Chapter Text
As he filed into the room with the glass wall down the center and took his place in one of the booths Buck wondered how it had ever come to this. How many wrong turns in life had they taken for this to be their reality. Staring at his sister through the glass as she lifted the phone to her ear, he could only think that she looked only partially present. Like a ghost, caught midway between worlds.
He picked up the phone on his side and tried to smile, at least with the part of his face that still could. “Hey, Mads…long time, no see.”
Maddie smiled mistily at him as she answered, “I know. I’ve been so busy lately. Jee-Yun has outgrown all her clothes again. You wouldn’t believe how big she’s gotten. Howie says that she’s obviously going to be a giant like her Uncle Buck.”
Determinedly forcing his thoughts away from the past, Buck tried to sound happy as he talked with Maddie. Happiness was such an alien concept to him now…how long had it been since he had really been happy?
“Yeah, I bet she’s growing like a weed. What else have you been up to? Last time we talked you were going to try to learn to paint. How’s that going?” Desperately reaching for a cheerful tone, struggling to stay present himself.
“Oh, you know. Painting didn’t go so well. Jee decided to help me and fingerpainted the living room walls. We had to get contractors in to replaster it. Howie says I can only take up hobbies Jee-Yun has no interest in…which is hard because she’s such a curious little girl. Just like you were as a kid. I couldn’t keep you out of anything when you were her age. One time…”
Buck let the gentle words and half-forgotten memories wash over him for the next twenty-four minutes, until the guards called time. Sadly he interrupted Maddie’s flowing chatter.
“OK Mads, I’m sorry I was such a scamp…but I’m so glad you never gave up on me.”
“Oh Buck, I never would. I never will. I’ll see you again soon, so take care of yourself. Be smart and stay out of trouble.” Maddie’s lips trembled a bit as she hung up the phone on her side of the glass. Blowing him a kiss she got up and left the room, looking back at him once over her shoulder as she passed through the door.
Buck sat for a moment in his booth, until one of the guards approached him indicating it was time to go. Obediently he rose, grabbed his cane, and followed the man out the door and through the checkpoints, eventually emerging into the late fall sunshine and boarding the bus back to the car park.
As he drove back towards Los Angeles, Buck let his thoughts roam back through the past few years. When did it happen? At what point was the end inevitable. Was it when Chim caught up to Maddie in Boston, surprising her and throwing her into a flashback so intense she responded with deadly force? Maybe when Chim decided to pack up Jee-Yun and head cross-country, following a woman who didn’t want to be found? Or maybe earlier, when Maddie decided to run away from her family to save them from herself.
Sighing as he pulled into the parking lot at his next stop, he dragged his thoughts back to the present day. Grabbing the flowers and the small toy fire engine from the passenger seat, Buck left the vehicle and walked along a shady path until he reached his destination. Taking a seat, he laid his offerings on the ground in front of the stone. Leaning forward he brushed a couple of fallen leaves off the top as he read the inscription. Howard Han friend, brother, son, father. Jee-Yun Han beloved daughter. The birthdates and the single date that marked their deaths.
“Hey, Chimney…” he began, his words trailing off into nothingness as he sat on the grass. Buck never knew exactly what to say when he was here. The people Chimney had known had drifted out of Buck’s life as it circled the drain, and poor little Jee-Yun had never had the chance to really know anybody but her parents.
“The weather’s been a little nippy lately,” he tried again. “It’s almost Halloween. Makes me think of all the crazy calls we would get this time of year. Remember the lady who tried to hot glue her fairy wings onto the roof of her car and …” Crazy calls, spotty memories, stilted conversations with a chunk of granite in a cemetery in October. His day bookended by visits to places of different sorts of death…the Correctional Institute and the Memorial Gardens. Holding on to the remnants of the happy, slightly dysfunctional family he had cherished.
“You shouldn’t keep doing this to yourself.” Buck froze mid-remembrance, then slowly turned to look behind him at another of his ghosts.
