Chapter Text
Fox Tower looked exactly the same as Seth remembered it; that bright white eyesore reflecting the afternoon sun like a beacon over the hills as Matt's truck trundled down Perimeter Road. There was some indie rock song Seth had never heard playing softly over the tinny car speakers, because he'd just shrugged when Matt had asked what he wanted to listen to, and they'd settled on one of the millions of CDs that were loose in the glove compartment. As yet another singer with a high voice whined about a breakup over a badly-mixed guitar solo, Seth was beginning to think that maybe he should have had an opinion after all.
Matt killed the engine before he could form one, and they sat in silence in the parking lot for a couple minutes.
"You wanna go inside?" Matt asked. He sounded tentative, same as he had back at the hospital when he'd seen Seth in that bed for the first time. Lots of 'um's and 'if you're sure's and 'how are you feeling's. Matt was evidently walking on eggshells around him, second guessing his every word, and Seth promptly decided he hated it. He'd feel a hell of a lot better if Matt and Coach and Abby would all just act normal. It really wasn't that much to ask.
Seth got out of the truck in lieu of an answer, and heard Matt's footsteps follow behind him. His student ID was expired, probably because he'd been effectively dead for all of nine months, so Matt had to open the door for him and led the way to the elevators. Nothing about the building was different, except for the way Seth fit inside it. Or rather, didn't fit. He couldn't count how many times he'd walked this exact route, and yet, Matt settled into his stride better than Seth did. The nurses had said it would take him a while to readjust to being back, but that familiar environments and people would help.
So far, they weren't helping.
The elevator ride was decently fast, which meant Seth didn't have time to lose his mind en route. Matt thankfully didn't try and talk again, just headed toward the door at the end of the hall and waited up for Seth when he reached it.
"Should have plenty of time to move back in," he said with what looked like an attempted smile.
"Team meeting got pushed to three o' clock because Allison and Renee's flight got delayed, so you should be fine for another couple of hours."
Seth didn't even have time to process Allison's name amongst any of the other information; Matt was pushing the door open, so Seth followed him into the room. It looked just about the same, all of Matt's furniture and illegal wall decor was still in place, along with the couch, beanbags, TV, kitchen. For a fleeting moment, it had only been a summer since Seth had walked into this room last. It had still been home.
The illusion was shattered when he looked around for more than a second.
One of the Minyard twins was on the couch, hoodie sleeves pushed up to his elbows and an game controller in hand, fingers moving deftly over the buttons as the screen responded with sounds of gunfire and screeching monsters. The blond gave Seth only a passing glance.
"Wow, walking already. You must be so proud," he said, entirely deadpan, his attention already back on the screen.
"Aaron," Matt said sternly, helpfully confirming who the hell was on Seth's couch.
"The fuck are you doing here?" Seth asked, but he did stumble a little and hoped Matt didn't notice him catch himself on the kitchen counter.
"I live here," Aaron replied, entirely unaffected by the whole scenario. He won his level and dropped the controller in his lap, cracking his knuckles as the game flashed a victory screen.
Seth turned to stare at Matt, who was shrugging with an apologetic look in his eyes.
"Him and Neil switched rooms at the end of last year. We didn't..." he trailed off, probably for the best, but Seth was smart enough to finish it for him.
"Didn't think I was gonna live to see it. Sure. Whatever."
Matt, to his credit, didn't argue when Seth just stormed off to drop his backpack on his bed, which was blissfully the same one he'd claimed last year, given that Aaron had evidently taken Neil's bunk, above Matt. Seth was, at least, permitted to keep one sense of normalcy.
He dropped himself onto the bare mattress, not wanting to think about the fact he was going to need to buy sheets and all the other bullshit that came from moving back to college, now for the sixth time. Instead, he lay flat on his back and stared up at the popcorn ceiling, seeing if he still remembered all the patterns. The longer he looked, the more the world seemed to spin in his vision, and he covered his eyes with his hands before he threw up.
