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English
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Yuletide 2025
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Published:
2025-12-24
Words:
1,555
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
23
Kudos:
101
Bookmarks:
11
Hits:
358

Hemingway's Nightmare

Summary:

A selection of item listings for baby shoes (and more) on a platform you might know.

Notes:

Work Text:

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

He just didn't like the look of them. “Lavender? Oh, mama, with this onesie? And the bows? You're killing me, this is so last season. What were you thinking, you absolute cretin? Take them away—I said take them away!” he said. 

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

Extra Rare Orange misprint from 1987. In the original packaging. 

Check out my page for more collector items from the 90s, 80s and 70s!

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

It didn't want to come out. Two days and two nights my wife lay in labor, me helpless by her side, and by the end of the third day, just before nightfall, the doctors came with the forceps. I didn't know they still use these things. My wife, who had been in some agony, screamed at the sight of the enormous tool, “Yes, yes, take it out, rip that thing out of me!” Oh, they tried. Again and again they tried to get hold of it with all those horrible medieval torture implements, but it repeatedly kept slipping out of their metallic grasp. “It's like it's trying to dodge,” one nurse said. “Always turning just when you get hold of it.” “Nonsense,” the doctor barked. And then, “Ah, I got it, got it.” It was like reeling in a mighty fish. Slow and steady she had to pull the forceps out again, and each inch was a whole struggle. By the end sweat stood on her forehead and she'd rolled up her sleeves. “There it is, there it is,” she said, a hint of mania in her voice, and then, with a final abrupt yank the forceps came out. The baby did not. The forceps however were like the dough hooks on a hand mixer neatly curled outward at the ends, rendering them useless. That was five months ago. My wife is perfectly healthy now, and without agony, but still very pregnant. Our sweet baby has started speaking through her, manipulating her like a puppet, but it doesn't have much to say by now. Mostly just “wah” and “guh” and things of that nature.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

To our surprise our beautiful baby girl came out the size of a small hefty bulldog. Her hands were at birth already big and strong enough to punch the air out of a grown man's lungs (which she demonstrated when her father picked her up) and her feet were size 7. We see a bright future ahead for her and hope to interest her at an early age in bodybuilding, hammer throwing, Greco-Roman wrestling or the sale of meat and sausages.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

Very nice strong red, which looks better in person. Some scratches at the heels and sole of two of them (see attached picture). And the third has a tiny stain (milk). Might contain traces of cat hair.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

Antique. Great condition, found in my parent's attic. Patent Leather. With the original and bill. Dated 1919. 

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

Lego model 382. Super rare for the Museum #45 set.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

Wild caught (I have a permit!!), gutted and frozen the same day. Will keep for a month in the fridge and two years in the freezer. Great plain as an entree with a glass of red, or in a casserole or goulash. 

More where those came from! Check out this webpage for updates. I'm always out hunting! - Karen

⚠️WARNING⚠️

Do not trust any non-licensed sellers. Always have them show you their license before making a purchase. If you think something's fishy, it probably is! Poaching is a serious issue causing untold ecological damage and threatening volatile populations. Furthermore poachers often employ cruel, illegal trapping methods that result in a lot of needless suffering. Do your part. Be responsible. Only buy from licensed hunters or sustainable farms.

⚠️WARNING⚠️

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

Farm raised. Has that reeeally wild taste to it ;)

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

We don't really get along and he's kind of annoying so I'm getting rid of him. Check out my other auctions for: onesies, teddy bears, milk bottles, a baby.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

Highly priced antique with a certificate of authenticity. Goat leather. 14th century Italian.

 

For Sale: Baby Cat Never Petted

Oh, but she is shiny, she is cute.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

“Loki: Age of Loki III - when Loki met Spiderman” tie in. 56/100. Super rare!

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

I don't like to share too much of my personal life but I'd like to assure you that there's no tragedy linked to these shoes. No child passed before its time, no pregnancy prematurely ended, no yet still barefoot toddler was torn from its mother's loving embrace. These shoes are not haunted. There is no tragedy, only shoes, never worn.

 

For Sale: Baby Never Worn

Five months old and generously sized.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

Do not smoke! Not for smoking, only for decorative purposes.

If you were to smoke them one would give you a pleasant high and two would send you to Narnia.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

Bonded pair, only given away together. Unfortunately I have fallen ill quite permanently and cannot adequately take care of them any longer so they are looking for a new forever home. 5 and 6 years old. Housetrained and good with children, but critical of men.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

I don't know why I was thinking ❤️❤️❤️❤️ing a minotaur would result in something like human offspring but, what with me being fully human and her having merely a cow's head, but let me tell you, it did not. The little one’s got hooves. My missus doesn't have hooves. I don't have hooves. But the little one has hooves. Make it make sense. I suppose it's recessive genes or something like that. He's a ginger too. Anyway, here's some shoes he definitely won't be needing. Will trade them for irons.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

Innovative. Uncompromising. GooGoo. For the modern toddler that knows what it wants.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

Though they'd go with this lovely emerald dress I was going to wear to my ex's wedding (second pic, not for sale I just want you to see it because I looked absolutely bombing) but they are a bit too cool in color for my complexion. These offer many styling possibilities for all occasions (see third, fourth, fifth and sixth pic). They look great as earrings too. A must have for any ogress willing to impress.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

Found them in my garden. Pretty deep in the ground. Weird eagle on the sole. Says something in Italian I think?

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

Jordyne told me to put these up, and if you don't know her she's a really neat person (and tidy too haha), so don't worry about cat hair or sweat stink or anything like that. Pickup down at the post office every Friday from 8 to 12 and after that I'm at the Larry's down the road for another hour or two.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Definitely Never Worn

They do not smell of sweat. It's not sweat. That rich musky natural fragrance is a result of the manufacturing process of this particular kind of leather. It's not sweat. They are brand new. For crying out loud, no baby has run a marathon in those shoes. 

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Used

Two (2), still in their original packaging. Each fit 6 miniature decks (not included) for baccarat. Great way to get them started early, or get them off your back for a bit (kindergarteners love this product).

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

A collection of moving tales for young mothers by Helge Debeaux, famous author of “Little Mozart Plays Piano In My Womb”, “50 Tricks For Finding Your Inner Goddess With Deep Wave Meditation” and “Modus Operandi”.

 

For Sale: Baby Shoes Never Worn

It came out wrong. There was something in its eyes that none of us had ever seen before and yet had known all along. A hunger beyond human comprehension. Beyond hunger itself. When it opened its mouth it was not a cry that escaped it but a hum like a swarm of bees trapped in an old broken urn. All the lights in the room flickered and down the hallway a heart rate monitor went off, beeping incessantly. It was not ugly, the way newborns are with their dried up purple raisin heads. Its skin was smooth and ash-gray, and all its limbs strangely deformed, like long pieces of tissue rolled up between the fingers of a bored teenager at the family outing. Each of those limbs, of which it had many, ended in a bulbous tip, where the flesh narrowed and the skin stretched thin over the bone.

So really no need for shoes, especially since it learned to levitate by the third day.

 

For Sale: Horse Shoes Never Worn

Gosh, I didn't realize they ate that much! Will trade for: tea pots, potatoes or baby shoes.