Chapter Text
Nothing matters,
Is what Rin realised three days before his eventual death.
He recognised it while sitting on the edge of his bed, sheets rumpled beneath white knuckles, his gym bag open and belongings strewn across the floor. Rin could feel his feet –worn and aching– as he brought his knees up to his chest on the bed, trying to ignore the thumping heat in his heels as they rested upon the blanket.
It wasn’t a shattering discovery. If anything Rin felt a sense of relief that he finally figured it out. In the sense of being glad you didn’t miss the bus to school, or finding out the leftovers you packed away were left untouched. It wasn’t crazy, loud or disturbing, it didn’t blow up like fireworks, all consuming and disorientating; it was quiet. Something like the sound of the waves kissing the sand during a winter morning.
Rin is standing on the edge of this metaphorical beach. On the part where the concrete just meets the sand. He sucks a deep breath in, as if to consume the windy morning and the dark clouds that come along with it. Rin knows that eventually he’ll be deep, deep underneath the ground– in the way that he’ll be surrounded by blue, and untouched by the sun’s gaze underwater. He closes his eyes in his next inhale, and reopens them on his exhale, meeting the dark comfort of his room. Staring into his own reflection and looking back at himself within a glass picture frame.
Rin doesn’t realise he’s stopped breathing until he leans forward to grab the picture frame. Feeling the burn in his oesophagus and the twitching in his hands as he grasps the glass frame within his fingers. He finally inhales through his nose, opening his mouth to exhale as he looks down at the frame, running his finger over the image of his own chubby little head as a toddler. His fingers tracing a line to his older brother standing next to him, gently caressing Sae’s head where the image of his micro bangs lay flat against his forehead.
He wishes that he realised it sooner; he won’t ever stand next to his older brother, that they’d never take a photo together after playing on the same field.
It’s not that Rin wishes it weren’t true, he wishes he faced the truth sooner. In reality, he’ll never live up to his brother, that his life truly doesn’t make a difference in the world.
If Sae doesn’t want him, who will?
If he isn’t good at soccer, what else can he contribute to?
What has his life led up to all these years?
Rin drops the picture frame on the floor, ignoring the crack of glass that reverberates around the room, a waver in the comforting silence that Rin has attached himself to. He turns away from the mess on the floor, laying down on his bed turning to face the wall, curled up on his side.
He’s decided,
He’ll die in three days.
—
On the morning of the third last day Rin gets woken up by pots and pans being slammed together in the kitchen. Sluggishly squirming in his bed he tries to ignore the unsettling (and frankly, annoying) presence that the sound has in his room. But once Rin’s awake he can also feel the way that the sun peeks through the crack of his curtains, and how his limbs ache from being huddled up beneath his blanket. A terrible feeling of being too tired to get up, but too awake to fall back asleep. As Rin grasps being in the middle of the spectrum, the clashing sound continues to make his head throb, forcing Rin to sit up on shaky arms and throw his legs over the edge of the bed, sitting there in silence.
Rin looks down at his feet, his head tilting to the side as if to fall back upon his pillow. Instead, he brings his hands up to his face, tracing the pads of his fingers across the darkening circles under his eyes, as if forcing himself to open his eyes fully.
When Rin eventually slides off the bed he stands up on his own two legs, letting himself stretch, his arms reaching high above his head and ever so slightly standing on his tiptoes. He moves across his room lethargically before stopping in front of a mirror to stare at himself. He leans down, tracing his gaze along his face, then down his torso, and eventually his legs.
Rin hates it.
His limbs are too lanky, there’s too much fat on his thighs that he hasn’t turned into muscle, his posture is ever so slightly curled, his spine becoming prominent as he leans closer into the mirror. Nothing in the way he looks makes sense, his torso is too skinny and the developing abs on his stomach don’t look attractive at all. He brings up a hand to brush his fingers through his side bang, the grease upon each strand sticking to his knuckles as they brush against the side of his face. His hair is too messy, the colour is disgusting, and the way it covers his face makes him look like he’s still in middle school.
