Chapter Text
Katsuki wakes up with a jolt.
His phone continuously vibrates on the bedside table next to him. The brightness of the screen shoots out a beacon of light in what would otherwise be a very dark room.
Katsuki sits up and looks over to the clock hanging on the wall, he barely makes out the time to be 1:30 am.
Fuck.
Forcing himself to wake up, he turns to grab his phone.
Who would call this late?
He rubs his eyes and looks at the screen very intensely. He then presses accept.
“Hello?”
“Oh, hi Kacchan. Sorry for calling you,” He could barely hear the sound of Izuku’s voice. He spoke very softly, almost like he didn’t want to wake anyone up, even though he lived alone.
“I think I- uh did it by accident ?”
Then why did you answer straight away?
Katsuki listens closer. And then notices the small inflections in his voice, how out of breath he sounds. Ragged, panting for air. Likes he’s decidedly run a marathon in his own fucking house. He wasn’t speaking quietly out of courtesy, but he was afraid to speak any louder. And then he realizes,
Somethings wrong.
He hurries out of his bed, already heading towards the front door.
“Izuku, what’s going on? Are you alright?”
His brain does nothing but supply him with imaginary scenarios of Izuku hurt or worse dying, but he forces himself not to listen to it.
There’s a long pause and then he asks,
“...Should I head over to Ground beta?”
‘Ground beta’ became a code word for them in case the other was in a situation where they were unable to speak freely, or didn’t have enough time to explain. It simply meant danger, need backup. Katsuki came up with the idea after an insider attack on UA where all students and staff were held hostage. Everything sent out was monitored to keep the illusion that nothing was wrong. It was only after Izuku and the rest of the teachers had handled the situation that he was notified something had happened.
He never wanted to be out of Izuku’s reach again.
Katsuki can almost hear the immediate regret that fills Izuku’s voice when he speaks up,
“Oh God, I'm so sorry!! Nothing's wrong, Kacchan I- ” then a beat “Okay fine, I was being an idiot. I had this stupid nightmare where you died again and I just called to make sure you’re okay. I’m so incredibly sorry for worrying you like that I don’t know why I did that, you think I'd be over this by now; it won’t happen again I swear- “
Katsuki stills.
“I’m coming over.”
He hears the rustling of sheets in the background, like Izuku got up in surprise.“What?! No. You don’t have to do that..I’m okay, really. I was worrying over nothing, don’t come over here and-”
Katsuki hangs up.
He arrives at Izuku’s apartment a few minutes later.
-
When he goes to knock on the door, Izuku opens it immediately. “Listen,” he started, moving his body to occupy the small space in the doorway, ultimately blocking Katsuki.
“I’m sorry I made you come all this way but I’m fine Kacchan, really. You don’t need to worry about me, I'm good.” Izuku says and gives a small smile, like he actually believes that Katsuki will take his words at face value. Like he’s an fucking idiot.
After all this time, Izuku doesn't know him as well as he thought.
“Okay.” he says while immediately pushing past him, making his way towards the living room, ignoring Izuku’s consistent protests.
“Kacchan.” Izuku says while grabbing his shoulder.
“You want me to go?” Katsuki turns around, shrugging his hand off, “Really?”
“Tell me you don’t want me here right now, and I'll leave. I’ll never bring this up again, but I know you Izuku,” Katsuki declares, while pointing to his chest, “And I know you’ve always been a shitty liar. I am here and I want to help you, so let me.” And suddenly he’s being transported into the past. Back when Izuku left UA to be on his own and how he selfishly thought that he didn’t need anyone’s help. Though, he knows he’s a hypocrite for saying that.
Now he’s wondering exactly just how much has changed since then, and how much hasn’t. Katsuki stands there in defiance, waiting for an answer.
Izuku only sighs.
“I can sleep on the couch, it's the least I can do since-”
“Shut up.”
Don’t treat this any differently.
