both crave to feel it again, to let their fingers brush and find out if it was nothing more than a fluke.

His heart nearly beats out of his chest, he just knows.

Nothing ever happens.

Their study nights become a regular occasion, but are by no means coincidences, they’re both aware of it.

If only Hoseok, who had always been so adamant to hide from people and their wandering hands, so scared of the things he had once endured returning, could gather all his courage and simply reach out, put them both out of their misery.

He entertains the idea of avoiding the library, but Namjoon’s company is peaceful, something he doesn’t want to miss out on anymore, something he actually looks forward to.

There are things he starts noticing during those nights, like Namjoon always shivering, his hands quivering and his breath coming short sometimes. He notices the boy’s long slender fingers flexing into a fist and spreading themselves out on the table, accompanied by deep breaths. He notices Namjoon looking at him sometimes, eyes warm and smile sweet.

And he learns things about him too. Like the way his whole face hardens when he’s concentrated, his brows furrowing at times. The way he softens just like that in a matter of little moments, pretty eyes lighting up. He learns about how Namjoon always likes to bring a huge bottle of the same brand of water with him. He learns about the other’s schedule in some way. He finds out about how after hours of not talking Namjoon will go a little hoarse, his deep voice cracking a little.

He learns about Namjoon in a way that’s just a little distanced, observing him from the sidelines.

Until Namjoon will draw all of his attention towards him, focus on whatever Hoseok has to say like he’s a politician speaking. Until Namjoon observes him right back, asking questions about his assignments, trivial stuff, just to get into talking. 

Hoseok would be stupid to not realize the thing brewing between them.

It’s during a rainstorm, both again huddled into the very back and deeply focused on their respective screens, when the white noise of unrelentless raindrops hitting the window planes was interrupted by a sudden flash of white, followed by a loud, cracking noise of thunder. 

Hoseok jumps in his seat, his ankle knocks against Namjoon’s.

It can’t be longer than a fragment of a second, but both men flinch once their legs brush, a wave of warmth flooding Hoseok’s senses and rendering him useless. His heart pounds heavily behind his chest, he gasps.

Namjoon’s eyes don’t avert from his face, instead they study his expression with wonder.

“What- what’s your…” He doesn’t finish the sentence but Hoseok knows. Of course he knows.

What’s your affinity?

There is a version of him, a younger one, who could recall the pain of telling someone about his magic vividly. A version of him that he had wrapped up with cotton and bubble wrap, promising him to never let that happen again.

Hoseok could pass as a regular human in this hybrid system, in this magical university with regular courses for regular humans next to their supernatural departments.

It’s what he had promised himself to do.

His hands take hold of his seat, trying to hide the shiver that runs through his limbs, down his neck.

When Hoseok doesn’t answer, Namjoon’s shoulders sink significantly. The boy leans forward, carefully tilting his head like a curious puppy trying to catch Hoseok’s gaze. “Hoseok?”

He can’t help but flinch. His body still quivers from the aftershock of the sudden touch, another thunder echoes through the quiet space.

Namjoon lifts his hand onto the table, palm up, long slender fingers twitching in question. Hoseok’s breath stutters. He meets his gaze.

It’s a question, an offer. 

A plead.

Almost as if drifting through water, Hoseok unclasps his fingers from where they clench the wooden chair he’s sitting on, lifting his hand in a stiff motion and laying it next to Namjoon’s. No touching.

Not yet, at least.

Hoseok waits for the inevitable to happen. For Namjoon to lose his patience, his cool. For him to take hold of Hoseok’s hand, grab his wrist and tug at his limb to have that moment of control, of power. Of carefully tipped over energy, released in a silent downpour right into the very center of Hoseok’s body. Of feeling the ease and power until he realizes that it leaves Hoeseok a shell for a fraction of time.

But Namjoon’s hand stays frozen, his fingers don’t even twitch. In the dim light of the library’s weakest lamp in the very back corner of the space, right where nobody can see nor spy, Namjoon only keeps his head tilted, until he finally rests his chin on the table, warm brown eyes finding Hoseok’s.

“Hey.”

Hoseok almost smiles. The corners of his lips twitch. 

“You’re okay?”

Hoseok nods quietly.

“It’s okay if you’re not. I’m- I’m sorry, sometimes it’s too much and I know it’s deeply invasive, I’m sorry. I never mean for it to happen, but it never happened like this before either.”

Hoseok just watches him. Confusion bubbling in his chest.

“I’m an external user.”

“I know.”

“But you’re not.”

They still. “No, I’m not.” Hoseok speaks.

Namjoon keeps watching him. His expression shifts into something subdued, something pained. He looks guilty.

“Did I hurt you?” He asks.

Did it hurt? What an odd question. Hoseok wasn’t used to that.

The touch hadn’t hurt. But still, he felt undone, a little tender and sensitive, like his seams were about to fray open and untangle, his body giving up on him.

The longer Hoseok let Namjoon wait, the more pained his expression grew, something bitter laced all over his pretty dragon eyes.

“No.”

He inhales sharply. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, Namjoon. You didn’t hurt me.”

“You felt it too, right? You felt something?” He almost sounds like he’s pleading.

Hoseok nods. 

“Can I…can I touch you again?” Namjoon croaks.

“Yeah.” Hoseok answers, voice hoarse. 

Their fingertips brush, they both ease out a breath.

It’s just as sweet as Hoseok remembers. Goosebumps erupt all over his skin as the sensation of Namjoon’s touch fills him with the same warmth, the same giddiness. He feels dazed and euphoric. 

He tries to breathe through, to find his focus and realizes that he’s still here, he’s aware, he hasn’t lost his mind. 

Namjoon watches him with soft eyes, lashes fluttering like he feels something similar.

The tips of their fingers stay interlocked for a long moment until Namjoon slowly pulls away, chest heaving.

“I have an affinity,” Hoseok finally admits. “I’m…”

He can’t say it. It won’t leave his lips. He’s so scared suddenly, the pleasant aftermath of their touch shifting to the background. He still feels warm, happy even, but he just can’t force the words out.

“You don’t have to say it.”

Hoseok could weep.

He swallows the lump in his throat, coughs into his fist and splays his hand right beneath the space of his ribcage, where all the warmth still pools, sending pleasant shocks all over his body.

“I’m like a vessel.” Hoseok breathes. “My affinity is to just…feel.”

Namjoon’s eyes widen. His lips part. “You’re…”

“I feel the effect of your affinity's physical manifestation.” Hoseok explains, avoiding the word ability for some reason. He knew he could get misunderstood pretty quickly, Namjoon could assume that Hoseok was stealing something from him, this could go south so fast.

“So you feel the- you-“ Namjoon stutters. He wrangles his hands in his lap, lays them back on the table and leans forward again.

“The love? Yes.” 

Namjoon doesn’t answer immediately.

“And you're okay?” He asks at last.

Hoseok short circuits. 

“I mean- you feel like yourself, right?”

Slowly, almost in a daze, Hoseok nods. Namjoon breathes out, nods.

“Love as an ability…it’s invasive and I never mean to use it on people, but sometimes I just…slip up.”

“What happens to them?”

Namjoon looks uncomfortable, eyes darting to his screen, towards the window, back to his lap and finally somewhere around Hoseok’s lips.

“I’m not sure, they never stick around long enough to tell me. But from the couple ones that did…it kind of drives them a little wild, to feel all of that love at once. It’s like this… thing that just enters you right through your chest, makes you feel unlike yourself. And when I am the only person around…the love needs to direct itself somewhere.”

“Oh.”

Namjoon looked a little guilty. “Yeah.”

“But…it’s not like that for me.” Hoseok said suddenly, trying to reassure the other for some reason.

“I can tell. You haven’t jumped me yet.” He jokes. Hoseok snorts.

“I just feel. You don’t affect me beyond that.”

And to Hoseok’s absolute surprise, Namjoon looked at him with a hesitant smile, eyes looking almost childlike. “I’m glad.”

__

That night they talked until the librarian threw them out of the building for disturbing other students. Hoseok and Namjoon ended up sitting together behind the university’s gym, both splayed on the stairs to the back door, beneath a little roof to hide from the rain.

“My hypothesis is that you’re a little like a stress ball.” Namjoon said. 

A sudden unease fills Hoseok. “I don’t think I like that description.” He mutters.

“Oh, shit- sorry, I didn’t mean it like that!” Namjoon splutters to his defense, eyes wide. “I just mean- I think vessel fits better, you hold other people’s energy, it affects you differently, like…like a sponge soaking it up rather than a paper towel tearing apart. It affects you differently.” 

Hoseok presses his lips into a tight line. What Namjoon said made sense. He was like a stress ball. He didn’t break under the pressure, he didn’t fall madly in love with the first moving thing around him at Namjoon’s touch. He simply felt an absolute rush within, something so warm and pleasant…

“But how does it affect you?” He asks.

Namjoon brows lift in question. 

“I noticed,” Hoseok carefully started . “That you looked a little…dizzy? I don’t know if that’s the word, but you definitely felt something when we…touched.”

God, why did it have to sound like that. He’s sure that his complexion must have reddened violently.

“You noticed? I was a little relieved when we touched.” Hoseok will combust at some point- “It’s just that I never get to use my ability, you know? Like all this pent up energy inside of me and it had nowhere to go. How can I use love? How can I affect my surroundings without manipulating their entire existence? There is no completely safe way of practicing my energy. My body has gotten so accustomed to the ache of never letting it out, that’s why I’m so clumsy all the time, a little disoriented. I miscalculate my movements sometimes.”

“But…I heard you have classes with Professor Choi?”

Namjoon’s expression darkened. “Professor Choi helps me a lot, I’m really grateful for him. He knows these…ways of channeling it. But he only ever teaches me how to get stronger, more skilled.”

“And it doesn’t help?” Hoseok wondered. Namjoon shook his head solemnly.

“And that book? From the library, I mean.”

“Haven’t finished it yet. It’s good, but there isn’t enough research on emotion-centered abilities. Do you have any idea how often I get letters asking me to participate in some sketchy lab tests?”

“But how do you manage it then?” Hoseok asked curiously. He can relate to some degree, he knows what it’s like to have your magic affect your way of living so much that all you want to do is withdraw from the world. 

But once he’s alone his affinity doesn’t hurt him no more. Namjoon can’t claim the same.

“It’s not always easy, I get a lot of dizzy spells, can’t sleep at times, but I also have ways of dealing with it.” He didn’t explain it further than that and Hoseok had a feeling he shouldn’t be digging into it at the moment, so he didn't.

The rain didn’t lessen that night, so they had no choice but to say their goodbyes in the middle of the downy eventually. 

Hoseok had left that day soaked from head to toe and funnily enough, even reaching into his chest.

—

Truth is Namjoon is right. Hoseok was a stress ball. 

In today’s world there were some better or lesser suited options for people with abilities to channel their magic. In most cases those who were affected would go through a mandatory training period, something like an after school program. It would suffice to learn the minimum amount of control.

If it didn’t though, those students would be required to visit a doctor and get a prescription for a follow up course. 

Even till this day there were special…facilities focused on helping you learn control over your ability. People with affinities lucked out regarding this, their magic was internal, didn’t affect anyone but themselves so they were granted freedom from this system other than having to be registered, affinity and all. One more reason adding to the wedge between the groups.

