Chapter Text
jeongguk was having a hard time.
between the very public idol life he lived and the private life he wished to have… he was having a hard time. of course, he was grateful for the position he had in the entertainment industry, being one of the top idols of his time and having the long history to back him up despite his young age. having started young was both a blessing and a curse.
but at this point in his career, jeongguk was basically a professional at everything idol-related. from situational awareness to fan-flirting to scandal avoidance, he just about knew how to handle it all. he was loved by the general public, both in his homeland and abroad. every now and then, he would have an existential crisis about the weight of it all but for the most part, he handled pressure tremendously well; loved it even.
and although he was outwardly humble about his conquests in stardom, he was mature enough to admit that he was a selfish man through and through. he wanted to be the best in his field. he wanted to have the best in the word for himself, whether it were objects, songs, choreography, concepts, he wanted the best.
perhaps it was that part of his personality that made dating so hard. jeongguk was a very physical man, as if his built body and love for exercise didn’t already explain that about him. and he wasn’t the blushing virgin he used to be when he had debuted 12 years ago. he was 28 now. and this 28 year-old loved sex.
okay, that sounds kind of bad. but he didn’t mean it in a hedonist way. sex was just another means of exercise and self-expression to him, albeit a very personal and intimate one. and as much as he loved sex, he loved being in love more. he valued relationships. closeness. intimacy for the sake of intimacy. he sure didn’t shy away from one-night stands but jeongguk always preferred the comfort of having a partner.
he liked to think that he was a good lover. but again, he was having a hard time.
he wished he could balance his idol life and his private life in a better way but over time, he found that one would always overtake the other. and because he was so dedicated to his job and of course, his fans, he would drop everything for his career, even if it meant sacrificing his relationships. again: selfish. through and through.
it was a familiar pattern.
he had been dating choi sara for almost a year now, with their one-year anniversary being just a few weeks away. she was a korean-american model who mostly worked in the U.S with some months in the year dedicated to working in Korea. they had met at an afterparty for brands they were both ambassadors for and hit it off instantly.
it was hard finding time to get together but they had always made it work. he was the busier one out of the two of them but he still tried his best to make time for her when it was possible, whether it was flying out to wherever she was or consistently keeping her updated whenever he was on the move. to be honest, for a couple that’s been dating for a year now, he feels like he still rarely knows her. he feels his interest waning. maybe that was also part of the problem.
again, he was having a very hard time.
after releasing a few mini albums throughout his career and featuring on a lot of other korean and international artists’ songs, it was finally time to release his first full-length album.
his agency had brought up the idea of creating this album a few months ago and he had been absolutely elated. but days after the proposal of this big project, he realized how big of a deal this was. he was already so busy and now he had to add working on this album to his ongoing daily list of things to do.
but his brain was absolutely empty. no thoughts. no concepts. no clear path as to what he wanted to do for this album.
every night, after whatever schedule he had, he would hole himself up in his studio, writing and writing and writing, only to trash everything he made at the end of the night. it didn’t help that because it was fashion week, he was expected to keep his weight at its possible lowest since he was a Calvin Klein ambassador and had multiple photoshoots and events to attend to. his brain felt like it was glitching out from exhaustion and lack of sustenance.
ding!
can you reply?
jeongguk cursed under his breath as he finally checked his notifications. there were some from jimin-hyung who was his manager, some from random acquaintances, and a lot from sara.
he checks the time stamps to see that his girlfriend has been texting him nonstop, the first few checking in on him and the recent ones whining about how he must not love her anymore because he was ignoring her. he rolls his eyes at the dramatics before reluctantly replying.
hey, sorry for disappearing on you. my company finally gave me the green light on my album and i’m trying to figure it all out. i’ve been stressed about everything going on. i’m really sorry, love.
immediately, sara replies.
god, jeongguk. I was fucking worried about you. at least send me a text before you go awol. you do know that i’m your girlfriend, right? i get this album is important for you but i expect you to at least think of me too.
jeongguk blinked. yes, he knew he was in the wrong, but he was expecting a more understanding reply from his girlfriend. he’d think his consistent efforts throughout their relationship would show his sincerity and perhaps the amount of stress he’s been is getting to him. he didn’t want to fight.