Darkness didn't help, so Seth dragged himself back upright and started to pace the room. Restless. That was the word. He was fucking restless, because he'd just been lying down for nine months and now Seth could barely stomach the idea of staying still. He'd only just arrived back at the dorms, but he already needed to get out. He dug into his backpack for his grey hoodie, one Matt had brought the first time he'd visited Seth in the hospital, and the only reason Seth had let him come back. He pulled it on, tugged the hood over his head and grabbed his keys as he headed back out into the main room.
Matt was standing with his back against the fridge, arms folded as he talked quietly to Aaron; who'd muted the game on the TV to sit crosslegged on the couch, head propped on one hand. They both looked at Seth and silenced immediately when the bedroom door opened, but Seth didn't spare either of them a passing glance. He caught fragments of conversation starting up again as he headed for the door. Aaron's mutter of "Charming as ever," and Matt's quick "Don't act like you were any better," in response. Seth didn't care enough to hear anymore, and the dorm room door swung shut behind him.
The corridor was empty, as was the stairwell that Seth opted for rather than trapping himself in the elevator again. He suddenly wished he'd hung around in his dorm room long enough to find his headphones and Walkman, but he decided the only thing worse than making the walk in silence would be going back into that room, so he just tapped out a soft rhythm on the wall of the stairwell as he descended, and his thoughts were left uninterrupted.
It almost surprised him that his usual route was the same. Everything else had changed, except for the footpath that looped around the Fox Tower parking lot, crossed Perimeter Road, and headed downtown. But Seth's muscle memory seemed to remember it better than his mind did, and before long he'd reached the high street, already autopiloting to the convenience store on the corner.
The bell rang above his head as he entered, and Gladys, the ancient woman at the till adjusted her glasses to inspect him, but Seth was already heading for the aisles, and she seemed to guess he didn't need any help. She went back to her crossword as Seth scored himself a Coke and a pack of smokes. He was sure he'd had some in his pocket that night at Bacchus, but refrained from asking the doctor where his cigarettes went. He took his prizes to Gladys, shoving away the dawning realisation that she didn't recognise him, and told her to keep the change a little harsher than he maybe meant to. Once he'd made it outside, he kicked himself in the ankle and knocked his forehead lightly against the wall of the store.
Get a fucking grip, Seth.
It was a cruel joke from the world that the voice in his head sounded like Allison.
He wasn't sure how long he stood there, but he was forced back to the world by a sudden blare of a car horn, and an angry yell from the road. Seth looked up to see a young man, probably about his age, slap the hood of a car he'd seemingly just walked in front of and shout "Maybe if you used your fucking turn signal, asshole!"
The car sounded its horn again, and the guy kept walking, flipping the driver off as he went. Seth cracked his can of Coke and smiled a little to himself. Some things didn't change after all.
The clock tower of the university was just visible over the tree line, and it was starting to tick dangerously close to three o' clock, when Wymack wanted all the Foxes at the stadium for their summer team meeting. Seth wasn't looking forward to it, but he already knew the rules. The ERC had been generous giving him an extended sixth year on his contract, something he'd only scored through a tiny loophole in the wording, and Wymack had been honest about what it'd taken to even get that.
"You're gonna play clean this year," Wymack had told him, not a question but a statement. The coach hadn't even looked out of place in the clean white walls of the hospital. He stood with all the strength and surety he'd always had. You might never guess he'd lost every single player on his original team. All but one.
"The ERC is gonna be looking for an excuse to take you off, claim you're too volatile to keep on our line. We're not exactly in their good books after last year. So any shit you have with any of the others gets settled off the court, and away from the cameras. Promise me that."
Seth's word hadn't been good enough to convince his coach– Wymack had taken him off starting line until he proved himself. Kevin and Neil were keeping their positions, and Seth would be a sub, alongside one of the freshmen. He'd tried to forget about the fact until today.
Wymack would have his head if he wasn't at the meeting, or worse, late, so Seth saved his smoke break for later, and started off back the way he came, this time turning away from the main campus toward the stadium.
