Chapter Text
The first thing that came into his mind when he thought about his childhood was the circus. He wasn’t sure if he should be sad or happy about it, but he didn’t waste his energy with thinking about it for too long. Back then he was six years old, his Brother was four and they still lived in London.
He still could remember the feeling of excitement when he heard of the circus for the first time. It had been in the city when they wanted to buy a new set of clothes from the tailor.
Sirius had fidgeted the whole time while he was being measured. When it was Regulus’s turn, Sirius had to leave the shop because appearently he couldn’t behave. At least, that’s what his mother had said.
It was a cold day, foggy and the clouds hung low over the city making it seem even greyer then usual. The few people, that were still on the street, hurried towards their homes in thoughts already sitting in front of their warm fires.
Sirius didn’t want to go home. He didn’t want to be here either. The only thing that kept him in an alright mood were the colourful posters that hung everywhere you looked. They were so prominent because they formed such a stark contrast to the rest of the city, they were nearly bursting with colour.
He also still could remember the feeling of prickling disappointment too when he asked his parents if they could go. The only answer he got was:‘‘Circuses are just a waste of time and money. They are dirty. They are places for animals or people who try their best to be animals themselves. Don’t give your brother wrong ideas.‘‘
When he looked back on it now, he always asked himself why he even borthered to hope. Of course his parents would say no to a visit. He listend to stories of the wonders that took place in the circustent that was set up on a field in the outskirts of the city and the more he heard of them, the more he wanted to see them with his own eyes.
A few days later luck struck. His parents often were travelling without their children and this weekend was no different. It was a business trip to France where they would live a few days with the brother of his mother and his family. Sirius wasn’t told the exact reason for the trip what didn’t really upset him at that moment because he was too busy with making a plan.
In their absence they often left them in the care of their governante. She gave them lessons in good manners and etiquette as well as French but they changed every few months because Walburga often found them to be inadequate.
The women who they had at the time was called Emilie. She was young and a little bit naïve. At least that was what Walburga liked to say all the time. Because of that Sirius was pretty sure she wouldn’t last that long even though she was emloyed for just a few weeks.
But right now her naïveté worked quite well with him, was even an important part of his plan, because as he asked her if she would go to the circus with him and Regulus she said yes without even making a big fuss about it. Sirius saw that his brother wasn’t that happy about ignoring their parents orders but he didn’t complain when he put his shoes and coat on. So, when the snow began to melt and the circus already had stayed for a few weeks, he finally had his way.
Th feelings that he felt there would stay in his memory for years. From a distance, you could smell the sweet scent of popcorn mixed with the damp scent of fur that hung heavy in the still cold winter air.
While they stood in line, Emilie, because apparently she couldn’t let her job just be her job, began to tell them about the origins of the word circus. Sirius didn't hear any of it because he was far too excited to stand still. Already all of this amazed him. The circus tent was so huge, red and white striped, and the path leading up to it was lit beautifully to balance out the slowly setting sun. Sirius's gaze wandered and then settled finally. On a boy. The boy was around his age and stood on the other side of the fence, watching the people waiting for their turn on the ticket booth.
While a child was nothing unusual in this surrounding, there was something about him that caught Sirius's attention. His skin was darker than his and his black hair was messy like he couldn’t care less about it. He looked exactly like one of the kids that his mother always warned him about. When their eyes met a grin spread on the face of the other boy showing off a rather impressive gap in his teeth.
Sirius smiled back and was about to wave when a figure appeared behind the boy. He didn't hear the words that were spoken, but the boy and the figure disappeared shortly afterward in the direction of the tent. Sirius couldn’t help but feel a little bit disappointed.
But when they finally arrived at the ticket booth, Sirius and even Regulus were still practically vibrating from excitement. When they stepped through the gate, it was as if they had found the entrance to another world. What followed was a little blurred in his memory, a fog full of music and lights, a wonder that settled so deep in his bones that it would never truly go away.
As they left the circus tent, he was firmly convinced it had to be magic. How else could people balance on such a thin rope with nothing but an umbrella? How else could the juggler keep so many balls in the air at once? How else could the big man keep the lions at bay? He didn’t think about the boy behind the fence anymore.
He knew that Regulus was just as spell bound as he was, by the magic of the circus. He saw it in the twinkle in his eyes. Their high spirits lasted as long as the walk home was, for as they stepped through the front door, they were greeted by the stone-faced Kreacher, his parents' loyal servant and driver, who followed them nearly everywhere.
That he was standing there now meant that his parents were back too. "Masters Regulus and Sirius. Your parents want to talk to you." Regulus and he exchanged a glance. Back then, they could still do that. Communicate with just a glance, sometimes have entire conversations without saying a word.
He could still remember the conversation that followed, even though he wished he couldn’t. He said it had been his idea, as always. His parents believed him immediately. He was already expecting his punishment, but instead, he was told to pack his most important things, Regulus too, and that they would be leaving tomorrow morning, with Kreacher bringing the rest.
When he asked why he should do that, their father replied, "We're moving. It will be good for you to be closer to your Uncle Cygnus and your cousins. They'll be able to teach you much better than all those cheeky girls who have been doing it so far. Now hurry up and pack and then go to bed right away. I think your day has been exciting enough, and you've certainly stuffed yourself with popcorn, so you will hardly need any dinner.‘‘
So, due to a lack of other things to do, they did just that. They packed their things, with Sirius helping Regulus a little, and went to bed with growling stomachs, which wasn't pleasant but also not particularly bad, because Sirius had expected a worse punishment. It didn't take long before sleep came, accompanied by a dream. He couldn't remember it exactly. Only that he was still filled with a feeling of lightness. A little like happiness, but not quite.
