Chapter Text
Every few days, a man with hair the shade of silver awoke from a dream. In this dream, all that seemed to take shape was the silhouette of another man. Brazen and bold and lovely, he took up the confines of the dream as if he belonged there. As if he had carved the space out for him and him alone.
The man with silver hair then wakes slowly, disoriented and grasping at faded memories of smiles so full of warmth, touches so gentle and eyes so ruby. He got up from bed, shuffling to a mirror mounted on his wall, and stared. He stared at his unruly, bed-ridden hair, before going down to his eyes which shone with a distinct drop of red over green, droopy and tired from sleep, and took one look at his crumbled sleep shirt before leading his eyes back to his face.
And he stared, futile in his efforts to recall the memories of his dream, in which he'd sworn he'd seen curls of sandy hair pinned back and a brilliant blotch of blue as decoration. He stared until, eventually, the memories faded away, and he was left wondering if he'd ever had the dream, to begin with.
Alhaitham sighed, turning away from his mirror, and started his morning. He brushed his teeth, washed up, and put on his outfit. He's careful as he heads to the kitchen, calm and measured steps to keep the task of breakfast to a minimum. He set two plates filled with food onto the kitchen island and heated water on a pyro-powered stove.
Then, he heard the distinct slam of a door and hurried footsteps running down to the kitchen. Alhaitham remained unbothered, watching the water before him catch and pop bubbles when his roommate skidded to a stop, burning holes into the back of his head. Alhaitham turned and watched as Kaveh skimmed over his figure with a look of panic, one that fizzled away and faded into relief once whatever bothered him had been disproved.
Alhaitham kept his eyes on him as Kaveh recovered and, for the first time that morning, made eye contact. The contact sent a shiver down Alhaitham's spine, and faint flickers of warmth and soft touches invaded his mind for a second before they disappeared. Kaveh then chuckled, tensing awkwardly as he tried to come up with an excuse for his odd behaviour. Not for today only, but for the previous days - weeks where Kaveh would go as far as barging into Alhaitham's room to see if he were present.
An odd routine crept up on both of them. Alhaitham dreamt of a man beyond his comprehension and Kaveh acted weirder than he ever had before. “Ah, are those eggs you've made? I'm surprised nothing has been burnt down.” The change of topic felt janky at best, and Alhaitham felt the need to bring it up again, like he had the previous days.
He raised an eyebrow, retort at the tip of his tongue, but paused when he saw Kaveh hunch into himself (and he remembered jaded remarks, Kaveh forcing himself to leave to avoid ‘such invasive questions’ and tense interactions afterward). With a frown and a pointed look, Alhaitham decided to drop it, if only for today.
“For the record, I recall you burning far more meals than I ever have.” Alhaitham started, looking down as the kettle let out a whistle, pulling it off the stove, “So unless you want to discuss your misfortunes with food as well, then I welcome you to continue.” Kaveh flashed him an irritated look, sniping a plate of food and cutlery from the island before moving towards their living room, falling into the seat with the gracefulness of a slug. He positioned the food so it was at a lesser risk of falling, and started to eat.
In the meantime, Alhaitham prepared two mugs of coffee, one with a few drops of sugar and milk to satiate the tolerance of a child and the other completely black. Alhaitham took both with him to the living room, placing the dark coffee next to Kaveh, who had finished his plate of food and reached to take a sip.
Alhaitham returned to the kitchen, choosing to eat his meal there as the older man brought his blueprints and equipment across the living room and spread them onto the table. The sound of graphite against paper filled the otherwise silent room and Alhaitham took his time to finish his food before he could head off to work. It was rare for Kaveh to be found in the house during working days, but he'd chosen to take a few days off for a reason Alhaitham knew nothing of.
Alhaitham took his key from the small bowl by the doorway when he'd finished eating and regarded Kaveh with one more look before leaving, taking slight note of the feeling of eyes on him when he had opened the door. He got to the Akademiya with little issue, and the day went on as painstakingly as usual when Alhaitham sat in the stuffy and too-big chair of the Grand Sage, going over the few hundred lists of applications alongside whatever else people had wanted to submit. He delved deeper into the workload, hoping to get the majority of it done before the end of the workday - with the persistence of someone who did not want to leave work for their future self.
By this point, any wandering thoughts of the dreams he'd been having were all but forgotten to better focus on his task.
