Chapter Text
Duke would like to say that this is all Jason's fault.
And Damian lowkey deserved it for being such a Dick defender, but it's not his fault. He's still a kid, albeit a freaky one.
But, he thinks as Talia snakes an arm around his shoulders and pulls him in closer, maybe I should have given up this morning.
Still, never let it be said Duke Thomas does not commit to the bit.
Jason just wanted to help Alfred make breakfast. Maybe bug Bruce a bit for his blunder on patrol last night.
Ordinarily, Duke and Damian being in the kitchen would make the process much faster. Instead, they seem to have made up new tasks for Jason to suffer through, including arguing as they nearly tip over some of the pancake mix.
“I'm just saying that if he wasn't such a dick-”
“Richard is not a dick!” Damian exclaims valiantly.
Duke scoffs. “His nickname is Dick.”
“It is short for Richard you lowly fool-”
“Lowly?! I'll show you lowly you little piece of-” Duke lunges at Damian, knocking an egg off the counter. Damian holds him off with a spatula, and screeches, “You dickhead, I swear to god Thomas, they will not find your body!”
“Master Damian!” Alfred scolds, “I expect better from you.”
“Duke started it!”
“Yeah, and I'll end it right now-”
“Master Duke, control yourself.”
“Yeah, control yourself, Duke.” Damian grins. Duke shoves him into the cracked egg, and his eyes glitter with vengeful mirth when Damian screeches.
“That is enough!” Alfred orders. Duke lets up, and Jason watches with vague interest and much stronger annoyance as Damian immediately tries to strike Duke. Alfred steps between them and points at the kitchen door.
They glare at each other, before Duke storms out. The kitchen is silent and Jason valiantly ignores Alfred's pointed stare for all of ten seconds.
“Fine! I'll go follow him.”
Jason finds Duke in the batcave, preparing for the day shift.
“Y'know, patrolling without breakfast is a bad idea.” He says in lieu of a greeting.
“Y'know, breakfast while angry is a bad idea.” Duke replies, shoving his bright boots on his feet.
“Then, this isn’t breakfast.” Jason offers up a tray of toast and juice. Duke stares for a moment, before sighing and settling on the stairs. Jason takes the cue to sit beside him.
They sit in silence for a few moments, before Duke groans. “Okay, I can physically feel you eyeing me. What is it?”
“What the fuck was up in the kitchen?”
“Ugh, it was nothing. Some ribbing gone too far.” That, unfortunately, would make sense in their family. However-
“You really don’t like Dick, huh?”
“I don’t like Damian and everyone putting him on a stupid pedestal. He’s a dumb cop who sucks and his only redeeming quality is that he’s a semi-decent older brother, but he’s not even excelling at that.”
A beat. “Wow. That’s a- thing. So you were arguing with Dami over that?”
“No, I was actually mocking him about Talia and Bruce doing the do.”
Jason chokes. “You what?”
“Yeah! I didn’t know he could turn that shade of red, it was amazing.” He dreamily sighs, “And then we devolved.”
“I- that’s not ribbing?” Jason says incredulously.
“Okay, but it was still funny.” Duke argues. Jason can’t say it isn’t.
They fall into comfortable silence for a while, filled only with Duke’s chewing when Jason decides to break it.
“I actually slept with Talia once.” Jason snickers, “Though, Dami refuses to acknowledge it. Ignorance is bliss and all that-”
“You what? Isn't she like super old?”
“Hey! I resent that. She's like forty-something?”
“Double your age!” Duke points out. Jason shrugs.
“I'm not telling you to do it. But it was a weird time.” That's usually code for ‘I had just died’.
“So Damian really doesn't like it?” Duke hums. Jason doesn’t like that hum. Its suspicious.
“At the very least, he doesn't like the idea of it-”
“Cool, okay! Thanks for the food, Jay, itwasreallygood!” Duke rushes out of the cave suddenly, and Jason sighs.
Whatever he’s planning, there’s no stopping it now, he supposes.
At least there's breakfast upstairs.
Duke has a plan. He has skills. He has a course of action.
This is his most important mission yet. He needs to convince Damian that he has a crush on Talia, and then he needs to memorialise the realisation forever. It will be beautiful.
However, to get to that point, he must set several other things in motion.
“Tim!” He calls out to the older boy. Tim, to his credit, does not jump at seeing Duke materialise in his office immediately after a meeting.
“Hey Duke! What’s up?”
