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"Yoi, it's okay, it's okay, don't cry, Yoi... Please..."
Kudo held my face carefully, worried and scared, but I still couldn't stop crying. Tears streamed from my eyes, traveling all over my face and landing on the floor. My nose was dripping with snot from the heat of my face, and drool also dripped from my mouth from my lack of emotional control.
Control... What is this, really? Why is crying seen as a lack of emotional control? Babies, when they're born, only have crying to express their desires...
What is control? Can it be a good thing after all?
Because... if control is just what Zen does... then I don't want it!
I NEVER WANT TO CONTROL ANYTHING OR ANYONE!
Because even as a baby, he never cried.
—Yoichi…
But... when I hear Kudo Toshitsugu speak, it's completely different from my brother's.
From the first time we met, Kudo was kind, but he actively tried to show me that what was happening to me wasn't right. For so many years, I was determined to change Zen's behavior, even though I knew he was unstoppable and never listened to me.
"You are mine." I always dreaded hearing that, but when those same words came out of Kudo's mouth, it was an alien, unfamiliar feeling. Because no, it wasn't the control or possession my brother expressed; it was different.
He was different.
The taller one pressed our foreheads together, his eyes closed. I was still crying desperately, but his calmness was transmitted to me, and little by little, my tortuous sobbing and tears stopped. With other people, I saw that Kudo didn't share this same warmth; it was something he only felt for me. And I imagine it was a bit strange for others to imagine that the tough and quiet Toshitsugu was very caring, but... that was his beauty. The way he could fight, but also care, and all his other dimensions. His beauties and weaknesses, just as we all have...
My brother wasn't like him, and so I wondered if he was even human, because he only did the worst things he could.
"I-it was just a nightmare," I finally said, feeling guilty for waking him, but in the end, that always happened.
Now that I practically lived with Kudo and Bruce, I hadn't seen my brother in a while, but he was always present in my dreams, memories, memories... I had dreamed that he was hitting me again, but this time... I died. That's when I opened my eyes and instantly started crying. I wanted to do it quietly, without disturbing the redhead's sleep because I knew he'd been working a lot, but I'd been careless, and he automatically woke up worried when he saw my condition.
Everything was different with him...
I never imagined someone would do something like that for me... Such a simple gesture, but it made all the difference to me.
"I understand. It's okay, Yoi." It's okay…—he repeated the words, making it clear that I was fine and safe.
I nodded repeatedly too; after all, I knew… Now I knew what it was like to be okay.
I knew what it was like to be touched without being hurt, to be spoken to without hurting me with their words, to smile at silly things instead of crying over things that seemed so serious to my brother. Kudo still talked about taking me to a friend of his who studied psychology, but I didn't feel ready to talk about what had happened throughout my life. My separation was still very recent, and I knew full well that if I saw Zen again, I might go with him again…
And I knew that if I did, it would be my last time.
"Would you like me to make you some tea?" he offered, still holding my face, even though his other hand had gone to my wrist, checking it.
My health, which had always been poor, often wavered. After almost three months here, Bruce and Kudo noticed how often I had fainting spells, dysrhythmia attacks, and other things... It was so frequent that I always ignored it. My body seemed accustomed to these things, but they were very alarmed by it in the first month, which forced me to go on a full health check. A nutritious and balanced diet, good sleep, exercise—well, they were military, so they knew all these things well. I was the weak one there, even though they always repeated that they didn't know how I'd endured all this until now, and that in itself made me very strong.
I smiled weakly, shaking my head at their kindness.
"Sorry for waking you." I said softly, and he glared at me.
"I already told you there's no need to apologize for anything," he answered quickly, making me smile wider. "How are you feeling? No shortness of breath? Weak?"
"I'm fine, it's over now…" I said, trying to make him carefree now, looking into his red eyes. "Thank you, Do."
Now, it was I who gently touched his face, his cheek. He automatically clenched his jaw, still maintaining eye contact. However, I followed my fingers, which ran across the entire length of his tanned, firm skin. Everything was different, even other people's skin… Mine was so thin, almost translucent, it hadn't received the necessary nutrients growing up, and so when I cut myself, it took a long time to heal. I had numerous scars all over my body, yet Kudo never said anything about them. I envied her good health, but that was the least anyone deserved, and I was happy that I was the only one who had lived through the hell I had. No one deserved this…
"You're so handsome," I said, still smiling, as I had now reached her eyebrow.
Even the hairs on his face were red. Down the middle of his face was the scar that betrayed the fight he'd had with Zen when he tried to get me out of the house with my brother, but I'd never found him any less handsome because of it. And wow... I'm so happy just for his presence to make me forget about Zen! I'd almost forgotten why I'd woken up terrified.
Kudo was truly the light at the end of the tunnel for me...
He wiped his mouth with his tongue, stopping to look at me and staring at our laps sitting on the bed.
"Are you sure you don't want some tea? It'll help you get back to sleep..." he said evasively, and I knew he was embarrassed.