Rin lets out an audible sigh, as if physically expressing his disappointment in himself. Dropping his hands to his sides, he turns away from the mirror as he fights the urge to gag at his own appearance. He hates his body, hates his brain, hates himself.
Reluctantly, Rin takes a few more steps to his door, pushing it open weakly and slipping out of the small crack.
The sounds of pots and pans have become louder, and faint chatter can be heard between each small break of sound. Rin perks up at that, slowly walking to the top of the stairs to try and peek down to see who’s talking in the kitchen. The low voice of Sae talking can be heard. Smooth and cold like a frozen over lake in winter. Rin can’t help the way he clicks his tongue in annoyance, bubbling and rising up in his chest– too big the way it expands, too uncomfortable. He walks down the steps anyways, being abundantly aware to keep his footsteps quiet with each stair he walks down. As he gets a full-view of the kitchen, he realises who the other voice is, Shidou.
Rin’s surprised he didn’t notice it earlier, that the irritating, grating voice of his brother’s boyfriend wasn’t familiar enough. Sae’s standing at the sink, washing dishes as Shidou puts them away, light, intimate chatter being exchanged between them.
It’s disgusting, seeing how soft Sae can get.
It makes something hurt deep in Rin’s chest.
Shidou is the one who notices Rin first. A sharp grin starting to make its way on his face as he calls out.
“Hey lil’ lashes, what’s up?!”
Rin feels utterly disturbed by Shidou’s voice, his eye twitching involuntarily as he grumbles, “Don’t call me that.”
“Yikes! Early in the morning and you’re still this cranky? Don’t you ever get sick of it?” Shidou coos, his words covered in fake sweetness as he pouts, putting down a plate so he can wave Rin off like he’s some petulant child. Rin growls, “Shut your mouth, Cockroach–”
“Stop arguing.”
Sae’s low voice cuts in, shutting Rin up. Rin turns his attention to Sae, who’s staring at his boyfriend with a hint of annoyance dusted over his features.
“It’s still morning, there’s no need to start petty fights.” There’s a sluggish tone that wavers in Sae’s voice, whose gaze turns to Rin, staring through Rin’s head rather than at him.
The hurt in Rin’s chest stings.
Shidou sighs, and he moves over to rest his head on Sae’s shoulder, feigning sadness. “You’re always being so stern, can’t you let me have my fun one of these days?”
Sae raises a brow, and reluctantly he leans into Shidou’s warmth, muttering something under his breath that Rin doesn’t get the chance to hear.
After a few seconds of tense silence Rin asks, trying to keep the grumble out of his voice as he addresses his older brother. “Why’re you doing the dishes?”
“Because someone didn’t do their own ones.” Sae snaps back at Rin, making Rin wince.
Sae was right, last night Rin was too busy moping in his own depression, and sadness and whatever else to do his own dishes. Instead of the hot, burning anger from being embarrassed he’s supposed to feel, it cools down and makes space for itself in Rin’s lower stomach, rooting him to his spot as Sae continues.
“Honestly Rin, learn to do your own chores, no one’s going to pick up after yourself when you become an adult– or are you going to stay as a child for the rest of your life?”
Sae spits, scrubbing the plate in his hand harder as he glares at Rin. Beside Sae, Shidou gasps loudly, clearly instigating as he throws his two cents in, “Oh! You totally told him, babe! Anything you wanna say back?” Shidou says innocently, clearly smirking behind his hand.
A flush of embarrassment rises on Rin’s cheeks, and the anger in his gut heats up again, but he doesn’t snap back, he just bites his tongue and grits out. “Okay, sorry.”
Sae rolls his eyes, turning his attention back down to the now empty sink.
“Sorry is not going to cut it next time, you need to learn how to be independent and stand up on your own two feet. Don’t you actually want to live a meaningful life?” He drawls, turning away to wipe his hands on a tea towel.
