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I always knew that I'd run (run)
Suspend these thoughts and move on
He’d waited long enough. It had been years. If Qi-ge hadn’t made it back by now, he probably wasn’t ever going to make it. He’d said he would wait for Yue Qi but he always knew that he might have to run eventually.
The thought of Qi-ge lying dead in a ditch somewhere sent a pang through Shen Jiu’s guarded heart.
Well. He would have to take matters into his own hands then, and try to move on.
He couldn’t stay with the Qius all his life after all. He really… couldn’t take it anymore.
He saw an opportunity in Wu Yanzi and, desperate to believe that this was his way out, he fooled himself into thinking that he might be allowed to leave, for all that Wu Yanzi mocked his naivety. After all, he was no longer a slave (if only legally, though not in practice… for what was he really but a slave to Qiu Jianluo’s whims? He was still shackled despite his contract no longer existing. The only reason it was ever destroyed in the first place was not because the Qius were kind, benevolent benefactors but because Qiu Jianluo couldn’t let his precious baby sister actually marry a legal slave. That would be terrible for her reputation).
Qiu Jianluo proved Wu Yanzi right of course.
The pain, shock, and disappointment led Shen Jiu to finally break those shackles with fire and blood.
He was now free and he would run.
(He had no choice but to run. He was a murderer and he could never escape this. He could never truly be free.)
I'm one in a million, I'm always the villain
I always knew that I'd run (run)
Running became his life. For all that Wu Yanzi proved Shen Jiu wrong when it came to Qiu Jianluo allowing him to become his disciple, Qiu Jianluo also proved Shen Jiu wrong when it came to the type of master Wu Yanzi actually was.
A charlatan.
He was a demonic cultivator. A liar. A thief. A murderer.
Scum.
And Shen Jiu was just like him now.
A villain who terrorised the people. Who had to hide and could not live openly in the light. The darkness was once again where he was forced to reside.
But what else could he do? He had already gone too far. It was too late. There was no turning back for him now.
He’d started as a slave begging and cheating the people (for their sympathetic money went to the slavers instead of feeding children like they’d intended). He’d become Qiu Jianluo’s chewtoy and eventual undoing. And now he was on the run from the law several times over for being Wu Yanzi’s accomplice. As if he ever even had a choice.
But he would run like the villain he was. Like the villain he had always been. Like it seemed he had been destined to be since birth.
Descending thoughts that I caused
One hell of a villain but I'll hardly admit it
I don't want to live this way, wanna live this way, no
I don't want to feel the way that I feel, can I wake up?
His thoughts spiralled the longer he was forced to be Wu Yanzi’s accomplice, demons accumulating and filling his heart till it almost burst (well his heart might not have burst but his meridians certainly did.. Over and over and over again, the longer he was forced to live like a rat scurrying in a sewer). He never wanted to be like this in the first place. But life had never given him a choice. He wished that it was all simply a nightmare that he could wake up from.
But now? Now that he found himself having to help Wu Yanzi invade the Immortal Alliance Competition and kill talented, promising young cultivators just to rob them? Well he might have never wanted to be this way, but in the end he was certainly one hell of a villain. Nobody would ever deny that.
His dream had been to go to a sect with his Qi-ge and become cultivators so that they never needed to feel hungry and hurt, powerless and scared, ever again.
Barring that, he wanted them both to escape and live happily together, maybe on a farm, maybe collecting herbs and hunting animals, selling them to make a living. He was quick and Yue Qi was strong and had good people skills. They would have made it, he was sure, as long as they were together.
They could do anything as long as they were together. Evermore.
But that dream was doomed to fail. Qi-ge was most likely dead.
And Shen Jiu?
He would just have to live in this nightmare that he couldn’t break free of. He couldn’t wake up.
Please, can I wake up?
My evermore, have you finally figured me, figured me out?
Anomaly, I'm an anomaly
Anomaly, I'm an anomaly
Forever more
He got caught.
Of course he did.
He just had to get caught robbing dead disciples.
Well… he would just have to hope that he could take care of this disciple on his own… Wu Yanzi did most of the killing but Shen Jiu could hold his own if he had to.
Except
This was one disciple he could never kill. Not if you held a sword to his chest.
Because the disciple was Yue Qi.
Yue Qi stood in front of him.
Alive.
Alive and well.
His luxurious robes could provide for Shen Jiu for a year
But before Shen Jiu could even make sense of what he was seeing, Wu Yanzi appeared.
And before Shen Jiu knew it, his sword was sticking through the man.
What he’d never had the courage to do for himself, he’d done for Yue Qi. Gotten rid of another blight in his life that he never thought he could escape.
