Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Over-under on how many times Buck mentions Eddie and Hen?” Harry asked, glancing back at May as he attempted in vain to re-puff up the couch cushion he’d been routinely squashing for the past few months. 

May tipped her head back and forth, eyes up as she pretended to seriously consider the question.

“Fifteen? Or, no, fifteen mentions of Eddie, seven mentions of Eddie and Hen, specifically.”

Harry nodded, thoughtful. “Yeah, okay. I’m going to take the over.”

May sighed, but nodded, “Alright. I’ll go equal or under then. Although I think you’ve got the easy one here.” She gave him a small smirk, their jokes reflective of the way they felt about Buck. He was ridiculous, but he was another brother. He was family. This was how they were with each other, and it was how they were with him too. The truth was that, as much as they made fun of him, Harry and May had needed Buck after losing Bobby in just the same way Buck had seemed to need them. “Five bucks?”

Harry nodded, abandoning the cushion that was permanently misshapen from his elbow and instead moving to help May put some of the remnants of May’s study away for their Bachelor evening.

When Buck first suggested they watch it together, May got the sense it had been putting out feelers. She’d been more than happy to actually organise. She’d been more than happy to have an excuse for a distraction in the best way. She knew her mother was struggling, but she was isolating in her grief. May was making a conscious effort not to. She was making a conscious effort not to let Harry or Buck either. 

An hour later, with Buck’s — Bobby’s — pasta bake pan sitting empty between them and the tv, Harry and May met each others’ eyes. They had been counting.

Buck had so far mentioned Eddie six times. 

(“You know, Eddie thinks he looks like an anteater.”

“Oh, that reminds me, yesterday Eddie said that—”

“Can you imagine dating someone like that? Eddie says that—”

“Well, Eddie’s not even home tonight, so he won’t notice that I took all the food anyway.”)

So far, only two mentions of Eddie and Hen specifically. 

(“I mean, some people just click, y’know? Like, apparently Eddie and Hen didn’t need any time at all to adjust to—”

“I was meant to watch that movie with Eddie, but he went and saw it with Hen already, so I guess now I’m either going on my own or waiting until it’s on streaming. Unless one of you wants to—”)

So far, May’s prediction was looking good. Then again, there was still time, and Buck had been known to ramble.

The show had already ended by the time Buck hit their threshold. May had her feet up on an ottoman, head rested on her hand as she looked between Harry and Buck, amused as she watched her brothers bicker. 

It was nice. It made things not feel so broken.

“I’m just saying that if I was Madeline or Tylah, I would be pissed about the way he’s acting. I mean, he literally told Madeline just last week that he thought he was falling for her, and now he’s choosing Natalie for the date instead? That’s a dick move!” Buck rambled, his eyes too intent to be talking about the reality garbage they were watching.

Harry nodded seriously, “I’m not saying I disagree that he’s a dick, I’m just saying that if he doesn’t pick Jessie, he’s also a stupid dick. Like, she’s clearly the right choice for him. I mean, she’d be the right choice in general.”

Buck looked aghast. “How can you say that?” He sputtered, “I mean, I like her too, but Madeline is right there. Natalie is cool, but I think he’s too standoffish for her.”

May just listened, amused, but then: 

“Eddie thinks Natalie is the best choice for him too. Can you believe that?”

Harry’s eyes snapped to May. One more mention of his and Hen’s friendship and Harry had won their stupid bet. It was only five dollars, but it was the principle of the thing. Never mind that May had won the bet the week prior, so she’d basically just be returning his money. 

“I mean, yeah.” Harry answered. And to his credit, he didn’t bring up anything to incite a mention of Hen and Eddie, only kept talking about the show.

They were at the door, and May was planning to pitch this as a draw, since one was over and one was under, but then, completely apropos of nothing, Buck turned back as he walked to his car, telling them: “What’s the bet that Eddie won’t be home yet from hanging out with Hen again?”

He shook his head, getting into his car, and May begrudgingly sighed as Harry shot her a shit-eating grin.

—

Two more weeks went by — more emergencies happened, as they tended to, but everyone was safe, and the Bachelor nights still took place. Overall, May would have anyone who asked know that she had won more of their bets. Still, the longer it went on, the more annoying it got.

Not because she was annoyed with him talking about Eddie, that was well and truly his business, but because she hated to lose to Harry. And worse, because she couldn’t help feeling like they were in a bit of a repeating cycle that, at best, was clearly troubling Buck. At worst, she thought there was very probably something else going on beneath the surface.

“So…” May began, glancing over at Harry while they waited for Buck to turn up at the door, towing what was undoubtedly too much food. “Over-under?”

Harry hummed. May knew then, he saw what she did too. It was one thing to joke about their jointly adopted older brother and his obsessive personality, but it was another thing entirely to joke when…

“We could just talk to him about it?” May suggested halfheartedly, knowing that it probably wouldn’t go over well. If he wasn’t in the strictest denial, she had no doubt that Buck would keep more of a lid on his own obsessive ramblings about his roommate. 

Because despite weeks of looking for apartments, Buck kept on going home to Eddie’s house, and Eddie kept on telling him it wasn’t a big deal, and May knew that because Buck had told her at least four separate times. 

The thing was, May had absolutely lived this obsession. To a lesser degree, for sure, but May had had “platonic” crushes on friends that were just a little too intense, back when she’d still thought she was straight.

Buck might know he was bisexual, but she saw weirdly-intense-closeted-sapphic-high-school-friendship written all over Buck and Eddie. Harry, who had negative gaydar despite their gay father and his queer sister, had picked up on it too, which surely meant the situation was getting dire. 

Harry shrugged, “I mean, he’s just gonna say we’re assuming things.”

May hummed, “Okay. So… we’re like, his kid siblings trying to make him see something.” She locked her eyes on Harry’s, serious. “What would you do if it was me?”

Harry scoffed, “It was you. I don’t know. I guess I would’ve tried to annoy you into submission? Like, keep pushing that button until you bit back. Metaphorically.”

“Huh.” May nodded slowly. “We can’t be the only ones to mention this though. What if he just shuts down as soon as we bring it up?”

Harry snorted, “Buck? Shutting down? Much more likely he’ll start rambling and admit some dark secret.”

May grinned, “You think Buck has dark secrets?”

Harry grinned right back, “I think Buck’s version of a dark secret is probably that he replaced his regular sugar with a healthier alternative.”

—

“Anyway, so then Eddie said that he thought he could probably sing opera if he—”

“Yeah, about that.” Harry interrupted, and May sighed. So much for subtlety, she supposed. “You and Eddie.”

Buck’s expression shifted into something May would liken to a man being interrogated for murder. If she had to guess, she would say this was not the first time Buck had been approached about this specific issue. 

“Are best friends.” He answered, with the finality of a conversation finished.

Buck might be used to being the annoying little brother, and May might be used to being the tired older sister, but Harry was ready in a way May had to find a little funny. 

“I was going to say super gay.” Harry answered casually.

Buck sputtered. “I’m bisexual and you know I’m bisexual.”

“Okay and what’s his excuse?”

Buck squinted at Harry like he had no idea what to say back. It was, undoubtedly, his fault for arguing with an eighteen year old. An eighteen year old raised by Michael and Athena Grant, no less. Harry had always been stubborn enough to argue until he lost his voice, being through as much as he had been so young had done nothing to curb how completely fearless he was in his arguments either. May was kind of impressed, especially since it wasn’t aimed at her this time. 

“He is straight and I am bisexual and we are best friends.” Buck managed, sounding terribly offended in a way that May thought was hilarious. He sounded like a Victorian lady being confronted with a dick joke. “I know you’re making fun of me, but it’s not like that. It’s never been like that, he’s— he’s straight.”

Harry’s dark eyes flickered to meet May’s, and then they both grimaced just a little bit. 

“I’m just saying, I’ve spent my whole life watching people pretending to be straight.” Harry teased, a little grin pulling at his lips. “I mean, if we can’t point it out, who can?”

Buck’s eyes flickered to May, who simply nodded, as if it was obvious where she stood.

Buck made a grumbling sound and shook his head. He muttered something May couldn’t quite decipher, but if she had to guess, she would’ve sworn it sounded like ‘like Tommy’. May didn’t know much about Tommy, except that Buck had had a pretty hard time getting over it all. That, and Bobby got very serious when he mentioned him. It left May with a bad taste in her mouth, but no proof for why. 

After that, Buck was quick to insist he was too tired to keep talking, quick to dart out the door with a promise of bringing extra dessert next week to make up for it. His flushed cheeks and jerky demeanour gave him away, but it also made it clear that he’d sooner run than break.. 