“Chris…I haven’t seen you in a long time. What are you doing here?” Buck started to panic, thinking of the reasons Christopher Diaz might be in a cemetery. “Has something happened? Your dad? Abuela?”
“No, no. I have a friend who’s hurting. Who’s hurting himself, and I’m here to try to help him.” Christopher’s voice was deeper than he remembered. His shadow broader, the heavy wooden cane replacing the arm crutches Buck remembered. “Come on Buck. It’s time to come home.”
“Your dad wouldn’t like your being here, Chris. You need to just forget me. Everyone else has moved on. You should too.” Buck stayed on the cold ground, his shoulders slumping…head bowed.
Chris gave him a shadow of his cheerful grin. “You want to know what the best part of being eighteen is? It means I don’t have to do what my dad says, especially when he’s wrong.”
Has it really been that long? Eight years? Where did they go? Buck’s thoughts spiraled out, down through the years. Maddie leaving, Chim following…after the punch that saw Buck disabled out of the LAFD when a simple knock to the head caused the fractured zygomatic bone to give way…damaging Buck’s vision and his brain. Years of speech therapy, physical therapy…friends coming by less and less often.
Bobby and Athena retired and moved down to Big Sur. Hen and Karen moved to Texas when Karen was offered an opportunity with NASA. Eddie…Eddie just moved on. Stayed in the same little house, but made it clear that Buck wasn’t needed. Kept Chris away from him. Instability runs in families you know. If Maddie could do that, what might Buck do?
“Your dad just wants to keep you safe Chris. And he wasn’t wrong. I’m a mess, and I’ll never be any better.”
“Nope, not listening. Now move your ass, Buckley. I’m not going to drag you up off the ground.” Chris clapped his hands for emphasis as he waited impatiently at the edge of the path.
Slowly Buck pulled his legs under him pushing, first to his knees and then all the way to his feet with the help of his cane. He stood for a moment, waiting for his legs to steady beneath him. Chris was watching him steadily, and Buck wondered for a moment what he saw. Was it the tall, strong hero of his childhood…his best friend and partner in crime? Or was it the broken man he was today…mouth drooping on one side opposite the empty eye socket covered by a simple black patch. Wobbling and lame on one side, a trembling leg and a hand that struggled to hold on to the things it managed to grasp. And all of that after hours and hours of physical therapy. What did Chris actually see?
“Come on then,” Christopher’s gaze never wavered, his smile a bit gentler but completely free of the pity and discomfort Buck had become used to seeing directed his way. “We’re going to that diner up on Grant Street. The one with the blueberry pancakes you love.
Slowly Buck stepped back onto the path, quietly following Chris to the exit. He had always been willing to follow Chris anywhere. That, at least, hadn’t changed.
Collapsing into the booth at the diner, Buck was thankful they hadn’t had to wait for a table. The amount of walking he had done today was really more than his legs could safely manage. He supposed he should be grateful he hadn’t landed in a heap when he got out of his car in the parking lot.
Chris slid into the booth opposite him and smiled at the hovering waitress. Waving off the need for menus, he placed his order and looked across the table to Buck.
Buck thought frantically for something he could eat in public. As he floundered around in his thoughts “can’t cut pancakes, can’t keep oatmeal from dribbling, can’t butter a biscuit…there’s a REASON I always eat alone now dammit!” Chris must have realized he wasn’t going to answer.
“He’ll have two scrambled eggs, two pieces of crisp bacon, and three silver dollar blueberry pancakes.”
Well…he might actually be able to manage at least a few bites of egg. And he could just put the pancakes in his mouth without cutting them up. And he’d figure out the bacon.
The waitress took his order from Chris, looking over at Buck in pity. He had long since gotten used to those looks, but he flushed just the same to be looked at that way in front of someone who had once looked up to him.
Once Buck would have immediately begun talking, both to distract from the awkwardness of the moment and because he genuinely loved Christopher and was interested in what he’d been up to in the past…eight…years. Now he just sat quietly, too tired to try to control his drooping mouth enough to speak clearly.