What he wanted to know was why Yue Qi didn’t do the same for him. Why didn’t Yue Qi do his best for Shen Jiu, the way Shen Jiu did for him?
Why did his Qi-ge leave him behind to suffer?
He never received an answer from Yue Qi.
But he did get an answer all the same.
For one dark thought crossed his mind.
He'd rather that Qi-ge was dead in a ditch than standing there in front of him, whole, healthy, but utterly done with his Xiao-Jiu. Ultimately it was clear that the only one who needed the other was he, Shen Jiu. Yue Qi had never needed him at all. He was fine without Shen Jiu. And that was probably the best for Yue Qi in any event because who should stay with someone who wished them dead instead of happy?
And with that thought Shen Jiu found that he couldn’t fully blame Yue Qi for leaving him behind, because Shen Jiu was trash. It was only just and right that Yue Qi should abandon a monster like him.
He knew why he was abandoned now. Yue Qi, did you finally figure it out?
Trash like Shen Jiu wasn’t meant to exist in this world.
He was an anomaly.
Forget everything, can you please figure me out?
Anomaly, I'm an anomaly
But deep inside, the child that lived caged amongst his rib bones wanted to cry, “Forget everything, can you please figure me out?”
Because if Yue Qi— kind, gentle, patient, selfless Yue Qi— couldn’t tell who Shen Jiu really was, then how could anyone ever do it… including Shen Jiu himself?
Anomaly, I'm an anomaly
It haunts the streets that I'm on (on)
So much that can't be undone (done)
Shen Jiu was brought back to Yue Qi’s— no, Yue Qingyuan’s now— sect. Yue Qingyuan felt guilty for abandoning Shen Jiu (though likely only because Shen Jiu showed back up in front of him and Yue Qingyuan was a good person) and pleaded to have Shen Jiu admitted into the sect.
But he was too old and too bold. He was taken in begrudgingly.
He was past the ideal age for cultivation, meridians growing wild and tangled as he haunted the streets in his past, less than a man but more than a ghost, leaving only destruction where he passed with the spectre that was now his second deceased master.
He had damaged meridians. And heart demons that couldn’t be undone (the question of why still lingered, tainting the air between Shen Jiu and his once everything, though only one of them seemed to feel it.)
I'm hardly invisible now
You should have warned me from the beginning
He was told the Qing Jing peak lord, second in command of the sect, and lord of the highest peak save the sect leader’s, had accepted him as a disciple.
But nobody, including Yue Qingyuan, thought to warn him that he would stick out like a sore thumb. He couldn’t pretend to be invisible. Couldn’t blend in even if he wanted to.
He was a feral street rat amongst the sons and daughters of nobility. Oh sure he could pretend to be just like them, fitting in by using all he learned about how to be a proper man in society, at the brutal hands of Qiu Jianluo (who wouldn’t let Shen Jiu shame Haitang when they were married and so, cruelly, but efficiently, taught him what he needed to know to outwardly pass as a noble and not a slave despite not ever being able to act as such in front of Qiu Jianluo unless he wanted a beating and a reminder that he was less than human).
No… it wasn’t Shen Jiu’s deportment that made him stick out.
It was his age. His late start. His getting in because of the future sect leader, outside of the normal channels of enrollment.
It was his attitude. His defensiveness. His sharpness. His pain dirty heart.
Why didn’t anyone warn him that you could take the rat out of the sewer but you couldn’t take the sewer out of the rat?
I don't want to live this way, wanna live this way, no
No, I don't want to feel the way that I feel when I wake up
Even his sleep habits remained the same as before. He couldn’t sleep easily around men. He would either have to find an unknown cubbyhole somewhere or remain awake. But did anyone care whether he wanted to live like this? Did anyone care about his suffering? He also didn’t want to feel this way.
When Liu Qingge’s brainless shidi mouthed off and he beat him up, why was it that it was only Shen Jiu who was wrong? Liu Qingge beat them all up in the name of ‘training’ and so did his shizun, but when Shen Jiu defended himself against mockery, he was the one who was wrong and deserved to be retaliated against. Anyone else’s violence was acceptable. Only Shen Jiu’s violence was a problem.
Even his safe space had to be breached. The space he went to get away from his peak and all the people on it. The space where he could at least rest assured that once his money was good for it, he could relax and sleep in peace.
Liu Qingge followed him into the brothel to make a ruckus all for that nasty shidi of his.
And he brought Yue Qingyuan with him! Shen Jiu’s greatest source of love pain annoyance stood there looking at him with those infuriating eyes.
My evermore, have you finally figured me, figured me out?
Anomaly, I'm an anomaly
Anomaly, I'm an anomaly
Forever more
Well, at the very least Yue Qingyuan’s scolding at least reassured him that yes, Yue Qingyuan knew his shidi was really trash.
