Work Text:
It was a day like any other, one where Sasaki found himself lounging on the couch in his new apartment alone and feeling bored (and a little lonely, but he won’t admit to that). Listlessly scrolling on his phone, the ginger struggled to not feel a little resentful of his boyfriend’s job, which has started taking more and more time away from the couple to spend time with each other. It won’t be for forever, Miyano had promised one afternoon after a grueling workday and Sasaki clung to that promise.
Unwilling, his eyes flitted to the time on the corner of his screen. 12:27. Groan. Starting to feel frustrated, he sighed and pushed his phone into his pants pocket. There must be something around here that he can do until 17 o’clock? If he was still living with his family, he would have just gone downstairs and helped in the bakery, but that was not really an option now, especially since the bakery was closed today. But… hm…
The thought of his childhood home reminded him of something, the memory just barely out of reach. Sasaki stood up from the couch and wandered around the apartment, trying to jog his memory. Walking into their shared bedroom and seeing the folded up cardboard from their move they still had to dispose of, that did it. How could I forget?
He went over to the wardrobe and opened it, looking for a box they had stored here to sort through eventually. Sasaki let out a triumphant Aha! when he found the dustcovered cardboard box that had Shuumei messily written on the side of it. His sister, Satako, had dropped it by the apartment last month, saying it was some of his old stuff he had left behind. So far, he never felt like going through it despite Miyano pestering to do so sooner, but with settling into their apartment and jobs keeping them busy, neither found the time to do it earlier and it eventually fell from their minds.
The thought of the brunet reminded him of how he was not here now and sent a pang through Sasaki’s chest, being sure that his partner would love to inspect the contents of the box with him, the younger always happy to find out more about the ginger. There isn’t anything worth seeing though, but if it makes Miya happy…
Discarding the thought, he picked up the box and carried it to the coffee table in their living room. Making himself comfortable on the couch again, he opened the top of it and started pulling out miscellaneous items he had mostly forgotten about. Old clothes, old CDs, old knick-knacks… nothing so far to be excited about. What did take him aback was the old camera he pulled out from the bottom of the box. Initially confused, Sasaki was surprised when he recognised it.
He had not seen his old camera in almost 5 years, if he remembered right. For reasons he had forgotten long ago, he stopped using it sometime during his first year in college. Looking it over, the old thing was not an impressive model by far, being a kind where you had to change the battery instead of charging it like a newer camera, and the paint was chipped and scratched at a couple places, making it look even shabbier. And yet, the tiny warmth of nostalgia bloomed in his chest.
Pressing the ON button with baited breath, Sasaki did not know what he expected. The digital screen stayed black because of course the thing had long since lost any juice it had left. Still, that did not stop some disappointment from twisting around in his stomach. What am I even doing , he wondered. There is probably nothing on it anyways. And yet.
Despite feeling silly for doing it, here he was, looking around the apartment for the off chance of finding a battery to turn on the camera with. If only Miyano was here, he probably would know if they had any and where to find it, or which nearby store sold them. But he was not, too busy with his increasingly busy job to be here.
The frigid fingers of loneliness threatened to sink their claws into his heart once more but Sasaki wrenched himself away from their grasp. It won’t be for forever, he reassured himself. Miya said so himself. It’s only temporary.
Glancing back at the camera that sat innocently on the coffee table, Sasaki made a resolve. To avoid the claws of loneliness, ignoring how ridiculous it is how far he is going for an old camera, Sasaki took his keys and coat and promptly left the apartment while looking up on his phone what nearby store sold batteries.
|=|=|=|
Stationed back on the couch, now with batteries in hand and his wallet 500¥ lighter, Sasaki was careful when opening the compartment on the camera for the battery and changed the old one for the new. He was mildly surprised that the battery did not bloat or leek while the camera was in storage for who knows how long, but he was mindful to set it aside to properly dispose of later. Closing the compartment, he found himself holding his breath after pressing the ON button again.
A moment passed.
He felt like he was at the apex of flight.
Another moment passed.
His shoulders began to sack, his heart beginning to sink.
And another moment dragged by.
The screen turned on. His heart soared.
