Work Text:
P'Milk is a better kisser.
Once the thought has entered Love's head, it won't leave her alone.
Milk is only the fourth person Love's properly kissed. There was this classmate in middle school, and a girl at a party that one time, but the main person Love has kissed — kisses, of course, in present sense — is her boyfriend. Naturally. Since high school until now. The first time Milk kissed Love, she must have already kissed her boyfriend at least ten thousand times, seriously.
It was very, very strange to kiss someone else other than her boyfriend, even for work. Of course, the situation is completely different. After all, this is work — planned and choreographed. She's not even herself; neither is Milk. They're their characters. Naturally.
But that's not the only thing that's different. And this is the horrible part of it.
Even though it's work, well… kissing Milk feels better. Frankly, that may be more to it than Milk's technique as such, although Love has no complaints there, either.
Milk's lips are soft and cushiony as they press against Love's. Often, they carry a slight stickiness from her lipstick.
And Milk smells so good. There's the scent of her skincare products, and of her perfume, but under that, there's Milk's own scent: sweet, warm, and mouth-watering. Fitting to her name, Milk's scent reminds Love of the Hokkaido milk bread the two of them bought and shared in Japan. A stark contrast against the sharp and salty scent of Love's boyfriend, the one Love found so fascinating when the two first met in their teens.
But perhaps more than anything else, it's Milk's rhythm. It's what she does. The movements, the pressure, how she stays on and lifts from Love's lips, the tiny hint of tongue that Love can sometimes feel, despite their directions to keep it somewhat decent, even when they're supposed to be passionate. Sometimes, those kisses make Love dizzy, almost making her forget the camera.
More troubling, Love remembers the kisses afterwards.
She remembers them when she does the dishes. It makes her pause, blush, take a deep breath before she can continue.
She remembers them when she's talking to Milk later, about something completely different, and she gets caught up in Milk's smiling eyes, the tiny mole just above her upper lip, the dewiness of her cheeks, until Milk asks, "Is something wrong?" and Love has to say no, not at all, what were you saying?
She remembers them when she's alone in her bed, staying too long under the covers after waking up. Still half-dreaming, the memories make her stay even longer.
And she remembers them sometimes when she really shouldn't. When she kisses her boyfriend, she thinks, sometimes, about Milk.
But Love gets to kiss her boyfriend openly, endlessly, deeply, as much as she wants, while Love only ever kisses Milk until —
"Cut!"
They draw apart. For just a second, Milk's gaze lingers in Love's, some smolder in it still. But then Milk's attention shifts away as she looks to the director for his approval of the scene.
"OK!" He makes a thumbs-up motion. "Well done. Let's take a ten minute break!"
Milk squeezes Love's hand quickly, and then lets go of it again.
"You want something to eat?" she asks Love as they start walking together towards the resting area.
Yes, Love thinks, Hokkaido milk bread.
She gets a salad.
"It's so weird to kiss in front of cameras," says Namtan.
Filming day, and they've been working all morning. Not on kissing, but on arguing; lunch came as a welcome break from the tears and anger. After it, though, Namtan and Film will have a scene where their fight will end in them making out. Hence the topic.
"You have to think about what it looks like," Namtan continues, picking at her nails. They're cut short for this role, although still at a length that wouldn't break the gender norms too much. "Not like real life. Then you never have to think about what it looks like from outside, just what it feels like."
"Right," Mim agrees. "Completely different from kissing for real."
"I mean, the kissing is for real though," says Namtan, making Film scrunch up her face in a quiet little giggle. "You just can't decide what you want to do, you have to follow directions."
"And what's with the tongue rule!" Mim exclaims, indignant. "I thought this was supposed to be a high heat show."
Namtan laughs. "GMMTV…"
Love glances over to Milk. Milk is silently chewing on her lunch, but with a twinkling little smile on her face. She's clearly amused by the conversation. Other than that, it's hard to tell what she is thinking.
Unexpectedly, Film speaks up: "How about you, P'Milk?" When Love looks Film's way, she thinks she sees Film's eyes flicker away from her own. Film is smiling to herself, a small smile, not maliciously, but mischievously, as she clarifies, "Do you kiss the same on camera as in real life?"
"Come on," Milk says, deflecting.
"Come on!" Namtan urges.
Milk shrugs playfully, but her grin broadens. "Kissing is kissing, right?"
"Sure. Buuuut….?"
"But," Milk admits, finally, "of course it's different!"
"Do you normally kiss with tongue?" Mim asks.
Milk just smiles secretly.