He knew Shen Jiu didn’t belong.
Going to the brothel wasn’t forbidden, but for Shen Jiu, his going there might as well have just confirmed that Yue Qingyuan was right to leave something like him behind. After all, didn’t they know how courtesans ended up courtesans? How could Shen Jiu be like those beastly men? Well, simple. Yue Qingyuan must have figured him out, right?
Yue Qingyuan saw him as a beast. A beast who would become even more tainted by sullying himself and the courtesans. So of course Yue Qingyuan tried to tell Shen Jiu off from going. Even though for anyone else it would be fine, it wasn’t fine for it to be Shen Jiu.
He saw Liu Qingge’s shidis going to Shen Jiu’s house to vandalise it but he merely told them to stop it and didn’t think to mention it to Shen Jiu except by accident. He also didn’t seem to think that it was a big problem either. Not worried at all that they’d just come back another time to finish the job. No. Because the Bai Zhan brutes were honorable right? It was only Shen Jiu whose actions were always dishonorable. And if someone was targeting him then likely he must have done something to deserve it.
He was supposed to be good to Liu Qingge, but Liu Qingge was ‘just like that’ and ‘wasn’t the type to hold grudges’ and ‘would treat anyone who treats him well twice as good’.
Why was it only Shen Jiu that had to put away his claws?
Of course it was because he was an anomaly.
He didn’t fit.
Forget everything, can you please figure me out?
Anomaly, I'm an anomaly
Anomaly, I'm an anomaly
But couldn’t Yue Qingyuan feel sorry for Shen Jiu and take his side for once? Couldn’t he realise Shen Jiu was struggling? That he was the odd one out? That he didn’t belong? That he wanted to belong?
Couldn’t Yue Qi figure it out?
All this time on the clock
I think it's time to reset
Shen Jiu Qingqiu was tired.
All this time on the clock
I think it's time to reset
Shen Qingqiu saw the little beast kneeling in front of him with those starry eyes. He was there to make his mother proud.
His mother.
Why did he get to have a mother?
Why was this particular street rat better than Shen Jiu Qingqiu? Luckier. Loved. Wanted. Cared for.
Disgusting.
Enviable.
He never regretted the way he behaved. Shen Jiu Qingqiu never regretted anything because regrets were useless. Would regret change anything?
Would regret save Liu Qingge?
When the beast came for his revenge, Shen Qingqiu was not too surprised. Of course nobody would ever defend him, even if most of the accusations weren’t technically true at all. He also didn’t bother to try. His end would have met with him somehow, his dark past catching up with him rapidly. And there were people happy to see him fall. How fitting it was that his demise was assured at the hands of the not-so-little beast instead?
He was tired.
He wanted to die.
He wanted to live.
My evermore, have you finally figured me, figured me out?
Anomaly, I'm an anomaly
Of course Yue Qingyuan visited him and looked at him once more with those infuriating eyes.
“Did you really murder Liu-shidi?”
He didn’t want to look at Yue Qingyuan’s face but he forced himself to.
And of course.
Haha.
Of course.
He pulled his hand away from Yue Qingyuan’s.
He shouldn’t have bothered… That expression…
If you truly can’t figure it out then I might as well have.
“You are only thinking about this now? The dead are already dead, Zhangmen-Shixiong, you’re coming to criticise me now? Isn’t it already a bit too late?”
The truth never really mattered, in the end. If you think I did it then I did it.
Haven’t you figured it out by now?
Anomaly, I'm an anomaly
“Thank you for your kindness, Zhangmen-Shixiong. Now go. Don’t appear before me again.”
Go away and never deal with a thing like Shen Jiu anymore. Go away. Come, nevermore.
I hate you.
Forever more
Forget everything, can you please figure me out?
Please don’t leave me.
I love you.
Anomaly, I'm an anomaly
Why didn’t he leave me?! How stupid was Yue Qingyuan. Didn’t he tell him to leave and never show his face again? Why then, did he take the bait? Why did he rush now, when it was far too late, to save Shen Jiu, this thing that shouldn’t have been born?
Why?
Anomaly, I'm an anomaly
Yue Qingyuan should never have had this sorry fate. Because of a decades late old agreement he fulfilled that useless promise.
The sword is broken, the person is dead.
It shouldn’t be like this. The anomaly that was Shen Jiu Qingqiu was the one who should have suffered, not Yue Qingyuan, the phoenix that rose from the ashes.
A thread of blood stretched out, moving closer until it was just about to meet another and tie. It missed and coiled back.
It wasn’t broken.
My evermore why didn’t you ever figure me out?