Taking a moment to compose himself, because holy shit, that should not have been as harrowing as it was, Sasaki lifted the camera up with a sweaty hand to his eyes and looked at the world around him through the small digital display. The kitchen countertops appear like reality was ripped apart and someone put the shreds back together. Turning the camera over, he saw a thin crack running through the lens. Oh, so that’s why I stopped using it.
A faint memory danced in the back of his mind, the image too fuzzy to make sense of but the longer he focused on it, the clearer it got.
~~~~~~~~~~
It was a day near the end of Sasaki’s first year in college and the young couple were sitting next to each other on the ginger’s bed.
Click.
“S-sasaki?! Why did you take a photo of me?”
Peering over the camera, the twinkling eyes of the photographer looked at the 3rd year high schooler, who looked up at the college student with wide bewildered eyes. Cute.
“‘Felt like it. Why wouldn’t I want to capture the day my boyfriend got his college acceptance letter?” Sasaki bit back a grin as Miyano glowed red, hiding his face behind said letter.
“Y-ou’re-! Unfair…” The younger stammered and curled into himself, too flustered to look at his boyfriend. Feeling mischievous, Sasaki leaned over and whispered near his ear.
“Especially when said boyfriend visits me to share the good news that we will go to the same college next semester.” Miyano shivered at the hot breath caressing his ear and pushed his smug boyfriend away, trying his best to look mad but failed with his face still red and also feeling excited at the prospect of finally joining Sasaki at his college.
He faked grumbling as he put his acceptance letter away into his bag sitting beside him, but Miyano was secretly pleased. Catching the small smile gracing his face, Sasaki quickly lifted his camera again.
Click.
The unexpected sound caused Miyano to flinch, making him drop the manga he had taken out of his bag. “Ah!” He immediately picked it up and inspected it for any damage the fall might have caused. Seeing this, Sasaki instantly felt guilt wash over him. He, more than anyone, knew how much Miyano cares about his manga, always treating the pages with great care and dismaying over any scratched covers or ripped pages. For Sasaki to be the reason for damaging it, is…
Putting his camera down, he leaned over Miyano’s shoulder to see for himself the damage he had caused (again why does he always do this ). Likely noticing his sudden tension, Miyano held up the book to him and reassured: “It’s fine. See?” The brunet offered the other the manga to take. Seeing Sasaki’s hesitation, Miyano all but pressed it into his hands. Swallowing past his nerves, Sasaki carefully examined it.
‘Even if you don’t believe in yourself, trust in my belief in you’, Vol. 5; a BL manga part of a series the couple has been following together since they first came out. The series had only started publishing not too long after they had gotten together and it was slowly becoming quite important to them. The character, the story, the messaging– all things that resonated with the couple deeply. And it was one of their firsts too, in a way. This was the first time they got to experience a new series together as it came out, reading and discussing it with each other as the volumes came out.
Reading a series together with Miyano, instead of borrowing a manga Miyano had already read, was different in a way that Sasaki struggled to describe. More special.
It was a big reason as to why ‘Trust in my belief in you’ became so special to him. (It somehow never failed to tug at his heart and make him feel near tears. His chest tightens it hurts and yet, he can’t bring himself to stop reading a good kind of hurts .)
A manga so important to them and it was… not damaged. “Good,” Sasaki cannot help himself from saying in a small voice, a weight falling off his shoulder. Unseen to him, Miyano looked at his anxious partner and wore a small sad smile. Looking at the manga in Sasaki’s hand, he got an idea. He had to only be brave enough to go through with it.
Caught up between feeling anxiety and relief, Sasaki was dragged out of his thoughts by a hand gently settling over his hand that was holding the manga. He looked up to see piercing eyes burrowing into him.
“...” Miyano opened and closed his mouth, though no word left him. He looked embarrassed and like he was fighting with himself over something in his mind, before a determined expression settled on his face. “...You mistrust yourself so much. Always expecting the worst from yourself and believing yourself a danger to the people around you.” Gently prying the manga from Sasaki’s hand and setting it down beside the camera, Miyano brought his other hand up to cup his boyfriend’s cheek. Sasaki subconsciously leaned into the touch, helpless and only able to watch as he found himself suddenly unable to form any words. “You only see the worst in yourself and it hurts my heart, because I wish you could see yourself from my point of view. To stop seeing a hideous monster you believe yourself to be. To instead see the beautiful heart I know you to be.”
