Chapter Text
How Robert got talked into doing this event was still a mystery to him. It was after a particularly rough job that Sweetalker had approached him. Robert didn’t stick around to talk normally but he had just wanted to sit and catch his breath which the the charismatic hero took to his advantage. Before Robert knew what was happening Sweetalker was shaking his hand thanking him for signing up to be a bachelor for an upcoming date auction SDN was hosting.
Fast forward and here he was standing backstage in a borrowed suit with a bunch of other heroes, half of which he didn’t recognize. Robert had spotted Blonde Blazer and Phenomaman at some point but he had lost the two in the crowd rather quickly.
“I’m glad you made it.” Sweetalker said walking up to Robert. “The suit is a little big but I don’t think anyone will notice.”
“It’s fine.” Robert said, subconsciously adjusting the suit just a little. It wasn’t so big that it felt like a child playing dress up in his fathers clothes but it was definitely loose. He could deal with loose what he hated were the lifts they had put in his shoes. Dress shoes to begin with were uncomfortable, adding lifts should be considered a form of torture as far as Robert was concerned. The only reason Robert hadn’t turned around and left the moment he was handed this stupid monkey suit was because this was a charity event for the children’s hospital. Had this been a “Let’s pat ourselves on the backs and suck our own dicks” event he would have left so fast all that would have been left was an after image of him.
“Nervous?” Sweetalker asked as he watched Robert fidget with his tie once more.
No. No, he was not nervous he just didn’t like wasting time. He doubted anyone would really want to bid on him anyway. Instead of saying that he just shrugged and said “Kind of.”
“Relax. You and the others will only be on stage for a few minutes at most. You don’t even have to talk, just smile, wave, and clap when appropriate. Then you can enjoy the rest of the evening.” Sweetalker said patting him on the back.
“What about after? If someone bids to “date” me?” Robert asked. He somewhat understood the general premise of the auction but he was unsure of the details.
“Don’t worry. You will just need to show up and have a good time. SDN will handle arrangements and contacting the winner so no personal information is exchanged.” Sweetalker explained.
“Two minutes!” An assistant called. As everyone was hustled about into an orderly line Sweetalker gave him one last pat on the back before heading off to host.
With each hero announced Robert got closer and closer to the curtains. He took a deep breath to steady himself. He could hear clapping and some cheering coming from the audience as Sweetalker hyped up each hero for auction.
“And now for a fresh face to our annual hero bachelor auction, the one, the only Mecha Man!” Sweetalker exclaimed. Robert put on a fake smile and stepped out onto the brightly lit stage. The cheering from the crowd was louder than he had expected. Nothing like the uproar for Blonde Blazer but still more than a lot of the other heroes that had come before him. Robert smiled and waved even though with the bright lights in his face he could not make out any one in particular in the crowd. He crossed the stage to take his spot by Brickhouse. Standing next to her made him more angry with the lifts in his shoes. What was the point of the stupid things if they were just going to have him standing next to someone so tall?
As other heroes were announced and brought to the stage Robert clapped when appropriate keeping his smile plastered on his face. God he couldn’t wait to hit the buffet after this. The only other reason to stick around for this party. He checked out a little soon enough, the world melting away was Robert let his mind drift to work he needed to do on the suit.
“Those are all the bachelors and bachelorettes available for tonight charity auction. Bets can be placed up until midnight. Remember we are taking bets both live and online. Good luck to everyone.” Sweetalker said cheerfully. “How about one more hand to our lovely bachelors and bachelorettes for the evening?”
The crowd clapped loudly, Robert even heard some hootin’ and hollering from a few. He clapped along once he realized that the other heroes were clapping as well. He followed them off stage, quickly finding a place from him to sit for a moment to remove those damn lifts from his shoes.
“See that wasn’t so bad.” Sweetalker said coming backstage. Robert only hummed with some agreement. His feet were certainly feeling better. “The crowd was sure excited for you. I knew you would be a hit. Thank you for doing this.”
“Sure. No worries.” Robert said waving him off. Sweetalker spotted someone else to talk to, giving Robert a quick goodbye before he was off.
Free to his own deceives Robert made his way to the buffet. He loaded up his plate with more food than he had had all week. He knew he needed to be careful to not make himself sick by over eating but he knew he wouldn’t be able to afford to eat like this again anytime soon. He spent the rest of the night snacking and making small talk to a few other heroes. Some wanted his autograph and others wanted to trade work stories. Robert tried to be as pleasant as possible but he could tell he threw some people off with his monotone way of speaking.
By the time the party had wrapped up Robert was stuffed like thanksgiving bird and ready to sleep for the next day and a half. When he got home his old mattress felt like a bed made for kings when he finally laid down for the night. Beef had curled up next to him after scarfing down a few scraps Robert had brought home for him.
When he didn’t hear from Sweetalker the first week after the auction Robert figured that no one had bet on him. Which was fine. He had more important things to do than go on some fancy paid date. He fully put the auction out of his mind by the end of the second week. However, when the third week rolled around Sweetalker tracked him down once again.
