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It was Christmas and Jay thought of finally paying his parents a visit, after months of avoiding them.
Christmas was the perfect holiday for family to connect, to value their love and obviously what everybody loves, receive gifts.
And due to college, he was so tired lately, that he missed the feeling of home so deeply, so celebrating Christmas with his parents sounded great.
And it was a great day with his family.
Well...
That was until it was time for dinner.
As Jay sits down on the dinner table, he gets reminded why he usually avoids them to begin with.
"You're already in your twenties! You should start dating and have a bit of fun in life, instead of being occupied with college so much!" His father says, giving him a clap on the shoulder as some type of affection.
Jay is in a relationship. A very loving one, for years now. They know that, but pay no mind to it, since it's not with a woman.
He wants to remind his father of that, but he just grimaces slightly and nods, eyes focused on the food.
"Your father is right!" His mother happily chimes in, "Is there really not atleast one girl who's caught your attention?"
And then they laugh. Fucking laugh.
He would have laughed too.
If only he had the energy to pretend. But he doesn't. Not today.
To them this was a simple joke, something fun to lift up the mood.
To him it felt mocking, as if they were making fun of him, insulting him.
"No, there isn't." He answers, his voice firm, not lifting up his eyes.
Not seeming to notice the brewing up frustration from their son, they just casually continue their conversation.
"That's a pretty sweater you're wearing, Jay. Where did you get it from?" His mother asks him softly.
"I don't know..." He shrugs.
"Jake brought it for me." He adds, finally lifting his eyes from the food, just to watch the immediate change of expression on his parents faces.
Now Jay is the one who laughs, but it sounds hollow and empty.
"What? You don't like the sweater anymore, now that I mentioned him?"
"Or are you mad over the fact that you can't control every single aspect of my life anymore?"
"We did what was best for you." His mother answers, her voice cold.
He just scoffs at that, turning his attention back to his food, ignoring the all too familiar stinging in his eyes.
He won't show them how much these arguments actually hurt him. Not anymore.
That's something he used to do, when he was younger.
Always hoping that one day his parents might end up understanding him, but they never did.
Hoping for things to change for the better was all he could do back then, when he used to be a young and naive teenager.
That hope didn't die though. It just changed.
It morphed into something else, something different.
Into something ugly and shallow, but still there, still fragile.
Not as much as before, but never completely gone.
The most simple conversations could make that ugly hope spark up again.
But these simple conversations somehow turn back at him, the smallest interferences, jokes reminding him that he will always remain different and will never be accepted.
And the spark fades out immediately.
The dining room is quiet. The only audible noise being chewings of food, with tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.
And this tension gets cut soon after, escalating into something worse.
"What was best for me, huh?"
"Was making me hate myself what's best for me-"
"Don't start with this bullshit again." His father interrupts him, his voice sharp.
"Bullshit? My feelings-"
"These are not your real feelings! It's a sin. A sin can never be the real you. It's just you being manipulated by the devil!" He yells, shutting Jay up.
"No matter how much we tried, we were never able to separate you from that troublesome boy. Even when we sent you to the states..." his mother says, sounding disappointed.
Jay thought his father's anger was bad enough, but his mother's disappointment was heartbreaking. He should be used to all of it by now, but truth be told...He never fully was.
"We hoped that spending your graduation year there, far away from him would've healed you from that disgusting boy.... It probably would have if you wouldn't have secretly stayed in contact with him."
Jay feels a lump starting to form in his throat, he swallows it down, just to utter out a single sentence.
"Jake is not disgusting."
"That fag-" his father starts, disgust in his voice.
"Don't call him that!"
His father goes quiet, but the look in his eyes speaks volumes.
His mother sighs, "Your mind is not in the right place, Jay. It hasn't been ever since you met him."
"Don't talk about him like he's some parasite!" He shouts, but his mother doesn't budge.
"There's still time, my son. You're young. Let go of that boy. All he's going to do is lead you to hell."
The stinging in his eyes, the lump in his throat. Both return, but he tries to keep control over himself.
"Mom, please stop..." he begs, his voice hoarse, his eyes burning with tears, he's trying so hard to keep at bay.
"Choose the right path, Jay. God is all forgiving-"
He has to leave. He has to leave right now or he might suffocate.
So he gets up and grabs his jacket. His mother follows him, still rambling about God.
But he's not listening, wanting nothing more than to escape this hell.
He puts on his shoes and leaves without a word, ignoring his mother, who's now shouting after him.
With his back now turned towards them, he let's his tears fall freely, taking deep breaths.
It's already dark outside and his vision is blurry due to his tears.
