Chapter Text
Tony Stark SI
Cale
Need you to do that thing again
What thing?
You grumbled about manhattan traffic and then the freeway mysteriously shut down
Worked last time
Do it again
That wasn't intentional. I was just complaining.
Yeah well, now you’re my magic eight ball
Come one give me another one
Fine.
Some idiot’s going to drive straight into a storefront downtown.
Happy?
You're a ray of sunshine doc
Thanks
Tony Stark SI
What the fuck.
?
Did the wire blow up again?
Wow
Amazing confidence in me thanks
Tony, you got badly burned from that.
Occupational hazard
Anyway
Car through the window of that electronics store on broadway
News is all over it
That was supposed to be a joke.
Tony.
Tell me you're lying.
Live footage says otherwise
You know you never know what kind of day people had
Tony.
It's not a joke?
Why do you sound like you've seen a ghost
Because I might have.
Please say it's a coincidence.
Once is chance. Twice is
Eh
Still chance
Probably
Good.
I refuse to be a saint again.
Again??
Since when were you a saint????
Just got offered.
And pretended to be one.
Well, technically a priest is close to a saint.
????what
The fuck does that mean
Doc
Were you in a cult??
Cale
Cale henituse
Just forget it, it doesn't matter.
Hell it doesn't
You can’t just drop “I used to be a saint” and ghost me
Anyone who gets too close to a god just suffer or die fast where I'm from.
That's all you need to know.
What does that even mean??
Doesn't that contradict every religion ever
No actually
Where the fuck are you even from???
It means I'm not doing it again.
Look if you're actually some kind of oracle I'm not going to
I don't know
Lock you in a tower or something
Reassuring.
Best I can do
Maybe lay off the predictions for a while though
Just to be safe
Already planned on it.
I need alcohol.
I have good scotch. Tower tonight?
Fine.
Tony Stark SI
You made it back alive?
Yeah. Not that drunk.
Could’ve fooled me
Still don’t get why you insist on going home when you could just crash here
Can't sleep in your tower.
What my decor too overwhelming for your peasant sensibilities?
Oh
You still remember what you said about a blackout?
Tony.
I'm going to block you.
Yeah well, guess what
42nd street blacked out tonight, fried half the circuit grid or something
You're lying.
It's not funny.
Want a photo?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
You lied didn't you.
Alright busted
I lied
But a fire hydrant did explode in brooklyn, which is basically what you also said
Pretty sure that makes you a saint
Should I be tithing to you now?
Fuck.
I need to get drunk.
Lucky you, bar's still open at the tower. Second round?
Screw you.
I'm on my way.
Tony Stark SI
Quick question
You're in a cult right?
No...?
Oh
I mean you WERE in a cult right?
No.
Yeah see, that’s what people in cults say
I’m not in a cult. And I will never be in one, Tony.
Sure your wound will heal
Anyway
What’s this about god of death that you write on the whiteboard?
You snap the marker like it personally insulted your mother
Religious trauma?
Oh.
I forgot to dispose of that.
So like
You're really sure you're not in a cult anymore?
??
I was never in one.
Right. Totally
And here I thought we were past denial
No but seriously, you know that god of death isn’t real and can’t hurt you right?
I know.
I still hate it.
So I don’t need to call a therapist?
Why would you need a therapist??
Well I don’t know
Maybe for my cult-survivor doctor
Again. I’m not in a cult.
And I’m definitely not worried about you at all
Don’t you dare call a therapist on me.
You know what
That’s what the therapist should decide
Tony.
What the fuck.
I'm not in a cult.
And I never was.
So this god of death you hate so much…?
Can't I hate it?
It's annoying.
And why is it annoying….?
Why isn't it??
Right...
Tony.
Sorry doc. Got a meeting Talk to you later Tony??
Tony Stark SI
Meeting's boring
Thank god it’s not the board
I’d rather jump out the window than sit through those old guys talking
You didn't actually call anyone, did you?
Define call
Tony.
I may have mentioned to Pepper that my doctor has some interesting religious opinions
I'm going to kill you.
She's amused
Said everyone in New York has religious trauma
I don't have religious trauma.
I just hate gods.
...that's literally what religious trauma is doc
No, it's not.
Religious trauma is when religion hurts you.
I just think gods are annoying.
And why do you think gods are annoying
They make people do stupid things.
Like giving prophecy?
Like deciding who deserves to live.
Cale
That's oddly specific
Is it?
Yeah it is
Most people would say like guilt and shame and abuse or something
Not
Whatever that is
Maybe it is oddly specific.
Cale
That's not annoying
That's fucked up
Yeah, well.
Gods are fucked up.
Who told you gods decide who deserves to live
Nobody told me.
Then how do you know
I just know.
That's not an answer
Cale where did this come from
Does it matter?
It does
Because normal people don't just randomly know that
I'm not normal people.
No shit
Look I don't know what happened to you
But gods aren't real and they can't hurt anyone
I know that.
Do you?
Yes.
Because you sound like someone who's seen some shit
And I'm definitely calling that therapist now
Don't.
Tony.
God.
Tony Stark SI
How's Dr Feliz
Tony, I swear to God.
See? More religious references
This is exactly what I'm talking about
That's just a figure of speech.
Is it though
Yes, it fucking is.
So what did she say
She said I'm perfectly normal.
No she didn't
She said I have unconventional perspectives on mythology.
Why mythology
I may have told her I think Greek gods are assholes.
....why greek gods specifically
Zeus is a serial rapist and Hera takes it out on his victims instead of him.
Apollo flayed a satyr alive for daring to challenge him to a music contest.
Aphrodite cursed a woman to commit bestiality with a bull for not making enough offerings for her.