–
He doesn't startle when Kaveh loudly announces his presence, partly because he could hear his faint footsteps seconds before his arrival, but mostly because he had a hunch Kaveh would visit. For the fourth day in a row now, Kaveh came to sit on the chair opposite Alhaitham's and placed the lunch he had neatly prepared and wrapped for the man on a part of the large table that wasn't overcrowded with stacks of paper.
“You seem to have forgotten yourself.” Kaveh started, busying his hands by unwrapping the lunch he had made (He claimed Alhaitham was too harsh with the material and made it crinkle too easily). “Whatever happened to the Alhaitham I knew who made it his life's journey to live easily?” He sighed, exasperation clear as he laid out the intricately decorated food.
Alhaitham said nothing, signing off the last of the paperwork of the pile he'd been working on, and setting it off to the side. He didn't bother to reach for another pile, instead watching silently as Kaveh fussed over his food. His eyes fell on the blonde's eyes, the dark under eyes more prominent in the few weeks his odd habits had begun to arise. He doesn't bring it up, knowing from experience that Kaveh would deflect harder than he does his living crisis.
So Alhaitham sighed, letting his gaze wander, and he took the lunchbox Kaveh had so graciously made (“You waste too much money buying lunch when you can easily make your own.” “I, for one, see no problem using the money I have. Though I understand how you might feel differently about the subject.”). He took an experimental bite, keeping his face neutral even as Kaveh eyed his expression like a hawk. He closed his eyes, letting the flavours settle on his tongue. There was always a certain taste to the food Kaveh made, when he'd finally learned how to make the food Alhaitham enjoyed. No matter how many times Alhaitham allocated a part of his evening to watch Kaveh cook, he could never quite catch the technique the architect used to get his food tasting so much like… warmth incarnate. His food tasted close to, or adjacent to, home. The warmth that came with home.
Alhaitham opened his eyes. “You underspiced it.” He said simply, digging up another spoonful of curry and ignoring Kaveh's indignant squawk. The smile that threatened to break on his face must have shown, judging by Kaveh's astonished look thrown his way. Alhaitham felt himself flush lightly beneath his gaze, skin heating under his collar. Kaveh blushed in turn, standing up so abruptly it caused the chair he was on to squeak loudly, the sound grating in Alhaitham's ears. He winced just as Kaveh said, “D-.. don't work while eating, you idiot!!” and rushed out of his office.
Alhaitham would watch his descent with something close to shock if it weren't something so Kaveh to do. He let himself smile this time, looking down at his lunch. How daring of him to have someone like Kaveh to call home.
–
I’m back here, Alhaitham thinks, eyeing his surroundings curiously. He is in a large library holding dozens of bookshelves, all bearing bouts of knowledge greater than any human could ever comprehend. The House of Daena, he concludes. The air feels soft, mist overtaking the area as he navigates his way through. The lights are off, it seems dark out and the only light sources come from the candles nestled on each table. It should be creepy, but the candlelight spreads more warmth than fear, and the stars shine beautifully from the view inside the library. The place looks ethereal.
Alhaitham startles when a voice calls out for him and spins around to find the silhouette of a teen standing in the middle of the library. He stands out against the atmosphere, radiant and glowing a bright, warm gold. He looks stunning, his gold hair braided to follow the curve of his neck, and Alhaitham rushes to approach him before he can think otherwise.
“It's been a while since we've been here this late, hasn't it?” the elder teen asks, reaching out to grab Alhaitham's hand and pulling him down to sit on the floor. There's already a blanket and a few pillows strewn around underneath the two, but Alhaitham hesitates. “... There are chairs we can sit on, you know.” He quirks a brow but sits down with no other complaints.
“It won't feel the same.” The blonde chides softly, settling comfortably on the warm material, encouraging Alhaitham to do the same. There's something intrinsically familiar about him. He moves exactly the way Alhaitham expects, with an elegant yet energetic poise. From the few glances he's been spared, Alhaitham can imagine how overly optimistic he is, almost to a fault. Seeing far more good in people than Alhaitham believes there even is in the first place.
Alhaitham chooses to file the information for later, and faces the person he can't decide is a stranger or not. “Why are we even here? I'd imagine a library that doesn't even have a roof lantern wouldn't be the best spot for stargazing, or whatever you plan to do.” Alhaitham questions more, a part of himself finding amusement in the annoyed tick forming in his expression. “Hush you, smartass. We’re not here for that tonight.” he refutes with a huff, reaching to pluck a book off a stack from the floor.