He makes his way towards one side of Izuku’s bed and lays down. When he notices that Izuku hasn’t joined him yet, and is instead leaning by the doorway. He turns around and asks him,
“Are you coming or are you just going to stand there like an idiot?”
Izuku hangs his head in defeat and then crawls in beside him.
No one says anything for a while, to the point where Katsuki thinks Izuku is asleep. Until he suddenly asks,
“It's been awhile, hasn’t it?”
“Yeah.” is all Katsuki could say in response.
Katsuki lays on his back, facing the ceiling, one arm props up his head from behind. In the corner of his eye, he can tell that Izuku is lying on his back as well. Except his hands are on his stomach, shifting.
“How long?” Izuku questions.
It's been years since one of them needed the other for something like this. It started in the hospital they stayed at after they defeated All For One.
One night, Izuku had asked him in the quiet darkness of their room, if he could come over to his bed and sleep together. He hasn’t stopped him since.
He didn’t know why he asked him then, out of all the other times he could’ve, but he wasn’t complaining. They both just laid there, Izuku’s head and arm resting slack on his chest. Katsuki, though, had no idea where to even place his hands. Not sure if he could even touch Izuku and was too embarrassed to ask him. So he just settled for awkwardly at his sides.
They both waited for the eventual sunrise that was bound to come barreling through the room’s windows. No one was actually going to get to sleep that night, but it was nice to pretend.
There was so much to say, but it was too much. Neither had the ability to express it.
The only sound that night was that of his heart monitor beating rapidly and Izuku’s lapid breathing, and Katsuki prayed that he didn’t notice the latter.
Izuku later would tell him that he said it on impulse, and was terrified that Katsuki would say no or that he had woken him up. Only for Katsuki to say that even if he did, he would still say yes.
He lost his life trying to realise how important Izuku was to him. After that, he wasn’t going to waste a second in denying how much he cared about him, not to himself or Izuku. And letting him know it, at least platonically.
Even after they were both discharged, it still continued. Sometimes Katsuki would end up at Izuku’s door randomly in the middle of the night, debating on whether or not he should knock, especially when they had class in the morning. About to bolt like it was an impromptu decision, which it was.
And Izuku knowingly opening the door, because it’s Izuku of course , and gently guiding him in. Like Katsuki was some “spooked cat” he found out on the street. Recognising that he could leave at any moment but chose to stay. Assuring Katsuki that he never didn’t think less of him and was glad he came.
Other times, it would be Izuku, climbing into his bed after another reminder of the horrors of the battlefield.
Katsuki would accept him every time.
Sometimes they would go over what happened, sometimes they didn’t. Sometimes it was just better to not be alone, to just hold each other.
It happened so often that he had a spare uniform in his drawer specifically for Izuku. It was easier to get ready together than for him to wake up earlier and go back to his room and vice versa. If anyone noticed them leaving the same room, they made no note to mention it.
No one directly said anything, but they all knew.
They weren’t ones to judge though, everyone had their own ways of coping after what happened.
He doesn't know exactly when it stopped, it just did. Or rather, they had begun to hang out so much that they ended up sleeping over at each other's rooms anyway.
What he does know is that everything stopped after graduation. He was too busy building Izuku’s suit and handling his debut as a hero, while Izuku was in college getting his teaching degree. They didn’t have much time back then to properly hang out. They still texted but it was scarce, much less confided in one another. Izuku even more so than him.
Katsuki exhales, “I don’t know.”
There’s this wall between them; after everything it still lingers.
It's not as big as it used to be, but it's there. Maybe it’ll be there forever, something that just is when it comes to them. A distance they were never able to cross, a space created after the constant tug and pull that defined them for most of their relationship. He can’t describe it, but he can feel it. It kills him every time he’s reminded that it's there.
But he’s noticed Izuku’s has more of his walls up then before. It’s not like he’s distant, he's just reserved. More than Katsuki’s used to.
Considering that in high school, Izuku always wore his heart on his fucking sleeve. Unabashedly expressing his feelings without care. Now Katsuki’s beginning to second guess himself. He knew Izuku had changed after he lost his quirk, he just didn’t think of how much.