Okay those are fair
But you know they're just stories right
Obviously.
Then why do you get so angry about it
Because gods are awful.
The whole concept of divine authority pisses me off.
That's
Actually a really good point
It's just the principle.
What principle?
That gods are selfish assholes who think they can do whatever they want.
And that I hate everything about how gods operate.
Fictional or not.
I just realized you've never talked this much before
And we're talking about about how gods are awful of all things
But I can now actually get behind you for that
You still snapped my marker in half though
You brought up the god of death first.
I already forgot about him.
I mentioned it was trending on some mythology blog
That's not the same thing
Same difference.
No it's not
Also Dr Feliz wants to see you again
For what?
She said I'm fine.
She's intrigued by your academic interest in comparative mythology
I'm not going back.
That's just your trap.
She thinks you'd make a good mythology professor
Absolutely not.
Why not
You clearly know your stuff
I know enough to hate it.
That doesn't mean I want to teach it.
But think about it
You could teach kids why gods suck
Isn't that what you want?
That's actually not a terrible idea.
Right?
Professor Henituse has a nice ring to it
I'm still your doctor though.
Obviously
Someone needs to keep me alive
And someone needs to pay my rent.
Already gave Pepper your info for the salary bump
Plus hazard pay for dealing with me
Good.
You're definitely a hazard.
Hey
I'm a delight
You made me go to therapy.
And now you might become a professor
You're welcome
Remind me to buy some markers.
Tony Stark SI
I may have made a purchase mistake
What did you buy this time?
It's not a Christmas tree, right?
Tony, I told you it's still summer.
What no
It's just pajamas
Matching ones
That's sweet.
Pepper will love them.
See that's the problem
She took one look and said no
Claims they're too much
What do they look like?
They're tasteful
Classy
High quality silk
Tony.
What do they look like?
Iron man themed
Oh, my god.
They have little arc reactors on them
No.
And tiny repulsors
Please tell me you didn't get them in gold and red.
No....
You did.
They glow in the dark
No.
Wait
I have an extra set
Absolutely not.
I'll pay you
Not even if you doubled my salary.
Tripled?
I would rather sleep naked.
TMI doc
But also
These are really nice pajamas
They're Iron Man pajamas.
For adults.
That glow in the dark.
Your point?
My point is you're a grown man.
A grown man who's a superhero
I think I've earned the right to wear whatever pajamas I want
But I'm not joining you.
What if I told you they have little shields on the back
For protection
From nightmares?
Hey those are a real medical concern
You should be supporting this
I support your mental health.
Not your fashion choices.
Rude
I have excellent taste
In everything except pajamas apparently.
I'm wearing them anyway
Enjoy your glowing pajamas, Tony.
I will
They make me feel powerful
You're ridiculous.
But lovably so
That's debatable.
The Boss
Pep
If it's about the pajamas the answer is still no
But what specifically is wrong with them
Where do I start
The iron man theme is tasteful
Tony, they have your face on them
My helmet
There's a difference
Not really
What about the arc reactor detail
That's just good design
It lights up
So does the real one
The real one keeps you alive
The pajama one is just tacky
Okay, fine
What about the repulsor details
They're on the sleeves, Tony
Why would you need repulsors on pajama sleeves?
Fashion statement?
I can only see it as a cry for help
But surely the glow in the dark feature is practical
Safety in the dark
Emergency lighting
Tony
They glow BRIGHT green
All night
Visibility is important
I tried them on for five minutes and felt like a human glow stick
That sounds awesome
It was horrible
I looked like I belonged in a rave
So that's a hard no on couple's pjs?
That's a hard no on those specific pajamas
If you want matching pajamas get normal ones
Define normal
No superheroes
No glowing
No electronic components whatsoever
That's very restrictive
Those are the terms
What if I just wore mine alone
In your own room
With the door closed
Harsh
Cale said the same thing basically
Cale has good taste
You're both ganging up on me
We're trying to save you from yourself
My pjs are not a threat to anyone
They're a threat to good taste everywhere
I'm wearing them anyway
I know you are
Just don't post pictures
I make no promises
Tony
Fine
No social media
You're no fun
I'm the reason you still have a reputation
Fair
I love you
I love you too
Tony Stark SI
Cale
You okay?
You ran out pretty fast
Cale?
Look I'm sorry
I didn't think you'd come check on me
Usually you just text
What the actual fuck, Tony.
There he is
You're alive
No thanks to you.
Who the hell stands in a pitch black room wearing glow in the fucking dark pajamas.
I was testing the glow feature
You looked like a radioactive scarecrow.
I didn't
I thought you were some kind of green monster.
Nearly had a heart attack.
But you didn't
Nice reflexes by the way
Don't.
You dove behind the couch in record time
I said don't.
Very tactical
I'm never checking on you again.
Next time you can die in your glowing pajamas for all I care.
You were worried about me?
You missed dinner.
That usually means you're unconscious somewhere.
Aw you do care
I care about my paycheck.
Can't get paid if you're dead.
Sure doc
That's totally why you brought soup
You saw the soup?
Hard to miss when you dropped it everywhere
That's your fault.
I'll buy you more soup
You'll clean up the mess.
The cleaning lady can handle it
You'll clean it up yourself.
With your own hands.
While wearing those ridiculous pajamas.
That seems excessive
Fair punishment.
I said I was sorry
No, you didn't.
I meant to
Clean the soup, Tony.
Fine
But I'm keeping the pajamas on like you said
No take back
I hope you attract every moth in a five mile radius.
Jokes on you I like moths
They appreciate good lighting
You're impossible.
But lovable?
Debatable.
I'll take it
Tony Stark SI
Who are the kids running around the lab?
Kids?
Mom is typing...