Chapter Text
Buck parked in front of his apartment building, still in a mild state of shock.
Of all the things he could have imagined, that it was Bobby keeping him from coming back to work was…hard. He’d thought he knew Bobby better than that. He’d thought Bobby knew HIM better than that.
Did Bobby really think he was so selfish that he’d put his teammates at risk just because he was…what? Bored? A glory hog?
So how did he work around this? Where was his next move?
Buck walked into the building and skipped the elevator, trotting up the stairs to his floor. Opening his front door, he realized this couldn’t be home for much longer. He couldn’t possibly afford this loft on the part time fire marshal pay the department was willing to give him.
Tossing his keys in the bowl on the counter, Buck’s mind was spinning.
What did he do next? How could he move to counter Bobby? He’d asked Bobby to go to bat for him because he hadn’t gotten anywhere with the union. They weren’t going to buck his captain. And the department wouldn’t accept a transfer request. Not with Bobby saying he wasn’t fit to work.
The fire marshal job actually put him at risk. Sitting in one position for hours at a time could be a death sentence when you had blood clots. Bobby should know that.
All of his family should know that.
But…
Maybe that was part of the problem. And that wasn’t on Bobby. He’d clearly stated it at least once during Buck’s probie year. They weren’t a family. And Buck had been so desperate for connections, for a place to belong, that he put them in those roles anyway.
But he really felt things had changed. Maybe he just didn’t know how a family was supposed to act, because his … didn’t. Act like a real family, that is. Maybe his expectations were just unrealistic.
Just because he loved them didn’t mean they loved him.
Oh, he’d thought they did. Bobby teaching him to cook felt like something a father would do. Hen and Chim teasing him…well, that was something siblings were supposed to do, right? And Eddie…
But maybe they didn’t. Or maybe it didn’t matter. Did it matter if they ‘loved’ him when they clearly didn’t trust him?
Or maybe he was just flailing and overreacting to everything. He was sure that’s what Maddie would say.
Getting out his phone, he texted Eddie.
Can I come see Chris?
The bubble formed, showing Eddie had at least received the message.
It’s late and he’s already in bed.
Tomorrow?
Well, that wasn’t a ‘no’.
Sure. See u then.
What did he do now?
Suddenly thinking of the lawyer who’d given him his card, Buck went for the box he used for that sort of thing.
Then, as he was fumbling with the old box, a memory came to him. A memory from a cold night in Montana and a poker game played with toothpicks.
.When the other guy holds all the cards, there’s only one thing to do. Ya gotta switch the deck.
But doesn’t that mean they win? If they make you give up?
Switchin’ the deck ain’t about who wins. If the other guy holds all the cards, you cain’t even play, much less win. So you got to figure out…what do you really want…and what other ways can you get that than playin’ a rigged game.
Huh. So if the other guy only has some of the cards…
Then you can choose to play. Or not. But if he’s got ‘em all? Ain’t no way to play. So you got to switch it up.
Hmmm. Buck thought it over. Switching the deck. What could he do to get what he wanted?
What did he really want?
Pulling the box closer to him, Buck thought hard.
He wanted to make a difference. He wanted what he did to matter. And he wanted to matter to someone. He’d prefer an active job, and it would be better for him as well. He’d have to take the blood thinners into account until he could get the hardware out of his leg but…
That was enough to work with.
Now he just had to find the right deck.
Buck got to Eddie’s house as early as he thought the man would let him in.
It had been a mostly sleepless night, and Buck was practically vibrating as Eddie opened the door to him.
“I gave you a key so we wouldn’t have to do the ‘you ring, I answer’ thing, doofus.” Yeah, someone hadn’t had their coffee yet.
Out of habit Buck moved into the kitchen and began setting up to fix breakfast. Starting the coffee maker he left it to his friend who was hovering over it as though he was expecting enlightenment to emerge. Digging out the ingredients for pancakes Buck began mixing things up while warming the skillet.
The coffee maker produced its first cup just as the skillet was ready for the first pancake. Eddie claimed his coffee and drank it quickly while pouring glasses of milk and orange juice. Getting a refill on the coffee, he hummed in pleasure…just in time for the sound of crutches to enter the kitchen.
“Hey, Buck! I didn’t know you were coming to fix breakfast for us! This is awesome!” Chris was all happy exuberance as he made his way to his place at the table.
“Hey Chris! Yeah, I was missing my best friend so your dad invited me to breakfast. And we both know what that means…” Buck trailed off with a teasing look at his friend, still communing with the coffee gods.