“Hey, Mecha Man!” Sweetalker called as he approached Robert. “Good seeing you. I’ve been meaning to get in contact with you.”
“Hey Sweetalker. What can I do for you?” Robert asked from within his suit.
“Good news we finally worked out your date from the auction. Sorry that took so long. We had a couple high bidders and one of them was a sore loser. Called into question the whole thing. Long story short we got everything sorted out now.” Sweetalker explained.
“Oh, okay. Good to hear.” Robert said slowly. He was shocked that he had some kind of bidding war over him. “So what now?”
“If you have a moment I can give you all the details.” Sweetalker said. “I’ll even treat you to lunch while we talk.”
That sounded fantastic to Robert. One quick lunch later and Robert was set. He officially had a date. Sweetalker arranged for him to meet his date outside of the SDN office the following Saturday, eight am sharp, with the suit and dressed in his normal hero outfit. Sweetalker had also given him a visa gift card that was part of the date package. He assured Robert had enough money for them to have a nice meal at pretty much any expensive restaurant they picked.
Robert made sure to not stay out as late as he normally would the night before, which just meant he got back to his apartment by one in the morning. He got a good five hours of sleep and made sure that he cleaned himself up properly.
“How do I look Beef?” Robert asked, turning this way and that to give Beef a little show. “Good right?”
Beef barked at him, wagging his body in excitement. Clearly thinking he was going to get a treat. Which Robert of course gave him.
“Be good while I’m gone.” Robert said giving Beef a scratch behind the ears before heading out.
Robert got there a little early which he had done on purpose. He didn’t want to leave whoever this was waiting, they had spent to much money for him to do that. Sweetalker hadn’t given him an exact amount and Robert hadn’t asked. He did know that this year had been the most successful one for SDN so far with the auction. Robert had been really happy to hear that.
He leaned against the leg of the mech suit, scrolling through his phone while he waited for his date to arrive.
“Hey Mecha Dick.” A man called. Robert looked up to see a tall man dressed in a orange button down and a pair of tight black pants approaching him. He had his long black hair pulled back in a ponytail and a pair of orange pit vipers were set on top of his head. His amber eyes narrowed as he got closer to Robert, a barely contained rage burning within them.
“Can I help you?” Robert asked, standing a little straighter.
“Yeah bitch, I’m your date.” The man said. He pulled a ticket out of his pocket that Sweetalker had told Robert his date would have. He held it out for Robert to take between two fingers. Robert snatched it from him to make sure it was legit. Sure enough it had the SDN logo on it along with Sweetalker’s signature.
“You’re shorter than I expected.” The man sneered.
“You don’t seem exactly thrill to be meeting me.” Robert pointed out.
“Yeah no shit. Figure that out on your own?” The man mocked. Robert just stared at him blankly. “Do you seriously not recognize me?”
“Should I?” Robert asked giving the man another up down. He seemed vaguely familiar but nothing Robert could place right away.
“I guess I am dressed as a civie.” The man mumbled. He held up his hand, showing off two missing fingers before his hand lit ablaze. “I am Flambae. I control the fire and the flame.”
“Oh! You are that shitty villain I busted up a while back!” Robert said as sudden realization dawned on him. “Don’t tell me you spent all this money for a crack at revenge or some other lame shit.”
“No bitch. I’m not a villain anymore. I’m an actual hero.” Flambae snapped. “The only reason I am here is because I love my niece more than I hate your scrawny ass.”
“Ok I’m lost.” Robert admitted.
“My niece’s birthday party is today and for some unfathomable reason you are her favorite hero. So what you are going to do is get into your tin can and fly with me to her birthday party.” Flambae said sternly. “Just smile, act the part of hero, and we don’t ever have to interact again. Maybe I won’t punch you after.”
“You sure know how to sweet talk a guy.” Robert snorted. Flambae’s jaw clenched, his hands balling into fist at his side, but he refrained from punching Robert’s lights out. “What’s the birthday girls name?”
“Farrah. She’s turning ten.” Flambae said after letting out a long sigh.
“Ok. Anything else I need to know?” Robert asked.
“You’re agreeing to this?” Flambae asked sounding a little surprised.
“Sure you paid for it. I don’t really care what you decided to do with our time.” Robert shrugged.
“Good. One more thing if she asks we work together.” Flambae said. Robert couldn’t stop the short laugh that escaped his mouth. “Shut up bitch. I work with SDN, us working together isn’t far fetched. She doesn’t need to know I had to pay you to come.”
“Fair enough.” Robert said holding up his hands in defeat. “I’d hate to ruin a little girls birthday.”
“Yeah, great. Come on we need to hurry up. My sister will never let me live it down if we are late.” Flambae said waving his hand towards the mech suit.
“I just have one more question.” Robert said. Flambae stared at him pointedly. “Do I get cake?”
“Get in the fucking suit.” Flambae growled.