The next day they moved. To France. And indeed, they were taught by their cousins. They never saw Emilie again.
...
"Wait for me, you're going much too fast!"
His brother's voice only made him slow down a little.
"If you hurried a bit more, I wouldn't have to wait."
He murmured, pushing his way through the crowd, keeping an eye out for his uncle. Regulus, who had caught up, gasped a little. "That is unfair you have longer legs."
When they reached Alphard, he took them in his arms. Their parents had allowed them to visit their uncle while they were traveling for a week, but they had insisted that their cousins had to come along. "Alphard is as much your uncle as he is Sirius‘s and Regulus's."
As they made their way to Alphard's house, Sirius saw something that made his heart race. It had been four years since he'd last seen it, but at the time, it seemed much longer.
"A circus! Can we go there?" he excitedly exclaimed.
"I don't think Mother would approve," Regulus said at the same time as Bellatrix laughed: "A circus is only for small children."
But Alphard just smiled. "My sister wouldn't be happy about it at all, but she's not here. I think we could definitely treat ourselves to a visit to the circus. If you, Bellatrix, don't want to come, you can always do something else in the time."
And so it was that the five of them set off that evening. With his three cousins, Andromeda (who had absolutely no objection to coming along), Bellatrix (who, after some snorting, had decided it wouldn't hurt to come along, even if it was just to drive Sirius crazy), and Narcissa (who hadn't said what she thought about it).
Sirius was filled with joyful anticipation and could hardly bear to sit still. They lined up, Alphard paid for the tickets, and they entered the tent. They took their seats, and the show began. Sirius realized that his memory had betrayed him. Everything was much better than he had imagined.
There was a short break while the set was being rearranged. Alphard excused himself briefly. Bellatrix did the same a short time later, but while Andromeda and Narcissa were engaged in conversation, Sirius saw that Bellatrix had disappeared in exactly the same direction as Alphard.
He got up and ran after her. He didn't know exactly which way they had gone and ended up behind the tent. It was a relatively big area with a lot of smaller tentson it. As he was about to quietly call out Alphards name, he saw two performers approaching. Suddenly he was no longer so sure that he was allowed to be there and quickly hid behind a container.
"What are you doing here?"
He jumped and turned around. A boy was standing behind him. He looked vaguely familiar, but it wasn't until the boy grinned that Sirius remembered him. He had seen him on his first visit to the circus. On the other side of the fence. Now, a few years later he still had the same smile, only missing the teeth gap.
"I don't think you're allowed to be here. But it's fine with me. I'm James."
The boy held out a hand. His skin was darker than Sirius's, there was dirt under his nails, and his clothes were old and dusty, as if he'd been playing on the floor. He was exactly the kind of person his mother would have dragged him away from.
He could almost hear her words in his head: "Don't touch him. He's dirty."
He smiled back as he reached for his hand.
"I'm Sirius."
"I take it you're a spectator? I think the show's about to start again, so you should go back." He frowned briefly. "Why are you even back here?"
"I'm looking for my uncle. He left, and I wanted to get him back before it starts."
"Your uncle? I didn't see him. But I can keep an eye out for him."
"That would be nice."
They just stood there for a moment. It was a little bit awkward and Sirius really didn't want to miss the show, but it had been a long time since he'd met anyone new who could be considered a friend.
James, who seemed to feel the same way, said, "I can take you to the entrance of the tent, but I can't come in. Perhaps we could meet there again after the show? Or-‘‘
Music could be heard from the tent. Both looked towards the entrance.
"It's starting again. You should go, I'll explain the rest later."
Sirius nodded in agreement, and they quickly walked back in the direction he had come from. As he plopped down in his seat, Regulus nudged him with his elbow. "Where have you been? And where are Alphard and Bellatrix?"
"I don't know." Sirius shrugged. Just before Regulus could answer, Bellatrix returned.
He couldn't really enjoy the rest of the show, since where before his uncle had shielded him from his cousins, there was now no one to stop him from the nasty comments Bellatrix whispered to her little sister. Only shortly before the end Alphard did return and sit down. When asked where he had been, he only gave an evasive answer.
When they stepped out of the tent, it was cold and dark. Sirius looked around. He couldn't see James anywhere.
"What are you looking for?" Bellatrix had appeared right next to him.
"Nothing."
He quickly turned away and kept his gaze lowered so if James tried to talk to him he would, hopefully, understand that that wasn’t a good idea. When his brother looked at him questioningly, he gave him a look that he hoped would tell him they would talk later, when they were alone.
…
When they got home and finally were allowed to go upstairs Regulus climbed into his brother's bed.
"Where have you been?" he asked, making himself comfortable.