Izuku used to say that he’s never been able to lie to him, but Katsuki’s not so sure he fully believes him anymore.
Guess that’s just what happens when you grow up.
You let go of the childish things around you.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He suggests. It takes a lot for Izuku to be broken out of that stupor of his, so whatever fucked up nightmare he had must’ve been bad.
“It’s just..” Izuku trails off, “Like I said before, it was about the battle with Shigaraki, when you died. Except this time,” He runs through his hair, “I don’t know, It felt real. Like I actually lost you again.”
He pauses, “It uh, scared the shit out of me. I haven’t dreamed of that in a long time.”
Katsuki doesn't know what to say. He could tell him many things, that he’s fine or it’s over and they won. but it would be pointless. War isn’t something you get over, he hasn't. You just live with it. Besides, Izuku's probably heard something similar to that over the years. If not from him then from other, better people.
He’s not good with counseling, never has been. Even after all these years. He wishes he was, if only for Izuku. But, what he does lose in words, he makes up for in actions.
“Look at me.” He turns on his side and grabs Izuku’s arm. Placing it on his chest, over his heart. Izuku stares at his hand, then up at Katsuki’s eyes.
“This piece of crap is still fucking beating, so get rid of any anxiety still lingering in that thick skull of yours and get it through I’m still here. And I ain’t dying anytime soon, not till I fucking surpass you.” Their faces become inches apart, eyes on the other, like they’ve been trained to. On multiple occasions their noses almost brush, it takes everything in Katsuki not to kiss him stupid.
“I think you surpassed me a long time ago, Kacchan.” Izuku breathes out.
“Fuck you, number four pro hero.” To that Izuku cracks a small grin; Katsuki then loosens his grip on his hand and Izuku pulls away, after a long time.
There’s a beat then Izuku says, “Thank you by the way, if I didn’t tell you before.”
“You don’t have to thank me.” Katsuki immediately counters, because it’s true.
“No, I do .” He says with such conviction in his eyes, you would think he’s responding to something important, something worth his gratitude. Not just Katsuki helping him out with a simple problem, that anyone would do if he asked. He's just lucky that it was him. Which begs the question,
Why him?
It should be a given with their past, but now he has someone else. He doesn't need Katsuki anymore, not when he has someone special to him. Someone who can give him the comfort he needs, who can ease his mind with a gentle touch, who can tell him she loves him and it means something. Not bring the end of their relationship. Someone who's never hurt him, who’s his hero, someone who’s not him.
She should be here.
So why isn't she?
But he’s too afraid to ask that question, he doesn't know where the answer will lead.
So instead he says, “Whatever,” and turns his back towards Izuku, “Get some rest, I know you have class with a bunch of noisy ass kids in the morning.”
Izuku chuckles, “They’re not that bad Kacchan.” then he whispers, “Good night.”
“ Night.”
I love you.
-
Katsuki awakens to a dry throat, headache and a huge weight on top of him.
He doesn't need to look down to guess where Izuku is, he can feel the coarse brush of his hair on the side of his face. Izuku’s general overall self care is still crap, even as an adult. The soft exhales coming out of Izuku’s mouth tickles the junction to where his neck and shoulder meet. He finds his hand naturally splayed against the small of his back, while Izuku’s arm is thrown over his chest, hugging at his side. It’s the most comfortable he’s felt in forever.
He should move, he knows this position they're in is incredibly intimate. If Izuku had woken up first he’d definitely scramble off of him, apologise in a sporadic mess and never mention it again. But Katsuki can’t find it in himself to care, he missed this. He missed it so fucking much, more then he ever thought he would. He’ll take what he can get and savor it, because he knows this is the last time he’ll ever get the chance.
To feel Izuku’s warmth on his skin, breathe his scent in and fall back asleep. So he does.