Chris chortled merrily as Buck turned off the stove and brought the platter of golden-brown pancakes to the table, forking two onto Chris’s plate as he passed. Chris took full advantage of his father’s distraction to drown his pancakes in syrup and by the time Buck got Eddie steered to the table and sat he was already well on his way to a sugar high.
Buck took his own seat and served himself a pancake, fiddling with it more than eating it.
Chris may have been happily stuffing his face, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have a keen eye on his best friend. “Bucky, is your stomach upset? Did you have to take your pills this morning?”
Buck put his fork down with a sigh. “No Superman, I’m just not very hungry this morning. I’ve got a lot on my mind and sometimes when I get like that it’s hard to eat.”
Chris nodded wisely as Eddie seemed to surface from his morning daze to look worriedly at his friend.
“I get it Bucky. Sometimes when I have big thoughts that won’t be quiet, I don’t want to eat either. But Daddy always says ‘the mind works better if it has somethin’ to work with…so eat’. And that’s what I’m tellin’ you. Give your brain some food. And give Daddy some more time to wake up.”
Another firm nod from Chris had Buck at least putting a bite of pancake in his mouth. He chewed ten times and swallowed carefully, relieved when the bite seemed willing to stay down.
Eddie took a few bites himself, apparently feeling his brain needed a jump start that coffee just wasn’t giving him. “What’s up Buck? If you’re having insomnia and nausea, you need to let your doctors know so they can tweak your meds.”
At that, Buck gave up trying to eat.
Looking at Chris, and then at Eddie, Buck wondered rather belatedly if this wasn’t an ‘adult’ conversation. Not growing up with parents that actually engaged with him, he didn’t have the best grasp of appropriate topics sometimes.
Eddie saw the look, and his worry immediately ramped up. “Chris, buddy, this might be a conversation that you don’t need to hear yet. Maybe we should wait until after breakfast, hmmm?”
Chris immediately puffed up like a pigeon with the force of his indignation. “If my best friend is sad, I need to know. Maybe if I’d known Mommy was sad I could’ve helped her and she wouldn’t’ve left.”
Both men froze. The half smile slid right off Eddie’s face and Buck looked equally alarmed.
“Buddy, it wasn’t your job to make Mommy happy. It wasn’t even my job to make her happy, though I should have paid more attention and given her more support. But no one can MAKE another person happy…we each have to find our own happiness.” Eddie was heart-broken that Chris had felt partially responsible for the fiasco that was two adults talking past each other instead of to each other.
Those words shook something in Buck. ‘We each have to find our own happiness.’ Feeling more certain of himself, he returned his attention to Christopher.
“Christopher, I will include you in this conversation if you can promise me two things.”
The little boy nodded eagerly, ready to do whatever he could to help his friend.
“First, you remember that I love you. You’re my best friend in the whole world and that’s not gonna change.”
“Okaaaayyyy….” Obviously waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“Second, you understand that you aren’t responsible for the situation, and you don’t need to fix it.”
Chris didn’t seem quite as onboard with this promise, but after thinking for a minute or two, he reluctantly nodded his head.
“OK, if at any time your Daddy or I think you’re having a hard time, we will stop. Got it?” Buck was firm on this. He didn’t want Chris taking responsibility for any of this mess. There was more than enough misplaced guilt being flung around by the adults. He didn’t need to join the parade.
Buck sighed again. “When I went to Bobby and Athena’s for dinner last night, I asked Bobby to speak up for me to the brass. I’ve been cleared by all my doctors. My disability payments have stopped because the department has accepted the clearance.”
“So if the department has accepted your doctors’ clearances, what’s holding up getting you back on the job?” Eddie was confused. He didn’t like working without Buck to watch his back, and he really didn’t like Buck working a job that could make his clotting chances go up without him there to return the favor.
“Bobby is. He finally came clean. He lied when he said the brass decided to bench me. He told them I wasn’t ready. He doesn’t trust me to know my abilities or care enough about my teammates not to potentially put them in a dangerous position. He doesn’t trust me, and now I can’t trust him.”
There was a moment of shocked silence.
“Because he lied.” Chris understood that perfectly well. “You can’t trust somebody who tells lies about you .”
“Chris…”
“No Eddie. Chris is exactly right. I can’t trust someone who lies about me to my employers and lies about my employers to my face. Especially not when it’s damaging my reputation and my ability to earn a living. I just can’t.” Buck earnestly tried to get his friend to see his point of view.
