Work Text:
Five years ago:
The man known as Cerulean Qilin Zius stands with his arm outstretched, a sinking feeling spreading through his bones.
A single thought runs through his mind.
What have I done?
A great chasm through Doe's stomach, a crater of stone behind her, she stands, staggers, and Fox cries "Fadiyan!!"—
Doe presses a bloody hand into her wound and her eyes meet his. Ever since their Knight-in-Training days, they've always been able to read each other's thoughts through just a single glance — it's partly the reason why they're such a formidable team of Rookie Knights.
Now Qilin reads her eyes, and where he's expecting to see fear or hurt, he's only greeted by something unreadable.
Why? she seems to ask him, before she collapses to the ground.
Qilin stands there with the weight of his Geas on his shoulders, and the blood of his friend on his hands. He's trembling so hard, the adrenaline rush leaving him, his legs almost give way.
What have I done? he thinks again, as Fox glares at him through her tears and Doe's breathing grows shallower with each rise and fall of her chest.
He feels sick to his stomach.
A hand slams into his shoulder, all at once, and Qilin winces as an arm presses into his neck. He's shoved against the wall, staring into the angry, tearful eyes of another Knight in his cohort.
One he knows well.
"Fox—" he chokes out.
"Qilin, you bastard," she swears, tears running down her face. She doesn't realise the strength by which she's pinning him to the wall — the previous Qilin would have been strong enough to fight back, but now? His Geas strips him of all his power and he chokes under the weight of her arm.
He taps her twice, and, surprised, she lets him go.
"You really have gotten weak," she tells him. Then she spits at his feet for good measure.
"It's my—"
"I know about your Geas. That's not what I'm talking about."
She grabs him by the collar and glares.
"When are you going to visit her, Qilin?"
Qilin doesn't do Fox the disservice of pretending he doesn't know who she's talking about. Of course he does.
Everyone does.
'White Doe Fadiyan is in critical condition!'
'I heard Qilin flipped and almost killed Doe.'
'Weren't those two close? What the hell happened there?'
'Qilin's a nasty piece of work. Almost killing his own teammate?? What type of Knight does that?'
'Watch out for the one they call Cerulean Qilin Zius.'
He should be making a plan, theorising a way to dispel the rumours while also keeping Doe out of the line of fire. But Qilin is too shaken to think logically.
He almost killed a teammate. More importantly, he almost killed Doe.
How can he even face her after this?
"I can't," he says to Fox, making sure to keep his face neutral. "I have other things I need to do. Turtle told me there are some people who want to meet me, study my Geas."
And anyway. Doe wouldn't want to see me after this.
Doe is bright, passionate, someone who sees a lot more than she lets on. If he stands before her, she might see his true feelings peeking through, might see the insecurities he tries so hard to keep hidden under his passive demeanor.
And what if he meets her and she tells him she never wants to see him again. Doe wouldn't do that… would she?
"You're a coward, Qilin," Fox spits, and he can't bring himself to deny it. Her face is controrted with anger, tears streaming down her face.
"Aw, don't cry, crybaby," he hears Doe tease, and the memory is so sharp he flinches. The image of her blood pooling into the ground quickly replaces the nostalgia.
He shoves his hands in his pockets and makes to walk away.
"She's been asking for you!" Fox calls out. "Don't keep her waiting!"
He waves a hand dismissively, and tries to block out the sound of her angry sniffles echoing through the halls.
"I'm White Doe Fadiyan! You can just call me Doe. And this here is Rosewood Fox Ludika!"
"…Cerulean Qilin Zius."
"Woah, what?! Qilin? Weren't you in our Training cohort?"
"I was."
"I remember seeing this guy and thinking — "Wow, he fights well.". Right, Ludi?"
Fox nods, and Qilin directs his attention back to Doe. He remembers her too. A rising star among their group, not too strong but certainly not weak enough to forget about.