“We used to come here all the time when we were younger.” He starts, and the beginning of a smile paints his lips. “I remember the first night we started this, years ago. You wanted to get a book from here, but it had been too dark to read, so we huddled together on the floor with a lamp and I read it to you. We got too loud at some point and were removed by a guard passing by.” He ends with a laugh, the sound pulling a heartstring deep within Alhaitham's chest. He clears his throat, feeling his cheeks warm slightly.
“How dumb of us, then. Why would I want something to read so late at night in the first place?”
“Of course it's like you not to remember how snobbish you used to be. You were always on the verge of a tantrum if you couldn't get what you wanted.”
Truthfully, Alhaitham can't remember anything the man is saying, as if he is talking about memories that don't exist. He mulls over his response for a second, wondering how to go about this without raising suspicion. From the way he speaks of them, they've known each other for many years, and although he has a faint inkling of recognition, he can’t remember anything that supports the fact. Still, he tries. “I don't suppose that’s where you came in to reel me in?” He finally settles on saying (and is surprised when it feels teasing coming out of his mouth.)
He's rewarded by the look he sees on the boy's face. It's far too dark to discern any colour changes on his skin, but Alhaitham can easily imagine a soft pink blush coating his cheeks, and it draws a soft smile out of him. “You're so..!” The blonde splutters, clearly flustered and poorly hiding his expression behind the book which he quickly opens.
The chuckle that's pulled out of Alhaitham's chest feels like something he couldn't control if he wanted to. He finds he doesn't mind the thought. He leans against the boy, waiting as he composes himself. “You're so insufferable. You haven't changed one bit.” He mumbles under his breath, moving the book from his face.
“Now, keep quiet and let your Senior read this book for you.” He sits tall, regaining his smile as he turns to the first page of the book, opening his mouth to read the opening line.
__
Alhaitham awoke slowly. He felt more than registered the warmth of sunlight on him, tickling his skin and casting the room in a light that he could see behind his eyelids. A faint feeling of contentment stayed in the air, phantom touches lingering against his palm that left him fuzzy. And for a second, Alhaitham remembered the stranger's voice ringing in his ears, lulling him to sleep in the middle of the empty library, but opening his eyes wiped the image away.
He groaned, turning over in bed to dig himself into his pillows, face scrunched up as he tried once more to recall lost memories. It proved futile, and Alhaitham sighed, resigning himself to another dozen hours in a chair much too stiff for his back.
When he left his room, it was to a view of Kaveh, a hand in his hair with papers and blueprints strewn about the coffee table. As he got closer, Alhaitham noted his rumpled clothes and the hairpins left haphazardly in his hair. The sight had a knot forming in his stomach.
“I thought you'd know better than to stay up the whole night working, Kaveh.” Alhaitham said in place of a greeting, raising an eyebrow at the flinch he received in return. He observed as Kaveh dropped his face into his hand, likely regaining his composure (or forcing himself to stay awake, maybe). “.. Is it already morning?” Kaveh forced out through a yawn, dropping his hands from his face and turning around to look at Alhaitham. He looked just as bad as Alhaitham imagined he would, eye bags heavy with stress and sleep deprivation - his skin much paler than it had been the day prior too. And even despite knowing what he'd see, Alhaitham's eyebrows still furrow with worry. He'd been getting better, right?
“It's been a while since you've pulled an all-nighter. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were reverting to your old, destructive habits.” Kaveh flinched again at that, tensing at the mention. It was uncalled for, a topic they both knew shouldn't be brought up again, but Alhaitham's brain was still fuzzy from sleep, and he had been getting tired of wondering what ailed Kaveh's sleep so much and how it concerned him (why it had Kaveh reaching so desperately to him, but closing himself off almost feverishly).
He sighed deeply. “I'll make us breakfast.” He said in place of an apology. The house was quiet when he trekked up to the kitchen, as it'd come to be with whatever had been happening to Kaveh as of late. He’d done a good job at hiding the probable unhealthy amount of caffeine he'd consumed in the past few hours, but Alhaitham caught sight of the four mugs still drying on the dish rack all the same. He frowned but said nothing. The Scribe prepared a simple breakfast, forgoing brewing coffee for a simple cup of tea. He'd heard this specific herb helped with sleep and stress, and Kaveh was the one to buy it, so he found it fitting to boil a cup for the man who seemed to have rejected sleep altogether.