—

“He didn’t even actually say they weren’t in love.” Harry grumbled as he waited for the popcorn to be ready. “Just that Eddie’s straight. It’s just protecting himself, that’s all it is.”

“Okay,” May agreed, bouncing from one foot to the other, “So we tried the annoying-into-submission tactic. Now I say we try the real conversation tactic. I mean, maybe he needs someone to talk to about it. Maybe we could be like, the angels on his shoulder, y’know? Convince him that the way he and Eddie are about each other is…” 

“Gay.” Harry said again with a few quick nods, “Yeah.”

“I was going to say deeper than friendship.”

Harry shrugged, “I mean, I don’t think that’s it.” He said, surprisingly thoughtful, “That whole team is kinda deep and obsessed with each other, it’s not that that makes them so obvious. It’s that they don’t really make room for anyone but each other. Like, if I started dating someone and they introduced me to their best friend and it was that? I would run screaming. Nobody wants to be the obvious wrong choice in the rom-com.”

At that, May couldn’t help but to laugh. Harry had grown up a lot, but there was still that same bratty little kid energy in the way he described things. Her brother had always had a mind of his own, and he’d always been funny. 

Lately, it felt like, more than ever, May and Harry had each other first and foremost. May knew their mom and dad loved them, of course, but they were also… complicated. Flawed and difficult in their own ways. Their parents hadn’t exactly been stable and reliable figures, especially not of late. But through it all, Harry and May had had each other.

That was the thing about having one sibling in a tumultuous household. 

May and Harry could fight until they were blue in the face and holding in tears, but when something went wrong elsewhere in the family, the sibling bond snapped back into place like an elastic band, only far, far stronger. 

“Yeah,” May agreed with a hum, “I definitely wouldn’t be dating into that friendship either. So how would you put it then? How would you convince him?”

Harry shrugged, “I’m still partial to annoying him until he cracks. It’s Buck. He’s not exactly known for his enormous self-control. I mean, he’s literally losing his mind over Eddie being friends with a married lesbian. If you want to be all angel-on-his-shoulder and polite and tactical, that might be a you speciality.”

—

It took less than 20 minutes for Buck to start mentioning Eddie again.

In absolute fairness to him, the guy on the Bachelor was talking about ballroom dancing, so May could see how it’d come up, but still. Buck always found a way regardless.

May, sensing that Harry might be about to revert to stock standard teasing, figured it might be her turn. She was an older sister. Buck had an older sister. Maybe she could work some of that magic.

Although, now that she thought about it, if Maddie had failed, she probably would too.

“You know, as a young queer person, seeing you and Eddie gives me a lot of hope.” She attempted, hoping the flattery and solidarity angle might help her case somewhat.

He blinked at her, “I mean, yeah. Obviously some straight people are weird about being friends with queer people, but those aren’t your people.” His brows creased. “Why, has someone treated you badly because of that? Because honestly, that kind of homophobia is—”

“No.” May said quickly, shaking her head, “No, that wasn’t what I— I was trying to say that I hope to find something like what you and Eddie have.”

She knew before he responded that he was going to continue down the same path. She hadn’t done a good enough job specifying what she meant and that much was obvious. 

Buck was more in denial than their dad had been. 

“Well, I mean, I was older than you when I met my best friend, so you’ve still got plenty of time to—”

May opened her mouth to clarify, but Harry, ever the annoying little brother, was ready.

“She’s saying she wants a relationship like yours. Like with a romantic partner.”

So they were back to annoying him then, May supposed. 

Buck’s cheeks went red, and May couldn’t help but want to tease him a little bit about it. It’d be funner, however, if the whole thing wasn’t quite so… pathetic. She felt mean even thinking it, but it wasn’t just Buck, she’d been around Eddie enough to know the pathetic-ness was about equal. Eddie was better at presenting himself like a totally normal guy, maybe, but once you got him talking, he was no less weird about Buck than Buck was about him.

When he’d told May, absolutely casually, that Buck was Chris’ legal guardian, she’d done a good job at not reacting. 

Of course, she hadn’t known them as well back then — had known Eddie better, even, since they worked together — but even she had seen the strangeness of it all.

Buck was kind of like a Labrador who wished very hard upon a shooting star to be a real boy, and while Buck had been older then than May was now, she still realised how young he was for that.

Legally old enough and all, obviously, but much like May and Ravi and most of her friends, Buck wasn’t really in that phase of life. At all. He’d only just gotten his life together, to hear anyone else tell it.

So yeah, May thought they were kind of pathetic. She thought it was sweet, for sure, but still pathetic. 

Buck sighed heavily, “Not this again. Why does everyone think—”

“Two things.” Harry interrupted, ignoring Buck’s surprised face, “who the hell is everyone in this context? Because that’s important information. Also, don’t you think if everyone thinks that, they might be, like, on to something?”

Buck stared blankly, and May wondered if he was realising for the first time how older siblings felt. How she and Maddie felt. There was no one in the world capable of pushing your buttons quite like your sibling, and May and Harry might have come to the party late for Buck, but they certainly had invited themselves in like wrecking balls.

Harry had been young enough to feel no shame, and May? Honestly, May just liked him. She saw how he was with Bobby, how he was at his job, the way he treated people, and she thought that more family was nice. 

She’d said it to Bobby once, that while Athena had brought two kids into their marriage, Bobby had brought one.

May loved Bobby, and it didn’t take her long to see why he loved Buck too.

“No, I don’t think they’re on to something.” Buck grumbled sarcastically. “I think Eddie is straight and I’m not and everyone thinks I’m some stereotype who—”

“Why would we want you to be a stereotype, Buck? My dad is gay. My sister is queer. My best friend is non-binary. My brother is bisexual. Why would I want you to be a stereotype? Why would anyone?”

Buck looked annoyed, and May knew why. Harry could be a steamroller when he was making a point. Not to the average person, of course, he had manners. But to May? To Athena? He wasn’t patient enough to wait for you to finish.

Buck spluttered. “I don’t know. All I know is that no matter how many times you or Maddie or Tommy or anyone else says it, it isn’t going to make it true. It’s— Eddie is straight. I cannot stress that enough. Even if I wanted to — and I don’t — it would never happen.”

May chose that moment to steal the conversation back. 

“Okay, I can see where you’re coming from.” She started, using her best crisis management voice from her dispatch days, “I really can. But you can see how the relationship is kind of… spouse-ified, right? You live together, you spend all of your time together, you’re practically another parent to his kid and—”

“That’s just best friend stuff,” Buck argued casually, “and no matter how many times anyone says it, Christopher is still not my kid. I mean, I love him, obviously. But he’s Eddie’s kid. He’s done all the hard stuff. I’m a family friend, not family.” 

May knew it was coming from a place of insecurity, but it didn’t do anything to ebb the flood of… something. Anger? Frustration? Betrayal, kind of?

She couldn’t help it, whether she meant for it to happen or not, something in her chest arced up, bright and explosive. 

“Right, yeah. Not family. You’re not family to them. Kind of like how Bobby wasn’t your dad. Kind of like how Bobby wasn’t our dad too. Or maybe kind of like how our mom doesn’t love you like family.” Her voice was harsher and more sarcastic than she meant it. If she spared a little time to reflect, she knew why. They’d already lost too much, all of them. She refused to let insecurity or something stupid like blood in any way define who she loved or in what way. “Or— or maybe the same way we aren’t your real siblings.”

She heard it as soon as she said it. It was petty and childish and inappropriate. She was taking her insecurity out on him, just the same way he had been about Eddie and Christopher. She knew she was. 

She expected Buck to argue back, but instead, she watched him soften. His face seemed to crumple, just a bit, and he leaned forward from where he sat. 

“May, I didn’t mean to suggest that we aren’t— that we— look, if you want me to be your brother, of course I am. I just— I just don’t like to assume. My place in peoples’ lives, y’know. You know how I feel about Bobby. And your mom. But I don’t know that they would say that I was— that I—”

“Careful what you say right now because I will snitch on you to my mother and I will not feel bad about it.” She raised a finger to point at him warningly, and she watched him raise his hands in surrender. Distantly, she heard Harry snickering on the other end of the couch, too distracted by the conversation to pay it full mind.

“Sounds just like her, doesn’t she?” 

At that, May’s attention was caught, and she turned, glaring at her little brother. He, too, raised his hands in surrender, but he was laughing now too.

“What?” Harry probed, grinning, “I can’t help that you get that Athena Grant tone in your voice when you’re telling Buck off for being weird about family.”