The Foxhole Court still stuck out like the sore thumb it was, painfully brilliant white against the blue afternoon sky, and there were already a couple cars in the parking lot. A sleek black Maserati roared past Seth and swerved into the lot as he approached, stopping firmly in place across at least three parking spaces. Seth could guess the driver before Andrew got out, followed by Neil, Kevin, Nicky, and distinctly not Aaron. Seth filed that snippet of information away in the back of his mind, and watched from a short distance away as the monsters headed for the stadium. Neil and Kevin were talking animatedly about something, Nicky was falling into step beside them, and Andrew brought up the rear, locking the car with a flick of his wrist before replacing the keys in his pocket.
None of them looked anything like the pictures Seth had seen from the court house just a few weeks ago.
Matt's truck was already parked by the main gate, but the rest of the upperclassmen were nowhere in sight. Seth waited for the monsters to go inside before he started to follow, crushing his now-empty can under his shoe and tossing it in one of the bins by the fence.
Laughter and the sound of ambient chatter was already bleeding from the lounge into the foyer as Seth made it into the stadium, plugging in the door code Wymack had texted to him that morning. Through the open door, he could see Matt on the couch, Dan halfway lying in his arms as she talked to Neil. The monsters had claimed an entire couch themselves, Neil, Andrew and Kevin all side by side while Nicky and Aaron took armchairs. The freshmen had all gathered by one wall, and were all huddled together like terrified kids on the first day of kindergarten. There were no free armchairs when Seth entered the room, so he stuck to leaning against the wall by the door. Conversation dwindled noticeably when he walked in, but Dan sent him a brave smile, and Matt waved. Aaron and Neil both looked at him, acknowledging his presence, and the rest of the Foxes staunchly ignored him.
Allison swanned into the room not far behind, Renee following, and there were pleasantries and small talk shared between the reuniting Fox women as Seth began to wonder if he could lean hard enough against the wall to make it swallow him whole.
He didn't get a chance to find out, because soon after, Wymack emerged from his office and slapped a pile of papers on the doorframe to shut them all up.
"Alright, maggots. Let's get this started off."
It was such a Wymack way to enter the room that if he'd been high, Seth probably would've laughed at the Wymackness of it. But he was painfully sober, and he couldn't force himself to listen or care to the timid introductions from the freshmen. He was so out of his own head that he didn't even notice Abby walk up beside him, not until she touched his shoulder lightly and said "It's good to see you, Seth."
She'd seen him in the hospital, but that wasn't the point. As Abby's smile faded and she turned her attention back to Wymack, Seth realised too late that he'd missed the opportunity to say something back, and now he just looked like an asshole.
For what was probably the millionth time today, he thought to himself, Get a fucking grip.
Wymack went on, explaining the practice schedule for this year, expectations for freshmen, the usual shit. Dan had a couple things to say too, including introducing Neil Josten as her vice captain this year. Neil didn't seem as jumpy as he had been last time Seth had seen him in one of these team meetings– in fact, he didn't look anything like he did last time. Seth was fairly sure his hair had been darker, and his eyes couldn't have been that blue; but the biggest difference was what looked like an ugly burn scar spreading across the skin below his left eye. Seth knew enough about burns to know it was impressive that Neil could still see out of that side.
He'd been looking for too long, because Seth suddenly noticed the death glare he was receiving from the more volatile of the Minyard twins. Seth had gotten enough general information from Matt to know that Andrew was unmedicated now, the drugged mania now gone from his eyes, but there was definitely a clear danger in his gaze that had always been there. Seth pointedly looked away from Neil, and felt Andrew's gaze drop away a few seconds later. Nobody else in the room seemed to have noticed.
"Alright, I'm up," Abby said, stepping a little further into the room once Dan was done.
"Good to see you all again. As always, I've got papers for you all to sign, and we'll get through your physical exams today before you start practices tomorrow. Freshmen, you'll go first, but nobody else leaves until I see you. You know the drill."
"What's the physical?" one of the freshmen piped up, trying and failing to sound sure of himself. Abby smiled warmly and directed her answer to the three of them.