"Oh, I see," says Namtan, "You kiss with tongue all the time. I see how it is."
"Stop it!" Milk laughs.
Film winks conspiratorially at Love.
Love remembers the kisses.
Love imagines the kisses.
Love kisses her boyfriend, and she imagines Milk.
A pair of hands on her waist. She imagines they're Milk's.
A puff of warm breath against her face. She imagines it's Milk's.
A leg pushed between Love's, and she thinks of Milk's long, well-shaped legs, how the slit of her dress opens up as she bends her knee…
It's unbearable.
Love's boyfriend stumbles a little as she pushes him away with more force than is actually needed.
"What is it?" He looks genuinely confused. Which is only understandable. Just a moment earlier, Love was clearly into it. It's just that she was into her daydream about Milk more than she was into him.
It's unbearable.
"Let's break up." It surprises her to hear herself say it. And then it doesn't. After all, this is what really makes sense.
"What?" Love's boyfriend's voice sounds so small and weak, just a squeak. Like he can't believe his ears. There's even a tiny hint of a smile on his lips, as if he is hoping that she'll say it's a joke.
But it's not.
She feels so sorry for him, but it can't go on like this.
"I want to break up," she says again, firmly.
"I— what? Just like that?" His tone is sharper now. Not angry, not yet. But desperate, confused. "Why?"
She doesn't know what to say. Because I think of someone else when I kiss you? Because there's someone else I would much rather kiss? Someone I kiss for work? I want to kiss them for not work. I want to know what Milk kisses like off-camera.
"I don't think we're right for each other," she eventually says. Her throat is thickening; her vision's getting blurred.
"Love…" He reaches for her hand, but she pulls it away, leaving him hanging. For a second, his hand just hovers there, undecided. Then he lets it fall to his side. "Love, whatever it is, I'm sure we can figure it out. How long have we been together? Almost ten years. We've had crises before. There must be something —"
But Love just shakes her head, feeling tears roll hot down her cheeks.
"We've been together for so long," she says. Her voice is trembling, but she manages to keep it from cracking. "I think it's time for us to find our own ways, don't you think?"
"Cut!"
The director's eyebrows are drawn together in a frown. He isn't happy. Neither is anyone else on the crew. They've been retaking this scene for over an hour, considerably longer than planned.
"Love, can I speak with you for a moment?" the director asks her, not unkindly. Then to the rest of the crew, "Let's take ten!"
There isn't really anywhere to go, but people leave them room to talk, and the director puts his hand on her shoulder as he asks her, sincerely,
"Is something the matter?"
It's genuinely kind.
Yes, she wants to scream, everything's the matter! I turned my whole life upside down and now I have to pretend to kiss someone whom I want to kiss for real.
But instead, she says, "I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday." That is also true.
"I'm so sorry. Do you want to tell me what happened?"
"Thank you, phi. But that's alright."
"Okay. But, we have a tight schedule, you know? I really, really need you to focus. You have to put Love's feelings aside for now and look for your character's. Do you think you can do that?"
Love nods.
When she gets back, Milk looks at her with worry in her eyes. Love forces a smile in return.
If only this damn show didn't have so much kissing. Because now, Love can't stop thinking about this next thing: What does Milk actually kiss like?
She kisses Milk, but she doesn't. Not really. Because these are their characters' kisses. For the show.
And… maybe the kissing is not the only problem.
Because Milk is so good to Love. So caring. She always is, but in the week that follows after Love tells Milk about the breakup, it's taken to a whole new level. She makes sure Love is neither too warm nor too cold. That she eats and drinks as she should. She carries around an extra tube of hand cream — Love's brand of hand cream — just in case Love needs them. During breaks, Milk lets Love rest her head on Milk's shoulder, and she smells like Hokkaido milk bread.
It's torture. Vaguely, Love realises she has to do something. She just isn’t sure what.
Milk’s and Love’s last filming for the show does not contain kissing, nor is it an NC scene. It's a reconciliation. Their characters have been fighting, and now they're finding their way back together. Milk's character forgives Love's character for what she's done, and then comforts her.
A couple of years ago, Love would find it difficult to bring forth her character's feelings and channel them as her own. To be honest, it still is sometimes. It requires a special kind of concentration. It's not enough for just Love to be concentrated. It's like everything around her has to be as well, some kind of specific atmosphere. And whoever she's playing with has to be in the same state.
It helps that it's Milk she's playing against today. It always does. Milk and Love can read each other, can trust each other, help one another find the right feelings.
But today, it's not just that.