Completely enraptured, captured in those lovely golden eyes he was so utterly enchanted by, Sasaki could only watch as Miyano leaned closer, their faces mere centimeters apart. “So fearful of yourself, you mistake humanity as monstrosity . So distrustful of yourself, you mistake reasons to love as reasons to hate ,” his voice lowered, now near a low rumbling whisper. “But you’re scarred and scared. Left to tend to and fend for yourself. And it’s okay.” Their foreheads touched, leaning into each other, breathing each other’s air. “So, it’s okay if you can’t yet. Okay to need time to heal and learn to trust yourself again. And know, until then and even after, if you will have me, I’ll be there. Right there with you.” Their lips lightly brushed against one another, the touch sending electricity through Sasaki. “So, until the day you learn to love yourself, I’ll love you for you. I only ask you to trust me.” And Miyano’s voice was almost inaudible, but Sasaki felt the words on his lips.
“Even if you don’t believe in yourself, trust in my belief in you, Shuumei.”
The kiss was slow, knowing they, at that moment, had all the time in the world. They moved against each other, the motions having become familiar over the months. It almost felt like coming home. After what could have been forever, they slowly parted, their eyes captured by the other– never faltering, never straying.
Inside his chest, he felt the same tightness he got when reading ‘Trust in my belief in you’. ( The same pain of not-yet healed scars being opened and tended to, so lovingly painful to help them heal properly this time, even if he doesn’t deserve that love and doesn’t deserve the opportunity to stop the ever present hurt. )
Sasaki looked back at Miyano with a thoughtful expression when a teasing grin bloomed on his face (because he can’t focus on that feeling . He doesn’t feel ready to face it and maybe he never will .) “You already read the volume, didn’t you,” Sasaki did not really ask. Miyano’s composure fell away to make room for the blush covering his face.
“I didn’t mean to! It’s just, when I bought it last week, I really tried to wait so we could read it together, but I got curious and thought one chapter wouldn’t hurt, and then…” He trailed off, embarrassed at being caught. Sasaki looked at him with fondness pouring from him in waves.
“You read the entire thing in one sitting.” “Yes, I did. Sorry.”
Sasaki nonchalantly shrugged. He had half expected it, knowing that Miyano cannot help himself with new releases and that when he bought it last week, had ample time to fall for the temptation. “It’s fine. ‘Had a feeling you likely couldn’t resist for too long. Although , I didn’t expect you to quote it to me.”
Miyano bashfully averted his gaze, eyes locked to the floor. So cute. I wish I could hold this moment still for forever, Sasaki dismayed, but remembered that he could, in a way. Picking the camera back up, Sasaki lifted it to take another photo, but this time Miyano noticed the movement and saw what he was trying to do. Eyes widening, he reached out to stop him.
“Shuumei, stop!” Miyano protested, being all too aware of how hot his face was.
“But why? What’s so wrong about taking photos of my cute boyfriend” Sasaki pouted.
“What’s with you and always wanting to photograph me–” Click. “H-hey!”
Click.
“Shuumei–”
Click. Click.
“Will you just–”
Click. Click. Click.
“Oh my god, I can’t believe you! Stop it with that camer–!”
Thump– crack.
…
The couple looked stunned down at the camera that now laid on the floor. Miyano was the first to come out of his stupor. “Oh no, Sasaki, your camera…” Suddenly able to move, Sasaki leaned down to pick the camera up. Turning it over, they both saw the thin crack running over the lens. “Oh, Sasaki. I didn’t mean to–”
“It’s not your fault, Miya,” he reassured his worried boyfriend. “I was just goofing off and you wanted me to stop and we wrestled over the camera and I accidentally dropped it.”
“Then it’s not your fault either,” Miyano argued against the implicit blame Sasaki put on himself. “It’s not like I truly mind you taking photos of me. I just get so– so flustered when you compliment me and I don’t know how to handle how direct you are about your feelings for me. I could never dream about doing that, even if I want to …” He sighed. “It’s one of the things I admire about you so much.”
Speechless, and feeling flustered himself, Sasaki quickly redirected the conversation. “So, there! All settled. None of us were at fault and it was an accident.” The brunet frowned.