"Just a check over. Height, weight, all that stuff. There's a bit of blood work too. As your team nurse, I need basic medical records for everybody before I can clear you to play. I can explain more when you come in, if you'd like."
She'd neglected to mention the track marks check, and the substances quiz, but maybe she saved that for the Foxes resident liabilities.
Abby's announcement effectively ended the meeting. The freshmen all went first for their physicals, leaving Seth and the other Foxes alone in the lounge. Idle chatter resumed, though it was mostly spurred on by Dan, Matt, Neil, and Nicky, the latter of whom was still resolved to ignoring Seth's presence. Even Kevin had at least looked his way when the freshmen all left and Seth stole the vacated couch. None of the Foxes directed any questions or even passing statements his way, and he was fine with ignoring them. Abby came back in, presumably after the freshmen were gone, and looked around at them all, a soft smile spreading across her face.
"It really is good to see you all together again."
She didn't say it to Seth, but it didn't matter. Dan, Matt, Renee, and Nicky all gave warm sentiments in return, Neil and Kevin offered nods and near-smiles, Allison said "Damn right," Andrew barely reacted, while Aaron looked like he was stifling an eye roll. Seth broke the atmosphere of warm fuzziness sharply by standing up, and heading toward Abby's office on autopilot, already pushing the sleeves of his hoodie up. He dropped down into the orange armchair in her room before she'd even reached the door, his leg already starting to bounce up and down as if his impatience wasn't evident enough.
It wasn't like he had anything to do, or anywhere to be. There was just a distinct feeling of suffocation inside the stadium today, and Seth wanted out of it. Abby shut the door quietly behind her when she followed him into the room, but didn't say a word until she was sat down at her desk.
"I'm glad you could join us today, Seth. David's already told you about your contract extension, yes?"
Seth nodded, and Abby seemed to figure out that she wasn't going to get much more of a reply from him and continued.
"Well, you know the drill. Scales and the chart first."
Seth obediently stood on the scales until Abby had noted down his weight, did the same with the height chart on the wall. It was the same routine he'd done six times over by now, knew it well enough that he didn't register much more than a prick when Abby's needle drained two vials of blood from his arm. She taped a cotton ball over the entry wound and locked the vials away, before ticking off another box on her clipboard.
"Last step," she said, and without response, Seth reached over his head and pulled his hoodie and shirt off.
It was nothing Abby hadn't seen before, but Seth still caught that flicker in her eyes. Why she'd agreed to work for a halfway house team like the Foxes if she couldn't stomach the sight of a few scars, Seth would never understand. He had his share, but it was far from the worst on the team. Fading but still prominent track marks on his arms, an array of thin white lines leading down on his hips, two slightly thicker vertical ones on his forearms. One on his collarbone from when he fell off his bike aged seven. One at the point where his skull met his neck, from where his brother slammed his head against a doorjamb, aged thirteen. Betsy had asked him about them once. He'd spent a whole session telling her all the stories, likely because he'd taken a couple too many pills that morning and couldn't shut himself up.
Abby didn't know the stories, but she knew the pattern. Nothing new.
She looked away and ticked off the last box on her clipboard.
"All done."
Seth pulled his hoodie back on, bundling his shirt into the front pocket so he didn't have to deal with it.
"Seth–" Abby started as he stood up to leave, but when he looked at her, she seemed to change her mind, switching sentences halfway through.
"Has the hospital renewed your prescription yet?"
No, but they were supposed to. The only thing Seth was supposed to be on the night he died was his antidepressants, and presumably the campus people who stripped his room had also thrown out his pills. But Seth hadn't woken up any less depressed, so they needed to give him his meds back.
"Not yet," he answered. Abby made a note of that.
"If they don't get back to you by the end of the week, let me know and I should be able to call them for you."
Seth nodded and strode back out into the main room, not looking at any of his remaining teammates as he made for the door. He still had a fresh pack of cigarettes in his pocket, and he could bum a light off of anyone. Nobody stopped him or made any attempt to follow, so Seth was free to emerge back out into daylight. It'd felt like he'd been stuck in there for hours, but the sun was barely beginning to sink back down, so Seth started off down the road toward campus.
