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The first time Zuko is asked whom he likes, he shrugs and says no one.
The second time, he scowls and tells Azula to shut up, for her to raise her hands in a placating gesture he doesn’t buy and claim she was “just asking”.
The third time, when mother laughs and promises she won't make fun of him, he answers Mai. Mai who smiles at him, the small, almost non-existent smile he has learned is her norm, and who likes to get away from Azula when she can and spend time with him — which surprises him a little, but then again, who wouldn't want to get away from Azula? It feels right. He sticks to that answer.
The night of his date with Jin, Zuko lets his mind wander to the subject of courting for longer than a few seconds for the first time in years. Sometimes while at sea, when he caught bits of Uncle's anecdotes or the crew's ribbing, he would scoff to himself, and be baffled by how much people cared about inane things. Now, he slumps back in bed, gaze blankly following the lines in the wood paneling on the ceiling. He always wrote off his apathy towards such relationships as a product of his situation, something that will change once he has more stability and leisure, because that's the way it's meant to be.
Find the Avatar. Reclaim your honour. Reclaim your place in the Fire Nation. Ascend the throne, have a consort. A lover. That's how it's meant to be. He just didn’t have time to think about finding a lover because he had other things to worry about.
Then why, even now, when he has had a chance to be normal for once, does he feel so disconnected from everything? Why does it feel like a chore to convince himself to enjoy a girl’s company? Surely it’s not this way for others, because he has heard his crew recount their tales like it’s something fun, like it’s easy . Is it simply because he is in the wrong situation, is not ready? But he did try to be normal tonight. He liked Jin. He liked her kindness and that she was so ready to forgive his missteps.
Not for the first time, his laundry list of future achievements feels all wrong. He has not accomplished a single thing, and he is not any closer to it than he was at thirteen.
Now, with weariness fogging his mind, he allows himself to wonder if that life is not meant for him at all. Supposing he never captures the Avatar, never goes back home, has to live the rest of life as the banished Prince, miserable and without a family of his own — what then?
But no. He can’t afford to think this way. He’s just tired. Zuko pushes back his hair and huffs. Well, at least now he knows that he won’t be looking for a partner anytime soon.
"Why are you on our side now?" Suki asks him bluntly a few days after the prison break as they experimentally spar to compare their fighting styles.
"I—" Zuko steps back, caught off guard at the question.
"Not that I'm complaining," she adds, pausing and looking squarely at him before aiming a roundhouse kick he dodges. "Just — what made you change your mind? I've been meaning to ask you but didn't get a chance to, with everything that's been going on." She nods in the general direction of the campsite.
"Yeah," Zuko says awkwardly, blocking another strike. Azula's attack on the Temple and Zuko and Katara's field trip did make it hard to talk in the last few days, he imagines. "I— well, when I was exiled I travelled a lot, and I saw what the Fire Nation was doing to people, and — and I realised that we are in the wrong."
Suki parries and looks at him thoughtfully. "That's it?"
"Yeah, I mean …" Zuko knows she expects a better explanation but he's not sure how to tell her. "At first I really believed the war was the Fire Nation sharing our prosperity with the rest of the world, but—"
"Is that what they teach you?" Suki laughs bitterly. "Well, I'm glad you saw sense. I just want the war to end and my people to be liberated, and anyone who helps with that is welcome as far as I'm concerned. Although —" in a flash, she kicks, and Zuko is knocked clean off his feet and onto his back before he knows what's happening. "— I would have quite liked to get back at you for burning down my village."
Zuko can only say "Ouf!" as Suki extends a hand towards him with a radiant smile. Lying on his back and gaping at Suki, the brilliant sun hitting her sweat-sheened face, Zuko realises that he made the mistake of taking her tolerance of him for granted. He assumed he had won her forgiveness by breaking her out of prison, but she could easily have borne a grudge against him still. And she would have been right to. He should be thanking the spirits that he didn’t have to face her wrath on top of Katara’s.
"Uh," he mumbles, accepting her proffered hand and pulling himself up, "I really am sorry. About your village. Can I make it up to you?"
"Help me rebuild it when we get out of this mess," Suki suggests, and her tone is nonchalant, but something about it makes him newly appreciate the fact that any of these people could have killed him at any point in the past, and that he is extremely lucky to be here with them now.