"While I was looking for Alphard, a boy caught me sneaking around. He was about my age. I actually wanted to see him after the show, but we went home too quickly. I'd love to meet him again!" He thought for a moment. "Maybe I could sneak over again." He said something about later tonight.‘‘
‘‘Sirius, it's far too dangerous. If Bellatrix catches you-‘'
‘'I'll make sure that doesn't happen.‘‘
‘‘You have no idea who they are. How do you know they won't hurt you at the circus?‘'
'‘Reggie, this could be my chance to make friends. Real friends, the likes of which I haven't had since the move.‘'
'‘But you have me.‘' '‘That's right. Do you want to come with me?‘'
'‘No.‘'
'‘Then I'll just go without you!‘'
…
That's exactly what he did. Before midnight, he sneaked out of the house. When he arrived at the circus, it was dark; none of the pretty lights were left. The red stripes appeared black. Suddenly, he felt uneasy about being there alone at night. He gathered all his courage and went ahead, the way he had been walking just a few hours ago. Only when he reached the gate in the fence he did realize he had no idea how to get in.
"James?" he whispered.
When there was no answer, he said a A little louder, "James!"
Again no reaction. He considered whether he could manage to climb over the fence but ultimately decided against it. He wouldn't be able to do it in the dark. Just as he was about to try to call out again, he saw a light shining behind a tree just a few steps away.
Then- "Sirius?" A whisper, just loud enough to make him jump in alarm. The boy came out from behind the tree, holding an oil lamp that gave off just enough light to make out his face.
"I've been waiting for you. I hoped that you would show up even if I wasn’t able to invite you properly. We can't get through the gate even if I had the keys. It squeaks far too loudly."
Instead, he led them along the fence. He stopped, almost on the opposite side of where Sirius thought the gate was, where there was only grass and no houses in sight. He pointed to the ground with the oil lamp.
"We dug a hole in the earth here so that you can crawl through it."
He let Sirius go first, handed him the lamp through the bars, and then crawled after him.
"Every time we arrive somewhere new, this is the first thing we do. Scout the area and make sure there's a private entrance. You must know the area well, right?"
As they walked, James took the lamp back.
"No, not really. I'm just here with my brother and cousins to visit my uncle."
"A brother! That must be great. Having siblings, I mean."
James led him into the circus tent. It looked completely different than it had just a few hours earlier. The colorful lights were missing, the music was missing, the people, both performers and spectators, were missing.
"We're here," he said whispering. "We just have to be careful to be quiet, because it's technically not allowed to go into the big Chapiteau alone at night, but we've gotten pretty good at sneaking out."
He had often noticed that James spoke in the plural, even though he obviously had no siblings. "We?"
"We. We circus children." With these words, he pulled back a piece of fabric, revealing a separate area.
A couple of oil lamps provided just enough light to make out two more figures. With an inviting gesture, James indicated Sirius to step forward.
"May I introduce you? This is Evan and Peter." He turned to Sirius. "Actually, there are a few more of us. Where is Pandora, anyway?"
A boy with light-blond, almost white hair answered. "She wanted to do something with her tarot cards. I reminded her about the meeting, but apparently what the tarot cards said was more important." The boy looked at Sirius curiously. "What's your name?"
"My name is Sirius. I assume you're all children of the artists who perform here in the circus?"
James now joined the conversation again. "Yes, that's right. Evan is part of the Rosier family. His sister Pandora isn't here today. Their parents are the magician couple." He added the last sentence as if to explain why tarot cards would be a plausible reason not to come to a meeting.
"Then there's Peter. His mother is the ticket seller. Remus was actually going to come too. Oh, and myself. I'm the son of Effie and Fleamont Potter, the ringmasters. They‘re basically the second in command. " He said that with a lot of pride in his voice.
As he spoke, he sat down on the sand covered floor and looked up expectantly. Sirius took this as an invitation to sit down, which he did after brief hesitation. If his parents had seen him sitting here, on the filthy floor with even filthier children, as his mother would have put it, he would have been immediately dragged away and punished in the worst way possible. He reminded himself that they weren't around and distracted himself with a question.
"If your parents work here, what do you do all day? It must be exciting, traveling so much!"
"Most of the time it's tiring." It was the first time the other boy had spoken. He had light brown hair and an annoying habit of sniffing.
"We have to help our parents whenever we can. When we're not busy doing that, we practice." Before Sirius could ask another question, they heard footsteps approaching.
"Quick, lights out and be quiet!" James whispered.
It happened within seconds, as if rehearsed. The blond boy and the girl turned out the lamps, and then they all held their breath. Sirius didn't want to imagine what would happen if he were discovered. Silently, the footsteps came closer and closer. Then the curtain was torn aside.
"James?"
A sigh of relief came from the boy, and Sirius felt him sit up beside him. "Remus. Why did you have to scare us like that?"
‘‘I had to, because I was supposed to help my father check all the cages one last time. He heard noises and was about to come here himself. I already told you that if we meet, we should do it even later!"
It was dark, but from the voice, Sirius could tell it was a boy about the same age.
"You're probably right. I'll bring our guest out and then we'll go to bed. We'll meet a little later tomorrow."
"Guest?" A rustling sound as if the boy were moving uneasily.
"Yes, I picked him up from behind the tent today during the introductions. If you want, Sirius, you can come back tomorrow. Then I can introduce you to the others."
Shortly afterward, James led him to the exit.
…
Over the next few days, this became routine. While he did the things Alphard had planned for them during the day, he waited for the right time to head out to the field at night. So it was that the next night, after the clock struck one, he was already dressed and ready to leave in his room. He had obeyed James' instructions to arrive later, which also meant that by the time he arrived at the big chapiteau, he hadn't gotten a second's sleep. At that moment, the prospect of another meeting and the excitement that came with sneaking around kept him awake and alert.
