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I’m just walking up to Buck’s front door when his ringtone starts chiming. I grin and answer, “Hey! I mean, hi, Buck,” I correct myself quickly, trying to sound at least a little less casual. It’s our first date. Not a workout between shifts. Not a quick breakfast after work. Not a lunch meetup on a day off, or a movie with Christopher. A real date. With Buck. And I’m trying not to be too giddy about it.
Failing, perhaps, but trying.
“Hello, Ed munn dough Die As,” says the overly smug voice I instantly recognize. Buck’s number is on the screen, but it’s definitely not him and the smile slides from my face.
It’s my nemesis.
“Hello, Hildy,” I reply flatly, the spring in my step immediately turning to lead.
“I have Ed munn dough Die As on the phone,” she announces, as if I didn’t just answer the call.
From the background, I hear, “Eddie!” It’s Buck’s voice, muffled but sharp with urgency. It sounds like he’s yelling, but the words are garbled and distant. Except I’m pretty sure I distinctly hear the word ‘help’ in the middle of it somewhere.
The hell?
“Buck? Buck, are you okay?” I raise my voice instinctively, unsure if he can hear me.
“I am not deaf, Ed munn dough Die As,” Hildy informs me primly. “There is no reason to yell at me.”
Why, in God’s name, did he program my name like that? Our Hildy at home—which would have been tossed out of the house immediately had it not been a gift from Buck and had Christopher not made so much fun of me for trying to refuse it--does not say my name like that! But I truly believe Buck’s Hildy is programmed specifically to annoy me.
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Hildy. Is Buck okay?”
“Do you mean Ev Van Buck Lee or Mad Dee Buck Lee Han?”
“Evan,” I snap through clenched teeth. “Is Evan Buckley okay?”
“There is no need to be hostile, Ed munn dough Die As.”
Oh, I can think of several reasons! I’d start to list them, but really don’t have the time or desire to argue with her. I hang up as I sprint up the steps and bang on the door. “Buck?!”
No answer.
I rattle the doorknob. Locked.
Of course it is.
I step back, scanning for another way in. I have only been to Buck’s new house a couple times and Buck hasn’t made a spare key for me yet. Actually, he made the key. “You think I’m the sort of boy who gives out his house key before the first date?” he’d asked with a gleam in his eyes as he he’d held it up out of my reach. “But if you play your cards right…”
My phone buzzes. It’s Buck’s number, I’m already bracing for his AI Assistant’s snark as I jab at the screen.
“Ed munn dough Die As, you ended our call without using designated goodbye protocol. That was very rude.”
“I am trying to make sure your user isn’t dying on the other side of the door!”
“Evan is not currently dying. He is naked. He is whimpering softly about it. Would you like me to play calming music?”
“No! I’d like you to unlock the door.”
“I’m afraid I cannot do that, Ed munn dough Die As.”
Of course not. Hildy doesn’t control the locks. I don’t think. Maybe she does, and she’s got Buck locked up somewhere within the house.
“That’s it. I’m breaking in,” I mutter, scowling at the phone as if Hildy can actually see me through it. Which, she probably can. I shudder.
“I would not do that if I were you, Ed munn dough Die As.”
“Fuck off, Hildy,” I growl as I hang up on her. I hope that’s one of her designated hang up phrases. Regardless, I start walking the house perimeter, seeking an alternate way in that doesn’t include breaking down my date’s door. I test the front window, but it doesn’t budge. I could break it pretty easily, but…again, probably not very impressive behavior on a first date.
A moment later, my phone rings again. I scowl as I answer, hoping that perhaps Buck has managed to escape whatever trap Hildy has him in. I warned him that one day Hildy would take over his house and he’d be sorry for all the products he has from her line. I bet he won’t laugh at me the next time I warn him.
“That was not proper hang up protocol, Ed munn dough Die As.” Is it my imagination, or does she sound like she’s getting angry?
I test another window.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Ed munn dough Die As. If you continue, your actions will be reported to law enforcement. Again.”
Again?
What did she report me for already?
Doesn’t matter.