i know, sara. and i’m sorry, i really am. i’ve been insanely busy with fashion week and promotions for my features and this album. it’s been a lot. i promise i’ll make it up to you.
he was being honest. he was having a really hard time. he understood that it was also hard for sara to deal with the consequences of his lifestyle but he hoped that their feelings for each other were deep enough to get through hurdles like this.
whatever jeongguk. you’re not the only one who’s having a hard time here. just call me when you’re finally ready to come out of hibernation.
at that, jeongguk becomes livid. he didn’t think he deserved that kind of treatment from his partner. sara had the tendency to be a little bratty and sometimes spoiled, which were personality traits jeongguk didn’t mind. he often found it cute. but this was different. this was the first time he failed to communicate with her but was sincere in his explanation and apologies. why the fuck did he deserved to be berated like this?
swallowing down his anger, jeongguk decides to give her a call. he’d rather talk this out now than let negative feelings pile up from them over time.
his phone doesn’t even finish it’s first beep before sara is exclaiming, “jeon jeongguk!”
her tone is shrill and a little accusatory, making jeongguk jump a little and he almost drops his phone on his expensive equipment.
“jesus, sara, you scared me.” he sighs out.
“well you’ve been ignoring me for weeks! i get that you’re busy but i’ve been having a hard time too! you don’t think fashion week is dragging my ass too? i have like 50 runways to walk!”
jeongguk once again has the urge to roll his eyes. she always did love to exaggerate her workload. he recognized real game when he saw it, especially coming from the fact that he himself came from nothing when he entered the entertainment industry. but sara was a silver spoon. her parents were fashion directors for global brands and she stepped into the model world thanks to their connections. she wasn’t afraid to mention them at any given time and was aware of the opportunities that she had because of them. wherein jeongguk treated his career with both passion and desperation, sara was cruising through hers; not taking things too seriously and pulling away from projects if they proved to be too difficult. this was something he and sara did not get on too well about.
but jeongguk tried to be patient. he didn’t want this relationship to end like his previous ones. he took an apologetic tone and softly said, “i’m sorry, baby. what’s been going on? what’s stressing you out?” he knew that she wouldn’t be this bratty if something wasn’t going her way at work.
just as he expected, sara lets out an exasperated groan before she whines, “god, jeongguk, i’m damn near ripping my hair out everyday. there’s this new guy who just has about everyone in a chokehold and he’s in every fucking show. there were a couple I really wanted to get into and the final selections were between me and him and all of the brands chose him!”
he can hear the tone of disgust in her voice. jeongguk hums at her ranting. “maybe he has connections?” jeongguk tried. but his mind supplies, more connections than choi sara? unlikely.
“I honestly don’t know. I haven’t heard anything about his family so I’m not sure.”
“what’s his name?” jeongguk asks.
“you might have heard of him since he’s becoming a lot more popular in korea. his name’s kim taehyung.” she says with disgust.
jeongguk toys with the syllables of the name in his head. kim taehyung. it sure was a pretty name. and it did sound a bit familiar but he pulls blanks on a face. he honestly wasn’t that interested in the model world.
before he could saying anything, she keeps going. “and I don’t get it! sure, he’s pretty and all, but other than that, I don’t see anything attractive about him. he’s probably fucking the show coordinators just to be picked. fucking greedy bastard.”
and just like that, jeongguk’s anger comes back twofold. has she always been this much of a bitch? “choi sara, don’t talk about your fellow coworkers like that.”
“what the fuck, jeongguk? why are you taking his side? your girlfriend’s upset and you don’t even try to comfort her?”
jeongguk sighs and brings a hand to his forehead, rubbing at his temples a little bit to alleviate the headache he can feel forming. “it’s not that i’m taking his side, you know I’m always going to be on yours. but it’s not right to talk about someone like that.” he pauses to think about how he can make sara feel better about this whole situation. “look at it this way, don’t you have a lot of shows you’re going to be in? I bet there are some that he tried getting into but didn’t. and you did. just focus on doing well at the shows you’re in. the coordinators who didn’t choose you will regret it when they see photos of you on the runway.”
sara giggles at his words before agreeing, “you’re right, babe. i just got caught up in the heat of it all since i swear to god, everyone keeps talking about him.”