As he reached the entrance gate, the light was just approaching again.
"I thought I'd better pick you up. It's dark, after all, and I don't want you to get hurt on the way."
"That's nice. Are the others back?"
"Yes. I managed to gather everyone together this time. You'll meet them soon."
Shortly after, they crept back to the dark tent. As they entered, quiet whispering could be heard.
"Shh, there are footsteps!"
"It's only James!"
"Everyone be quiet, though!"
Sirius recognized the last voice as that of the boy who had told them yesterday to start later. Beside him, James giggled, put a finger to his lips, and pointed with his other hand to the corner behind which, from the sound of it, a whole gang of children were hiding. Sirius understood what he wanted, and they crept closer until they were right next to the entrance.
"The footsteps are gone."
"Maybe it was a ghost."
James raised his hand, three fingers extended, then lowered one by one. When he reached zero—a closed fist—he ripped the fabric aside and shouted. Sirius had stayed behind and now laughed as quietly as he could manage. A gasp and a little scream escaped one of those present.
"James! That was way too loud!‘'
'‘Oh, come on, it's the middle of the night, everyone's asleep, and there are the tent walls in between. It doesn't matter now! May I introduce you all to Sirius? He was here yesterday.‘'
The eyes of the children sitting in front of him turned to him. He grinned and waved at them. A girl with long white hair waved back. She looked very similar to the boy sitting next to her that he already knew from yesterday.
'‘Hello Sirius. I'm Pandora, Evan's older twin sister.‘' This somewhat contradictory statement caused the boy next to her, Evan, to snort quietly.
'‘I wasn't here yesterday because I still had to read the tarot cards. My mother gave them to me because she thought something she'd read had something to do with me. It's nice to meet you.'‘ she concluded her introduction. She looked at him kindly, but her big, bright eyes irritated him a little too much, and with a nod, he turned to the new boy.
He had already seen him yesterday, or rather heard him when he warned James to be quiet. Now in the better light, Sirius could see him better. He had brown hair and was rather lanky.
"I'm Remus," was all he said.
Sirius decided to sit between Peter and James. The latter looked at Sirius meaningfully.
"We're the circus children. That means we have to stick together against the adults. An outsider being invited has never happened before. You have to promise not to say a word to anyone."
He paused, and Sirius quickly nodded.
"I promise!"
"Well, then we can keep inviting you. You said yesterday that you were only here to visit your uncle. That means you'll be leaving soon. Where are you from, actually?"
"From France. My family lives in Paris. But before that, we lived in London. However, my parents wanted my brother and me to live closer to the other part of the family. Apparently, our cousins are supposed to be a good influence on us.’‘
The conversation continued. They chatted for several more hours, but they yawned more and more. When Sirius finally left, the clock had already struck three. Back home, he collapsed into bed and fell asleep before he could do anything else.
…
As the week progressed, it became increasingly clear that he wasn't getting enough sleep. He forced himself to stay awake until 1:00 a.m., usually staying with the circus children for three hours, and then heading back to get another two or three hours of sleep. It became harder every day to keep his eyes open, but he couldn't stop. There with these children in this tent, he felt like he had made true friends. With each day, it also became harder to push away thoughts of their approaching departure.
He had asked James, and James had told him they would be leaving before Sirius returned to Paris. The third and last night came much too quickly, even though he was only just getting to know the others. He quickly noticed how the dynamics within the group worked.
Evan and Pandora kept to themselves a bit. They often whispered together about things Sirius had no idea about. While it took Peter a little time to warm up to Sirius, it soon became apparent that he was actually quite funny. James was the leader. The others listened to him. He was funny and loud and commanded the room. Remus, on the other hand, was a little bit of a mystery to Sirius. He didn't speak much, but when he did, it was usually to tame James's exuberance or to change the subject if Peter was too often the victim of the general amusement.
Only now, on the third night, the coldest so far, he did learn something about Remus that surprised him. It began like the previous meetings. James picked him up with a lamp, and they crept across the field to get to the tent where the others would already be waiting for them. This night, they were again incomplete. Only Peter and Remus were waiting for them as he pushed the heavy fabric aside.
"Where are the twins?" he asked, because at least Evan had always been there.
"They just said they wanted to prepare something. What exactly they wanted to do they didn’t say.'‘
'‘We were just thinking about what to show you today. You know that everything is always carefully packed away after the show, so today is the last day it would be possible to take anything out. Tomorrow, after the last show, everything will be put away for good, and then we will leave in the evening, at sunset.‘'
Sirius swallowed and nodded, he already knew that.
'‘We thought if we were clever about it, you could come straight after the show, sometime early in the evening, so we can say our goodbyes?‘'
'‘That's a good idea.‘'
'‘Or-'‘ James suggested excitedly. '‘You come with us! I only had the idea this morning. I mean, actually travel around with us. I'm sure my parents would allow it! You could sleep in my tent and-'‘ Before he could continue, Peter interrupted him.
'‘James. He can't just do that. His parents would have to allow it, and they live a long way away. Besides, you haven't even asked him if he wants to do this.‘'
James turned to Sirius expectantly. The spark of excitement he had felt at James's offer was dampened by Peter's objection.
'‘My parents would never allow me to do this.‘' He let his shoulders slump in disappointment. The mere thought of traveling around with the circus had made his heart race.
'‘But what is it that you want?'‘ He looked at Remus in astonishment.