So there were lots of preventative measures and interventions put in place for struggling magic users, methods of teaching control and easing the pent up pressure of holding your ability in at all times. Especially for those whose magic gained strength from interacting with the element of it.

Hoseok couldn’t imagine how someone as joyful and nice as Namjoon was coping, having an ability whose source was anchored within himself, a constant interaction that must make him feel like a high pressure cooking pot, whistling away.

In his freshman year his first boyfriend had quickly realized that having Hoseok around eased that pressure. Only, his ability had been that of ice.

Till this day Hoseok can’t explain himself why Yunjae didn’t simply channel his magic towards objects he could freeze, why he had to hold onto Hoseok with his iron grip, making him sick for the entirety of the first semester. 

He had been so close to dropping out that time. A constant shiver, the effect never really melting off before the next touch happened. They couldn’t even kiss without Hoseok feeling a chill seeping through his bones.

It took him an awfully long time to realize that Yunjae was doing it on purpose at times. That it wasn’t normal to feel sick for three days after hugging your boyfriend, that the effect should have started weaning off after minutes rather than days.

Hoseok knew intimately what it felt like to be used. After realizing he had felt so violated that he had hidden at Taehyung’s apartment for an entire week, turning his phone off in cold terror of having to face Yunjae. 

It was Taehyung and Jungkook, accompanied by Jimin, who had been with him when he finally broke up with the boy. They had lingered somewhere close, purposefully trying to seem more intimidating than they were. Jungkook had worn a short sleeve to show off his tattoos, making it seem like he was anything other than Hoseok’s softhearted close friend.

Yunjae hadn’t been thrilled, threatening them with anything he could come up with on the spot. 

Four boys against one, though the odds hadn’t been in their favor, especially not after the moment Yunjae took a step closer towards Hoseok, leading to Taehyung breaking out of the formation they had built to hit him square in the face.

It had been a bluff that saved Hoseok and his friends, before Yunjae could lose his shit completely. He had threatened to go to the police, pretended to have proof of being sick from someone else’s ability as if the standard doctor had the machinery for that, the tests to prove it. 

Till this day they rarely cross paths, Hoseok diligently staying away from the university’s magical department, avoiding to go to the cafeteria alone, avoiding…a lot, to be honest.

Yunjae hadn’t shared any rumors about him, hadn’t made him a target but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t do so eventually. Internal and external users dating was frowned upon as it is, almost seen as a complete taboo. Hoseok still woke up with the sensation of ice piercing his insides at times, body rocking in shivers, unable to shake it off. He had started dreading winter, always carrying heating pads with him during that season.

So it shouldn’t make sense. He’s not sure why he came clean to Namjoon so quickly, why he had allowed the other’s touch, why he couldn’t stay away.

But Namjoon was…warm. If Hoseok had to describe him in one word, he would choose that.

They keep meeting. There is no doubt, no fuse. They both can’t stay away.

It’s clear when they keep going to their spot at the library, every week on the same day, same time. It’s clear through the fact that it’s their spot.

Namjoon keeps appearing at the library for random midnight study sessions. They keep taking a walk around the building, always ending up at the gym’s back door.

Hoseok isn’t sure how a person's eyes can hold so much duality. One moment they’ll sit quietly next to each other, Namjoon animatedly talking about the most recent research focusing on emotion based abilities he came across, he’ll listen to Hoseok ramble about his pretty normal courses with wide eyes, almost puppy like.

The very next moment he’ll only look at the other, eyes fierce with the unsaid things they hold. His attention is overwhelming. But Hoseok, who went his entire college life trying to go unnoticed, who had resigned himself to a quiet life with no one to pay attention to him, let alone admire him, can’t help but grow a little addicted to it. Everytime Namjoon’s eyes take this focused edge, this strict and serious gaze that tells Hoseok I’m listening to you and I care and I want to know and I’ll remember this , the other boy grows a little flustered, a little breathless.

Namjoon doesn’t seem to realize the effect he’s having on Hoseok. He’s his usual endearingly clumsy, honest and kind self. He never makes a comment about Hoseok going quiet, stuttering or distancing himself. 

He hasn’t called Hoseok a stress ball again. Not even as a joke.

“You should take a break eventually, you’re going to burn out at the pace you’re going.”

“Huh?” Hoseok asked absentmindedly. He had met up with Jimin at the library after their classes ended. There was an essay he had to work on and the book he needed wasn’t available online. 

“You’re spending so much time studying lately,” Jimin spoke, trailing behind Hoseok. “You’re going to burn out.”

“Oh.”

How to explain to your friends that you’re spending progressively more time with someone new, an external user, the university’s golden prodigy.

You just don’t. That’s what Hoseok had decided. After the whole fiasco with Yunjae went down, none of them looked kindly upon external users anymore. After all, they had seen Hoseok work through the aftermath.

“It’s not that bad.” Hoseok tried. 

“You’re almost always at the library and midterms are still a month away.” Jimin complained. 

“I just get more stuff done here.”

“That’s fine and all but don’t you think you should be resting a little more? We asked you to come out three times last week and you told us you were busy studying every single time-“

Well, fuck him.

It wasn’t a complete lie. He was studying during those times. He just tended to take more breaks ever since Namjoon had started joining him. They started leaving a little earlier to sit and chat behind the gym. 

They hadn’t touched again, both so hesitant. But there was an undeniable sense of need in the air. The tension was thick when they looked at each other these days, Hoseok knew what Namjoon was thinking of. He knew Namjoon did the same.

“Ah, I’m sorry, Jimin-“

He bumped against a person while trying to explain himself, immediately hit with a full body shiver, books falling out of his grasp at the feeling of warmth trickling over his body like a hot shower. Suddenly Hoseok felt like thawing.

“Fuck, sorry- Hoseok?“

Namjoon. That was Namjoon, looking down at him with wide eyes. In a matter of seconds there was a hand wrapped around Hoseok’s forearm, yanking him back and behind a smaller figure.

“Watch it.” Jimin’s voice echoed coldly.

Namjoon blinked a couple times, clearly trying to get a hold of himself. 

Hoseok slowly peeled off Jimin’s hand. “It’s okay. It was an accident. I didn’t watch my way.” He stepped next to the boy rather than hiding behind him, trying to swallow the annoyance at being handled like a child.

Namjoon’s eyes flickered between the both boys, falling upon the way they stood close together. “I’m sorry.” He said.

“It’s okay.”

“You should really watch your way.” Jimin interjected.

Hoseok flinched at the harsh tone. He wanted to tell his friend to shut up. He wanted to hug him. He wanted to reassure him. 

A part of him is unbelievably angry. Another understands that Jimin, just like him, can’t help but react a certain way.

“I’m sorry.” Namjoon repeated, voice slightly more tense. “It won’t happen again.” And with that he quickly stepped forward, walking past.

A moment passed. Hoseok burst.

“What the fuck was that?” He demanded. 

Jimin blinked, his face blank. “How did he know you?”

Hoseok took a deep breath. He simply picked up his books and walked towards the exit, a second pair of steps quickly following him behind.

“Hoseok-“

“You need to stop treating me like I’m a kid.”

“I don’t treat you like a-“

“You do. What even was that? You treated me like I was a child. I'm not helpless. I can take care of myself just fine. I won’t explode from someone bumping into me. It has happened before and it will continue to do so.”

Jimin, to his defense, looked at least a little chastised. “I’m sorry for overreacting, okay? I just panicked. That was Kim Namjoon.”

“I know who he is. I know his ability too.”

“Did he touch you?” Jimin asked and Hoseok experienced a strange sense of deja-vu from a couple weeks before when Taehyung had echoed the same sentiment.

“You need to stop. You and Taehyung both. It’s normal to worry, it’s not normal to treat me like I’m in need of a guard dog at all times.”

Jimin breathed out, still tense. “I’m genuinely sorry. I’ll try to rein myself in.”

Hoseok nodded slowly. “Thank you.”

After a moment Jimin chimed in again, “You still haven’t answered me how you know him. He said your name.”

“Well he studies here, just like me and you.”

“And?”

“And what? I know him from the library, stumbled into him a couple times. We talked once or twice. Nothing much.”

What a lie. Hoseok isn’t sure why he’s keeping this from his friends, but he only feels reaffirmed in his decision to do so after today's events. They wouldn’t understand this weird type of friendship between him and Namjoon. And it was still so tender and new, Hoseok didn’t want to have to tell someone. Didn’t want to have to explain himself.

“Did you feel something?” Jimin asked.

Hoseok licks his lips, then shakes his head. “Passed too quickly to be sure.” He simply said.

The other boy nodded in understanding. “I heard he’s crazy powerful, they say he manipulates all of his friends into liking him with his ability, I would just stay away- okay, okay, I get it, I’ll back off.” 

Hoseok dragged his angry gaze back to his books, suddenly feeling upset at the notion of people assuming these terrible things over Namjoon, of his friends not liking him. “He’s pretty okay.” 

Jimin looks at him funny. “Yeah? Like what exactly? His height or that deep ass voice…ouch!”

The boy quickly stepped back, trying to avoid Hoseok’s flailing hand.

“I mean it. He hasn’t overstepped or anything. He doesn’t seem like an asshole.”

Jimin threw his arm around Hoseok’s shoulders, humming. There was still a little warmth ebbing away inside of him, a tingling sensation. “I don’t think he is one either. But you can never be sure. If he means to do so or if it’s by mistake, he’s still capable of hurting people.”

Hoseok didn’t answer, though he couldn’t help but wonder what exactly made Namjoon someone to be avoided at all costs. His crazy powers? The possibility of hurt? Of manipulation? If you asked the Hoseok of three months ago, he would tell you that Jimin was right. Point blank, no discussion. But the one from today is a little astonished at the simplicity of it all.

He’s capable of hurting you, so stay away.

But aren’t all humans? Hoseok was vulnerable, sure. But he was also durable. He was resourceful. He was resilient. He wasn’t helpless.

If Namjoon was to be avoided, then so was Hoseok, and Jimin and all the other people in the world.

Right?

Namjoon didn’t come to the library for an entire week. Hoseok didn’t see him at all during that time and a part of him knew that it was because of the situation with Jimin. He didn’t want to accuse the other of avoiding him, but couldn’t help to think that it had to be so.

Eventually, a full week later, Hoseok on the verge of giving up, Namjoon appears right in the periphery of their shared table, eyes zeroing in on him immediately.

“Namjoon…” Hoseok breathed. The other looks stiff.

“Hey.”

There was a clump sitting in his throat, he tried to clear it but it stayed right where it was. “Don’t you want to sit down?” Hoseok asked.

Namjoon’s eyes flickered to the empty seat. Slowly he moved to set his bag down. “I didn’t plan on staying long. Just need to…finish up this assignment.”

It was awkward. “Yeah, I’m almost done too.” Hoseok said.

They worked in silence. No coffee break and no chatter. It tore at Hoseok’s conscience.

“I’m gonna head out now.” Namjoon says after an hour. Hoseok’s head whipped up. He had been staring at the same paragraph for the last twenty minutes, zoned out.

“Wait!”

Namjoon froze. “Can we talk?”

“Look, if this is about last week, I’m genuinely sorry, but I didn’t see-“

“What? No, I’m the one who’s so-“

“Excuse me,” Suddenly a worker chimed in. “But can you both handle this outside? You’re disturbing the other students.” 