So I laughed, exhaling through my nose. It was funny to see him so embarrassed, that tough Kudo Toshitsugu.
"Cute and silly," I said then, softly, almost whispering.
But this time, he threw me against the pillow, making me lie down.
Kudo got on top of me, sitting on my waist. It was different, as when Zen was a child, he'd used this same motion to hit my face and yell at me. But here, now, Kudo was playing with me, also smiling, and wearing a look of false anger. It took me a while to learn to differentiate these situations, but once I did, I never stopped smiling freely, as if it were the easiest thing in the world, because the feeling was wonderful...
"Who did you call a fool?" he asked, pinning my wrists to the bed.
"No one," I replied quickly, smiling awkwardly.
"Oh, really?" he asked again, teasing me. "You're pretty nimble for someone who used to be so slow."
"Well... I'm with the fastest guy in town," I commented, emphasizing his status as the best driver of any car I knew, since he'd apparently even flown fighter jets when he joined the Air Force.
He laughed through his nose too, shaking his head and biting his lip. But he didn't let go of me, nor did he mention it... Even so, I wasn't uncomfortable with him, I never was, I just waited to see what else he'd do.
"If you want to be faster than me, I can pass that skill on to you," he said then, and I didn't understand right away, frowning.
"Can you?" I blurted, not understanding at all.
He nodded, slowly bringing his face closer to mine.
"Yes, and it's not from training, I'm talking about genetics." We can share our DNA, and then you'll be as fast as me, and I'll be as resilient as you," he explained, and for a moment I understood, until a question popped into my head.
"And how do you share DNA?"
Then he smiled, as if it were exactly the question he'd expected me to ask. To my utter dismay—or joy—his face was even more beautiful with his smile.
It took exactly three months for Kudo Toshitsugu to enter my life, but for him to kiss me, it took only three seconds.
We'd never kissed before, and I knew what was happening between us was more than friendship. Everyone at the base knew it even before we did. But there was no resistance from either of us; we simply felt comfortable in each other's presence, and that's how it was, never letting go of each other. He once asked me if I knew what romance was, and of course, I did! I'd read that in the comics, where the heroine of the story ended up with the hero, and they lived their story happily. I liked that part; I believe everyone deserves a happy ending with the people they love...
And the person I love…
It's just him, it's just Kudo.
The one who helped me through my darkest hour, the one who was there to lend a hand when all I ever received was rejection, the one who came to me… There was no one else, it was always him.
My hero.
His kiss was calm, tenuous. He finally released my wrists only to bring his hands to my face again, and I'm starting to believe he really enjoys holding me like this, as if I were his whole world. I smiled at that between the kiss, making him smile back and ask:
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I replied, because now I was the one playing dumb. "It's our first kiss."
"Yeah. I guess you've never done that... or have you?"
I grimaced, as if thinking, and he immediately tickled me, making me break character.
"No, I've never kissed anyone, Mr. Bossy!" I replied, and I would have gotten even more tickled for that rude response, but first, I put my hand on his neck, making him stop and look at me again. "But we... didn't exchange DNA... did we?"
He laughed again, but this time he held back a loud laugh, throwing his torso back as he ruffled his own hair, which was already quite messy...
"No, we haven't exchanged DNA yet, Yoichi Shigaraki," he replied, as if explaining to a child, patiently.
I smiled too, finding his manner amusing.
"Don't you want to go back to sleep?" he asked, and I shook my head. "Aren't you sleepy anymore?" I shook my head again, smiling. "Do you want more?"
So finally, I nodded.
He shook his head, smirking.
"You make me lose focus, I don't know what you do to me…"
And he advanced on my mouth, without waiting another second, as if we had no time to waste.
"Your words cut so deep into my mind… You bring out the worst, and that's not love… I can't forgive and forget, no, not this time."
Those were my last words to Zen Shigaraki.
I swear he loved watching me bleed… And I found myself thinking, how long can we let this disaster continue?
Now, he probably wanted me buried instead of with Kudo.
But no, I will never let him influence my life… or anyone else's!
"I love you, Kudo Toshitsugu."
From now on, I will always fight for people to have a fair and good life, because that's what I was blessed with. All the anger and misery Zen put me through brought me to Kudo... I was supposed to be with him here now. And his fight became mine...
The kiss, now wet from the exchange of saliva, was finally sealing the DNA exchange of his game. But somehow, I felt this was serious, that this moment sealed something much bigger than the two of us, that love had won, no matter what.
Kudo brought his gentle hands back to my face, in that movement he was addicted to, and I held on to his torso as he pressed his body closer to mine, laying himself against me. So this is kissing. The dance of our tongues together. The caresses, the warmth. For a second, I thought I was suffering from arrhythmia, but no... it was just my heart beating faster... for him.
"I love you, you fool." I heard him say, but he immediately went back to kissing me more, so I couldn't respond.
But I smiled, and now, tears rolled down my face again, but this time they were different, because they were tears of happiness.