“Then he’s lying to me too…every time I ask about you…when you’re coming back…Bobby always says it’s up to the department.” Eddie felt sick. This was the man he trusted to make sure he came home to his son.
“What are you gonna do, Buck?” Chris braced himself, clearly afraid of the answer.
“He’s going to go to the union and file a grievance.” Eddie picked up his cup and drained the last of his coffee, then got up to refill his cup.
“Eddie.”
“No Buck. You let things slide all the time, but you can’t just let this go. I know you love Bobby…” Eddie was determined to make the man see he could ask for help.
“I’ve already been to the union Eddie. They basically told me they wouldn’t overrule my captain or support an action against him. The department wouldn’t accept a transfer request, because my captain has determined that I’m not fit to work. They won’t even work me full-time in the job they let me do.” Buck had to make his friend understand…there were no options, but one.
“You’re going to leave.” Eddie whispered it. Then stronger, “You’ve already made up your mind.”
Chris’s lip wobbled and his eyes got red.
Buck put the cardbox on the kitchen table in front of him. “When the other fellow holds all the cards, there’s only one thing you can do. I’m gonna switch the deck. And you’re gonna help me.”
Chris and Eddie looked at one another, and then looked at Buck. Identical grins split their faces, and together they replied, “We’re in!”
Buck knew he had a problem when it came to catching all the repercussions of a decision. And he knew that including an eight-year-old in his planning phase meant he had to keep it simple. So he set the whole thing up as a sim-style problem.
Their first list was things that had to be done no matter which way he jumped.
He had to move. A call to his landlord by Eddie implying he was connected to a legal office (hey, his aunt was a paralegal…that counted) got Buck a couple of options.
He could move from the twelfth floor loft to a fourth floor one-bedroom. He’d actually pick up some extra square footage and shifting his stuff down within the same building was a lot easier and cheaper up front than hiring movers and a storage unit.
Or he could be released from his lease and relocate entirely. Chris had already offered to share his bed and Eddie had offered the couch as an interim. If he was going to have to leave the area, this would make more sense than just moving to a different apartment.
He had to get his resume and references in order. Some of the situations on their possible jobs board would require him to finish his degree or complete some training, so that had to be considered as well. He was only two classes away from completing his Associates Degree, and depending on the needs of his next career…well he wasn’t thrilled about going back into the formal education system, but now that he had a better handle on how to work with his ADHD he felt he could deal with it if necessary.
So while Eddie was on the phone being vaguely threatening to his landlord over his non-compliance with the ADA, Buck was on the phone with the Los Angeles Fire Department getting his personnel file copied and sent to him, and then the University of Pennsylvania and Moorpark College getting updated transcripts emailed to him.
Chris was taking advantage of the opportunity to get a break from the adults, and had gone to play in his room. Apparently, managing his Daddy and his Bucky was hard work and he needed a little ‘me’ time.
“You know we can’t go with you.”
“What?” Buck turned around and looked at Eddie.
“I know it’s bullshit to put that on you, but…” Eddie sighed and ran his hand over his face. “We’re family, man. And Chris has lost enough family. He’s struggling. Nightmares…the tsunami, his mom…it’s all piling together. And…I’m…I almost did something so dumb…”
“Eddie, no matter what, you’re not gonna lose me. Even if I’m based somewhere else, I know you’re not the most technologically savvy guy, but even you know how to Facetime. And I know it’s not the same, but it’s not gonna be like I’m dead. And what did you do? Pardon, almost do?” Buck was really worried now.
“Bosko, she’s…well, I think she’s trying to help, but…she’s not you, and she’s not gonna be you, and I’m just so…angry. Like all the time. Not at anybody or anything, just like, always angry. So she invited me someplace…it was a street fight. And I really wanted to, Buck. The only thing that stopped me…if my parents found out…Chris…” Eddie seemed to have gotten lost in his explanation and he wasn’t the most verbally expressive to start with.
“Are you telling me you went to an illegal street fight, and wanted to participate?” Buck felt like the top of his head was going to come off. What had been going on while he was stuck in an office somewhere?
“Yes?”
“No! What the hell, Eddie!” Buck thought he might come unglued. “You get arrested and Chris’s life is basically over! What were you thinking?”
“That’s just it. I wasn’t thinking. I was just … mad. It’s like that’s all I can feel anymore. I hate it. I hate it, Evan! And I don’t know what to do about it! And now you’re maybe going who know’s where, and I don’t think I can handle…losing you too. I don’t know what to do…” Eddie trailed off miserably.
