Chapter Text
"Friday at last!" Enginner sighed, tossing his hardhat and goggles into his locker and rubbing at his eyes.
"About time," Pyro agreed, hanging his flamethrower and starting work on his harness.
The week had been a long, dull slog at Harvest; the relatively small battlefield and close quarters leading to frequent respawn trips for every member of both teams, longevity being less the game plan than strategic rushes and coordinating timing with respawn countdowns. It was miserable, bloody, and exhausting, the resulting wins and losses both proving terrible for morale overall.
Even the base was tiny, barely a house for them to share. The first floor held only a shared bathroom, a tiny kitchen they called a mess hall, and a combination recreation/meeting room that was essentially a black board mounted to one wall with a few folding chairs at the ready next to a pair of couches and the television. The connecting hallway held only six bedrooms, with the final three on the second floor opposite the infirmary. Each mercenary had their own quarters as usual, but each one was terribly cramped, leaving the couples that bunked together even less space than usual. The team's habit of lashing together beds (or bringing their own for longer assignments) was deeply inconvenient, leaving the mercenaries precious little room to actually climb out of the contraptions without having to vault their own footboards. There was space for little else, meaning the showers and locker room sat on the tiny second floor of the respawn building, separate from the living area, with no armory or workshop for proper maintenance and repairs.
The cramped setup was attached directly to the battlefield with little to separate it all and the control point at the centre of the field save for the abandoned farm house sprawling out between. Neither team enjoyed the privacy they did at larger bases like 2Fort.
But with the weekend came an end to the grind, and more importantly: the team's annual Halloween party. Finally, a chance to blow off the tension of the tight confines with some drunken revelry and probable debauchery.
"So I figure instead 'a waitin' for the liquor store to open tomorrow an' drivin' all the way out an' all the way back..." Scout began, unceremoniously dropping his backpack and weapons in his locker.
"Really need to put a teleporter out there," Engineer mumbled.
"I figure how 'bout me an' Soldier head out there tonight before the store closes, stock up, crash at 'is place in Teufort an' come back in the mornin' with the whole haul? Maybe grab some pizzas on the way?" the faun finished.
"Negatory, Private," Soldier said, shedding his jacket. "I am currently homeless."
Everyone stopped, turning to look with concern at their coworker.
"Wait, what?!" Scout gawped, grabbing the broader man by his shoulders. "You okay? What happened? Since when?"
Soldier shrugged a bit. "I was evicted from my apartment back in August."
"But we visit apartment after gun show," Heavy said, a bit confused. Hopefully having himself and Medic as overnight guests hadn't been some kind of evictable offense. But with how loud Medic tended to be...
"Yes," Soldier confirmed. "It was a week and a half after that. The landlord did a surprise inspection and did not tell me in enough time for me to disarm my booby traps. Then he had the balls to tell me I was in the wrong after he got his ass perforated with a twelve-gauge's worth of rock salt! What did he expect, coming into a man's home with next to no warning?! He should be grateful I replaced the buckshot with salt after the Administrator yelled at me for killing so many of her guys with TVs strapped to them."
"You been homeless since August?!" Scout hollered, shaking the man a bit.
"Negatory. I found a personal ad in the Teufort Reader that wanted a roommate to move in as soon as possible. Rent was astronomical, but I didn't have to wait around."
"Where was that?"
"Merasmus' castle."
Sniper's eyebrows danced upward. "Merasmus?"
"Yes. He needed a roommate who could pay a ridiculous amount of money very quickly. Plus he kind of owed me since he reanimated me and then shoved me out into the world with next to no explanation. When you create a life—or an unlife—you've got eighteen whole years of parental duty to perform!"
"Somebody tell me mum that," Demoman muttered bitterly.
"Wait, I thought he already had a roommate," Sniper pointed out. "Bloody disgustin' one, too."
"He said he'd finally had enough and kicked the guy out, but also said that if he came back, to tell him Merasmus wasn't home," Soldier replied with a shrug.
"Wait so how're you homeless now, though? Did Merasmus kick you out too?" Scout asked, finally letting go of Soldier.