And Rin wants to hiss out that actually he doesn’t, actually, he won’t see next week–or hell, even the end of this one. But he doesn’t, he keeps his jaw clenched shut, his teeth aching as he turns away and walks up the stairs, dragging his feet until he eventually reaches the top.
Up here, he can hear the chatter between Sae and Shidou start again, Sae hissing out.
“He’s not a child, if he can’t do things on his own then there’s no point of him even growing up in the first place.”
Shidou says something that almost sounds like a rebuttal, but Rin doesn’t stay to hear it. He goes back to his room, ignoring the mirror this time as he grabs random clothes out of his dresser. He holds them under one arm as he makes his way to his desk, rummaging under papers and pens to grab the razor blade hidden between his stationary.
As he holds it in his hand he realises he’s shaking.
Rin is embarrassed. He’s angry and he hates, hates, hates his brother.
His hand curls up into a fist, ignoring the slow, prolonged sting of pain, and eventually the liquid dripping off his palm.
He doesn’t care about the trail he leaves behind in his room as he storms into the main bathroom in the hallway. Shutting the door behind him with his closed fist and dropping his clothes onto the bathroom floor carelessly.
It’s muscle memory the way he turns on the shower, putting it on the highest setting and waiting for it to heat up. Standing in front of the sink and using the mirror to stare into his own eyes. He looks no better under this lighting. He drops his razor blade onto the kitchen counter, not caring for the way that blood spatters around it. He brings up his hands and curls his fingers around the collar of his long sleeve, wincing as he pulls it up over his head and throws it on the ground next to his clean clothes.
He really is disgusting.
His eyes trace up the keloid scars on his arms and shoulders, all burning and stinging as if they happened only a few seconds ago. Every time he lets his gaze rest upon a scar he can remember the feeling of having his skin sliced open, the familiar disappointment, the shame, it traces it way down his arms and into his hands, making his fingertips shake restlessly.
He grabs the razor blade between his pointer and thumb, so carefully as he rests the threatening edge against his wrist.
Each slice is filled with shame. Shame of the fact he didn’t do the dishes, shame of the way Sae looked at him with anger, shame of the way Shidou laughed at him. How little these problems are, but it’s all still shame– the very thing that consumes Rin’s life.
When he feels his head start to spin he drops the razor blade onto the ground. Automatically, Rin takes off his pants and boxers, stepping into the scalding water and sucking in a deep breath. The heat and the thumping pain under the skin are a dangerous combo, forcing Rin to take deep breaths. Rin almost takes a step back out of the shower to catch his breath.
But no, nothing matters,
Rin reminds himself.
Shame, cutting, anger, boiling showers. In the end, why would these things matter to Rin? He’s dying in three days. Three measly days is all he has to deal with after all, and then,
Nothing matters.
The rest of the day is filled with quiet, a stark difference from the moment Rin woke up.
At some point, Rin finds himself curled up in bed, staring at his phone screen, blinking slowly to try and keep himself from falling asleep.
It’s late afternoon, and any other day Rin would be returning home from practice with his team, it’s the first time he skipped in a while, especially on a Sunday like this.
He isn’t surprised when he gets a text message from Isagi, the notification popping up and snapping Rin out of his doomscrolling. It reads,
“Hey Rin, you okay?”
Rin clicks his tongue, promptly ignoring the message to continue the lazy spiral of watching videos on the internet.
“You missed out on today’s practice, let’s catch up tomorrow!”
Rin sighs aloud, just setting his phone down next to his head. He curls up slightly more, ignoring the ache in his back as he does so.
There’s no point in trying to practice, in hanging out with his soccer rival. Isagi can keep the damn awards, he can score the winning goal and become the best striker, on the best team ever. He doesn’t care anymore.
He doesn’t.
Rin tries to convince himself as he tilts his head to hide his face in his pillow, tears running down his face.
—
On his second last day, Rin finds himself sitting in class.
All day he’s been purposely ignoring and hiding from everyone on his team. especially Isagi.