“see? that’s my girl.” jeongguk finally smiles for the first time, relieved that she didn’t sound mad anymore.
“yah, don’t think that I forgot about how you ignored me for so long, jeon jeongguk. you better make it up to me by coming to one of my shows.” he can hear the pout in her voice.
jeongguk gives a little wince at the request. his schedule was so stacked that as he mentally sorts through what the next few weeks look like for him, he can’t think of where to fit a visit in.
“are you in korea or america?” he asks as he looks through his calendar app on his phone. everyday is blocked out in red by the hour. when was he going to have free time?
“america. new york, actually. so you can visit when you come for the CK show.”
jeongguk blinks as he pulls up the day of the Calvin Klein show he promised to go to. lord behold, it was in new york. it was at the end of this week. it was currently sunday.
“okay, baby, I promise I’ll visit. but you know I can’t stay for long.”
“i know, jeongguk. i just can’t wait to finally see you again after so long. don’t be a dick and keep me updated. love you lots! see you in a few days!”
and the line cuts off.
jeongguk looks at his now dark phone. she hadn’t even asked him how he was. it makes him realize that throughout all of their phone calls and every time he visits her, he was always the one giving her his utmost attention, asking questions and exploring what her life was like when he wasn’t there. he doesn’t remember the last time they talked about him or his problems.
have they ever?
they had great sexual compatibility. that, he couldn’t lie about. but what else was there other than that?
jeongguk sits in silence just a bit longer. what did this relationship do for him other than add on to his stress? why was he trying so hard for this relationship to be different from the rest when the girl he chose seems to be too similar to those he eventually let go of anyway?
ding!
it’s from yoongi-hyung. a tiny spike of anxiety crosses him because although they were close friends, hyung was also his producer and he has absolutely nothing for him in terms of ideas for his album. but to his surprise, yoongi-hyung wasn’t texting him about music at all.
wow, lucky you. says the text. ever so mysterious, yoongi-hyung was. attached to it is a youtube link.
when he taps on it, the shorts video is still buffering as he reads the title, “who is rising star kim taehyung most excited to see in fashion week?”
oh. this was the man his girlfriend was just talking shit about. jeongguk bites his lip a little as he waits for the video to load. it had just been uploaded four hours ago but it already had hundreds of thousands of views.
and when the video loads, jeongguk’s brain sort of turns off. he damn near almost drops his phone from the shock of what he sees.
to describe the man on his screen as beautiful was not nearly enough to justify what jeongguk was thinking. pretty? gorgeous? well, yes. all of the above. but it was more than that. this man was absolutely stunning. ethereal, even. it didn’t help that he was dressed in all white, looking like an actual angel from heaven above. behind him was a runway setting, so this must have been a behind-the-scenes interview. jeongguk doesn’t know (doesn’t care) but he keeps staring.
honey blonde hair, huge, sparkling eyes, tall nose bridge, high cheekbones, soft jawline, beautiful lips, moles that peppered his skin as if the stars themselves had kissed him in a previous life… he was a sight. he watches the changes of expressions on kim taehyung’s face as the interviewer says something to him.
wait, they’re both speaking. oh, kim taehyung is blushing as he looks at the camera. his eyes go into crescents as he laughs about something the interviewer seems to have said. and then the video blacks out.
wait, what?
he needed to see that again.
he starts the video over and god, was this man pretty. no wonder he was a model. he realizes that he had been so distracted by kim taehyung’s beautiful face that he didn’t even register the interview that was happening.
“kim taehyung-ssi, you are looking stunning as always,” taehyung bashfully smiles and bows his head towards her. respectful, jeongguk’s mind supplies. “you’ve been mentioned by a lot of models and celebrities alike when asked about who they’re excited to see, but I want to flip the question on you and ask who you’re excited to see this season.”
the model seems to be heavily considering the question, long, slender fingers coming up to his chin to stroke an imaginary beard. the interviewer giggles at his action, which makes taehyung chuckle before saying, “gosh, I’m honestly so excited to see all of the sunbae-nims in every show.” he babbles a long list of names and jeongguk realizes he has a dazed smile on his own face as he watches and listens to the man on his screen go on and on about what seems to be every model ever. there’s a spark in the model’s eyes that make you believe what he’s saying; that he truly is genuinely excited to be in the presence of all these other people.