“Nothing much. I know you’re busy but I need a huge favour and you’re really super cool and nice and would totally help me out and would also be able to keep it a secret, so could you please help?”
Tim blinks, takes a moment to process, and shrugs. “Sure I could. What sort of favour’s this?”
“The secret kind? I just need to print off some stuff and… beabletocontacttheLeague?”
“Of Assassins?” Tim clarifies, shocked, “Why the hell would you want to be in contact with them?”
Duke rocks on his heels and refuses to look Tim in the eye.
“Duke, why do you need to be in contact with the League of Assassins?”
“Okay, I don’t need to be in contact with the League, but it would make everything so much easier. Just- Please, Tim? I promise I won’t do anything stupid without telling someone first.”
Duke doesn’t think this plan is stupid. He won’t actively talk to any of the Al Ghuls or anything, and he’s all the way in Gotham. Plus, he’s not trying to sabotage the League or anything, so it won’t set Ra’s on his ass.
He’s thought this through very thoroughly.
Tim steeples his fingers together. “What makes you think I can contact the League in the first place?”
“The flowers on your receptionist’s desk are credited to Ra’s. The skull on that shelf is from his sister. You actively have a League comm on your desk.”
“Did you snoop through the entire building?” Tim mutters, and then sighs. “Fine. I’ll give you access to the League’s servers. Will that suffice?”
“You’re the absolute best! You won’t regret this I swear.”
“I absolutely will. Was there anything else?”
“Oh yeah! Where’s your printer, and please don’t tell anyone about this? Seriously, for like one week, just don’t tell anyone, at all.”
Tim sighs really hard- he has some lungs, holy shit- and points to the corner of his office. “Just plug your phone or whatever in and print. You have one week, and then I tell Bruce you’re talking to the League.”
Duke nods, and plugs his phone in. The document he prepared is filled with pictures from case files, old clippings, and some of Bruce’s personal gallery. As it prints, he turns back to Tim.
“What’s it like having an Al Ghul crush on you?”
Tim chokes, and whips around, red-faced. “What?”
“I mean, Ra’s has a crush on you right? Or his sister does, and he is a really good wing man.”
“Did something happen? Duke, I swear to god, if you are having a thing with an assassin so help me-”
“I’m not having a thing with an assassin! I just wanted to fill the silence, it was really awkward.”
“With that question?”
“I was curious!” Duke huffs. The printer dings, and he picks up the pile of pictures. “Thanks for the printer, and the server entrance!”
“I’ll email you a link. If this is something serious Duke, I will help you. Swear on Titus.”
“It’s really not Tim. Promise. I’ll tell you if it is.”
Tim narrows his eyes at him. Whatever he finds satisfies him, and he sits back.
“Fine. One week, and then I tell.”
“One week. See you at dinner tonight!” He waves as he leaves. Tim waves back.
He can do one week. Hell, if he follows his plan well enough, he’ll be sorted in three days.
Duke’s got to give Tim credit, he’s fast. The link sits in his inbox an hour before dinner, alongside a username and password. It leads to a login page. Duke fills it in, and feels a grin spread.
He skips past the ‘future plans’ section, and opens the ‘members’ file. There’s a search box, so he fills in ‘Al Ghul’ and groans when the files come up classified. He tries the password again, hisses when it doesn’t work.
Okay, if he were Ra’s Al Ghul, what would his password be?
‘Save-the-trees1’ doesn’t work.
Neither does ‘T@1ia’ or ‘D@mian123’.
He has one last try before the files flag him up. He thinks really hard, and lights up when an idea hits him.
Surely Ra’s wouldn’t…
No way. Duke cannot believe that this would work.
The files open.
Ra’s Al Ghul’s password to some his most protected files is ‘Password1’.
Duke files that away in his ‘stuff to think about when the world is ending’ part of the brain, and turns back to the files. He skims past Ra’s, because he is a very old man and Duke is currently thinking that he could whack the guy’s back and he’d go down in a pile of bones, and perks up at Talia’s file.
Her head shot blesses him, and he screenshots it and saves it to his camera roll and snap chat memories. There are a lot of pictures of her- mostly to catalogue injuries, some are of her achievements captured by her goons. He screenshots a handful, and keeps scrolling.
He mentally notes that Talia probably enjoys some really good gourmet food when it’s served to her, and doesn’t particularly like cooking if her many restaurant-based mission reports are to go by.
Alfred knocks on his door and announces that dinner is ready. Duke pauses his research in favour of beating Dick to the table and sitting next to Jason.
