Chapter Text
He was leaving a delivery order he was almost certain was a prank call.
He checked his watch before bringing his attention back to the address he had arrived at. The place looked abandoned. As if the neighborhood outside wasn’t a give away.
He knew the delivery was trouble the second he pulled up, one of those orders that smelled fishy, and he wasn’t talking about the food. He was almost certain it was a prank call, even as his watch scolded him for wasting time, a beep beep notifying it was the top of the hour.
The address was an abandoned office building crammed in a neighborhood that had stopped pretending it was alive years ago.
If it was up to him, he would have just left. He should have just driven away, but the order was already paid for and they had even left him a huge tip, so it wasn’t too much trouble to waltz on in and at least double check if anyone was in there. The amount was large enough it certainly got him motivated enough to try.
So he walked in.
The building swallowed him for twenty seven long minutes. Dust dunes. Yellowed papers littering the floor. A printer half buried under debris like a fossilized beast. Endless cubicles and e-waste scattered about. His skin started tingling the deeper he got into the depths of the building. It was the perfect picture of urban decay.
Then, against all logic, a glow. A
running computer, humming at full brightness as if it hadn’t realized the rest of the building died.
He had spotted a running computer, signs that someone was living in here after all, probably some homeless guy with the know how to steal electricity.
The setup looked like it was made from the old junk lying around here. The monitor was some huge old thing from the 90’s, a brightly colored cartoon game was running with a VR system attached.
He was starting to feel the paper under his tongue dissolve, realizing he had taken too long looking for someone to hand the food over to. While the walls weren’t melting yet, they were thinking about it. He knew he wasn’t going to make it home in time before things kicked in fully.
Whatever, he didn’t have to work for the next few days anyway. He could probably ask the bum if he could “bum” a night at his place.
“Heh…heh, heh.”
It was clearly a good call to stick around instead of driving. He considered that lazy pun worthy of physical, out loud chuckles? It gave him the smileys just thinking about how lame it was.
He set the food down on the desk, taking a quick look around shouting out for the customer.
“Uhh…Delivery, I’m just going to drop this down by your set up.”
After several moments of silence he spoke up again.
“Hello?”
The building continued to give him the silent treatment.
“Oh well, Someone will be here eventually, they left the game running. What is that anyway?”
The screen depicted the graphic of a cartoon set of dentures in a top hat with huge eyeballs in between its teeth. It was holding a vr headset, repeatedly raising them to its eye-mouth face.
He was already committed to sticking around, and the more he thought about it, this was probably all some kind of YouTube prank.
Yeah, yeah. One of those “I paid a stranger to play a video game in a condemned building” kind of videos. It would certainly explain the huge tip, he was being baited.
What a combination of money, lowered inhibitions, and trying to be a good sport about the inevitable jumpscare or gotcha moment makes you do.
He brought the headset up to his face, his sense of caution dissolving faster than the paper under his tongue. If nothing else he’s sure this will be a funny story to share someday.
He sat back in one of the chairs around the office, trying to making himself comfortable in the creaking old thing.
He clamped the device to his face. A bright light flashed on the screen, the brightness of said flash would momentarily blind a normal person. To a person with exponentially dilating pupils, the feeling almost makes him want to pass out.
When his senses finally calm down from the over stimulation, he’s starting at a white king chess piece, with giant uneven bloodshot eyes, and a purple robe fit for a monarch.
Everything behind him is an explosion of sensations. Bright colors were bleeding into each other, shapes stretching and twirling as if the room was spinning wildly.
“Oh yeah, now the walls are melting.”
—————————
Jax had something special planned for today.
He had rigged the seats of the “post-adventure corner” couches to give everyone a “positive” attitude, courtesy of a car battery he picked up from their last adventure.
After all, Raggy insisted.
He had gotten up early to install his trap, and now was now just hanging around the stage Caine usually gathered them to when he declare the adventure title. Reveling in the thoughts of his prank to be, he waited patiently for everyone to gather.
Eventually, Zooble appears with their usual disinterested personality.
“Morning sunshine.” He says to the mix and match amalgamation with a wide toothy smile, innocently blinking his eyes in an exaggerated manner.