“i’m also excited about choi sara sunbae-nim, who was going to be my partner for chanel this season but it didn’t work out.” taehyung deflated as he mentioned the last part, but the interviewer must be so charmed by him and his enthusiasm to the question that she actually reaches out to pat his head now that he was pouting.
jeongguk understands the interviewer. there was an air of both innocence and authenticity to kim taehyung that was so captivating, even in a clip that was only a minute and a half long. but the mention of his girlfriend sobers him from his fascination for the man on the screen. what was he even doing? ogling another model.
and maybe he was fucked up considering he should be on his girlfriend’s side but watching the man’s personality glow in this video, he feels that sara could not have been more wrong about the way kim taehyung was rising to the top. he actually now feels a little uncomfortable with the fact that sara was saying such disgusting things about this man but anyways, it was none of his business.
wait, why did yoongi-hyung even send him this?
the video still has about 20 seconds left. after the interviewer pats taehyung’s head, she chastises him a little, “focus, kim taehyung-ssi! pick one celebrity you’re excited to see. just one.” but her soft smile gives her away.
kim taehyung ponders the question for a moment before shyly saying, “maybe…” and he looks down at the floor as his fingers nervously play with each other. and then he looks up at the interviewer before looking straight into the camera with a blush, “jeon jeongguk-ssi?”
and oh.
jeongguk actually does drop his phone this time. it doesn’t even register in his mind that the corner of his expensive ass limited edition keyboard has just been cracked. his mouth is agape and his eyes are wide as the scene replays in his head.
jeon jeongguk-ssi, he said.
that was him.
his name. out of this beautiful man’s mouth. excited to see him. him? was he sure?
in the span of however much time it was taking to finish watching this video, jeon jeongguk forgets that he is in fact a celebrity. the celebrity, actually. the biggest idol in k-pop industry who was at the forefront of expanding it and breaking into international pop.
he forgets his own place in this world because of how otherworldly kim taehyung seemed to be.
woah, woah, woah. he was getting way too in his head about this.
he hears a giggle from his phone before it cuts out and jeongguk is scrambling to pick up his phone from the floor and rewind to the part he missed.
he plays it again; the shy, almost bashful way kim taehyung says his name.
the interviewer reacts immediately with a squeal, “oh my goodness! yes! you two would look amazing together!” she gushes.
taehyung earnestly listens to her and his shy giggle feels like a strike to the heart. the video ends. jeongguk carefully places his phone down on his desk as he leans back on his chair and stares at his ceiling. both hands cup his nose and mouth area as he tries to process what he just watched.
for a few seconds, his brain actually feels empty.
then, he snaps back up on his chair, giving himself a little slap on the cheek because what the fuck? so what if this random model mentioned him in an interview? he’s seen numerous clips of models and celebrities alike mention him in other scenarios similar to this and he’s never reacted like this before. hell, even the first time sara told him she loved him didn’t incite this kind of reaction from him.
yeah, kim taehyung was pretty. (unbelievably so). so what? he had a girlfriend. this information was completely useless to him. if anything, it had jeongguk mentally groaning at the way sara might react to the interview if she saw it. he’s surprised she hasn’t already, seeing how the video was trending at #2 on YouTube. he can’t even imagine what the reaction was on twitter or instagram, where his fandom thrived the most.
he picks up his phone and texts yoongi-hyung.
and how do you expect me to react to this? he sends.
immediately, his hyung is calling him. jeongguk groans. didn’t the universe know that he could only take about zero to one phone call a day before losing all his social energy? despite his reluctance to, he answers.
“hi, hyung.”
“I bet you dropped your phone at one point when you watched the video, huh?” is the first thing yoongi-hyung says to him. jeongguk can hear the smug smile on his face.
he sputters and flushes at the accusation, “w-what the— i absolutely did not do tha—what the fuck, are you watching me somehow?” he warily looks up around his studio as if to find a hidden camera somewhere.
yoongi chuckles before saying, “you freeze when you see pretty people, jeongguk-ah, it’s the only time you ever lose control of yourself other than when you’re being competitive.”
jeongguk curses under his breath because his hyung knew him so well. “you know what, fuck off. he’s not that pretty.” a lie. the biggest lie. it feels like a cardinal sin when he says it but he must deny everything pertaining to his reaction to kim taehyung. maybe it would make it less real.