Alhaitham was deep in thought as the water boiled. He was sure that Kaveh was having dreams too, as was all of Sumeru at the moment. The topic was heavily understudied, but he remembered reading about the intricacies of negative dreams. Ones that were an amalgamation of fears held deep within a person’s heart. Some said it was the work of higher power, but there was nothing to back up those claims. Either way, it was not something Alhaitham had experienced himself, so he couldn't be sure yet of its legitimacy.
But…
If it were true, it could coincide with Kaveh's rapid decline in health. Though he could only imagine what part he had to play in Kaveh's dreams and how he only ever seemed to calm down once Alhaitham was in sight, and that pointed to something else that bred a whole other canned worm of questions that he didn't quite feel like exploring just yet. Disregarding his thoughts, he pulled out a pair of mugs from underneath the table, pouring in the steaming water and a tea bag for each one. He let the tea settle, taking the dish of food and mug with him and placing it on the table near where Kaveh sat.
Kaveh had already packed his papers neatly to the side, muttering a small thanks for the meal. He ate quietly, taking small sips of tea between every few bites. Alhaitham stayed seated by his side, watching to make sure he finished his food, despite the ticking timer in his head reminding him of where he had to be. When Kaveh pushed the empty plate to the side, it was with little energy. Alhaitham mentally reminded himself to thank the Traveller for introducing the tea to them when Kaveh all but fell against his frame, thanks on his lips when he finally succumbed to sleep.
When Alhaitham was sure Kaveh was asleep, he gathered him in his arms, careful not to disturb his rest. He stood carefully, en route to Kaveh’s room when he remembered the reason for his refusal to sleep. It wouldn't do good to send him back to the place that he'd been avoiding, not if Alhaitham actually wanted Kaveh to get proper rest. At that thought, another, admittedly dumb, one trickled in. A standard that came with Kaveh's night terrors was that he only calmed down when Alhaitham was in sight. Perhaps…
Alhaitham looked to the direction his room was, and his mind went through all the logical fallacies his brain was churning out, but he ultimately decided to go with his idea. Maybe Alhaitham's room would help keep him calm; being surrounded by his scent…
Alhaitham fully ignored the fault in his reasoning for once (taking care not to give thought to the heat crawling up his neck) and walked to his room. He placed Kaveh onto his unmade bed, grateful that he had the foresight not to make it earlier, and paused at the sight.
Alhaitham was never really one for intimacy.
He was mostly reserved as a child, and only socialised when needed to. Because of that, he never had what people would consider to be a normal childhood. He stayed indoors with his nana, read his books, and learned to write while others were out playing and interacting with others in ways Alhaitham never knew how to.
Suffice to say, Alhaitham never cared to let people close enough to feel intimate with them, but here, with Kaveh stretching himself over Alhaitham’s bed and snuggling into his covers and pillows - the very same pillow Alhaitham had dug himself into not even an hour ago - stirred a feeling in his chest. It felt sickly sweet, pouring itself into all the crevices and cracks of Alhaitham. The feeling spread quickly, warmth melting his skin and making him feel like putty.
He mostly associated that feeling with Kaveh. The same way he felt something akin to comfort when Kaveh was near. Sitting near each other. Discussing different topics and ideas, arguing over said ideas. Staying late at night in the Akademiya library to finish incomplete assignments and the like. All these memories, these recollections - they all have Alhaitham feeling (a feeling that despite being multilingual, he’s never been able to name) as if he'd never want to be anywhere else.
Unfortunately for him, he'd be lucky to make it to work in time if he were to leave now. He almost didn't want to go, but thinking of how fast the papers on his desk piled up and how annoying some researchers could get, he decided against it. He wouldn't want anyone knocking on his door because of his absence. He stole one more glance at Kaveh - which lasted far too long to be just a glance - before pulling himself away.
He traded his shoes by the door for his outside ones and forced himself not to dwell any longer. Needless to say, he's late for work.