It's freezing and he doesn't know where he's going, but his steps remain determined.
Determined to leave.
"Merry fucking Christmas, to me..."
__
Jay is sitting on a bench, at a random busstop, as he finally decides to pick up his phone.
"Hello? Jay?" A worried voice greets him.
"Hey..." He shakily exhales.
"Where are you? Are you alright?"
Jay sighs, not having the energy to answer him, "Could you come and pick me up..?"
It took Jake an hour to arrive with his car, spotting Jay sitting exactly where he said he was.
He gets out of the car, walking towards his boyfriend.
It seems like Jay hasn't even noticed him. His are eyes fixated on the ground.
"Hey..." Jake softly says, crouching down in front of him, so they're at eyes length now.
Jay doesn't answer. He doesn't even look up, causing Jake to worry even more.
"Talk to me..." The aussie tries again, desperation clinging at his voice.
The finally decides to look at him.
And the younger wishes he didn't.
Jake knew that familiar look all too well. He already had a feeling that this was the reason, why Jay wasn't picking up his calls ealier.
Yet his heart breaks all over again, whenever he sees Jay in this state.
He hates having to see his lover suffer like this and that because of people that are supposed make him feel loved no matter what.
But instead they make him feel like a mistake. Like there's something wrong with him, just because he isn't the type of person they expected him to be.
The younger hates it. But what he hates the most is that their words always get to Jay.
They make him feel like there's something wrong with him, he believes it. They make him feel like his feelings aren't important, he believes it. They make him feel like he's a sinner, a mistake and he believes it.
He believes all of it, weather he wants to or not.
Both of Jake's hands travel to the latters face, softly caressing a few old tears away.
It took the aussie an hour to get here. His blood boils at the thought, of Jay sitting here all alone in the cold dark, crying.
"From now on we're going to spend the next holidays with our family." He tells him, voice soft yet firm.
He doesn't have to mention what he means by that. Jay knows that the latter means his own family.
His perfect, loving family. Jay remembers the first time he met them officially. Not as Jake's friend, but his boyfriend.
He remembers how scared he was, that they might react like his own parents did.
Even though the aussie reassured him that his family wasn't like that, he couldn't shake off his anxiety.
And then he met them. Talked to them, ate dinner with them, cracked jokes with them.
Like it was just a normal day. It made Jay feel at ease. It made him feel normal.
Which used to be a rare ocassion back then, when he still lived under the same roof with his parents.
"You're such a well-mannered young man, Jay. Your parents must be proud." Jake's mother laughed softly.
It was a compliment, so Jay tried to smile and thank her, but instead his jaw clenched and the words just came out in a small whisper.
Which gladly nobody noticed. Except Jake, who shot him a worried glance, that Jay waved off, so that the aussie wouldn't dwell on it.
Jake's father, was sitting next to him, nudging his arm playfully, "Ey, no need to act so shy now. We've known you for such a long time already, Jay. You don't have to act formal with us, just because you're dating our son now." He laughed.
Jay remembers a smile spreading across his face. A real, genuine smile. His chest filed with warmth.
"I'm sorry..." Jay croakes, his voice hoarse due to all of the crying.
"Don't be. None of this is your fault, baby."
But the latter shakes his head at the reassurance.
"I'm sorry for ruining your Christmas. You were probably having a great time with your family and I-"
Jake shuts him up, by convering his mouth with his hand.
"None of this is your fault." He repeats, looking into the latters eyes, hoping that the intensity of his gaze will make him believe his words.
He takes Jay's hand in his and walks towards the car with him.
Jay quietly sits down on the passenger seat, while Jake sits on the driver's seat, leaning his head against the windows, his dull eyes being fixated on the road.
The care ride is completely silent. It's comfortable though. Jay doesn't feel like talking and Jake knows that, so he doesn't make him talk.
His hand is resting on the older's thigh as a form of comfort. A gesture Jay feels grateful for, even if he doesn't have the energy to say it. Jake knows it anyway.
__
They don't arrive at their apartment. Due to the dark Jay didn't even notice how his boyfriend took another route.
But now they're here. With Jake's car parked right in front of the Sim household.
"Why are we here?" Jay asks confused.
"You deserve a good Christmas as well, baby." The aussie answers, his lips forming into a soft smile.
But the other shakes his head at that, "No, no Jake. I don't want to ruin Christmas any further, with my shitty mood-"
"You're not ruining Christmas for me, Jay. Not for me and definitely not for my family."
A broken sigh erupts from the latter, "But I don't have any gifts for them..."
"You think they care about that?" Jake laughs, but his boyfriend doesn't seem convinced.