Namjoon and Hoseok both scrambled to apologize and gather their stuff, quickly heading out to avoid the judging gazes of the others. This was the third time they got kicked out of the library.

Like a default setting, both of them headed towards the same direction, towards the gym.

“I wanted to apologize because of my friend. He was really rude and I already talked to him about it.”

“Your friend?” It took Namjoon a second to realize that Hoseok probably meant Jimin. “I thought he was your boyfriend.” He blurted out.

“What?” Hoseok stopped dead in his tracks. “ Jimin? He’s my friend, as in just friend. Why did you think that?”

“I mean- he was so- he- what was I supposed to think? He was really protective of you! I thought he was going to pick a fight!”

Hoseok groaned, pressing the balls of his hands against his eyes. “I’m so sorry about that. He is protective. He knows of my affinity. He had no right to be so rude to you, I’m genuinely sorry.”

Namjoon blinked. “Oh.” He muttered. 

“Are you still mad?”

“A little annoyed maybe.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

They both looked at each other for a second. Slowly the air shifted, tension started to build up again. Hoseok cleared his throat.

“You don’t have to answer, but…your affinity…does it affect you a lot?” Namjoon suddenly asked. They had reached the gym’s back door again, it stood closed and locked, but they both could make out multiple voices from inside. Probably some type of practice.

Hoseok looked at him questioningly. “Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“I mean- yes. Yes, it does. Why do you ask?”

“Your…friend reacted really badly to me stumbling into you. And I know he knows who I am.”

Hoseok’s throat felt dry all of a sudden. He didn’t speak for a minute. Namjoon didn’t press.

“I told you I’m like a vessel.”

The other hummed. 

“Absorbing someone’s abilities…I know you said I’m a sponge rather than a paper towel but I don’t feel any different from one to be honest.”

Namjoon’s face fell. “It hurts?” 

“Not always. It’s uncomfortable a lot of times, overwhelming every time. It really depends on the ability but it can…it can hurt. A lot.” Hoseok coughs into his fist. He can feel his heartbeat from the base of his throat. His hands are clammy.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know. But you said- when I touched you, you said I didn’t hurt you.”

“Because you didn’t.” Hoseok was quick to interject, eyes wide. He held Namjoon’s desperate gaze for a second before looking at the boy's chest rather than his eyes. “You didn’t- you don’t hurt me, Namjoon.” 

The boy didn’t answer. When Hoseok looked up again he was staring right into the pit of Namjoon’s soul, he felt like. Because the other was looking at him in that way he always did when Hoseok had something to say, like whatever spilled from his lips mattered. 

Like Hoseok mattered.

He felt breathless.

“Your ability feels…it makes me feel-“ The words didn’t come. They simply didn’t form in his mouth and it was frustrating.

But Namjoon didn’t dig. He simply extended his hand, palm up and fingers jittery. 

And of course, Hoseok takes it.

It feels a lot like a beginning, the euphoria coursing through his body in pleasant waves, the giddiness bubbling inside of him, desperate to burst out any way. 

-

Being friends with Namjoon is not something Hoseok had ever expected to happen to him. It’s not even something he ever thought he would want. 

But being friends with Namjoon proved itself to be an absolute…experience by the day.

For starters, he always managed to miscalculate his limbs for some reason, which ended up in him bruising himself up like crazy. Hoseok had started to carry band aids with him lately.

But meeting up with him at the library, at their spot behind the gym, to walk around with him around the block and share some bad tasting vending machine coffee, those were all things that kept Hoseok going lately. Things he looked forward to.

Namjoon was still careful, still hesitant to ever reach out. But the moment Hoseok initiated anything he almost always melted into it, like it was second nature.

And that was something that kept happening. Hoseok initiated light grazes of their knuckles, bumping their shoulders, sitting close enough to press their thighs together. And everytime without fail, they would let out a sigh, falling into it.

Hoseok had never felt so intensely. He feels like he’s vibrating out of his skin sometimes, a deep sense of vulnerability that without doubt will always make him feel warm with joy and euphoria. 

“What does it feel like to you?” Namjoon had asked him one afternoon, their fingers resting against each other.

“Warm. Really happy. Like I could take on the world but it also makes me want to hide away. You?”

“Makes me feel more at ease. A little free. Like I’m hiding beneath a blanket but I’m also taking on the world with you, you know?”

Hoseok had giggled against his will then, pressing his lips together. Namjoon’s eyes lit up with something unmistakable. Hoseok didn’t dare to name it yet.

-

Sometimes Hoseok waits for Namjoon after his classes. They had fallen into a rhythm of things, always seeking each other out. And not even in their free time, they had started to do tasks together. If Namjoon had to pull an all-nighter for an essay in the library, Hoseok would join him until he started to doze off, cheek squished against his notebook. If Hoseok had to go grocery shopping for the week, feeling bad to leave the task to Jungkook for the third consecutive time, he would take Namjoon with him, both giggling away in between the aisles, arguing over fresh produce and jam brands.

Hoseok still wanted to avoid the magical department, so most of the time he tended to wait outside the gate, but lately he felt more and more daring, ignoring the unsettled feeling inside of his gut every time he took a step towards the building. Yunjae hadn’t crossed his path at all until now.

Emphasis on ‘until now’.

Since magical abilities mostly weren’t something other people could spot, nor sense at first glance, Hoseok flew under the radar most of the time hanging out with Namjoon. Like an unspoken agreement, both of them were still inclined to go to rather vacated places, but all in all they didn’t really try to hide.

But seeing Yunjae again after almost a year of manically avoiding him…it felt like a nasty reminder of why exactly Hoseok liked to avoid the magical department at all costs. He had promised Namjoon to wait at the stairs, had texted him several thumbs up, but in that specific moment he felt so consumed by whatever it was he endured for an entire semester in his first year, he quickly hid himself in the men’s bathroom, sending the other a quick text.

Eventually Namjoon found him in one of the stalls. 

“Hoseok?” His voice echoed quietly. “Are you in here?”

As soon as the other heard, he unlocked the stall and pushed it open.

“Hey.”

Namjoon’s worried face appeared in his periphery. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Almost ran into someone I don’t like.”

“Should I beat them up?”

“With your love magic? He’ll develop a crush on you as soon as you uppercut him.”

Namjoon snorted. “That would be so cruel, but I’ll do it anyway.”

“The hero I didn’t know I needed.” Hoseok joked. He already felt much better now that Namjoon was here.

“But like for real now, did something happen? Did he harass you?”

Hoseok coughed into his fist, slowly pulling himself up from the toilet and walking towards the exit. “No, I mean not recently, no. You remember how I told you that sometimes touching people hurts?”

Namjoon hummed in confirmation.

“Well that person…knew that. And took advantage of it.”

Something very still overcomes Namjoon’s features, almost making him look like a statue. But the longer Hoseok looks the more he can spot the angry twitch of his cheek, the clench of his jaw. The blankness of his usually expressive eyes was intimidating, to say at last.

“Who was it?”

“Namjoon-“

“Who-“ The other interrupted. “Who the fuck-“

“Namjoon, it’s in the past. I took care of it.” Hoseok emphasized, before repeating it for good measure. “I took care of it. It’s just shitty. I don’t like being here for long. Let’s go.”

And without even thinking it through, he grabbed Namjoon’s forearm, dragging him out of the building before anyone could spot them. Hoseok tried to breathe through the flimmering pulse of Namjoon’s magic filling his senses. It’s only when they’re out that he feels so thoroughly overwhelmed all of a sudden, that he flinches back. Namjoon tears his arm out of the loosened grip.

He knows immediately what it is.

“I can’t- I can’t get a grip right now.” Namjoon pressed out, breathing heavily through his nose while he took a step back.

“Namjoon-“

“Maybe I should leave-“ The other interrupted, hands flexing and loosening at his sides. “I’m so sorry, I know this is the last thing you need right now but I can’t help it- I’ll- I’ll see you around okay? I’ll text you.“

In a matter of seconds Namjoon took several steps back until he eventually turned around and walked away at a quick pace. 

Hoseok stood there, watching the other’s back get smaller and smaller until he vanished behind a building. There were words forming in his mouth, things he felt like he had to say, a mountain of sentences tied into a salad of knots.

Eventually all that comes out is a quiet murmur, “But…your bicycle-“ 

Namjoon was long gone.

Hoseok did get a text from Namjoon hours after midnight. 

He pressed the call button before he could chicken out.

“Hoseok?” His deep voice echoed through the phone speaker. 

“Hey.” was all that left his lips. There was some rustling on the other side, a sigh.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“You’re asking me?” Hoseok snorted. 

Namjoon didn’t immediately answer. “I wanted to explain it to you tomorrow, but I guess there is no use in waiting.”

“Probably not. What happened today? I could feel…your ability. Differently than before.”  I could feel you using it on me and it scared me absolutely shitless but then you vanished right on the spot looking more afraid than me so I just know that you couldn’t have done it on purpose, not you-

“You know how sometimes some people with abilities can lose control? Like lose their grip on their powers and it just leaks out? I was really upset about what you told me…”

“So you started leaking?”

“Can you not say it like that!” Namjoon complained. Hoseok pressed his lips together, trying to keep himself from smiling too widely.

“But?”

“But yeah. That’s basically it. Coupled with the fact that my ability thrives in its element…deadly combo.”

“What do you mean?”

Namjoon hummed on the other side, clearing his throat. “I mean…like when it comes to people I like, people that are close to me, my ability kind of grows in strength. That’s why I’m so strong, I have lots of things that I love.”

Hoseok’s heartbeat quickened. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. You know that one kid from the magical department? The one who accidentally gave someone a second degree burn because it was really hot last year and he has heat as an ability? Or the one who started vibrating at the school festival because of the speakers.”

“I’m not sure. I mostly keep away from the magical department.”

“You told me. I’m sorry that I ran away today.”

“It’s okay. You forgot your bike.” Hoseok whispered into the speaker. He could hear a door, a light in the hallway. Jungkook and his nightly weak bladder, he mused.

Namjoon groaned into the receiver. Hoseok felt himself heat up. “Don’t remind me. I only noticed halfway through. Hey, do you want to book a group room at the library tomorrow? I really like our spot but I think if the librarian throws us out one more time we’re going to get banned for life.”

Hoseok laughed quietly, conscious of his roommate. “Let’s do it. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Sure thing. Good night.”

Booking a room at the library was by far the best and worst decision they had ever made. Right after that time Hoseok had forced chocolate-mint ice cream down Namjoon’s throat during one of their walks. The other still held a grudge over that.

They were not getting anything done. Not in the slightest.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have done this.” Hoseok breathed, holding his tummy that started aching long ago.

He had managed to get a cramp from laughing too hard at one of Namjoon’s impressions. The other had looked so pleased at Hoseok’s suffering, leaned back in his chair to simply watch him breathe through the pain.

“Probably not. But then I would have missed the chance to see you almost piss yourself.”

“Weird kink but okay.” 

Namjoon groaned into his hands, silver hair falling into his face. 

Hoseok’s phone chimed with a notification. He threw it a glance and saw a message from Jimin asking him when he would be there.

“Is that your friend?” Namjoon asked, setting his chin down on his palm to watch Hoseok intently. The other just hummed in confirmation.

“Planned a movie night. I cancelled too often lately, Jimin grew suspicious.”

