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Lois called from Perry's office: "Smallville, get in here. We have to get married."
Perry shook his head. "Don't do that to the man, Lane. He's from Kansas. You'll give him a heart attack."
As the last sentence ended, Clark appeared in the doorway, just as flustered as Lois had anticipated. A light blush covered his cheeks. "We have to what?"
"Calm your keister," she said as Perry waved him into a chair. "We're going undercover for a story. I need a husband in a hurry, and Jimmy's a little young for me. Our honeymoon starts tonight."
Clark had already settled from his rattled first shock. "This is an awfully fast engagement, Lois. I haven't even told my parents yet."
Perry said, "You can tell them when you get back to your apartment to pack. Lois is following a solid tip and I need you both to bring me the story."
Lois hurried through the explanation: over the last year, fifteen young and very wealthy couples on their honeymoons had vanished from this same resort upstate. Clark said, "Interesting but that sounds like a matter for the police."
"It would be," she said, "except they've all reappeared after a couple of days claiming they went on a spontaneous trip. But after they got home, all of them immediately signed over their wealth to the March Foundation."
"Haven't heard of them. What is it?"
"A front."
"Naturally. Who owns it?"
Perry said, "All the ownership documents wind up in a circle of subsidiaries and shell companies. Could be Intergang setting up again. Could be a lot worse."
They all knew about worse. That was why she'd been handed the tip. Now Lois handed Clark a ring and a wallet. "This is your new identity. Your name is Marvin Clark. I asked to keep your last name in case I slip up." He opened it and glanced through. She watched his eyebrows raise as he slid the ring on.
"These are good for short notice." He gestured at the matching ring Lois already wore. "And you are?"
"Your lovely bride, Lola Wayne, trust fund baby."
His eyes sharpened under the glasses. "Whose trust fund?"
She gave him a slightly embarrassed smile. "You know I'm friends with Bruce Wayne. He's agreed to assist with our cover story. I'm a distant cousin of his, lived abroad for years. Boarding schools and private tutors. You are a high level financial expert at one of Bruce's companies."
"How kind of him," Clark said.
Perry said, "Your room at the Damakarmin is booked for the next four nights, courtesy of Lois's friend Mr. Wayne. If you get on the road before rush hour kicks into high gear, you can check in by eight."
Lois gave him a sweet look. "C'mon, Smallville. How often will you get to have an all expenses paid trip to a five star hotel?"
"Actually, Smallville has three very nice and affordable bed and breakfasts." She could just see the smirk under the serious expression.
"Go," said Perry.
They exited his office. Lois knew her outburst would have drawn stares. Clark wasn't the only one who associated the phrase "we have to get married" with very specific circumstances. Sure enough, Jimmy was already out there with a grin. "So do you two have some happy news to share?" he asked, gesturing at Lois's abdomen.
"It's amazing," she said, heading to her desk for her purse and her notepad. "Medical miracle. Smallville's pregnant."
She heard Clark's loud sigh and grinned to herself.
Clark did not call his parents on his way back to his apartment. He'd been calling home a lot recently. They'd been worried about him in the wake of Darkseid's devastating attack and he'd appreciated the balance Ma and Pa brought to his life whenever he saw them or spent time back home. He'd tell them later and let them have a laugh at how Lois had told him about the story. But first.
They were still working out the frequencies on these. He touched his earpiece and routed it through the Watchtower. If he was lucky, Flash wasn't going to listen in as he said, "What are you doing?"
He waited. There was a good chance Mr. "Call Me When It's Important" would decide this wasn't. He might be in a board meeting, or he might be in a sewer exchanging fisticuffs with Killer Croc. Instead, after about fifteen seconds, a gravelly voice said, "Staking out Gotham National Bank. An informant told me there will be a robbery later today."
"Have fun with that. Apparently I'm getting married to your cousin Lola."
"Good. The last time something like this happened, Poison Ivy was turning wealthy people into trees. Look into it."
Clark bit back his annoyance at being ordered around. Bruce, when he was being his real self, didn't mince words.
"You'd make a much better decoy."
"Lois thinks it'll go better with you. You're a gentleman. I'm damaged goods. And I'm busy." He closed the line.
Fine. Clark didn't mind playing happy couples with Lois. They were, from one perspective, already kind of seeing each other. From a more important perspective, she was kind of seeing Superman rather than Clark Kent. Superman's life and reputation had taken a terrible blow after being mind-controlled by Darkseid and she'd chosen to be there for him. Lying to her about his secret identity had made sense back when they'd first met. Now it filled a yawning space between them, and they were about to share a bedroom for the next four days thanks to Bruce.