"Jay...." The aussie starts softly, "My family is your family." He declares, taking his hand in the older's, squeezing it.
"They love you..."
"Your mere presence would be enough for them. For me."
"Fine..." the older agrees, still unsure, but willing to trust his boyfriend.
The both of them head out of the car and walk towards the door.
A few minutes after ringing the doorbell, the couple gets greeted by the aussies aunt.
"Welcome back, Jakey!" She cheerfully greets him, then turning to greet the older as well.
"Jay! It's been such a long time since I last saw you! Wow...You've grown so much! Come in my dear, come in."
They take their shoes off and follow the aussies aunt inside.
Inside the house they're greeted by loud laughter, clinking of dishes and softly Christmas music playing in the background.
"Oh! New guests!" Jake's mother happily announces, causing everybody to turn their heads.
"Jay, my dear, I haven't seen you for so long!" She says, as she gets up from her seat to greet her son's boyfriend properly, by engulfing him in a warm welcoming embrace.
He reacts startled at first, until he evetually reciprocates the hug.
It always surprises him all over again, how affectionate Jake's family is compared to his own.
"You barely visit us anymore. I'm glad you came to celebrate with us!" He hears his boyfriend's father say.
"All thanks to your son." Jay laughs, letting go of the hug.
He looks at the dinner table. Not only Jake's parents are here, but also some of his aunts and uncles and of course his older brother.
None of them seem to be disturbed by the latter's sudden appearance.
The rational part of his brain knew that none of them would be annoyed by his sudden visit, but another part of his brain was worried, that he would just be disturbing them.
He's glad that that's not the case, as he sits down on the table, right next to Jake.
"My visit was spontaneous though, so I don't have any gifts. I'm sorry. I promise to buy them later.."
"Oh, don't worry, my dear." Jake's mother waves him off.
"We're just grateful you've decided to visit us again! You should really come by more often."
Jay understands that Jake's uncles and aunts talk to him like that, because it really has been a long time since he last saw them.
But Jake's parents?
He literally saw them a month ago.
Maybe Jake was right. Maybe he really is a part of their family.
__
"Thank you for today..." the older murmurs, as they both lay down on Jake's single bed.
It was late already, so the younger's parents insisted on the couple spending the night here.
The two of them aren't the only one's staying for the night. Jake's aunt and his brother decided to stay as well.
"I told you..." the aussie shrugs, a cheeky smile playing on his lips.
The older hums in agreement, laying his head on his boyfriend's chest, wanting feel closer to him, but also because there's barely space for the two of them on a single bed.
"I love your family, they're always so nice."
"You mean our family, Jay. You're no outsider." Jake smiles fondly at him.
A chuckle erupts from the older, "Yeah, I know that..."
"Good."
But then the aussie's smile falters, "Do you wanna talk about, what happened...?"
What happened...? Oh. That. Right.
"The usual." He shrugs, trying to act nonchalant, but the tremble in his voice betrays him.
"Jay..."
"I'm so tired, Jake. Every time I visit them, something like this happens. No matter what I do they don't care!"
"The only thing they care about is that their son is a sinner, that's it!"
"I tried my best to stay quiet and ignore whatever they throwed at me, but I just couldn't stay quiet when they suddenly started insulting you! And then my mother started rambling about God and I didn't even think. I just ran out immediately."
"They didn't even call me. Not once." A bitter chuckle erupts from him, but with the same hollownes from earlier today.
"I'm so sorry, baby... You deserve better. So much better..."
"Don't be. I started it..." Jay tries to joke.
But the younger doesn't laugh, "Still."
The older's smile falters, the same emotions from earlier, creeping up again.
"I just wish things were...different, you know?" He says, still uselessly trying his best to sound casual, as if tears haven't started to stream down his face.
"I know, baby... I know..."
The younger wraps his arms around the older's frame, as an attempt to sooth him, hands rubbing his back.
Once the the tears stop, Jay opens his mouth, ready to apologize for the sudden outburst of emotions, but Jake interrupts him, like he already knew what the latter was about to say.
"There's no need to apologize, Jay. You always take care of me, so obviously I'm gonna do that too." The aussie says, the same find smile from before on his face again.
"It's okay... You don't have to act all perfect all the time. Not with me..."
"I know that... I just forget, sometimes..."
"Then I'm here to remind you over and over again... Not because I have to, but because I want to..."
Jay wonders what he did in his past life to deserve someone like Sim Jaeyun in his life.
Well, whatever it was. He is grateful to have him in his life. He may not feel at home with his parents, but atleast he does with him.
"Jake..?"
"Hm?"
"Can I kiss you?"
"Please.."