__
When Alhaitham sleeps, he finds himself adorned in his old Akademiya uniform. He's sitting on a chair in the far corner of the House of Daena, close enough to the walls to hear the pitter-patter of rain from outside. He's halfway through paging through a book, and he pauses to take hold of his surroundings. A frown falls on his lips, and a faint feeling of dread settles heavily in his stomach. He chooses to ignore it in favour of reading where he last thinks he left off in the book.
The next few minutes pass by fitfully, long and painfully slow when he hears a soft set of footsteps approach his table. Looking up, he sees a boy (a man?) he has no recollection of but knows so intimately. His stance is unlike himself– fatigued and fraying on the edges. Alhaitham doesn't exactly know him, but he knows this isn't a look he wears often, or at all. The bags under his eyes are prominent, his braids are loose and the smile Alhaitham can swear is ever present on his lips is gone, and he just looks exhausted.
He settles across from Alhaitham silently, setting his bag down next to him. He stays quiet for a few moments, long enough to prompt Alhaitham to return back to his book. The silence feels almost deafening, spreading throughout the entire library and crushing any semblance of comfort Alhaitham had prior.
“.. They quit.” The young man across from him whispers. Alhaitham was sure he wouldn't have caught the words if he hadn't had all his attention on him already. He looks up from his book and almost wishes he hadn't.
The blonde looks defeated, looking only at the table as if he's scared he'll be faced with disappointment. His teeth gnaw furiously at his bottom lip, and he fidgets with his hands from underneath the table.
“Go on.” He continues, louder this time. “Tell me you knew this would happen.”
Alhaitham just stares on, unsure of what to do. He's likely missing all of the context to this, and he can't come up with anything to say, for once. It seems like silence is the worse option, when the blonde's brows furrow, looking up towards him.
He's tense, and there are hundreds of emotions flashing through his eyes. They flicker and clash against each other until they finally settle on anger. “You told me the project was far too complex and the other members wouldn't be able to keep up. I disagreed and I took their side. I was wrong, why aren't you telling me I was wrong?” Alhaitham is at a loss for words. The man, whatever he hopes to hear, will only serve to further hurt him. He isn't sure what he can say that won't hurt him regardless of the fact.
He tries anyway. “I won't say anything you don't already know yourself.”
This only seems to anger him further, standing up to loom over Alhaitham. “But you were so ready to judge my decisions to help them? Where is that willingness now, Alhaitham.” He's shaking, pressing his palms onto the table to hide it.
“I... I failed.” He says dully. It's that sentence alone that kills all the anger from his system, and he slumps down back into his chair. Alhaitham finds himself wishing he stayed angry instead of this.. emotion that's stirring in him.
“It's..” he pauses, ”You made a mistake. And you realised you made a mistake. That is all that matters.”
“Is that all you have to say?” The blonde says a little incredulously.
“You already know what you've done wrong. As long as you continue forward with the new knowledge you've acquired, then I see nothing else there is to say.”
The man just hides his face in his hands, seemingly not hearing his words. He looks older like this, not like someone who's soon to graduate. He pushes out, “This was a mistake. I made such a huge mistake.”
The words, sounding helpless, dig a deeper hole in Alhaitham's chest, as if already knowing what he was going to say next.
“I regret ever working with you, Alhaitham. We're too different for anything to have ever worked out between us, I…” He groans, the sound aggravated and wet. Alhaitham stares as he takes a shaky breath, focusing on trying to keep calm.
For all it's worth, the man gains his composure with startling speed - though it still feels like a cover-up. He regards Alhaitham with a cool eye, but there's a slight shiver to his hands - a shake so minute the elder teen could barely pick up.
“Please remove my name from the thesis.”
Alhaitham was prepared, but for the wrong reasons supposedly, as he still startles when it's said. The reality quietly sets in that this may be the last time he sees the man in front of him. That if he leaves now, it would be the last time Alhaitham would see him, possibly ever. It is a thought that doesn't sit well in his stomach. The idea of moving on with life without him, despite still knowing him as a stranger. It's a thought that scares him more than he thought it ever would. He jumps in quickly and without thought.
“Be rational about this. Just because you feel guilty for a matter you could not control doesn't mean you should throw away this thesis too.”
“You don't understand!... You won't ever understand– Archons you're far too deep in your own head to ever understand.” He stresses, looking like he's come to an epiphany. Alhaitham desperately wants to know what that epiphany entails.
“Calm down, getting aggravated won't solve any of our problems.”