"Great."
The bedroom turned out not to be an issue. As soon as they were shown into their suite ("Our bags will arrive later, chartered flight," Lois had tittered and tipped the bellhop anyway) she'd pointed out the sitting room and the sumptuous kitchenette well-separated from the bedroom by a door. "That looks like a very comfortable couch for you, Smallville," she said.
Clark sat down on it. "In fact, it is." Making a wary face, Lois sat next to him and then her lips broke into a smile as she leaned back and closed her eyes.
"I may kick you into the bed and take this one instead. This is nice." She was excited to dig into the story but she'd also been worked off her feet lately. Half a minute on a plush sofa was just the ticket to recharge. The watchful part of her brain told her she shouldn't let her guard down this much next to a guy from work. The rest of her had always felt comfortable around Clark Kent, and that was why there'd been no other name in her mind to play house with for this assignment. She trusted him.
Besides, Superman would never be able to go undercover. He stood out wherever he went, a big bright beacon in blue and red too glowing to miss. And asking him to play married with her was a little too close to her heart. Bad enough her ex was paying for all this but Lois was never, ever going to pretend to be married to Bruce.
She opened her eyes. Thirty second rest over. She pulled herself out of the clutches of the couch. "All right, Smallville. Let's go mingle."
"You sure about that, Lois? We're supposed to be newlyweds. Won't people be suspicious if we spend too much time outside of our room?" He tried to give her a knowing look over the top of his glasses which only made him look constipated.
"We're not the kind of couple who can't keep our hands to ourselves. We've been dating for three years. The wedding was a formality so I could access my inheritance."
"You think of everything," he said with a sigh then made a soft 'oof' as she threw clothes at him. "What's this?"
"Sweats. You change out here while I duck into the powder room." She shut the door of the bathroom and noted it was almost as big as her entire apartment in Metropolis. She shimmied out of her dress and into sweatpants and a top that more or less matched Clark's.
"I did bring a suit," he said, plucking at the fabric.
"Not a good enough suit for how much you supposedly make. There will be fewer questions if we're in casual clothes like this. It says we have so much money we don't have to care how we dress."
He gave her a look that said he wasn't so sure but he'd follow her lead. They took their room cards and went down to the hotel restaurant. Their reservation was for nine, which gave them the better part of an hour to kill. Lois took the opportunity to sit at the bar, order a light spritzer, and people watch.
Clark sat next to her and ordered coffee.
"Seriously?" she said as the bartender brought him the cup and saucer.
"It was a long flight, Lola. If you expect me to stay awake tonight, I need caffeine." He spoke a little louder than usual for the benefit of anyone nearby. He took a long drink then nodded at the bartender. "This is good. We were in Milan this morning and my espresso was burnt."
The bartender moved away from them, not impressed. Enough rich people wandered through these doors for him not to care about another. Lois sipped her spritzer, using her dad's old trick of holding the drink in her mouth without swallowing, her eyes carefully picking through the dimly lighted room and the pools of candlelight at each table. Someone targeted these people and abducted them for their money. She might not have a great sympathy for the super rich but someone who would kidnap and brainwash a wealthy stockbroker to rake in millions wouldn't hesitate to kill a hotel maid who caught him doing it.
"See anything?" she asked quietly. She noticed Clark looking again, peering over his glasses as if he could see. Then he nodded and gestured.
Over in another part of the restaurant, a dance floor was set aside. Couples held hands and swayed to the unobtrusive music from the house band. She wasn't sure what he saw but she held out her hand and said, "You owe me a dance, Marvin."
"Who picked that name anyway?" he asked as they made their way to the dance floor.
"Bruce had our IDs couriered to the Planet this afternoon."
"Right. Shall we?"
They moved together, Lois keeping her eyes peeled as she pretended to be gazing at Clark. "What did you see?" she asked, leaning up to whisper in his ear.
"Not sure yet." He was a good dancer, Lois realized. She'd expected him to be awkward in his big corn-fed farmer's body but Clark was light on his feet with a gentle grace, holding her hand and waist as though he was afraid he might break her. She wondered if maybe he'd brought her over here for a chance at a little dance but dismissed the idea. He wasn't that type. "There," he said into her ear. It had to be the closeness but a shiver went through her as his breath brushed her neck.
