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the rope coiled around my neck like a snake, ready to strangle and swallow me whole at any moment. I heard a short click of the mechanism, and then the sickening crack of a breaking neck. shock shot down my spine, and my consciousness erupted into agony.
am I already dead?
memories surged all at once. I'm standing in a damp room, gripping a saw in my hands. they're shaking, so I dig my fingers into the wooden back of the chair, scratching the surface with my nails. I bring the sharpened metal to warm flesh, making a small cut. my breathing falters as I speed up again and again, tearing through soft tissue with the saw. a furious scream reaches my ears, but even that does not stop me. at some point I feel pain – as if blood has begun to pour straight into my brain. I squeeze my eyes shut, and when I open them, I see myself from the outside. now that figure feels alien to me. the vicious smile frightens me like never before. the light from the lamp aimed directly at my face burns my eyes, forcing me to squint. I feel pain. it grows stronger each time. my flesh is being cut with tremendous force, and all I can do is scream while I still can. hot tears stream endlessly, and everything around me turns crimson. my hands claw into the chair, breaking fingers. my legs go numb. I feel my heart pounding inside my head, it's about to burst from my chest, to abandon my body – but instead my head falls downward, leaving behind only ugly meat at the neck, swarmed by flies.
this is the day I killed Robert.
but why, after my own death, am I in his place? this shouldn't be happening.
am I truly dead?
I'm standing before detective Murdoch and his wife. the executioner throws a black hood over my head and pulls the lever – my body drops. once again, I hear the rope snapping my neck.
the image of the woman from the train floats before my eyes. I rise from the floor. there is nothing around me. something prevents me from swallowing. carefully, I touch my neck, where a massive needle has been driven in. I try to step forward, but sharp pain pierces my body, as if a hundred swords plunge into me, shattering my bones and tearing through my organs. I collapse to the ground again, writhing in pain. my clothes become unbearably heavy as they soak with blood. I lie in this void, choking on the stench of festering wounds. the worms infesting my body make me sick, it feels as though they are crawling straight into my brain, devouring it from within.
no, no, this isn't right.
I am already dead, aren't I?
and again, that familiar scene. detective Murdoch looks at me with contempt. he clearly hates me. a pity our feelings are not mutual – I always wished him nothing but good. I'm not allowed to say a word, my body drops too quickly.
the university hall, the end of a lecture. the air is thick with heat, saturated with the smell of old textbook pages, and the hum of students' footsteps echoes from all sides. professor Bennett stands behind the lectern, dusting chalk from his hands. I jump up from my seat, everything feels so familiar. I begin to hope that I will be given a chance to fix everything, but the empty, literally empty, faces of my classmates quickly extinguish all faith.
—mr. Gillies… - I hear the unpleasant voice of that old man. —why did you do it? - how vile. he's laughing at me.
I jerk my gaze from the blurred image of the professor to the seat beside me. Robert Perry is sitting there. he writes something in his notebook before lifting his eyes from the page.
—yes, James. why did you do it? - he asks, stepping closer. his hands, tense with anger, close around my neck, cutting off my air. I try to loosen his grip, but only make it worse. —why did you kill me? -
how foolish, I meant to ask for forgiveness!
he pushes me down. I don’t manage to grab the balcony railing and fall toward the ground. too long. everything changes so fast, and now the dark sky envelops everything, replacing the image of the university. just like that time when I decided to take one of the most dangerous actions of my life – I fall rapidly under the pull of gravity, landing and smashing my face against stone. horrifying pain floods my body, forcing my jaw to clench until my teeth grind. cold water only intensifies the agony, tearing at my bones from within. it pours into my lungs and stomach, making me choke again as I swallow more and more filthy, foul algae.
i want so badly to dissolve into this pain, to burn to ashes, or to become something new, something innocent. I want to lose the ability to wake up from this nightmare again and again. I want to tear my past into tiny pieces, leaving no chance to reconstruct it ever again. I want to never see their faces again, never hear my own screams. I want to finally leave. to rest in peace.
it's a shame that will never happen. it's a shame that suffering is eternal. it's a shame that I ended up in this hell. will I be able to escape now?