That boy has been texting and calling non-stop, stalking down the halls and looking in every first year classroom to try and find Rin. (Rin knows, because some people in his grade have come up to him and warned him.)
Rin bites his lip in thought, resting back in his seat as he tries to focus on his lesson instead. But his thoughts keep straying to the deadline he’s made for himself. He needs to write letters, maybe even a will. He needs to clean up his room, the bathroom, throw stuff out that he doesn’t need anymore to make things easier–
–suddenly killing himself sounds like a chore.
He doesn’t even notice when the bell rings for the end of the day until his fellow classmates start to pack up. Rin snaps out of his spiral and starts to pack his things as well, knowing that if he doesn’t get out soon Isagi will definitely find him.
That is short-lived when in the corner of his eye, he sees Isagi enter his classroom.
He stares at Rin intently, a bubbly look on his face as he practically skips over to Rin, patting his back and saying in a sweet tone, with an even sweeter smile.
“Hey, Rin. Let’s walk home together.”
So Rin finds himself walking home with Isagi, who is currently chatting his ear off about some drama at school.
Even now, Rin can’t find it in himself to snap at Isagi and storm off. Instead, he stares at Isagi’s face, at his closed eyes as he recalls the next part of his story, his lop-sided smile as he shows his own amusement at the drama– and for some reason, his blue eyes shine even brighter, despite the contrasting glowing yellow on them.
It’s no secret that Isagi is handsome, hell, Rin has to be next to him every other day. Everything about Isagi makes sense, his body, his face. Rin hates to admit it but something about him craves Isagi– craves to be him.
“But yeah, what do you think?” Isagi asks casually, looking up at Rin.
Rin blinks once, twice, and he settles on,
“I don’t care.”
“Yeah, I should’ve expected that you would say that,” Isagi sighs. Moving to nudge Rin’s side.
They reach the part where they go separate ways, they should go separate ways, but as Rin turns away, Isagi’s footsteps don't go further, they come closer. Isagi practically sticks to his side, chuckling, “At this point I know you better than you do!”
Rin hides his shock at Isagi following him, and he asks bluntly, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Isagi shrugs, and he says scratching his head “hanging out with you?”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No!”
“Well we’re already hanging out, so you can’t say no!”
Rin ignores the urge to slap Isagi silly, and he just keeps walking, muttering, “You’re so irritating.”
“You always say that, but I’m not sure if you mean it.” Isagi practically purrs, leaning against Rin’s side. Rin’s heart leaps, stopping for a beat at Isagi’s tone, and he just sputters out, walking faster. “You disgust me.”
A while later, Rin eventually finds a bench to sit at. In front of an old convenience store, the sun starting to set and the sky filled with yellows and oranges. Isagi comes out of the store, holding two cans of ice-cold soda, holding one out to touch Rin’s cheek as he huffs.
“You should be grateful that your upperclassman is treating you so nicely.”
Rin rolls his eyes, and he says dryly, “You could be my underclassman and I’d still treat you like shit.”
Isagi chuckles, sitting next to Rin, “So you admit it!”
Rin shrugs lazily in response, turning his focus away to the empty one-way street the convenience store resides in. It’s quiet in this corner of the neighbourhood, and yet just enough people stop by to keep the business thriving. Isagi makes himself comfortable next to Rin on the bench, crossing one leg over the other and leaning back onto the wooden back post that it’s been shaped into.
Silence stretches for what feels like hours, both of them just staring off into the distance. None of them open their mouths, except to take sips of their drinks slowly, calmly. Wordlessly, Isagi rests his palm on Rin’s thigh, making Rin flinch and jerk away, he spits out.
“Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!” He’s ready to push Isagi off of him, to pull him closer, to do a mix of both, but all Isagi replies with is a whisper.
“Something's off with you.” Isagi stares up at Rin, blue meeting teal in the middle.
Rin blinks, and he says, the bite in his voice wavering.
“What?”
“You think I can’t tell, Rin?”