'‘Of course I do. I've had more fun here than I remember ever having before.'‘ A brief hesitation. '‘Apart from the fact that my parents would never agree, I can't leave my brother alone either.‘'
'‘He can come too!'‘ This time James didn't sound quite as convinced by his own argument.
Sirius also voiced his concerns. '‘It would be impossible to convince my parents to let me go. But then my brother? Impossible!‘'
James grumbled a little more, but finally decided to drop the subject for the time being. Instead, they turned to more pressing issues, which included finally showing Sirius some of what they had learned. The others disappeared briefly while he waited in the ring, returning shortly after with their hands full of various objects. When Sirius examined them more closely, he realized they were balls and skittles.
"We thought we'd teach you how to juggle." Sirius was thrilled.
"You can do that?"
"One of our easiest exercises."
A little later, the balls were flying. Although Sirius had actually wanted to practice with skittles, as he had seen during the show, the others thought balls would be better for beginners. And although he insisted on wanting to learn, he listened to them. James, in particular, and, to Sirius's surprise, Peter, gave him some very good advice, and soon he was juggling three balls.
"You're not bad at it!"
Sirius was pleased by the praise from Remus, who was standing next to them. While he was learning the basics, Evan and Pandora had appeared and started rehearsing a much more advanced version. They had brought a long beam that was about a foot off the ground and just wide enough to fit a foot on. Evan walked across it while Pandora threw him one ball after another for Evan to pick up. When a ball fell, she picked it up and he carried on as before. Sirius was impressed by this display of skill and watched as he stepped off the beam. With Evan standing beside her, ready to help her in an emergency, Sirius assumed, she held out her hands and swung herself into a handstand.
He found that impressive in itself, but it got even better when she started walking. It was a bit wobbly and she only took a few steps before she rolled back onto her feet, but far more gracefully than an ten-year-or-something -old should have been able to. He applauded enthusiastically and exclaimed.
"I'd love to be able to do that! Can you show me how?" and so he spent the next few minutes trying to achieve the straightest and most stable handstand possible. When he'd seen the performers in the circus do it, it all looked so easy, but now he painfully realized that it actually wasn't that simple.
"For starters, it's best to lean on the wall or have someone help you."
Because there was no stable wall, he had to make do with the second option. He often had too much momentum and made an unintentional somersault, each landing making his butt hurt, but he'd set his mind on something and wasn't about to give up. At least the sand covering the entire floor in the ring made for a slightly softer and also quieter landing. It was still the middle of the night, after all, and Remus never tired of stressing that they should be quiet.
Sirius only gave up after standing for a few seconds, his legs held by Evan. Sweaty and dirty, but satisfied, he sank to the floor, this time deliberately. The others sat down as well, forming a circle.
More time had passed than he'd thought, and Peter suggested that Sirius should go soon. Before he could do so, James reminded him of the planned farewell meeting the following afternoon.
"If we do this, I'll have to pretend to be sick, otherwise my cousins would never let me leave unsupervised. Maybe I can convince Regulus to cover for me."
"Then it's settled."
Once again, he was escorted outside by James. Once again, he returned to his bed under the cover of darkness, his mind filled with sleepy anticipation of the previous day. Once again, he was tired enough to fall asleep as soon as his head touched the pillow. The dark pair of eyes that followed him as he climbed through the window, however, were wide awake.
…
When he awoke the next day, it was much too late. He realized this quite quickly because when he opened his eyes ther was a figure standing over him, casting a shadow over him, so he could just make out the silhouette. That meant the sun had already risen.
"Sirius, we wanted to leave early to make the most of your last day in London!"
His uncle didn't sound particularly angry, if anything, a little amused.
"Uh, I'm not feeling well." Was Sirius's reply.
"Oh, what's wrong? Nothing serious, I hope?"
Before he could answer, Bellatrix's voice reached him.
"Oh, surely my dearest cousin is exaggerating. The poor little baby has probably just caught a bit of a cold!" While she spoke, she placed her hand on his forehead in mock concern. At the touch of her cold hand, everything inside him shrank.
"Probably didn't sleep well last night, eh? But, I have to say, that it is quite difficult to have a good sleep with the window wide open!"
Sirius held his breath. She knew it. He hadn't been careful enough. She would tell his Parents. A quick glance to Regulus confirmed that he couldn't expect any help from him. However, he couldn't be sure how much she knew, and under no circumstances was he going to give her any chance to find out more.
"I like to leave the window open when I'm sleeping and not feeling well. The fresh air often helps." Yes, that had been good.
"Do you think you should stay here to rest?" his uncle chimed in frowning a little bit. "If so, then someone else should stay here to look after you." When Sirius saw the mean glint in his cousin's eyes, he realized that his plans for the day were ruined.
"I could-" he interrupted her.
"No, I don't think that's necessary. I'm well enough to come, and I don't want to waste the last day." If they were ruined, then at least he could salvage his sanity, which would certainly have been in disrepair after a day alone with Bellatrix.
So he quickly got dressed and left the house with the others shortly after. His coat couldn't quite keep out the cold, gray fog, and he shivered. The thought that his only chance to see his friends was now lost brought tears to his eyes. His mother would say that crying was a weakness he shouldn't develop, so he bit the inside of his cheek.
The day passed quickly, much too quickly. That day, Alphard had thought about going cycling with them. Normally, Sirius would have been thrilled, but not today. As the sun sank lower and lower in the afternoon, he became increasingly nervous. The circus would leave that evening, after the last show, at sunset.