“You put in for a transfer. Get away from Bosko. She’s obviously not an influence you need right now. And you sign you and Chris up for therapy. All the therapy. And once he’s had this next surgery, you look really carefully at your options. Maybe things will have changed and you’ll feel safe in your job. Maybe you’ll want to make a change. But you’ll at least be in a better place to do that.” Buck had been so caught up in his own problems he hadn’t noticed Eddie, apparently about to go down for the third time.
Eddie came and sat next to Buck on the sofa. “OK. We’ll ALL sign up for therapy then, because if you think you don’t need it, well, I’ll give you a lecture on toxic masculinity I recently received from my best friend.”
Buck tried to smile, but his stomach lurched, and he knew he had to get to the trashcan pronto. Eddie watched in shocked amazement as his friend bolted for the kitchen. The sounds of retching pulled him off the couch and into the kitchen behind Buck, who was white and shaking over the trash.
“What brought that on?” Eddie asked, completely bewildered, as he stepped over to the sink and began running a glass of water.
Buck shook his head. “Nothing. Ignore me.” Standing up straight he accepted the glass of water and started to sip it slowly.
“Yeah, no. Want to try again?” That was a panic response, and Eddie’s instincts were tingling.
“Look, I know I need therapy, OK? I’ve even signed up. Twice. But when I get there, I just can’t…” Buck didn’t know how to explain it.
“Hey, talk to me. What freaks you out about going into your therapist’s office?” This was so not like Buck. He was always down to talk…he might not tell a therapist what was actually bothering him, but he’d definitely talk their ear off in hopes they wouldn’t notice.
Buck winced. He really didn’t want to tell Eddie about Dr. Wells. He looked down the hallway towards Chris’s bedroom to make sure the little boy wasn’t about to wander into the middle of the discussion. “You’ve probably heard Chim’s jokes about me and therapists. Well, when I first started at the 118 I lost somebody. Somebody I could have saved. Bobby sent me to a therapist. I went in the first time and…we …um…well, she climbed into my lap and…”
Eddie felt sick. “Buck, did you have sex with your therapist in her office during an appointment? Your first appointment?”
Buck nodded, glad Eddie could at least put it into words.
“Buck, do you understand that was assault?” Wait, what?
“No! I didn’t, I would NEVER force anyone…” Buck was practically hyperventilating.
Eddie’s voice stayed very calm and gentle. “No Buck. Not you. Her. As your therapist it was illegal, unethical, and immoral for her to have sex with you. Period. And you say Chim has JOKES about this?”
“Um…yes?” Buck replied in a small voice. His entire view of the situation was shifting. “But…I never said no.”
“Legally you couldn’t say yes, Buck. A patient can’t give informed consent because of the presumed power imbalance.” Eddie kept things slow and quiet, and somehow Buck’s stomach was starting to unclench.
“I just…I was telling her I thought I had a sex addiction and the next thing I know…I wasn’t asking her to…and she friended me, before the appointment, and that felt…creepy somehow. I just…I was afraid she’d tell Bobby I didn’t cooperate…” It felt good to tell someone, felt good to let the poison out.
“Ok Evan, we need to put filing charges on your ‘no matter what’ list. But Chris doesn’t need to be part of that conversation. If you want to go down right now, we can drop him at Pepa’s on the way. Or you can go on your own later this week. But you need to do this. And we need to look for a therapist that deals with SA victims. I’ll go with you the first few times if you like. Or maybe telehealth is a better choice.” Somehow, the fact that Eddie took this seriously made Buck feel better about his reaction.
Buck didn’t think he could remember a time when someone actually told him HE wasn’t the problem. And was willing to stand by him to help him deal with the hard things. His stomach may have unknotted, but now it felt like his heart was doing gymnastics.
Eddie moved back into the living room and plopped down on the sofa. “Well, maybe telehealth will work best anyway, since you’re not sure where you’ll be. And I’ll go to the VA. I know I can get into a support group right away, even if I have to wait for a therapy referral. And I’ll talk to Chris’s pediatrician about a referral for him. They’ll move quickly on it, with his surgery coming up. They won’t want him going into that with lingering, untreated issues.”
Buck sat down beside him and stared at the board Chris had donated to the cause. Five possibilities. Five scenarios.
Which one would play out the best?
Chris came back into the living room, apparently refreshed and ready to pick back up. “OK, so which one do we run through first?”