*
When the novelty of his new life has faded, foraging for food has become more of a chore than a hazardous quest, washing his own clothes has become as natural as practising firebending, and light-hearted banter has become more commonplace than awkward silences, Zuko tells Sokka about the origin of his scar.
It's nothing momentous. They are out fishing alone, and something about Sokka makes him lower his guard — perhaps their proximity in age, or perhaps the fact that their friendship is familiar enough to ease him into talking yet new enough that it feels like a clean slate, a chance to create something new, to say things he could never say to anyone who knew him before .
And perhaps Sokka feels the same way, because he is candid too. The conversation turns from the time Zuko tried to fish with miserable results to fishing in the South Pole, to Sokka learning to fish from his father, then to his father leaving. The subject of fathers comes up just like that when Zuko asks, "You really look up to him, don't you?" and Sokka answers, eyes fixed on his fishing rod, "I'm grateful for him, you know … the more people I meet, the more I feel like parents rarely do their job right even if they try."
"Yeah …"
"I mean Toph's parents loved her, look what they did to her."
Zuko doesn't know what Toph's parents have done, but wanting to contribute to the conversation, he nods and says, "And sometimes fathers straight up don't care."
Sokka looks at him now. "You … it was that bad, huh?"
"I guess, yeah. I was thirteen when he gave me this," Zuko points to his left eye, "that's way worse than normal, right?"
Sokka blinks at him for a long moment before choking out a strangled "What…?"
"Sokka," Zuko warns, nodding towards Sokka's fishing rod that's trembling with his hands.
"Never mind that," Sokka squeaks, wildly waving one hand. "I — you — he — your dad did that ? On purpose ? What? Why?"
"He challenged me to a duel," Zuko mumbles, caught just a little off guard by Sokka's reaction but not much. He knows that what his father did was wrong, after all. He can guess how it sounds to Sokka who is not acquainted with the complexity of Zuko's family firsthand, even if he has been a victim of the Fire Lord's cruelty too. Zuko lowers his voice as if that can somehow protect Sokka from the knowledge of why Zuko had his face disfigured at thirteen. "I — I was disrespectful. I spoke out of turn at a war meeting. He said it was to teach me respect."
Sokka is silent at first but Zuko can almost see a major freakout building up in the look on his face. "Your father," he says slowly, " fought you when you were thirteen because you spoke without being spoken to. And he …" It's not a question but he's looking at Zuko as if he's hoping he will somehow contradict this absurd statement.
Zuko does, but perhaps not in the way Sokka was hoping. "Not quite. He didn't fight me, that is. I … refused to duel him. He — he said it was dishonourable so he —"
"He's one to talk about honour," Sokka exclaims slightly hysterically, voice rising in pitch. "I — the FUCK, dude? I always knew the guy was evil, but … man, Toph was right about you."
"What was Toph right about?" Zuko asks, his interest piqued.
"She once said that with how your family is, it's surprising you didn't turn out worse, or something like that."
"... You still think I could have been worse?"
"It's not a compliment," Sokka says drily. "But yes, considering your dad is like THAT."
"It's because of my uncle that I didn't turn out worse, really," Zuko mutters.
Sokka hums in acknowledgement, then lowers the abandoned fishing rod, reaching out to cover Zuko's hand. "I, uh — just —"
"Yeah," Zuko answers hoarsely, not sure what he's agreeing to, and squeezes his friend's hand back.
*
“It feels weird to go out and have fun once in a while,” Sokka comments, stretching his legs out on the front steps. “Good weird, even if the play … was like that.”
“Yeah,” Zuko agrees. This is hardly the time for fun, but he will admit that it is nice to stop worrying and just appreciate the company of his friends occasionally. He doesn’t know what will happen after Sozin’s Comet — for better or worse, this arrangement is temporary. But if he survives that final battle, he will miss this.
Suki joins them after waving Katara goodnight. “So how come you pulled the moon spirit?” she asks Sokka lightly, plopping down next to him. "You never told me. The play wasn't very clear on that either."
“Oh, her,” Sokka says, mournfully glancing up at the moon. “I should have told you before, but —" he sits up straight and wraps his arms around his knees in a way that's vaguely familiar. "I met Yue at the North Pole, right?" He begins. "The Princess of the Northern Tribe. And I liked her, she …"
Sokka's face contorts in pain and Zuko suddenly remembers why the way he hugged his knees seemed familiar: it was strangely reminiscent of the time Zuko had asked him about his mother. Zuko had not thought much about Sokka at the time, but now he recalls the way his goofy demeanour had instantly changed into grief, and his body language had become … tighter. It wasn't the display of grief that was striking as much as that drastic change.