Isagi says, his voice slightly rougher than before. He moves closer to Rin, his grip on Rin’s thigh tightening as he speaks.
“You haven’t been coming to practice, you are even more down than usual, and your voice lacks the hostility that makes you, you. What the hell is up?” Isagi says, the bite turning into worry, hanging off each word and dropping onto the ground as it reaches Rin. Rin scoffs, he says back, trying to add the hostility that he apparently lost in his voice.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, tepid. You– you don’t know anything at all!”
“So then tell me!” Isagi begs, leaning into Rin’s personal space. Their faces are just a few centimetres away from each other. “Who would understand better, then your greatest rival?”
Rin stays silent, and he says, his voice getting weaker. “No, you wouldn’t.” When Isagi’s hand traces up his thigh, up, up, up to rest on Rin’s shoulder, Rin entertains the idea that maybe he would understand. That something real could come out of this, that they could come out of this.
When Isagi bats his eyelashes up at Rin, and the warmth of his hand seems to multiply ten fold. Rin leans down, closing the distance between them.
Rin kisses Isagi.
It’s quiet, soft, and chaste. Only lasting for a few pathetic seconds. .
When Rin pulls away, he sees Isagi’s eyes, wide open in shock and redness over his cheeks, seemingly getting deeper every second they look into each other's eyes. He sputters out, hitting Rin’s chest weakly as he tries to regain his composure.
“What– what was that?!”
Rin isn’t sure what this feeling in his chest is, does he like Isagi? Does he just enjoy his presence? Maybe Rin hates him, maybe Rin should shove him to the ground, maybe he should wrap his arms around Isagi instead. What if he leaned in for another kiss, and this time he sunk his teeth into the fat of Isagi’s bottom lip? He doesn’t get the chance to think again when Isagi grabs his collar. The redness on his face settled perfectly over his features. Isagi’s eyes flutter, and he seems oddly shy as he asks, his grip on Rin’s collar tightening.
“Rin, how do you feel about me?”
Rin doesn’t know.
But he leans in again, the time limit on his life weighing heavy on his heart when his lips touch Isagi’s again. This time Isagi reciprocates. Isagi meets Rin half way, his grip loosening on Rin’s collar, dropping his hand to rest against Rin’s chest. Rin shivers, this time nipping at Isagi’s lip like he imagined, the flinch Isagi does is what he craves.
After Rin goes, will the bruise on Isagi’s lip stay?
Rin pulls away to breathe, feeling his own face heat up at the sight of his rival/friend/lover’s slightly messy appearance. Rin doesn’t know why he’s doing this. Why he’s kissing Isagi, why he’s acting so out of character. He knows that this isn’t fair to Isagi, that he’s getting Isagi’s hopes up. But he’s too damn selfish.
Isagi brings up his hands to cup Rin’s face, pulling him down to Isagi’s height and pressing their lips together again, the setting sun heating up the sides of their faces each time they kiss, again and again. After a few moments Isagi pulls away ever so slightly, and he asks in a murmur. “Is this your first time?” His lips touch Rin’s as he asks.
Rin feels the heat in his cheeks turn into embarrassment, and his tone is gruff as he begrudgingly admits. “..Yeah.”
Isagi just laughs, pulling away fully and dropping his hands from Rin’s face, resting them on his own lap. By now, the sun is almost fully set, and Isagi’s eyes are no longer full of the sun, but the twilight that hangs above them in the sky. It’s even more mesmerising– and Rin is glad he allowed himself the sight before he dies.
Isagi stands up, his moves slow and almost reluctant. He brushes a hand through his hair, and he says in a playful huff. “On Saturday, take me out on a date.”
Rin’s eyes widen, and he says, reaching out to grab Isagi’s hand. When he feels his fingers clasp around Isagi’s warm wrist, his heartbeat throbbing against the pads of Rin’s fingers, he can feel guilt rise in his chest, making him nauseous. He’s being selfish, he’s being cruel. He shouldn’t have done this to Isagi.