“Am I your dirty secret, Hoseok?” Namjoon asked and admittedly, Hoseok’s gut clenched at his voice. 

“Ah-“ And to his complete embarrassment, he couldn’t come up with a good answer, only growing more and more red while staring at his phone.

“I’m just joking, you know that, right?”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I haven’t told anyone about…us.” And here it goes.

Namjoon blinked at him a couple times before understanding dawned upon him, making him lean back in his chair to fiddle with his pen.

“It’s okay. I haven’t either.”

“Really?” Hoseok asked, voice full of surprise.

“Why are you so shocked?” 

“I don’t know, I just realized that I didn’t think about this from your perspective. But I guess it’s the same for us both.”

“Hm. My friends probably wouldn’t judge me but I don’t think they’d understand it either. Especially with our specific situation…”

Hoseok tried to swallow down the knot in his throat. “Mine wouldn’t either. I mean, you saw Jimin, they’re really hesitant to trust any external user after what happened in my first year.”

“He almost fucked up my face. I could literally smell his desire to do so.” 

Hoseok snorted. “I can’t deny that completely. He overreacted though. I talked with him about it. I still can’t believe you thought he was my boyfriend. I thought you were avoiding me.”

Namjoon’s eerily still, doesn’t react and when Hoseok looks up at him he realizes that he looks oddly stiff. Almost uncomfortable.

“Wait,” Hoseok said. “Did that actually bother you?”

And to his absolute surprise, Namjoon turns a bright shade of red, right from his ears to his neck and face.

Oh , Hoseok thought in the quiet seconds in between his next stuttering breath, He likes me back .

He’s overcome with a plethora of emotions, all of them so overwhelming that he can’t stop to decipher them. But the one who shines through the most is fear.

Hoseok feels something bubbling up, feels like that wet paper towel on the verge of tearing apart, feels the reminder of it stirring him unpleasantly from within.

His breath comes short, the world tilts a little, he doesn’t even realize that he slumped into himself, that his face is hiding behind his hands, nor that Namjoon’s gentle, oh so gentle, voice is trying to reach him.

“…need to be scared, Hoseok, can you hear me? It’s okay, it’s okay, I promise it’s okay. I won’t bother you, I promise, we can- whatever this is what we have, I like to be your friend first and foremost, I lived with my ability all my life and I can continue to do so afterwards, I’d never- fuck, if you think I manipulated you into something, I’d never do that-

Hoseok’s head whips up, his eyes wide. “I don’t-“ He rasps. “I don’t think that.”

“I’d never do that, Hoseok, I’d never manipulate you, I’d never do what that fucker did, I won’t bother you, I promise-“

Oddly enough, during this entire situation there are two things that shine out to Hoseok the most.

Number one being the fact that Namjoon was visibly distraught, probably even more so than Hoseok who legit started to panic at the prospect of someone being interested in him like this. The other…

The other was the fact that Namjoon hadn’t touched him once during this entire process, not even stroked his shoulders, nor held his hand to calm him down. He had stood up to kneel right in front of Hoseok’s chair, but his hands rested tightly clenched in his lap. The only thing touching Hoseok were his desperate eyes.

Hoseok could feel a sense of familiar warmth, something euphoric. Something he maybe shouldn’t be feeling without the accompanying touch of Namjoon’s skin on his. But regardless, he did.

“Hoseok?” The other looks hesitant, almost scared.

“You like me?”

Namjoon looks at him quietly before he nods. “I promise you, nothing has to change.”

And that does it.

Hoseok lifts his hand, lays it right on the side of Namjoon’s face, whose eyes widen with hope as their magic connects.

“It’s okay.” Hoseok whispers. “I need a moment.”

Namjoon nods again. After a couple seconds of Hoseok regaining his grip, he leans his forehead right against Namjoon’s. “I like you, too, by the way. If you haven’t noticed.”

“ Fucking hell .” Namjoon says. Hoseok kisses him.

It’s just a moment, a butterfly’s touch, but right after he lets go, Namjoon’s hands find his face instead, bringing him closer again.

“I like you a lot, actually.” Namjoon breathes against his lips. Hoseok feels faint, almost pliant like clay. He chases the others’ lips with a desperation only born from holding back for so long.

Namjoon’s lips are soft, his tongue gently prodding at the seam of Hoseok’s. It’s bliss, it’s so captivating that Hoseok’s hands find Namjoon’s shoulders to drag him closer until he notices that the other is still kneeling at the ground, resting in between Hoseok’s thighs to lean up for their kiss.

“I’m really glad the librarian isn’t around right now.” Namjoon huffed and Hoseok’s smile grew so much that he couldn’t properly kiss him back anymore, opting to simply rest his forehead against Namjoon’s shoulder, basking in the feeling of simply this.

-

Not much changes per se, but nonetheless, they’re a little more desperate for each other's company lately. Making up silly excuses to meet the other in between classes, behind the building, in between shelves of the library and right outside the gate.

It’s not a secret, Hoseok tells himself. But the truth is that they can’t help but stay overly careful with their displays of affection. If Namjoon steals a kiss right before his class then nobody was the wiser but Hoseok’s friends still didn’t know about him, about them.

It eats away at him from inside. Namjoon never holds it against him, can’t hold it against him, to be honest. They’re in the same boat. Other students seeing them hang out once or twice in the library is one thing, but a whole relationship between an internal and external user would garner attention of the negative kind.

They’re both in agreement about wanting to keep it quiet until eventually they’re ready. But right now, as Namjoon said, this was their dirty little secret.

Hoseok had punched him in the arm for that. 

Nonetheless, Taehyung, Jimin and Jungkook grow more suspicious by the day. Especially the latter who witnessed Hoseok murmuring away on the phone in the middle of the night sometimes during his toilet trips. Hoseok had denied it every step of the way, but he couldn’t really bring them to believe him.

“Why can’t you just tell us the truth?” Taehyung had pouted at one of their movie nights. “It’s not like we’re going to chop your head off. You’re a grown man with needs-“

“I can literally hear you giggle at the phone every night. The walls aren’t that thick.” Jungkook complained. 

Hoseok had hid his face in one of the throw pillows until Jimin ripped it out of his hands. “He doesn’t have to tell us, but Hoseok, for the love of everything that is good, don’t think you’re being slick. We may have not seen you with them yet but we know that you’re seeing someone. You’re…different.”

Happy is left unsaid but Hoseok knows that they’re all thinking it. He had started leaving his apartment a little more often lately, had laughed a little more unrestrained, done things with an air to him that the others must not know yet. He never felt this way.

They are still brats about it, still tease him relentlessly about his mystery man, but they’re not unkind. They wouldn’t dare to be. Hoseok adores them.

Namjoon never expects Hoseok to pick him up after class, but is always utterly delighted at the sight of him waiting close by. At some point some of the students started noticing them, so Hoseok never ventures inside the building anymore.

“How long until you have to leave?”

Namjoon had hummed, voice rumbling deep in his chest and sending sweet shivers down Hoseok’s back. “Maybe ten minutes? Though I wouldn’t wanna be late this time, Professor Choi is still on my ass for last week. He’s a little rougher these days.”

Hoseok, who had his forehead pressed against the side of Namjoon’s neck, quickly came out of his hiding spot to blink at his boyfriend with disapproval. “I don’t like him.”

“I know, baby.”

Hoseok had suppressed the warm shudder overcoming him.

“I don’t like that it feels like I’m hiding you.” He told Namjoon. They were hiding away in a storage room, surrounded by multiple shelves filled to the brim with musical equipment. Hoseok knew that Namjoon’s fingers itched with the need to let his fingers thrum on the bongo drums stacked to the side. 

“I don’t like it either,” Namjoon had answered, hands splayed on Hoseok’s waist after the internal user had grabbed them himself in the face of the other’s hesitation. Namjoon almost always touched him with reverence, too scared of hurting him. “Makes it feel like we’re doing something to be embarrassed of. But I’m not. You wanna come clean eventually, right?” 

Hoseok felt a stabbing sort of pain at the question, hurt by Namjoon assuming that he wouldn’t want to. He owed it to nobody but himself though.

“Of course,” He’d been fast to affirm. “I’m serious about you.”

Namjoon had looked slightly reassured by Hoseok’s words, pretty eyes softening. “I told Yoongi that I was seeing someone. He asked me about you but I told him that we were still figuring it out.”

Hoseok had felt deeply unsure about himself, about the way he came across, but nevertheless he had tried. “That’s the truth, though. Isn’t it? We’re keeping it quiet because we want to figure this out in our time.”

Namjoon had simply nodded then, leaning in to kiss the highest part of his cheekbone before letting his lips move to Hoseok’s mole on the top of his upper lip.

“You have such pretty lips.” He mumbled. Hoseok’s heart fluttered, paired with the constant pleasant tingling of Namjoon’s magic filling him up, he was starting to go a little dizzy. 

“You should kiss them more.” Hoseok replied without thinking much. It was only when Namjoon let out a cackle that his words caught up to him. The other was on him before he could reply.

Hoseok didn’t like hiding, didn’t enjoy making them both feel dirty. But if it meant to selfishly keep Namjoon to himself for a little while longer, to have this for just one more day, he would accept it.

-

The issue with this sort of dynamic was that they quickly ran out of private spots. They could book the room only so often, could hide in uncomfortable storage closets just the same. There was genuinely nothing like the peace and quiet of someone’s room but both of them had roommates, so it became a little too daring to smuggle the person in and out without raising any suspicion.

So long story short, hiding quickly became extremely exhausting.

But Hoseok wasn’t ready yet, wasn’t sure how his friends would take his new relationship. Not to mention the fact that eventually people would start spewing their self righteous opinions in their faces once they found out. Hoseok adored his friends but it would break his heart to have to listen to them unknowingly reproduce anti-external propaganda.

Every time he thought of telling them, his gut would churn with shame for keeping it hidden this long, shame for what happened with Yunjae. 

It was partly his fault that they didn’t like external users. They hadn’t been this kind of prejudiced towards them before. How could Hoseok explain the way Namjoon made him feel? How could he prove to them that this was legit, absolutely unlike whatever Yunjae had been, that he wasn’t naively and blindly letting himself into this even though at times it felt like he had done exactly that. 

Trusting Namjoon had been a process heavily impacted by getting to know the other and trusting his gut feeling.

The boys wouldn’t understand that.

And regardless of all the doubt and shame eating away at Hoseok from inside, the only thing he never came to regret nor deny himself was Namjoon.

Namjoon was so good, how could Hoseok do anything but trust him?

-

And still, their relationship of course wasn’t absolutely flawless. 

One afternoon, while Jungkook had still been stuck in one of his classes, Hoseok had dared to take Namjoon home.

They were lounging on his bed, Namjoon’s silver hair splayed on Hoseok’s pillow and the boy just knew that his nose would be filled with the other’s scent that night. Giddily he looked forward to it.

“Professor Kim wants me to write a paper about this subject but the sources are all shit. I’m at my wits end. Why even give tasks like this? I mean she studied this, how the fuck does she not know that the research is lacking?”

“Maybe you haven’t found the right literature yet.” Hoseok suggested. “Did you try any other database than the university’s?”

“I did,” Namjoon grumbled, squinting down at his phone. “I tried everything, different keywords, all the combinations, every database. I even scoured the library. By the way the librarian was so surprised to see me actually do work, I think she almost fainted.”