“So Buck, I was thinking…we should make this a thing…get dinner together once or twice a week. Or breakfast for dinner anyway…”
Bless his heart! Chris was determined to reconnect with him. Unfortunately, Buck could think of way too many ways that could blow up…and while Buck had become accustomed to having his life go “Boom” he didn’t want Chris to get caught in any fallout.
“Chris, buddy, I love that you remember me, but sometimes the past just needs to stay past. You mean the world to me and I don’t want to see you hurt if, no…WHEN your dad finds out I didn’t stay away.” Remembering that conversation brought up the familiar ache in his heart.
“Buck, there’s information you don’t have. About Dad, and you, and that whole…” Chris waved his hands around angrily, “situation.”
Buck remembered a man who couldn’t look at him as he told him to stay away from his family. He remembered the constantly cleared throat and the way he rocked back and forth as he hammered nails into their friendship and Buck’s heart at the same time.
“Your dad made everything pretty clear actually.” Buck said sadly as the waitress slid their plates in front of them. He carefully closed his shaking fingers around the handle of his fork and tried to bring a bite of egg to his mouth. He got it safely inside and began to chew carefully, holding his hand in front of his mouth in case any bits of egg tried to make an escape.
Chris poured way too much syrup over his pancakes and then put the jug down on the table with a little ‘thump’. “So, how much do you know about the law and PTSD?”
Buck blinked in surprise and thought a moment. “Not much really. I know it can be a minimal defense in certain limited situations, but that’s about it. I know that in…Maddie’s case…they took it into account. It’s why she is where she is instead of on death row…that’s about the extent of my knowledge.” Buck’s hand was shaking more and more, making the fork wobble unsteadily as he tried to spear a pancake. Finally he set the fork down before he stabbed himself with it. Reaching across with his other hand he grabbed a pancake and stuffed it in his mouth quickly, like if he was fast enough no one would notice.
Chris gave him a little eyebrow wiggle, but didn’t say anything, taking a few bites of his own food. “So, here’s the thing. When Gramma heard about what Maddie had done, and that the court had accepted PTSD as a mitigating factor she got one of her nephews who’s a lawyer in Texas to give her an opinion on her chances of getting custody of me if she brought in Dad’s PTSD and your connection with Maddie…mental health issues in the family…the … um…odd behavior of your parents. Anway, he said she stood a good chance of getting at least joint custody if she sued in Texas.”
“Surely even Texas wouldn’t take a child away from its father on those grounds! They’d have to get up and prove SOME sort of neglect or abuse or…something, wouldn’t they? And surely your grandparents wouldn’t have gone that far…” Buck trailed off uncertainly. Honestly, he could totally see Eddie’s mother at least trying it on.
“Dad wasn’t prepared to take a chance. Somehow Gramma had gotten evidence of the street fighting, and combined with everything else Dad thought she could sell it to the courts. Especially since her family knows three of the sitting judges in Family Court in El Paso. I’m not saying they would have been corrupt for a friend, ‘cause I really don’t know. But she was sure they’d come down on her side, and with everything else…well, Dad panicked. He started having flashbacks and nightmares again, panic attacks and things. And you, well, …” Chris trailed off, obviously not wanting to hurt Buck with the reminder of that time in his life.
“And instead of being right by his side to throw his ass into therapy and find him a land shark lawyer, instead of having his back like I promised I was in rehab learning how to open and close my hand again. Just another source of stress…” Buck sat and stared dejectedly at his plate. Suddenly that pancake sat like lead in his belly.
Chris leaned forward across the table and stabbed his fork emphatically in Buck’s direction. “Oh Hell no! You are not blaming yourself for the results of Howard Han’s poor choices and lack of control. You didn’t ask Han to sucker punch you in the face. You didn’t realize your zygomatic bone was actually fractured. You had no reason to think a chunk of ceiling giving you a glancing blow would cause your ENTIRE FACE to give way. And none of us realized the threat of stroke following the bone shards entering your brain!” Chris took a steadying breath before continuing. “And you didn’t ask your best friend to basically divorce you.”