Zooble gives him a glare, flipping him the bird which is censored by a depiction of Caine’s face. They make their way over to the opposite side of the stage from Jax, resting their back against it, arms crossed and blocked out from the world.
Minutes pass by, Jax grows inpatient waiting for everyone else to show up. Dramatically checking a watch he doesn’t have, he groans out an exaggerated sigh.
“Uuuuuuughhh! Where is everyone else today? We’ve been waiting out here all morning, where are those losers. Let’s get this adventure on the road already!”
“It’s been 5 minutes.” A voice calls out from behind him. Ragatha turns the corner, the rest of the wacky cast in tow.
“It took a bit of coaxing, but we talked Kaufmo into coming out of his room.” She spoke quieter as she came in closer to Jax.
Kinger and Gangle were escorting Kaufmo, each holding him by a shoulder in an almost hug, almost I’m caring my drunk friend home lug. They leaned him on the center stage, Gangle probably offering him some meaningless sympathies, while Kinger blabed on about something meaningless as usual. Upon being set down he immediately curled himself in to a ball, rocking back and forth muttering to himslef.
“I see what you mean, he’s acting kinda funny today.” Jax joked to her, opening up his arms for applause, giving a wink at Ragatha.
Upon hearing Jax be funnier than himslef, Kaufmo let out a whiny groan. He was just jealous of Jax’s superior wit and comedic timing. Yes, that must be it.
“Please, don’t be mean today.” Ragatha pleadedbto him, elbowing him in the side, quiet enough to keep Kaufmo from over hearing.
Gangle was now sitting down next to him, petting his back, giving soothing strokes to try and calm him down. Kinger became focused on something else and wandered off, coming to a stop in front of a wall just staring at it silently.
“He’s been getting paranoid, he spends all his free time running all over the place, shouting like a mad man playing hide and seek. Not to mention his jokes have been getting kinda morbid.”
“Knock-knock.” Kaufmo suddenly shouted out, seemingly having heard Ragatha.
“Wh-who’s there?” Gangle questioned, now shaking like the crybaby she was, tears held back only from the effects of her comedy mask.
“Lemmy.” He said, a bright goofy face suddenly upon him. He kept up the expression, looking at Gangle expectantly to continue the set up.
“Le-Le-Lemmy? Wh-who?” She nervous got out, knowing it wouldn’t lead to anything good.
“Lemmy out, Lemmy out, Lemmy out…” he started giggling, his laughter giving way to eventual choked sobs as he honked his nose the whole time, sound effects playing every time he did, the back of his head thunking into the stage.
“Maybe you’re on to something here, Dollface.” Jax spoke to Ragatha, one eye half closed in a flinch from the sad sight before him.
It was at that moment that Caine made his appearance, a pop and some kazoo noises accompanying.
“Good morning to each and every one of you my little star spangled banners.” He said with the twirl of his cane, a US flag unfurling with his face in the middle. The face on said flag then continuing.
“You’re in for a good one today!” He gleefully spoke, with his usual cheerful enthusiasm out in full force today.
The Caine holding the flag then brings his hands together, the cane flag shrinking and disappearing into his hands and as rubs them together, turning it to dust. Throwing said dust into the air, it spells out todays adventure as he yells out the name.
“Wacky Kart Grand Prix!” With the waving of his arms, the formed letters blazed to life as a revving engine sounded out, pit stop drills sounding out several quick cries in fiery explosions.”
“That’s right, today you’ll all be racing in your very own, personalized Karts! All for the chance of taking home…” He pauses for dramatic effect.
“The Bubble Cup!” He pointed his hands dramatically next to him. A heavenly choir is heard and a god ray of light shines in the spot Caine is pointing at.
Bubble suddenly materialized, a stereotypical golden trophy with a Silver Bubble sitting atop and waving a checkered flag. It rested comfortably on its head, defying gravity and sticking to him even as he rotated in place, trying to get a better look at the thing stuck to his head.
“This is the highest honor and greatest award we’ve ever had the chance of giving out in all our years.” Bubble puffed out with pride, looking every way he possible could to get the best view of his visage shining upon him.