And just as drastically, he had slipped right back into his usual bearing after the conversation. He hides his grief, Zuko thinks.
"... until the Fire Navy showed up," Sokka is telling Suki now, speaking faster, slightly mechanically. "The point is, uh … she had some of the moon spirit’s life in her, so when Zhao killed the moon spirit she gave up her own life to restore the moon.”
“.....huh?”
Zuko was planning to leave them to their conversation and head to bed, but then Sokka nods towards him and says “Zuko was there,” and Suki turns her flummoxed stare on him.
“Oh! Uh, yeah,” he supplies intelligently.
Suki looks between the two of them like she’s watching a very fast kuai ball game, but seems to collect herself soon. “Is that why you kept freaking out at the Serpent's Pass?" she asks.
Sokka nods.
"It … sounds like it was out of your control," Suki says gently after a silent moment, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Yeah?" he asks quizzically.
“You feel like you should have done more to save her, don’t you?”
“Oh.” Sokka sighs. “Yeah … I suppose you’re right. Her — her dad said he always knew it would happen.” His voice cracks.
“Sokka,” Suki says, achingly soft, “You don’t have to, but you can talk to me, you know. You don’t have to feel like you have to keep it buried in.”
“Thanks,” Sokka mumbles, staring at the floor and drawing lines in the dust with his finger. In the following silence Zuko wildly wonders if he should say anything — the fact that they are talking about this in his presence means they have included him in their conservation, and he means what Suki said, too — but Sokka breaks it first in a very wobbly voice. “It’s just that it always feels like — like no matter what I do, it won’t be enough, you know? I try not to let anything like — like my mom happen again. But I failed with Yue, and then I failed with you too when Azula captured you,” he meets Suki’s eyes.
“That wasn’t your fault,” Suki says immediately, then looks down. “I understand that it's hard to believe, though. I feel like I failed my girls too … even if I know I'm only human and I can only do so much.” She wraps her arms around herself protectively. “I was supposed to be their leader, but I couldn’t even protect them. She’s … she’s still got them, and spirits know what she’s —” her voice chokes up.
“She’s got Mai too now,” Zuko puts in. “I’m — I’m scared to think about her.”
“Mai really saved us there,” Sokka says solemnly, looking away from them again.
“Yeah,” says Suki, then turns to Zuko. “She's Azula’s friend though, do you think she—”
Zuko doesn’t mean to snap but his voice comes out harsh. “Do you think she cares? Mai betrayed her.”
Suki stiffens for a moment, then whispers “of course,” looking down at her lap. Sokka wordlessly shifts closer to her and puts an arm around her. It occurs to Zuko that Suki knows more than anyone else what it is like to be Azula’s prisoner. He scoots to her other side, hesitantly placing a hand on hers. She doesn’t shake it away.
“I don’t even remember everything very well, you know,” she whispers, voice trembling. “I wasn’t always in my right mind during her … interrogations . I can’t be sure I didn’t tell her anything important, about my girls, or about you , Sokka — I just —” her breath hitches. “It’s like you can’t win with that girl, she’s always so —”
“I know,” Zuko offers quietly. If anything, he can relate to the helplessness of being around Azula when she is in one of her moods and knowing she knows exactly how to provoke him. He never was any good at controlling his emotions and keeping Azula from getting the better of him. Suki is much more rational than him, but she was at her mercy for days . He can only imagine what his sister put her through.
“Yeah,” Sokka adds. “I completely lost it when she taunted me about you on the day of the invasion. I knew what she was doing, but I still — ughh .”
Suki wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand and takes a deep breath. “But — Sokka, I'll say it again, it wasn't your fault. I know it feels that way, and — I understand how you feel about protecting your people. But for what it's worth … I also know that beating yourself up won't help. You have to think of the future, what you still have to do.” She gulps and attempts a watery smile. “You rescued me. And Chief Hakoda. Both of you.”
“You’re right,” says Sokka, nodding. “And — and we’ll free the rest of them too. All of them,” he adds, glancing across Suki at Zuko. "First thing after this is over."