“Alhaitham.” His restless gaze meets him, unnaturally sharp and a little wild. “You don't get to tell me to calm down. Where were you when our other members needed help? You decided they wouldn't be able to keep up, but you never once stood up to help them either. Was it to stroke your ego more? Get a little laugh because look how dumb they are and how smart you are compared to them.”
Alhaitham frowns, feeling the strike hit a chord. “What of you, then? You had given all of yourself to make sure they could keep up with a project that was well out of their skill. Did you do that just to add another stroke to your saviour complex?” It would probably be wise to stop himself now, and try to fix whatever was already breaking, but Alhaitham felt such a visceral need to continue speaking. To say what's been on his mind for years.
“All you ever do is help others with no care for how much you leave for yourself. Where has that left you now?” At this point, words tumbled out of his mouth with little to no accord. Sentences formed from thoughts he didn't even know he had, but the sting of irritation blurred his filter, picking every thought he'd seemingly had and transforming it into words meant to hurt and break the recipient.
The man fumes, clearly touched. “Alhaitham -”
“No, let me finish. Your beliefs are far too idealistic, and will never be the reality you so wish for it to be. You are constantly hurting and chipping away at yourself in hopes of pleasing just the one person. You are actively hurting yourself, and for what? All because of a guilt you deem is unforgivable, and you gave yourself punishment. You expect the world of yourself, yet nothing of others. When are you going to rest?!”
Alhaitham's voice gradually began to rise as he went on until his voice resonated throughout the entire library. All that was left in its wake was piercing silence and Alhaitham's shallow breaths. In this quiet, he could calm himself down and take a proper look at the man.
He looks shattered, eyes wide and glassy. Hurt is written so clearly all over his face that Alhaitham can't help but stagger, truly realising the graveness of his words. But he doesn’t speak, doesn't try to rectify anything. He's said what he needed to say, and they all came from a place of truth. Words from years of observation - memories so clear and true now-, tightly strewn together and delivered in possibly the harshest way Alhaitham could have ever said them, but true nonetheless. It’s this sudden recollection of memories that settles the hurt deep into his bones. Because of course he's managed to get into an argument with Kaveh, the only person he'd ever felt close to, sans his Grandma. Of course he's managed to annoy him too, like he has every other person under the sun.
It doesn't hurt any less, when Kaveh wordlessly grabs his bag from the floor, taking out a copy of the thesis they'd been working on. Sparing it a glance served to further pierce Alhaitham's heart.
“.. Please remove my name from the thesis.”
“... Kaveh.”
A resounding rip is heard throughout the library before he could continue. Alhaitham flinches at the sound.
“You're too.. I can't - I can't do this anymore. Gods, I wish we'd never met, Alhaitham.” His voice wobbles with the strain to push out his words, and he spares Alhaitham one last glance, letting the pieces of paper float from his reddened palms down to the ground. It feels final, a painful end to an era. Alhaitham watches helplessly as Kaveh walks away. His lips tremble minutely, clenching his hands at his sides to stop himself from saying anything more. He stands frozen as Kaveh walks out of his life.
__
Alhaitham awoke slowly.
He doesn’t yet attempt to shift from bed, merely blinking his eyes open. It was still dark, the peaks of sunlight barely making itself known in the corner of his room.
For once, getting up felt pointless. Where had he gotten the energy to get up before? His bones felt too heavy where they sank deeper into the mattress. His eyes wandered pointlessly around the room, unable to pick out the details of its interior but still trying to. He lost the fight not long after, resigning himself back to another few hours of sleep before trying again.
The next time he woke, the sun was shining brightly through the curtains and piercing Alhaitham's vision. He groaned, turning around and staring aimlessly at the wall of his bedroom. The feeling that kept him glued to his bed hadn't dimmed and seemed to have grown. Regardless, he forced himself to get up after a few minutes, feeling a tingle in his bladder.
The next few minutes blurred by, Alhaitham blinking slowly at the pot of water boiling, trying and failing to reorient himself. His mind flashed with images of before, when he’d felt content with his life with Kaveh - when he'd still been around. Archons, how many weeks has it been? How many years has it been? How was he expected to continue like this?