But the most intriguing part about Doe… was her perception. She had the unique, innate ability to read through whatever secrets Qilin, or anyone for that matter, was trying to hide.
She was eerily good at it too.
"I look forward to working with you, Qilin!" says Doe cheerily. She holds out a hand and Qilin hesitates.
Is it really wise to get close to her? He thinks. She's stronger than I am, and even worse… she's more intelligent than she lets on. It's deadly to underestimate her. No, the smart thing to do would be to keep White Doe Fadiyan at arms length, especially for someone like me—
Doe shoots him a piercing look.
Immediately she swings around and pulls him into a headlock, rubbing the top of his hair. Fox cries out in surprise but Qilin says nothing, a blush creeping up his neck. She'd seen right through his hesitation.
And now she's decided to plough through his feeble worries with all the subtlety of a hurricane. That's… the first time anyone's seen through him in this way.
"Please, let go." Qilin says, tapping her arm.
She obliges with a sigh. He steps back, but it seems she's still not letting him off the hook with this one.
"Qilin!" she says, pointing a finger at him. Her icy gaze softens, a thousand unspoken words passing through them. "From now on, you're sparring with us, ok?"
She doesn't give him any space to deny it… and Qilin accepts her bludgeoning friendship with grace.
His heart skips abnormally in his chest. It must be… he must be tired. That's all.
(Qilin is incredibly smart, but he can be awfully dense at times.)
Like he does with every uncomfortable feeling, Qilin opts to ignore this.
Turtle sits before Qilin, and offers him a cup of tea. Qilin, as always, declines.
"Not everything is poison, Zius," says Turtle with a sigh.
"But everything can be," Qilin replies. "Prevention is better than cure."
"What this tells me is that you're still wary of me."
Qilin says nothing. In his mind, he thinks: I am wary of everyone.
He has to be — a Knight cannot survive without constantly second-guessing both their enemies and friends. Especially a Knight who is no longer as strong as he once used to be.
Truthfully, he doesn't think Turtle would poison him. But this is less about the act of drinking Turtle's tea, and more about Qilin making a statement.
I am still not fully compliant, even though my Geas is in your control.
"The rumour of Waron's fight with you is spreading well. I've been told that Waron herself is bragging about your talents."
Qilin winces. "Really, there's no need."
"Even Ludika is talking," Turtle says. Qilin notices the way he glances at him, constantly assessing his reactions. He makes sure to keep his face passive. "But her words mostly descend into arguments."
"She's still mad at me for harming Doe," Qilin sighs.
It's only natural. Fox and Doe are close friends — apparently they grew up together as kids and vowed to become Knights by each others' side from a young age. They're one of the rare examples of Knights who can fight together and become stronger as a result.
"On the contrary." Turtle takes a sip of his tea. "The reports tell me that she seems to be defending you."
That surprises him. Fox, the same Fox that had pinned him against the wall and laid his cowardice bare, that Fox was defending his name?
"I've heard it's under Fadiyan's insistence."
Ah. That makes more sense.
"How is… Doe?" Qilin says warily. It isn't exactly a secret that he's been avoiding her ever since she was released from the infirmary a month ago, but he's hesitant to breach the topic in case Turtle insists on pressing further.
However, his curiosity (and worry) outweighs his self-preservation.
Turtle is having none of it.
"Why don't you ask her yourself?" he probes gently.
Qilin turns away. He can't bring himself to face her — how dishonourable is he, harming a Knight, harming a friend?
"You still harbour feelings for her," Turtle deduces. Correctly.
Qilin snaps his head upwards. "That rumour is a lie—"
"It's no rumour," says Turtle. "Purely intuition."
He snaps his mouth shut with an audible click. Can Qilin really be read that easily? It seems everyone can read him these days, Turtle, Fox, Doe, Doe, Doe.
