Chapter Text
The thing about Spencer Reid was that he was smart. Not just above average smart, but in the top 1% of the smartest people on earth smart. And it was making him miserable. Because it was the only thing that anyone ever remembered about him. It was the only thing anyone ever thought was noteworthy about him. And the only thing anyone ever praised him for.
You would think that he would feel proud about his academic accomplishments (of which there were many) but it is kind of hard to feel any kind of pride about something that was so devastatingly easy for him. He understood that for other people it was a challenge to finish a doctorate or to learn a new language, but it was always kind of theoretical for him. He was aware that other (normal) people did not comprehend complex theories immediately after learning about them or remember everything that they ever read. But it was still kind of hard for him to understand where exactly they got lost in the explanation… For him it just made sense. And if it takes you basically no effort to achieve something, well it is not very noteworthy.
As mean as it may sound, when it came to academia, he felt like he was competing in a race where everyone else had their feet bound and Spencer was the only one aware of the obstacles in their path. And how could he feel positive about winning in such a race? Simply put, he didn’t. It would be insulting for him and everyone else involved. So he just tried not to mention it. Ever.
Sometimes he wished he was dumb. He couldn’t quite imagine how his life would be like if he wasn’t as smart as he was, but he knew that he would be happier. Statistically speaking, less intelligent people are happier in life. And they generally don’t realize that they are dumb. Or perhaps not dumb, just average. He longed to be average. Perhaps if he was average, he wouldn’t have been bullied so much as a child, he would have had to study for his tests to get passing grades and he would have made many friends. High IQ is rarely accompanied by high EQ. He would trade his smarts for some emotional stability.
It is not to say that Spencer didn’t like learning. He did. He loved discovering new things, be it a complex chemical equation, obscure knowledge about some cult from the 1400’ or just a new fact about Starwars. But it was all still so easy… That’s why he felt much more accomplished about his more physical achievements. Because he had to actually try. And more often than not, he failed. And that made it both incredibly frustrating and incredibly stimulating. Because the praise he got for his successes was actually earned. And for once it made him feel all warm and tingly inside.
He didn’t think that his team knew about this. After all, they applauded his knowledge quite often, praised his quick wit and congratulated him on each new academic title he earned. Spencer understood that they meant well and that they are genuinely happy for him, but it doesn’t chase away his opinion on the perceived difficulty of said achievements. Or his lack of reaction to them, compared to his absolute opposite of lack of reaction when it comes to praise of his other attributes. But as one might expect in a team of profilers, such a thing would not stay a secret forever.
∞
It happened on an otherwise ordinary Tuesday. The BAU team was sitting around the office and catching up on their paperwork that got overlooked due to their last case (which they managed to solve just the day before). The atmosphere was rather calm apart from occasional giggles coming from the direction of Emily and JJ’s desks where they continued to joke about the rather cute crush that their latest victim’s twelve-years-old daughter got on Spencer. During the whole investigation little Amanda seemed to have trouble with talking to the police investigators about her rather traumatic experience of finding her father’s corpse. They tried to send JJ to speak with her, but Amanda adamantly refused to even try to remember the details of the scene as soon as JJ walked through the door. She also seemed ready to kick the FBI agents from her hospital room rather violently. Up until she saw Spencer walk in behind JJ.
“It was so adorable. She just stopped screaming at me and turned bright red!” continued JJ with the story. “And Spence just didn’t notice the entire time! He just kept reassuring her that it was ok to be sad or angry or anything else and that we could leave if she wanted us to!”
Emily kept giggling, “I guess that she didn’t want you two to leave?”
“Well, I think that me leaving would be fine by her, but she just immediately started telling Spence that it was fine and that HE can ask her about her dad.”
“That’s adorable.”
“I know, right?” JJ smiled at Emily’s remarque. “Anyway, there I was, watching this twelve-year-old go from a hellion to an absolute angel in less than a second. She just went all shy around Spencer and kept blushing every time he talked to her.”
Both women giggled together. “And then she just gave him the info that we needed to identify our unsub? Even though she refused to talk to anyone about what she saw on that crime scene before?”
“Yup” nodded JJ. “And that’s not the funniest part! When we were leaving, little Amanda asked Spence if he was looking for a girlfriend!”
That made both of them laugh a little louder. “Well, there is a reason Morgan calls him pretty boy.”
“Yeah, there really is… Anyway, he then had to gently explain to her why he is too old for her. But as usual, he ended up quoting statistics about age-gaps in relationships and compatibility. I kinda expected her to lose interest after that but at the end she just asked Spence whether he had a younger brother… It was hilarious.”
The resulting laughter finally attracted the attention of the rest of the team. Unsurprisingly, it was Hotch who asked about the commotion: “And what exactly is so funny about your reports?”
“I was just telling Emily how Spencer looking like a teenage daydream saved our last case.” Replied JJ.
“I keep calling him pretty boy, but I guess that it was time that someone else noticed.” Laughed Morgan while smirking at Spencer.
Spencer frowned a little. “Yeah. But you only mean it as a funny nickname… Usually people don’t find me very attractive.” He kept his eyes steadily on his lap and didn’t see the unhappy frowns the others pulled at his response and what it meant about his self-esteem.
Morgan got up from his table and crossed the room to Spencer’s table till he was standing right in front of him. He lifted Spencer’s head with his finger to look him in the eyes. “Spencer, it may be a fun nickname, but it is completely genuine. You are very attractive. And since you are kind of delicate looking, I chose the name pretty boy. So don’t keep thinking you are not attractive because you are. Ok?”
All Spencer could do was to keep staring up at Morgan’s handsome face above him. Even as he managed to croak out a quiet “ok”, he kept repeating those words in his head. Morgan thought he was attractive. And more importantly, the name pretty boy was not just some nickname, it was Morgan telling him that he was pretty. There seemed to be hundreds of butterflies in stomach from that knowledge alone. But then Morgan just had to open his mouth again.
“Great that we cleared that up. So no more self-deprecation. Alright, pretty boy?” Oh fuck. All he could do in response was to nod. Because if he tried to speak, he was pretty sure he would not manage to produce words but something much more embarrassing. The tiny noise that escaped Spencer was swallowed up by the sound of Morgans footsteps as he walked back to his own table and the voices of the rest of the BAU.
Later he would remember that they kept reassuring him, that they also agreed with Morgan and thought Spencer was indeed very pretty. But at that moment all he could think about was Derek’s voice calling him pretty boy. Publicly praising his looks. And he had apparently been doing it for years… Fuck. That was so hot. He hoped that he wasn’t blushing but considering his rather pale complexion it was probably pretty obvious. He tried to suppress his reactions. The butterflies in his stomach, the blush, the quilty pleasure he got from the nickname, he tried to suppress all of it. Derek was his friend. It was not ok to react this way to his friends. So that was what he focused on (even as the words pretty boy swirled in the back of his mind).
And because he was so busy trying to hide his reactions, Spencer never noticed the thoughtful looks the others kept sending his way.