“SPEED! STRATEGY! STRIKING EACH OTHER WITH RANDOMLY GENERATED GIMMICKS! DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO CLAIM THE BUBBLE CUP!”
The heavenly choir sounded again as the god ray flashed once more before disappearing.
“That sounds really fun, I think a race is exciting! don’t you think so guys?”
She swung her arms around merrily, trying to hype everyone up. Though technically talking to everyone, Ragatha was directing her attention to Kaufmo.
“That striking each thing sounds like it’s gonna be a Mario Kart like.” Gangle chimed in. “Maybe those gimmicks are items, and you could get a banana peel. You could probably do something funny with that…”
she was rapidly loosing confidence as soon as she started speaking, but the words had an effect on the mental wreck of a clown.
Kaufmo looked up to Gangle with hope in his eyes. “And, you guys will laugh at that? Will it make you wanna put a big ol’ smile upon your face?”
“Absolutely!” Ragatha piped up, hamming up her positive attitude, trying to sound as genuine as possible. “I always loved the classic banana peel routine.”
Jax rolled his eyes, at her “honesty” but after seeing the clown get up after a few moments, he was willing to look past it.
“Excellent!” Caine then snapped his fingers and the swirling mass of shapes and colors known as fractal noise appeared in a blob, suspended in reality, ready to act as a portal to their adventure.
“Come on Kinger, we’re going racing, don’t you wanna win the Bubble cup?”
Jax called out to him, moving closer in case he was still out of it. The choir and ray of light coming making themselves known once again at the mention of prize in question, only slightly jumping at the effects going off as if directly in front of him.
A look of annoyance flashed across his face as he realized that would happen every time.
“Huh? Oh! Sorry, I’ve just been so enthralled watching this paint dry. Would you care to join me, it’s my favorite channel?”
“I’m so glad you noticed!” Caine shouted excitedly.
“I thought this room could use a little touch up and gave that wall over there a fresh coat of paint. Go on, tell me your honest feelings, did I do a good job?”
The wall in question was indeed freshly painted, noticeably so now that it was being examined thoroughly. It was the exact same color as before, the same as every other wall in the room. The only real difference being a slightly wet texture. If you looked hard enough at it.
“I love looking at it, it has a nostalgic feeling to it, like watching a favorite program after a long hard days work.” He looked longingly at the wall.
“C’mere, you crazy old geezer.” Jax commented, reaching to grab him. Just as he was going to yank him by the robes, a bright flash and a popping sound pulled his attention away.
Standing directly infront of where Kinger was staring at the wall, now stood a new character.
Their “body” was nothing more than an empty suit and tie standing of its own volition.
The arm sleeves dangled empty and uselessly on the sides, the pant legs of the pair of slacks slotted perfectly into a pair of polished black dress shoes.
A pair of disembodied gloves floated around opening and closing, waving in front of The most standout feature, a large CRT TV sitting right where a head should go, a pair of rabbit ear antenna were coming out the top.
Where a face should be was instead a currently blank, black screen, with no eyes, mouth, or other features one might consider necessary to call a face, other than a dial and mono speaker. An assortment of buttons was on the left side of their head.
“Jesus, those eyes are really looking into my soul there buddy. Boy, am I loving the funky 3D look.”
“Oh. Sorry about that, I was just channel surfing.”
Kinger took a few steps back as the rest of the cast looked from afar at the new face in the circus. Except for Zooble, who had snuck away the first chance they got, sometime around the unveiling of the Bubble cup.
The TV examined his floating hands, opening and closing them before trying to test out individual finger movements, completely engrossed with them. He then swats the air several times, trying different angles, and also fiddling with the ends of the gloves as if he were checking for a watch he didn’t have.
“How do I open the damn menu?”
he quickly realizes he has a group of characters staring at him and brings his attention to them.
“Oh yeah, it’s gonna be a silly time.”
He gives an exaggerated flourish with one of the hands, before dipping into a slight bow, giving respect to the ‘obvious’ leader.
“Your majesty, it’s an honor to be in your kingdom.”
“Thank you.” Kinger answers sincerely, bringing his own disembodied hands over his heart in a cross.