Buck’s head snapped to look at Harry, huffing, “Really? You too?”

“What?” Harry shrugged, “You are weird about family and she is sometimes just like mom. Would you prefer that I lie?”

Buck sighed heavily, “I have no friends here.”

At that, they all laughed, and May was glad whatever tension there had been was broken. She hadn’t meant to snap at Buck, not really, but it was hard when it felt like the family she had left — after everything they’d already lost — was trying to leave them too. 

“Look. I’m just trying to say that you literally live with Eddie right now. You’re his kid’s next of kin. We clearly disagree on the nature of the relationship, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re family. Bobby was our second dad, and he was your second dad too.”

Buck sighed softly, “Honestly, he was kind of my first.”

May gave him a sad smile. “And I know you didn’t need two annoying extra little siblings; that you’ve already got Maddie and now Chimney as well, but—”

Buck raised a hand, but the movement was soft. His tone was too, when he spoke. “Don’t be silly. I always wanted a little brother and sister. I’m not sure I’m any good at it, seeing as I was always the baby. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be.”

May settled a little, and she felt a little stupid for reacting the way that she had. Harry had been struggling with the way their mom was pulling away from them, and May would’ve sworn she was handling it fine, but maybe she wasn’t. Maybe she was clinging more tightly to her family now, and maybe Buck was an easy person to cling to, because for everything else he might be, Buck was affirmational and thoughtful.

“Sorry. For being all…” she gesticulated, trying to find the right word, but Buck shook his head anyway.

“Nah, it’s— it’s cool. It’s what little siblings do, right? God knows I bothered Maddie enough as a teenager for this to be some kind of karmic justice.”

“As a teenager?” Harry asked, skeptical, “As if you don’t annoy her now too?” 

Buck rolled his eyes, but he was smiling… maybe even a little bit emotional, May thought.

“Okay, we’ve done the cute siblings thing now.” Harry said quickly, brushing it off. “Can we circle back to the you and Eddie thing?”

Buck’s smile fell. May sighed.

“I think you guys have been watching too much TV. We’re just friends.” Buck answered quickly.

May sucked in a breath, leaning forward a little bit. 

“Okay, but for argument’s sake,” she began, looking up at him with intent eyes, “what do you think it means that… did you say Maddie and Tommy? That Maddie and Tommy both see something there between you.”

Buck huffed a deep sigh, “Is this something we need to talk about? Isn’t it weird for me to talk to you guys about—”

“We’re both adults.” Harry cut in with a scoff. “And we’ve seen more traumatising shit than most people at your age.”

Buck’s brows shot up. “At my age? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m just saying you can tell us.”

May watched her two brothers stare each other down, and she smiled a little. It was a little silly really, the way Buck let Harry get under his skin. But then they both smiled, just a little, and May felt warmer in a way she really couldn’t have seen coming. She felt like she was with family. Honestly, she hadn’t felt like she had a full family since… well, since Bobby. It was nice to feel like that.

For a little while, it had sort of felt like her and Harry were out in the cold, nothing but a wet blanket to protect them against the elements. They had their mother, of course, but she’d sort of withdrawn from them. Disappeared into the night and not yet returned. They had their father, but he wasn’t exactly available, off saving the world. Everyone felt so far away, even the people they knew they had.

But Buck was there, and he was laughing with Harry, and Harry looked a little happier, and it felt whole. It felt like family. 

“You guys really want to hear what my ex thinks?” Buck asked with a sigh, obviously a little uncertain.

“Yes.” May and Harry made eye contact, briefly smiling at having spoken in unison.

“Fine, fine. Tommy broke up with me because of Eddie. We… briefly rekindled,” Harry muttered an ‘ew’ under his breath as Buck spoke, “and he suggested getting back together because Eddie was gone… the competition was gone.”

May didn’t mean to. Really, she meant to be calm and collected, the way she was as a dispatcher. Instead, a giggle slipped through her lips.

Buck turned to stare at her, brows raising.

Harry laughed next. It was a short snort of laughter, but it was there. 

Then they were both laughing, and Buck was staring at them with a kind of disbelieving betrayal, only barely masking a smile himself. He wanted to be mad, but he was finding it hard to hold onto that, obviously. 

“It’s not funny.” He attempted weakly.

May felt bad for laughing, but it was like a bug and she couldn’t stop. 

“Buck—“ May gasped, “C’mon. I know you’re in denial but that’s pretty funny. I mean, ‘the competition is gone’? Only agreeing to date because your boyfriend’s pretty best friend is out of state is… like, next level stupid. It’s like something out of a reddit post.”

“Am I the asshole?” Harry began with a grin, “I dumped my boyfriend because he liked his best friend better, and then I asked for him back when his best friend moved away during a crisis. No, I don’t think that’s toxic at all, actually, because obviously jerking other people around is allowed when it benefits me personally.”

Buck was visibly trying to look annoyed, but at Harry’s fake reddit post — which he posed with a particularly dramatic tone — he cracked a real smile, and then it was all over.

She understood it would probably hurt a lot worse for Buck, but she could only hope that hearing them confirm that the way Tommy acted was unfair would be a good thing in the long run. Maybe he needed the reminder that people were on his team. Even if the people were just his sort-of kid siblings.

By the time some of the laughter subsided, May was back to look intently at Buck. 

“You do get that it’s dumb though, right?” She asked, “I mean, he was setting you up to fail. He obviously went into it suspicious of you and Eddie, I doubt there was anything you could’ve done in that scenario.” 

Buck shrugged, “Yeah, but even you guys think he was right.”

May didn’t break eye contact with him, wanting him to understand her point seriously. “Sure, I think you and Eddie are something. But I also know you well enough to know you would’ve been giving it your all if you’d committed to him. He ended that relationship himself by giving up.” 

Buck scoffed, “Eddie is straight.”

“So you keep saying.”

They stared each other down for a few long moments before Buck sighed. “I know you think you’re trying to help me, May, but how is this helpful? Even if it was true, about me having feelings, all I’d be doing is setting myself up to get hurt. And to lose something way bigger than a romantic relationship. So, like, denial or not, isn’t this the best possible plan?”

It was the most honest answer May had gotten from him since they’d started this, but it didn’t make her feel any better. To the contrary, she felt like she might’ve finally been seeing it clearly. The terror of it all.

The absolute, heartbreaking fear of loving someone so hard that you broke the fragile tether between the two of you. 

May hadn’t really grown up seeing the most functional relationships ever, and she hadn’t had the best relationship with her sense of self either. Buck might be a bit older, but it was clear that age hadn’t — maybe never did — erase all that fear and all that heartbreak.

May remembered being so scared to be alone, to be hated, to be abandoned. She remembered what it had done to her.

She looked at Buck and saw the same fear. May shifted from her armchair to sit beside Buck on the floor, taking one of his hands. 

“You don’t really think having feelings would ruin your friendship, right?” She asked softly, watching him.

Buck shrugged haplessly, and then lay back on the floor of May’s apartment, stretching out. May, suddenly a little concerned, moved to lay beside him, staring up at her ceiling from a new angle. 

“I think I have a tendency of… pushing people away.”

May hummed. “You’re in good company.” 

Buck scoffed, “Don’t.”

“No, I’m serious.” May said slowly, “You think me and Harry are super normal and well-adjusted? I held someone’s neck while they bled out when I was seventeen, and I truly thought I was going to sit there and watch her die. Harry got a gun pointed at him by a racist cop when he was just a little kid.”

“I got kidnapped.” Harry reminded, a playful sarcasm to the quip, even as he moved to lay on Buck’s other side. 

“Yeah. He got kidnapped. Not to mention all the stuff our parents have gone through, all the days we didn’t think they were coming home. You’re just one of us in a long line of people with issues, man. And I don’t say that because I want to minimise how you feel, just… you’re not like, all broken and alone, y’know? I think most people feel like they’re too… wrong to be loved. Too much or too little or too loud or too boring. It’s not a problem you have, it’s— it’s human to be scared.”

Buck tipped his head towards her a little, “Sometimes you remind me a lot of Maddie.”

May smiled, “Thank you.”

“Damn, aren’t I supposed to be the one with the comfort and advice as the older one?”

May shrugged, “We can trade off.”

“You helped me when I was freaking out too.” Harry reminded, his voice soft. “It’s just your turn.”

“Well, someone else can have a turn.”

May smiled, but figured she could divulge something to them. Maybe even needed to.

“I left the dispatch to go back to college because it all seemed like too much. And because I knew it was what Mom and Dad wanted me to do, y’know? Get my education, have a backup plan, not be in the middle oall the trauma…” she shrugged, and she could feel Buck and Harry looking at her profile as she stared at the ceiling. “But I… I think I want to go back. I like studying, I like my college, but I feel like I could be doing more… should be doing more.”