It was still summer, so only the athletes had moved back into Fox Tower for early practices so far. It left the rest of the campus eerily quiet, but there was something strangely relaxing about it. The cobbled pathways weaving among flower gardens and patches of green grass were actually nice when they weren't swamped by college students. Seth dragged his thumbnail across the perforated seam of the cigarette packet in his pocket, and suddenly remembered his distinct lack of a lighter. Foiled, he kept walking.
He tried to remember the first time he'd been here. Freshly eighteen, and searching for a way out of Birmingham with nothing to lose. Wymack had signed him because Wymack believed in lost causes. Wymack believed in him, which made Seth a lost cause. His new coach had picked him up from the bus station that first day, and said a lot of nice stuff about second chances. Seth hadn't really been listening. He'd never left Alabama before.
Seth had been the first of the team to arrive, and after Wymack had dropped him off at the newly-refurbished Fox Tower, he'd spent his first day investigating his new surroundings. Like a dog finally set free from a cage, he'd spent at least two days exploring the campus, building up a map in his head. It nearly surprised him to realise how much of it he could call back to muscle memory, and almost wondered if he could walk himself across the whole campus with his eyes shut.
Back then, all of Seth's possessions had fit inside his old school bag, and while he'd unpacked as much as he could into his new room, the space had still felt too far big around him. Skin he couldn't grow into. Seth had thought for the first time about running, that day, but he'd dragged himself to the Foxhole Court to meet his teammates instead. After, Wymack had handed him the team's card to expense the cost of shit like new sheets, schoolbooks. No questions asked. Wymack hadn't made a sliver of sense from the day Seth had met him, and he never seemed ready to start.
Even at the beginning, the Foxes had been the same fractured mess they were now– worse, then, because there'd been no hierarchy holding them in place. The first practice left all of them looking a lot more like they'd survived a prison brawl rather than a team sport. That was what happened when you threw a load of teenage junkies, young offenders, drop outs and lost causes, into a plexiglass box and let them go. Untrained dogs would always fight what they didn't recognise.
The sun was beginning to think about grazing the horizon over the hill, and Seth dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, blinking a couple times when he resurfaced. It all still looked the same.
Some of his hair fell in his eyes. That was the other thing he'd had to get used to– it'd all grown out while he'd been asleep, and while somebody had cut it for him while he was on bedrest, they'd still left it longer than Seth had had it in years. It didn't fit him. He'd been avoiding mirrors since he left the hospital.
Seth couldn't think of anything he wanted to do less than keep wandering around aimlessly with only his thoughts for company. He didn't much feel like going back to Fox Tower with only his teammates for company, either; but one of those options at least had a destination involved, so Seth turned away from the setting sun and headed back down Perimeter Road. Maybe Aaron or Matt had left a lighter lying around somewhere, and he could at least get his smoke break.
The parking lot was blissfully still empty when Seth finally wound up back at the dorms, and it felt like a weight off his chest when he realised the rest of his team were all still at the stadium. Maybe if he fell asleep early, he'd avoid conversations for the rest of the day.
Seth had to catch hold of the door behind somebody else coming out in order to slip inside, and vaguely wondered when somebody was going to give him a working ID card. He made for the stairs, unwilling to risk trapping himself in an elevator with a fellow athlete he didn't know or care about. He was mildly thankful for his height, and subsequent ability to take the stairs two at a time, and he reached his floor in a few minutes. The hallway yielded no sign of any other Foxes, and stayed that way right up until Seth let himself into his room; where he was met once again by a Minyard.
Aaron was sitting on top of one of the desks in the main room, feet on a chair and stacks of paper and folders scattered all around him. Aaron didn't so much as look up from the books in his hands, but acknowledged Seth's presence by simply saying "Matt said to tell you he'll be back late. Out with Dan."
Seth didn't know what he was meant to say to that, so he opted for the minimal effort and headed down the hallway to the bedroom.