Dinner passes, and everyone heads down to the cave to prepare for patrol. Duke’s helping Cass with her eye-shadow when Tim stalks up to them.
“How’d you get into those files?” He demands.
“How’d you know I got into them in the first place?”
Cass furrows a brow. “What files?”
“Nothing important.” Duke rushes to answer before Tim could blow everything up. Tim merely glares at him.
“Pretty defensive there, sunny boy.” Dick laughs.
Duke shrugs. Tim shoves him. “How. Did. You. Get. Into. Those. Files?”
“Well, seeing as you’re tracking everything I’m doing anyways, work it out.”
“Fuck off, I’m locked out next try. You owe me.”
“It’s barely been a day, how are you already pulling this favour?”
“Just tell me the password.”
“Work it out.”
“I’ll tell.”
Shit. “You promised you wouldn’t!” Duke cries out, going to shove Tim. Tim dodges, and scoffs.
“You said you owed me.”
“Ugh, fineee. It’s ‘Password1’, with a capital ‘P’ and no spaces.”
Tim claps, delighted. “Really?” He laughs.
“Look, he’s a really old man.”
“Who’s old?” Dick asks, and wow, they’ve built an audience.
Tim answers for them. “Bruce, obviously. But I think you’re greying Big Wing.”
Dick gasps, scandalised. “I am not.”
Bruce claps his hands just as Stephanie begins to mock him more.
“Alright! Damian, you’re coming back early with Jason. Everyone else, finish whenever you want. Duke, go to sleep.”
Duke flashes him a thumbs up, and waves as everyone begins to leave.
“Come back safe!”
Duke didn’t actually lie to Bruce, okay. He will be going to sleep.
Just as soon as he finishes this last little thing.
He has pictures of Talia in a file. They just need cutting out and tucking into a few different places. He also needs to finish reading through the files before he gets locked out again. He also needs to do his school homework and finish that case he was working on with Stephanie before he had this absolutely brilliant, unrelenting plan-
Compartmentalise, Duke.
The prank is priority. The homework is super dumb and he could do it in the car on the way to school. The case isn’t necessarily important because Steph would be bothering him if it was.
So, he thinks, I can do this.
He puts the pictures of Talia down to focus on scrolling through the files, noting some things Talia favours in his public notes app. He skims through Damian’s file for blackmail material and screenshots the particularly embarrassing moments.
He finishing cutting out the final picture of Talia and yawns.
God, how does everyone else do this constantly? He can feel his back curving like a shrimp’s and decides a walk will fix this.
From across the room, his desk looks… creepy. Decidedly stalkerish. For a single moment, he debates letting the whole prank go.
Then he realises how stupid that would be, and doubles down, picking up one of the cutouts.
Hmmm… That would do very well.
Stephanie is pissed at Duke. He skipped out on case work yesterday, and today. She can understand once, and forgive it because Duke is one of the few tolerable members of the whole family.
But twice? That’s just rude.
She storms up to his room right after his day shift and slams the door open.
“Duke, a message would be appreciated you little dickhead…” She trails off at the sight of the room.
There’s a corkboard on the wall, covered in pictures and red string. His desk is piled with cutouts of Talia Al Ghul, and there’s spreadsheets and-
“Oh shit, I’m so sorry Steph! I was… preoccupied.” Duke apologises from the ground.
“What the fuck.” Stephanie asks.
Duke squints at her. “What?”
“What the fuck.” She repeats, with feeling.
“Are you feeling okay?”
She points at the corkboard with a trembling hand. He shrugs.
“I was bored?”
Stephanie breathes slowly, then turns and walks away.
“Steph? Steph, what’s wrong? Steph!”
The corkboard is a new development, but one he thinks all the bats would appreciate. Damian better appreciate the effort at least.
He’s tried his best to make the links make sense and he thinks he’s been very successful. He is very aware of what his room looks like, and that Steph seeing it has moved his timeline up very quickly. By a full day if she’s freaked out by it enough.
Most likely, he will have to execute the end game in a few hours.
That gives him enough time to put a few more pieces in place. Such as an express delivery of the Talia body pillow, set to arrive by dinner tonight.
(He was going to ask for it to be delivered by Friday but, with enough money, anything can happen. Including a custom order arriving a full three days early.)
He also has enough time to laminate some Talia cutouts and stick them in his pockets, phone and bed.
He debates, momentarily, if his next idea would be going too far. Except, nothing is too far right now, so he sneaks in and tucks Talia’s into some of Bruce’s picture frames.