Hoseok lets out an indignant laugh. “She really hates us.”

“We reap what we sow.” Namjoon sighed and Hoseok rolled his eyes. 

“Wise words, Kim.”

Instead of answering Namjoon kept squinting at his phone for another second before throwing it away with an enraged groan. “I give up.” 

Hoseok sighed, moving closer. Slowly he let his fingers wander through the silky silver hair, watching in real time how Namjoon’s tenseness leaked out of his body with every stroke. “What even is the topic?”

“The difference between the average human’s DNA and a magical users’ in the context of how our society perceives them. Problem is that you can’t tackle this subject without also immersing yourself into the whole discourse of ability vs affinity. And most sources regarding that are heavily biased essays and poorly constructed research. It feels like she just wants to gauge my own personal opinion on this before deciding if she’ll fail me or not.”

Hoseok hummed in understanding. The topic was a sensitive one, something that could be constructed in all the wrong ways and haunt Namjoon for the rest of his career.

“She’s an external extremist.” Namjoon murmured. “I know she is. It’s so obvious in the way she presents both sides. I don’t wanna write this.”

“Then don’t.” Hoseok replied. “Let her fail you and retake another course by a different Professor.”

“Don’t wanna mess up my grades for that.”

Hoseok kept stroking Namjoon’s hair. The boy had slowly melted into putty beneath his hands, looking on the verge of sleep. “You’re starting to drool.” Hoseok teased.

“Hmph.” 

Hoseok was so fucking endeared.

“This whole subject is stupid. They just want you to echo their extremist views on internal users being inferior. I’m proof enough that that’s not true.”

Namjoon slowly lifted his head, looking at Hoseok questioningly. His right cheek was red and crumpled from the pillow. “What do you mean?”

Suddenly self conscious, Hoseok looked at the hand resting in his lap rather than the other boy. “If affinities are inferior, undeveloped versions of abilities, then shouldn’t internal users affect me as well? My affinity directs itself towards abilities in every form, shouldn’t the ‘dormant’ version also count?”

Namjoon seemed to think about that for a second before turning onto his back and sitting up. “Not necessarily. I mean, your affinity directs itself towards abilities, towards external magic. Who is to say that it doesn’t have its own limitations? We can’t really know. Magic is still too finicky to properly gauge that.”

“But wasn’t there this one study comparing DNA? That everybody always quotes. Everybody is still discussing facts.” Hoseok interjected.

“If you mean the one I think you’re talking about then yeah, there was but that’s just one. It’s definitely a pioneer in its field but it’s not powerful enough to disprove anything unfortunately. It simply suggested that there are correlations between the making of your DNA and your magical abilities, but that’s literally the point of your DNA? What makes the magical gene different from others? How did it change over time?”

Hoseok’s body pulsed with energy. “I just don’t believe that having an affinity is like this inferior thing to having an ability, that’s it’s a lazy gene or whatever those Professors of yours like to call it.”

“Professor Kim and Professor Choi are very…radical in their views. I think they already got a formal warning from the dean at least once.”

“What do you believe?” Hoseok asked at last, feeling that this was important to know beforehand. Part of him felt ashamed of doing it this late.

“I believe that the research on this topic is absolute shit and heavily biased. There are definitely correlations between what people say but nothing is proven. But I understand you, I also don’t like how people misconstruct scientific data to fit their agenda. And our society’s view on magical science is absolute discriminatory bullshit.”

Hoseok pressed out a huge breath. In a matter of seconds he was firmly seated on Namjoon’s lap, peppering him with kisses.

“What-“ The silver haired boy let out. “Is it the science talk? Did that turn you on- ah! Fucking don’t bite!” Namjoon squealed, fighting Hoseok off. They wrestled for a solid five minutes until Hoseok layed pinned on his bed, arms clasped in Namjoon’s grip and thighs squashed beneath his firm body. 

“I can’t believe genetics is a turn on for you, is there anything else?” Namjoon breathed heavily, flushed from his neck to his cheeks, hair a mess and adorned with a slowly bruising bite mark on his collarbone. 

Hoseok felt so hot with need, he tugged at his arms until Namjoon let him out and grabbed the boy by his collar, dragging him into a searing kiss.

They got themselves so immersed in it that they almost forgot the time. An absolute tragedy, Hoseok mused, that Namjoon had to leave right when it turned this good. 

But they were still figuring things out. They had time. 

-

Generally speaking, Namjoon’s hesitation to touch Hoseok had lessened significantly in the last weeks. He was still careful, still reverent, scared of losing his control and harming him, but over all, he gained a slow building confidence.

Nevertheless, he still had bad days, where turned more clumsy, his magic pulsing heavily beneath his skin and causing him to ache all over. He would always warn Hoseok in advance, always maintain a proper distance on those days, always keep his hands to himself. Hoseok’s heart aches in turn every time he sees Namjoon stumble like a newborn baby duck, his phone slipping out of his grip multiple times a day and his steps a little heavier.

It takes constant reassuring from Hoseok’s side to make Namjoon’s resolve thaw, to make him realize that it’s okay.

“You don’t hurt me.” Hoseok repeats to him, over and over until he feels like it sticks.

But still, Namjoon was human. He had bad days. He was allowed to have bad days and sometimes there was nothing Hoseok could do to ease them.

They were sitting behind the gym, Namjoon’s hands jittery and his head hanging low between his shoulders.

“Maybe if we tried-“ Hoseok suggested but Namjoon was always so quick to shut him down on those days. 

“It’s not worth it.” He would say. “The risk of hurting you isn’t worth it, Hoseok. I have always lived like this. I’m okay. I’d rather do this for ten consecutive days rather than hurt you.”

Hoseok sighed softly. He couldn’t fight Namjoon on this. It was something that gave the boy a sense of safety, something that eased the pressure, at least in his mind.

Nonetheless he would always without fail tell him, “You don’t hurt me.”

“You don’t know that.” Namjoon argued, voice rough. The purple bruising adorning his dragon eyes was clawing at Hoseok’s chest.

He couldn’t endure this. Seeing Namjoon like this was tugging at his heart and in turn the corners of his mouth tugged downwards in an unhappy frown. Namjoon tilted his head at him in a knowing expression.

“I know hurt.” Hoseok said at last, scooting a little nearer but still not closing the distance, especially not after Namjoon flinches in return. “Relax, I won’t touch you.” He reassured.

“You were saying?”

“I know hurt, Namjoon. This isn’t it. I feel- I feel happy when I’m with you.” Namjoon’s face shows something fragile, eyes soft. Hoseok had to fight the urge to hug him. He slid a little closer. This time Namjoon didn’t flinch. 

They sit in silence. It’s pleasant. Hoseok doesn’t feel the need to fill it somehow, doesn’t have the energy to act in a certain way nor the pressure of doing so with Namjoon. It’s always so easy with him.

Eventually, the thoughts in his head start to untangle into proper sentences, something inside of him unties itself, unravels just like that.

“It was Cha Yunjae.”

Namjoon’s head whipped his way.

“The one who took advantage of my affinity.” Hoseok elaborated. “Cha Yunjae. He should be graduating this year. Magical department. Ability is-“

“Ice.” Namjoon interrupts, understanding drawing upon his features. 

“I didn’t realize it at first. I didn’t even question it when it became really unbearable. He could have used literally anything but somehow along the way he had decided that it had to be me. It almost made me sick. I mean, it did make me sick. But it got really bad at one point. What I’m trying to say is, I know hurt, I’d know if it hurt. I know myself better now. You can trust me.”

Namjoon looks at him for a second before abruptly scooting away, widening the distance. The shake of his hands seemed to have worsened. “Fuck-“ 

“Hey, it’s okay. I told you I took care of it.”

“I kinda wanna fuck up his face-“

“I know, but good news, Taehyung already did that.”

Namjoon didn’t respond but his body had tensed up and his head hung low again. “I hope he breaks his arm.”

Hoseok flinched in surprise. “You don’t. I know you’d never wish harm upon someone.”

Namjoon lifted his head again, sending him an incredulous tired look. “I’m not that good of a person, Hoseok.”

“If it’s any consolation, I also hope he breaks his arm. Are we both terrible people now?”

“There is always his neck.” Namjoon threw in. “At least we didn’t say that.”

“True,” Hoseok added. “Our morals are truly impeccable.”

Namjoon forced out a small cackle. Hoseok’s heart bloomed with it.

“I’m sorry that happened to you.” Namjoon eventually says, voice a little calmer. “I genuinely want to make him suffer for it-“

“But I took care of it. He hasn’t approached me ever again. I want to keep it that way.”

Namjoon hummed. “I’m gonna send Taehyung a gift basket to his house.”

Hoseok had snorted before he stilled, eyes wandering worriedly over Namjoon’s figure. “Are you okay, Joon?”

The silver haired boy gave him a dimpled smile. “I like it when you call me that.”

“You haven’t answered my question.” Hoseok interjected, trying to play away the flush creeping up his neck.

“I’m fine. I- do you remember how I told you about my methods of dealing with this? Back when we first talked?”

“I do.” Hoseok replied.

“I want to show you. Will you come with me?”

“Of course.”

Namjoon had brought him to a park then. They had made a little detour to a small market, buying some sunflower seeds and nuts. Hoseok for the life of him couldn’t guess where this was going. 

A part of him expected this to be a distraction from the problem at hand. He wouldn’t be surprised if Namjoon went ‘Surprise! I heal through the power of Mother Nature!’ with no actual relief whatsoever.

Turns out it was all that and a little more.

“Animals experience emotions just like us, though in a way different manner. I don’t necessarily like doing this, but…” Namjoon spoke, stroking the feathers of a bird resting on top of his hand, eating through the seeds laying in his palm. 

Hoseok slowly started to realize. The bird started chirping a couple times, before it flew towards Namjoon’s shoulder and headbutted the boy’s neck. “I feed them a little amount, something they can handle and digest, something that fades after a couple minutes, nothing too overwhelming hopefully.” His voice was hoarse, gaze focused on the bird rubbing its head against him.

A couple more birds started to accumulate towards the external user. Hoseok could even spot two squirrels jumping towards the food resting in Namjoon’s hands. There wasn’t a proper indication on how it hit the animals, but eventually they all started cozying up to Namjoon, hiding in his neck and curling up on his lap.

“Hoseok?” Namjoon whispered. “Say something?”

“You’re literally Snow White.” Hoseok mumbled beneath his breath. Namjoon still heard, if to go by the slowly growing smile, dimples and all. 

Hoseok slowly sat down right next to him, heart so, so full. “I don’t know what to say. This is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Be serious. You’re not freaked out?”

“Why would I be freaked out? Because my boyfriend is a literal princess?”

“Boyfriend?” Namjoon repeated, face warming.

Hoseok’s heart quickened its rhythm, gut clenching for a second before Namjoon leaned forward and gave the other one single peck, right at the corner of his lips. “I really like when you call me that.”

The internal user let out a sigh. “You’re really amazing, Joon. I mean it.” And now that the ice was finally broken, first step taken and shattered by Namjoon himself, Hoseok scooted closer to him, slowly resting his head on top of the other’s shoulder. He quietly watched as a magpie chirped in wonder, head rubbing against Namjoon’s thumb, before he picked a couple more seeds out of his palm.