The night is eerily silent but for the chirping of cricket-moths now that Katara, Aang and Toph have gone to bed. Suki wordlessly takes both of their hands in hers and squeezes them. They don’t mention the uncertain quiver in Sokka’s voice.
While looking through old documents, Zuko uncovers a painting. A page of doodles, really. The faces of himself, Aang, Katara, Momo, Sokka, Suki, Toph, Mai and Ty Lee, roughly inked in rows. He smooths it out on the desk, remembering when exactly it was painted and smiling fondly. It was on one of the swamped days after his coronation. The six of them had been stuck in a mind-numbingly tedious meeting about reparations all morning, which had ended with Katara threatening to throw hands with a Fire Nation economist. They had taken a tea break after that, exhausted and irritable. They had been joined by Ty Lee who wanted to see Suki and Mai who was tagging along. Sokka painted it then. Zuko leaned in to see, noticing him looking up at them at intervals and realising he was painting. Katara commented that she was glad he didn't give her Momo's ears this time and Zuko agreed: Sokka’s painting had improved a lot since the war. Then the page was buried under other inconsequential papers and forgotten.
Suddenly feeling protective of the painting, Zuko smooths out the bent edges and brushes off the dust that had collected in the creases. He should keep it somewhere safe. Inexplicably, he wonders for a moment if he can get it framed and hung up in his chambers. He knows if he tells Sokka, he will be flustered and laugh and try to dissuade him, maybe even offer to paint a better one for him to put up. But something about this one feels … so right. Unreplicable, somehow. An easy, spur-of-the-moment gesture of affection.
Zuko leans back in his chair and imagines the painting on his wall, in the empty space that used to hold the huge portrait of himself and Azula with their parents that he got rid of because he couldn’t bear to look at it without his gut twisting. A more than sufficient replacement, no doubt. A painting of his family, erratic and warm and imperfect. So different from everything he was taught all his life, so unlike anything he aspired for when he scrambled after his father’s approval hoping to get back some semblance of acceptance. And so strangely complete.
Zuko wipes his eyes and stands. Maybe he should put it up. But not on that wall: it would look too small on that blank expanse and it doesn’t have to replace that grand, stuffy portrait anyway. Maybe he can put it next to his bed, along with the portraits of his mother and uncle. That would make sense.
Zuko raises a hand to his forehead and touches the mark there, gently so he doesn’t smudge it. He can feel the dried cuttlefish ink flaking.
“What are you thinking about?” he hears Sokka ask, and realises with a start that Suki has finished her story about the Kyoshi Warrior swearing-in ceremony and they have been silent for a while. He was lost in thoughts.
“Nothing,” he shrugs. “Just … today was nice.”
Sokka grins, the matching mark on his forehead catching the amber glow from the fire pit. “Wasn’t it? It’s been all meeting this and formality that since you came, it was fun to finally do something together. I always wanted to go ice dodging with Dad too.”
“You’d already ice dodged once while travelling with Aang, right?” Suki asks. She is curled up on the floor on her side, her head in Zuko’s lap. The three of them are huddled together in matching blue fur coats, tired and cozy. Zuko is sandwiched between Suki lying snuggled up to him and Sokka on his other side, their shoulders touching, and it’s warmer in the igloo than Zuko would have imagined. He doesn't even need to use his Breath of Fire.
“With Katara and Aang, yes. Bato took us because I never got to go with Dad when I turned fourteen — that’s when you’re actually supposed to go. I asked Dad if it would be okay if I went again, so …” Sokka turns to the fire and smiles. “Since you guys are here, I wanted to do it together. See how we did without waterbending — and we did great, by the way, in my professional Southern Water Tribe opinion.”
“So …” Zuko shifts. “Why did you want to take us both? I understand why Suki, but —”
“What do you mean why ?” Sokka demands, sounding whiny. “We’re all together now and spirits know when Your Fieriness will have time to visit again and I don’t know if we’ll have a chance to do this again, that’s why!”
“No, I mean — I’m — I'm glad you took me, I'm just asking why — it symbolically makes us part of the Tribe, right? ”
“... Yes? That's why I wanted you to do it with me?”
“Oh,” Zuko mutters, and feels more than hears Suki snicker against his thigh. “What?” he demands.
“Nothing, genius,” Suki says. “Sokka shared his Tribe’s rite of passage with you because you're one of us. What are you confused about?”