“But what about your camera?” The ginger hummed dismissively and set the camera down on his nightstand.
“It doesn’t really matter to me. ‘Could get it fixed later or something.” Looking unconvinced, Miyano let it be for now.
“If you say so.” Sasaki nodded, turning his attention to the manga laying on his bed.
“Now, back to what’s really important,” he said, picking up the volume, making Miyano laugh and feel utterly fond of his ridiculous boyfriend.
~~~~~~~~~~
The memory of Miyano’s laugh echoed through his head, making him smile as he went through the gallery on the camera, looking at each photo slowly, letting each memory wash over him like a warm blanket. The first couple were blurry from the skirmish that caused the crack in the glass, just shapes of colour indecipherable to anyone but him.
With each click, it was like going back in time, moment by moment. Most featured the couple, predominantly Miyano, captured in small snapshots of their lives. Love and awe crackled warmly in his chest, like a campfire on a dark and cold night, warming Sasaki and keeping him safe.
Years after Sasaki had confessed and waited months for an answer he simultaneously anticipated and dreaded receiving, having them miraculously returned and getting together with his crush after pining for almost a year– it felt… unreal. A relationship with Miya. He would almost call it unbelievable. But it was real.
From Sasaki’s first year in college, to his 3rd year in high school, to his 2nd, he cannot shake how surreal it was to see the life that had, up to now, only existed in his memories.
One photo in particular made him pause.
The date was from the end of his 2nd year of high school– the same year he met Miyano. At that point, Sasaki thinks they must have known each other for over half a year. Trying to recall the memory from when the photo was taken, only faint impressions came to him: the feeling of newfound contentment and, what he now knows to be, the start of something he eventually learns to call love the most prevalent.
The Miyano in the photo was outside, standing alone at a street corner a little ways away from the cameraman. He was dressed warmly in his cream coloured coat and red scarf wrapped around his neck, an outfit he wore during high school in winter, and had his entire attention enraptured by the manga in his hand, for once ignoring the worry of being seen reading BL in public. The expression he wore was… enchanting .
Wide eyes filled with excitement and wonder, the cold air colouring his cheeks and nose a rosy red, his mouth stretching into a bright smile. Sasaki was completely taken by the image, his eyes unable to look away. It felt like he fell in love all over again.
And Sasaki recognises that place. It was near a bookstore Miyano had brought Sasaki to back then, a place they visited even now, where they sometimes went to browse for BL when they had the time. And, judging by the bag hanging off of Miyano’s arm, he had just been there.
But, how did Sasaki fit into the picture?
The noise of dangling keys and the apartment’s door opening and closing stopped his train of thought. Heavy steps slowly walked deeper into the apartment, until a tired Miyano appeared in the doorway. “‘m home,” he mumbled, sounding utterly exhausted by his workday.
“Welcome home,” Sasaki greeted and made room on the couch for him as Miyano shuffled over and all but collapsed onto it, mentally chastising himself for losing track of the time. They had the arrangement that if one of them was home before the other (that usually being Sasaki; Miyano is rarely able to leave his work before Sasaki does), they were the one in charge of dinner: be it ordering or cooking it themselves. “Sorry, dinner isn’t ready yet. I lost track of time,” Sasaki apologized to his boyfriend who leaned heavily against his left side.
“‘s fine,” Miyano yawned, only accentuating his pale skin and the dark rings under his eyes. Blinking himself more awake, he noticed the camera in Sasaki’s hand. “Wait,” his keen eyes narrowed, leaning a bit forward. “Isn’t that your camera? The one with the damaged lens and you said you’d get fixed?” He asked and looked towards his partner with a raised eyebrow. Sasaki let out a short awkward laugh.
“Your memory is scary,” he joked. “But yeah, it is. It was in the box Satako dropped off.”
“I told you that you should’ve looked through it sooner,” Miyano scolded him before turning his attention back to the camera. He looked closely at the photo on the display, at first thoughtful before recognition struck him. “Oh, I remember that day.”
Sasaki looked at his partner in surprise. “Really? But that was, what, 5? 6 years ago?” Miyano laughed good naturedly.