It was Buck who answered, and he sounded like he was thinking through his words carefully. 

“Okay, but do you feel like you should out of some existential guilt or do you want to because you find it fulfilling?”

It was a good question, May thought, and not one she had an immediate answer for. 

“At one point, I definitely thought I just felt guilty whenever I wasn’t working because there were more people to save. But then I realised that I felt kind of… I don’t know. I felt happier when I was doing it, maybe. More like… myself? There are so many people in my life who do so much good, and I want to too. I wasn’t ever going to be a cop, god forbid, and I’m not sure firefighter was ever in my sights… but dispatch. Staying calm, talking people through their scariest moments... I’m good at that. I was good at that job and I felt useful doing it and… and I think I want to go back again. I think I want to help people.”

“Well,” Buck began, “some of the best people I’ve ever known were dispatchers. They might not get the same credit as cops or firefighters or paramedics, but you and I both know they’re just as much first responders as we are. If you feel like that’s where you’re happy, where you belong, then I back you. And I’m sure Maddie would love the chance to get to know you better.”

Something in May stirred, and for a moment, she thought she might cry. It was blindly supportive, yes, but he was also listening. Not trying to push some agenda one way or another.

And the reference to Maddie felt… well, she could call herself Buck’s sister all she wanted, he’d been well and truly accepted into her family, but hearing him indicate he wanted to bring her into his too, it made her feel soft and spongey all over. A little less alone. 

“Since we’re sharing…” Harry started, clearing his throat gruffly, almost nervously, “I’ve been thinking about what I want to do too.”

May had an inkling.

“I think maybe I want to… maybe I’d want to go to the academy.” He said, voice soft, “be like you guys. Like Bobby… maybe I could help people too.”

A moment of silence fell, and May could feel three people holding their breaths, all waiting.

Finally, Buck broke the silence.

“I think you might get a bit of pushback on that, given… well, what happened. But I’m not in a position to tell you no. Only to tell you that if it’s something you really, really want, you’ll need to be really safe and really sure. It’s easy to feel invincible when you’re young and strong, but we aren’t. I know you guys both know and— man, I don’t want to lecture you… I’ll support you as much as I can if it’s what you really want, but… you can’t be going off half-cocked and getting hurt, right? You have to understand how… big it is.”

May held her breath for a few seconds longer, the sharp prick of emotion behind her eyes almost too much. Harry was quiet too, and so she thought maybe he was feeling it too.

A few moments more elapsed before Buck asked quietly why everyone had gone silent. 

“You just— you just sounded so much like Bobby just now.” May admitted quietly. She craned to look at her little brother, and found his face somber and soft as well. 

“Oh.” Buck looked guilty. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“No, it was nice.” Harry said quickly, “Just reminded me why we all always knew you were his kid, really.”

“Yeah,” Buck hummed. The TV droned quietly in the background, but Buck, May and Harry weren’t listening. They were somewhere else entirely; family that chose to be family. “You know, that’s why I said that. Because I wasn’t careful. I was a liability, and I thought I was invincible. Bobby really mentored me, reigned me in. Made me understand that it wasn’t only my own life I was risking… and that risking my own life wasn’t as little a thing as it sometimes felt at the time. I guess if someone else he loved is going to be our new probie, the least I can do is… the same as what he did for me.”

Harry gave an emotional sort of smile. Buck returned it immediately. 

“Mom’s going to kill you.” May told him, and they both smiled a little.

“Probably you too.” The smiles didn’t waver.

Buck snorted, “Well, I’ll do what I can to support.”

“Well, really, with you and Mom and Bobby and everyone else we know, how were we supposed to grow up to be anything else?”

—

A few days passed before Harry and May brought it up again.

Maybe they felt guilty about obviously stressing Buck out. Or maybe they were just unsure where to go from Buck’s admittedly vulnerable admissions about Eddie, Tommy and how it all made him feel.

Eventually though, Harry broached the topic again.

“So… what now? Obviously Eddie and Buck are in deep fucking denial.”

May shrugged her shoulders thoughtfully, “Well, to be fair, we don’t know that Eddie is. Just that Buck thinks he’s straight. But surely it’s entirely possible that Buck is hiding behind Eddie’s straightness out of fear. Like, what if Eddie is entirely aware and just hasn’t done anything about it?”

Harry actually laughed a little at that, seeming a little surprised.

“Okay, but what if he isn’t? Are you two close enough for you to be willing to out him to himself?”

May actually smiled a little bit; she and Eddie were definitely friends during their dispatch days, but they hadn’t exactly maintained it when they stopped working together. While she thought she could probably text him and he’d respond in kind as friends, she didn’t know how it would go if she just texted him out of the blue to ask about his sexuality. She could try, but it felt like it would almost certainly backfire.

And what if he went to Buck to ask him about it? Buck would surely never trust them with anything again if he found out that they’d been so direct with Eddie. 

All of that was assuming Eddie wasn’t already just as unreachable about it as Buck anyway.

“Okay, maybe not.” 

“Okay. So maybe we do some reconnaissance then. We know that Buck is super jealous. We know that Tommy was jealous of them. Maybe that trend… holds…?” Harry was obviously amused by his own deviousness, and May tried hard to find it annoying instead of endearing, but she was getting soft as an older sister these days.

“You’re asking if Eddie is jealous too?”

Harry shrugged, all shit-eating grin and bright eyes. “I”m telling you that I’m ninety percent sure that he is. You already mentioned the will thing a few weeks ago, which I didn’t know until then. I don’t think Eddie is any less crazy than Buck, I think he’s just better at seeming normal than Buck is. And, like, not by much, if I’m being completely honest.” 

May nodded slowly. Harry had a point. Besides, Buck could be a lot. Obsessive and passionate and loving to the point of suffocation. She loved him, but she could be honest about that. May didn’t think Eddie would survive so much of it being pointed at him — court it, even — if he didn’t kind of like it. And, if he did kind of like it, he couldn’t be entirely normal either, right?

“So your plan is, what, to coax the crazy out of Eddie?”

Harry hummed, shrugging his shoulders, “Seems as good an idea as any, right? I actually may have a specific idea…”

May waved a hand at him, silently telling him to elaborate already.

“So I found this speed dating event. It’s specifically for twenty-five to thirty-five year olds and, uh, specifically for people who watch the Bachelor. I figured that’s how we get Buck to do it.”

May blinked. “Okay. I’m confused. There’s no damn way you’re going to get Eddie to that, even if you can convince Buck to go.”

Harry’s smirk made May a bit nervous. “And that is where Ravi comes in.”

“You’re kidding?”

“I’m not! We get Ravi to take Eddie out for a drink at the same bar and then he walks in on Buck geeking out about the Bachelor with some hot person. Eddie hopefully goes as crazy as Buck does. Bam, presto, done.”

May hummed thoughtfully, shaking her head at her little brother. “Small problem though. Eddie’s has seen Buck date heaps of other people. Over years. Why would this be any different?”

“The piece de resistance.” Harry grinned proudly, “I have intel.”

“You… what? From who?”

“Shut up, I’ve been bored and I’m absolutely sick of getting nowhere with this. I asked Hen about it yesterday when she and Mom were hanging out.”

“You brought Hen into this?” May could feel her panic rising, a bit worried that Hen was someone who might just tell one of them. Mind, it was possible that she was just as sick of it all as they were, but it seemed like an unnecessary risk to May.

“Okay, no, not exactly. I didn’t, like, tell her we’ve been scheming. I just casually asked if Eddie had been as weird about not working with Buck as Buck has been about him. Played it for a joke.”

Approving or not, May’s interest was completely piqued. 

“And?” She demanded, impatient.

“I believe her exact words were: ‘Oh my god, if I have to hear him call Ravi Buck’s new best friend one more time, I’m going to scream’.”

May let a giggle slip despite herself and the serious demeanour she’d been trying to affect. 

“Oh. It’s mutual.” She realised with a grin. She had obviously suspected as much, believed it even, or she wouldn’t have pushed it. But Hen’s words were a necessary confirmation of what they’d already suspected.

Eddie was just as nuts as Buck was. Just better at hiding it.

That was the best case scenario for them. 

“Okay… so our plan is to convince Ravi to convince Eddie to go to a bar the same night as a Bachelor dating night, which we’re also going to convince Buck to go to… Is that right?”

Harry nodded slowly. “I’ll take Buck duty, you take Ravi duty?” He suggested with a smile.