Rin nods, and he says, his voice a low whisper.
“You better be prepared.”
(Saturday will still arrive, but Rin will not be there to see it.)
—
On Rin’s last day alive, he misses out on school.
It’s 10am and despite the late morning the neighbourhood stays quiet. He’s in bed, curled up and tired. It’s the weight of the lack of time he has. It makes him queasy.
His phone rings beside where his head rests on his pillow. He doesn’t check to see who’s calling. He just hides his face in his pillow, moving his hands down to wrap around his waist, feeling a rumble in his stomach. He’s hungry.
Rin clicks his tongue, but he doesn’t feel angry or upset. He doesn’t feel much of anything today.
He sits up on his bed, the rumbling in his stomach becoming louder– almost protesting against Rin moving at all. Rin realises that his stomach isn’t rumbling because he’s hungry, but more because he’s nauseous.
A part of him wishes he went to school today, so he could look everyone in the eye one last time, so he could leave more marks on Isagi’s body. Cuts and bruises that allow Rin to live longer though his physical body wouldn’t. He regrets not going to practice. He imagines how the team would be without him. Would they be better? Would they be worse?
Rin decides that he doesn’t care, that it doesn’t matter as the end draws near.
He stands up from his bed, lazily making his way towards his dresser. He shrugs off his sleep shirt and pants, rummaging through the drawers for a long sleeve and sweats. He couldn’t care any less for showering and cleaning up. He doesn’t want to see himself right now, he knows that when he looks in that bathroom mirror he’ll never look away, he wants to die happy– in bliss.
He groggily changes into his new clothes, and makes a point not to look at the mirror in his room as he walks up to the door. He opens it a peek, looking through the small crack to see if anyone is outside.
He knows that his parents are at work, so he’s in the clear with them. But today’s a tuesday, so Sae doesn’t have any university classes today. Rin preemptively sneaks out of his room lest he gets questioned by Sae. He makes sure to step on the wooden floors that don’t creak, making his way downstairs as quietly as he can.
As he walks through the living room to the entrance, the front door opens.
It’s Sae. He’s holding a small plastic bag from the convenience store ‘round the corner.
He blinks at Rin, and Rin blinks back. They stay in silence for a few moments. Then Sae says, his tone low and slightly confused.
“Why aren’t you at school?”
Rin hesitates, looking down at his pair of shoes next to the front door. He could just put them on and run out– ignoring Sae’s question entirely. But part of him feels obliged to say something to Sae, as this is the last time they’ll ever talk.
“I’m sick.” Rin whispers, (and he’s not entirely wrong,) ignoring how Sae’s look of confusion hardens into something more firmer.
“Yeah right, ‘sick’ my ass.” Sae scoffs, rolling his eyes as he moves past Rin. Even as he leaves Rin’s sight Rin can still feel his brother’s eyes on him. “You look emaciated.” Sae adds on with a huff from behind Rin, his footsteps sounding further and further as he walks upstairs.
Rin feels himself tense up at Sae’s words, and he turns around to see Sae just disappearing upstairs. He only sighs, walking over to his pair of shoes and starting to put them on.
He doesn’t care, Rin reminds himself. He shouldn’t care about something petty like this. Yet a part of him feels almost sad– that the last talk he would have with his older brother is his brother being pissed that he’s skipping school. Surely God could’ve been a little kinder, a little nicer, and finally gave Rin a good memory of Sae, giving him a moment that he could cherish.
Rin steps forward, sitting down at the front door as he slips his shoes on, a gooey feeling of sentimentality making his hands shake as he ties his shoelaces. Rin doesn’t know why it’s hitting him now, he’s not doing anything of note specifically. But maybe this is what Rin is trying to remember, keeping the little moments in life close to his chest.
He sucks in a deep breath as he stands back up, running a hand through his hair and opening the door with his other. Rin shuts the door behind himself. The quietness of the neighbourhood is a loudness all in itself. He walks down the neighbourhood, focusing his eyes on the scenery around him, trying to keep all these sights in his memory.