They had stayed there for a bit. Borders thawing like frost encompassing the first hesitant buds of a flower in wait, a warm spring day in Namjoon’s sphere.

Hoseok was falling fast.

But it was no surprise, was it? How could someone exist in the same vicinity as Kim Namjoon and not fall apart like a brittle house of cards. Hoseok is slowly starting to realize that he never had a chance to begin with. Not with Namjoon being the way he is. And however this thing between them decided to go, Hoseok had never been more sure of the fact that he wanted to be near, he wanted to be around the other, even if it meant going down as collateral damage one day, swooped up in the storm that was haunting them.

Hoseok knew that their relationship was destined to be tested, though he naively decided that he’s willing.

Namjoon was patient with Hoseok, though the other could recognize the desperate glint of impatience resting in his eyes. Still, he never pushed.

His friends on the other hand had started to become more and more interested, gnawing away at Hoseok’s resolve day by day.

So that Friday Hoseok decided that it had to be soon. He was going to pick up Namjoon after his class, waiting close to the building but far enough to not get noticed. They had made plans to go to a cafe, Hoseok was looking forward to it. Especially since Jungkook was visiting his parents over the weekend, so they finally had the apartment to themselves for an entire weekend. His insides clenched with anticipation.

Though minutes passed, the last couple of students mingling around the gate slowly dispersing, and Namjoon was nowhere to be found. Hoseok’s messages didn’t send, his phone seemed to be turned off. Odd.

Uneasiness started to creep up his throat, he felt nauseous all of a sudden.

Namjoon liked to talk, he told himself. He’s probably immersed in some conversation with his Professor and has forgotten the time. His phone was a suffering little device begging to be put out of its misery with how often Namjoon had dropped it, its battery was shabby beyond repair. Hoseok tried not to interpret too much into it.

Though Namjoon was always, always conscious of the days they met up. He never let Hoseok wait for too long, he wouldn’t have forgotten their date like this. But maybe there was a first time for everything

After crossing the one hour mark, Hoseok’s resolve slowly started to strengthen. His mind was made up. 

He stepped forward, slowly moving towards the building entrance, his heartbeat too rapid to calm down. 

He really hated the magical department. 

Hoseok quickly became more aware of the eeriness of it all. The building was almost empty, a couple students sending him curious looks or ignoring him completely. When he finally made it to Namjoon’s classroom, he let out a huge sigh. The door was open, Hoseok peered into the room just to discover no sign of his boyfriend, nor any other student.

On the other hand, Professor Choi sat at his desk, immersed in his papers. The moment he noticed Hoseok, he quickly slapped his laptop shut, eyes wide.

“Uh,” Hoseok tried, voice raspy. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry to bother you, I’m looking for Kim Namjoon? Has he been here today?”

Professor Choi’s expression shifted slightly, face turning blank. “Well, hello to you, too.” He said gruffly, tone annoyed. “What business do you have with Mr. Kim?”

Irritation started to bubble up within Hoseok. He stepped a little closer into the room. “I’m his…friend. We made plans to meet up after class, he’s not responding to his phone. I’m worried that something has come up.”

The Professor slowly lifted himself out of his seat. “Mr. Kim has been here today, yes. Though he must have upset his stomach. He left in the middle of class, over two hours ago. I would have assumed he would’ve told you, seeing as you’re apparently close enough for you to worry about him.”

Hoseok’s grip on the situation gradually grew weaker. The man’s choice of words was odd, his gut churned in uneasiness. 

“Thank you for your help, Professor Choi.” He quickly said, moving to leave but in a matter of seconds the man stepped in front of the door. “Don’t be so quick to leave, I’d like to talk to you, if you’re a friend of Mr. Kim.”

“Me?”

“Yes. I assume this friendship is an old one?”

Hoseok shifted uneasily. “Not really, it’s fairly new.”

Professor Choi’s face shifted. “Is that so? You’re a student here too? What’s your name?”

For a moment Hoseok pondered on giving the man a fake name, but he wasn’t quick enough to come up with anything, so he cleared his throat and answered, “Jung Hoseok.”

“You’re that boy, aren’t you, Mr. Jung? The one helping him haphazardly release his magic into something? He told me about you, you know that?”

“What? Professor, I really need to leave. I don’t have the time unfortunately.” His limbs had started to shiver, his heartbeat kept thundering in his ribcage.

“I simply want to talk. I promise you, I won't take too much of your precious time. Tell me, what’s your magical disposition?”

“I have none.” Hoseok was quick to answer, voice made out of steel though he couldn’t help the quiver sneaking in on the last syllable. 

“Bullshit.” Professor Choi grunted and Hoseok’s inner turmoil stilled like the moment before the ground crumbled beneath your feet, the absolute peak of impending doom. “Somebody with no sense of magic whatsoever wouldn’t have the means to help Mr. Kim, would he?”

Hoseok’s gaze drifted to the doorway that was still being blocked by Professor Choi, then towards the windows that were not a choice. He was in the third floor, he couldn’t survive jumping, but maybe there was a ledge somewhere-

“Answer me!” The man’s voice boomed and Hoseok’s body shook, he stepped back. “What are you?”

“You can’t actually think that you’ll get away with harassing a student like this?” 

“We are simply talking, Mr. Jung. Does the university’s principal know that you’re currently sabotaging our most valuable student? He has become weaker in the last few months and I’ve started to ask myself how that could have been possible. He doesn’t have anywhere to channel it, other than the methods I give him. So color me surprised when he increasingly starts to become sloppy-“

“What does that have to do with me?” Hoseok demanded angrily.

“No, I’ve finally come to understand. He told me he met an acquaintance that helps him relieve the pressure, somebody who can handle his magic without becoming affected by it. Somebody he increasingly has come to meet up with, bolting after class and neglecting our sessions-“

Hoseok couldn’t deny it immediately, too caught off guard by the absurdity of it all. He was currently forced to be in a room with a man interrogating him about his boyfriend’s decreasing academic performance. He felt like he was developing a fever.

“So you must at least have an affinity, if not the ability to suck up his magic like a leech, don’t you? I know scum like you. You get off on sabotaging people out of your league, you’re setting him up for failure.”

“I’d never willingly hurt him.”  Hoseok interjected.

“So I’m right, am I not? You have an affinity?”

Hoseok couldn’t believe he had taken the bait. Before he could answer, he quickly came to a decision, shouldering his way past Professor Choi to grab the door, the side of his body brushing past the other man who in that very same second grabbed his forearm in a rush.

Terror. Blinding, cold terror filled his chest, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t see, he had to leave, he had to leave-

It vanished within a moment. Hoseok inhaled like his life depended on it, hiccuping breaths echoing in the air. He stumbled away and hit the wall.

Professor Choi looked almost scared with how wide his eyes were torn open. “Oh.” He mumbled though Hoseok wasn’t sure, his blood was rushing in his ears. 

Before he could regain his grip, Professor Choi had him pressed against the wall, Hoseok’s forearm tightly clasped within his claws, lifted into the space between them.

The terror was blinding, he felt like he was about to be ripped apart, no place to hide, there was no light left, no escape, he was doomed, he was doomed, he was about to-

“…hear me? You will not tell anyone of today. You’ll keep your distance-“

Hoseok couldn’t breathe, he kept wheezing like a dying animal, kept pushing and eventually he stumbled out of the room, trying to regain his sense of gravity but collapsing against the ground, hitting a wall. There was no time to spare, he had to go, he had to run -

He developed a one track mind, a trashing monster clawing itself out of his skull, tearing at his gut, he had to find a place safe, he had to run away.

He didn’t remember how he made it home, just that he had ran the entire way until he finally made it into the apartment, throwing the door closed and locking himself into his room. It took him quite some time until he finally finally felt like he could breathe easily again. He blinked the blur away and found his room in a state of mess, Hoseok himself cocooned in darkness. After a moment he realized that he was tucked beneath his bed, hiding like a little child underneath the bed frame.

He thinks hours must have passed until he felt ready to peer out of his hiding spot. His room was cast in gold, late afternoon turning into early evening. His backpack was tossed close by, he lifted his hand to reach out to it but quickly stopped once the lingering feeling of his piercing terror flickered awake again. 

He couldn’t- not yet. It wasn’t safe. He wasn’t safe, he felt like he never would be again. His nostrils started burning, his eyes watering with the dust and the pain. Eventually Hoseok fell into full body sobs, body quivering with the echo of it.

It doesn’t take him long to realize that Professor Choi didn’t simply touch him, he had used his magic, he had used his ability, his fear.

“Professor Choi understands me,” Namjoon had told him once. “He has a similar ability, it’s also emotion-based so he knows how it feels.”

“He only wants the best for me, but I don’t always like his methods. He’s very focused on gaining strength.”

“If I’m late again, he’ll actually kill me, I think.”

What had he been thinking, why would he ever dare to enter the magical department? He knew nothing good came from inserting yourself into the life’s of external users, how had he dared to ever hope Namjoon would be different?

How had he allowed himself to fall in love?

“Fuck-“ Hoseok croaked, the balls of his hands pressing tightly into his eyes u til he started to see another dimension. “Fuck!” He cried.

That night Hoseok quietly laid beneath his bed until the early morning hours came, weeping like a little kid.

He didn't come out of his barricade until noon the next day, and only because his stomach had started to ache in hunger, though Hoseok had no appetite whatsoever.

Nevertheless, he bundled himself up in his coziest blanket and shuffled out of his room, immediately hit with a similar sense of panic threatening to brim over. It takes him half an hour until he feels ready to leave his little space.

The weekend passes by in a blur. Hoseok doesn’t turn his phone on until Saturday night and only reads through his messages underneath his comforter, trying to breathe through the tears.

Namjoonie: Hoseok I’m so sorry for standing you up, I must have eaten something wrong in the morning, i spent the day emptying my guts out I thought I texted you but apparently that was a figment of my imagination??

Namjoonie: I’m so sorry baby, I promise you I’ll make it up!! 

Namjoonie: Hoseok?

Namjoonie: I’m genuinely sorry, can you please call me back?

There were a couple more. Multiple missed calls and eventually Hoseok’s phone actually starts to vibrate with an incoming call while he’s holding it. 

He doesn’t have it in him to answer.

Sunday passes with a message from Jungkook that he just came back and is crashing at Jimin and Taehyungs’s place. Somewhere inside of himself Hoseok feels a faint thrum of shame, knowing that the reason he grew more distant with his friends lately is no one but himself. 

Once Monday noon approaches with a throbbing in his temples, Hoseok genuinely feels like absolute shit.

He tries to ignore it, he still feels the lingering feeling of Choi’s fear making him nauseous from within. He doesn’t want to come out of his room.

Until he grants his phone another look, clicking onto the chat with Namjoon just to be hit with multiple new messages.

Namjoonie: Hoseok please give me a sign that you’re fine I’m losing my mind here haha

Namjoonie: You can be mad at me I’m okay as long as ure good

Namjoonie: I’m really sorry but i saw Jimin today and i couldn’t really hold back because uve been gone for days now so i asked him but he also had no idea?

And then the very last one:

Namjoonie: im coming over hoseok i dont care anymore

Hoseok let out a shaky breath.

Hoseok: meet me at our spot in 20?