“Go team.” May answered with a half smile, positive this was a lost cause. 

—

“Absolutely not, Harry.” Buck said seriously, shaking his head.

Harry sighed heavily, looking at May like he couldn’t believe how difficult Buck was being. 

“Why not? You said you’re not into Eddie, and Tommy’s been old news for a while. This’ll be fun. You can report back to us about if the people are as wild as they are on the actual show. Hell, maybe you’ll even get scouted.”

Buck’s eyes narrowed at him, “I know you’re up to something, I just don’t know what.”

“I’m up to wanting you to do something fun, Buck. We got all open and feelings-y with each other and that was nice, and now I want you to like, meet your soulmate and live happily ever after or whatever.” He nodded seriously, doing a frankly poor job of pretending to believe what he was saying.

It was sort of hilarious that Harry was such an awful liar. And may could help, but she’d already had to bribe Ravi for this plan, so she figured this part was all him. As it stood, Ravi had looked at her like she was completely insane when she suggested it,

Only when she suggested that Buck might be less annoying if he and Eddie were actually together did he budge even a little bit. He said he’d already taken drastic measures to deal with Buck and his Eddie obsession before. He said he would do it again if he had to. May suggested that maybe this was the right plan. She wasn’t sure he believed a word, but he was in.

Harry wasn’t having the same luck.

“You know, I’m perfectly capable of meeting people on my own. That has never been the problem with me and dating. I’ve never struggled to find someone to date, it’s the keeping them part that I’ve always struggled with.” Buck still looked suspicious.

Harry shrugged, “Okay, so worst case scenario, it’s a fun story. You get to tell everyone how you dated through a reality tv show and maybe you meet someone, maybe you don’t.”

Buck was still giving Harry this look, like he was waiting for Harry to crack and tell him the truth. Frankly, May was mildly concerned that he was going to. Buck had piercing eyes at the best of time, but the paranoia he had Harry pinned with was enough to have anyone squirming with discomfort. 

Harry had grown up knowing how to stand up to Athena Grant of all people though. May shouldn’t have underestimated him, because he took a long, deep breath and started over.

“Look, Buck. I know things have been weird and hard for everyone lately. And I know we didn’t help by pushing you about Eddie and reminding you of all the Tommy stuff. I thought maybe this could be like… a peace offering, y’know? You’ll go and have a fun, Bachelor themed night and then we can debrief and watch the show together and we can forget all the awkwardness that me and May caused by trying to be annoying little siblings to you. I know it’s a bit weird, but it’s— I’m trying, right?”

May tried not to smile, but privately she wondered if Harry had missed his calling in acting. All it took was a little bit of pressure to get a great performance out of him. Then again, she supposed he’d known how to fight for his life. He’d had to do it before. Lying to Buck might well have been a cake walk and she might have been underestimating him.

But no, when Buck agreed — reluctantly — and May met Harry’s eyes, she could see the panic behind them. 

But, to his credit, Harry hadn’t let on.

Buck had agreed, and Ravi had agreed, and May was only mildly terrified that it was all going to completely blow up in their faces.

—

Buck felt a bit stupid.

Turning up to a Bachelor speed dating night felt a little bit like hanging yourself out on a meat market. It felt a little bit like going to PTA meetings with Eddie and having to create a team plan before they got swamped. In short, Buck felt… ill-equipped to be there.

So he was technically single and technically had no reason not to date. 

So May and Harry had been pushing him about his singleness for weeks.

So Buck was starting to go stir-crazy living in Eddie’s house and pretending not to look at him. 

It didn’t mean he needed to be doing this. 

The first girl he spoke to looked like she was going to wet herself when he said he was a firefighter. Once upon a time, the obvious excitement would’ve been welcome, but it was starting to feel a little too shallow for him. 

He spoke to a man named ‘Chad’, who looked and spoke like he was named Chad, and that was immediately a no from him. 

It took several goes to even find someone he didn’t mind talking to, and even then, she seemed like someone he could maybe be friends with.

She’d told him her name was Caroline, and her red hair sat in pretty, shiny waves around her shoulders. Buck thought she was pretty. She seemed nice enough too.

When he asked her why she was there, Caroline said her best friend had dragged her into it, and Buck gladly explained that his kid siblings had pushed him into this. 

He still felt oddly presumptuous referring to May and Harry that way, but he reminded himself that they had made it explicitly clear that it was what they wanted. He also reminded himself that after the loss of Bobby, they could use all the family they could get, as a collective. 

“So, I have to ask.” Caroline began, giving Buck a small, albeit friendly smile, “Do you know those guys, or are you just out here stealing hearts from strangers?”

Buck’s eyes flickered over to where she was looking. They were in a kind of roped off area for the event, but it was still a bar, and people still milled around as usual. Buck was planning to dip and go for a drink after that conversation, as it happened. Before he could ask what she meant, he’d already seen it. 

Eddie’s eyes met Buck’s. 

His expression was perfectly neutral, his stance completely normal. He was standing by the door, like he’d only just arrived and then stopped right there, but based on the awkward posture of Ravi beside him, Buck got the sense they’d been there a moment at least. 

There was nothing about Eddie that should be in any way wrong or jarring. Not the way he was dressed, nor the way he looked.

Buck couldn’t shake the feeling anyway though. 

Eddie didn’t look away, and for perhaps a moments too long, they just stared at each other.

But then Caroline spoke again, and Buck was broken from his reverie. “Do you know him? Because I can’t tell whether he’s planning your murder or not.”

Buck snorted at that, giving her his full attention as he realised how rude he was being. He’d see Eddie at home anyway.

“Sorry, they’re my coworkers.” He explained, not wanting to get into the best friends who lived together of it all. 

“Oh.” She nodded, examining Buck’s face like she was trying to make sense of him. Buck had no good excuse for any of it. “Your coworkers sure do have… intense facial expressions.”

Buck wanted to look. He wanted to look so badly. He wanted to drink in whatever was going on in Eddie’s eyes and use it to understand him better. He wanted to find some semblance of proof that everyone was right. He wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe, Eddie really wasn’t as straight as Buck had believed. 

Or at least, maybe he thought even half as much about Buck as Buck did about him. 

He sucked in a breath, letting out a little laugh. “I’m sure they’re just… zoned out or something.”

For better or for worse, Caroline was apparently invested now. She was looking over Buck’s shoulder, and he could see the amusement reflected in her eyes. Buck wanted to drop his head onto the table, convinced this complete comedy of errors was a hint that he really just should give up and stop trying to make dating work for him.

Clearly the universe wanted him to be alone forever.

Buck should have learned his lesson already.

“I think your coworker is arguing with the emcee.” She told him, her fair brows lifting as she glanced back to Buck. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but is your coworker like… okay?”

Buck restrained the urge to look back. Eddie couldn’t be the competition. That would be insane. He was going to spend his whole life this way if he didn’t learn to ignore all the tiny moments of hope. Hope or not, he knew better than to assume Eddie would ever feel the same. He swallowed it back down.

Buck let out a soft, anxious laugh. “Coworker might be… an underestimation.” He admitted, “Eddie is my best friend. He probably just, uh, was surprised to see me here, that’s all.” 

She hummed, her eyes still fixed over Buck’s shoulder. 

“And when you say best friend… is that in, like, the biblical sense?”

Buck wasn’t sure he’d ever had his jaw actually drop before, but it did right then, stuttering out an awkward laugh and answer.

“Oh, uh… no. No. No, he’s— he’s straight. I mean, I’m bi, but he’s straight. We’re just, y’know, best bros.” He could hear how ridiculous he sounded, but it just kept spilling out anyway. “I didn’t tell him I was coming when I left home earlier, which I guess was probably a little jarring, but he also didn’t tell me that he was coming out with my new work partner.” As if he wasn’t already with Hen enough these days.

Finally, Caroline’s eyes met his again. “Woah, cowboy. Home? As in, both of yours?” 

Buck blinked, his cheeks burning. “Yeah. I guess. Yeah. It’s a long story, but it’s temporary.”

She nodded slow, but she seemed fascinated, and Buck thought that this was perhaps both the blessing and the curse of dating reality tv fans. On the one hand, she wasn’t annoyed at the unfolding bullshit that Buck had to offer. On the other, she was just a little too invested in whatever was going on.

“Oh, would you look at that,” she said, sipping her wine with a smirk, “you friends have name badges now. Guess that means they’re joining us.”

Finally, the fine, fine thread of Buck’s composure snapped, and he whipped his head around to look at Eddie, who was already stalking towards them.