-
Katsuki gets up for the third and final time, he checks his phone; it's a miracle he’s woken up before his alarm. He very gently tries to pry himself out of Izuku’s grip, key word is tries. Izuku’s hold on him is firm, but thankfully Izuku is a heavy sleeper. So on his fourth try he manages to yank himself out from under him and leaves the room, heading over towards the kitchen.
Izuku’s apartment is almost bare. There’s some furniture, but it’s clear that he bought everything in a set. Not really knowing what to get and buying one of everything in the store catalog, because it looked nice. He knows that because Izuku had told him over coffee one time, paired with a shy grin and a scratch behind his head. When met with the response that he could’ve helped, Izuku said he didn’t want to bother him. Which earned him a hit on the head and a grunt.
There’s a bit of all might paraphernalia and other of their classmates scattered about. A poster on the wall above the couch and some action figures splattered on the cabinet below the tv, but it's limited. It seemed like something was missing and he knows it's not his full collection, but he doesn’t know what.
It lacked personality, really.
Katsuki skims Izuku’s fridge, seeing what might be there to cook with. It’s filled to the brim with things like a single container of leftover rice and two eggs, great. Good thing that Katsuki’s good at improvising and starts looking around the kitchen for other spices he could use.
It would be too late now to head over to his apartment so he figured he’d just make something here, it wouldn’t be the first time.
Adding the two eggs to the pan, he listens to the crackle of the oil. The smell emitting from the fried eggs wafts through the kitchen to the rest of the house. It, paired with the noise allows himself to fully come to his senses.
It’s the best sleep he’s gotten in a while. Though, he always slept better with Izuku.
It's like his subconscious knows that he can fully rest with Izuku. He doesn't have to worry or wonder if he’s alive, not when he’s right by his side.
A part of him will always inevitably fret over Izuku, it’s just in his nature to. Even when he hated him, the smallest part of him still cared. Which killed him so much, he spent his entire adolescence trying to unsuccessfully stop it. Now it's all he can feel. It frightens him how much he loves Izuku; it's an all encompassing pressure in his chest, threatening to spill wherever he so much as looks at him. He’s never felt this much intense emotions for something in his life. Being the number one hero is the closest thing, but without Izuku there to challenge him, it fails in comparison.
Back when working on the suit, sometimes, randomly, he would find himself staring at Izuku’s caller ID. Contemplating the idea of calling, just to see how he was doing. Listening to old voicemails because he simply missed the sound of his voice. But he never pressed anything, not when he didn’t have a justifiable reason to do so.
Visiting UA was a double win. Izuku got a guest speaker for his kids and he got to see Izuku. Although there’s only so many times you can visit a place you don’t belong before it gets awkward. So he made sure his visits were scarce.
Katsuki adds the rice to the eggs, as well as sprinkles in the spices found in Izuku’s cabinet and serves. He knows he should wake Izuku up, but he can’t.
It all feels strangely domestic, them sleeping together, making breakfast in the morning. It's dangerously similar to everything he wants, and what he knows is never going to happen.
He needs to stop this, stop thinking this way. Izuku called him to lean on him, and all he can think about is himself, how he feels. How much he wants Izuku to be with him forever, to spend every second of every day with him if he can. To never even think about looking at anyone else besides him. He wants to the point where he’d beg, he’d get down on both knees if that made a difference. But his feelings don’t matter.
He needs to stop being selfish, but that's the problem. He's always selfish when it comes to Izuku.
But that’s something he needs to let go.
So Katsuki lets Izuku sleep in a little longer and leaves his breakfast covered with a note on the table. It reads,
EAT OR DIE!!! - K
In a scraggly font that is probably too hard to read. He makes his way back into Izuku’s room, and looks over at him sleeping. Fondness fills his heart when he sees that Izuku still sleeps with a smile on his face.
He hopes that, if anything, that is the one thing that will never change.
Izuku’s smile is wide enough to where there is a small pool of his drool near his mouth. Katsuki should think that it's gross, but he finds it cute. He pushes a strand of hair back and tucks it behind his ear before leaving.
The one thing that will never change for him though, is his love for Izuku.