That afternoon they finally went home. Apologizing that he wasn't feeling so well, he retreated to the room he had shared with Regulus during their stay. Regulus, however, followed him.
"Regulus, can you please cover for me? I have to at least be able to say goodbye to my friends.‘‘
Regulus bit his lip and thought for a moment.
'‘You mean your friends from the circus? Come on, how important could they be to you? You've only known them for three days.‘‘
'‘They're very important to me! Please, I don't have much more time!'‘
A moment of silence, then: '‘Alright, Sirius.‘'
Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. '‘Thank you.'‘
Without wasting any more time, he climbed out the window. He had never run so fast down the path to the field. The sun was almost set. He almost ran into an elderly woman when she unexpectedly stopped to look for something she had dropped on the ground. He would be there in a minute, just a few more meters, then turn the corner and he would see the tent. He turned the corner and came to a stop.
Where the tent had been, there was only a circle of dry grass to be seen. No sign of the performers, no sign of his friends. He was breathing heavily. He ran the last few meters to the spot where it previously stood. Disappointment spread through him. It brought tears to his eyes again. Next came anger. If only Regulus hadn't stopped him, if only Alphard hadn't had so much planned for today, if only Bellatrix hadn't crossed his plans this morning.
Now they were gone. On the train to their next destination and- a thought came to him, just a tiny spark of hope. Maybe, just maybe, they were at the train station. They would leave at sunset. The sun still gave him some light. If he hurried, he could still make it. He turned toward the station and was about to start running when a hand landed on his shoulder. He jumped and had a deja-vu for a moment thinking that it was James there behind him.
"Where do you think you are going now?" asked the voice of his most hated cousin.
She took him home. All he got from Alphard was a gentle scolding, but he knew that when they went to Paris tomorrow, Bellatrix would tell his parents. When he looked around for his brother, he couldn't meet his eyes. Anger rose again at having been betrayed like this. He reminded himself, however, that Bellatrix already knew that he sneaked away at night to channel his anger at her. It didn't quite work, though.
The journey home was torture. Sitting still had never been Sirius's strong suit, but now in the silence of the train compartment, it was even harder than before. He would have liked to catch up on the week of sleep he had missed, but he was far too tense. So he contented himself with looking out the window. Then they changed to the ferry and then back onto the train.
When they arrived home, Sirius wanted nothing more than to lie down and sleep, but his parents had other plans. There was a stiff dinner during which nobody spoke. Bellatrix gave Sirius nothing but malicious looks the whole time. She waited for the meal to end, for the right moment to tell his parents everything.
Something like fear spread through him. He shifted in his chair, which of course immediately led to a reproachful look from his mother and the words: "Sirius, stop fidgeting, you're not a toddler anymore."
He tried to pull himself together. After dinner, he went to his room and unpacked his things from the trunk. Before he finished his work, Kreacher called him downstairs. On the way down, he passed Regulus's room.
He was standing in his half-open door, his hand on the doorknob, as if he couldn't decide whether to go in or out. Sirius stopped in front of him as Regulus grabbed his wrist.
"Sirius. I'm sorry. She left me no choice.‘' He whispered, but looked intently into Sirius's eyes. His own eyes were large and round.
'‘It's okay. We'll talk later.'‘ With that, he freed himself and made his way to his father's study.
…
Later that night, he heard the floor creak softly under light footsteps. The door was cautiously opened and closed shortly after.
'‘Sirius?'‘ his brother's voice.
He carefully sat up, but he couldn't help flinching. His body still ached from his father's beating.
'‘Does it hurt a lot?'‘ asked Regulus, coming a little closer.
'‘It's alright. It could have been worse.‘‘ he answered truthfully. A few blows were a comparatively mild punishment. '‘They were probably only being so merciful because they didn't know I'd been sneaking away the whole time. Bellatrix only knew about the two times.'‘
A brief silence. "Can I sleep in your room?" his little brother's voice sounded reserved. He was probably still ashamed of having betrayed Sirius to Bellatrix. Suddenly, Sirius realized he'd barely spent any time with him in the last few days. He smiled a little.
"Of course." He slid to the side and pulled up the covers. A peace offering. "Shall I tell you a story?" he asked once Regulus had settled down next to him. He nodded excitedly.
Sirius thought for a moment, then began to tell a story about a girl with white hair and big eyes in a red dress.
"But Sirius, there are no people with white hair." Regulus remarked in a sleepy voice. He fought to keep his eyes open.
"Yes, there are. I've met some myself!" he said.
Regulus frowned but didn't discuss it further, except for the barely audible words, "Probably in that strange circus," already halfway into dreamland.
Sirius, however, stayed awake and thought. Yes, that strange circus. It had been barely two days since he'd last seen the circus children, yet he missed them terribly. Not only them, but also the feeling he had with them. He didn't yet have a proper name for this feeling, but he knew it had something to do with being able to do whatever he wanted. The next day, to feel that feeling again, he resumed practicing his handstand, late in the evening when there was no longer any danger of being caught.
…
Time passed, and Sirius improved. He'd tried other tricks, like imitating Pandora and walking on his hands. After failing miserably one evening, causing a loud thud that drew unwanted attention, he decided to postpone his further practice. Instead of practicing in his cramped room, he only did it whenever he wasn't home. Finally he had learned his lesson about sneaking out.