Namjoonie: Fucking shit, Hoseok

Namjoonie: okay, see u then

He didn’t jump into the shower like he maybe should have. Instead he washed his face and spent a good five minutes in front of the bathroom mirror, gazing at his pale and sickly reflection. It went beyond the lack of blood rushing through his face, he mused. The dullness in his eyes was almost scary. And Hoseok could remember only one instance in his life where he looked exactly like this.

He never thought he’d find himself back here.

He pushed his limbs through a black sweater, lifting the hood over the crazy mess atop his head and quickly left his apartment. Over the course of the last days the tremor that had made his body quiver relentlessly, had lessened somewhat. But Hoseok felt undone, felt like a frayed thread, torn in the worst way possible.

He ignored the pitter patter of rain hitting his figure, ignored the wind biting at him. Once he made it to the gym his knees felt like they were about to give up. 

There he was, sitting at the steps, knees jumping tirelessly while he kneaded the palm of his hand. Once Hoseok stepped closer, Namjoon’s head whipped up, the boy stepping closer in a matter of seconds.

“Hoseok,” Namjoon breathed, like it’s the first one he took in a while. “Are you…” He swallowed dryly, hands flexing and loosening at his sides. “What’s going on?” He eventually murmured, looking like a kicked puppy and Hoseok could feel his heart shatter piece by piece the longer he stared at the other.

He thought he could do this. But as the familiar ache behind his eyes starts building, he’s realizing that he’s not strong enough.

“I’m sorry.” He says, voice hoarse.

Namjoon stilled. “What…for what? God, Hoseok, I’m sorry, I thought you were still mad at me for Friday? You-” He raised his hands towards his hair and tugged at the strands. “What even is going on? Do you have any idea how worried I was? I looked everywhere! God, I even stalked your fucking friends! Nobody knew where you were and on top of that they almost-”

“Namjoon,” Hoseok said, swallowing the tears clogging his throat. Their eyes met and he knew . He knew that Namjoon knew.

“No.” Namjoon interrupts, shaking his head.

“Namjoon, please-”

“Fucking, no, Hoseok, no-”

“I’m sorry-”

“Tell me you’re not actually about to do what I think you’re doing.” 

A moment passed, Hoseok couldn’t get his voice to work. Namjoon quietly watched him, eyes wandering over every inch of his face. Hoseok could immediately spot the moment it dawned on him, his eyes slowly glazing over, jaw twitching. Namjoon took one step closer, one last desperate attempt to break Hoseok’s resolve.

Without intending to, Hoseok flinched back. His heart jumped, remembering the terror but this was Namjoon. Sweet, gentle Namjoon.

The other froze in his spot. Hoseok could see the way his body started to quiver and he knew it wasn’t due to the rain seeping through their clothes, he could recall the symptoms of his ability acting up from a mile away by now. 

“I’m sorry,” Hoseok tried again. “But I can’t do this. I’m not- this isn’t right-” His voice broke.

“What happened?” Namjoon croaked, stumbling a couple steps away. “What-” His breathing quickened and to Hoseok’s surprise Namjoon turned away, rubbing a hand over his chest.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon-”

“You keep saying that!” Namjoon bursts at last, making Hoseok jump. “What fucking for, Hoseok? Are you sorry that you can’t love me back? Sorry for not responding? Sorry for stringing me along knowing very well that you didn’t ever want to come clean?”

“I-” The words didn’t make it out. How was he supposed to tell Namjoon that it’s not like that. He did do all of that. Though the part his mind latched on was the cant love me back , words echoing like a broken record inside of his skull, rattling his heart.

“That’s not true-“ He murmured, but Namjoon’s voice was louder.

“I really dared to hope that it wasn’t like that, I genuinely tried to see it from your side, but-” Namjoon’s breath quivered and within a moment he bent over to regain his composure.

“Namjoon-”

“Don’t touch me!” He yelled. “I can’t, I- I think it’s better if I leave.” And with that he quickly walked off, fingers flexing repeatedly.

Hoseok didn’t move an inch, not when the thunder started, not when the rain had reached his skin, not when another figure stepped closer, standing in front of him at once. 

“Hoseok.” Jungkook mumbled and Hoseok broke, a hiccuping breath leaving him.

The other slowly wrapped him up in his arms. 

“How much did you see?” Hoseok cried.

“I’m sorry for eavesdropping.” Hoseok squeezed Jungkook a little closer. “You’re not mad?”

“I think you’re already going through it. Let’s go home.”

Jungkook takes Hoseok’s hand, squeezing it tightly and the following emptiness rattles Hoseok so much, he has to bite his tongue to not let out the building sob.

Turns out Kim Namjoon had left a big impression on the others.

At some point Hoseok realized that they weren’t going home, they were walking towards Jimin and  Taehyung’s place.

Everything was a blur, but the others didn’t immediately give him shit for the last couple months, so there was that.

It was only once they had splayed out on top of the couch, a freshly showered Hoseok squished in between them that they brought it up.

“I wish you would have told us.” Jimin had said. “Not because I’m nosy, which I honestly am, but simply because I can’t believe you’ve gone through this by yourself and it didn’t cross your mind at any point that you don’t have to be alone.”

“Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t have judged?” Hoseok asked.

“Of course!”

“Jiminie,” Taehyung interrupted, lifting his head from Hoseok’s other shoulder. “We both know that none of us would have approved.”

“For good reason, as you can see.”

Hoseok’s heart throbbed painfully in his chest, his breath hitching.

“Well fucking done, now you made him cry-“

“Can you two please shut up, I didn’t bring him here to make it worse-“

“Hey, Hoseok, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I just hate to see you like this-“

There were hands on him, squeezing and holding. He blinked a couple times, trying to rein himself in. He hadn’t even told them of what happened with Namjoon’s Professor, too anxious about their possible reaction. He thinks that if he were to hear even one remark that made him feel bad, he would actually crumble beyond repair, so he went the safe route and simply kept it in.

Like everything else.

“I should have known,” Jimin chimed in. “In the library, I mean. He was all like ‘Hoseok’ in this insanely deep sexy voice and Hoseok was looking more and more like the protagonist of a shojo manga.”

Hoseok pressed out a laugh that sounded more like a sob than anything else. The others shushed him. 

“He approached us when we were heading to the cafeteria. To be honest, I think that’s when I knew.” Jungkook murmured.

“I suspected then too,” Taehyung added. “He looked like a proper wreck.”

Hoseok’s heart clenched painfully in his chest, he stumbled out of their formation with a thick voice. “ Bathroom .”

They called his name but Hoseok couldn’t turn back, couldn’t look them in the eye. Not after what he had done.

Unfortunately, the world didn’t stop. Hoseok was holding on by a thin thread, going to his classes with his heart in his throat just to zone out for the entirety of it. Then he went home and did it all over again. He kept to himself mostly, had gone as far to hide himself in a sea of oversized hoodies, always taking the very far corner in class, rushing from one place to the other with his hood drawn high.

Some days he couldn’t get himself to go there at all, fear so overwhelming, he felt like he was choking on it. The reminder of it all rendered him unmoving.

The other’s hated seeing him like this, felt confused and angry, he knew. He hated seeing his sadness reflected in their faces, too.

It’s better this way, he told himself in the dead of the night when sleep simply didn’t want to come. I’d only drag him down, we could never have peace, this will only bring hurt.

But none of these words really stick to his skull the way Namjoon’s shattered expression did. None of them console him, nor make him breathe any easier. 

He simply exists. That’s all he can do lately.

Until a week passes, a rainy Thursday approaching, while Hoseok zones out in the middle of class again, just to be brought back by a knock on the door. A second later a tall woman with a tight bun enters the room. “I’m sorry to disturb,” She says in a calm voice. “I’m looking for a Mr. Jung Hoseok?”

His heart drops into his pants. Professor Seo’s eyes wander through the room before they land on Hoseok slowly righting himself. “Yes?”

That’s how he found himself dismissed from class, an entire hour too early. He follows closely behind the woman, Mrs. Nam, he reminded himself.

She had filled him in quickly on their way to the dean’s office. That’s where he was actually being called to. The fucking dean’s office.

He felt his senses get clogged by his rapidly rising anxiety, Professor Choi’s words echoing in the back of his mind. It got progressively harder to keep a clear head, while Hoseok walked through the quiet halls of their department.

Eventually they made it to an open door, the actual office with the dean already waiting at his desk.

Professor Song is a short but sturdy man, clothed in a fitted suit, a pair of glasses framing his eyes. Something about his open expression calmed Hoseok for a faint second, the rush of his blood stilling in his ears.

“Mr. Jung,” He spoke after Mrs. Nam left the room, closing the door behind her. “Thank you for sparing us your time. We emailed you in advance to confirm a time for a meeting but when we didn’t hear back from you we took matters into our own hands. I hope that is okay. I have a couple things I need to discuss with you. Take a seat.” 

Hoseok automatically moved towards one of the open seats, feeling like a doll on a string rather than a person. He felt strangely numb.

“I guess you’re aware about what I called you here for today?”

Hoseok shook his head, stopped to almost move his head in a nod but froze instead.

Professor Song hummed. “I see. I called you here today due to some circumstances regarding Professor Choi, Mr. Jung. You see, we got some reports regarding CCTV footage of our halls, as well as some testimonies of students coming forward to report an incident they bore witness to.”

Hoseok’s heart plummeted from his chest right into his pants, the hair on his arms rising.

“Professor-“

“I would like to ask you about what happened, Mr. Jung, as we’re currently preparing to handle this situation as well as possible.”

Hoseok swallowed dryly, nails biting into his hands. “Who…what did you see?”

Professor Song cleared his throat, leaning a little forward in his seat, hands on the table. “As of right now we have heard from multiple eyewitnesses that last Friday a student, who was not familiar to anyone in the magical department, was seen rushing out of the class Professor Choi had been teaching in an hour prior. When we checked the camera footage of said day, we could evidently see you, Mr. Jung, as you were…leaving. There is footage of you. On top of that we have multiple more reports of student’s complaints.”

“He told me-“ Hoseok choked out, tears clogging his throat. “I only went there to look for a friend, I didn’t- he told me not to tell anyone, his magic- his fear-“

Understanding dawned upon Professor Song’s features. “He used his ability on you?”

Hoseok nodded. “He said he wanted to talk, he found out that I was…acquaintances with Namjoon.”

“Kim Namjoon?” The man asked in surprise. “Mr. Jung, I’d like to ask you a favor. Would you please consider writing us a testimony on what happened that Friday? Furthermore, we as an academic institution would like to formally apologize for what happened.” The man said solemnly. “You see, we had some complaints regarding Professor Choi in the last few years. I won’t bore you with the details, but rest assured to know that as of today we’re going to collect all the reports we have and move forward.”

A mess of words got stuck in Hoseok’s throat. He couldn’t even gather himself before Professor Song continued. “I know this is a lot to ask of you right now, but I need to clarify that we as an academic institution and community do not agree with the notion of treating internal user’s as a lesser entity. We pride ourselves in being a place of tolerance and mutual respect, as one can see from our hybrid system of magical and non-magical fields of study. If we want to make a move against bigotry and hatred, we’ll need proof. We’ll need a written testimony.”

The words echo in Hoseok’s skull, leaving a dull throb in its wake.

“Is that something you could consider?”

Hoseok cleared his throat, nodding belatedly. “Okay,” He said, voice hoarse. “Okay.”