Buck felt oddly caught out, but there was no reason for Eddie to be annoyed with him. No reason for Buck to be afraid. He was a single man who had gone to a speed dating thing to make his pseudo siblings happy. Nothing weird about that.

He waited for Eddie’s approach, but before he got to them, he was directed to sit at another table, across from one of the girls Buck had spoken to earlier. 

One of the ones who got super excited about him being a firefighter, no less. 

So Eddie was doing Bachelor speed dating with him then.

That was, Buck told himself, totally fine. Fine and excellent and normal.

Ravi was also put at a table, but he stared sidelong at Buck with the long suffering irritation of a man who did not want to be there. 

The three of them, sat at three parallel two person tables, were looking at each other. Buck and Ravi first, but then Eddie seemed to feel their collective gaze, and his dark eyes were on Buck’s.

Buck still felt caught out, but the longer he tried to rationalise it, the less sense it made. 

Eddie was straight, Buck reminded himself, the ever present mantra of his slowly waning sanity. 

Eddie was straight, and Buck was single, and apparently Eddie and Ravi hung out now, so why the hell should Eddie be looking at him like that?

If anything, Buck should be glaring at Eddie. He was the one who was slowly stealing all of Buck’s best friends from him, himself included. Because sure, it was bad enough that he was always with Hen now. But Ravi was his new friend. And anyway, Ravi knew too much. What if Ravi went and told Eddie about the Tommy situation? Or worse, what if he complained about how much Buck talked about Eddie? The humiliation might actually suffocate him, and Buck wasn’t sure he could date-the-new-friend his way out of that one either.

“So… how sure are we that he’s straight?” Caroline asked, reminding Buck of her existence, and he groaned, shaking his head.

“We’re positive, thank you so much.” He said quickly, humming, “Why? You don’t think he seems straight?”

Buck knew he was being ridiculous, obviously. This stranger didn’t know Eddie. She’d never even spoken to Eddie. But talking about Eddie was kind of like firefighting for Buck by that point. It felt like an inevitability. No matter how much he tried, Eddie’s name just lived on the tip of his tongue. 

Was it healthy? Probably not.

But nobody had ever accused Buck of being mentally and emotionally healthy. 

“I mean, about as straight as you seem.” She said, looking at him like he was a complete idiot. Honestly, he might be, he was realising.

“Very helpful.” He snarked, shaking his head. “Anyway, he is, so it doesn’t matter. Can’t we just get back to what we were talking about?”

Caroline leaned forward against the table, fixing him with a bright, warm grin. “We could, but this is so much more interesting. Tell me more. I love a good will-they-won’t-they. Right now, that man is looking at you like he definitely will.”

Buck cringed at that, glancing sidelong at Eddie, who was making stilted conversation with the excited brunette Buck had basically scurried away from earlier. 

“There’s, um, not much to tell.” Buck scrambled to find something to say that wasn’t embarrassing. “We work together, obviously.”

“Mm, and life together.” She grinned, “Let me guess, there was only one bed?”

Buck blinked at her, confused. “Wait, how did you know that?”

“It’s a common— never mind.” She was smirking at him, and he had no idea what to say back to that. He felt like he’d met a match or something, and while he was impressed with her, he was also a little afraid. 

“Alright, bachelors and bachelorettes,” the emcee called over all the chattering. “If you’re vibing with your current partner, by all means stay seated but if you’re ready to meet another lucky contestant, it’s time to find a new seat. Boys, it’s your turn to move, so figure out where your rose is going to go next.”

The dialogue was all a bit awkward and cringeworthy, but Buck knew May and Harry would love it when he told the story. He figured maybe they wanted to embarrass him, but he was too enamoured that they wanted him around at all to be mad about that.

Regardless, moving meant getting up from the safety of his table opposite Caroline, and the possibility of Ravi or Eddie wanting to talk to him about this. The thing was, Buck wasn’t entirely sure why he was scared to have that conversation with them, but he was. Like he’d been caught doing something wrong. Only, he hadn’t. He hadn’t done a single thing wrong here, and it was purely fear. Unfounded fear. Embarrassing, useless, inexplicable fear.

Either way, Ravi and Eddie both rose from their seats. 

Buck didn’t.

He felt Eddie’s dark eyes on him, questioning, but he didn’t move. Didn’t even look up.

Why did he feel like he’d been caught red handed?

“Vibing?” Caroline asked him, sipping her wine again. “I thought you were dying to get away from my questions.”

Ravi walked off to look for someone else, but Eddie hovered awkwardly over Buck for a few moments longer, then turned to find another table too. 

“Lesser of the evils,” Buck quipped, managing — barely — to find some of his humour again.

“I think your buddy is hoping to talk to you.” She smirked again, “are you really sure that he knows he’s straight?”

Buck groaned again, shaking his head rapidly. 

He let the questions go on without any complaints. It was only another five minute interval, but it felt longer when Buck was busy panicking about whether Eddie was actually mad at him. 

Or worse, that he might actually meet someone he liked in this stupid event and it would be Buck’s own stupid fault for agreeing to do this at all. He wasn’t even trying to date anyone, not yet. He was busy trying desperately to delude himself into believing that he hadn’t actually been stupid enough to fall in love with a straight man. 

Straight best friend, even. Worse.

Just a fucking cliche all around. 

“So let’s say, for argument’s sake, that your friend really is totally and completely heterosexual. How do you explain the staring?”

“He isn’t staring.” Buck whispered urgently, hushed.

“Au contraire. He is currently looking right at us.” She grinned, obviously aware of and amused by how flustered the whole thing made Buck. “Gotta ask, where does the other coworker fit into all of this? Is he just like… long-suffering sidekick?”

Buck perked up, “Do not go saying that to him. He’ll never shut up about it. He’s my partner at work and he’s constantly complaining about our relationship already. We don’t need to give him any more ammunition, thank you.”

She grinned broadly, “Wow. You guys must suck to be friends with. Especially when you’re both still denying there’s something going on between you.”

Buck sighed. 

“You know we’re supposed to be flirting, right? Not you giving me shit about my straight best friend.”

She looked absolutely tickled fucking pink. “I’m a struggling actor whose only big booking was a TikTok drama and I’m at a dating event for people who love bad reality TV. Do you really think I’m expecting to find love at this seedy and badly organised event? Fuck no. I’m here to kill a night. And now, I’m here to watch dumb firefighters make comedically bad choices.”

Buck just blinked at her.

He wanted to argue,but honestly, he kind of respected it. In another life, maybe he was also a TikTok actor making fun of a dumb firefighter.

If nothing else, she really did seem like someone he’d like to be friends with.

Honestly, Buck had always been oddly drawn to people who were just a little bit mean to him. Both friends and romantic partners. Something it was obviously all in good fun, but other times it ended badly for him.

Romantically, it always ended badly for him.

“Ladies, it is now your turn to move. If you’re vibing, feel free to stay put, otherwise, time to find another seat across from another eligible Bachelor. Good luck, Bachelors and Bachelorettes.”

Caroline didn’t move, and Buck was kind of relieved. Only, Eddie appeared like a ghost at their sides so quickly that Buck hadn’t seen him coming.

“Can I please steal your date for a moment?” Eddie asked, really only barely feigning politeness.

Excellent, Buck thought, he was pissed.

Caroline was still grinning that shit-eating grin. “And here I thought only girls were supposed to be moving now?” When Eddie opened his mouth to respond, she cut him off with a wave of her hand. “Kidding. I’d never dream of depriving you of your… coworker.” 

Before moving, she grabbed one of the napkins on their table, pulling it close and etching her name and number into it with one of the semi-usable pens they’d left on each table. She made a gesture for Buck to call her, and got to her feet.

She was barely out of the chair before Eddie was sliding into it.

It wasn’t like Buck and Eddie didn’t sit across from each other all the time. Not like there was anything unusual about them dressed up and out in public together.

The unusual part was the strange tension that existed between them.

Eddie’s tense posture and dark eyes. The nametags they both sported, and all the awkward first dates taking place around them. To anyone who didn’t know them, it would look like Eddie had approached Buck because he liked him, because he’d taken a personal interest in knowing him better.

Contrarily, Eddie was looking at Buck like he’d caught him cheating, and Buck had absolutely no good idea of why. Buck didn’t owe Eddie his whereabouts. Besides, it wasn’t like Eddie had told him that he was going to be hanging out with Ravi of all people.

The problem was, now that Buck and Eddie were face to face, Eddie didn’t seem to know what to say.

The silence stretched out in front of them like a physical entity, until Eddie finally managed to say, in an accusatory tone:

“You didn’t tell me you were dating again.”