"Well, it's a long story. He kept threatening to evict me, because I wouldn't stop touching his stuff, but he left it all over the place! How was I supposed to know what magic robes and skull bowls were public domain or personal items? Every damn piece of dishware was made of something or another's bones! And there were toilets all over the place! It was weird! Most of them weren't even hooked up to plumbing! They were just sitting there! He said there used to be more but he took out all of the used ones! What does that even mean?!"
Medic and Sniper shared a look, knowing exactly what that meant.
Scout pouted, trying to puzzle out all of the dramatics. "So he kicked you out for touching his stuff? Seriously?"
"No, no. Well. Yes. But not that stuff. It all happened last weekend..."
*
"So, you're the Bombbobasmotron, huh?"
Soldier rubbed his thumb and forefinger against his chin as he considered the ancient tome sitting motionless on a stand atop an altar in the evocation section of Merasmus' study. Surrounding it were the candles lit with the same magical green flames that illuminated the entire space from wall sconces, lending the cover's relief of an angry face with a bomb-stuffed mouth even further otherworldly menace.
The book's brow furrowed, its eyes glowing red as if awakened, and training on the curious dullahan, now craning over the book to examine it up close. "Man, it's Bombinomicon! Come on, you ain't even tryin' to get it right!"
"You're the guy who haunted my friend's eye socket!"
"You're gonna have to narrow it down, buddy. I do that to lots of people."
"His name's Tavish. Worked for Merasmus when he was seven. Scottish kid, black, one haunted eye..."
Bombinomicon rolled its eyes. "Nah, dunno him."
"What about my ex? I'm pretty sure you haunted his eye, too!"
"Oh yeah?" Bombinomicon replied, already bored.
"Yes. His name's Tavish. Worked for Merasmus when he was seven. Scottish kid, black, one haunted eye..."
"Man, that's the same guy!"
"You'd think that, but he's not!" Soldier replied with a grin.
"I don't keep track of every kid Merasmus hires or eyeball I haunt," Bombinomicon huffed. "You just gonna keep ramblin' at me all day or do you got somethin' useful to ask me? I'm an ancient book on explosives! Hell, if you touch me I can give you all kinds of crazy bomb powers! Just look inside my pages!"
"Bomb powers do sound pretty neat," Soldier admitted reaching for the book. Just before his fingers could reach its cover, he stopped, pulling his hand back. "Hey, wait. You're trying to haunt my eye, weren't you?!"
With a laugh, Bombinomicon flapped its pages a bit. "Ey, ya got me! I almost had you! I was so gonna haunt your eye!"
"Pretty sneaky, Basbobibbybomb!" Soldier chuckled.
"Man, it's Bombinomicon! Don't make me give you a bomb head. I'll do it!"
"Ha, messing with my head will do nothing! It comes off! See? Aufer Caput!" Soldier grabbed his head and pulled it off, his neck separating cleanly from his Cephalophore's Collar, which closed the bottom of his stump off. He tucked his head under one arm like he was carrying a ball, leaving Bombinomicon staring at his empty neck, which opened into a black void.
"That's a really good trick," Bombinomicon conceded. "But not better than Bomb Head! Go!"
In a flash of magic, a bomb appeared in the air at the top of Soldier's neck, where his head would be. Soldier jolted a bit as the bomb fell onto the rim of his neck, touching the flesh there, and sagging between. He shuddered, gritting his teeth so as not to spill the beans to the magic book before him that the contact felt good. His neck and the rim of the abyss were erogenous zones for the dullahan, the abyss itself provoking its own pleasant sensations when penetrated.
The bomb was smaller than the average bomb head, and its weight sat heavy against his sensitive flesh for a long moment before slipping inside and falling into the void within him. His eyes went wide, his mouth falling open, and his knees went weak at the sensation. It felt good, filling him and rippling through him in strange nonsensical ways that reminded him of the bone-deep bliss of lying back and letting a man fuck him. But. In his neck. And deep somewhere else, too.
Looking to Bombinomicon, he saw the book looking surprised. He instinctively tried and failed to clear his throat, hoping not to sound too breathless as he said, "You did not turn my head into a bomb."