Escaping from his room would have been difficult anyway, as it was on the second floor. It was larger than Regulus's, he was the firstborn after all, but the view from his window was sobering. It simply showed the cobblestone street and the houses on the opposite side, whereas you could look trough Regulus's window, even though his room was just a few meters down the corridor, to another street that was much less busy. Further back, one could even see all the way to the edge of the woods.
Even if he could manage to climb out and down without breaking his neck, there was no way he could do it unnoticed. Below him lay the parlor.
That's why he had started practicing it at school, during recess, or sneaking out on his way to or from school to the outskirts of town where there weren’t many people, since the forest began right after a narrow patch of grass. He walked a little bit along the meadow each time, as otherwise there was a risk of being seen from his house.
Regulus didn't like these excursions at all, but Sirius insisted that he come along to assist him or to keep watch.
Regulus, in turn, insisted on whining the whole time. "If we get caught, we'll be in so much trouble." or "Why are you so obsessed with learning these circus tricks?" or "School starts in a few minutes, we have to hurry!" or, his favorite: "Siri, I'm bored!"
Sirius's patience was running out. His replies were usually calm: "That's why you're here, to make sure we don't get caught!" or "I'm not obsessed, I just enjoy it." or "I'll be done in a minute. Let me try one more time.'‘
But the constant expressions of boredom were getting on his nerves. He had never understood how anyone could be bored when they were outside, free from the house and their parents. Regulus was different. He was content to sit on his bed and read, usually the books their parents had approved. He rarely managed to sneak in another book, just sometimes a gift from Alphard. That's why Regulus loved the stories Sirius told him. Spoken words couldn't be taken away, they belonged only to the person who spoke them and the person who listened.
'‘Reg, if you're so bored, just join in!‘'
'‘I don't want to break my neck!‘'
'‘You're such a coward. I'm here to look after you. I promise you, nothing will happen.'‘
For these last words, he had straightened up and was now standing directly in front of his little brother. Regulus snorted.
"It doesn't matter now anyway, we have to go, class starts soon."
…
But ever since he had the idea of teaching his brother his favorite activity, it hadn't left his mind. He worked on Regulus until he agreed. Sirius showed him what he thought was the simplest exercise: how to do a cartwheel. When Regulus tried it, he failed and landed on the floor. Sirius thought about what he had done wrong, then corrected him.
"You need more momentum. Don't be so afraid, I'm here."
Regulus straightened up, dusted off his trousers, and had a determined expression on his face. In some ways, they weren't so different. They both shared the urge to pursue something to perfection. The next time, it worked better. And so it went on. Until it didn’t.
…
Several months had passed now. Sirius had also begun to consider trees as his play area. He climbed up and balanced on the branches until they became too thin to go any further. He had also acquired juggling balls, which he had traded at school. They didn't look alike, but they were the same weight and almost the same size.
On this day, however, the balls were lying unused in Regulus' room, under the loose floorboard where his forbidden books were. Another advantage of his room over Sirius's. Which annoyed him only a little bit. That day, while Sirius was climbing around in the tree, Regulus injured himself trying to imitate his brother. He had chosen a different tree and climbed it up with surprising agility.
When his shout was heard, followed by a dull thud, sobs, and tears, Sirius reacted as quickly as possible, climbing halfway down the tree and jumping the rest of the way to the ground. Then Sirius ran to him. His palms were bloody and grazed, and he complained of pain in his leg, where he'd hit the ground, and in his left shoulder. They'd managed to hide minor scrapes before, and since Sirius couldn't see anything wrong with his brother's leg, he decided there was nothing to worry about.
He helped him up, but when he put his weight on his leg, he groaned in pain and could barely stand upright. Because it was obvious he couldn't walk on his own, Sirius gently supported him, careful not to brush against his injured shoulder.
"We'll go to school now and clean your hands. Then we'll see how your leg and shoulder are. Maybe it'll get better with time?"
It was supposed to be calming, but it didn’t have the desired effect on Regulus or himself. Regulus agreed anyway, and they set off. Regulus had his arm around his brother and was limping, which slowed them considerably. Although they had left early enough, they had to hurry to clean the minor injuries on his hands with water.
It quickly became clear that the few hopes Sirius had had been in vain. Regulus could limp on his own, but it was noticeable.
On the way home, Regulus addressed the obvious. "Mother will notice. If she finds out about our trips..." He stopped, but he didn't need to say it. They both knew it.
Sirius saw the tears in his eyes, which he was trying with all his might to keep from overflowing, but his little brother had never been good at hiding his feelings. He felt guilty because he was the reason that this had happened.
"Try walking normally, as if nothing has happened. Maybe then they won't notice." He looked at him and shook his head. He sniffed as the tears won.
"I've been trying all day, and people still asked me if I'm okay."
Sirius swallowed. He knew how to prevent the worst from happening. They were almost at their house. He stopped and quickly wiped Regulus's cheeks to avoid leaving the worst marks left by the tears, but his eyes remained moist, so it was obvious that he wasn't well.
"You won't get into trouble! Trust me. Here's what you have to do: If anyone asks you about your limp, you have to say I tripped you and you fell on the way home." Regulus looked at him, startled.
"But then-"
"Don't worry about me," Sirius interrupted. "Just go upstairs as soon as you're told and close your bedroom door." Before he could protest further, Sirius led the way toward the black double doors.