“Tui and La , Zuko, what part of ‘you’re family’ do you not understand?” Sokka demands, crossing his arms.
“Okay, okay,” Zuko says defensively. Was his question that outrageous? He knows they’re family, indisputably, but how does that equate to Sokka wanting him to participate in a rite that makes him part of the Southern Water Tribe, along with Suki no less? Suki is Sokka’s girlfriend, for Agni’s sake. “I know that, I never questioned that, I just — I’m a little surprised that you wanted to share something so important with me too, is all.”
“Yeah, well,” Sokka pokes him in the chest with mock aggression, “You're both important to me, Hotman, we’re important to me, so don't be surprised next time.”
Zuko hums, wanting to say something but stopping himself. Sokka is being serious about this and he doesn’t know what to do with that. They’re important to Sokka? His wording left little room for doubt that he meant just the three of them. In that case … “We’re important to me too,” he says quietly.
“We better be,” Suki says sleepily and pats him on the leg. Sokka stops looking so fired up and relaxes against Zuko’s side.
What they have is important to Zuko, he thinks; it has been since the moment at Boiling Rock when he and Suki agreed not to leave Sokka. And whatever it is he feels, it has only strengthened over time with every impulsive adventure and diplomatic mission and inside joke and heartfelt conversation. They’re good together. They're good at encouraging each other's wild impulses and keeping each other in line and taking care of each other. It just never occurred to him to articulate that, and it never occurred to him that they might feel the same. But he is touched that they do. He looks down at his hand resting on Suki’s coat, rising and falling with her breath, and at his other hand now in Sokka’s grip and it’s so natural to be here like he’s a part of them, and have Sokka and Suki always been so comfortable cuddling with him in between them?
The thought penetrates Zuko’s pleasant sleepy haze like a bolt of lightning and he suddenly shoots up straight, all but yelping “Flaming hog monkeys!” Sokka, who was leaning against him, says “hey!” in protest and Suki mumbles “what now ?” at the same time.
“Sorry,” Zuko says, barely registering, his heart speeding up. How did his mind even make the leap to being a part of this , of Suki and Sokka’s relationship? “I’m —” he fumbles, not knowing what to say, but then Sokka squeezes his shoulder and tugs gently. Zuko understands the silent appeal to go back to cuddling and responds automatically, leaning against the wall again, willing himself to think of anything else. Sokka sighs comfortably and rests his head on Zuko’s shoulder, muttering “what was that about, Zuko?”
Spirits above, he is royally fucked.
“How did you know it was Ty Lee?” he abruptly asks one day, grip tightening ever so slightly on his cup of lychee juice.
Mai looks up and blinks at him. “What?”
“How did you know how you — um …” he begins more quietly, then trails off at Mai’s bemused expression.
Mai pensively swirls her cup of jasmine tea before asking, “Why?”
“I —” because no matter how much Mai and Zuko are yet to learn about each other, they shared a part of their lives they had not shared with anyone else. Because if anyone is to understand his question it’s her. Because they have come far enough that she is the only person he thought to confide in. But he is not quite eloquent enough to articulate that, so he backtracks. “Mai, you didn’t … you never actually felt anything for me, did you?”
Mai puts down her cup and blinks impassively at Zuko, and he groans inwardly. Bad start. “That’s not true,” Mai says blankly, turning her gaze back down. “Contempt is a feeling.”
Zuko quickly hides a snort behind a sip of lychee juice and his grip relaxes a little in spite of himself. He tries again. “You only liked … you thought you liked me because it was convenient, right? And you were never — interested — in these things?”
“Zuko, if you want to rekindle —”
“Mai!”
Mai does not deign to acknowledge his exclamation. “To answer your question, yes, I chose you because it was — convenient. And no, I was never that interested. It - it didn't seem out of the ordinary at the time, to … choose a person to like."
Zuko nods. "Me, too. I thought if I had to like anyone, it would be you. I — You were my only friend and…" he tries to drown the rest of the sentence in another sip of lychee juice.
Mai rolls her eyes, and does he imagine it or do her cheeks pinken? "I know this, though. What are you driving at?"
"I just wanted to ask you, with Ty Lee … how did you — I mean, how did you know what you wanted? How can you recognise how you feel when you have almost never felt this way before…?” He trails off awkwardly and hopes she understands why he trusts her with this.