(Cerulean Qilin Zius does not know when he first fell in love with that blinding hurricane of a woman. Maybe it was when she first sparred with him and triumphantly won with a grin, maybe it was when she dragged him along to communal meals despite his protests, maybe it was when she sat next to him during sleepless nights on patrol and said "I'll listen." when no-one else would.
He's not even sure if he can call this love — after all, he's never loved before. But he does know that his heart aches with the thought of hurting her. He's not had a single restful night since the spar, and when he closes his eyes the image of her, bloody and hurt and confused, flashes against the dark.)
He gets the sudden urge to shove his face in his hands and groan. Only through years of conditioning does he manage to school his face into something passive once again.
"Talk to her," Turtle says. "It'll do you well."
"I don't—" Qilin says. He pauses, tries again. "I can't."
"Are you still afraid? Even after your fight with Waron? It's been 2 months since the accident, Zius. As soon as she's cleared for duty again, you two will be sent on missions together and what then? Will you still run away?"
Qilin stays silent. He knows Turtle is right, he knows this and yet—
"I look forward to working with you, Qilin!"
"I'll talk to her," Qilin finally acquieses.
"Good," Turtle smiles. "Otherwise I fear Ludika would drag you by the hair and force you two to talk herself."
Qilin winces, and stands up to leave.
His tea lies untouched on the table.
Qilin spots Doe in the fields next to the training grounds for the Knights-in-Training. He's holding a flask of herbal medicine — when he's not fighting, Qilin's personal hobby is actually foraging and making homeopathic remedies.
He almost drops the flask completely when he spots her doing one-armed pushups on the grass.
…typical.
"Doe," he says, walking up to her. She startles and almost falls over, grimacing.
Her hand automatically heads to her wound, and Qilin's heart beats horribly in his chest.
"What are you doing?" he sighs, trying to disguise his cocktail of uncomfortable feelings. "You aren't cleared for action yet."
"It's been two months!" Doe insists. "I should be allowed to train at least."
His eyes glance at her wound and she turns away slightly, trying to hide it from view. Qilin shifts his weight from one foot to the other, growing more awkward by the second.
This was a bad idea, he thinks.
Suddenly, Doe yawns loudly, and falls onto the grass. She opens her eye a crack and pats the space beside her.
"Come lie beside me, Zius."
He's startled enough by the use of his name that instead of running away, like he'd originally planned, he obliges for once. Like a flighty animal, he lowers himself onto the grass, and lies in the sun beside her.
She smells of lavender.
He stares up into the cloudless sky, and finds all the words on his tongue have turned to ash.
"Why didn't you visit me?" Doe says quietly.
It's easier to talk when he's facing the sky, when he doesn't have to look at her disappointed expression. Qilin's mind runs through every possible answer he could give to this question, and finds none of them worthy.
He opts for the truth.
"I didn't want to see your wound."
It's as good of a truth as any.
"Squeamish?" Doe asks. "No, that's not it. The Qilin I know isn't squeamish. Ah... guilty."
At his silence, she whispers something close to his ear: "Bingo."
He turns away, heat creeping up his neck, threatening to dye his ears red. Doe has always been like this — pushy enough to get him firmly out of his comfort zone, but smart enough to know when to stop.
It's what he admires most about her. She's able to read him like an open book.
"I'm sorry," he says, and then realises the apology means nothing if he's not facing her head-on. It seems he's still trying to run away from his problems, even now.
What kind of pathetic Knight does that make him? His weakness is not an excuse. He already knows that he will never run away from a fight if he can help it.
Qilin turns around, to see Doe already smiling at him.
"What?" he says. His heart pounds against his ribcage, though it will never, ever show on his face.
"What?" Doe echoes. "Oh, nothing. You're just cute when you're flustered like this."
He opens his mouth, gapes, realises no sound is coming out and that in the span of three quick seconds, he's entirely proved her point.
"You're… you're not upset." It's not a question, but a logical statement.