…
It was dark. His leg hurt. Mother had seen fit to punish him with the same pain he had supposedly inflicted on his brother. Even though it stung with every movement, Sirius knew he'd done the right thing. If Regulus had told them he'd fallen, his parents would have punished him for his clumsiness. If he'd told them that someone else had tripped him up, they would have wanted to talk to that person, or they would have banned Regulus from seeing his friends altogether. That was the only way to protect Regulus from punishment.
As he turned over, another sharp pain reminded him of his real offense. He should have taken better care of Regulus. Or had his mistake started earlier? Should he really not have brought him along on his little trips? Now he couldn't change it, only resolve to do better in the future. He was too tired to really think about it, but half asleep, a voice in his head said: Maybe he's better off if you keep your distance.
…
Sirius's injury healed faster than Regulus's. His injuries were designed after all, to punish him, but still keep him functional. It wasn't long before he made the detour to the edge of the forest again, this time alone, during breaks when Regulus was busy with something else. On the way to school or home they still walked together.
When Regulus's recovery was complete after more than a month, he asked if Sirius would take him with him. He looked up at his older brother with his big, innocent, childlike eyes. Sirius agreed, but things weren't the same anymore. Regulus was much more cautious. He had started something and wanted to finish it, but fear held him back, which frustrated him greatly. He had to start all over again, leaning against a tree as he did a handstand. When the fear still hadn't improved after a week, and in fact, it had gotten worse after he almost hit the ground with his previously injured shoulder, Sirius decided not to take him anymore. Regulus was disappointed, but as time went on, he eventually forgot his disappointment.
Months passed, quiet months in which life went on as usual. Winter turned into spring, spring into summer. It was Regulus' birthday. His parents gave him clothes because his old ones were too worn out. Sirius thought they were still perfectly fine. He also received books. His favorite book, however, came from Alphard.
He had given it to Sirius to pass on. It had been hidden at the back of his wardrobe since the winter, among his neatly folded clothes. It was wrapped in thick brown paper, so Sirius himself didn’t know which book it was. Now, when he took it out that evening, something fell out. He ignored it, because he was excited and wanted to know what Regulus would say about the book. He crept over and opened and closed the door without making a sound.
Regulus was already waiting for him, sitting on the edge of his bed. After a long introduction, he dramatically handed over the book.
"The book is extremely rare. Uncle Applehard said you'll definitely like it, but Mother and Father would never allow us to read something like that, as it's too bizarre.‘‘
When Regulus unwrapped and saw the book, he was very delighted and wanted to read the first chapter straight away, but it was too dark and they didn't want to draw attention to themselves by turning on the light.
‘‘I haven't read it yet, we can do that together." Sirius told him as Regulus was a bit disappointed. They only spoke for a short while, then Sirius went back to his room.
When he saw the piece of paper that had fallen out on the way to bed, he paused to pick it up before falling into bed. It was one of the posters for the circus. He hadn't thought about it for a long time. Not about the circus however, he had always taken detours in his thoughts.
He had only thought about the girl with white hair who taught him how to do handstands or the loud boy with glasses who showed him how to throw the balls best. But he hadn't thought about Pandora, who always told such strange stories, or about James, who always made everyone laugh. Not about Remus or Peter or Evan either. No, he missed them all too much. Now that he could close his eyes in peace, he allowed himself a moment in which he could miss them. Where it was permitted to feel and cry, even if it was unmanly. He was just a child who missed his friends. He fell asleep with tears streaming down his cheeks.
Summer turned into autumn, and autumn into winter. In between, it was Sirius's birthday. It wasn't a pleasant day. He was glad when peace finally returned and he could sneak from his room into Regulus's to at least enjoy the last hours of the day. Regulus solemnly handed him his present.
It was a beautifully painted wooden box with a crank that jutted out of the side. When he opened it, inside was a finely crafted metal mechanism connected to the crank.
"A music box?" He looked at Regulus in surprise, who seemed a little embarrassed.
"That was my music box. I know yours broke a long time ago. It was never that important to me, but you cried when it broke, which was why Mother punished you. There's a modified version of the song in the book you gave me. I remembered it, and I know it was a long time ago, but I thought it might bring you luck. It brought me luck.‘'
Sirius couldn't help but smile. Of course, Regulus would keep one of the few happy memories from their childhood for him. Carefully, he took the crank and turned it. This caused the cylinder with the small bumps to move, which in turn caused the reeds to vibrate, producing a sound. He recognized the song from the first few notes and began to sing along softly.
'‘Twinkle, twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are! Up above the world, so high, like a diamond in the sky.'‘
One of their governors, whose name he had forgotten, had sung them the song when she discovered the music boxes. When Regulus commented that they were much too old for a lullaby, she had only joked that the song was about the two of them.
"Sirius is the brightest star in the sky. So if you ever need light, you have to look for yourself." Those had been her words back then.
"Thank you, Regulus."
He hugged his brother. Just as he was about to let go, his gaze fell through the window onto the empty street in the darkness. He followed it with his eyes to the field where he still often rampaged around, even if it wasn't every day anymore. He broke away from Regulus and stepped closer to his window.
In the distance, he saw a few lights blinking, almost like in the song he had just sung, except that they weren't hanging high in the sky, but right in front of him, feeling almost within touching distance. Despite the darkness, he recognized the silhouette of a large tent in the light of the half-moon, which appeared to be black and white striped. The circus was here.