Mai stares into her cup. “I was confused, at first,” she says slowly. “But I guess I always knew, deep down. I knew I trusted her, and she was always there for me, and … I think I knew for sure when she told me how she felt. I trust you don’t need all the details,” she adds, swiftly glancing up from her tea at him.
“Mai.” Zuko groans.
Mai smirks and takes a sip of her tea, then adds more thoughtfully, “I think eventually you have to stop worrying about what your feelings mean and think about what will make you happy.”
Zuko is silent for a long moment. Then he adds quietly, cautiously, “Did — does it — scare you?”
Mai’s breath hitches audibly before she answers, equally gingerly, “Yes.” Then she sets her cup down with a clink and clears her throat. “But I chose to trust her. She is worth it.”
It makes sense, he thinks. Perhaps the fear never truly goes away but you choose to keep loving in spite of it. After all, the depth of his affection and trust for his friends — and theirs for him — is still a little unnerving, even after so long. But they are, as Mai said, worth it. "Thank you, Mai," he says a little hoarsely, and thinks about faith and taking chances as they fall comfortably silent, the afternoon sun melting over them.
They don't mention the conversation again until Mai brings it up as they say goodbye after some idle gossip. "Zuko … I hope you don’t mess it up with whoever you are agonising over. I — I hope it goes well.”
Touched as he is, Zuko still seizes the chance to smirk and say “Is that concern I hear?”
Mai looks away from him. “There’s a reason I decided I liked you, all those years ago.” She briskly walks away without giving Zuko a chance to reply, and he knows that means we are never mentioning this again .
“Shift change is done,” Aang declares, squeezing past a few guests to Zuko's spot where he has collapsed on a bench, formality be damned. “I oversaw the guards and Iroh says kitchen staff are done too.”
Zuko sighs, not having the energy to smile. The lit lanterns all over the garden have started to blur together in his eyes. “I don't know what I'd do without you, buddy.”
“Steady on, Sifu Hotman.” Aang plops down beside him. “All good on your end?”
“I’m so close to outlawing royal parties,” Zuko mumbles. “I had to restrain Toph from fighting this guy. He kept trying to argue with everyone about the Civil Union Bill.”
Aang chuckles. “Hey, it's just once a year. And it's an excuse for all of us to hang out!”
“But I want to hang out for real,” Zuko complains. “Not when I have to spend all day entertaining drunk people who hate me.” He could do with a drink himself, but he is something of a lightweight and it won't do for the Fire Lord to be tipsy.
“I miss you too,” Aang says with a smile, squeezing Zuko's hand. “I'll make sure we all hang out soon, I promise.”
“You’re really leaving, huh?”
“I'm needed at the Temple. And…” Aang bites his lip. “Sokka and Katara said they would leave with me. They need a lift to the South Pole.”
“Oh.” Zuko sighs again. Sokka and Katara had been talking about needing to go home soon, but Zuko had put off thinking about it. He's going to have to deal with the fallout of the party tomorrow, and if Sokka, Katara and Aang all leave so soon… he might just cry.
“At least Suki and Toph are staying for a while,” Aang offers half-heartedly, sounding upset himself. “I'll tell them to keep an eye on you so you don't overwork yourself,” he adds sternly.
“Thanks,” Zuko says with a small chuckle, not really listening. He has spotted Sokka and Suki strolling on the other side of the garden, Sokka talking animatedly. His eyes are tired and he has to squint to make them out, but they look gorgeous in the kimonos Sokka made a huge deal of picking out for the occasion. If this is his last chance to talk to them together for now …
“Go talk to them,” Aang says, patting him on the shoulder. “I'll see if there's any Guest Duty to take care of.”
“Thanks,” Zuko says sincerely. “Find Toph if you need to threaten anyone,” he adds, only half joking, and gets up, self-consciously smoothing out his hair as he walks over to Sokka and Suki. “Guys,” he tries to call out as he catches up with them, but his voice is dry all of a sudden and it comes out as a cough.
They hear him nonetheless and turn. “Zuko!” Sokka greets him brightly, precariously raising a half full glass. “Still holding off on the wine?”
“No,” Zuko decides. The party has almost entirely devolved into drinking anyway and people are going to gossip about him whether he gets drunk or not. He grabs Sokka's glass and downs the rest of the contents.
“Hey!” Sokka complains, but he doesn't sound mad.