“I do,” he said, mirth twinkling in his honey brown eyes. “It was at the end of my first winter in high school, after one of our manga trips. I remember being excited about finding a couple of mangas I’ve been itching to get my hands on and barely contained myself from reading them, then and there.” He chuckled at his past self’s impatience. “On our way back to the train station, you suddenly stopped, saying that you had to get something for your sister in one of the stores and that I didn’t have to wait for you, claiming that it could take a while. Of course, I told you I could wait until you’re done. That’s why I was standing at that street corner and waited for you to return.” A light blush graced his face. “While waiting, I couldn’t help myself and started reading one of the mangas I had bought. I was so caught up in it, that I didn’t notice your return until I heard the shutter go off.” Miyano sent him a mock glare. “When I asked why you took a photo of me, or why you even had a camera with you, you said that you accidentally packed the camera in your schoolbag that morning.”
“And what did I say about the photo?”
The glare melted away for a bashful but fond look.
“You said that this moment was worth capturing. I asked what made this moment so important and you only smiled. I wanted to press for an answer and ask that you delete it, but you had this soft look on you,” Miyano smiled warmly at the memory. “I don’t normally like being photographed and I don’t think that will ever change, but in that moment… I thought ‘ I don’t mind, as long as it’s you ’.”
Overwhelmed, Sasaki averted his eyes away from Miyano to the camera.
Looking at it this time, Sasaki noticed a detail in the photo that had flown over both of their heads. I have to check this .
“Please bear with me,” he suddenly stood up, startling Miyano and causing him to look up at him, puzzled. “Can you stand up for me?” Confused, his boyfriend complied. Standing chest to chest, Sasaki was surprised about how he had not noticed it sooner. “You’re taller.”
“What?” Miyano frowned, wondering where that thought came from.
“Look at the picture,” Sasaki lifted the camera for Miyano to take a closer look. “We frequent that area a lot. And see that vending machine behind you? We know that machine. You're taller than it, but in the photo…”
“I’m shorter,” Miyano finished. “Sorry, I’m still a little lost. Why is that relevant?”
“C’mon, humour me. How tall were you when you started high school?” Still skeptical, Miyano played along.
“I was 160cm (5’3), if I remember correctly.”
“And how tall are you now?” Sasaki prompted, seeing the gears turn in the brunet’s head.
Miyano tilted his head and thought for a moment.
“I’m 170…3cm. 175? (≈5’9) I haven’t measured my height since we were still in college." He shook his head, not getting what Sasaki was so worked up about. “Sasaki, what’s this about?”
The question made Sasaki falter. “It’s nothing big, just…,” he thought of the best way to put into words what he was feeling at the moment. “Noticing this– realizing how much you’re grown physically, makes this all feel more… real, in a way.” He sighed, frustrated with his inability to communicate his thoughts. “I don’t know if I’m making any sense.” He looked up when Miyano put a reassuring hand on his arm, looking at him with so much patience. More than what he deserved.
“You can still try.”
“I don’t know. Seeing a physical reminder of how much time has passed since meeting you– something that changed you permanently, makes me realize how long it’s been. How things have changed from back then. It feels like…” Sasaki trailed off.
“We’re growing up,” Miyano offered.
“Yeah…” He confirmed, feeling a little silly over making such a big deal over nothing.
“I supposed I get that,” Miyano said, tugging them back onto the couch. Leaning against each other, he softly rubbed circles into Sasaki’s palm. “Some days, I wake up feeling like I’m still that same 1st year high schooler, with no friends and trapped in my own little bubble I made for myself to hide away from the world.” He lifted his eyes, looking straight into Sasaki’s soul. “But then I turn around and see you beside me, and I get reminded that I am not that high schooler. I have my friends and family by my side who love and support me. I have you, too, at every step of the way. And I get reminded that I’m not lost anymore. That I’ve been found and that I’m loved by the people I’ve met since those lonely days.”
Sasaki feels choked up, with those loving eyes looking straight into him.
“And you’ve been found too.”
“Is that another quote from one of your manga?” He joked, because making a fool of himself is better than being seen and to be known . ( But those eyes always see him and know him like no one else. )
“Not this time,” Miyano smugly breathed against his lips before Sasaki was enveloped in the warmth of love he struggles to think he deserves and yet cannot help himself but selfishly accept.