Buck, a bit lost, just shrugged. “I’m not, really. And anyway—”

“Sure looks like you are.” Eddie interrupted, seizing Caroline’s number napkin, trailing his thumb over the numerals drawn on the tissue paper.

Buck stared a little longer, then shrugged again with a little less conviction. 

“What does it matter anyway? It’s not, like, a thing. Whether I’m dating or not, I mean.”

“Some might argue going to a speed dating event is the epitome of making dating a thing.” Eddie commented, his face still giving his emotion away.

Buck was half expecting to be greeted with a ‘Welcome Home, Cheater’ banner when he pulled up at Bedford Street later.

“Okay, if you have something you want to say, I’d appreciate if you just said it.” Buck posed, his frustration only growing. He wasn’t the poster child for clear communication, but then, neither was Eddie, and Buck hated not knowing where he stood with people. Especially Eddie.

“I guess I’m just… I don’t know, Buck. I’m confused. I feel like I barely see you anymore and now I find out you’re… actively looking to date again and I had no idea. You can see how that feels…?” Buck waited for Eddie to continue, but it quickly became clear that he wasn’t planning to.

“That’s… crazy. You know that’s crazy, right? Eddie, we work together. We live together. I’m literally constantly around and accessible to you. I’m not sure how you could possibly be wanting more of me.”

He didn’t quite mean for it to come out as harsh as it had, but it was too late to take it back. And when he looked at Eddie, he could swear that on his face, Buck could see… hurt. Real hurt. He knew he’d maybe snapped a little more than intended, but the point he was making was about himself, not about Eddie.

“Great, thanks, Buck. My feelings are crazy and—”

“No, that isn’t—” Buck sighed, “that isn’t what I meant, I’m sorry. I just meant… I mean, you’ve already got me in your space so much. Even the house is too small for us both and— I don’t know. Most people can’t tolerate me for normal periods of time, let alone… y’know, all of that.”

Eddie stared, brows furrowed.

“Well, I didn’t know you felt so cramped in my house.”

“Eddie.” Buck groaned, exasperated, his voice raising a little louder. “Everything’s coming out all wrong, but c’mon, you know what I mean. It’s your house. You just said so yourself. And there’s no spare bedroom and, y’know, I’m trying really hard not to overstay my welcome.”

“Your welcome?” Eddie repeated, seemingly shocked. “Buck, you don’t need a welcome. It’s not my place. It’s ours. I thought that went without saying… Is that why you’ve been avoiding me? Because you don’t feel welcome?” 

Buck didn’t think that he had been avoiding Eddie. Sure, he’d maybe been out a little bit more often lately. But most of that was pure coincidence. Being busy or just trying to keep out of the way. Seeing less of Eddie was never what Buck wanted. Truthfully, he was shocked that that wasn’t plainly obvious to everyone involved. Clearly, it had been obvious to Tommy and Maddie and Ravi and May and Harry and fuck, even Caroline.

His devotion was so obvious that strangers saw it. Buck hadn’t consciously been trying to curb that, even though he knew it was a problem.

But then again, maybe he had.

Maybe he’d been trying to prove things to himself as much as to everyone else.

Buck didn’t need Eddie. That had been the intended message. That he could go back to being normal friends and be completely fine.

“What about you? You and Hen are suddenly just best buddies, you even went to the IMAX together. To see a documentary. Without me. I mean, you really can’t be implying that I’m the only one that’s been different lately. Also — you keep going to the gym without me. That’s like— that’s like going to the Zoo without Chris. So, I mean, you can’t really just blame me.”

Eddie stared at him.

“I haven’t— I haven’t ditched you for Hen.”

Buck snorted, “Oh, please. You’re basically best friends. You’re always laughing and doing your little word games together. It’s like… I don’t know, Eddie, not having you as a partner has been really hard for me. And it doesn’t even seem to bother you. You’re just so happy to be Hen’s partner now instead.”

They were probably getting too loud. Louder than they strictly needed to be. Probably annoying to the people around them. Probably making it clear that they knew each other before this. Did they seem like a fighting couple?

Buck was too far into the argument to care.

“Pot, meet kettle.” Eddie shot back, feverish. “Buck, you and Ravi are always together. The other day, I was waiting for you at home for ages and then I saw you on Ravi’s instagram story. Since when do I find out where you are from instagram?”

“That was because we got— you know what? Since I have to find out where you are from Hen.” Buck bit back, vaguely aware that they were causing a scene, and other people were watching.

“That’s different!” Eddie snapped.

“How?”

“It just… is. Okay?” He looked flustered, “Anyway, you are the one who’s been telling Ravi all of your secrets and not me.”

For a moment, they fell silent.

Buck was drawing a complete blank. What secret did Ravi know that Eddie didn’t?

“Excuse me, gentlemen. I’m so sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to step outside if you’re going to continue to argue. People are finding it hard to mingle with all of this arguing going on.” The emcee looked incredibly uncomfortable, and Buck felt a rush of guilt. Or, he did anyway, until Eddie scoffed.

“Right. So sorry to interrupt this lovely event.” 

Buck, who was used to being the one letting his feelings get the best of him, frowned at Eddie, noting how unhappy he looked. Really looking this time, for the first time, and noticing that he seemed genuinely upset. Not annoyed, like when they usually bickered. Sad. Stressed.

Immediately, Buck felt guilty.

Buck grabbed Eddie’s upper arm, not pulling so much as guiding him out of the bar and into the cold night air.

Once immediately outside, the bouncer asked them to move further aside.

Which, naturally, left Buck and Eddie huddled under a tiny awning against the rain. Buck took the moment to really examine Eddie’s face. When he’d turned up, Buck had read the expression as anger. Now, taking the time to really examine his face, Buck saw something else again.

Sadness. Stress. Fear. 

Suddenly, Buck felt like he had no idea what was actually going on.

“Okay, Eds. Taking a second to breathe here.” He paused. “Let’s talk this out.”

When Eddie didn’t answer, Buck sighed, pressing on.

“C’mon, man, you have to help me understand what’s happening here. What did I hide from you?” 

Buck took note of the water droplets in Eddie’s hair, the way he’d obviously been running his hands through it, undoing all the work he was always doing with all of his hair gel. He examined the nice black shirt he was wearing, little damp patches staining it from the rain.

Eddie looked lovely, Buck thought, even when he looked so forlorn. Then again, Eddie always looked lovely. Wasn’t that just the problem?

“I feel really fucking stupid right now.” Eddie admitted, and Buck finally clocked what seemed so different about him right then. 

He was being vulnerable in a way Eddie rarely ever was. His expression seemed cracked open and laid bare, and Buck hated himself for not noticing sooner. He hated that he’d arced up and gotten defensive instead of listening to begin with. He hated that his jealousy was a tangible thing in their relationship, a thing that had clearly hurt Eddie.

Had Eddie sensed Buck’s jealousy? Had he finally had enough of it?

“No, no.” Buck was quick to argue, taking a leaf out of Eddie’s book and resting his hand on Eddie’s shoulder, his thumb finding a home in the crook of Eddie’s collarbone. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten so defensive. But what— what did I keep from you? I’m not trying to be difficult or to put you on the spot, I just genuinely don’t know.”

Eddie looked at Buck for a long moment, like he was trying to decide whether to believe him.

Then, eventually, “Tommy.”

Buck blinked, “What about— oh. Eds, that was months ago. And I didn’t intentionally keep it from you, I just—”

“That’s almost worse. You just didn’t think to tell me this huge thing?”

Buck frowned, “It wasn’t a huge thing. It’s not like we’re back together. And anyway, if I told you that, I’d have to tell you—”

Buck cut himself off, eyes big. Oh, absolutely not, Eddie would pry that from his cold dead hands, he told himself. 

Buck frowned, “Eddie, the Tommy thing is— it was nothing. Temporary relapse. I was spiraling about something completely different at the time, so I just didn’t even think to talk about it.” He explained, “And, I guess if I’m thinking about it honestly, maybe I didn’t want you to think less of me? But it honestly wasn’t conscious.”

Eddie’s brows furrowed, “Okay, so then you didn’t tell me what you were spiralling about.” He argued stubbornly.

“I’m a bit confused right now,” Buck admitted quietly, “I mean, I can see how it seemed like people knew a secret that you didn’t, but I don’t think it would bother you so much to be… out of that loop.” 

“That loop.” Eddie agreed, “This loop. I don’t know, Buck, I… I guess it’s just freaking me out.”

Buck nodded slowly, “Okay, so… so you’ve been hanging out with Hen more. I’ve been hanging out with Ravi more.” He tried to reason.