“that’s actual horse shit, but I’ll just take your word for it. maybe you’ll cross paths in New York in a couple weeks.” he can hear the smirk in yoongi’s voice and jeongguk is not liking the implication of all of this.
“hyung, you do realize that I’m in a relationship, right? choi sara. we’ve been together for almost a year now.”
“oh, still? I’m surprised.” and to make matters worse, jeongguk knows he’s not lying, he can hear the genuine surprise in his voice. there’s no teasing whatsoever.
“what the fuck? of course, we’re still together. what does that even mean?”
there’s a bit of silence before yoongi hums and says “you’re no good together. I thought you would break it off sooner.”
jeongguk blinks at that. he feels slightly affronted but another part of him is not at all angry at his hyung’s words. he did not even want to begin to try uncovering what this meant for him. he had way too much on his plate to go into even deeper shit like do a deep dive on his feelings.
“I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just say that. anyways, don’t mention this guy again, okay? i’d really rather not cross paths with him at all.”
“that’s some crazy wishful thinking, jeon jeongguk. your girlfriend is a model. he’s a model. your paths will cross.”
and jeongguk knows this. but the less he thinks about kim taehyung, the better.
“oh, why is that?” and there’s that teasing lilt to yoongi’s voice again. fuck. did he say that out loud?
“sara doesn’t like him,” he said blankly. “she said that he probably slept with all the fashion directors to get his spot on each show or something. she was mad because she didn’t get into the ones she wanted.”
there’s a slight moment of silence again.
“listen, jeongguk-ah,” yoongi’s voice is slightly deeper and his tone is a lot more serious than the light teasing one he kept throughout this whole conversation. “if I hear that shit being spout in real life, especially from your silver spoon of a girlfriend, you might just have to look for a new producer and overall friend. i’m not tolerating any of that disrespectful shit.”
jeongguk knows he should defend his girlfriend. he knows that. but all he says is, “jesus christ, hyung, okay. who the fuck even is kim taehyung to you for you to threaten me about our friendship?”
“you know what? don’t worry about it. as you said, the less you think about him, the better, right? keep it that way. and try to keep his name out of your sweet, sweet girlfriend’s mouth.”
again, jeongguk knows he should probably defend his girlfriend but he complies to his hyung’s words immediately, “okay, hyung. i’m sorry.” he doesn’t even really know what he’s apologizing for, but kim taehyung seems to be important to yoongi somehow so he really doesn’t want to step on his toes.
yoongi sighs and his voice softens a lot when he tells him, “i know you haven’t been inspired lately. maybe do some self-reflection about the people and things around you that’s blocking your creativity. don’t box yourself in, okay, jeonggukie? and make sure to take care of yourself. bye.” then he hangs up.
as he stares at his now darkened phone, jeongguk is horrified to see that something wet has just fallen on it. oh god, he thought as he brought his fingers up to feel for his eyes. he was fucking crying.
“fuck, what the fuck am I even doing?” jeongguk laughs a little incredulously as tears keep falling from his eyes.
don’t box yourself in.
fuck.
but he feels so—
he doesn’t even know.
he feels stuck. he feels rooted in place with no direction around him seeming like a good way to go. he feels overwhelmed by everything he needs to do; with everything he feels like he needs to accomplish. he feels lonely in this whole fight to keep himself from stagnating.
but he couldn’t afford to be fucking depressed. he needed to get shit done. he harshly wiped away his tears and turned his phone completely off. he put his headphones on and reached for his keyboard, pausing when he feels the big crack on the hard plastic.
jeon jeongguk-ssi. the bashful whisper plays in his mind. a small smile creeps its way on his face.
yes, he’s fucking jeon jeongguk. no writer’s block was going to stand in the way of this album’s completion. he had two days before he had event after event after event lined up on his schedule and a sane person would probably take a short vacation or do anything to avoid work, but absolutely not him. he was getting shit done.
except he got absolutely nothing done.