When Love lets her character's feelings out — exasperation, and then surrender, and, well, love — she's not even sure they are her character's. Hot tears stream down her face and Milk takes her in her arms and holds her, and the tears won't stop flowing.
"Cut!" yells the director. "Okay! That's a wrap!"
Everybody's clapping. Some are cheering. But Love's tears still won't stop. She's crying so hard she's shaking. Now, when she doesn't need to cry prettily anymore, she surely looks horrible, all red and swollen.
Milk holds her close, squeezing her, hiding Love's face in her embrace. It only makes her cry harder, but she never wants it to end.
Coming home after the final day of filming is always strange. The day is so full of feelings, and people, celebrations and tears, and then at home, it’s just… quiet. Normal.
Love sits on the floor of her half-dark room and lets her cats take their turns to get petted. Their fur gets on her clothes, but she doesn’t care. Their presence and the soft sensation against her hands are familiar and grounding.
Milk likes girls. At least Love knows that. Maybe, most likely, she doesn't like Love like that, but Love has also always been unavailable. She has been with her boyfriend since way before Milk even got to know her. And unlike Milk, Love hasn't been sure about liking girls before. To be honest, she doesn't really like people that much in general. Maybe that was also why she was with her boyfriend for so long? For Love, attraction is a rare thing, and it doesn't make sense to do anything else than to hold on to it. But that is also why she knows that what she feels for Milk, this need for Milk, is unlikely to go away very soon.
Because she wants Milk. The more Milk cares for her, the more she wants. It's not just the kissing. She wants to be kissed by Milk, yes. Kissed everywhere, if she's really being honest with herself. But wanting to know how Milk kisses is not just about the sensation itself. More than that alone, she wants the whole of Milk. She wants to see the parts of Milk she doesn’t know.
She wants Milk to flirt with her. She wants Milk to take care of her every day, not just at work. She wants to wake up next to Milk in the morning. She wants to be the first person Milk calls when she needs something.
Love will either have to keep yearning in silence, or tell Milk about it. And then Milk can reject her fully, or say she'd think about it, or…
She decides to wait after finishing the promotions. It's continued torture for her, but at least, if something bad happens, if Milk turns her down, if it just gets really awkward, at least they don't have to do this together for a while. And at least then Love will know for sure.
And if she ruins everything completely — if Milk never wants to see her again and they can't work together anymore and Love has to rethink her whole career — well, in that case, at least she tried.
The promotions are mostly fine.
They answer silly interview questions, and some serious ones. They film little vlogs. They play stupid games on TV. They make a couple of TikToks to be posted on GMMTV's official account. Most of the time, there's too much going on for Love to pay attention to the constant pull towards Milk.
Yes, it's mostly fine.
But then, there are the quiet moments. When they're drinking coffee side by side as the sun goes up. When Milk's eyes catch Love's in the mirror as they both remove their makeup, and Milk smiles at her. When Milk is nodding off next to her in a taxi, her long black hair falling into her face, and Love wants to tuck it behind her ear.
In those moments, Love remembers what Milk's lips feel like against her. And she wants to know more. Wants and wants and wants. So desperately that it feels like hunger.
The viewing of the final episode is done in a movie theatre. It's really big. Honestly, a couple of years ago it had been difficult for Love to imagine that GL would get this big. Looking around in the movie salon, there are a few fans that she recognises since Milk and she first started playing together. The audience consists mostly of girls. Some of them are obviously together.
It makes Love proud in so many ways. She's happy about her career, of course, and proud that she could step into a new world and find her footing in it after giving up the idea of being a ballet dancer. She's still not fully satisfied with her performance when it comes to acting, but she can tell she's getting better. Still, more than anything, she's proud to be a part of this. Of the soft power that is series Y, at home and abroad, of the visibility of same sex love stories, and more than anything, of this space for their fans. A place to come together, to find each other. Maybe not all of them like girls, but many of them do. And either way, they have each other. They have this happiness.
The ending feels a little bit rushed, Love thinks. But maybe it's just because she's scared of it ending. When the show ends, so do promotions. Which means Love will tell Milk. They'll still have some work together soon — commercials, and not too far away is their fan meeting — but this is the deadline Love has given herself.
She's dying to do it. She's also terrified.
When they'd gotten their makeup done for the event, Love had asked for waterproof eye makeup, expecting to cry. To her surprise, she doesn't.
Then, in the dark, a hot, dry hand squeezes her own.
When she turns to look at Milk, she sees her face, lit up by the movie screen, gleaming with tears.