If this is going to blow up, it has to be a controlled explosion.
As he walks out of Bruce’s study as casually as possible, he hears Stephanie yelling. He nears the door as silently as possible and leans against it.
“-There was a corkboard! He’s lost it guys, I’m telling you.”
“Well,” Is that Barbara? God, Duke is well and truly fucked. “Even if he has lost it, it’s not very obvious what the corkboard is for.”
“And the mini Talia’s?” Steph demands incredulously.
“If it was something to be worried about, Duke would’ve told us, I’m sure.” Cass, his angel for delaying the confrontation just ever so slightly longer, defends his honour.
“Unless he knows he’s insane!”
“You sound like a conspiracy theorist. Just- If anything else occurs, we’ll investigate, okay?” Babs compromises.
“Let Duke come to us.” Cass agrees.
There’s a beat of silence, then everyone starts moving. Duke turns invisible, and narrowly avoids being whacked in the face by the door.
As the girls leave, he plans. He’s just got to hold out until dinner.
He can do that.
Dick is suspicious. Something is going on in the Manor, and he is out of the loop. He and a bunch of other people.
He notices Tim first, eyeing Duke with concern and suspicion. Then, today, Steph has been trailing behind Duke.
The common factor, usually, would be Duke, except Dick hasn’t noticed anything weird about him recently. He’s been holed up in his room slightly more than usual, but nothing’s wrong with that.
So the next common factor is that Tim and Steph are exes and they are doing some sort of competition. What sort of competition? Dick has no clue.
He really doesn’t know what to do, but he hates being out of the loop, so when he notices Duke lounging on the parlour sofa, he decides this is an opportunity.
He walks past Steph in the hallway and settles next to the younger boy. “Hey Duke! What’s up with you?”
Duke glances at him with something in his eyes- confusion? Anger?- and then settles deeper into the cushions.
“Nothing much. If Steph sent you here to spy, tell her she can ask her own questions.” He shouts the last part. Steph does not respond.
“She didn’t send me here to spy. Should she have?”
“No.” Duke continues to scroll on his phone.
“Are those files?”
“None of your business.”
Okay, clearly Dick is getting nowhere by asking questions.
“Look, something is going on and-” The walls explode.
Instinct kicks in, and Dick flips the sofa over. He can hear the thuds of something hitting the base, and Duke landing in a crouch.
He peeks over the top of the sofa and blanches at the sight of Talia and the swathes of assassins that flank her. Duke swears.
Dick squints at him. That was not a ‘shit-I-wasn’t-expecting-assassins-ever’ swear, that was a ‘shit-I-did-not-need-this-today-but-was-aware-this-would-probably-occur’ swear.
“What did you do?” He hisses. Duke swears again, and seemingly decides he would prefer the assassins over Dick, because he vaults over the sofa.
Dick follows quickly, and hears Steph beside him. He pushes the panic button on his ring, but is acutely aware that Damian, Tim, Jason and Bruce are all out right now, and may be being attacked too.
Cass zips into the room, and Bab’s voice tinnily makes it way over to him through her comm.
There’s a beat, where no one moves, then Talia steps forward.
“Signal, correct?”
Duke tenses further. Cass is eyeing the exchange with cautious interest.
“Yeppers! That’s me! Signal, the daytime vigilante.”
“Also the intruder.” The what?
Duke laughs nervously. “Is it really intruding when I was given access?”
Talia narrows her eyes, and flicks her blade out so it rests against Duke’s very unarmoured throat.
“Mother, don’t!” Damian yells from behind them. Dick spies Tim, Bruce and Jason out of the corner of his eye, and prepares to leap at Talia.
“I wasn’t looking for anything bad, I swear!” Duke cries, “Tim probably found some stuff though, but that’s not my fault!”
“And what were you looking for, that had you accessing our private files?”
Private files? Dick is so lost, and he looks at Tim for explanation. Tim shrugs without taking his eyes off Duke and Talia.
Duke tenses further, and turns red. “I- Um. Could I pass the question?”
The blade digs into his collar, and he yelps. “Your favourite food!”
There’s a pregnant pause.
“What?” Talia doesn’t even sound angry, just confused.
“Oh my god, this was not how I wanted it to go. Okay, Talia, I say this with little regret and a full chest. You are a MILF.”
The blade drops to the ground, and everyone, including the assassins, has frozen.