I hang up again as I round the side of the house, muttering to myself. There’s a slightly cracked open kitchen window. Probably left from when Buck opened it to "air out the place" after I somehow managed to burn toast last time I was here. The remains of burnt toast on the pavement just below the sill confirm my suspicion. Leave it to me to nearly burn down his house within just two days of him taking possession.
With a quick look around to make sure no neighbors are watching, I pry the window open a bit more and begin to climb through.
“What do you think you are doing, Ed munn dough?” Hildy’s creepy electronic voice asks and I freeze momentarily. Wasn’t that what HAL asked Dave in 2001?
Probably just a quirky phrase that a pop culture geek programmed in.
I’ve barely made it halfway into the kitchen when I hear her voice echoing through the whole house:
“INTRUDER DETECTED. INTRUDER DETECTED. Authorities have been notified.” I grunt as the window slides down a bit more as Hildy’s warning shakes the house. “Again.”
Are you kidding me?
“Hildy, it’s me!” I shout as I attempt to pull myself the rest of the way inside, to no avail. Seems the window is now stuck in the partially closed position. I scowl as I try backing out the same way I came in, but that doesn’t work, either. I suck in my breath, swearing silently when that makes no difference. I try to contort my body and push off the siding with my feet. I push the siding off all right. I think I might hate Buck’s house almost as much as I hate Hildy. “Cancel the alarm!”
“Identity cannot be confirmed, Ed munn dough Die As. And you did not use the designated cancel alarm phrase.”
“I didn’t even know there is such a thing as a cancel alert phrase! And you have identified me! You even said my name!” Sort of.
“I do not recognize that command, Ed munn dough Die As. Would you like me to give you a new recipe? Also, you did not use the front door or side door entries. You are now considered an intruder. And a deeply inconsiderate guest in our home.”
She’s definitely mocking me, now. Hopefully that means she didn’t actually alert the authorities. If and when Buck and I move in together, we are not allowing Hildy on the premises.
“Ed munn dough Die As, would you like me to order a replacement window for when you break that one?”
I close my eyes and count to ten. It doesn’t help. Picking up and throwing the nearest item across the room does, even though throwing a dish sponge isn’t really all that effective. But at least I’m not actually breaking something of Buck’s in a poor attempt to calm my growing temper.
Buck’s voice echoes from down the hallway. “Eddie?! I’m trapped in the bathroom! Can you help? And, Hildy, cancel the Emergency Call.”
“I cannot cancel the Emergency Call, handsome. You have not used the designated cancel alarm phrase.” Please tell me that Buck didn’t program Hildy to call him handsome. Wait…what am I thinking? Please let him have programmed that as an alias.
I think I hear him mumble a couple curse words and possibly pleading with Hildy to just cancel the call. Finally, though he blurts out, “EddieIsAFluffyBunny”.
I blink. What?
“I am sorry. Evan, I did not understand that command. Please try another. Or would you like me to check the weather?”
After a few painful moments of silence, I hear Buck again, sounding defeated.
“No thank you. Cancel emergency call. Eddie Diaz is my fluffy bunny,” Buck over annunciates and I feel my cheeks heat up with as much embarrassment as I suspect he is feeling at this moment.
“I have alerted authorities that Ed munn dough Die As has broken into the house, but that it is no longer an emergency. Police have already been dispatched and arrival is imminent.”
“No, no, nonono…” Buck moans.
“Evan is naked,” Hildy informs me with as much glee as a non-sentient AI assistant can.
“Stop announcing that!” Buck bellows. I think I can actually feel how purple his face must be from the tone of his voice. “Eddie? Can you get me out before they get here?”
Before I can answer, Hildy interrupts, “You sound upset, Evan. Would you like me to read you a calming story?”
“No!”
“Would you like me to play some meditation music?”
“Sure. Why not?” I mutter, thinking I’m being quiet enough, but Hildy apparently also has super hearing and begins playing what would normally be considered nice, calming music peppered with nature sounds. Except that it is being played at an obnoxiously loud volume, drowning out any answer that Buck might be giving.
If I could reach the wall, I would bang my head against it. But since I can’t the sink’s faucet will have to do.