"Okay so it's kind of a sloppy spell. I'm a book; what do you want? Most people have heads on their necks, buddy. Did you just eat the bomb?"
"No. I don't think so." Not eat, no. More like he just lost it inside him, like a toy without a flared base. The pleasure of the penetration had passed, but now he did feel just the slightest sensation of fullness, comfortably so. "This is a void inside me, but it's bigger than me inside."
"Is it infinite?"
"I dunno."
"You ain't exploded yet."
"Should I have?"
"That fuse ain't that long, buddy. Can you pull it out?"
"I've never really tried putting things in there before, much less pulling them out," Soldier hummed thoughtfully. "I mean, I've put things in there, but never let go of them and left them in there." After a moment, he apprehensively reached his hand into his neck and felt around. If he were alive he'd be panting, and again he clenched his jaw to keep himself from giving away how good it felt as his arm slid past his entrance, fingers groping around blindly inside. Quickly, the round shape of the bomb met his fingers, and he palmed it, pulling it a bit awkwardly back out, the thing just slightly too large to come out easily. He couldn't help a gasp at the tight fit, the way it rubbed the rim of his neck on the way out, the shiver of pleasure that rippled through him. "Feels like I'm choking," he grunted, trying to cover for his own reaction, yanking it free. The fuse was still burning, having grown no shorter in the time it was inside of him.
"Good stuff, you got yourself an extraplanar space in there!" Bombinomicon cheered. "Now put it back, quick."
Soldier shoved the bomb back in quickly, unable to hold back a soft, pleasured sound in spite of himself. If the Bombinomicon noticed, it didn't say anything about it. "An extraplanar space?" he asked, trying to divert attention from it as his knees grew more jelly-like.
"Yeah! I mean, you ain't wrong, it is a void, but it ain't infinite. It's part of you, kinda! And it looks like time don't move in there, based on that fuse. Bet you could store all kinds of good stuff in there."
"...like more bombs?"
"Buddy, you read my mind!"
*
"So it kept summoning bombs and I kept pushing them into my neck for the next hour or so. I had to come clean about how good it felt because I came, but it didn't really care because it's a book. Eventually we did reach a limit, and Basbobombibomb did some fancy math and said it's probably about ten foot square in there, give or take."
"That's hot as hell," Scout said, licking his lips. "And pretty handy. So you're chock fulla bombs?"
"Not anymore! Eventually Merasmus came in, found me messing with his fancy bomb book and started yelling and casting spells. He summoned these magical tentacles that lifted me up by the legs, and it turns out that my neck void just stays open because all of the bombs that got shoved in there came spilling out like he was shaking them out of a bag. That made me come again. And since they'd all been put in right away, when they came out the fuses kept going, and they all blew up in one big explosion that took out a big chunk of the library."
"All of that knowledge!" Medic lamented.
"That had tae be a grand aul blast! An explosive orgasm!"
"Hoo buddy I bet Merasmus was pissed," Scout chuckled.
"He was!" Soldier confirmed with a grin. "He summoned my lease and tore it to pieces in front of me, said I was being evicted. Then he was still so mad that he barfed up his own soul and threw me through a portal to the outside of the castle."
"So you been homeless all week?" Scout asked.
"Only technically. I live on base anyway," Soldier shrugged. "I'll find something by our next furlough. The real problem was that he didn't throw my stuff out with me. It was still in my room. So I had to break in to get it. I did it when he was out of the house, so I snuck into his master bathroom and left a present in the tank of his personal toilet," he added with a sinister chuckle.
"You upper-decked Merasmus' toilet? Nice!" Scout laughed, giving Soldier a crisp high-five.
"Oi, lad. When'd ye say ye did that deed?" Demoman asked. He was looking out the window. A soft green light was beginning to bleed out from under his eyepatch.
"The bomb thing was last weekend, but I went to get my stuff last night. Why do you ask?"
All of the lights in the base shut off, blanketing the mercenaries in darkness. From outside, a sickly green glow began to creep in the windows.
"Because Merasmus is outside right now."