"Mm," Doe agrees. "Not in the slightest. It was just a regular spar — we agreed to always spar at our fullest capacity, didn't we? As strong as we could, without harming each other."
"But I did harm you," Qilin points out.
"I should amend that statement," Doe tells him. "Without harming each other on purpose. It was an accident, Qilin. I'm not going to get mad over an accident."
"Even though you're…" He glances down at her wound again, a wound so deep it's taken months to heal.
"Well, the constant bed-rest is kind of annoying," she grins. "As punishment, maybe I should test my own Geas out on you when I get it."
"I'd be happy to spar with you then," Qilin tells her.
"Aw, it's no fun if you're agreeing to it," Doe laughs. He sighs, lips quirking up into a smile. "Maybe I should make your punishment something else then. You've got to be my date at the Crimson festival, ok?"
Qilin can't help the blush that rises to his cheeks then. Ugh, Doe really is a tricky woman to deal with.
She pinches his cheek and grins. "Who knew you could get this soft? You should apologise to me more often."
Qilin bats her hand away and sits up, scrubbing the colour from his face. The image of Doe, bloody and broken in his mind, is fast replaced by the image of Doe smiling at him among the flowers.
...it's an image he'll keep close to his heart.
"It's a date," Qilin agrees quietly, and gets up to walk away before she can say anything more. When he's a safe distance away, he glances back.
Doe's eyes are trained on him, shock running through her expression.
A thousand words flash past her gaze. Her face breaks into an ear-splitting grin.
"Hey Qilin," she shouts, waving a hand. "Let's spar again sometime!"
And despite himself, Qilin smiles.
"Alright," he says, returning her wave with one of his own.
Now:
Nagyunn glances warily at Doe. He still hasn't let his guard down after she'd so effortlessly seen through his disguise, the first time they'd ever met.
Luckily she isn't paying much attention to him. Instead her efforts are focused on Qilin, who's talking to Fox and looking increasingly stressed as he does so.
He removes his beanie and runs his hands through his hair. Nagyunn pays close attention. To anyone else, Qilin just looks tired from the constant bouts of fighting, but Nagyunn can read through his exterior and see the stress from leading both special classes simmering underneath.
And it seems Doe can too.
She starts nudging him with her elbow, bemoaning about how she's tired and hungry and bored and should she take the lead this time so they can forage for some food?—
"Is something happening there?" Luzian asks, because despite her subpar intelligence, she's always been receptive of unspoken feelings (it's why Nagyunn was able to lie so effortlessly when it came to Luce).
Nagyunn doesn't reply, and Lauzun says: "who knows?" but it's really Badger who ends up saying anything of worth.
"Doe and Qilin?" Badger says, so loud that the entire group, and possibly the neighbouring village, can hear. "Yeah they've been super close since way back—"
"Badger," Qilin hisses, and it's the most panicked Nagyunn's ever seen the guy look. Nagyunn's convinced Badger doesn't know any substantial gossip, but unfortunately for Qilin, she's just given Doe the perfect opening.
"That's right," says Doe, shooting them a grin. "Qilin and I go way back. Hey, Qilin, remember the time when you punched my gut out and we both lay in the grass and you professed your love to—"
A strangled sound escaped Qilin's throat, and he quickly covers her mouth with his hand. The others instantly bombard them with questions: Are they together, how long has it been, what do they mean Qilin almost killed her—
But Nagyunn stands back and watches with an analytical eye. He sees the way Qilin's expression, body language, aura has shifted from stressed and overwhelmed, into something exasperated and a little fond. Doe is, as always, too perceptive for her own good.
She just read Qilin like a book. Maybe there is something there after all.
Whatever, thinks Nagyunn. It's certainly not my headache.
Still, he watches on as Doe tries to convince Qilin to another spar, and they all take a breather before they're inevitably thrown into the next life-or-death situation.
…Nagyunn appreciates these light moments.
He's sure Qilin does too.