“I told you, that’s different.”

“Why is it different?” Buck asked, a tinge of frustration seeping into his voice again.

“It just— it just is. She’s helping me with something.”

Buck’s momentary understanding was replaced by something else. Frustration. Jealousy. Annoyance that Buck could simultaneously be the bad guy for keeping a secret and be expected to just accept that Eddie and Hen had some secret that he wasn’t allowed to be a part of. 

“Eddie, what the fuck? You can’t corner me at speed dating and get all mad that I kept secrets while actively keeping one with Hen.” 

“Buck… drop it, okay? I can accept that I’m being irrational or whatever. Although, no less irrational than you are when you feel like I’m replacing you.” 

Buck frowned, “So that was like a quarter of an apology.” Buck argued, shaking his head, “And you still haven’t really explained to me what any of this is. I don’t know why you care about me telling Ravi things when you’re also telling Hen things. Not to mention you’re also hanging out with Ravi without me today.”

Eddie glared at him, shaking his head, “Buck.”

“No, I know I’m jealous and clingy and weird. You’re the one who isn’t. You’re the one who shakes his head and calls me a dumbass when I act all crazy. Since when do you get jealous and weird about what I’m doing? I’m the crazy one, you’re the withholding one.”

Eddie’s brows pinched together. “Withholding? I’m not withholding. You’re right, you’re more… outgoing about your feelings, but I am not withholding. Who initiates our hugs, Buck? Who initiates every fist bump or pat on the back or hand on the shoulder? Who said we were best friends first? Who put who in whose fucking Legal Last Will and Testament? Oh yeah, me. All me. Don’t call me withholding just because I’m not as good at being obvious about it.”

Buck blinked.

He thought back on every hug. Every clap on the shoulder. Every verbal affirmation of their relationship and— oh. 

If he wasn’t so riled up, so frustrated at having his devotion questioned, Buck certainly would’ve stopped then and there. Instead: “Okay, so explain to me what changed. Because none of that has ever entailed you being weird and jealous like I’m weird and jealous.” 

Eddie sighed, “C’mon, Buck. What could Hen help me with that might explain this change?”

Eddie said it so resigned and so sure, like an admission of guilt. Like he was certain Buck would completely understand what he was getting at. 

Buck didn’t understand what he was getting at at all.

“I don’t—”

“Jesus Christ, Buck.”

Eddie’s behaviour had been markedly atypical since he’d arrived at the bar. Jealous and grumpy and staring at Buck like he’d done something mean. And yet, despite all of that, Buck never, ever could have predicted the way Eddie shot forward, mouth finding Buck’s like a heat seeking missile. 

He couldn’t have predicted Eddie’s hands finding his hair and holding him steady, or how soft Eddie’s lips would be against his. 

Erratic behaviour aside, Buck thought he had known Eddie as well as a person could. It was true that he’d always been a little bit hard to reach. A little secretive, a little guarded. He’d always shown love more through his actions than his words, but even still, Buck had felt confident he could predict most of Eddie’s big life movements.

The only one that had really stumped him had been Kim. Which… suddenly seemed like maybe it had been a whole other problem he’d never even considered.

Because Buck was a little stiff, a little surprised, but it only took him a few moments to kiss Eddie back, wind his arms around Eddie’s waist and pull him in tight. 

Eddie was kissing him, fully and completely and thoroughly, and Buck suddenly wondered if this was the part of Eddie he’d never understood. The one part of him that had always felt far away. 

Was this what it was to know him, really and truly? If so, Buck wasn’t sure he’d ever been granted a higher honour. 

Jealousy and defensiveness and irrational behaviour was Buck’s thing. But maybe it was Eddie’s too. And maybe Buck finally knew what it meant to be loved as wholly and completely as he’d always given love. 

Who else but Eddie could ever give him that?

Eddie was breathless when he pulled away, and Buck took the moment to catalogue every inch of him. Flushed cheeks and a nose slightly pink from the storm they sheltered from. 

His eyes were a little hazy, as if he wasn’t quite sure it was real. His forearms stayed propped on Buck’s shoulders, not quite moving from him. 

He looked about as dishevelled and disbelieving as Buck felt. 

“I didn’t know you— I didn’t know you could do that.” Buck told him stupidly, his brain having bled out into the life-changing kiss. 

Eddie blinked, and the smile that pulled at his lips was blinding and giddy. “I want to be offended,” He admitted, “But I didn’t either.”

Then they were both grinning, and Eddie whispered, “I’m sorry, I should’ve asked, I— I didn’t know I was going to until I did. I don’t— I don’t know if you even feel the same way and—”

“Yes, you do.” Buck said quickly, “Of course you do. When have I ever been subtle?” And then, like a ton of bricks, Buck managed to get out, “Tommy said I was in love with you.”

Eddie’s giddy smile managed to wane a little bit at the mention of Tommy, but only a little. 

“Come again?”

“Oh, you wanted to know why I didn’t tell you. About the Tommy thing. It’s because he said I was in love with you. And then I was spiraling. Because I didn’t want it to wreck us and also I thought you were straight.”

Eddie nodded slowly, “So did I. Hen basically staged an intervention.” He confessed.

Buck’s brows rose. “How…?”

“She was sick of me talking about you and Ravi.”

Buck didn’t mean to start laughing at him, but he did anyway. It just slipped out, giddy and bright and so happy he thought he might drop dead on the spot. 

“Ravi was sick of me talking about you and Hen. And before that, sick of me talking about just you.”

They were both laughing then. Standing outside, under a poorly lit awning, with name badges on for a dating event neither of them wanted to go to. Buck felt younger and lighter and freer than he ever had felt, and not only because he was finally learning that there was somebody on the planet who could spend so much time with him and not get sick of him. To the contrary, despite living with him, despite working with him, Eddie had been upset to think there was any part of Buck that he didn’t know. Buck understood the feeling so vibrantly. Hadn’t he felt the same way forever? Hadn’t he desperately wanted to know every part of Eddie? To be involved in every piece of his life? 

“I’m in love with you.” Eddie got out, the words coming out choked, like it was a struggle to say them even still. 

Buck took the moment to press another quick, firm kiss to Eddie’s lips before he could say more.

“I thought I’d missed my chance again.” Eddie rushed out, before Buck could cut him off with another kiss. “That’s why I panicked. I saw you here and I thought I’d wasted all this time talking through it all with Hen just for you to slip through my fingers again.” 

Eddie’s words were so earnest, and the moment felt so fragile, and Buck just felt honoured to be seeing him like this at all. He felt honoured to know and to understand Eddie as well as he did. He hoped he spent the rest of his life getting to know him even better. Getting to understand him more fully. 

“You’ll never miss your chance with me.” Buck said quickly, shrugging. 

Eddie’s fingers flexed in Buck’s hair again, and he hummed, his smile happy. 

—

“Oh my god, stop.” Buck grumbled, shoving gently at Harry’s shoulder as he made the same scoffing noise he made every time Buck and Eddie interacted in any way in front of him.

May couldn’t help but laugh at it, amused by the way the two of them had taken so easily to acting just like every other set of brothers in the world. 

Eddie would roll his eyes and pretend to be bothered, but May knew he kind of liked it too. That was why he still held Buck’s hand or put an arm around him. 

The family, the teasing, the familiarity, it was nice. It felt warm. 

Maddie and Chim had scratched early on family Bachelor night, as had Athena, but they had good reasons, and so it was okay for it to just be them on that particular night. As it was, May sat cross-legged on the floor of Buck and Eddie’s house, waiting for everyone to be ready to start the show again. It would be quicker, if Harry and Buck weren’t constantly bickering.

“Ravi was right, meddling was a mistake.” 

May’s eyes snapped to Harry, shaking her head rapidly, but it was too late. Buck and Eddie had both heard, and they’d both gathered enough to understand that it meant something. Probably not least because Harry had the wide eyes of a deer caught in headlights, realising he’d messed up.

“Right about what?” Eddie asked, eyes narrowing suspiciously. 

Harry shook his head, visibly struggling to come up with a lie. “Just, y’know, that hanging around you guys sucked.”

Buck turned to look at May, who tried hard to school her expression back into something more normal. Instead, Buck only seemed more suspicious.

“May,” He began, staring her down. “What did you do?”

May swallowed, trying her best to look innocent.

Eddie huffed, “Oh my god. I didn’t even— Ravi said May had suggested that bar. I didn’t even think about it.”

May gave Buck her very best ‘don’t be mad’ face, but he was already looking between her and Harry with wide eyes. 

“Oh, I’m so going to get you guys back for this.”