“Aang told me you're leaving,” Zuko says, handing the empty glass back to Sokka.
This sobers Sokka a little. “Duty calls,” he says with a frown.
“That’s why we bailed on working,” Suki says apologetically, taking his hand with her free one that isn't holding Sokka's. “Our last night together. Ty Lee said she got it covered.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Zuko mumbles, trying not to let his voice tremble. “Listen, I —”
“Yes?” Suki prompts him, as Sokka notices the empty wine glass in his hand with some confusion and sets it down on a nearby table.
“Let's walk?” Zuko suggests, his voice suddenly squeaky. Sokka lets go of Suki's hand and loops his arm around Zuko's as they stroll towards the pond. “I just,” Zuko stammers, suddenly very aware of their warm presence on either side of him. “I've been wanting to talk to you for a while, and now, well—” he has been standing and running around all day and his feet hurt and the lanterns and the assortment of red robes are burning his eyes and he is stiff and hot in his robes and Sokka is maybe a little more drunk than ideal but he just made up his mind and if not now then when?
“What’s up, man?” Sokka asks seriously.
Zuko takes a deep breath. There's no going back. “I need to tell you something,” he starts, painfully aware of his chest constricting. Not now. I'm fine. They won't kill me. Or leave me and hate me forever. Probably.
They are at the edge of the pond. Zuko gently disentangles himself from their arms and steps back so he can look at them, then looks down at the ground anyway. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I — I just need you to hear me out,” he says breathlessly. “And I promise, I don't want anything from you and nothing has to change and — and if it's weird you can just ignore what I say and we can just go back to —” his breath hitches and he closes his eyes. Please just let me be honest with you and don't hate me for how I am.
“Zuko,” Sokka says, his voice slightly amused but gentle, and Zuko turns to look at him. “We — you don't have to say it, if it's … uncomfortable. We — we think we know what you mean.”
Zuko blinks, noting Sokka and Suki's matching smiles and the way they all envelop each other, their arms linked, Suki’s hand on his back, Sokka's intertwined with his. Is it surprising that they anticipated this – and talked about it, apparently? “Of course you know,” he says out loud. That's what I like about you two. You're a team. And you know me so well. “But —” he shakes his head. “I want to … I want to say it. I've put it off long enough.”
Suki nods, her hand snaking softly up to his hair. “We are listening,” she assures.
Zuko nods, looking down with a sigh. “Ilikeyou,” he blurts before he can second guess himself again, and it helps, once the words are out. "It's … different now, different from the way I liked you at first, and I've never felt this way before but I think — I think it's … closer to the way you like each other? Spirits,” he rubs his eyes and looks up, heart racing like he just ran a lap, and risks eye contact. Suki nods expectantly and Sokka smiles. Good. He has said the words and they aren't laughing at him. Or disgusted. Not bad.
“I don't know … where to go from here,” he continues, trying not to sound as breathless as he feels. “All this is new to me, I don't really — really know how this works, and …” he rubs his tired eyes. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices Sokka and Suki turn to each other and looks up. “You don't have to say anything,” he rambles. “You don't have to feel the same way, I don't mean it like that at all, I know you two are, you guys are good and I’d never do anything to —”
“Zuko,” Suki cuts him off. “Don't worry, okay?” she says soothingly. “Don’t worry. We're fine. Sokka and I are fine, the three of us are fine.”
Zuko nods. “Thank — thank you for listening. I just … I needed you to know because … we share things. It felt weird to hide it. It doesn't … it doesn't make things weird, right? We can just … be like before?” He is vaguely aware of how insane it sounds, right after he confessed his feelings for them, but he needs to know, he needs them to tell him that he didn't just ruin everything they had, that he hasn't lost them —
“Mother of Yangchen, you are dense ,” Sokka exclaims loudly, looping an arm around Zuko's waist. “Remind me why I'm into this guy?”
“You — excuse me?” Zuko says and Suki immediately bursts out laughing. Zuko is very aware of his face heating up and he would very much like to dive into the pond but his legs are shaking and he doesn't think he could physically pull away from Sokka if he tried, so he settles for burying his face in his hand and willing the ground to swallow him up.
“Sorry,” Suki says in between giggles. “I'm not making fun of you, but really, Zuko —”
“We like you back,” Sokka explains helpfully, speaking right into his ear. His beaded locks tickle Zuko.