They turned and she looked over where he'd spotted something. Cameras. She might expect security cameras in an expensive place like this but this was hidden inside the expensive décor. "How'd you even see that? I thought your prescription was like negative ten thousand."
"The glasses really help."
So they were being watched. Not unexpected but interesting. There would be other cameras and microphones. As they made their way to their table once it was ready, she kept her eyes peeled for more surveillance devices. Clark accidentally knocked over the candle at their table but fortunately it blew out before falling, leaving the table oddly chilly. Sure enough, there was a bug at the bottom of the candle's base.
Lois handed the candle to their fussed server. "You know what, we're good without extra fire around. Marvin here is a little clumsy."
There was another thing at their table, a business card. Clark read it and handed it over. Lois made a noise in her throat. "Wealth management advertising? Kind of gauche for the setting." But they were here to investigate that sort of thing. She slid the card into a pocket of her sweats, casually sweeping her hand under the table to check for more microphones. She didn't find anything but that didn't mean they weren't being watched.
She checked out the menu then gave Clark a long look. "How much of this do you want me to translate for you?"
"I'll stick with something simple. Forks go from outside inward, right?"
"Good enough."
Lois had taken the bedroom after all while Clark got comfortable on the sofa. It pulled out into another king-sized bed and if the mattress was a little thin, he'd slept everywhere from an ice floe to the chairs at the Watchtower. This was fine.
He settled into sleep thinking about their day. Bruce had gotten his little laugh in with the "Marvin" nonsense and it was just a mercy he hadn't reserved that alias for J'onn. Lois loved throwing herself into research for a story and once had gone undercover for a month at a meat-packing plant just to get close to a source. This had to be more pleasant and he admitted it was fun pretending to be married. No kissing but they'd held hands during dinner between courses and he'd made himself remember to stick to stories about home in Kansas instead of relating a funny story Wonder Woman had told him even though he was sure Lois would appreciate it.
He rolled over. He was going to have to tell her one of these days soon. If nothing else, sleeping with his glasses on was uncomfortable.
The bedroom door opened. Clark's eyes remained slitted in case this was Lois sneaking into the kitchen for a drink and wanting privacy, but she went straight to the door and let herself out. "Lois?"
He got out of bed, er couch, and followed her, his bare feet noiseless on the fine carpet. She was walking towards the elevator and he noticed she pressed the Up button. "Lois!" He reached her but she stared sightlessly until he took her shoulders.
Suddenly she blinked and looked up at him. "What the hell, Smallville?"
He gestured as the elevator door opened in front of them. "Do you often sleep elevate?"
She shook her head, rubbing her eyes. "No. I had a weird dream." She looked around them. "Are we still at the hotel?"
"Yes but I don't know where you were heading."
"Me either." She sounded a little scared and also angry because she refused to be scared.
Clark wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Let's get back to the room."
He made her some hot chocolate from the coffee bar and handed it to her in one of the plain mugs in their kitchenette. "Thanks. I don't know what came over me."
"You looked like you were in a trance. Do you remember anything about your dream?"
She sipped her hot chocolate. "Not much. I had to go somewhere. It was urgent. Usually that dream means I have to use the ladies' room, not the elevator."
He felt the mild blush on his cheeks and saw the amusement on her face. She'd said it to make him uncomfortable to make herself feel better. He said, "Do you think it was mind control?"
"That's what we're assuming happened to the victims. Usually it was both members of the couple."
"I guess I was saved by the couch."
"Guess so." She looked at the bedroom door with sharp worry. "How big is that couch?"
There was plenty of space, and while Clark had worried it might be strange, he was wrong. As soon as Lois settled in and they started talking, it was like he was twelve again and having a sleepover with Pete. Soon enough she drifted off, completely at ease with him. He watched her sleep for a long time, worried about a second showing of the Lois Sleepwalking Adventures, but she didn't move for the rest of the night, safe and happy sleeping next to him.
Soon. He'd tell her soon.
Lois was up before Clark. She noticed he'd forgotten to take off his glasses before falling asleep and now they were askew on his face. She almost took them off for him then left it. If he was sleeping she didn't want to wake him especially after last night. She went back into the bedroom and started opening every drawer and checking under the sheets and even the mattress for any kind of transmitter.
Clark came into the room yawning. "You're up early."
"I want to find out how they're controlling me." She growled and sat on the messed up bed. "I don't know why I'm looking. It could be anywhere, even inside the walls."
