Chapter Text
Lucifer had been enjoying tea in the hotel’s parlor before he felt the air in the room shift. The shadow from beneath the sofa opposite him twitched and spread, before climbing up the seat to morph into what he would put lightly as his Least Favorite Fucker. The corners of his mouth drew down with no permission from himself.
“Alastor,” he says with about as much warmth as the ninth ring.
“Lu,” Alastor responds jauntily.
He’s pissed off already.
“To what do I owe the displeasure?”
Alastor laughed lightly, which sounded disjointed with the radio filter, leaning his weight against his newly mended staff.
“Nothing incredibly pressing. I just wanted to follow up on some things.”
That’s all the warning he gets before a black tentacle is shooting at him at high velocity. Lucifer jumps to the side, the appendage tearing a hole in the sofa’s back.
“HEY, this is nice furniture!”
The tentacle extracts itself from the fabric and stuffing, moving to come for Lucifer again. He catches it in his hand easily, glaring over at the red dickhead. Alastor’s smile doesn’t move, but his eyes are narrowed.
“You’re not able to hurt sinners.”
Lucifer can feel the tentacle trying to pull itself from his grasp, but it only feels like a fly buzzing in cupped palms.
“No, but that doesn’t mean they can hurt me,” he growled.
He lets it go, and it disappears behind Alastor.
“Fascinating. So you may protect yourself, or deflect, but cannot retaliate.”
“I mean I could throw you to the other side of the pentagram if you want.” He sighed. “Why the interest in this? If you’re looking to hurt me or Charlie-” his voice multiplies on itself in his building rage.
“Perish the thought! Much as it would be amusing to fight you in sincerity, rather than in the parlor show you seem keen on, it would ultimately be useless. It does however, inspire questions.”
Lucifer blinked, relaxing back into his seat. This was probably the most civil conversation they had had so far. Most of their interactions were goading each other until one eventually stormed off.
“Like what?”
“Why make you the king of hell, but not the punisher?”
Lucifer bit the inside of his mouth. He didn’t love thinking about why he was here. It didn’t help anything. Just brought up old wounds.
“Hell is the punishment. It doesn’t need me to dole out suffering. Sinners do that plenty well without my influence.”
“Then what is the point of you?” he asks lightly, as if it isn’t a massive stab at his ego.
The instinct to lash out burns in him, but he breathes through it, a little bit of smoke drifting from his nose.
“Not that it’s any of your business,” he starts, not sure why he was even saying this. Maybe it was because he hadn’t had anyone to talk about it for almost a decade. “but the point of me is creation. Me being king is just my punishment.” He fiddled with his tea cup, claws catching on the porcelain. “Charlie always said it was a good thing I didn’t hurt them.”
Alastor tilted his head.
“I’m sure she sees you as benevolent.”
Lucifer snorted.
“I don’t think anyone who avoids their subjects as much as I do, or despises them, could be considered benevolent.” Images of the horrible things he had witnessed over ten millennia flood his mind. He tries to focus on the present. He thinks to the projects he’s working on back in his study. The work would keep his own demons quiet. “You don’t know how infuriating it is to watch those who are here for mere mistakes they made be tormented by those who don’t regret what they did and continue to do at all.” His glare returns, directed at the man across from him. “Overlords like you sitting pretty and enjoying this wretched place like it’s your bloody playground. You aren’t punished at all. You revel in it.”
Alastor’s smile somehow widens, as if he had been looking for something, and he’d found it. One blink and he’s standing over Lucifer, who flinches and holds his teacup higher as if afraid he’ll break it.
“And oh how you wish to punish the sinners like me who have it so good here. Make them actually pay for their crimes, rather than be rewarded for their ruthlessness, hm?”
Lucifer gapes a bit, but snaps his mouth shut to clench his too sharp teeth.
“But I can’t, as you so kindly pointed out.”
“Yes, you can’t, but, what is to stop you from utilizing someone else to, how would we put it, do your dirty work? To dole out punishment at your will so that those who deserve to find redemption have the chance...and those who don’t wish they could.”
Lucifer blinked, his brain struggling to comprehend what Alastor was suggesting.
“Someone...like you?”
A laugh track plays, and Alastor taps his staff to Lucifer’s cane as if in a toast.
“Well, unless you have other powerful beings lining up to offer their services?”
Lucifer finally vanishes the tea, rubbing the bridge of where his nose used to be.
“You can’t be fucking serious. You want to be, what, my knight? Why the hell would you want to work for me?”
“Well, nothing is free my dear.”
Lucifer laughed, shaking his head.
“Of course. What do you want? A deal? More power? Your own stupid tower like those media demons?”
Alastor’s smiling expression somehow looks more like a grimace at that, but he recovers quickly. He looks almost wistful as he walks around the room with a casual air.
“Before I died, I made sure that I would arrive in this place with the most power possible. Those preparations have run their course. I need...a guarantee that the rest of this afterlife will be to my liking.” He turns sharply, grin more genuine than before. “Who better to accomplish that than the one in charge?”
Lucifer stands, hands balled into fists.
“In the very hypothetical situation where I agree to this...it wouldn’t be a deal like you have experience with.”
“Meaning?”
“You would be inducted into my court. Barely a sinner, you would be my sword.” He grimaced, the wind leaving his sails. “This whole discussion is pointless! We don’t even like each other. Spending eternity tied to a homicidal cannibal doesn’t sound like my idea of a good time.”
Alastor was suddenly all together too close to him, making him stand up straighter. He fucking hated when he teleported like that.
“I only killed those who deserved it.”
“Pft, yeah, according to you.”
“Well, now it would be according to you.”
Lucifer shook his head.
“Why are you even suggesting this? You hate me.”
“I don’t hate you. I only hate the potential you squander. It’s pitiful to see such a powerful being so...ridiculous.”
Lucifer rolls his eyes.
“Yeah, well, try being millions of years old and then being cursed to witness atrocities for ten thousand years. You’ll develop some weird hobbies too.”
“Well, perhaps I will get that chance.”
Lucifer stares up at him, trying to read the man’s intentions through any tells. It doesn’t come up with much. He sighs.
“Let me think about it.” He glowers. “And consult with Charlie. If you’re serving me, you’re serving her too.”
“Of course! Do be snappy about it though. Good deals don’t last forever.”
With that, he fades into shadow once more.
Lucifer curses to himself, finding his afternoon so much more complicated than he had planned it to be.