“We thought about telling you ourselves,” Suki adds, having finally suppressed her laughter. “But we were worried about springing it on you. We thought we'd give it more time.”
“I need to sit,” Zuko says to no one in particular and slumps down right on the ground. Sokka drops next to him in an equally undignified manner and Suki sits across from them. Zuko tries to calm himself down and comprehend this, but his head is spinning. “So … what now?”
“We don't have to ignore your confession,” Suki says, still sounding amused to his chagrin. “We are open to having you as our partner.” She says more seriously and looks over at Sokka, who hums in agreement. “But it's up to you, really. We don't know if it's something you'd want and you might not even have the freedom —” she shrugs uncomfortably. “So, you can decide, and if you want it, we're here. Me personally, I just want both of you in my life, in whatever way you're comfortable with.” She smiles. She is wearing her hair back and looks beautiful in the half dark.
“I … didn't even know you could do that,” Zuko says, thinking about it. “I've never even liked anyone this much before. I thought I was just supposed to have a girlfriend, and then I realised it wasn't working for me the way it works for other people, and I thought it wouldn't work for me at all ever but then you guys happened, and I was so confused because I feel the same way for both of you, I didn't know what to do with it and I didn't want to mess anything up and I — don't know why things are weird for me,” he finishes uncertainly.
“The more you know,” Sokka says brightly. “I thought I was only into girls before you. Pretty weird for me when I realised. And Suki thought she was only into girls before me, if you can believe that.”
Suki coughs pointedly and Zuko smiles. This is familiar. This is them. He can deal with whatever changes come next if these two stay. “So, how does it work, being partners?” he asks. “Three of us?”
“We just have to figure out what works for us,” Suki says simply. “None of us have done this before.”
“Right,” Zuko says with a sigh. There has to be a lot to think about and figure out here, but his mind is too hazy now and maybe he should get another wine. Thinking can wait until after a good night's sleep. Speaking of which, “but I'm so tired and we have so much to do tomorrow and Sokka is leaving soon.”
“Hey, I'll make up some excuse to come visit you,” Sokka says sleepily, flinging his arms around Zuko's neck and sloppily kissing him on the cheek. “And I'll write lots! The cheesiest letters!”
“We'll talk about this over letters, really?” Zuko mutters, trying to ignore the heat in his face.
“It's not ideal but it works when we're all so busy,” Suki shrugs.
“Suki's going to be here for a few days,” Sokka assures Zuko. “You can comfort each other when you're mis— mel— when you're melancholic without me. Maybe she can seduce you.”
Zuko groans and Suki says, “don't spook the guy even more, Sokka,” but she is shaking with suppressed laughter.
“I think I want it,” Zuko decides. “Not — not you seducing me, I mean I’m not saying I’d — ugh — I mean I’d like to be together. Be your partner. And,” he waves his hand vaguely, “we can figure out the logistics later. We can keep it a secret for now if we want, or — I wouldn’t want to pick just one of you as my consort. I’ll have to see what the policies are.” It's strange to be talking about this so frankly, like he's used to it — but in a way he is. It's new and strange, but running his thoughts by them and making decisions together is so familiar.
“Here’s to us,” Suki says happily, clearly relieved, and does she sound just a little choked up? “We’ll figure everything out when we are all less sleepy.”
“Kiss to celebrate,” Sokka declares and unceremoniously pecks Zuko on the mouth. Before Zuko can process it, Suki leans forward and kisses Sokka and then him. To his relief, she doesn’t linger; she whispers “all right?” and he nods. It was nice and made his heart melt a little and he would eventually like more, but the brief peck is enough for his overwhelmed mind now.
He distantly registers some of the guests having a heated argument and ignores it. Eventually he will have to get up and make himself look presentable again and attend to the party until late at night. He can already imagine the rumours about them tomorrow; the pond isn’t exactly secluded and they haven’t been very subtle about lounging carelessly in full regalia. Or kissing just now. And he will have to clean up after the party and then spend some time with his friends before they leave and then Sokka will go home, and Aang and Katara, and he might cry in public.
And he will have to process the conversation with Suki and Sokka and think about what everything means for them and where to go from here. Maybe his life won’t ever stop being utter chaos, but at least he has friends to help him deal with it. Partners. A family.
Nothing in his life is remotely like anything he was taught it would be, and he couldn’t be more grateful.