He thought back to his time with his nana, and how simple life was then. When he was too young to understand people's perception of him - when he was too young to care. “You're deserving of love, Haitham.” she would say, sitting him on her lap. “You will find someone to love.” She had said, even when he didn't know his parents, even though he had had no friends. “You will find someone who loves you too.” Even when she was all he had, she spoke the words with such truth and conviction that Alhaitham had no choice but to believe them.
And he did find someone to love, he came to realize. He had someone who he could see himself loving. Kaveh was that person to him, and he threw it all away. Alhaitham blinked, and he saw Kaveh's hurt expression. He would shut his eyes tight, and see him walk away. And he can't help but think how this wouldn't have happened if he wasn't who he was—if he had been more emotionally sensitive like Kaveh, if he had understood people's emotions better—if he had understood Kaveh better.
Alhaitham flinched at the whistling piercing his ears, and he shut the stove off, moving the kettle to another plate. He realised belatedly that he felt numb, and he clenched his hand to return some feeling into them, heaving out the breath he'd unknowingly held in.
The Scribe took his time to regain his senses, blinking against the moisture pooling his vision. It wouldn’t help to dwell on the past. He gets the faint feeling none of this is real, anyway. There's something he's missing, an integral thing that's slipped away from his fingers. He tries to latch on, unfamiliar and uncomfortable with the gap of memory. He felt like Kaveh was still here. He was here, wasn't he? A part of Alhaitham knew he hadn't gone. But he had left, Alhaitham watched him leave with his very own two eyes. He couldn't fool himself into thinking otherwise.
But…
The sound of a door creaking open jolted Alhaitham out of his thoughts, and he grew tense immediately. All noise faded away to the lazy pitter-patter of footsteps sounding against the wood floors, and for a jarring moment Alhaitham thought there was a stranger in his house, but… he recognized those footfalls, the rhythm of it, and he stuttered in his movements, pushing himself off the counter and rounding the corner to make sure. Make sure he hadn’t been going crazy.
And there he was, palm pressed against his eye as he suppressed a yawn. His hair was messy with sleep, deep red lines on the side of his face that suspiciously took the shape of a stencil– but it was him. Kaveh was there. He, who noticed Alhaitham's presence and made eye contact, and Archons.
Alhaitham stared in silent shock at Kaveh's figure. For a second, he had forgotten what it was like to live with Kaveh, to have a part of him so thoroughly empty that some days he couldn't even find it in him to get up. Quietly, his brain filled in the details he had missed.
It was a dream.
The dream - nightmare, had felt so realistic that Alhaitham had almost thought it nothing but truth. But here, Kaveh was staring at him with increasing worry, his brows creased in concern. Alhaitham didn't think he could muster any words, he felt like he'd break if he even attempted.
So wordlessly, he trudged up to Kaveh and pulled him in for a hug, tucking his head in his neck and breathing. Immediately, the scent of padisarahs and lavender overwhelmed his senses. It was so intrinsically Kaveh that Alhaitham took a shuddering breath, holding the architect closer to him.
At the back of his mind, Alhaitham registered a feeling of embarrassment at being fooled by a dream, of all things, but it was hard to concentrate on that when Kaveh tentatively wrapped his arms around him too, squeezing just as tight. Tears blurred his vision, and Alhaitham let out a deep breath at the touch. They stayed like that, wrapped around each other in the kitchen's entrance.
“..Alhaitham?” came Kaveh’s tentative voice, breaking the fragile silence between the two. “Are.. you okay? Did something happen?”
He sounded so worried about an issue that... admittedly, did concern him. But he didn’t feel deserving of such, not when he would chastise Kaveh for feeling such a way to other people. Archons, Kaveh kept up with so much of his nonsense, was there a limit to how much more he could take? Before he had enough? Did he want to test that fate, if it meant there was a chance for Kaveh to leave again? He couldn’t. Kaveh left him once before, he won’t give him a second chance to.
And with that, he released his grip on the architect, a sorry on his lips as he wiped his eyes for tears yet to shed. He avoided eye contact as he spoke, “Ignore all of that. It was all just a bad dream.”
He doesn't look up when he takes a step back away from him, eyes staying on the floor to avoid the surely inquisitive, judging gaze of Kaveh. “I’ll.. I should get going.” With that, he excuses himself.
He takes quick, measured steps to his bedroom, speeding to get his work clothes on to get out the house as soon as possible. He ignores the eyes that follow him, and acts like he can't see Kaveh standing in the same spot he’d left him when he leaves the house.