As he walks down the road, he can almost see his younger self–maybe five or six years old– running down beside him. He remembers racing Sae, their small feet only pitter-pattering on the pavement.
He hears his own childish laughter ring in his ears. It makes him tear up.
Rin brings up his hand to harshly wipe away the upcoming tears, silently punishing himself for being so weak. He walks faster down the road, faster, faster, and then he’s running. He gasps for air every step, and he convinces himself that the tears that are falling down his eyes are just from the wind drying them out.
He doesn’t realise when he’s standing in front of the convenience store. He was here yesterday with Isagi. The store always looks frozen in time, never changing despite the people and the workers and everyone else that the store has welcomed.
Rin walks in, ignoring the ring of the bell as he walks through the aisles. He stops in the aisle full of junk food. Normally, he would walk through his part of the convenience store and scowl– he’s an athlete, he shouldn't consume food like this. He grabs a pack of chips anyway, and he grabs a can of soft drink too.
He walks up to the counter, an older lady on the other side writing down orders in a little book. She looks up as Rin approaches, and she says, her tone sweet.
“Oh, your brother was just here!”
Rin tenses, and he fights back the urge to say: ‘I don’t care.’
He says instead, “Okay. Just these.” He puts the chips and drink on the counter. The lady takes it and scans it, humming to herself. “That’ll be $4 please.” She looks up at Rin, waiting expectantly for the money.
Rin pats the pockets of his pants, so he can bring out some cash he leaves in the back of his phone and– wait, where’s his phone? He pats himself down, sweat running down the side of his head. This is his last meal and he couldn’t even cough up any money for it.
The lady laughs, and she says, waving Rin off. “It’s fine, hun. You never treat yourself anyway, I'll look away this one time.” Rin winces, and he says, meekly. “Yeah–yeah okay, thanks.” He bows politely, grabbing the food off of the counter and holding it close to his chest.
He doesn’t look back when he walks out of the store.
–
At home Rin throws the food into the bin as he walks into the kitchen.
He doesn’t feel hungry anymore, yet the gurgling in his gut feels even worse. Maybe it’s the shame.
Rin walks all the way through the kitchen and the living room, opening the back door and making his way to the small shed hidden in the corner of his backyard. He pushes the door open, ignoring the rust that sticks to the pad of his fingers as he goes deeper inside. He looks around, and finally, he sees what he’s looking for.
Rope.
He reaches for it, wrapping his fingers around the coarse texture of the beige rope. It seems too close –the end of his life he means– He walks back out of the shed back to the house, sneaking into the house and quietly closing the door behind himself. He hurriedly goes up the stairs, before Sae comes out of his room and berates Rin again.
When he sees his door, he realises it’s a crack open.
Rin’s heart drops.
He runs to his room, almost tripping as he pushes the door open.
Sae stands in the middle of the room.
Holding Rin’s bloody razor.
His room is messy, drawers open and clothes strewn around, everything thrown off the desk and his stationary poured all over it in a desperate attempt to look around his room.
Sae’s face is twisted in anger, he says, in barely concealed rage.
“What are these blood splatters on your floor?”
Rin freezes, and he opens and closes his mouth a few times, saying weakly. “I– um, Sae–” He sputters, looking around.
“If any lie comes out of your mouth right now God help me!” He throws the razor onto the ground, walking closer and closer to Rin. Rin takes a step back for every step Sae takes forward.
“Just let me explain myself–”
“You won’t!! All you do is lie, Rin. You do stupid things like this and expect me to trust you?” Sae lunges forward, grabbing onto Rin’s forearm.
Rin writhes around, trying to pull his arm away as he growls, “fuck off!” Sae pauses and he says, his grip tightening on Rin’s arm, “Don’t act so grown up, you’re just a kid– a kid that doesn’t know what he’s doing to himself–!” He lifts up Rin’s sleeve, exposing the disgusting, protruding scars on Rin’s arm.