Clark looked around himself, peering at the fancy wallpaper and mirrors. "I don't think it's in the walls," he said carefully, like he thought she might be a little paranoid. Easy for him to say. He wasn't the one who'd been taken on a walk somewhere he didn't know to the clutches of someone who could have done anything to her. She shivered. Clark sat down next to her and wrapped an arm around her just like he had last night. "Are you going to be okay? We can leave."
"Just a little rattled. We can't go. Now we know for certain something funny is going on. We have to stop it." Her own words fired determination into her veins. "Let's ask around today. There's a golf course and horses to ride. I think there's a small casino in the lower level. We'll mingle with the other hoi polloi."
"The top 0.1% aren't exactly the hoi polloi, Lois."
"They are when we're supposed to be among their number." She sighed. "Get my bag. I brought you more sweats."
"Fantastic."
Lois wasn't much for any of the activities on offer but she was sure Clark had never golfed a day in his life. They spent a few hours gambling lightly in the casino while Lois chatted up some of the other wives and girlfriends here at the hotel. One admitted to having a weird dream. "I woke up when I walked into the door," she said with a little laugh. "Charlie didn't wake up until I tickled him."
The other women laughed and Lois made a note for later.
They went for lunch at the pro shop by the golf course. Clark found himself invited to a friendly game of darts by some other golfers who'd been there for a while and were several martinis ahead of him. Lois had never met anyone as bad at darts as "Marvin" turned out to be. Somehow he got all his darts in the outer ring, or bouncing off someone's glass, or even buried into the wall which admittedly had seen a lot of other darts from drunk golfers.
No help there, though.
After lunch they returned to the hotel Lois stared at the elevator buttons while they were heading up to their room. She pressed the button for the top floor, but the rooms she found there were simply more hotel rooms like any others.
"What's up here?" she asked out loud and she poked her head into the common spaces, checking the ice machine and the staff doors.
Clark said, "Maybe there's a button we missed." They looked all around the elevator car and found nothing. Back in their room he said, "I'm having a thought and you're not going to like it."
She already knew. "I should sleep in the bedroom tonight and you should follow me to see where I go."
"That's the idea, yes."
"I hate it."
There'd been a tense moment. Lois had tried talking Clark into being the brainwashed zombie while she followed him. He'd had no good way to explain that even if he did sleep in the bedroom, he might be immune to the mind control. Eventually she relented when he pointed out they already knew it worked on her and they might not get another chance.
"You better be right beside me."
"I'll even pretend to be brainwashed too."
They left on their sweatsuits figuring that would be better to get caught out in rather than pajamas should things come to trouble. Lois muttered that she wasn't likely to get any sleep anyway, too wound up about what was to happen. Clark found a small jug of milk in the refrigerator and warmed some up for her on the stove, adding a sprinkle of cinnamon and nutmeg just like Pa used to make for him on sleepless nights to help him relax. He'd have to give this hotel that: it had everything he could ask for.
"This is good," she admitted. "Smallville, someday you're going to make someone an excellent mother."
"Ma would be so proud. Now get some shut-eye so we can catch these creeps."
Eventually she went into little bedroom and Clark fixed himself some coffee. One of them had to stay awake.
Two hours later, the bedroom door clicked open. He sat up from where he'd been catnapping on the couch. "Lois?" he asked softly. She didn't respond.
He slipped his feet into his slippers this time and followed her out to the hallway and down to the elevator, putting a carefully blank expression on his face to match hers. In the elevator Lois pressed the button for the top floor again. He followed her closely and watched her stop at room 1016. He noticed something wrong with the font on the doorplate, making the room number look more like "10/6." An alarm bell went off in his mind.
The door opened at her touch and they walked inside. The room was empty except for another elevator. Clark used his X-ray vision to see the elevator shaft, noting it only went up one story. A sweep of the room around them left no clues. There was a camera watching them.
He waited until the elevator door closed and for Lois to press the top, unmarked button. Clark grabbed her shoulder. "Lois, wake up." He kept his voice a low whisper.
She shook her head, blinking and taking in her surroundings. "The elevators?"
"New elevator. We're about to meet our captors."
"Right. Pretend to be a zombie." The door opened and they walked out. Three other couples already sat in rickety metal chairs and they didn't turn to see Lois and Clark.
"Ah yes, Mr. and Mrs. Clark. How nice of you to join us. Please sit."