An idea struck as he walked, and he suddenly detoured into the bathroom, ducking down to open the cupboard underneath the sink. The small space was mostly empty, but just at the back, nestled behind the pipes, was a familiar black bag Seth recognised. It must've gotten left behind when Resident Services erased him from this room, but he was here now, and there it was. Seth withdrew the bag, brushing off a thin layer of dust that covered the canvas, and unzipped it to reveal his prize. The black cord wrapped around the electric razor began to unfurl as he shook it free, and with a distinct sense of déjà vú, Seth plugged it into the socket by the mirror.
Loud buzzing filled the room as he flicked the razor on, and the vibration of it against his hand was the most certainty Seth had felt about anything since waking up. He raised the blades to his scalp and started to draw over the same methodical pattern he always had, as shreds of dark hair fell from his head into the sink.
Piece by piece, he started to recognise the man in the mirror again. A hand over his now close-cut head freed the last straggling bits of hair, and Seth shook his head a few times for good measure. He turned his head to the side, then the other, checking the line of it in the reflection. Smooth, soft. The way he'd gotten used to it. He'd done this so many times Seth was sure he could repeat the task blindfolded. He flicked off the razor, set it on the edge of the sink.
He needed to shower. A couple pieces of hair had crept inside his shirt and were starting to itch, but Seth kept both hands on either side of the sink a second longer and stared at himself in the mirror. He looked a little more alive now than he had at the hospital, at least. The doctors had said it would take a while for him to regain his old strength, stamina. Those first few weeks, Seth had spent in and out of sleep, unable to stay awake longer than a few hours at a time. He'd only recently started managing whole days.
A miracle, one of the nurses had whispered when she'd thought he was asleep. A marvel of modern medicine. A gift. A blessing.
More like a bad fucking joke, Seth had thought.
Seth broke his own gaze and tugged his hoodie over his head, discarding the rest of his clothes as he stepped into the shower. Cold water broke over his head, shocking him back into his senses. It felt like waking up all over again. He scrubbed his skin raw, the black lines of his tattoos stark against red. He turned the water off once he could feel all of himself again, dried, and changed back.
His momentum broke when he stepped out of the bathroom and almost directly into Aaron.
The blond was unfazed, by the collision, and just stared up across the foot-and-some distance between them with barely a sliver of interest in his expression.
"Cut your hair," he observed.
"Yeah," Seth said.
Aaron shrugged. "You look less like an invalid now."
With that, he continued on his way back to the main room, disappearing out of sight. Seth stayed in the hallway a second longer, staring at the wall, wondering how the whole world could change entirely and somehow stay the same. His thoughts were starting to escape him again, so he retreated to the bedroom. Focused on changing his clothes. Remembered he still didn't have any sheets on his bed, but figured he'd live with it.
He found where he'd abandoned his backpack before, pulled out the few items inside it and sorted them into the drawers under his bed. None of them filled, so Seth dug them all back out again, and shoved them all in one drawer. It closed easily.
Resident Services had, for some reason, kept hold of the pieces of schoolwork he'd had at the start of last year, left them in a box by his bed. He unpacked those too, but didn't feel like venturing back into the main room where Aaron was, so the pathetic little stack would have to migrate to his desk later. For now, it disappeared into another drawer. And he was unpacked.
It was depressing, how much there was left of him. Or how little, really.
Seth didn't know how long he stayed in that room before he noticed the creeping night through the window. Aaron had been right– Matt hadn't come back, although Seth had heard voices in the hall a while ago, probably him and Dan. Matt was probably in the girls' room, catching up with Allison and Renee. They had a tradition, every year on the first day back. Drinks and games. "Calm before the storm," Dan had called it once. Seth's name for it had been a bit more crass, but he couldn't remember it now.
It couldn't have been later than eight by the time he settled all the way back into his skin, but exhaustion was starting to catch up with him again. Seth checked that he wasn't wearing jeans– clear– and stood, all the way to cross the room and kill the lights, before back to his bare mattress to collapse.
It wasn't any easier to breathe in the dark than it had been before, but tonight, Seth was too tired to care.