-

Almost three weeks later, a rumor started flowing around. 

Professor Choi had terminated his contract, leaving the university in a matter of a day. Hoseok suspected that he had decided to leave on his own will as soon as he got wind of the investigation, before the university could complete it. He’s not really aware of the details, doesn’t bother learning about them. All he knows is that the man who had turned into fodder for his nightmares is now gone. 

He wished that it would end there. 

Unfortunately, the follow up rumor to the first one was this: Professor Choi had been caught harassing a non magical student. 

The details were blurry, nothing concrete to say other than ‘Choi allegedly had used his ability and terrorized a human’.

To Hoseok’s relief, the rumor wasn’t the only one. There were a dozen or so coming up with multiple reasons as to why the man had abruptly left his post. Some of them more true than the others.

The worst of it all happened on another Friday noon, when Hoseok had fought himself into actually going to his classes, just to be greeted with multiple eyes being set his way as he passed the magical department, wandering to his own.

It hadn’t taken long for some in his class to add two and two together. How come a simple human, who got repeatedly seen moving around the magical department, who got repeatedly seen hanging around Kim Namjoon, the boy who got one on one study sessions with Professor Choi, had been moved out of class the other day, called in by the dean?

That day Hoseok had known that they all at least suspected him. Word got around from the people in his class, it moved to the people spotting him close to the building, went over to the people who saw him in the library, finally landed in the hands of the ones who probably had been the eyewitnesses.

He’d been walking down the hall when someone he thinks he knows by eye had asked him in person, actually asked him about the rumor. He had felt so overcome with anxiety, he had moved to hide at the only spot he could think of.

Behind the gym, right next to the stairs, Hoseok was crouching, head fallen between his legs, gasping desperately. He was trying to suck up enough air, ignoring the tears running down his face, right onto his lips.

Things haven't been that great lately. Not at all. Hoseok has genuinely tried his hardest to make due, to keep going, but this, this was the final straw. Everything is closing in on him at once.

He really misses Namjoon right this second. He misses him all the time, if he’s going to be honest. He’s not subtle about it, even if he tries. How could he be subtle when the longing feels so enormous, anyway. His friends knew that he wasn’t okay, they had stopped bringing Namjoon up at all after the last time Hoseok had broken down at the sole reminder.

Worst of all had to be the fact that he doesn’t deserve to miss Namjoon. It’s his fault they’re like this. Hoseok has tried for weeks to convince himself that he did the right thing, night after night after night he talked himself into accepting this default sadness that had anchored itself into his bones. 

But right this second he’s reminded again.

He really fucking misses Namjoon.

The thought makes him sob a little harder, hands pressed to his mouth to keep quiet, ignoring the insistent vibration of his phone in his pocket. He can’t bring himself to see who it is. He should be going home, can’t go to class like this, but the weather had turned harsher lately, making him feel like he was stuck right where he crouched, frozen to the spot. The first couple drops start falling from the sky.

The sound of rushed steps brings him back to the moment, his phone stops vibrating.

He quickly wipes his face and moves to stand up, when he lifts his head to see the familiar sight of a silver haired boy standing there, chest heaving.

Hoseok drops his backpack.

None of them move and Hoseok is again reminded of the fact that this is them now. Distant memories from fallen borders slowly start forming, leaving an ache in his chest. His eyes glaze over again, his breath hitching and it’s as if that must be enough to break both of them out of their stupor, Namjoon stepping closer until they stand toe to toe.

He lifts a hand to Hoseok’s face. “Is this okay?”

Hoseok can’t help but look at him in wonder before nodding. “Please-“

Namjoon’s palms find his neck at once, moving up to the sides of his face, thumbing beneath his eyes to wipe the tears away. Hoseok feels himself warm up, ice melting off his limbs. It’s love, it’s so much love and it’s his, not Namjoon’s.

The other knocks their foreheads together and Hoseok takes in a shaky breath, closing his eyes.

“It’s okay,” Namjoon says. “It’s okay, you’re okay. I got you.”

Eventually Hoseok lifts his head, dizzy from the magic but still tired beyond belief. Namjoon gently strokes at his features with the tips of his fingers, his knuckles. Hoseok meets his gaze just to be hit with tears in return, an unbelievably sad expression.

Something starts boiling from within, something Hoseok had been thinking of for a while. Something he regretted not having said.

“Namjoon,” he breathes, voice hoarse. He watches as the other’s stiff shoulders start loosening up, something melting off him. 

“It’s okay.” Namjoon interrupts. Hoseok doesn’t let it deter him, shaking his head. 

“It’s not.” He says with a teary voice. “I’ve been so fucking selfish with you, I let myself be that way. I just- I’m sorry, okay? I hate that I brought nothing but pain to the both of us and I hate keeping you from your future and leeching off-.”

“Hoseok-“

“No, I’m sorry-“ Hoseok croaks. “I just let myself take and take. But most of all I’m sorry that I ever even for a second made you believe that I don’t love you back, that I don’t love you like it drives me insane.”

Namjoon crashes their lips together, making Hoseok stumble a step backwards. His hands find the other’s shirt, fingers tightening to drag him closer as he kisses him back.

It’s when Namjoon’s lips lock around his, his tongue grazing Hoseok’s, that the boy starts feeling more than just their magic mingling, reacting to each other.

He feels the love, but this time it was already brewing within himself, ebbing out of him in waves that he’s sure Namjoon must be feeling in return. 

“You love me?” He asks after leaning back, breathing hard. “You’ll stay?”

Hoseok clings to him closer. “I love you. I’ll stay. Will you bring me home?”

Namjoon leans back in, kissing him gently. 

There is more to say. Hoseok has so much more to say. Namjoon seems to know, but he doesn’t rush them. Instead he interlocks their fingers and drags Hoseok to his bicycle. The rain has noticeably slowed down, so Hoseok takes a seat at the back, wrapping his arms tightly around Namjoon’s middle as the other pedals them towards Namjoon’s home. It didn’t matter where they went anymore, there was no secret to keep. Hoseok was tired of them.

Once they arrive it becomes very clear very quickly that they can't keep their hands off of each other. Namjoon had ushered Hoseok into his bathroom to take a hot shower and warm up but the internal user didn’t stop clinging to the other’s figure. That’s how they found themselves behind the curtain of Namjoon’s small tub, bodies pressed tightly beneath the warm water.

Hoseok’s skin tingled. His breath came short. Namjoon’s fingers worked him loose and pliant and then worked him open. It was only once he was firmly seated in the other’s lap, breathing through the stretch, head hung low as his forehead rested against the boy’s shoulder, that he let himself go again. He didn’t cry out, instead he pressed his lips against the wet skin of Namjoon’s shoulder, arms circling his neck as he hid and wept.

Namjoon’s arms held him tight around the waist. His knees felt a little raw from where they chafed against the hard surface of the tub in response to his hips moving in small circles. Namjoon’s hands wandered up and up and up until they tangled into his hair, bringing him out of his hiding spot to kiss him deeply.

Eventually they made it to Namjoon’s bedroom. The boy had wrapped Hoseok into the biggest towel he had, sitting him down on his bed while he rummaged in his closet for a blow dryer. Once he found it he stepped back in front of Hoseok with nothing but a towel wrapped around his hips, working his fingers through Hoseok’s hair as the hot air blew over his head and shoulders. 

It was a testament to how burnt out Hoseok was feeling that he didn’t have it in him to fight the other even once about it all. Not even when Namjoon helped him into a pair of boxers and a shirt. Not once he told him to wait while he prepared his room, blinds low and a small color changing night lamp on. Namjoon set it on a warm hue before he left it at his nightstand, dragging Hoseok beneath the covers and into his arms as he let the tips of his fingers graze the boy’s back.

Hoseok had been feeling the effect of Namjoon’s magic non stop ever since they touched behind the gym, but right here, in the small quiet bedroom, laying closely pressed against Namjoon’s chest, it gained a different quality.

He felt himself ease into a state of calm, a little blissed out. He probably started drooling at some point.

“Can I ask you something?” Namjoon asks. Hoseok hums in response. “Will you tell me what happened? All of it?”

Hoseok worked his eyes open, they felt sticky with tears but nonetheless he wanted to be completely aware for this. “Everything?” He murmured. Namjoon’s chest rumbled as he hummed in confirmation.

So Hoseok started retelling things in a low voice, starting from that day he wandered into the magical department to look for Namjoon, how he had encountered Professor Choi instead, what the man had told him. He tells him about what the dean told him and what he assumes happened. He tells him about how probably everyone knows now, or at least suspects it, his friends included.

“Does that bother you?” Namjoon asks carefully.

“They know that I love you.” Hoseok answers honestly. “I haven’t told them about Choi. I’ve told no one.”

“But why?” Namjoon’s hold tightens for a brief second, he knows the agitation is not directed towards him but rather at the situation itself.

“I don’t- I don’t know.” Hoseok says, voice thin. “I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to forget.”

“It’s okay.” Namjoon says quickly. “Hoseok, I don’t blame you. I’d never blame you, I’m only trying to understand. I’m trying to figure out why you pushed me away that day, I only ever wanted to be there for you. I hate to think that you did it all on your own.”

Shame built up within Hoseok’s gut, slowly flowing over. “I didn’t wanna be selfish anymore. You deserve better than selfish, you deserve someone good, not someone who’s- who keeps clinging on to you-“

“You’re not selfish, Hoseok. You’re good, you’re so fucking good. I don’t want anybody else, do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you-“ Hoseok looks up to meet Namjoon’s eyes, finding them wet and so indescribably sad. “Whatever that piece of shit said was wrong , I’ve never felt as happy as I do when we’re together, you and me both know it’s not our magic, this isn’t simply our magic anymore-“

“I tried-“ Hoseok’s voice wobbles. “I tried to let you go. I really tried to not be selfish, but I can’t do it, I really love you. I’m sorry for keeping you a secret. You deserve better than that, you deserve someone who’ll show you off-“

“We still have time to do that.” Namjoon interrupts, eyes firmly set on Hoseok’s, holding the boy’s gaze with determination. “Just be fucking selfish, Hoseok. I’ll be the same. I can’t be any other way if it’s you, if it’s us.”

Hoseok inhales shakily before nodding, squishing his face back into Namjoon’s neck and relishing in the gentle touch of Namjoon’s fingertips wandering over his back.

“I want you to meet my friends.” Hoseok murmurs at last. 

“Yeah?”

“Hm. They already know of us. They’ll probably be a little standoffish at first. I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. Yoongi and Seokjin will probably be a little suspicious about you guys, too.”

Hoseok hums. “I really hope they can come together.”

“Me too.” Namjoon sighs. 

Hoseok’s hand splays itself on Namjoon’s ribs, moving to where the other's heart beats in a calm rhythm. “I’m sorry.” He whispers again.

Namjoon presses a kiss against his forehead, breathing him in. “Stop apologizing already. I’m sorry, too.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Think of it like this,” Namjoon suggests. “Nothing else really matters right now, does it? Not when I get to hold you again.”

“You’re really a sap.” Hoseok answers, his heart feeling so incredibly soft.

“I don’t know what else to be. You’re my person, Hoseok. You’re my heart.”

Hoseok lifts his head again, eyes meeting Namjoon’s when he whispers back, “You’re my love.”