The air rushed out of Buck’s lungs, leaving him breathless and trying desperately not to cry. Crying with an empty eye socket was a nightmare…everything drained through the nasal passage. “I should never have kept that secret…it didn’t even mean anything, but I promised Maddie…”
“There is no reason ANYONE should have judged you for keeping a promise to your sister. The fact that people did is just…MESSED UP! “ At this point Chris was trying hard to keep his voice down while still emphasizing his points. “Dad was flailing, and his mental health was crashing out. He pushed you out of our lives and proposed to Ana to give me a ‘mother’. And to get HIS mother off his back. Fortunately, Ana is a decent enough person even if she is a little ableist. After multiple flashbacks and panic attacks, she sectioned him, and stuck around to keep me at home until Dad got out. Then she walked away. The last thing she told him was to reach back out to you.”
“Obviously that never happened.” Buck didn’t have the energy to sound anything but tired. He’d never felt more defeated in his life, and considering what he’d lived through that was really saying something. “I’m just saying, that’s been a few years now, hasn’t it? If Eddie wanted to reconnect with me he would have long since done it.”
Chris took another bite of his pancakes, and Buck took a moment to admire the fine motor control that kept the syrup from dripping into his lap. It had been a long time since he’d had syrup on his pancakes. The bell over the door rang to announce another customer as Chris finished chewing and took a drink of his coffee…(Holy crap! Chris was old enough to drink coffee!)
“It’s only been a couple of years since Dad got straightened out. He and Ana were together for about four years all told, and then Dad was in the hospital for almost six months. Then outpatient therapy. He still goes to appointments once a week. Ana left about two years ago.” Chris paused to take a breath. “He’s ashamed Buck. HE abandoned YOU, not the other way around. You needed him. You were struggling with medical appointments, physical therapy, occupational therapy, … you hadn’t even made it to speech therapy yet. You needed him, and he threw you out of our lives because he was afraid. As far as he’s concerned there’s no forgiveness to be had. He certainly can’t forgive himself.”
“YOU are the victim here. Of Han, of Bobby and Hen, of Dad. None of this was your fault. But I refuse to lose you again. I’m all grown up and the rest of them can just…just…go to HELL!” Chris’ utterly indignant huff just barely missed being a ‘so there’ and Buck smiled ruefully.
“Chris, not to diss your vast eighteen years of life experience here. But I’m not sure ‘all grown up’ applies. Don’t you have college to get through before you embark on your great life adventure?”
An altercation over near the register was starting to get loud enough to draw the attention of the diners…all four of them. He and Chris in the booth at the front of the diner and two people at the counter further down all looked over to see what the fuss was about…just in time to see the man standing there pull out a gun. It was shaking around as his hand trembled, either scared spitless or high as a kite…or maybe jonesing for a high. Buck slowly started to ease out of the booth, a first responder’s instincts still in play even if his body couldn’t cash the check anymore.
He had just gotten clear of the booth when the gunman noticed him. Buck saw the gun swing in their direction and only one thought crashed through his brain. “Not Chris!” With a deep resolve Buck forced his body to move at speed. He didn’t need to go far, just enough to get between Chris and the gun. He threw himself forward as his leg collapsed stretching out just as he heard the weapon discharge.
At first, he thought the man had missed him entirely, and he panicked at the thought of the bullet going past him and into Chris. “Not Chris!” But no, Chris was here, leaning over him with his mouth moving frantically. Chris reached down and put his hands over Buck’s chest with all his weight behind them. Pain suddenly crashed over Buck as the world came rushing back. The bell ringing as it fell to the floor with the force of the gunman’s frantic exit. The sound of Chris’s voice begging him to hold on. That help was coming. The cold of the floor beneath him that seemed to be seeping into his body and spreading rapidly.
Awkwardly he reached up his hand and cupped Chris’s face. In a reverse of another weighty moment between them a lifetime ago he smiled and said, “You’re gonna be okay kid.”
Then he fell into the dark with a sigh of acceptance.