“Like supremely hot-” Duke continues, “-honestly, it sucks that Damian got any of Bruce’s genes ‘cause he could have been so much prettier actually. Dick is a lying liar who called you the ugliest spawn of satan, but goddamn, why hasn’t Ra's crowned you princess? Anyways, I was going through the files to find out your favourite food- you like restaurant gourmet right?- and like other things and-”
“A crush?” Talia interrupts.
“Yep! A huge fat crush. On you. Damian’s mother.”
Duke is losing the thread of the conversation a bit, and is not thinking about what he’s saying beyond ‘I called Talia Al Ghul a MILF to her face, how am I not dead?’
He doesn’t think anyone else has moved since he said that. He really wants to turn around and take a picture of Damian’s expression.
Talia’s expression remains stony for a few moments, and Duke mourns his sad short life.
He really should have wasted more of Bruce’s money.
Then Talia laughs, bright and mirthful. Duke contemplates whether he is having a psychotic break as she steps forward.
“Oh, that is very sweet child. Beloved, where do you find these children?”
Duke figures if he is having a psychotic break, he can turn around. He is greeted with the gloriously befuddled-upset-embarrassed expressions on everyone’s faces, and pulls out his phone to capture them permanently. He then flips it to selfie mode and poses.
He may not actually have a crush on Talia, but she is still iconic.
Bruce and Damian make twin choked sounds as Talia puts an arm around his shoulder and flips up a peace sign. Duke takes another selfie.
“Well, this was quite entertaining! If you wouldn’t mind, I would love to have those.”
“I’ll email them to you.” Duke grins.
She nods gracefully, and turns to the assassins behind her. “We’ll take our leave. Thank you for the time.”
Then she disappears just as fast as she appeared, taking the army with her.
Everyone stares at Duke. Duke stares back.
“This was fun!” He smiles, and then speed walks out of the room.
A beat and everyone is stumbling after him.
“My mother!” Damian cries out, for the 20th time.
Duke shrugs at him. “What can I say, little dude?”
Damian cannot believe the audacity of this heathen. “My mother! Who gave birth to me!”
“If she didn’t, I would be concerned.”
Jason gasps out another laugh at that. Damian resents his laughter because, for the past twenty minutes, he has glanced at Damian or Duke everytime he comes close to being an ordinary reasonable person and breaks down into laughter again.
Dick is still seemingly frozen from the whole affair, staring at the position his mother was standing in mere minutes ago. He seems stuck between his hatred for Damian’s mother, and his horror at Duke.
Stephanie has been vindictively yelling at Barbara and Cass about Duke's ‘insanity’ and how ‘she was right’. To their credit, Barbara and Cass are very easily listening or pretending to do so.
Timothy is much more composed than Jason, and is gently comforting Father while occasionally falling to a fit of laughter.
“I do not understand-”
“Look, Dami.” Duke kneels in front of him, and Damian feels a flash of horror through his spine, “Your mother is very hot.”
“Oh my god-” Timothy gasps, “Duke you're going to kill me.”
“It's no different to Dick’s crush on Superman, or Jason's hard on for Wonder Woman.” Duke continues smoothly.
“I do not have a crush-”
“A fucking hard on?!”
Father makes a choked sound that conveys the pain Damian is feeling in his very soul.
“I will kill you Thomas.” Damian hisses, “And they will not find your body for months.”
Duke visibly brightens and says, “Leave a piece of me with your mom please!”
Stephanie screeches as Barbara and Cass fall onto each other in laughter.
Damian feels a wave of peaceful anger rush over him and pulls out the katana on his side.
Somehow, Duke isn't dead by the time dinner is prepared.
This means everyone is there when Alfred hands him his parcel.
There are two ways Duke could go about this. He could tell everyone he doesn't actually have a crush on Talia, he just wanted to annoy Damian and Jason gave him the idea. Or he could double down and open the Talia body pillow shamelessly in front of her ex and son.
He channels his inner Discowing as he rips the parcel open.
“It's huge!” He cheers.
“Duke, please.” Bruce says with such sorrow and despair, he almost gives in.
However, Duke's far too deep into this now, so he sends a questioning look over the table and very carefully ignores everyone else's looks of second-hand embarrassment or incredulous joy.
The door bell rings again and Alfred re-enters the dining room with a trolley of parcels.
Duke's smile is blindingly bright as he says, “I got one of everyone's favourite hero so no one would feel left out!”
This time, Damian doesn't warn before he leaps across the table with a knife in his hand.