When Love had suggested that they’d meet the next day, Milk had seemed surprised. They do meet outside of work sometimes, but Love usually prefers to spend a day off alone, especially after such an intensely social work period. But Love has to do it now. Has to.
Milk had suggested meeting at a café, but Love had asked Milk to come to her place. "There'll be too many people," she'd said, and Milk had accepted that right away. Even though she didn't know it wasn't because of the usual introversion thing, but rather because Love has something to tell her. Something she doesn't want to tell her in public. They'll be alone in Love's home, except for the cats, and Love needs that.
Still, when Love opens the front door, Milk is dangling a bag from the café in front of her.
"Surprise!" Milk says. "I thought we should celebrate. No better time to indulge a little, right? I think you'll like this."
Love's heart is beating very hard. And when she looks into the bag, she starts laughing.
Hokkaido milk bread.
"What?" asks Milk.
"Nothing," Love says, still laughing. And then, she realises she's shaking.
Milk must have noticed too, because although she's smiling, infected by Love's laughter, she also looks a little worried as she takes off her shoes.
"Love," Milk asks, "are you okay?"
"Phi," Love starts.
Love planned this. She planned this whole little speech, where she'd tell Milk just what Milk needed to know. That Love had feelings for her. She'd tell her in this totally reasonable, non-pressure way. Just let her know. Well, maybe also ask her to consider it, depending on Milk's reaction.
Instead, what comes out of her mouth is,
"You said you kiss differently off-camera."
For a freezing fraction of a second, Milk just stares at her, still smiling, but clearly taken back by the sudden question. Then, she clears her throat and responds,
"Yeah?"
In some kind of weird daze, Love starts walking towards the kitchen, holding the bag from the café. Milk follows her.
"In what way?" Love asks.
"Well," says Milk, "there has to be some feeling to it either way. But when you're filmed, you have to think about what it looks like, and what kind of image the production is going for, and the story."
"You already said that."
"I'm sorry." There is laughter in Milk's voice, but also confusion.
"So…?"
"When you're kissing without being recorded, you can just concentrate on the kiss.”
Love puts the bag on the kitchen table, and turns around. Flecks of pink have appeared on Milk’s cheeks and ears. Milk licks her lips, and her voice sounds a little strained when she asks:
“Why are you asking this?"
Here it goes. Take the plunge.
Love straightens her back, looks Milk in the eyes, and just says it:
"Will you show me?"
"What?"
"Will you show me, P'Milk?"
Milk isn't smiling anymore.
"Love…" Milk starts. “I understand if you’ve just broken up with someone and you might want to… try something new. But —”
"No — "
"— I’m not sure if it’s such a good idea for us to —"
"That’s not what I’m doing!"
Love is trembling. Milk reaches for her hand, and Love lets her take it.
"It's not," Love says again. She squeezes Milk's hand, a little at first, then so hard she wonders if she's hurting Milk. But she can't release her grip. "It's… it’s like. It’s the other way around."
"What do you mean?" Milk's voice is little more than a whisper.
"I broke up with him because I wanted to kiss you." Milk says nothing, so Love continues, stumbling forward, "All I could think about was kissing you."
Milk’s face is serious now. And then very, very close to Love’s. For a second, Milk’s nose brushes against Love.
Love closes her eyes.
The first second or two, Milk's kiss feels just like it normally does — sweet, soft, and beautiful. After it, Milk pauses for a beat, searching Love's eyes. And whatever she finds there, it must have been what she was looking for. Because when her lips meet Love's again, it is indeed different.
Milk's lips are still soft, but the kiss has lost its gentleness. Instead, Milk’s mouth crashes against Love with what can only be described as hunger. One of her arms wind around Love’s back, pressing their bodies close together, while her other hand travels up Love’s arm to grip her jaw.
It’s heaven.
A silky tongue grazes Love's lips. She opens her mouth and feels Milk’s tongue move in rhythm with her lips, and a zing goes through Love when for the first time she meets it with her own. Milk’s scent floods Love’s nose, and Love inhales it, dizzying, drowning; her head is spinning. She doesn’t notice the table pressing against her back until Milk pushes her to sit on it. Without breaking contact, Love lets herself be helped up, and then wraps her legs around Milk and pressing her closer. In response, Milk makes a strange, almost whining little noise, and pushes her tongue deeper into Love’s mouth, invading it; Love opens her mouth to let her in.
Then, Milk breaks the kiss.
Milk is panting, Love notices, and then she realises she's panting too.
"Love…" Milk starts, and then quiets. She looks like she's searching for words. And then she gives up, and kisses Love again.
Again and again and again.
She kisses Love everywhere.