Sae stops breathing, and despite his angry demeanour, he rubs his thumb against the keloid scars on Rin’s arm. He asks, his tone so confused, so lost. “Why did you do this?”
Rin just shakes his head, and he pulls his arm away, pushing Sae. “Just fuck off, Sae! Get out of my room!” Sae takes a few steps back, and he says, his voice biting and cold. “Show me all of them.”
“No.”
“Show me them!”
“I won’t fucking show you!”
“You’re acting stupid–”
“I’m not, you don't care!” Rin growls, stepping forward to push Sae again, his arms shaking with anger. Sae thinks for a few moments, and he holds onto the wrist of one of the hands that pushed him. “I do care.”
“All you do is say shit about me needing to grow up, about how dumb I am, about how I'll never grow up–never be successful!" Rin hesitates for a few moments, and then he spits out,
“I do this because of you!”
It’s a lie– maybe not, he’s not sure why he self harms in the first place.
Sae freezes, and he looks over Rin’s entire body, seemingly looking for an answer to tell him why–why Rin is like this, why he’s hurting– he doesn’t find it.
He realises the rope in Rin’s other hand, he scoffs, and he says, harshly, “If you kill yourself– I won’t care.” Sae pushes past Rin, walking out of the door and slamming it shut behind himself.
And those words hurt. They hurt so bad.
As soon as the door closes Rin hiccups, dropping the rope onto the floor so he could bring his hands up to his face, trying to push the tears in his eyes back. The tears escape anyways, and they’re burning hot with anger.
He picks the rope back up and he walks into his room fully, dropping the rope onto his bed and turning to grab his chair. He pulls the chair out and drags it into the middle of the room. He grabs the rope in one hand and in his other he snatches his phone from where it lies in the mess. He pockets it and stands up on the chair, his legs slightly shaky from where the chair struggles to hold his full weight. The tears running down his face don’t get any cooler, in fact they boil ruthlessly.
He gasps in between sobs as he wraps the rope around a ceiling fan. He’s not too sure about how to tie a noose, and he’s not sure if he cares.
As long as he’s dead. That’s all that matters.
He ties a knot around the other end of the rope, leaving space for his head to fit. He pulls his head through and tightens the rope, tight, tight, tight around his neck. He brings his phone up to his face and he scrolls through his contact list. Who should he call? His mum? His dad? He continues to scroll until he sees his name: Isagi.
Rin chokes back a sob, and he presses the call button, bringing it up to his ear as Isagi answers.
”Rin?”
“Yeah it’s me,” Rin whispers, his voice shaky.
”What’s wrong, you didn’t come to school today?”
“I’m not sure, ‘m just not feeling like myself lately.”
”Oh, well that’s no good, should I come over?”
“No, don’t come over, I’m fine,” Rin rushes out, sniffling a bit as his mind spirals.
How would Isagi react to his dead body? Would he sneak into his room, his footsteps almost silent as he clutches Rin’s body, cradling his cold, dead body to his chest? Maybe Isagi would hold him so tightly that their hearts would be pressed up against each other, Isagi’s beating so fast that it jump starts his own.
The chair splinters under his weight, and Isagi says, his tone oddly gentle.
”I’m looking forward to Saturday.” He says, as if it’s casual conversation.
”I’m also looking forward to seeing you at practice again.”
"Rin, I really care about you, the entire team does.”
Rin feels himself start to sob again.
“Rin, I think I love you.”
And something clicks in Rin’s mind.
He’s standing at the metaphorical beach again, in the middle where the sand touches the concrete. This entire time, he thought he was walking closer to the waves, but he’s taking steps away. These last few days, if only Rin realised this sooner; It all matters. Arguing with Sae, kissing Isagi, playing soccer, going to school– living.
“I don’t want to die.” Rin chokes out, sobbing into the phone.
“Isagi, I don’t want to die–
–I don’t want to–!”
The chair snaps under his weight.