despite the fact that he holed himself up for those two days to work on writing something, anything, he once again scrapped all of his ideas because they were fucking awful. he only left his studio for proper hygiene upkeep and protein bars. he tried to ignore the way black spots would dot his vision when he got up too fast. one glance at the time after several hours of frustration told him that he did in fact have to go to sleep at some point tonight so that he can be some sort of rested by 4 AM the next day when he has to do his CK fitting.
by the time he gets in his bed, he’s exhausted. his body thanks him as he stretches under the covers. he mindlessly scrolls on his phone as he waits for sleep to take him.
ding!
it’s a text from sara.
did you see the kim taehyung interview that went viral? he’s obviously trying to get in your pants!
jeongguk rolls his eyes and throws his phone across his king-sized bed. god, he really didn’t want any drama with his girlfriend. he closes his eyes and takes a few relaxing breaths before reaching for his phone.
he pulls up naver and his thumbs hover over the keyboard for a few seconds. he really shouldn’t do this. he really, really shouldn’t. he won’t. he throws his phone again.
he waits a few minutes to see if he would fall asleep and of course, he does not. he growls when logic succumbs to curiosity in his head and he once again grabs his phone, pulling up naver and typing ‘kim taehyung’ onto it.
down the rabbit hole he goes.
every photo that pops up on kim taehyung’s engine search could probably be hung up in the louvre. for someone who appeared so sweet in the interview jeongguk watched a few days ago, he was a force to be reckoned with on the runway. photos and videos alike captured his air of grace and power. it seemed effortless for him to be up there as hundreds of cameras dissected every angle of his face and body, almost begging for a flaw. but there were none.
kim taehyung was the perfect model. able to portray concepts and invoke the designers’ desires on the very clothes he donned with ease. and from what jeongguk gathered, kim taehyung was unafraid of tackling on different styles, going from british elegance in one photoshoot then traditional korean gowns the next. from soft, pastel tones to harsh darker palettes. he was probably a designer’s dream.
it fascinated jeongguk how expressive his face was. but then again, this was a feature he immediately noticed in that interview.
he scrolled through some articles highlighting taehyung’s emergence in the modeling scene inspiring a lot of brands and a number of them utilizing him as their muse. choi sara was right. kim taehyung did seem to have a chokehold on everyone who met him. jeongguk’s eyes widen as he sees the brands that apparently coveted kim taehyung: chanel, celine, gucci, louis vuitton, yves saint laurent, and the list seems to go on forever. trust and believe that jeongguk was no stranger to the idea of brands vying for him, but even he, who was at the top in his field, had taken more than a few years to catch the attention of these international brands. which made jeongguk all the more curious.
where did this guy come from? perhaps he was a silver spoon like sara. interestingly enough, despite his doubts and disbelief at kim taehyung’s sudden rise to fame, not even once did he entertain the idea of the model being promiscuous to achieve all of this.
but as hard as he tries, jeongguk essentially ends up with no substantial information regarding his background. just the basic stuff.
kim taehyung was his real name. his birthday was december 30— oh. he was only 20. the profile he was looking at says that he made his model debut at 18 after being discovered in the background of a famous rapper’s music video. jeongguk’s eyes widen in disbelief because what the fuck? it was yoongi’s music video. so the two definitely have some sort of connection. but it wouldn’t make sense if they did know each other only for yoongi-hyung to bring him up to jeongguk now. hyung kept a very close circle and he tended to introduce jeongguk to those he got close to. he shakes his head to dispel the suspicions that creep in his mind. yoongi-hyung wouldn’t do any of this without good reason.
anyways. 20 years-old. there was an eight year difference between him and kim taehyung. it wasn’t a big gap by any means but still… a gap. he and sara were only one year apart with jeongguk being the younger one. he tended to go for older people. not that him going for anyone had to do with kim taehyung. it was just a thought.
jeongguk was certainly impressed though. kim taehyung was quite definitely a rising star. this much success in just two years was unheard of. he keeps scrolling. keeps looking. keeps being fascinated. he listens to the model’s short interviews and realizes the depth of the man—no, the boy’s voice. kim taehyung was just a boy. but his voice sure was that of a baritone. the contrast was mind boggling.
as he falls asleep to an interview of kim taehyung talking about his favorite jazz songs, jeongguk realizes that perhaps he had just opened pandora's box.