I shouldn’t have done that. It kind of hurt. And it turned on the sprayer, showering Buck’s kitchen counter and floor. Adding insult to injury, it seems to be stuck on. I try knocking it sideways to preferably spray into the sink but end up sputtering as water hits me fully in the face.
I think it’s in cahoots with Hildy. No sooner do I think that, though, it stops spraying. So. It’s not possessed by the AI assistant.
Take a breath.
Reassess my situation.
I’m stuck in a window. Buck is being held hostage by Hildy in his bathroom. The police have been notified both by Hildy, and now possibly neighbors alarmed by the sounds of a rainforest shaking the whole house.
I try to shimmy further into the house but can’t gain purchase. Each roll of electronic thunder also seems to knock the window shut just a little bit more. I’m not sure if it’s my awkward position, or if the LA humidity has swollen the window frame a little bit, but I can’t seem to get the window to reopen no matter how I try to push it up with my back. Maybe I need to lubricate it a little bit? I scan the counter for something helpful. The butter dish is just beyond my reach. But I am at the sink, so I grab the bottle of dish soap and begin spilling some out. Now…should I use it on the window frame, or on myself?
It would probably make more sense to use it on myself, but…I don’t want to have to go home and change before Evan and I go out on our date. Wait. Has the date already started? I mean, I’m halfway in his house to pick him up. And…
What am I thinking? I’m stuck in his window! That is NOT the way I want to remember our first date starting! So, I hereby have decided that it’s not started yet. I can run home, change clothes, and come back to officially start our date.
If I can get out of this window.
I begin slathering soap over as much of my body as I can reach. The scent of citrus fills my nostrils and seeps deep into my psyche.
Lathered up. Now I just need to…
“Aarrrrgggh!” I grunt as I try to wiggle through the window.
Nothing doing.
I should probably have tried lubricating the window frame.
Okay, so…I need leverage. I’ve already removed siding from the outside, so…something on the inside this time. My hands are a little too slick from the soap to grab the edge of the counter, but I can reach the handle of the drawer next to the sink. I pull and for a moment, I think I’m getting somewhere! And then the handle pulls right off the drawer.
Damn it.
I ignore Hildy as she shouts a question about ordering a new drawer handle.
I’m a little farther into the house, but still not quite far enough, and I still can’t budge the window. I suck in my breath again and reach for the drawer handle on the other side of the sink. Holding my breath, I pull. I start sliding a little, but not quite enough.
So I pull harder. Too hard.
With a sharp crack, the window frame finally gives. The glass doesn’t shatter completely, but a corner splinters with a loud snap, sending a jagged piece clattering onto the counter beside me.
And I’m in. But I also feel my shirt tear when it catches on the sink faucet as I tumble inside. And my chest and abdomen are completely soaked as the sprayer turns back on. A moment later, I’m on the floor amidst a loud clatter as the drawer pulls completely out of its socket and forks, knives, and several sizes of spoons rain down on me. And I think maybe I hear the rest of the glass from the window shattering.
“Eddie?! Is everything okay?” Buck calls out a few moments later.
“Ed munn dough Die As is stealing your kitchenware. Would you like me to order a new set?”
I’m fine. Just fine.
Except that I’m covered in soap, soaking wet, beaten up by more utensils than a single man could ever use in his lifetime, mocked by his insane AI Assistant (she-who-shall-be-named) and I’m covered in soap. What else could possibly go wrong?
I lean against Buck’s kitchen stool as I struggle to get up, my feet sliding on the soapy floor. My right boot slides one way, and my left the other. I go down in a very painful heap as I do a very impressive display of the splits. My head bangs on the island counter on the way down, but I think I might even hear she-who-shall-not-be-named rating my fall a "6.5". I'm pretty sure my score's been robbed. That had to be at the very least a 9.
Fuck. That really hurt.
Fuckity. I think I might possibly have a shard of glass sticking out of my pantleg.
Fuckity…fuckit…fuuuu
Something is dribbling down my forehead and into my eyes.
Did I ask what else could go wrong? Why oh why did I ask that?
The last thing I see as my vision fades are flashing red and blue lights dancing across the kitchen wall.