The snazzily dressed partial accelerator had already moved on, walking past Kinger with a swagger one would see in a drunk too confident for their own good. Now closer to the group, his attention soaked in the other characters.
“Let’s see what else we’re working with, one of those Greek Comedy masks on a red velvet ribbon. Oh, I get it, it’s a Silly String!”
The ribbon girl’s initial shock of a new member appearing converted into a shock of utter confusion upon hearing what was said. She managed to raise a ribbon in acknowledgement.
Ragatha stepped forward, waving to the new face. Well he didn’t exactly have a face, but she gave out a friendly greeting either way.
“Hey, new guy! Glad to have a few face around here—Uh, no, I mean. So this might be hard to take in, but—“ she was interrupted in the middle of her unintentional, self perceived, faux pas.
“Oh cool, so this is some kind of Raggedy Ann game? She’s got a great voice , the button eye is cute, and she’s girl shaped. That meets all my standards.”
Ragatha turned into a blushing, stuttering mess as he nodded sagely, bringing a floating glove up to the bottom of his screen, stroking it as if it were a chin.
His vision drifted off after looking her up and down and settled on the blend of colors that was a frowning clown. He started giggling at the sight.
“I sad love clowns, those are always funny. I’ll never understand why people find them scary. Honky honky for life, dude.”
With Nothing more to say about Kaufmo, his vision wandered, giggling all the while until he took a good look at Jax. The giggles were abruptly cut off.
A pregnant pause before extending his non existent arm, the sleeve still lying flatly at his side as a single finger covered glove pointed at him before delivering the most scathing single word.
“Furry.”
Jax was reveling in the new guy. He was clearly under the effects of something as he came into the circus and that apparently transferred over when he got digitized. The furry comment would have stung if he hadn’t grown used to it after all these years.
The new guy then saw Caine floating up above.
“Oh hey, it’s the guy on the cover, I thought he was the mascot, but now I’m not sure. I know Jack all about Raggey Ann lore though, it’s like a worse Toy Story right?”
The set of Dentures then piped up, halting his ramblings. He turned to address the group.
“Hmm, looks like todays adventure is postponed superstars, our new member needs a name and has to go through the tutorial first. You all get a free day today while I get out new member situated. It gives me more time to work on something better too, I know how much you all love you grandiose adventures!” Caine turned to his cast as Jax let out an annoyed groan.
“What, No! I was actually looking forward to cart racing! You can’t cancel an adventure that actually sounds fun!”
“Oh this is a kart racer!? That’s awesome, yeah let’s skip the tutorial, I can figure it out as I go, it’s a racing game, they’re all the same anyway.”
“Hmmm…I’d have to be a bit lazy with some rather important mechanics.” Caine considered the option and Jax broke out into an even wider grin.
“I like this TV guy already. Come on Caine, we’re just really excited to see what you’ve got cooking up for us for today. First day and he already knows that Caine’s adventures are the place to be. Why I’ll bet this adventure is all he’s going to be talking about, if only we could just be there already.” He really oozed out the charm playing to the teeth’s ego.
“*Gasp* You guys really love my adventures that much! Its so great to hear how much you all love my adventures. I suppose TV Guy is a good enough name for now. We can give him a proper name later, I’ve worked so very hard on this one, the physics engine is just perfect. I suppose I can fudge some things here and there. Anything for you superstars!”
He turned dramaticlly and cleared his non existent throat as he then shouted dramatically to the rest of the present cast. “And everyone and their mother wants to be the lucky son of a gun who gets to take home, THE BUBBLE CUP!” The choir sings and the lights flash and bubble steps into the rays once more, letting the trophy glisten.
Caine then snaps his fingers and
gathers everyone in one swipe from an unseen hand and pushes them all into the fractal noise, ignoring any complaining from those pushed in. Looking around, Caine realized someone had skipped his adventure. Again.
“Hmm, where did Zooble go? Oh well, their loss. I have a confirmed testimonial and several witnesses to prove my adventures are amazing! I can’t wait to hear that again.”
Caine then disappeared with a snap of his fingers, ready to entertain those of this guests that actually like to have fun.