Clark kept his eyes forward and unseeing as he took a chair next to Lois. He didn't need to look at their captor now. He'd seen Bruce's files on the Mad Hatter before.
"Welcome, all," said Jervis Tetch, clapping his hands together gleefully. "Mrs. Clark, or should I say, Ms. Wayne, you are the guest of honor at tonight's activities, but you are all welcome." He gestured at his computer. "We'll be looking into your finances. Some of you will likely not be worth my time and may go home. However," he said with a large-toothed leer at Lois, "some of you are going to be so much fun to get to know over the next few days as we access all of your accounts."
Lois kept herself still even as the Hatter pranced at the front of the room, slipping her recorder out of her pocket and turned it on to document all of this. He called up his victims to sign into their bank accounts for him to peruse. He wasn't transferring anything yet. He clucked his tongue at the first two. "You took out a loan for your honeymoon? Shameful. Scoot." He gestured them away and watched as they entered the secret elevator.
Very quietly, Clark said, "He's saving us for last."
"I'm an heiress," she whispered back.
He said, "Let's get the others out of here first then take him down."
She scoffed as softly as a mouse. Clark was a great guy but he was out of his depth going hand to hand with a supervillain. "I know Judo. I'll take him out while you call the police."
He didn't reply but gave the briefest nod. The third couple sparked Tetch's interest. "You two stay right here. We're going to be such good friends." He looked at Lois and Clark. "Lola, if you please."
Lois stepped forward trying to imitate the same sluggish walk as the others. Clark followed her which she didn't like. He might get hurt and she'd yell at him if he did. They reached the computer terminal where Tetch had already called up Metropolis National Bank. Lois tapped at the keyboard.
"I forgot my password," she said in a dull voice.
Tetch grumbled. "Ask dear Marvin."
Clark went to the keyboard, bowing his head in the monitor's light. "No password," he said in the same tone.
Tetch pushed him out of the way. "Wealthy fools. I can find your net worth more easily than this." Clark stumbled as he was pushed, and grabbed onto Tetch's coattails, pulling him over with him. "Imbecile!" As he got back to his feet, Lois was tired of the charade and she brightened up with a smile before she decked him.
Clark went to the other stunned couple and gently shook them by the arm. "Time to wake up."
"What! Where are we?" asked the young wife while Clark tried to calm them down. Her husband shoved Clark roughly.
"Get away from her, creepo."
"You both need to get away," Lois called over her shoulder. "And change all your passwords when you get home." She pointed at the elevator before kneeling down and tying Hatter's hands with the power cords of the computer, which she'd just yanked free of the wall.
Despite the bindings he managed to leap to his feet to her shock, and kicked her away. "You'll never get me, you ludicrous jet-setters." He went to say more but as he turn to run, he ran right into Clark's arm which happened to be extended and he clocked himself out cold onto the floor.
Lois put a hand to her side. "Ow. Lucky shot, Smallville. I thought you were heading to the elevator with Mr. and Mrs. Moneybags."
"And leave you to get the byline on the story? We might be married but you don't know me at all, Lola." He nodded at her. "Are you all right?"
"Yeah. A little bruising on my hips and my ego. Typical honeymoon."
Clark pointed out the business card as the police collected evidence in their room. "Apparently the Mad Hatter uses cards like this for mental control. You'll want to sweep the entire hotel."
"Thanks, we'll take it from here," said the officer with a clear, 'we don't need any more help from nosy reporters' underlining her words.
"Of course," Clark said. Lois was already giving her statement. The entire hotel was being investigated; Perry had dug up that the Damakarmin was owned by one of the same shell companies as the March Foundation.
They met up outside with their bags already searched and dismissed by the police. He saw one of the couples that had been with them getting into their own car. "You think they'll be all right?"
Lois watched his gaze. "Yeah. They're a little shaken up but it could have gone a lot worse. What about you, Smallville?"
"I spent two days in a nice honeymoon suite with a beautiful woman. We had dinner and went dancing. Plus I'm getting the story filed as soon as we get back to Metropolis. I've had a lovely trip."
"We'll talk about sharing the byline," she said, getting into the car. "We need a good title for the article."
'"Honeymoon Trap?'"
"That's not bad," she admitted. "Why do I always forget how good a team we make?"
"Maybe it's mind control," he said, starting the engine and backing the car out carefully while checking his mirrors. Lois let out a disgruntled sigh.
"We were having a moment and you ruined it, Kent."
"It's a gift," he said, and drove them home.